Issue No. 28, October 1999
This month, News for the OBSSEsed is very proud to introduce two new regular columns: Sister Lens-of-Science Explains it All For You, by  Sister Lens, and The Art of the Perv, by Sister Squat.  We're also pleased to announce Kara Zod's return with original Karatoons as a monthly installment.

In this edition you'll find all sorts of Abbey news (like what those scary MN girls are up to), updates, tender words of wisdom from Ask Autumn, and feature articles to tide you over through this last long month of hiatus.  Find out what Sister Jean exposes (more than just sequins) in her undercover report on Abbey prancing, and why Sister Rania may have discovered the keys to the X-Files by comparing Mulder to Bruce Willis.

As if that wasn't enough (and you know, really, in its own twisted way it is) Guest Columnist Seymour Little Feather, Attorney at Law is on hand to lend his legal expertise and observations on Fox litigation you haven't even dreamed to guess about.

Hope you enjoy this edition - we certainly did.  See you next month, and in the meantime, get those blank tapes ready, plan that party, and get ready to spread some premiere cheer!

Paula R
Autumn Tysko

D E S I G N   &   G R A P H I C S

C O N T R I B U T O R S   t o  No. 2 8
Sister Rania
Sister Synnova
Sister Lens-of-Science
Kara Zod
Dave Fox
Mr. Seymour Little Feather
Sister Jean
Sister Squat
Thanks to Haven for image assistance

News for the OBSSEsed is a monthly publication of The Order of the Blessed St. Scully the Enigmatic

by Sister Autumn

Well, with this month we experienced even more website fun! Seems that the new Abbey was just too popular and the website traffic generated by it caused Mindspring (don't even get me started) to decide that we were a commercial account in hopes of getting more money. Who knew? Maybe we should sell stock next. The good news from all this is that we do have a rather cool permanent home for all the Sisters and Brothers of the Order: Now, no matter where we move, the one URL will do the trick for all your Abbey needs. So, change your bookmarks again. Sorry for the inconvenience!

OBSSE Patron Saints

The Blessed One isn't the only saint in our dear Abbey. With the move to a commercial website and the registering of on the internet came additional costs to maintaining the Abbey. When word of this got out on the mailing list, an impromptu fund drive came about which consisted of a lot of people sending me donations in lots and lots of little white envelopes for the Abbey upkeep - not to mention all the lovely notes, cards, poems, etc. I received. I'd like to take this time to thank all that donated to help offset the costs of running the community website. Think of it as having your name on a brick in our virtual Abbey. You're our Patron Saints. Thank you. is Award Winning!

Since the new Abbey has been in operation we've already been honored with three awards. The Official Gillian Anderson Website (GAWS) has named us a favorite site, Netscape Open Directory has designated us a "cool site," and PlanetClick named us "Click of the Day." Special thanks to Sister La.. who gives us that way cool look and feel!

With Friends Like These...

Things got a little odd around the Abbey on September 25th. Seems a few of the Sisters and Brothers thought it would be very very funny to turn the most Holy OBSSE website into a bastion of pure evil on my birthday. The results of this prank can be seen at The Order of the Uplifted St. Fowley the Hooterlicious (OUSFH - pronounced "owz-feh" of course). Be afraid, but also be prepared to laugh. It is, IMHO, one of the most hilarious things this twisted group has come up with, and that is saying something!

OBSSE Patron Saints
Stephanie D.
Sister Benhur
Sister Portia
Sister Bruce
 Sister Kay
Libby W.
Michelle Gardner
 Sister Sandy
Michelle Gulik
Ten Seconds Tammy
Rebecca S.
 Angel L.
Princess Lauren
Naomi B.
Sister Scullydala
Special Pants
Sis Hypatia
 Sister Stephanie
 Elizabeth H.
Sister Aderyn
Sheila W.
 Cindy S.
 Sandra B.
Kristin L.
 Mary "DeeJ" N.
Twisted Sister
Sister Isabella
Sarah D.
Dave F.
Sister xmoshgrrl
TETINFF, Inc. Headquarters
Kirby Dee
Suzanne the Half-Brit

 By Sister Rania

[Editor's Note:  For the three or four people out there who have yet to see the movie, The Sixth Sense, this article contains critical spoilers.]

I know that it is sacrilegious to admit it, but there is an advantage to the off-season of the X-Files.  Let me illustrate with an example.  Last season, I spent the week that Milagro aired bundled up in my basement rewatching the episode so many times that by the time I emerged, I looked like Boo Radley and thought like Philip Padgett.  Instead of brushing my hair, I "used the weapon in a feeble attempt to tame the wild, raven, cylindrical keratinous filaments sprouting from the imperfect sphere resting on my neck."  Instead of plucking my eyebrows, I  "tried to deny the Frida Kahlo part of me, not admitting to myself that I enjoyed the sharp pain of each hair being pulled like an overgrown weed from my face."   Needless to say, this is not very healthy.  I really don't know how Chris Carter does it. 

The advantage to the off-season is that I often leave my house. Sometimes, even at night.  Every once in a while, when Saturn is aligned with Uranus, I even see a movie that does not in any way involve Gillian Anderson or David Duchovny.  Inevitably, however, I end up finding parallels between whatever movie I see, and The X-Files.

Recently, I ventured out into the real world and watched The Sixth Sense.  I thought a lot about this movie after I left the theatre, and on the way home, I suddenly had an epiphany.  Various scenes of the past six seasons of The X-Files flashed before my eyes like Michael Kritchgau's drawn-out and unimaginably boring explication of the conspiracy that I always fast-forward through in Redux, except more exciting and with more shots of Scully.  I suddenly thought, what if Mulder is dead?  What if he's been dead all along and Scully is just like that unfortunate squinty, whispering kid in The Sixth Sense?  Everything in the X-Files suddenly made sense.

Throughout the show, there have been so many "keys to the X-Files," Mulder would need a janitor's chain to carry them all.  But I can confidently say that this may be the true key to everything in the X-Files.  We know that Scully "sees dead people."  We have proof of this in Beyond the Sea, Christmas Carol, Emily, and the dead people parade that is Elegy.  The woman has a sixth sense.  So, my theory is that Mulder was killed by the consortium in the pilot episode.  If there is any justice in the world, somebody would have killed him right after he said "our boys came down here and enjoyed the local salmon, which with a twist of lemon is just to die for, if you'll pardon the expression."  His death had to happen in the pilot, because his behavior in that episode is just so drastically different from anything he has done since.  His vocal range alone can prove this point.  The man reaches levels we will never hear again.  He is just so animated and lively, and his voice is so full of life.  It's almost scary. 

I think that this theory goes a long way to explain many heretofore unexplainable aspects of The X-Files.  Why Scully has always done all the work.  Why she is always in ten layers of clothing no matter what the weather, while Mulder is only in jeans and a gray T-shirt.  Why Mulder has hunches on every topic under the sun, while the only hunches Scully has involve seeing dead people.  Why in Gethsemane/Redux, all those sexy white guys on the hearing panel looked at her like she was crazy - they'd known for five years that Mulder was dead!  This also explains why this all-powerful consortium has not killed Mulder, though by his own admission he is no more than an annoyance.  And we all know that his demise would result in a crusade about as lengthy as the time that elapses between X-Files reruns on cable.  This also explains why, no matter how hard he scrunches up his face, Mulder cannot produce even one tear.  Ghosts can't cry! 

The most enigmatic thing that this theory explains, is why two beautiful, intelligent, successful, confident people are not having sex.  For me, this is by far the most mysterious thing about the X-Files.  I believe there are killer South American cats with a vendetta against academia.  I believe that Tibet has produced killer garbage monsters as well as the Dalai Lama.  I believe vampires pay taxes.  I believe Mulder's ties explain color-blindness.  I DO NOT believe that Mulder and Scully don't get any.  A person can only suspend so much disbelief.  THIS is what goes beyond the realm of science.  But if Mulder is dead and Scully is hanging out with him, voila!  An explanation. 

It is a bit more challenging to explain the travesty that is the mytharc.  The only thing I can come up with is that the whole whacked-out conspiracy is a figment of Mulder's imagination, which he is imparting to Scully in an attempt to get her to solve his problems.  The other unanswered question is why Scully does not realize that he is dead. In The Sixth Sense, if you can't see the dead person's injury, you can't tell that that person is dead.  So, where is Mulder's injury?  Hmmmm..the only part of his anatomy which we can assume Scully has not seen is his...  Owwie.  Poor Mulder. 







By Sister Synnova and the Fest '00 Planning Consortium

(A note from Autumn: In the interest of providing you all with as much information about Fest '00 as soon as possible we're giving you this update. Please DO NOT call the location or start worrying about reservations yet. We'll let you know when it is time to do that. This information is provided for planning and budgetary purposes. Well, and to get you excited too.)

Just pick up your calendar and make it happen!  Fest '00 will be held June
22-25 in Isle, MN. We have reserved a combination of condos, cabins, and motel rooms at a McQuoid's Inn Resort Motel and Event Center
on beautiful Mille Lacs Lake. McQuoid's has a variety of accommodations (starting at $23 per person per night based on the maximum number of occupants per room -- see site for detailed cost information), and features a charming conference center complete with pra...ah, I mean, dance floor. Located about 100 miles north (an approximate two hour drive) of the Twin Cities, this idyllic resort should fulfill all of our Fest-going needs. Watch future newsletters for more Fest '00 updates!

Let's face it.  Sometimes Scully opens her mouth and stuff comes out that
makes no sense whatsoever.  I mean, she spouts these long, complicated
scientific terms and concepts, and it sinks into the same dead zone in my
brain where all the airplane model identifiers go.  I'm strapped into coach
(dammit) and the pilot is droning on about the plane being a DC9 or an L1011, or the Stealth Bomber, for all I know, because I am not paying attention, and even if I were to pay attention all I would hear is the pilot's words hitting that spot in my brain which translates them into the Snoopy Teacher's voice going "Mwa mwa mwa."  It just makes no sense to me.

Where was I again?

Oh, right.  Scully.

Anyway, I was thinking that as an educational service, I would attempt to
unravel one Scullyistic scientific term or concept each month, for the
edification of the Abbey.

This month's word comes from the season six episode:  Biogenesis.


(Oh don't start.  *I* wanted to explain the intimate details of what exactly
constitutes a  "blazing hot probe" but Sister Paula wouldn't let me.)

The word comes from the Greek, Pan, meaning "Sandy Duncan" and spermia meaning "should not have been portraying a preadolescent boy at her age." No, no. Actually it means "seeds everywhere," and the concept was first proposed by the Greek philosopher Anaxagoras.  The modern definition of PANSPERMIA takes into account that the genetic "seeds," or  organic compounds of life are present in interstellar dust, and proposes that  this dust is what spreads life throughout the universe, and on earth.

Ok, ok, I know what you're thinking.  You're thinking, "Sure.  Fine.  <snap>
Whatever."  And you might be right about that.  But you're also thinking
"Lensie, besides the gratuitous reference to the word sperm where the hell are you going with this?"  My answer?  I'm not sure, but hey, this is at
least as interesting as Space, right?  Right?

My fifth grade English teacher used to tell me that if you use a word five
times, it's yours.  This month, let's use the word PANSPERMIA as often as possible in public conversation.  Not because it's an intelligent concept, or because it's something every educated person should know something about, no, no.  Use it because any sentence containing the word PANSPERMIA is innately hilarious.  I'll prove it.  Try this with me:

  • "But officer, I didn't mean to run the stop sign, it's just that I was busy contemplating PANSPERMIA."

  • "You know, you'd think The Weather Channel would let Jim Cantore wear something better than a crappy windbreaker what with all these hurricanes, and PANSPERMIA and all."

  • "You'd like to see my justification for deducting $4700 dollars in comestibles?.  No problem.  But first, let's talk PANSPERMIA."

  • "My name is Lensie* and I'll be your server tonight, thanks to PANSPERMIA."

  • "How about that PANSPERMIA, eh?  Eh? Come back here!"
*(Note: you don't have to say your name is Lensie, actually.  Me, I usually
introduce myself as Kirby.)

So that's it for this month.  Stay tuned for the next newsletter, when we
clarify Scully's tracheotomy from Agua Mala, and discuss why she was using a ballpoint pen, when she had a perfectly good Sharpie marker handy.

(Pssst....I'll try to work in that "blazing hot probe" bit when no one's

Poll: Get in Touch with Your Inner Psychic!Scully

Let's hear your predictions for the season premiere - the more bizarre the better! Just remember back to Biogenesis, where last we saw Scully at the beach, standing on a very large Clue. Now tune into your inner Psychic!Scully. What happens? In December we'll publish those entries that came closest in accuracy. Those of you who know spoilers for the first episode - don't even think about it. We know what you do.

Are you an OBSSE Member? YesNo

Here's my bizarre (but brief) prediction for the season premiere:

Karatoon by Kara Zod

"It's unexplained. What do you want? Aliens? Tractor beams?"

To send in your burning question just email me at Ask Sister Autumn.
Dearest Sister Dana,

My, how time flies. It seems like only yesterday you were spending the Fourth of July aboard our yacht in the Mediterranean, and now fall is once again upon us. I sense that you're gearing up for another long winter picking through the organs of the recently deceased and chasing society's less charming element through city streets. I'm glad you've taken my advice to heart -- black doesn't show gore and gunpowder nearly so well as other colors.

However -- there's no need to be morbid.  A nice pink lycra top underneath your suits may be just the thing to say "Look at me, I'm saucy" to your coworkers.  God knows they should get to see the side of you that I do. I've half a mind to send the videotape of you karaokeing with that handsome Italian gentleman to your supervisor.  If I do, I will edit the part where your hand planted itself firmly on his backside.  No need to completely rob you of your dignity at work.

The children say hello, and are enclosing a small gift they bought for you at Sotheby's with their allowances.  I never should have taken them to an auction; now they won't stop.  They bought a Picasso the other day -- if you'd like it, just let me know. Heaven knows I don't need another multimillion dollar piece of artwork crowding my walls.

Well, Cookie and I will be jetting off to the Riviera in a few hours, but I just wanted to say hello before we go.  Call Mom--I know you haven't seen her in forever.  Tell your partner I said hello. Did you talk to him about his hair yet?  Don't put it off, Dana--he may go to the barbershop before you catch him and then you'll have to look at, how did you describe it? That too-close- to-the-helicopter-rotors look? The his-barber-must-be-34-years-old- and-blind look? The does-he-really- think-that-looks-good look? At any
rate, remember to tell him that a bad haircut can ruin your whole outlook on life.  Remember how unhappy you were a few years ago when your hair was doing that long, flippy, curly thing?  You were wearing all that beige; we knew it was a cry for help.  Thank God Armani was there for you.

Call me if you need me -- my cell phone is always on. And if you need a vacation, I know a nice topless beach where you can unwind.

Love and kisses,

Dear Sister Autumn whose demureness and enigmaticness is rivaled only by that of the Mighty-Eyebrow-Archer-Who-Did-Not-Win-an-Emmy ::sniff::,

I have a confession to make... I really hate science.  I know I should be trying to see all things through the lens of science and such just like TBO, but it's still hard to keep awake in my science class.  It's all stuff like forces and motion instead of the important things like how to do an autopsy and immediately notice green goo none of the coroners had noticed before or the name of a disorder where you think you're a vampire and stuff like that. They won't even teach us what kind of cells are alien cells, or would be if aliens existed (which they don't of course).  Even St. Scully would have to admit Newton's Laws are pretty nonmoviewording boring. I know I'm a disgrace to TBO.  Please send some advice.

Humbly signed,

Sister Ami 
Dear Ami,

The path of science is not the true path for everyone. I've heard Mulderists hate it as well. Of course I wouldn't know personally. Are you finding you like dribbling a basketball too? Ever experienced man pain? Did you check everywhere? If you had been staying awake in class you would know science is much more than "forces and motion" though any good little Scullyist can tell you that Scully the Physics major thinks forces and motion are just dandy (dandy enough to get a degree in), and friction - hoo boy! Too bad she doesn't seem to get much hands on experience with it these days. I'm thinking some motion with a little force probably sounds pretty good to her right about now.

My advice: coffee. Then perhaps you will be awake for all those green goo lectures you're currently snoring through.

To Autumn, whom I swear that I saw outside my window one night, tossing
china plates into the air and shooting them with a high-powered rifle while
crying out, "Take that, sucker!" --

Like a lot of people, I imagine, I read the personal ads for my amusement.
Not for romantic motivations, of course. It strikes me as a peculiar way to
meet people and nobody is ever asking for "a thin, pale used-bookstore owner in his late twenties to cuddle and fondle."

Anyway... I came across this one ad placed by a man looking for female
companionship. He listed among his likes both "The X-Files" and "Ally
McBeal." If you were to create a psychological profile of this man, what would you say? And what woman would make a suitable mate for him?

A Scully agnostic,

David Hearne

Scully agnostic? Does that mean you believe in Scully but think her essential nature is unknowable? Well, we do call her enigmatic if that helps you. I suppose it is better than being a Scully atheist. 

As for your question. First, I'm sure everyone bought that "I read the personal ads for my amusement" bit - good cover. This guy that placed the ad you read, he wouldn't be a "friend" of yours would he? 

If I were to work up a psychological profile of this man as you ask (and thank you for noticing that I am inherently qualified to do so by virtue of the fact that I write this column even though I have had no formal training), I would say the boy is a little confused as to exactly what sort of "female companionship" he is looking for. I see a rather random delusional character that for some reason wants to respect women but only if they carry a gun and wear a really really short skirt. They can't decide what is more important to worry about: an alien invasion that could wipe out the world's population or dancing babies. Frankly, I'd peg the author of this little lonely hearts missive a Mulderist. One who knows a good thing, has it sitting right in front of him, but cannot break bad habits. I'm guessing he watches Ally to ogle and Scully to feel good about himself. Maybe he should be watching "Snoops" instead. I hear that has babes with guns.

As a side note David, and I only say this because I care, perhaps it is best not to worry about suitable mates for complete strangers. Just a thought.

Dear Autumn,

I understand that you don't want any "someone doesn't like Scully"
questions, but I had to ask you about this case.  In today's USA Today
(Friday 9/10), critic Robert Bianco listed his picks and predictions for the Emmys.  It wasn't his not-Gillian prediction that bothered me, it was this following statement, regarding the drama actress category: "Where have all the strong lead roles for women gone? Not that some of these actresses don't merit recognition, but in each case, they're really playing supporting roles to male stars."  He is not only possibly dissing Gillian but also totally disrespecting The Blessed One! Since Bianco has probably never watched much of the show, I'm figuring he does not have a full understanding of Dana Scully. 

Here's where I ask for your help.  I was wondering if you and your fellow sisters could come up with something creative (which isn't a problem for you guys) and send it Bianco's way, letting him know what nerve he has implying Scully isn't strong and accusing TBO of being a supporting character!  You probably think I'm crazy for even suggesting this and caring so much about some little comment, but please consider taking action!


While I agree with your theory that Bianco does not have a full understanding of Dana Scully, I think it is more because he is basically an NYPD Blue lovin' jiggle camera cretin rather than having to do with how much he has watched the X-Files. Sadly he has in his tenure at USA Today shown a complete lack of interest in our show. However, despite our plans for a world domination that holds really keen cocktail parties, not everyone can be convinced about the truth. It is better to pick one's battles wisely rather than letting a lone voice from McPaper ruffle our feathers. Then again, this could be a fine job for the kitchen crew if they were not already so busy devising new recipes for something called a Carter Crisp.

Supporting character. Harumph. Well, we all know what happens to those who treat Her Pantsuitedness like a smudge on the screen. If I were him I'd stay away from the flames at the USA Today BBQ.

Dear Sister Autumn, Oh Superbly Sentient Sage of the The Celestial St. Scully,

Hi. It's Brother RJ again with another question concerning yet another Nocturnal Vision of the Blessed One. It fact, I had TWO Visions of The Blessed One. I'll cut right to the chase and tell you about the Good Parts:

In the first one, which occurred somewhere around 4 am, I was at a local science fiction convention. I walked into a room where they were going to have an X-Files Trivia contest, and I inquired about that kind of wonderful prizes they had to offer. Strangely, all they had were Marvel comic-type prizes, notably Spiderman and X-Men stuff. Not happy with this, I pulled out my St. Scully "Action!Figure Scully" icon and asked "Would some of the X-Men action figure stuff fit Scully?" and to my surprise, a green battle armor/space suit set did. To which I got thunderous applause for demonstrating. Also, Mitch Pileggi was there at the convention as a guest and said how great Scully looked in said battle armor/space suit.

The next vision occurred sometime around 8 am (it being Sunday and rainy and perfect for sleeping in). I was visiting some brightly-colored house in orange, red and yellow, somewhere near a European harbor. When I got down to ground level kitchen/laundry area, The Blessed One in KickButt!Scully form burst in looking like Mrs. Peel from the Avengers!! She proceeded to beat some some Evil Spy types with her patent Kung Fu Kicks to steal some secret plans. Next thing you know, the Blessed One herself and ME were riding in some electric carriage across the harbor's many bridges and canals... with (get this....) our Manager Dick Clark! Seems she converted back to her Earth Avatar Actress form of Gillian Anderson and I was some sort of well-known guitarist and we were... well, Romantically Involved!!! And when we rode past a shore of rough-looking stormy seas, black storm clouds, and lightning, I turned to her and said, "the skies and sea look so gothically scary, like something out of the the Romantic Age of Literature." And she replied, "yes, It turns me on so...." and well, you can guess where the dream went next (we were smooching).

My question as usual is, What did these visions mean?? Should I write an X-Files/X-Men crossover fanfic story or script? Perhaps a futuristic tale celebrating the Exploits of "OuterSpace!Scully"? Should I move to Amsterdam or Hamburg or Stockholm to spread the word of "Sexy!Scully" there or find new romantic love? Or have I just been watching Brother Paul Leone's borrowed tape of the X-Files gag reels, Gillian Anderson's "Extremis" music video, and all the really Coool OBSSE Videos featured at the OBSSE Fest (including the News reports of the first OBSSE Fest) too much??? Or do they mean something entirely different???

And no, I didn't eat any pepperoni or paprika before bed, either!

Brother RJ

When are you going to come clean with us and just admit what sort of medication you are on? 

You know what? You're right. You should move to Hamburg and dress your Scully action figure in an X-Men spacesuit. This is a sure way to get Gillian Anderson to suddenly notice you, you little rock star you. Maybe you should dress in an X-Men spacesuit as well. It certainly could not hurt. I'm certain you'll be fighting the women off. Now hurry up. You've got packing to do.

Dear Sister Autumn, whose radiance gleams brightly across oceans, over continents, and even through a few layers of pollution,

I greet you from the land of the tsars, where in true Scullyist fashion I am seeking to educate myself in all things and win new recruits, learning on the side such useful Russian phrases as "where is the metro?" and "please don't cut off my arm."

But She Who Fears Analogies About Mellow Fruitiness And Therefore Will Get None Such From Me, I need guidance, for I am having some issues.

It all began with a single word. It turns out that the Russian word for holy is "doo-khov-noi." And while at first I found it mildly distressing that an entire nation of people was so intrinsically backward, my own Scullyist soul felt quite secure. But language is an insidious thing, and after only a few short weeks, I find myself thinking "holy" every time I hear the name of that actor who is lucky enough to share a screen with GA.

I wouldn't call it a lack of faith per se. Right now, it's just a bit of involuntary linguistic legerdemain. But Bearer of the Shining Fish of Uprightness, I worry. You see, life is not easy for a Scullyist in this country. Because the VCRs function according to a different system here, I am tapeless. And while I faithfully tune in for X-Files every time it runs on the networks, the voice of our saint has been replaced by that of a far inferior actress who (to add insult to injury) has the unmitigated gall to speak in Russian, obscuring my perfect understanding of her wisdom. Perhaps most deadly of all, I am deprived of the company of my fellow Scullyists; I must fight alone.

At the risk of sounding Mulderist, I must say that I feel myself to be at the center of a vast conspiracy to turn me from my Scullyism. I promise you, I fight in every way that I can. I make sure to pray to my PI every night and contemplate the CHarc in my free moments, and so far my faith has remained perfect, unwavering. But I know that this is only the beginning. I fear for my future. What advice can you give me, O wise one?

Your Comrade in Scullyism,
Sister FortunateOne


The Dark Tower
(or Truth about the Abbey FFamily Tower)
by Brother Dave Fox

The wraiths may call it wonderful and feed us that "dial and smile" crap, but the actual people in the Abbey know the FFamily Tower by its real name: Barad-dur, the Dark Tower.

Its history is complex and recorded in numerous ancient texts, particularly the Siblirenillion. During the First Age of the Abbey, the nuns and monks learned to build extremely hot fires by burning lard.  They forged the Magic Crosses, intended to promote harmony in the world. A first set of Nine Crosses and a second set of Seven Crosses were dispersed through standard retail channels. They then forged the Three Crosses, which were
kept by the Abbey members and intended to be the most powerful of all.

Unknown to them, the Dark Lord had infiltrated the Abbey. The Dark Lord secretly forged the One Cross to rule all the other Magic Crosses. She then began construction of Barad-dur but was defeated in a mighty battle and lost possession of the One Cross.  Barad-dur fell, and the spirit of the Dark Lord was scattered across the land, but it would not be entirely destroyed so long as the One Cross existed. 

The whereabouts of the One Cross were unknown for many years. Then, by pure coincidence, it was given to a young auburn-haired girl as a Christmas present. But before she could learn its power, it was swiped by her sister who traded it for an attractive but unmagical amulet at a flea market. And so the One Cross was again lost.

The Dark Lord, however, sensed the presence of the One Cross, and its spirit began to re-concentrate in the region known as South Carolina.  As she gained strength, she established control over the bearers of the Nine
Crosses, who had been in the wrong Wal-Mart at the wrong time.  One by one, the Crosswraithes pledged their devotion to her and assisted more openly in her evil enterprises.  The Crosswraithes always wore black and often
wielded flaming swords, both of which allowed them to blend in easily with the other residents of the Abbey.  As the Second Age of the Abbey opened, they began to rebuild Barad-dur and search for the One Cross using standard
telemarketing techniques.

This was a difficult time for the forces of Good.  The bearers of the Three Crosses were needed to resist the Dark Lord, but only one was known with certainty.  Ironically, she was the same auburn-haired girl, now fully grown and with straightened teeth. Dana's mother had given her another cross - one of the Three Crosses - for her 15th birthday.  She still did not fully comprehend its power, but under its influence she had become the
greatest force of Good in the world and the object of the Abbey's intense devotion.

The second of the Three Crosses was rumored to be in the region known as Colorado, but its bearer had not yet learned to use it for anything besides football.  Even worse, the third of the Three Crosses, which had been thought to be safely in north Texas, had vanished and appeared lost.

Such is the state of affairs today.  We have only the words of the prophets to suggest what will happen next.  It has been foretold that Dana will avoid grogginess and poor timing and finally realize the true nature of the menace and her own power; that the demure bearer of the second cross will renounce football and turn its power to more important things (or so she will later rationalize events); and that the third cross will be found.
But all will be lost if the Dark Lord finds the One Cross.

We can only hope that the influence of the Three Crosses and the efforts of the good members of the Abbey will enable Dana to locate the One Cross. And that she, along with her buffoonish but occasionally courageous companion, will discover how to destroy the One Cross or turn its power to Good.  Then the Dark Lord will finally be defeated and Barad-dur will crumble to the ground, never to be rebuilt.

Comrade Stompinski,

Yours is not an easy path, but you have come to the right nun for guidance. I'm sure the others in the Abbey are as relieved as I am to find that you have thus far managed to avoid the marauding bands of 'nyet armski, nyet testski' thugs no doubt swarming about. I am very worried about the effects of the Russion-dubbed X-Files on you ever since you volunteered that you actually liked "Teso dos Bichos." That's an early warning sign for something I'm sure. 

More frightening still is your confusion of the word "doo-khov-noi," which does indeed mean "Holy" or "spiritual" in Russian with the word "do-cov-knee" which is actually the word for the striped fuzzy tights worn in Sankt-Peterburg during the annual Leningrad follies at the Pushkin Theatre. So really instead of thinking "holy" when you think of the Punkly Incarnation you should be thinking "really long sweat socks." Hope that helps.

Oh, and Mandy? Good luck keeping that arm.

Dearest Sister Autumn, holy in the ways of TBO, thou who knowest it all and yet uses thy knowledge only to help us lesser beings seeking spiritual
guidance in holy matters,

I have three problems, that separately are not important enough to disturb
your continuous spiritual seeking, but that together are enough to give me
a reason to write to you.

The first problem is a small problem, so small that it is a little embarrassing to ask about, but I've been pondering it for so long that I can't sleep anymore and my whole family worries about me. I am wise in the ways of speaking three languages, English, Spanish and Portuguese, and I am in the process of learning a fourth, French, but then I remembered that TBO is more wise in German than anything else. So please, extend your holy grace over me and tell me, how big a sin have I committed by learning French voluntarily instead of German, the 20th century's holy language, for it is spoken, even if not perfectly by TBO?

Also, my little brother, sees in TBO not a figure to be adored or worshipped, instead a pretty woman he feels attracted to. I try to convince
him, but being that he is not an English speaker as I am, I can't get him
to read and comprehend the truth in the prayers I recite every night in
honor of TBO. What can I do to convince him? And please, have mercy on him, for he is only 7 years old, and there is still time to straighten him,
isn't there?

Third, my only friend down in Brazil where I live loves the show as much as
I do, but she favors, out of all available characters, Punk over St. Scully. She is also a shipper, a hard core, dying romantic one and we're trying to write fan fiction together. She wants to write a story in which St. Scully and the Punk engage in not-so-saintly acts not out of pity for TBO but because the Punk declares his undying love to Her Holiness!!! Actually, that part of the story has already been written, and I keep on wondering, how many sacred rules, orders and vows have I violated by accepting to do that? 

I will await whatever holy words you desire to throw at this desperate plea
for sleep, and cope with whatever penitence I am forced to conduce as long as my questions are answered.

Yours in her own name, 
Sister Ellie Smith

So would it kill you to call your mother?
by Nanchita

Dear Dana,

I know that you're a very busy woman with many responsibilities and demands on your time but really, have you forgotten that you have a mother?  And that she might like to hear from you occasionally? Like when something important happens in your life such as, oh I don't know, LIKE GETTING SHOT ON A CASE AND ALMOST DYING?  Did you ever mention to your poor, dear, sainted mother that you had spent some time in a NY hospital recovering from a gunshot wound?

You didn't even think to include her in your hallucination in Field Trip.  You imagined a whole room full of strangers attending Mulder's wake but apparently didn't think that your mother would want to pay her respects.

And this all is not just because Maggie Scully knows how to throw a fabulous dinner party complete with snack-bearing servants. It's not. Though, I for one would not mind seeing her snacks again.

Dana, you don't have much immediate family left.  Charles apparently can't be bothered to visit you when you *are* dying, Bill is on the West Coast with his annoying family but your mother is right there, wanting to be a part of her only daughter's life.

So call her, take your yogurt and bee pollen over for lunch if you want. Just pick up the phone and make it happen. 

OK Ellie, I'll answer your three questions:

1) You know what? This is just a guess, but I think Scully's German is probably limited to what we saw in "Unruhe" along with words like strudel and bratwurst. She probably secretly wishes she took French but it was offered at the same time as her very favorite class: SCI101: Forces and Motion.

2) If your seven year old brother is already thinking of St. Scully in that way you've got bigger troubles ahead with him than whether or not he understands your prayers.

3) Fan fiction in which Scully and Mulder engage in carnal acts? In which Mulder tells Scully he loves her? Who woulda thunk it. Please don't tell me there is also a song involved.

Dear Autumn mistress of the eloquently snarky retort, whose words of 'wisdom' I rarely pay any attention to, but I need a favour so what the hell,

I was delighted by the recent turn of events at the OBSSE, when finally some sibliren saw that the righteous path to enlightenment lay with the most perky, honed breasts ever to air on prime time television. The most beauticious hooters of The Uplifted One are just the focus this Abbey needs to snap all those cranky Scullynemic nuns out of their collective stupor.

Anyhow, I've got a proposition for you. I've noticed that the Abbey is still under construction, and I have an excellent idea for an additional feature - a breast augmentation clinic, so that we all might have bazooms that would make Saint Fowley proud. Really, the amount of nuns prancing around this Abbey with cleavage issues must be a source of embarrassment to you. The name of this fine establishment could be 'Abbey Augmentation & Restyling, Guaranteed Hooterliciousness' ( Well, what do you think? Please let me know as soon as possible, oh and if you can't find me here at the Abbey, I'll be at my alternative abode, Mensa Headquarters.

Yours hopefully,

Sister Dianaluv
This, my friends, is what is known as someone going the extra mile for a joke (see the OUSFH site). Somehow I don't see this clinic happening. Especially if it delays putting that new pool slide in. Keep reading though Sister. I think your dream man is below.

Oh great and powerful Sister Autumn, who's boots I'm sure I'm not worthy to lick, even if I wanted to, I come before thee with a question.

I am an avid X-phile, yet I completely failed the Test of Initiation, scoring a perfect 0 out of 12.  This I suppose makes me a Mulderist.  Is there any cure?  Or must I seek (or found) the Blessed Order Of St. Mulder?

Please help me.  The pain is great.

Yours in Chris Carter,

I'll bet the pain is great. It usually is for Mulderists. Amazingly there is no Blessed Order of St. Punk the Ditcher. Shocking I know. I was just positive after his behavior in "One Son" people would be clammering to found one. This is no doubt your calling. Oh, and yours may be in Chris Carter, but mine wouldn't be caught near him.

(Premiere) Party Pie
(1 pie, 8 servings) (PAW)

1 1/2 cups crushed pretzels
1/4 cup white sugar
2/3 cup melted butter or margarine
1 can (14 oz.) sweetened condensed milk
1/4 cup juice from limes
1/4 cup tequila
4 tablespoons Triple Sec
1 cup fresh or frozen strawberries, chopped
2 cups whipped cream, divided use red/yellow food coloring

Mix crushed pretzels, margarine and sugar.  Press into bottom (PAW) of 9-inch pie pan; also coat the sides.

In a bowl, mix tequila, Triple Sec, condensed milk and lime juice.  Pour half of the mixture in another bowl.

Add strawberries and a few drops of red food coloring to one bowl.  Fold in 1 cup of whipped cream.

To the other bowl, add only a drop or two of yellow food coloring and 1 cup of whipped cream.

Spoon into crust, alternating colors (1 layer of  each).  Freeze for 4 hours or overnight.