Issue No. 29, November 1999
November.  A month of Thanksgiving.  Here at the Abbey we have so much to be thankful for.  We've got the X-Files... we've got ourselves... and we have St. Scully.  More importantly, we have a season premiere next week to look forward to. Granted, it will be a long six days, but to start the month out right we've got a terrific issue for your reading pleasure:  Sister Liz brings a little "culture" to the Abbey, Sister Reade sits The Blessed One down for a much-needed heart-to-heart, Sister Special Pants turns in a special report from a recent espionage mission, and Brother Colin and Sister Gen share the highlights of the Montreal Mini-Fest.  Also, if you think you've got problems waiting - Fialka reminds us that in Germany, they're waiting for Season 6 to begin. 

Our regular columnists do it all for you again:  for those of you who occasionally wonder if you're about to turn into a lizard (and you know who you are), Sister Lens explains a simple DNA  test to allay your deepest worries. Your burning questions are answered by Ask Autumn in the tactful, nurturing manner we've all come to expect, and Sister Squat, knowing full well that there's nothing worse than being empty-handed in a perfectly pervable moment, covers glossary basics.  And that's just for starters - there's so much more.

Hope you enjoy the beginning of the season.  Be sure to join us next month for a special holiday issue!

Paula R
Autumn Tysko

D E S I G N   &   G R A P H I C S

C O N T R I B U T O R S   t o  No. 2 9
Sister Reade
Sister Liz
Sister Clare (Special Pants)
Nancy FF
Sister Lens-of-Science
Kara Zod
Sister Squat
Jennifer Oksana
Sister Adrianne
Brother Colin
Sister Gen

Thanks to Haven  and GAWS for image assistance

News for the OBSSEsed is a monthly publication of The Order of the Blessed St. Scully the Enigmatic
by Sister Autumn

All I can say is Thank Scully the wait is finally coming to an end and the final season of the X-Files is upon us. It's been a busy summer for the Abbey, but I know we are all looking forward to enjoying another year of The Blessed One gracing our screens. Oh, and that other guy too. Have a great premiere everyone!

OBSSE Patron Saints

As I mentioned last month some folks have chipped in to support the OBSSE website. Among the more interesting things I received this month (besides the contribution from Chaney, Texas) was a five cent bill towards any purchase at Canadian Tires. Seriously though, for all who sent a buck (or in some very generous cases more), I thank you all. More of our patron saints our listed with their Abbey bricks to the right.

World Domination

The OBSSE continues to grow at an amazing rate even in the off season. We're currently admitting at a rate of about 15 new Brothers and Sisters a week. In the last month the website has been visited by over 45 different countries as well. I'm a little afraid of what might happen once the season starts, especially if Scully is once again sporting fabulous hair. 

OBSSE Mailing list turns 2!

Happy birthday to us! On October 28th the OBSSE mailing list celebrated it's 2nd birthday. If you wish to join this list of over 500 Scully fans, please first read the rules and FAQ found at Colin's Official OBSSE Information Site and then visit the Abbey Communications Center for information on joining the list.

OBSSE Mentioned at NF, Inc. Benefit

Monica who ran our Virginia OBSSE Marathon had the opportunity to attend a special NF, Inc. benefit this past month and reported back that not only did we have a thank you ad that we ran in the program, but we got a special thanks for our Marathon from the National President, Brenda
Duffy. Hopefully we'll be able to pry Monica away from delivering babies long enough to give us the inside scoop in a future newsletter.

Abbey Additions

I'm proud to say the Abbey website just keeps growing and growing. We are hard at work putting the finishing touches on some very special rooms... like my office... so, be sure and check back this month for new additions. In the mean time we've provided a handy search engine that will help you find any information you need from the main site, the information site, the episode guide, my reviews, and the marathon site. Enjoy!

OBSSE Patron Saints
Esther M.
Michele aka Griot
Lucius Hartwell (Ha Ha)
Anonymous from Australia
Brother Scott
Sister Beer
Sister Phledge
Sister Blink
Sis Meagham47

  by Fialka

'Twas the night before Premiere 
And all through the land 
We're anxiously waiting 
To see what is planned 
Videos are piled by the TV with care 
In hopes that Saint Scully 
Soon will be here... 

Yes, I can hear the protest welling across North America. The night before Premiere? No, you cry, another six days must pass. Another Sunday of tiresome reruns, desperate searching of Gossamer and Ephemeral for stories of Our Heroes to quench the thirst of the endless summer drought. The Abbey echoes with the cries of the Philically deprived, frantically filking to fill the emptiness. Parched, aching, desperate throats wail forth their agony. 

Ah, but here in Germany, the season has begun. 

Well. Season 6, that is. 

To be a phile in Europe is to be terminally deprived of the joys of the neener. It is more than just the perversity of actually getting up at 4 a.m. to join the occasional chat. It is the deep sorrow of the day following Milagro, watching sadly as that little spoiler filter files away all but two of the 106 messages you just downloaded from Obsse. It is the bulging mail folders full of spoilers that will go on being spoilers - even with the help of wonderful friends sending sustenance across the Atlantic - for weeks while the tape fills up, after which the Lexington Post Office lets it gather dust for a month. It is salivating along with North America, and then, weeks after everyone has talked it to death and moved onward, still salivating - alone. 

Those who are privileged enough to have access to cable may cut their waiting time to six months, but still, wait they must. However, for those of us lucky enough to have friends supplying us with the current season in the right calendar year, the night before Premiere is about as exciting as ... well, as the night before re-runs. Something like that Christmas Eve when you not only shook all the packages after Mom and Dad were asleep, but undid all the ends, looked inside, then taped everything back up. Exciting at the time, but the next morning becomes something of a fnnh.

And now the day has arrived. The Beginning is, well, it's The Beginning and enough said about that. The little surprise we got was the bonus airing of Inside the X-Files just afterward. Germany's mouth collectively drops at hearing the actor's real voices for the first time, six years on. Probably saying, as my German co-son said the first time he saw XF in English,
"They're so whiny. It's horrible. Turn it off." (He is recovering nicely, thank you and I've promised not to whack him over the head with empty video boxes anymore. Okay, maybe I threw it at him. Kind of hard. From across the room. But it was cardboard. Really. And he's a teenager, so his head is as hard as a rock.)

Now watching Inside in German was fun. For once I felt not alone in my philedom, knowing Glasses was across the country, also falling out of her chair screaming "MEMento Mori! MEMento Mori!" every time the titlecard "Momento Mori" appeared. Like me, I'm sure she was also screaming "That's not what she says!" when Pilot!Scully, wistfully draped across
Mulder's bed, asked, "Why won't you trust me?" (How hard was it to translate "You've got to trust me?" Sie müssen mir vertrauen. See? Even I can do it.) And I know Glasses shared my cry of despair when the bloopers appeared and they had not only overdubbed the dialogue
(thus giving it all the spontaneity of a graduation speech), they had even overdubbed Gillian's glorious laugh! 

But watching XF in another language has its educational moments too. You'd be surprised how much better my German has become. I mean evidence (Beweis), colonize (ansiedeln), aliens (Ausserirdische, literally out-of-earth-people), conspiracy (Verschwörung) ... these are words I
really needed. "I am in Germany collecting evidence of an alien conspiracy to colonize the planet," is quite useful in getting out of sticky situations, such as dissuading the nice Bavarian grandmother who wants you to tell her your whole American life story, when all you want is a little peace on the train home from Köln. Believe me, it works far better than "I'm a foreigner, I don't understand a word you're saying." That will only get you her life story.

We don't get the "The Truth Is Out There" tag in the foreign language versions of XF - which is probably just as well, since there appears to be some argument between 1013's "official" translation and the actual German. Instead we get the episode title, a nice amusing little giftie
for the, focused. German episode titles are often quite dull - Nisei becomes The Autopsy, Erlenmeyer Flask becomes The Laboratory - though occasionally they are more apt than the original. Zero Sum for instance, becomes Pact With the Devil. I'm assuming this has to do with many of the titles having cultural references that don't translate (And whoever just shouted Talitha Cumi please return quietly to your seat. Names are being taken.) 

And while we're on the subject of the Devil - or Cancerman as he's familiarly known to English speakers - in Germany he's generally referred to by Mulder as Cancer Candidate. On Inside however, he suddenly becomes The Full of Secrets Smoker (Der Geheimnisvolle Raucher). Scary is the fact that Cancerman actually seems right speaking German - which cannot be said for any other character, most notably our dear Saint. Imagine, if you will, Marlene Dietrich coming out of Pilot!Scully's innocent little mouth. Imagine the amusement of Scully desperately reaching to remember how to say "Ich habe keine unruhe" - in perfect High
German. And did she sing "Freude für die Welt?" Only Glasses knows for sure - I missed Detour when they showed it here. 

So, while I am thinking of all of you North Americans, still frantically pawing through your videotapes to stave off that late summer sense of starvation, watching Bad Blood and Pusher (except for La.. who is wearing out yet anothercopy of Never Again - mouthing all the lines and hoping that this time if she wishes REALLY hard they really WILL do it), think of me and dear Sister Glasses, dividing Germany between us, spreading the gospel of Saint Scully into the land of Akte X. Yes, we do it all for you. 

Actually, I must confess that I'm not alone here tonight, taking my little notes. I'm with my co-son, who has learned to ask several pertinent questions while watching the X-Files, especially when watching an ep in English (which he's going to do as soon as this is over whether he wants to go to sleep or not). These include such key phrases such as: Will it be
gross? (Yep.) Is he toast? (Generally.) and Why did Mulder just put his hand in that? Is he stupid or what? (Gotta love the kid, huh?) 

Speaking of toast, maybe I'll dig out my copy of One Son and some marshmallows. Conspiracy bonfire, whoopie! 

Nah. There's no need for punishment. The wait for November and the Lexington Post Office will be punishment enough. 

Live from Netzschkau - Fi

Happy Premiere to all, and to all a good night!

First there was Sir Walter Raleigh's
"The Nymph's Reply to the Shepherd,"
then there was...

The Spoiler Slut's Reply
to the BASV*
by Jennifer

If all the eps in X were ruint
And pain found I in spoilerdom,
These many reasons might me move
To give up spoilers and join BASV'dom.

Autumn fills the ears with from A to Z
When Carter rages and Boris grows cold,
And other sources becometh dumb;
Praise indeed for the Demure One.

The eps do air, and you know what?
To wayward ears spoilers yield;
A honey tongue, a heart of gall,
Is what the BASV predict-- PSHAW.

Thy airs, thy boasts, thy bed of roses,
Thy snips, thy cries, and thy poses
Soon break, soon wither, soon forgotten--
In folly ripe, in reason rotten.

Thy martyred face and whiny posts,
Thy words of doom and loudest sulks,
All these in me no means can move
To give up spoilers and join BASV'dom.

But could spoilers harm and wreck my day,
Had I not principles the other way
Then these delights my mind might move
To give up spoilers and join BASV'dom.

* * *

*Born Again Spoiler Virgins


 By Nancy FF

This was my reaction on May 10 of this year as I drove back to my office with four cardboard shipping cartons containing 220 Scully Marathon 1999 T-shirts in the back of my van.  My second reaction was something like, "what the nonmovieword did I just get myself into?"

It all started out with such wide-eyed innocence.  April had rolled around and Sister La.. was busting her holy hump getting the Marathon (to benefit Gillian Anderson's chosen charity Neurofibromatosis Inc.) together and I volunteered to help, only to be asked in a suitably conspiratorial tone, "so what do you know about T-shirts?"  Figuring I had worn enough T-shirts in my time, I dove in.  At this point I could probably tell you about clandestine meetings in smoky dives with Hanes representatives, my once-youthful-and-supple body bartered for cheaper rates on silk-screening, and therapy to overcome post-traumatic stress from dealing with this-close-to-snapping postal representatives, but I demur.  No, not demure.  I think we all know better than that.

On May 11, I stood in line at the post office to mail 131 T-shirts, literally to all parts of the globe.  Did you know that you can't use the USPS Global Priority service in Zagreb, Croatia?  I do now.  Shirts were shipped to Marathoners in 36 of the 50 United States and the District of Columbia, five Canadian provinces, and seven other countries, on three different continents.  To sum up, we sold and shipped a total of 242 T-shirts, and most importantly, sent a total of $2,414 to NF Inc. in the name of Gillian Anderson from the sale of Marathon T-shirts alone.  Wow.

I would like to thank Sister La.. for her tireless dedication to this cause as well as her snappy T-shirt design; Kathy G for her inspiration and organization; Kevin and Patrick of Eat More Tees in Columbia, SC; the men and women of the United States Postal Service; and most particularly, every one of you who took the time to write a check to benefit the victims of this disorder, a cause near and dear to our Earthly Incarnation's heart.  And to each of you reading this, wherever you may be in our sweet old world, keep watch.  You might just see a Scully Marathon shirt.




Greetings, everyone!

Ok, I know I told you we'd discuss tracheotomy this month, and I really,
really intended to do just that, but, I didn't.  I blame it on PANSPERMIA,

This month's concept is from the season 5 episode Redux:


You remember the scene: Scully needs to figure out whether the stuff in her veins and the alien matrix are the same substance.  She does this nifty test and ends up with a cool-looking Chutes and Ladders graphic, which supposedly proves a match.  Most* of us were watching, thinking "I don't know what that is, but hey, COOL."

(*The rest of us were frivolously thinking, "Where can I get a scrub suit
like that one?")

The SOUTHERN BLOT was named after M.E. Southern, a 20th century British biologist.  Similar tests, developed later, were named in Southern's
honor... well, sort of anyway.  We now have a Western Blot, and a Northern Blot... you get the idea.  This system of nomenclature, of course, leaves open the possibility of other, less-well-known analyses:  the Slightly East of Southeast Blot, for example.  Perhaps one day we'll be running a Pacific Northwest blot, or a Just A Couple Of Degrees Off True South Blot,  or the Blot That Can't Navigate It's Way Out Of A Paper Bag, or, of course, the
eponymously-named Blot That Really Should Have Stayed On The East Coast, But Got A Wild Hair When It Was In College And Ended Up In A Commune In Berkeley, And Isn't That A Waste After All That Expensive Education?

Anyway, very simply, a SOUTHERN BLOT  is a process used to move DNA segments from a gel solution to a filter sheet.  In this simplified cartoon, two different single-strands of human DNA are bound to a membrane.   In this example, sample A is from, say, Scully, and sample B is from someone who has never, ever, not even once, been in contact with either a) a frozen alien, b) any kind of black oil, or c) the city of Vancouver.

The membrane is incubated with a solution containing another single stranded DNA (say, from a transgenic bee or an alien chimeric life form, or a middle aged surfer or something.  For example.) 

A wash step removes any segments not tightly bound to the DNA on the
membrane.  Only DNA that matches exactly  (say, for example, the non-human DNA with which one was injected during one's three-month long alien abduction, just to mention a common situation) will remain bound.

What remains is a single bound strand of DNA, which clearly indicates that one is, unfortunately about to turn into a giant lizard.  Or lose an arm. Actually, come to think of it, we're not sure what this means, exactly.  But
we have just done an extremely precise test to prove it.

So there you have it.  The SOUTHERN BLOT.  Use it for all those times when you absolutely have to have definitive proof of... something.

for a slide show with which to better illustrate.
Poll: Famous Last Words?
You Make the Call - or Write the Caption

Your challenge, if you choose to accept it, is to write a caption for the photo below.  To make it more interesting, however, and to prove that we're all expanding our Scullyistic vocabulary, you must include the term PANSPERMIA or SOUTHERN BLOT in your caption.

Are you an OBSSE Member? YesNo

Here's my caption:

Karatoon by Kara Zod

"I've got holiday cheer to spread."

                                                  by Liz

[CHICAGO, November 1]  Previews of an upcoming exhibit have brought art lovers, historians and media pundits alike together for spirited discussion.  The exhibit, co-sponsored by the Art Institute of Chicago and the Museum of Broadcast Communications, is entitled "Trust No Artist: The X-Files in Fine Art."

While the general public holds that The X-Files is a fairly recent media phenomenon, careful research has shown that, in fact, "some series-related art dates back over one hundred years," says Dr. Alexei Raskolnikov, the exhibit's curator.

"We have yet to explain the exact nature of the phenomenon," Dr. Raskolnikov states.  "But I have no doubt that once the data is analyzed, a rational explanation will be found.  This is no mere coincidence.  The works have been authenticated by the top minds in the field." 

The surprising exhibit consists of over fifty works by some of the best artists of the last 150 years.  "The range of styles is fantastic.  And the media--from black velvet to video--it's extraordinary," Dr. Raskolnikov says. 

From kitschy to clever, romantic to realistic, there's something to suit any taste.  "Winner Takes All," by Aurelius Cassius Smith, is oil on velvet and in the tradition of outsider art.  This piece, from the mid 1960s, is a playful, greeting-card style fantasy that's especially popular with both the younger and the technologically savvy visitors to the exhibit.

A charming piece by Chicago Imagist artist Ted Paczki, 1987's "The Badge" is about vision and media, pure and simple.  The artist delights in an abundance of color, with sly nods to computer technology and video forms.  "Men tend to spend a lot of time at this piece," Dr. Raskolnikov says.  "And nuns.  There seem to be an unusual number of the religious at the gallery these days.  We're not sure why."

A blank spot on one wall of the gallery has become one of the most celebrated aspects of the show.  "It's a real-life X-File," states Dr. Raskolnikov.  "Frankly, we are baffled by the incident."  Simply entitled "Skinner," this extraordinary 1995 photograph was to be a highlight of the exhibit.  However, an unknown woman claiming to represent the Canadian government appeared at the museum and presented what seemed to be an actual warrant, demanding the photo be returned to its rightful home country immediately.  Muttering something about "next to the pool," she fled the scene with the print.  The papers eventually proved to be clever forgeries.  An investigation is ongoing.

Perhaps the biggest historical mystery is 1857's "The Blessed One," by Rossetti Gabriel Dante, one of the Pre-Raphaelite Brotherhood.  This school of painters strove to find a certain truth and beauty they found lacking in the art of the time, including a sensuousness of form and a moody atmosphere, says Dr. Raskolnikov.  "Of course, we are still trying to explain the subject matter.  I've seen people almost come to blows over the dating.  It's fascinating."

Perhaps the most well-known piece in the gallery is the 1969 Pop Art masterpiece "Four Foxes (Man Pain)" by Annie Warhol.  "The artist has admirably captured, I believe, the essence of what it means to be a man," Dr. Raskolnikov says.  "Note the subject's expression.  The use of color
suggests the depths of the man's angst, his moodiness and general likelihood to leave behind common sense and to pursue his own interests, no matter the costs.  A brilliant work."

But, when asked to choose a favorite work, Dr. Raskolnikov settles immediately on a French postcard illustration from the late nineteenth century.  "'Ste. Dana d'Arc' aptly displays so many of the characteristics we have come to know and love about this particular character in 'The X-Files,'" he says.  "The light of God raining down upon her saintly visage, her uplifted sword of science, her steel armor and her beautiful face--I know this is a piece I will not forget."
The exhibit runs in previews through November 7, when it opens to the public.  Admission is free.


"What the hell is PANSPERMIA?"
--Dean Haglund

[Editor's Note: the newsletter staff was atingle with pride when they heard that Lensie's very first "scary scientific word du mois" was embraced so enthusiastically by Abbey members.  Some sisters were even compelled to spread the good word (so to speak) to the secular world, specifically to Dean Haglund at his one man comedy act at the Zephyr Theatre in Los Angeles.  Sister Adrianne tells the tale below....]

"My Spicy little sister and I arrived at the theater before everyone, so we parked ourselves by the doors so that we could grab the best seats. It worked, and thus the front row was chock full 'o nuns. At the beginning of the show, Dean passed around little slips of paper on which members of the audience were asked to write a sentence. Naturally, most of the slips of paper went to the OBSSE faction in the front rows. On a dare, not that it takes much, I wrote: "I wish I knew more about PANSPERMIA." I felt that the word needed to be spoken aloud for all to hear.

Dean improvised an X-Files episode in which a mutated rhino-aardvark- rabbit is on the loose and killing fairly useless, IMHO, members of society. A scientist (arms supplied by  Abbey member JenSPI) tries to figure out what is going on, but he can't. Eventually, there is a scene in which Dean, as Langly, confronts some guy from the audience who was supposed to be playing the part of Mulder (poorly, I might add). Dean begins picking up the scraps of paper, which he had previously tossed on the floor, and the sentences become part of the dialogue. Imagine my delight when he finally picked up my little note. First, he misread the word, believing it to read Pan-sperm- one-A. Then, he got it right. We nuns were laughing ourselves to tears. "Langly" then shouts, "What the Hell is  PANSPERMIA?" and goes on to accuse "Mulder" of using PANSPERMIA and Krispy Kreme Donuts (thanks to her Homework Highness, Sister Lauren) to create a race of killer mutant rhino-aardvark- rabbits. The whole thing culminated in an hilarious scene in which our SpicedRum got to manipulate Dean's uncooperative limbs. Oh, and Rum was handing out Tic-tacs, which Dean mentioned.

It was a night of Spam, and the audience was none the wiser."


To send in your burning question just email me at Ask Sister Autumn.

Sister Aly has created a new website called "Ask Dr. Scully." Although still under construction, it promises to be an invaluable resource.

link to Ask Dr. Scully

Dear Sister Autumn the Demure, whose ass I get to kiss for the first
time ("and there was much rejoicing"),

Ever since I have realized I was a Scullyist and gave up my title as Shipper Queen, every show I watch or thing I do when not watching the Sainted One has to do with a redhead.  I watch the show "Will and Grace" (yes, it's on NBC, you can smack me later), Grace is a redhead.  I listen to my Tori Amos CDs (because I don't have three hours to listen to the Ground Zero audio book), she is a redhead.  Is my faith so strong I am drawn to anything redhead-related?  Or do I just need to take my medication and get some sleep? 

P.S. That OUSFH thing frightened me.  All that Fowley praise... even though it wasn't real...<<shudder>> 

~Sister Jessica 


I'm not quite sure why I would smack you for watching "Will and Grace," it's not like you said you live for "Suddenly Susan" or can't get enough of "Jesse." While I don't quite understand the all consuming need to be a "cornflake girl" I suppose I can even look past the Tori Amos thing as well. Are you sure these preferences really have anything to do with redheads? I think you may be reaching here. It's not like you told me that you stay up all night watching "I Love Lucy" reruns because you know Lucy's hair is red even in black and white or that you've developed a strange crush on hair-netted lunch ladies everywhere because they too wear latex gloves. Oh, and if you want to listen to something try Exit to Eden. You'll find the three hours.

Dear Sister Autumn, She Whose Righteousness Exalteth The Blessed One In A Very Perfect And Scientific Manner,

I am a recent addition to the Abbey, having just been accepted today. I was so happy, and I contemplated taking a holy bubble bath of bliss, when it hit me. Even though I try to emulate all that is Scully by being scientific and strong, yet demure, I realize now that I am terribly wrong- ...well, wrong-everythinged!!!

I exceed The Blessed One's Holy Height by 5 inches, my hair is dark brown, my eyes are greenish, my skin is not milky-white, and I do not have the Saintly and Demure Petite-ishness of the Shapely One Herself! When I asked a friend for help, she said that I was incurably... Mulder-ish in appearance. My little heart was devastated, How can I be in every way like Saint Scully if I resemble the Punkish one???

Am I doomed to forever suffer this cruel and unusual fate? Or is there a
cure? Can I still achieve All That Is The Blessed One? Please help me Sister Autumn!

In The Name Of All That Is Right And Good And Saint Scully,

Sister Jennifer

There are worse things in life than resembling Mulder. Unless you got his nose as well. If looks were everything there would be no Order after the Unfortunate Beige Period combined with the I've Got Three Curling Irons And I'm Not Afraid To Use Them Period of season 2. I'd venture to guess that the majority of women in the Order in no way, shape or form resemble Scully (and hopefully the men don't either). It could be worse. You could look like Fowley.

link to SETI@home
Oh Wise Sister Who Demurely Wields a Smelly - But Peculiarly Effective - Discipline Tool,

I approach the alter of your wisdom in a state of anguished fear and trembling.  Also with trepidation and a fair dash of masochism, but what the heck.  Dearest Sister Autumn, on a recent viewing of Memento Mori, that most sacred (though viciously maligned by certain misguided Abbey members) episode, I was astonished to discover that we know the very date on which TBO's Holy Ova were harvested.  It was in the year of Our Saint 1994, on the day of October 29.

This news hit me with a force which I can only imagine to be greater than that of the most vigorous trout-slap.  You see, oh Wise One, October 29 is my very own birthday.  As such, it is a day which I have been used to spending in celebration and revelry.  But now I find that I have been enjoying myself on the anniversary of the very day on which Our Glorious Lady of the Shining Red Tresses had the ability to pass on Her genetic perfection to future little uber-Scullies ripped cruelly from Her!

My question is this: is it wrong to celebrate on the anniversary of such a dark day?  Must I wear sackcloth and ashes (by Armani, of course) to show my love for TBO and sympathy for Her pain?  Or is it enough to pause for a moment of silence before digging into the cake?

Yours in Deep Spiritual Agitation,

Sister Naomi

Oh Naomi,

Damn. That is a crisis. What to do. What to do. You see, as a person who very much enjoys a birthday celebration this is a tough question. The best answer I can come up is a good old Scully-like denial. Let's make up an SRE, shall we? I mean, after all this is 1013. It's not like they get dates right. Hell, they switched the date of Samantha's birthday AND her middle initial. They can't even remember how long Scully was gone or when she got her cross. Naomi, you just tell yourself they got it wrong. I mean October 29th? Why in the world would Chris "1013" Carter put such an important date in an episode that did not relate to him. It's just not his style. I think he meant her ova were harvested on, um, say, October 13th and the props people who are closet Barbra Streisand fans just got tired of making everything have that date or time so they decided to use "Funny Girl" Fanny Brice's birthday instead. See, so instead of thinking your birthday is a curse, you should remember that people that need people are the luckiest people in the world. Or something like that.

Sister Autumn,

I am new to the Order, and I am curious.  Is our Blessed Saint Scully the
patron Saint of one specific area?  Her Holiness transcends our mere mortal ideas of the universe, but it would make this new sister's life in the order easier to know when to pray to the Enigmatic One.

In Her Name,
Sister Nikki.
Newbie Nikki,

4:23AM. Every day. Forever.

Dear Sister Autumn,

Recently Sister Kirby accepted a job coaching basketball.  Does this make her a Mulderist?


P.S.  If you listen at her door at night, you can hear her talking about teaching Girl Kids about the Pain of being a Kirby.  FYI.

If I didn't know you better I'd almost think you were being a tattletale. Basketball though? Wow. I have to admit it's borderline trouble. Let's keep a close eye on her for the other signs. We may have to stage an intervention if she calls anyone a "home girl" or starts drinking the orange juice right out of the container from the living room fridge.

Dear Autumn, whose wisdom and humor are a ray of light in the dark, impenetrable forest of Scullyless summers,

I write to you now with a question that concerns me deeply. After two years of the admonition that "we are a marching band, not a prancing band!" a new director has appeared on the scene. While judgments on her personality have no place here, she does have one major flaw: She encourages, nay, requires, us to prance onto the football field. I saw immediately the fundamental evils of this, but I am required to obey her or be trampled by the prancers behind me, and the director is not terribly open to suggestions. Perhaps this alone could be forgiven, but on top of it is the fact that one's head after removing a band hat is the true definition of wrong-hair.

I plead with you, O Demure One, to consider my case. In extenuating circumstances such as this, can a dispensation be extended for wrong-haired pranciness?

the princess with claws

The OBSSE mailing list just finished voting for the illustrious episodes that will make up this year's Scully Marathon, and the not so illustrious episodes that will make up the first ever Fowlathon. 

As you can imagine, the competition was fierce in both categories and list members pulled out all the stops to get their favorite and least favorite episodes voted in.  There was propaganda, there was mudslinging, there was pandering... and there were bumper stickers :

The results will be announced very soon so be sure to drop by the Abbey Screening Room and check out this year's winners.



Oh and watch out the real Princess has claws too.

To the infinitely wise, incredibly Demure One, whose radiant Pepsodent smile has been a beacon of hope as I have been anxiously awaiting the beginning of the final season of the Blessed One's life of first run episodes and hoping for an episode that will finally show the kaleidoscopic range of her emotions and will, of course, once again bring her all the awards, I beseech your advice on the horror that has infiltrated my life:

As you and the Abbey are aware, Sister Cory and I have established residence in the aptly named borough of Queens (aptly named for me, not for Sister Cory, mind you).  However, as I was unpacking from my move from the land of the Jersey Devil, I decided to differ the clothing arrangement in my bureau to allow more room for my spring time apparel which is no longer needed for this time of year.  In doing so, I can to a shocking realization that sent me running to seek your divine guidance: 

Like the hooterlicious.... I mean dreaded nonmoviewording Agent whose name I dare not speak, I, too, now have 2 drawers of undergarments.  Thankfully, mine are not of the frilly, lacey variety, but I now have a drawer of boxers and a drawer of briefs.  Is this a sign that I should go back to the way things were before with all of my underwear together instead of segregated by style or a sign of how the nonmoviewording Agent has had an evil effect on me and my inability to control myself next to a Calvin Klein rack of grey, white, or black cotton boxers, briefs, boxer briefs, Italian cutaways, bikinis, sport boxers,... well, I could go on for a while but I won't... please, please please, as always, you divine guidance has helped me in the past: I no longer fantasize about Ratboy, Carmen McRae music and whipped cream together in one scene... please please help....

Consulting the Feng Shui while I await your response,

The ever penitent and incredibly shocked Brother Hannibal


A Season Premiere Ode To Undergarmets

By Scully's Bra with a Nod to the Barenaked Ladies

It's been six months since you looked at me
Pulled your chair to the screen
And said "How pretty"
Four months since you wondered and pondered
"Why does she wear it, beneath silk jammies?"
Few weeks since that Padgett's place
I wonder if it's all my fault, but no one tells me
Saturday you all deserted me
For that Playtex disaster of Diana Fowley.

How can I help her when you think it's funny
that she's flat
That's so far from the truth, folks, I'm real sad
I've got bigger cups than those of Diana's
Can't you just believe what you saw
Well, you soon will
I have a tendency to up-lift and separate
And I'll be there for her when she takes off that

Brother Hannibal,

First of all we now have way, way too much information about the contents of your underwear drawers.  Second, how one can fill two drawers with such things when you don't even need to store bras, hosiery, camisoles, or slips (and please, please do not correct me if I am wrong about that) is beyond me. So, taking all that into account you are actually WORSE than you know who in this department. If I were you I'd do whatever it takes to get your undergarments under control and your drawers in one drawer.

Dear Sister Autumn, whose namesake brings forth Salvation from sweltering summer temperatures and New Televised Adventures of The Blessed One considering it is still weeks away,

Hello. It's Brother RJ again with another personal question concerning my quest to Total Oneness with The Blessed One... which I'm sure you'll  answer with your usual enthusiasm and Scully-granted Wisdom.

And no, it has nothing to do with that silly David Duchovny song by Bree Sharp, which I do NOT, repeat, Do NOT sing around the Abbey. I instead sing my version entitled "DANA K. SCULLY (why don't you love me?)" and that's when I'm not converting any and all other golden oldies into more Scullyrific versions. Anyone coming to the OBSSE Lounge on Karaoke Night knows that.

Anyway, this is my personal problem: I'm quite well known across the cyberverse as "That Goofy Guy who writes the Funny X-Files lists and Funny Fan Fiction."  And of course, I always put The Blessed One in the Highest of Lights in my fiction. Scully is always the heroine, always solves the case, gets the most action, and is always there with a cool counter-punch to the overtly sexist comments of He Who is the Ditching Punk. Anyone who's read "Boo-ray for Hollywood," "Mixed Nutz" (which got me comparisons to Saga Sage Darin Morgan!), "A Dying Angel" (which smashed the "Scully Dies of Cancer" genre) and my Grand XF Comedic Epic of all time "The Titanic Files" will attest to this.

BUT (getting to said problem), after completing my most recent work, a scathing parody of a hit summer movie called "The Blair Witch Files," I received a good natured comment by one of my most Loyal of Readers that shook me to my Innermost Scully-loving Core. They jokingly thought the series of Mulder-caused Camping Misfortunes Plaguing The Fearless Forensic Female Fed throughout the story was ...... gasp.....


Oh Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!! 

I have to say I NEVER have before considered putting the Courageous Crimson-Haired Crime-Fighter though anything that could be considered "torture" (unless you count the 3+ hours of "Titanic"). And even though this short-sighted and obviously Mulderist reader was probably trying to be cute, I instantly went back and reexamined my work. And there, in an attempt to garner cheap slapstick laughs, I had used the Oh, so Dearest, Sweetest, & Most Skeptical Scully as a comic foil for the Bumbling and Over-enthused Punk! What have I done? And the kicker is that "The Blair Witch Files" is garnering more rave reviews and more requests then any of my other ScullyCentric Tales! I mean, "The Titanic Files" never got even a mention in your FanFic reviews and you are the Final Word in Scullycentric story-telling!

And it gets worse! My last two Top20 Lists were ....gasp ...solely about David Duchovny leaving the Televised Saga! And my new comedy epic "Beach Blanket Betelgeuse" has been superseded by a dreadfully serious Mulder-only story with poor Scully stuck in a near cameo role that only took a week to write! And the beta version of this tale is being hailed as my "Best Work Ever!" But for a Mulder story? What have I done?!?!?!? Where have I Done Wrong?!?!?!?!?!? What do I do now?!?!?!?!

My question is this - what do I have to do in order to get back my writing back to being more ScullyCentric and therefore more Scullyrific? Being the greatest Critic and Reviewer of Scully Fic makes You, Sister Autumn, the obvious choice to ask. 

At the end of my word processor,

Brother RJ

What a surprise to see a really long letter from you with lots of exclamation points in my box. Who woulda thunk it?

Now listen carefully, because I am going to tell you how to make your writing more Scullycentric, and it is a grand secret of the fanfic community. In fact this is sort of on par with that Magician's Secrets thing that Mitch Pileggi was always hosting. I'm going to do this without a mask even though my life may be in jeopardy.

Here it is: write about Scully in a realistic fashion.

Shhh. Don't tell anyone else.

buy the book at

Have you ever wondered about how accurate the science is in The X-Files? Well here's your chance to ask an expert (besides our very own Sister Lens-of-Science). XFU is sponsoring a forum with Dr. Anne Simon, author of the book "The Real Science Behind The X-Files". Head over there to get all the details about how you can participate and maybe even win an autographed copy of the book

link to XFU