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You might be wondering why OBSSE needs guards at the entrance to our Abbey. You might think that no one would dare bother the sistren and brethren as they strive to follow the righteous path of The Blessed Archer of the Mighty Eyebrow. You might think that no one would disturb the sibliren as they they recite from the Holy Texts of St. Scully, as they partake of holy libation, as they ponder Her Saintliness, Her Strength, Her Ability to run in ever taller heels.
Well, you'd think so, but you'd be wrong. You have no idea how often someone comes prancing into The Abbey, looks around for a minute or two, and then screams "SOMEONE GET ME OUT OF HERE. I HAVE NO IDEA HOW GOT IN THIS STUPID PLACE. TAKE ME OUT NOW."
As you can imagine, that gets old rather quickly. So one of the main responsibilities of our guards is to make sure that no one gets in unless they know how to get out again.
We welcome new members, we love them, we adore them, we make sure they get their newbie implant ch--we make sure that they have everything they need to follow in the Light of She of the Fashionable and Often Surprisingly Visible Undergarments. But if you don't want to be here, we don't want you to feel trapped. So before you decide to join us, look around and see where the exit is. There's also a second way out.
Our dear guards also protect us from evil Mulderist saboteurs.
Of course, most Mulderists are not evil. They have just not been saved by Our Lady of the Scalpel. Remember, it takes a special calling to recognize the awesome Saintliness of The Blessed One.
"If I can save you, let me," so spoke She. If people come to us seeking our assistance in reaching enlightenment, we must help them. Even if it takes 75 or so of the sibliren, unholy amounts of Scullyritas, and much whooping and stomping, we must do it.
The evil Mulderists are another matter entirely. They are those fiends who try to infiltrate The Abbey, with the intention of destroying equipment, leading young sisters and brothers astray, and drinking all of our orange juice.
Evil Mulderists are fairly easy to spot in a crowd of Scullyists:
If you see one, immediately report it to the nearest guard, they have been trained to handle this situation.
¥Àa@~%vÀ, Sister NaK, The Gate Keeper