the OBSSEsed - continued
Issue No. 28, October 1999
By Guest Columnist Mr. Seymour Little Feather, Attorney-at-Law
In light of recent legal developments concerning the FOX TV program The X-Files, I have been asked by my friends and clients in the Obsse Abbey to brief the membership concerning certain legal matters of interest. My name is Little Feather... Seymour Little Feather, Attorney-at-Law, and I have recently joined the legal team representing Mr. David Duchovny in his lawsuit against Fox. It is my intention, along with the other esteemed members of the team (Mr. Johnnie Cochran, Former Court of Appeals Judge Joseph A. Wapner and a full size inflatable replica of Raymond Burr), to punish FOX and its subsidiaries so thoroughly that they will never again stoop so low as to offer enormous amounts of money and fame in order to seduce promising Yale grad students away from vital work, such as discussing why Arthur Miller's The Crucible and The Blair Witch Project are in fact two different movies and making fun of state schools.
In addition, we have them up on charges of Conspiracy, Fraud, Reckless Endangerment of Celebrities, Contributing to the Delinquency of an English Major and Illegally Selling Chemical and Biological Weapons to Iraq. We are following the strategy best expressed by the learned Counselor Wapner when he said, during a recent all night review of briefs at a Hooters in Burbank, CA, "DooDoo...Throw enough, some's gotta stick, y'know? And if not....Budda Bing, Budda Boom! Ya follow?"
At any rate, this case (about which I cannot comment further unless of course you wish to make a contribution to "Camp Fast Eddie," a charity based in Nassau, The Bahamas which provides a haven for underprivileged stewardesses and spokesmodels where they can unwind from their high stress careers by giving backrubs to philanthropically minded attorneys who are deeply misunderstood by everyone except for stewardesses and spokesmodels. After such a charitable donation, I can give you the secret URL where you'll find all the dirt, including WHY Chris Carter made Mr. Duchovny wear his hair like that, and what David intends to do about it) is not my main topic today. Instead, I wish to bring certain lesser-known lawsuits that are currently pending to your attention. These cases are of course in various stages of litigation, the conclusion of which may have some impact upon the budgets of future episodes of The X-Files, and whether or not The X-Files Movie 2 goes direct to video after being shot entirely in Chris Carter's back yard.
The Trematoda Boosters League is demanding "a public statement by 1013, saying that Flukes are definitely not bent on world domination and are perfectly safe to play with when all alone in the house and no one is expecting to see you for several days," ten gallons of Gillian Anderson's bathwater, and one meeelion dollars.
Mr. Liddy is demanding that from now on, he himself will portray the Cigarette Smoking Man character and that he will receive by way of compensation 10,000 rounds of 5.56 tracer ammo, a case of Chivas Regal and a certain pair of red Speedos.
Dr. Scully is seeking 35 Million dollars and the red Speedos once Mr. Liddy is done with them.
I will be back with updates on these cases, and news of any new litigation as situations warrant. Until then, remember, if you have a complaint, don't take the law into your hands...hire a legal professional to do it for you. See you all in court!
P.S. Nancy FF, thanks for the research and as usual, the envelope will be ready when the boy gets here. This time, tell him not to wear shoes.
S. Little Feather
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Seymour Little Feather (aka "Fast Eddie" Little Feather, aka Gino "Three Toes" Rangelli, aka The Rev. Theodolphus Dupree of The First Church of Christ, Atheist, aka David Bar Sinai, Lord High Master of the Unseen) was born in the mid-Sixties, the only child of an ill-fated mixed-marriage of Lakota Sioux and Hippie. He attended Law School at the prestigious La Academie du Bob on picturesque Gerrymander Island in The Bahamas.
Since passing the bar in a manner of speaking, he has worked as a personal manager, theatrical agent, accountant, law consultant, bearded lady, trial lawyer and much much more.
His first paying client was Dr. William Pilgrim, who he represented in the fabled Alpha Tau Delta Obscenity case, in which he was charged with getting an entire Notre Dame sorority drunk and then letting them sleep it off chastely after smiling fondly at them while tucking them into their cozy little beds. He was found not guilty. Since then he has represented the Family FF in all of their legal matters. He has also served the OBSSE as legal advisor, attorney of record and fixer, for the past year and a half.
During that time, he had the honor of heading
the Abbey's delegation to its groundbreaking inter-faith council with the
College of Cardinals in Vatican City. At the
In early 1999, he could be seen playing for
the NBA's Portland Trailblazers as a third string power forward under the
name of Stanislas Gradenko. That experience caused him to write "Careful,
That's the End That Bites: An Amateur's Guide to Muskrat Farming," chosen
as an alternate
Mr. Little Feather is also the author of "Witnesses Die Eventually: Chicken Soup for the Death Row Inmate's Soul" and the co-author of "Why Do Good Things Happen to Bad People, and How Can I Get Me Some of That? A Child's Guide to Evil" with Nancy Floyd-Finch.
Mr. Little Feather is thirty-something, unmarried, lives somewhere within flying distance of New York City and has no idea where his mother is, so stop leaving subpoenas for her in his mailbox, alright?
Mr. Little Feather and Ms. Floyd-Finch are just good friends. Really.
For free legal advice at easy terms, contact
Results - The New OBSSE Admittance Test
Last month we asked our members and readers to contribute new, tougher questions to our admittance test. Thanks to all who contributed! To take the revised entrance exam, updated by Sisters Squat, Glasses, Vivien, Marie, Lens, and Sarah, visit the Abbey Hall of Admittance.
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 8
with voiceovers by Gillian Anderson
I'm back! Thankfully things have slowed down enough at the Abbey that I've actually gotten to hang out in the library again and do a little reading. I think I've found some new stories that you'll enjoy as we wait out this last month before the premiere. Good reading!
This author actually wrote a story that seemed both new and very true to the character of Scully in "Innumerable" (part 2 here). In it we see the effects of a special tour of duty in Kosovo on our favorite agent. "Observances" is a quiet look at Scully through the eyes of a priest who watches her observe a private ritual every year.
It's early season six and our poor heroine is stuck in "Fuctifino," Kansas on fertilizer duty. What's a girl to do? Join Scully in another seedy bar in the amusing "Ravenspur" (part 2 here). If you're ready for some angst after that check out the excellent "Burning the Maps" (part 2 here) which gives a compelling glimpse of what the end could bring.
This author tends towards the Scully/Skinner pairing which I usually have a hard time with personally, but "Smoke on the Water" I recommend wholeheartedly. It is a nice juicy Scullycentric casefile told from a first person perspective that examines the loves in Scully's life as she tries to solve a racially motivated murder in Louisiana. All of her stories can be found at this website.
Pellinor has announced she will no longer be updating her site :
but that the site will remain up as is. It's a great loss but we wish her all the best. Stop by and check out this wonderful resource and don't forget to drop her an email of thanks for all the work she's done for the X-Philes community.
Exposé by Jean, Jean the Prance Machine
It has come to the attention of the Abbey that there are quite a number of sibliren who, for lack of a better word, prance. I know. It's shocking. It's darn near unbearable to think that our Order has been invaded by those, wrong-haired or not, who have given their lives over to the pursuit of prancing. We all know who they are. Some 75 lucky -- or unlucky, depending on your viewpoint -- members got to meet some of them at Fest '99. Heck, there was even an event designed to spotlight those dreaded prancers. The Elders, in their infinite wisdom, decided that it was better to bring the prancers out into the open for the world to see than to continue to force them to prance in the dark alleys and shadowed corners of the Abbey walls.
It is my belief that the Elders thought that by exposing the prancers to the scorn and horror of the Abbey masses, they would be shamed into denouncing their pranciness and cavort no more.
Nice try, Autumn, but it didn't work.
But I digress.
So we know who the out-of-the-closet prancers are. They're easy to spot. They bring tap shoes through metal detectors at airports, sport sequins and lycra and spandex and carry glitter eyeshadow in their makeup kits. They watch and imitate Michael Flatley and they can mix tunes and choreograph a routine faster than you can say, "Hoo Boy!" They rip off their clothes, exposing skimpy, shimmery halter tops, they swing rosary beads and oversized bras. They PRACTICE. They BOAST. They KNOW they're sinning, but continue in their disgraceful habits because they know St. Scully is forgiving, even if Autumn isn't.
Worst of all, they corrupt other, non-prancy nuns to their ways, to the point of wringing completely out-of-character confessions from otherwise sane and perfectly normal sibliren, making them state, "Next time I won't leave when Prance Practice starts in my room. I'll join in!"
But basically, the OOTC prancers are harmless. A bit nuts, a bit annoying, a bit hard to take at times, but harmless. They're kind to small children and animals. They haven't yet demanded a rehearsal hall in the newly designed Abbey. They don't talk about the times they were on network television with 6000 other people prancing in front of Macy's department store in New York City. . . erm, well, most of the time they don't, anyway. They've accepted their prancy selves and the Abbey has, for the most part, accepted them.
However, from their ranks a new prancing threat has emerged. The Abbey has been infiltrated by closet prancers. Shocking, but true. Yes, brothers and sisters, there are those in the Abbey who, although they will hotly deny it, are secretly prancy.
No one has dared to name them until now. At the risk of expulsion and serious trouting from the powers above, I am about to reveal the list of the Top Five Secret Closet Prancers. As this information may be difficult to process for our newer members, I ask that all newbies please leave the room at this time. If you must stay, please make sure your implant chip is switched on. Its filtering capabilities may not completely protect you, but at least you'll be spared permanent damage.
Everybody ready? Remember, all of those
who are about to be named will, or course, deny their pranciness to their
dying day. But who are you going to believe. . . those who doth protest
too much, or one who has
Closet Prancer #5
Sister Jezebel -- Sister Jez hails from Texas, a state known for producing prancers. I submit the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders as my evidence. Furthermore, Sister Jez has been known to wear hoopskirts under her
habit and say "y'all" as she bats her eyelashes in a thoroughly prancy fashion. Now, Jez was instrumental in the original designation of pranciness as a character flaw among the Order. But where was this bastion of moral uprightness at the Fest '99 Prance-Off? Was she there denouncing the event? Heckling the participants? Throwing Tic-Tacs at the judging panel? No. Sister Jez was mysteriously absent from the Prance-Off. Oh, sure. You could say it was a silent protest, a quiet boycott of such a ridiculous activity.
Or you could say she was just embarrassed she'd be identified as a Secret Closet Prancer. Right, Sister Jez?
Closet Prancer #4
Sister Nanchita -- You don't get to be the Snack Warrior Princess by clumping around the kitchen like a truck driver. No, only those who can flit about flaunting their culinary skills can attain such a title. Remember, it's always the quiet ones that you have to watch out for. The ones who are so unobtrusive, so outwardly calm, so positively non confrontational that you just know there's a Secret Closet Prancer lurking below the surface. Not to mention Sister Nanchita's well-documented fascination with Xena, a woman who runs around in a skimpy, fringed costume, swinging her hair and her sword while jumping on and off a horse and dropkicking her adversaries.
Leather or lycra, swords or rosary beads, dropkicking or hitchkicking, it's all the same. Face it. Xena's a prancer, too. Which makes Sister Nanchita a Secret Closet Prancer by association.
Go ahead and dispute it, Nanchita. And pass the snack tray while you're at it.
Closet Prancer #3
Sister Glasses -- Quite frankly, none of us really knows what's going on over there in Germany, and Glasses consistently refuses to tell us. After
secretly submitting one of her messages to the German consulate here in New York City and consulting with some colleagues at the linguistics department in my old high school who still owe me a favor for not intervening the time they tried to convince a substitute teacher that learning foreign epithets was part of the normal course curriculum, I have discovered that "Nachricht geschrieben von INTERNET" really means, "I prance for my Internet Service Provider." To add to the crushing weight of evidence of Sister Glasses' status as a Secret Closet Prancer, I submit that she not only aided and abetted me in my quest to practice for the Prance-Off at Fest by loaning me her Walkman so I could listen to my music, she refused, point blank, to make fun of me while I tap danced on a three-foot square of linoleum in our condo kitchen.
No normal nun would have turned down an opportunity to abuse a prancer at work. Except, of course, a Secret Closet Prancer.
Closet Prancer #2
Brother Colin -- And you thought all the prancers were women. Brother Colin foolishly thought that by twirling around in black silk boxer shorts for the entertainment of the Abbey masses he could somehow escape the prancy designation because even a self-acknowledged prancer would consider that activity ludicrous. To make matters even more complicated, various sources have confirmed long-held suspicions that Brother Colin is actually Brother Dave, who moonlights as Brother Ramjet, who is otherwise known as Dr. William Pilgrim Esq., who writes under the pseudonym of Brother Hannibal, who recently became Brother Mike, whose real name is Brother Sean. I realize this may be hard for some of you to grasp at first, but think about it. Have you ever seen any of these men in the same room at the same time?
I didn't think so. Secret Closet Prancers are nothing if not devious. Right, Colin?
Closet Prancer #1
Sister La..De..Da -- Oh, tell me you're surprised at this. Think about it. The baton. The John Tesh infatuation. The constant wearing of black clothing to disguise her prancy soul. The vehement denials of prancing. They all add up to one thing. Sister La.. is the unofficial leader of the Secret Closet Prancer movement. The Head Cheese. . . no, wait, that's Sister Beer. The ultimate prancer, so to speak.
Go ahead and deny it, La.. But we know better.
So there you have it. The Top Five Secret Closet Prancers. But remember, they're not the only ones skulking in the Abbey shadows, attempting to shield their pranciness from the scrutiny of the Order at large. There are others, ducking Autumn's trout, seeking refuge in the FF family tower, clutching potato peelers amid the Rogue Kitchen Crew, filking the Indigo Girls and any number of other songs from ABBA to the Barenaked Ladies, munching on Tic Tacs and venturing into the wilds of New Jersey on doomed rescue missions, archiving underpants threads, insisting that they don't have Canadian accents or use odd-looking currency, unable to think beyond a ten-second time span.
In other words, no matter where you go, there we prance.
To the uninitiated, The Perv may seem a mere trifle, a bit of amusing nonsense that adds entertainment value to the Sacred Readings with which Sister Autumn graces us during Friday night worship. To Abbey adepts, however, The Perv is a ritual of deep spiritual significance, allowing us to further plumb the depths of meaning behind such arcane notions as "Man Pain" and "Girl Kids." It is a thing to be taken with utmost seriousness.
Because it is so easily misunderstood, Perving should ideally be left to professionals trained in The Art. However, there are Perv hobbyists who can and do indulge in casual perving from time to time, typically evidencing only a few permanently debilitating aftereffects.
What is Perv? At the risk of grossly oversimplifying and thus misrepresenting the practice, Perv is not just a spiritual endeavour; it is a system of thought. In essence, it is a mental discipline that seeks to cast even the most innocuous concepts in a distinctly indecent light. Not, I repeat, not for its own sake, for that would lower The Art to the entirely puerile and superficial practice most frequently observed among twelve year old boys or, perhaps most accurately, the management staff of 1013 Productions. The Perv, in the hands of the most proficient practitioners, is truly an art form, worthy of deepest admiration and awe.
Take, for example, the rituals followed during the Most Sacred Holy Perv Reading, the lost scenes from "Ghost In The Machine." Typically, a Perv practitioner will begin the ritual by uttering "Huhuhuh. She said 'in'," in reference to the title of the reading. The ritual proceeds apace in a rather freeform fashion, with students of the Art inserting (heh!) relevant Perv comments in whatever way renders the text decidedly MC in context. The scene in which Scully leaves Mulder breathless requires much Perv commentary. Here, Mulder instructs Scully to "hold this," and then does things with rubber gloves and screwdrivers prior to exposing the "shaft." During subsequent references to groaning, jerking, and vibrating, the Perv reaches heights of spiritual ecstasy as Brothers and Sisters spew beverages and fall out of seats in exultation. It is a scene difficult to describe, and impossible for those present to forget.
It is easy to spot the Novice Perver. These beginners typically react to lines such as "Hey, Mulder, come here," and belabor the Self Perv, such as "The Field Where I Died" 's "You were there, Scully! You saw it, you heard it, why can't you feel it??" It is important for the more advanced student to allow this natural, if annoying, developmental process to proceed, remembering all the while that they, too, once giggled over the screamingly obvious.
Lest the reader think that The Art of the Perv is discipline (heh!) for discipline's sake, it is important to realize that there is a deeper (hee!) purpose. Perving at its finest has an infectious nature, spreading through the entire Abbey to the extent that everything becomes reductio ad pervum. This is critical toward furthering the goal of OBSSE world domination. Once others are made helplessly filth-minded through Perving, it becomes possible to institute other methods of mind control. The ultimate goal of such mind control is, of course, to accomplish the following:
a) make 1013 recognize Gillian Anderson
as the real star of The X-Files;
From little acorns grow mighty oaks, however, so we start with mental disciplines like The Art of the Perv. There are other disciplines that one can study in the Abbey, such as the Art of the Filk (Filkmistress Bryn), the Art of the Homework (Teacher'sPetmistress Princess Lauren), the Art of the Invisible (Poofmistress Paula), the Art of the Snack (Noshmistress Nanchita), and the Art of Being For Whom It Is All About (Omnimistress Autumn). I do not presume to intrude upon my esteemed sisters' areas of expertise, so it is Perv upon which I will focus from here on in. In future columns, I will illustrate Perving by providing Perv commentary on particularly representative Season Seven episodes. In doing so, I hope to guide the sibliren of the Abbey down (heh) the path of ever-greater enlightenment.
|Selected excerpts from the *original* Ghost in the Machine Script: --- MULDER AND SCULLY - MOVING toward the door. As Scully reaches for the handle, Mulder grabs her hand. SCULLY: What are you doing? MULDER: (handing her the flashlight) Hold this. From his knapsack, Mulder pulls a thick RUBBER GLOVE and a large flathead screwdriver. Scully watches as Mulder dons the glove -- and using the gloved hand, inserts the screwdriver into the lock, causing a SIZZLING FLASH. The BOLT SLIDES SHUT. --- 57 INT. ELEVATOR SHAFT Scully peers out from the open hatch. The dimly lit shaft yawns before her. She traces her flashlight down the thick steel elevator cables. Twenty feet below, she shines her flashlight on the surface of the elevator shaft, upon which is stencilled a big "29." 59 INT. ELEVATOR SHAFT - ON SCULLY reaching precariously from the mouth of the duct, to the iron rung ladder leading down to the elevator doors. Her fingers scrape along the concrete -- finally wrapping two knuckles around the rung. Scully girds herself, then swings -- hanging for a suspended moment, her feet pedalling the air -- before finding purchase on the rung. THE LADDER Scully descends INTO FRAME, the flashlight now shoved into her waistband... and now we FOLLOW her downward, one rung at a time.. She is halfway to the doors, when a loud MECHANICAL GROAN causes her to glance nervously over her shoulder: HER POV - THE ELEVATOR CABLES jerk into motion, begin vibrating. SCULLY knows the elevator is moving, but doesn't know from which direction. She unsheathes her flashlight, shines it up: nothing. Then, swinging it down, the butt catches on an iron rung which knocks the flashlight out of her hand. HER POV - Scully watches as the flashlight tumbles end over end into the abyss. Two seconds, then three until we hear it crash. CLOSE ON SCULLY uncertain, paralyzed -- when she hears a FAINT VOICE over the mechanical din. MECHANICAL VOICE: Thirty-third floor. SCULLY looks up: HER POV - The bottom of the elevator car descends as if from the ether itself. MECHANICAL VOICE: Thirty-second floor. SCULLY starts climbing quickly downward, chased by the fast-falling elevator, its voice growing louder and louder. MECHANICAL VOICE: Thirty-first floor. She has four more rungs to the elevator doors, but: THE ELEVATOR CAR falls relentlessly, almost upon her. MECHANICAL VOICE: Thirtieth floor. SCULLY swings downward... MECHANICAL VOICE: Twenty-ninth floor. She drops into the shallow elevator door alcove, pressing herself against the doors -- just as the elevator car WHOOSHES past her, missing her by inches. On SCULLY, breathing hard closing her eyes in relief.|
At the time you're reading this the first five episodes of the X-Files are in the can and yet we fans must wait out another long month before The Blessed One will grace our screen, hopefully in that same fabulous outfit she left it in last spring. In the meantime episode 7X05 now has a title ("Millennium") - gee wonder what that one will be about. I can imagine that writers' meeting - "Hey, I know, let's do a tie-in to a poorly rated canceled series - that will be sure to bring the viewers in!" The surprise is that Chris Carter was not a part of it as it was penned by the team of Gilligan and Spotnitz. I guess this is the X-Files version of a Year 2K bug. Either that or we can have an exciting moment when Lance Henriksen recognizes the tattoo on Scully's back as his screen saver and decides she would be a perfect candidate for "the Group."
On September 18th Gillian participated in a seven hour benefit for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA). Highlights of the event, along with Gillian presenting an award with Ellen DeGeneres and Anne Heche can be seen on a VH1 special airing October 16th. Try not to be frightened by Gillian Anderson and Pamela Anderson appearing on the same stage if at all possible. Good luck.
Gillian can also be seen on a 90 minute special airing on TNT October 17th, "Hollywood Salutes Jodie Foster: An American Cinematheque Tribute." This charity salute to Jodie Foster's career is co-chaired by Anderson and will tape Oct. 9 at the Beverly Hilton. If you've got $400 to spare you can purchase tickets to attend. Or you can watch it on cable. You make the call.
Look for Gillian to repeat last year's London appearance in "The Vagina Monologues" on February 16th in Los Angeles. This charity benefit aimed at halting violence towards women also stars Ellen Degeneres, Anne Heche, Gina Gershon, Melissa Etheridge, Kathy Najimy, Calista Flockhart, and Winona Ryder among others.
Sister Elinor on Becoming an OBSSE Member
When/if I grow up, I want to be TBO. I
want to be a highly intelligent,
Sister Kim on "Detour"
Not only have I always admired Scully for the wonderful, powerful, self-assured and intelligent woman that she is - I also feel like I have a special connection because of my former job. I used to be the person who sold the FBI its ammunition. Never did I feel closer to Scully than during the Conversation in the Forest when she was wiggling the bullet out of its casing. I gained a whole new respect for her - a mere mortal could never do such a thing, but our Scully managed it with nothing more than the power of her delicate looking fingers. If it had been anyone else, I would have been upset that they made our product look sub-standard. Since it was The Sainted One, I could only look on with pride.
Sister Laura's Manifesto
I have been an ardent Scullyist from the moment I saw my first episode. My sole desire in life is to BE Scully, despite the enormous obstacles in my path (i.e., I'm 5'7", don't understand the first thing about Einstein's twin paradoxes, and am not possessed of either ravishing beauty or a dazzling intellect). But I try, and with the help of wonderful and dedicated sibliren, all of whom are far more worthy than I, I'm sure that someday I will attain my goal AND RULE THE WORLD! End of manifesto.
Sister Bryn's Ode to Fashion
The auburn-tressed glory
The red suit, the red suit
The forceful kick she lets loose
Ah, nothing, nothing can compare
|The X-Files is owned by FOX. No copyright infringement is intended. The OBSSE and News for the OBSSEsed are intended for entertainment purposes only. In other words, it's a joke folks. Thanks to all who contributed this month. All articles and columns appearing in News for the OBSSEsed are copyrighted to the authors.|