To celebrate our first issue of a new millennium (math geeks or not) we are very proud to introduce a new columnist to News for the Obssesed:  Sister CathyB.  Rant along with Cathy (it's contagious!) as she takes on Fox Network this month. 

Also in this issue, Sister Skullhead from Down Under has a response you won't want to miss for the ill-conceived question once posed to her, "Are the X-Files dubbed in Australia?"

For those of you fed up with the Mytharc, Sisters Bryn and Sassejenn take an in-depth look at the CHarc.  Sister Jenn provides us with a 5-part questionnaire so that you too can know what kind of a CHarcist you really are.

And of course, there's news, updates, cartoons, and advice for your Scullyistic reading enjoyment.

Wishing you all the best in the New Year,

E D I T O R S
Paula R
Autumn Tysko

D E S I G N   &   G R A P H I C S
La..

C O N T R I B U T O R S   t o  No. 31
Kara Zod
CathyB
Sister Bryn
Sister Jenn
Sassejenn
Sister Skullhead
Sister SpicedRum
Sister AdrianneFF

Thanks to Haven and GAWS for image assistance
 

News for the OBSSEsed is a monthly publication of The Order of the Blessed St. Scully the Enigmatic

Well, if you are reading this then we somehow all survived the Y2K brouhaha. The internet didn't go away. Your computer didn't crash. My computer didn't crash. And the worst part of it is all the hangovers from those "extra potent just in case it is the apocalypse, yes, we're Scullyists so we know it's not the new millennium yet, but still we wanna party like it's 1999" Scullyritas that the lounge was serving last night. Good thing we got some new blenders in the Abbey for Christmas this year. Anyway, Happy New Year Sisters and Brothers. May the coming year bring you everything you want.

Mailing List Move
The OBSSE mailing list recently made a move to a new and improved version of itself. Of course, my favorite features are the various auto-admin abilities that mean I don't even have to swing the trout myself. Now you no longer have to unsub when you need to leave for a while (using the handy "nomail" feature), the OB in the header is automatic, and subscribing and unsubscribing is a snap. Though it might be fun to see one of those Mensa influenced "GeT ME OfF THiS liST" messages every so often for old times sake. 

If you wish to join this list of over 500 Scully fans, please first read the rules and FAQ found at Colin's Official OBSSE Information Site and then visit the Abbey Communications Center for information on joining the list.

This Month's Abbey Bricks 
Many thanks to Marie, CathyB, NancyFF and RobbieFF for their support of the Abbey upkeep!

OBSSE Ad in NF, Inc. Program
We told you about the mention that the OBSSE Marathon got at an NF, Inc. benefit a while back. We thought we'd share the ad we placed in their program with you this month. After all, it's almost time to start thinking about those marathons again...

OBSSE Night at the Vagina Monologues
A number of Abbey members are making the trek to Los Angeles to see the Earthly Incarnation in The Vagina Monologues in Los Angeles on February 16th. The price range for tickets is from about $48 through $372 and they can be purchased through Ticketmaster at (213) 480-3232. There will be plenty of other Abbey members in the audience should you decide to attend. Just look for the formal wimples.

OBSSE Debuts New Logo
Just to start the new year off right, the OBSSE is proud to unveil a new front page logo for the website. Many thanks to Sister Jezebel for designing this fabulous new look. 

When I accepted the assignment from our esteemed editor, Dr. Paulapants, to write a ranting column, I was sure I'd have no trouble coming up with a subject. Season 7 hadn't even begun yet, and I fully expected that by the end of December I'd have been exposed to half a dozen things that annoyed the living poo out of me. 

It just figures, doesn't it?

Season 7 of The X-Files has, thus far, provided me with almost zero complaints. Okay, "Hungry" was a little boring. CSM's "I will be your father figure, put your tiny hand in mine" routine in the premiere was slightly eye-roll-inducing. And then there was Mulder's old man shirt <shudder>. Still, for the most part I've been extremely pleased, and there just hasn't been anything that's really raised my hackles. Ah, for the sweet days of "Travelers," "The Beginning," and "Schizogeny." 

Yet as I pondered the little things that had been bugging me over the past several weeks, I began to see a common thread weaving through all of them. Yes, the answers were there, I just had to know where to look -- and when I did, I found that much of my vexation could be spelled F-O-X.

No, I'm not talking about Mulder. (Or even Mulder's hair.)

Let's start with the X-Files Official Web Site. They've finally started updating it again, which is terrific. We can now get all sorts of nifty information on the show, even shooting schedules, and when someone says, "Why don't you check the official site?" we don't have to clap our hands over our mouths as we choke down the derisive laughter. When I heard about the new site, I fired up my browser and ran over to look along with everyone else. I wasn't too impressed, though -- with my Netscape 3.0 on a Macintosh, this is what Fox's state-of-the-art X-Files site looked like to me: 

That's it. That's what I got. Oh, there was also a grey background. Par-tay. Now, I know Netscape 3.0 is not the most cutting-edge browser. But, come on, most of the time I at least get the courtesy of a giant puzzle piece or something. The old site may have been laughably out of date, but at least it existed. (By now I assume they've gotten reams of complaints from outraged Netscape 3 users, as they appear to have toned down the "every Web feature known to mankind, plus a couple that David E. Kelley invented" approach enough that it seems to be working for me more or less the way it's supposed to.) 

Speaking of web sites, they may not be all that swift at putting up their own, but they sure know how to shut them down. Yeah, they're fully within their rights, all right -- but other gigantic media conglomerates in their position have, by all accounts, managed to turn the other cheek, without either being sent shivering to the poorhouse because of lost revenues or being beat up on the playground by other gigantic media conglomerates for not being hard-assed enough. Really, the crowning indignity came last month when they shut down Tiny Dancer's marvelous transcript site. Come on, do you know anybody who reads X-Files episode transcripts INSTEAD of watching the show? In fact, do you know anybody who reads them at all who isn't already a diehard fan who'd never dream of missing an episode? Most people I know who frequently read episode transcripts use them to get accurate quotes to put in fanfic or in their sig files, to support an opinion when they're discussing the show, or to (ahem) confirm quotes for a review when they're too lazy to go back and rewatch for the fourth time at 3 in the morning -- not as a substitute for the show itself. In the meantime, other sites have been told not to put up MPEGs of the episode trailers. Excuse me for my limited knowledge of the sparkling world of advertising, but aren't those trailers COMMERCIALS? Commercials for which precious airtime is purchased with hard-earned Fox money? Commercials which they hope will reach the largest possible number of viewers, so that they may entice those viewers into tuning into the advertised episode, thus increasing their ratings, thus enabling them to raise ad rates, yadda yadda yadda? So what, pray tell, is the problem with having someone else do the work to make their commercial available to millions of eager, slavering viewers, without Fox's having to pay a cent for it? And again, how many people do you know who've watched an episode trailer and then said, "Well, now that I've caught a blurry, blue-tinted glimpse of next week's special effect, I certainly don't need to watch the whole EPISODE." Nothing like pissing off legions of fans to help your show be all that it can be.

Now, it's been said before, but if The X-Files premiered today it would be pulled before Tooms had even snagged his first liver. Two mousy, somber FBI agents stumbling around in the rain with their flashlights looking for aliens, which they never find? Can it, and replace it with this self-aware MTV-style concoction about the ups and downs of life and love among twenty-somethings working at a magazine in the city.

Witness the Friday night schedule shuffle. First, Fox canceled Millennium (right before the millennium), which had a small but loyal following (I know, small but loyal followings don't keep Fox executives in pashmina boxer shorts), to make room for Harsh Realm, Chris Carter's new baby. They halfheartedly showed a couple of promos for it, nobody watched, and they shrugged their shoulders and pulled it after THREE episodes. "Its premiere didn't do as well as Millennium's," they say. Well, I seem to recall being INUNDATED with Millennium ads before it aired. It was on the side of buses, for heaven's sake (and later, Scully's lower back). Could that have had something to do with MM's better premiere numbers? I can't imagine. And I know HR was expensive, but that's all the MORE reason to give it more than three weeks to find an audience before writing it off as a total loss. Not that I would have become a regular viewer, most likely -- it was a tad too man-pain-riddled for my taste, and besides, Nurse Nancy was in it as a slovenly farm girl -- but there might have been people who would have if they'd known where to find it. And even if it wasn't pulling in the ratings they'd hoped for, and if it was at the point where they'd have pulled it had it been anyone else's show, I would think they'd cut it a LITTLE extra slack because it was Chris Carter's. Geez, look at Veronica's Closet, ugly stepchild of the Friends creators, which inexplicably continues on NBC to this day. Meanwhile, Fox has made every effort to promote the stuffing out of the bombing Jennifer Love Hewitt girl-power confection Time of Your Life -- I've never seen upcoming episodes of a show teased during the program that airs DIRECTLY AFTER it, leaving the viewer a mere 6 days, 23 hours to prepare for watching it.

So they have no Harsh Realm, no Millennium. Fine. What do they put on Friday nights, then? Why, it's repeats of World's Funniest. Maybe if we're lucky they'll follow it with repeats of Guinness World Records -- I sure would like to see the world's fattest cat again (Orange Thing, tipping the scales at 41 pounds). 

In their spare time, Fox has moved Futurama yet again (guess I'll be back to watching the second half of Nature on PBS after The Simpsons) and once more scheduled a first-run X-Files episode against the Golden Globes (I won't have to worry about a conflict this year because The X-Files wasn't nominated -- which is a good thing since when I wrote last year to Fox via their Web site questioning this decision, they replied, and I quote, "The Golden Globes are not that big of a TV Awards Show. There are bigger Awards shows -- the EMMYS and the new TV GUIDE AWARDS Show (airing FEB 1st)!!" Pardon me, I didn't mean to offend the quiet dignity of the TV Guide awards). 

But most significant, and frustrating, to my mind is the way Fox is making a concerted effort to treat The X-Files like the last Holstein in a cereal factory -- milking it for all its worth. I will be very disappointed if, as they're beginning to insinuate, Fox goads TXF into lurching along for another season or more. It's one thing to retool a program and carry on bravely. It's quite another to lose both main characters, plus the creator, and still pretend you're making the show just because you happen to own the rights to the title graphic. I love the show dearly (I probably wouldn't belong to a fictional Abbey dedicated to one of its characters if I didn't) and will be very sad when it's over, but come on, can't they let it go out with a few scraps of dignity remaining? David Duchovny is suing; Gillian Anderson has said she doesn't want to come back for "private reasons." Chris Carter is winding down the mythology with a graceful (I'll believe it  when I see it) denouement planned for the end of this year. The tide of trendiness in the land of television is, sadly in my opinion, turning from serious, high-quality dramas (otherworldly air optional) to ultra-hip teen soap operas, "women's" programming, and, the best indication of the final decline of our civilization, wrestling. TXF's ratings are just beginning to slide and the strain of coming up with all those wonderful stories is starting to show. All in all, it seems like an ideal time to gracefully hang up the flashlights and slip into a movie franchise. Yet if Fox has anything to say about it, the show will continue indefinitely, floating on the inertia of its brand name until nobody cares anymore. 

So here in the seventh season, my biggest worries so far are not about The X-Files itself, but about whether or not Fox will succeed in ruining it before it's through. So if next year we're all watching X-Files: The Adventure Continues, starring Jennifer Love Hewitt, "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, and Orange Thing, the fattest cat in the world -- well, don't say I didn't warn you.

 
 

SIster SpicedRum's Palate-Pleasing PANSPERMIA
Cocktail Recipe

YOU WILL NEED

1 blender with large glass jar.
(If you're prancy, plastic will work.)

Vanilla ice cream--enough to loosely fill the jar 3/4 full. (If ice cream is frozen hard, let thaw for a few minutes.

Note: Do not allow ice cream to become too soft or your PANSPERMIA will come out runny!)

2 Scullyritas, prepared as per Nanchita Snack Warrior Princess' instructions (that means right-blended and tasty).

1-1/2 (one and one-half) shots* Creme de Cacao.

3 (three) shots* GREEN Creme de Menthe.

Drink straws. The bendy kind.

A wad of grated chocolate.

Peppermint sticks. (They're like candy canes, but without that disappointing downward curve.)

Sip your delicious right-blended Scullyrita while gathering the
ingredients. Give the other 'rita to Sister Lens-of-Science in order to divert her attention away from the blender.

Dump your load of ice cream into the jar, taking care not to pack it in too tightly. Drizzle liquor over the creamy vanilla mounds. Blend, adding more alcohol if necessary, until PANSPERMIA is smooth in
consistency and glows an iridescent green. Pour into frou-frou glass.**  Garnish with a few sprinkles of grated chocolate and/or a peppermint stick. Add a straw. The bendy kind.

Toast to The Blessed One's expert scientific knowledge and suck down some PANSPERMIA.

*1 shot = 1 ounce. Alcohol amount is adjustable to taste and blender size, but try to keep the ratio of 1:2/Cacao:Menthe somewhat intact.

**For those under Sister Squat's tutelage, a highball glass may be substituted.

Poor Nun's PANSPERMIA:
Omit Creme de Cacao.

Purple Prose PANSPERMIA:
Substitute mint ice cream and try not to gag from the overkill.

If you're not into the CSM (read: potent) recipes...
Jeffy Spender PANSPERMIA:
Substitute milk for alcohol and add a few drops of green food dye.

Fill old-fashioned glass with ice. Pour 1/2 shot creme de cacao and 1 shot creme de menthe over ice. Fill glass with ice. (yes, again) Top off with half and half. Stir. Drink to your last night in the Abbey, Heretic.

If you would like to actually serve this at a party but find that the word "PANSPERMIA" embarrasses you for some unfathomable reason, feel free to call it Green Alien Pod Goo or something.  That's Scullyistic.  <shrug>

Or just call it an ice cream grasshopper.  ; )

(This is one of a series of updates about Fest '00. Please DO NOT call the location or start worrying about reservations yet. We'll let you know when it is time to do that. Watch this newsletter for more information in the coming months)

Thought we'd start the new year with a little more information about FEST '00 to hold your interest for the event. We're in the process of starting to work out the meals costs, etc. and will be getting back to you soon on that. Until then, here are a few sites you may want to look over in preparation.
 

WHEN:
June 22-25

WHERE:
Isle, MN at McQuoid's Inn Resort Motel and Event Center on Mille Lacs Lake. Located about 100 miles north (an approximate two hour drive) of the Twin Cities

ACCOMMODATIONS:
McQuoid's has a variety of accommodations (starting at $23 per person per night based on the maximum number of occupants per room -- see site for detailed cost information).

Paula:  Um, well, yes.  She said it would explain the black oil.

Autumn: Paula. Nothing explains the black oil. No wonder we have no column from her. You know what? Excuses aside the show must go on. People love this column. Hell, Rummy has even taken to making up PANSPERMIA cocktail recipes these days. I say how hard can this "science nun" stuff really be anyway? I mean you and I are intelligent adults. We've watched the Discovery Channel. I had a chemistry set in the third grade. I've heard you use the word experiment before. I say we're qualified. So, what was the topic anyway? Ah yes. BLAZING HOT PROBES. Hmm. You know, I do think Lensie was pretty qualified to talk about that. OK, here goes nothing.

In order to understand the term BLAZING HOT PROBE we must first examine each word by itself:

See this isn't so hard. When you think about it we are talking about a really hot, hot poking stick. Now why Scully was thinking about a curling iron while she was performing a Southern Blot I don't quite understand. Paula? Can you shed some light on this? Feel free to use big technical words like I did.

Paula:  It's quite simple really.  In fact, the more think about it, I was wrong to doubt Lensie when she insisted that every gal needs a BLAZING HOT PROBE.  And here I thought  she was being, well, you know... a little risqué.  How wrong I was.  Look what Scully says in Redux, regarding the utilization of this very object:  "If science serves me to these ends, it is not lost on me that the tool with which I've come to depend on absolutely cannot save or protect me, but only bring into focus the darkness that lies ahead."

The tool to which she refers to is, of course, the Conair BLAZING HOT PROBE Z150, and the darkness ahead she refers to is, obviously, a really bad hair day - or maybe a night of arm-chewing, who knows.  Now, this may be a leap, and correct me if I'm wrong, but I really think the Conair BLAZING HOT PROBE Z150's ten heat settings explain a LOT in terms of black oil inconsistencies. 

Autumn: Wow, maybe you are right. And mytharc purists mock the CHarc when all along the truth has been in Scully's hair. It's the one. The key to understanding everything in the X-Files. Or something like that. Well, I think our work here is done. And I also suspect Lensie just might get us a column next month if she can break away from having the brothers peel grapes and swim them out to her on her pool floatie long enough to type. Maybe we'll even let her talk about, oh I don't know, how wrong it is that there is no actual petting in a PET scan.

So, Scully's line to Fowley "I'm appealing to the person who must exist underneath all that cleavage and ambition" was cut from The Sixth Extinction II: Amor Fati. Still, fans were finally vindicated when Fowley died a sadly offscreen death. Now it's time for a final swift kick. We at the OBSSE are always concerned about fashion, heck there is even an article in this newsletter about it. With that in mind we ask you to look at the following picture and answer the question that has plagued us since Mimi Rogers showed up to the X-Files movie premiere wearing this outfit. WHAT THE HELL WAS SHE THINKING??

Dear Sister Autumn,

I have a problem. And, unfortunately, I'm not sure the WWSD method would be the best way to go here.

I find myself attracted to an instructor in an organization where I happen to be a student. I've seen, in fact, a written policy against relationships between instructors and trainees. But - this person is 100% guaranteed to never be my direct supervisor.

So, noting that the attraction is mutual, what should I do?

Yours in St. Scully,
"In a Quandary"

p.s. I should mention that the person in question:

1) has REALLY good hair
2) has a personality
3) dances pretty well

p.p.s. I'm suffering from acute Scullynemia and have no tapes or prospects for S7. Is the term "spoiler" relevant to me? Sadly I was a BASV - Help please.

Front of postcard for your viewing pleasure

 

----------

Dear Sister "In a Quandary" (pssst - good alias, is that something sneaky they teach in Not!Klingon school?),

So lovely to hear from our Namibia outpost. And there are those that scoff at the OBSSE world domination plans...

As you are so far removed from Abbey reality now that no, the term spoiler is no longer relevant, let alone BornAgainSpoilerVirgin, I do have good news for you about season 7. Based on what we've seen so far this year the "What Would Scully Do" method just might work for you after all. Feel free to play with this person's clothes and even their lips. Heck, if you are feeling especially amorous, suck their eyebrow for an extended period of time and smile at them all you want. This might not be quite everything you are looking for but damn, it's a start. Prospects are a whole hell of a lot better than they've been in a long time, and your New Year's Eve would have had definite potential. Plus, if you wear the same outfit Scully did in Africa I think it would only enhance your, um, possibilities, with this right haired non prancy person. God knows Scully's "possibilities" were just about as enhanced as they could get. Pity Mulder was too busy having bad haired man pain issues at the time.

Most recently, I've had an interesting internal battle. (I'll get to that in a minute, but first, I need to explain my situation.)  I am the somewhat typical college student... the person who is still discovering who I am and what I want from life.  (Also, I am a new sister of OBSSE.)  I am an English major, Chemistry minor.  I've always considered myself a curious person, always asking, "Why?"  With this said, I am Christian.  My "interesting internal battle" has been deciding whether to convert to Catholism or not.  A Scully quote (one of my favorites) from All Souls keeps ringing through my mind, "As much as I have my faith, I am a scientist, trained to weigh evidence.  But science only tells us how.  Not why."

With all of this said, The Holy One doesn't seem to have much of a struggle between her science and faith, and yet I seem to be having many...  Do you have any words of wisdom or comfort to offer?  (I realize that it's a pretty tough question, but I think I need all the help I can get right now!!  Thanks bunches!)

Sincerely,
Sister Jessi
---------- 

Hasta La Vista Jessi (given we are addressing each other in Spanish that is better than "Drop the Chalupa Jessi" so don't complain about my foreign language skills),

Jessi. I love Scully. As the leader of this Order, that has to be a prerequisite for the job. I think she's fabulously intelligent, smartly dressed (well, mostly, I still don't like to talk about that black zippered jacket), and has a heart of gold. However, while I may admire her and head up a worldwide organization bent on global domination and dedicated to worshipping a fictional television character, I also know that I must make my own decisions. Personally, I refuse to base important personal life choice on some silly surfer's writing whims. Call me foolish. That and if one really based their life on Scully they could look forward to misery coupled with getting laid approximately once a decade and unfortunate beige fashion periods. 

Be your own person. That is what Scully would do.

One last thing, and maybe this is just me, but before I'd convert to something, I'd at least learn to spell it. Catholicism.

Dear Sister Autumn, whose radiance shines on Brother RJ with unending
punishment - er - patience, as so has inspired this sister to crawl back
again for more abuse - er - advice, 

I have sought your advice on two separate occasions, in May of '98 and
November of '98.  Now I have one question to ask your advice of, and one
question on which I would appreciate your opinion, but not necessarily
follow it:

1.  I have a three year old Rottweiler/Lab mix ("Rocky") my family adopted from the pound, who now lives the single life with me in an 1100 sq ft condo.  My father more or less picked him out when we adopted him, but I lobbied long and hard on this dog's behalf because he is distantly related to The Holy Medium's dog, "Chloe" (he's half a Rottweiler, her dog's a whole Rottweiler... they're related somewhere down the line). My dog gets lonely when I go away to school and work, though, so I am considering adopting a friend for him.

Should I get a Pomeranian?  Am I obliged to name it "Queequeg"?

Not that "Queequeg" isn't a fantastic name for a dog.  It's just I'm somewhat worried about what the reaction in the local dog park community will be when I call this theoretical dog.  Also, I live in Arizona, where there are (to my knowledge at least) no crocodiles.  Does this mean that I will someday have to fly to another part of the country and forfeit this poor little guy's life to a large reptile?

I humbly await your advice.

2.  The next question is very serious (seriously).  Waaaaay back, when the first season was airing (I have been around since the pilot aired), I wrote some fan fiction. Then I wrote some dimly disguised fan fiction, because I knew I'd never be able to make money off of fan fiction (pesky copyright laws!). Then what I was writing evolved into something that is only very distantly related to the Chronicles of Her Great Works.  Then the novel series took on a mind of its own, and bears very, very little resemblance to the origin.

However, my heroine bears a marked resemblance to She-Of-Mood- Morphing-Stature (in case that one got by you, have you ever noticed that Her Holiness gets shorter in comparison to the Punk when she is threatened?).  My character is petite, with red hair (though hers goes to her waist), blue eyes, a predilection for designer pantsuits, and - well, er - shares the same first name (but she uses hers).

*ducks*

My character is very different, though.  She was born in France in the 1500's, is a vampire, was gifted with a superior singing voice (though She-Who-Sings- Folk-Songs-Without-A-Campfire has a... lovely voice too), has an early Renaissance mentality, not to mention many faults that would never be attributed to She-Who-Rescues-the-Punk-Even-In-His- Own-Subconscious-And-Very-Misguided-Fantasies.

Is this blasphemy, or can it be considered loving tribute?  My character - for the 16th century vampire is most certainly my own - no longer casts any origins beyond appearance and Christian name back to She-Who- Inspires-Most-Clever-Devotional-Titles-Such-As-This-One.

Would She be offended, do you think?  Does the notion offend you?  It's
not uncommon in the sci-fi/fantasy publishing world to devote the names
of planets and characters to favorite sources that inspired them.  'Sides which, Our Blessed Saint only seems to use/hear her Christian name when there is strife in her life.  Maybe she's better off without.

I eagerly await your reply,

CC (those are initials for my first and middle names, not a tribute to The Creator, Chris Carter) Decker

PS - I hate to say it, but even if you are grossly offended by what is now a tribute to She-Who-Must-Have-A-Spectacular-Drycleaner, I'm going to do my thing anyway. (Shrug.)  No offense.

PPS - I might be wordy, but you published Brother RJ's letter, and that was 601 words long.  But, saving this PPS note, mine's only 21 words longer.
----------

CC,

1) Personally, I'd get a cat.

2) Dana the DKNY-Clad French Folk Singing Vampire? It boggles the mind. For instance, I'm now wondering just what do designer pants suits look like in the 1500s? Do they have ruffles? Do they come in beige and black? For what Scully thinks of vampires pop in "Bad Blood." As for folk singers, I think that the band Cracker summed it up best when they said "What the world needs now is another folk singer like I need a hole in my head." Perhaps they meant two holes.

PS - Why did you ask my opinion if you don't really care? Seems to me a waste of time.

PPS - Writing a letter longer than RJ  is not the way to earn Sister Autumn brownie points. You might conjure him.

Dear She Whose Trout I Am Not Worthy To Feed While She Is On Vacation,

I am terribly, terribly concerned about something that happened this evening, and I hope you can help me -- or, at the very least, light a candle in front of St. Margaret Mary's portrait for me.

I realize that only weeks have passed since the demise of Our Lady of the Cavernous Cleavage.  In fact, I still have the scent of Morley Lights and funeral flowers about my person.  Just enough to remind me of how happy I am for the end of Plot Devices and rampant distrust. 

And yet...

I found myself watching It's Like, You Know... tonight just to see three minutes of Mimi--dear, gone-but-never-forgotten-once-you've-seen-her-in- a-black-lace-negligee Mimi--as a sexual harassment insurance company employee.  Worse, she wore these little black glasses that looked a lot like the ones that the EI was spotted in so often this fall.  And she looked so... cute in them.

Dearest Autumn, what do I do about this?  I fear that even repeated viewings of 2F/1S will not cure what ails me.  Is merely this a case of bad OUSFH crack flashbacks, or something far worse at work here?

- Sister Liz
----------

Dear Liz,

As a holiday present to you I'm going to completely ignore the fact that you admitted to watching It's Like, You Know... and move on to the point. Isn't it amazing just how bad 1013 managed to make Mimi look? Not that Mimi has not on occasion made herself look bad as well. Who can forget the  skin tight silver outfit she wore to the movie premiere? (See the poll above.) God knows I have tried. But still. When filmed by 1013 they managed to strip her of any beauty she had along with her shirt. I'll bet she's just as glad to be gone from X-Files as we were to have her leave. Anyway, it's the character, not the actress we despise. And that character is gone, gone, gone. Perhaps your elation at the demise of all things foul has given you a sense of giddy forgiveness towards the actress for being forced to speak and act in that Carteresque despicable boyficy nature. Now, if you start to find Fowley cute, then it is time for some serious intervention.

Dear Sister Autumn,

I would never profess to be right-haired, but recently an incident occurred that resulted in a great deal of inner turmoil for me. Last week, as I approached my destination, I glanced in my mirror and realized that I had inadvertently styled myself into a season 2 hairdo. Or, more accurately, it had several elements to it that were freakishly reminiscent of season 2. 

My immediate thought was one of disgust at myself for being at least two seasons off the desired look. My second thought was that perhaps I should take comfort in the fact that my hair slightly resembled our Saint, even if it was not the look I had intended. I debated both sides of the issue but could not reach a conclusion. How would you have reacted if you were faced with my situation?

Thank you,
Jo Polniaczek (who doesn't even own a curling iron) 
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Good question Jo!

This is a tough one. Especially since you did not clarify exactly which of the curling iron gone mad hairdos it looked like. Was it in the five curling iron or two with some mouse period? By the end of the season all was under control so I'm sensing you are not talking about that time. Here's the thing to remember: Though good hair and ba...um...not so good hair, through the black and the beige, through the Detour and Post Modern Prometheus rain frizzies we always loved her. Sure, every girl wishes for Movie!Hair, but how likely is that? Even Scully only had that true perfection once and it got her tossed in a frozen tomb of green go with a big phallic symbol shoved in her mouth. I'd take what I could get myself since Scully on a Bad Hair Day looks better than me most any day of the week. Unless it was One Breath boat hair. Then I just don't know what to say except I'm sorry.

Dear Sister Autumn,

Recently having joined the order I am confronted with the way it was BA (Before Abbey) and the way it is now AA (After Abbey). You see, I come to your wondrous Abbey as a serious shipper. I am one of those who could not sleep a WINK after the kiss on Millennium for all my excitement. I had to watch it about 1000 times.... but I digress. So, BA, I believed whole-heartedly that the world will be grand if only these two FBI Agents will curtail the bickering for a moment and proclaim their undying love over a dead body (or maybe undead...). But now, AA, I have changed my tune somewhat. I feel now that the world will be VERY grand if Scully is permitted great lines and great plot with much KickAss!Scully and no PUNKishness from her cute boyish sidekick. Though if she were to pin that same PUNK to his desk with a smooch, I would still clap and bounce and scare my kitty off the couch. So I feel I have been shown the way in this, but still there is one area which troubles me... and now I still haven't really gotten to the point, and I am sorry about that.... but it is hard to come out with such an embarrassing question....

(sigh) Here goes, I find Scully Oh SO VERY HOT! She makes my pulse quicken and I giggle in a most unsettling manner every time I see her image, hear her utter a word, lift an eyebrow, wield a MACHETE....etc. And yet I also now see her as the Blessed One. Is this sacrilegious? Must I beat myself with bamboo? What shall I do? Please show me the way... I'm seeing her wrapped in black sheets without the wonderbra! Is this allowed?

In great distress,
Sister Kiss
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Sister Kiss,

You are new to the Abbey if you think telling us Scully is hot is some sort of crime here. Heck if you don't think she's hot you are in the minority. We've got people of every persuasion including gay men and straight women who find her alluring. Now get to the back of the line. And let me tell you it is a long, long line and you're the new girl. So bring a book. Maybe two.

Dear Sister Autumn,

I've been in the Abby about four months and in that time have seen people 
militantly defending episodes like Kill Switch and Pusher.  I don't get it.  I've seen both episodes and didn't think they were particularly wonderful portrayals of our Saint.  What am I missing?

Sister Ronnii
Acolyte to The Blessed One
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Dear Sister Missing the Point,

They were good, entertaining episodes.

Plus Scully looked great in them. Especially Pusher.

Hope that helps.

Dear Demure One Who Knows that Buffy Rocks Almost as Well as The X-Files,

Since my high school graduation a few years back, I have been hosting a small mailing list so that my friends can keep in touch with one another. A little while ago, a flame war consisting of multiple spammings and a debate about the merits of "Buffy" erupted. My friends, normally being calm people, cut loose during the war and I was barely able to bring it to a stop.  I had only one weapon.

I threatened them with a large trout. 

Since that day, they have taken to calling me "Wielder of the Trout." Do you consider that heresy?

Voleuse
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Yes.