Dear Special Agent Dana Scully,

You don't know me but I've been a fan of yours for a number of years.  I've been watching.. er following your career with interest as you continue your work with Agent Mulder.  I'm very impressed that you haven't had more than words with the man and find it comforting that although you carry a service revolver, you've avoided using it on him.  Well... most of the time.

I'm writing to you because I worry.  I worry that you aren't getting out more.  I worry that you don't have any discernible social life.  While there are people out there who believe you and Agent Mulder belong together <shudder>; some of us find ourselves wishing you would just start dating someone.  Ok.  Who am I kidding.  When I say dating its really just a thinly veiled euphemism for sex.  Lots of sex.  Lots and lots of sex.

This isn't to say that I don't want you to meet a nice guy and settle down.  I'm sure it will happen in time.  If you start looking for different qualities in men that is.  My dear, you've surely noticed a pattern in the men you're attracted to.  Ed Jerse?  Cute but not exactly stable.  Phillip Padgett?  He's a stalker darling.  Always (and I mean always) bad news.  Jack Willis?  I'm not even going to ask what that was about.  Lucius Hartwell?  Damn fine, but dating a vampire does have its own set of problems.  And John Kresge.  I could tell you liked him but you never got in contact with him again... oh wait... he didn't have any issues. He was just a cute single guy that you had a great deal in common with.   Please note that I didn't even include Mulder in this list.  If you're attracted to him, I do not want to know about it.

After carefully examining all of the available data about your social life in the last seven years, I have decided to offer you some dating advice and suggestions.  I realize that yes, I've been married for the last 9 years, so I would know nothing of the more recent dating scene.  But at least I'm getting some.

First of all,  where do you go when you are off work?  Have you considered taking up a hobby?  I'm not talking about Ceramics.  Men do not hang out in Ceramics class.  How about Autobody repair?  Woodworking?  Welding for Dummies?  Drawing the Male Figure?  Sure there might not be lots of men in the class but there will be a nude guy modeling!  Even if you don't want to go out with him, getting to see nude men for a good reason is never a bad thing.  Oh, and avoid Monologue Writing.  Bad crowd.

You can even meet men at the grocery store.  You do buy groceries right?  Imagine you reach to buy the last box of Low Fat Toffutti Dreamsicles the same time he does. Your eyes meet.  You look in his cart and see bee pollen and yogurt.  It could be love.  I'd avoid the frozen dinner section.  I suspect that's where men like Mulder hang out.

You could also take a look around your workplace.  Offhand I don't know the actual statistics but I believe that the Bureau has considerably more men than women hanging around.  And I know the men can't all be like Mulder or Colton.  There are the nice guys like Agent Pendrell and the well muscled, handsome, surly, tall hunks of men like Agent Skinner.  Yes, Agent Skinner.  You kissed him once... what would it have hurt... fun was just an emergency stop away.  And the Gunmen, darling.  What about the Gunmen?  I know that Frohike isn't much to look at but he has a heart of gold.  Langly could get you into all of the cool clubs.  Then there is Byers.  Byers.  A man who looks straight-laced but I bet when that tie comes off......

Should all of this advice fail you, I'm not sure what other help I can offer you.  I doubt that your real supervisor will let you have much of a life this year either.  And I'm not referring to your AD or even the Directors.  I guess all I can do is offer you one final piece of advice. If you find yourself increasingly frustrated with your  "situation"  there's this place on line called Good Vibrations.  They deliver to your door and they use plain brown wrappers.  Tell them Reade sent you.

Sincerely Yours,

Reade
OBSSE

KatyBlue

This author is one of those talented few that seems to be able to pull off a first person Scully story by finding just the right voice for our Hero. From her first story, Absence of a Heartbeat, a jarring look at Scully struggling against all odds, she proves herself a must read author. Her latest, Infinitesimal Illumination, is a window into a painful conversation when Mulder and Scully discuss the events that most defined their lives. Katy has even conquered one of fanfic's most dangerous games, the Scullyfic list's improv test. Pass the Potato Chips is an entertaining glimpse of a late night stakeout and conversation sure to give you a chuckle. For the scenes it seemed were missing in Biogenesis, check out Taking Flight.

Gwendolyn

In this last stretch of time before the premiere, Temporary Shelter is a moody and romantic conclusion to Biogenesis. This tale in which Mulder and Scully return to Africa to dig up Scully's discovery explores in part what would happen if Mulder could read Scully's mind. In the good old fashioned smut department Mulder and Scully are trapped in a very tight place in Crawl Space. However, not much crawling is going on. All of Gwendolyn's work can be found at her website.

Vesalius

Have you been waiting all year for the big blow up? The post-One Son knock-down drag-out that should have happened? Well, wait no longer. Sit down, strap in, and enjoy Huit Clos for a little more closure than the show ever manages to deliver. After you've finished that for another take on how Biogenesis might resolve itself try Pythagorean Harmonics, a nicely constructed resolution to the big events with Scully working with the Lone Gunmen to help Mulder and a little bit of romance thrown in for good measure.

Many of you were able to contact your inner Psychic!Scully last month in order to predict the outcome of last season's cliffhanger.  Judging from the results, one would suspect some of you were in a trance for an extended length of time.  Here are a few of the predictions.  We'll select the most accurate pollster in next month's issue, after we've seen the premiere. In the meantime, let us all pray in earnest that Miriam was having an off-her-crystal-ball psychic moment.

Queeeequeg:
"Scully's standing on a very large Clue, and Mulder, channeling Hasbro, starts spouting something about Fowley in the Conservatory with a candlestick but then Scully buys all four railroads, and CSM goes broke by putting all his money into hotels on Baltic and Mediterranean."

Miriam:
"As Scully stands there in denial (or the ocean, if you prefer), the sky darkens. A disco ball drops from above. John Travolta steps on screen in all his Saturday Night Fever glory. He sweeps her off her feet, and they dance the night away on top of the silver dance floor/alien spaceship roof. Not having a life, Scully is unused to spinning around, and gets dizzy and passes out. When she wakes, Travolta is gone and so -Gasp!- is the 
space ship. No one believes Scully and she ends up in a rubber room adjacent to Mulder's. They both recover in time for the second episode."

Sister Janelle the Delicate One:
"I think that Scully will pick up the small piece of the Clue, call in a multinational but secret (think Rainbow 6) scientific response team, while she rushes to Mulder's side with the piece of the Clue which restores him to sanity.  Or whatever."

Sister GinnyB:
"The Blessed One suffers from severe jet lag after her journey to the Coast of Africa and needs a little shut eye. When she awakens from her much needed slumber, the Clue has been taken via tractor beam to an unknown location.  Meanwhile back at the Institution for the Highly Nervous, Mulder begins seeing pink aliens."

Beth Garis:
"Scully will discover, to her utter dismay, Diana Fowley's discarded bra on Mulder's floor, with black oil residue on it."

Julie Schweitzer:
"When Mulder's ex-whatever removed her shirt and forced herself on the already traumatized Punk, it drove him over the edge and he had to be institutionalized.  The Blessed One will discover that the inscriptions on the crashed spaceship on the African coast contain not only a better definition of PANSPERMIA than Sister Lensie's but also a temporary cure for Mulder (involving potions).  Of course, the permanent cure (discovering Fowley's betrayal, her murder, and sex with his and our one true love) will not be realized until the Season Finale (sob)."

Zod:
"Scully quits the FBI and joins the Millennium Group, now a believer.  Mulder gets released from the hospital once his government health insurance stops covering the cost, and now has his own psychic hotline 1-900-ASK-FOXY.  Skinner discovers Rogaine.  Krycek discovers Skinner. New half hour X-Files episodes from previous seasons are announced as a mid-season replacement by Fox."

Brother Hannibal:
"Scully will, in the opening teaser, break out into a long, beautiful orchestrated Broadway showtune written by Stephen Sondheim in which she will emote about her life, her reason for living, why Fowley has so much underwear yet only wears a Playtex cross-your-heart, why she doesn't have a desk and if she should have a life beyond the FBI.  However, in the final verse, she realizes that this is her life's calling and decides that chastity is a good thing after all, at which point Fowley appears and The Blessed One beats her into a pulpy mess.  Now that's Hooterlicious!"

Sister Emily X:
"The Earth's crust is a giant Lego board.  Scully is standing on a section that has been uncovered."

Sister Rania:
"I have a psychic feeling that the vibrations emanating from the giant UFO will act as an extremely powerful aphrodisiac.  In Mulder, this manifested itself by making him as nutty as a fruitcake.  In Scully, I think it will manifest itself by making her lose all control, rip that lovely beige suit off herself, and get down and dirty with someone from the Ivory Coast who, oddly enough, speaks Swahili, on the gigantic, vibrating, spinning, wet, alien rock of love.  This experience will be so earth-shatteringly good, that shockingly, it will erase her memory of seeing the UFO."

Sister Exsanguinate:
"Scully unearths the giant artikifact and has the writings re-translated. The writing turns out to actually be a recipe for homemade Fowley-B-Gone. Scully sneaks into the Fowl One's bedroom and sprays the stuff all over her lingerie drawer(s). Presto! No more Fowley!"

Sister SpicedRum:
"I predict that the Mother Artikifact is actually an underwater refuge for vampires.  Lucius Hartwell will appear and take Scully away from those pesky earthly problems like alien invasion and the embarrassment of wearing yellow socks with a fetching beige outfit.  They'll make hot monkey love until the end of time."

Sister SpicedRum ... again:
"Scully, having just returned to D.C. from Africa, bumps into none other than Detective Kresge, who is in town for... some reason, at Dulles.  They go have a drink and end up making hot monkey love.  All night long."

Sister Spiced-hot-monkey-love-Rum:
"Mulder, having been able to read everyone's thoughts, but now miraculously cured, realizes what a PUNK he's been for the past seven (or six - YMMV) years and resolves to spend the rest of his life making it up to Scully.  During the course of the above-mentioned repenting, they make hot monkey love.  Often.  For long periods of time. Whatever.  I just want Scully to get lucky.  Is it time for our Christmas wish lists yet?" [Editor's Note:  Lists?  You have more than one? ;)]

Sister Emily:
"I think it will start with a large amount of gratuitous alien photos, followed by a brief explanation of PANSPERMIA, and a voice over by Gillian Anderson [fade to black, cue title theme]. Then Scully will break Mulder out of the mental asylum, then fly out of the country to the alien craft, after a short visit with Skinner who reiterates that they have priorities." 

Sister Tabby:
"Well, Mulder, apparently these mysterious carvings are just chunks of a set piece from the carbon freezing chamber in The Empire Strikes Back."

Brother Rogue Librarian AKA Paul Wartenberg:
"Scully begins the episode with another drawn out soliloquy detailing the origins of drawstring pants.  The story then continues with Scully standing on the beach, looking down at a large alien-like craft, which she quickly learns was the original rooftop for the AstroDome before it disappeared in 1974. Meanwhile, Mulder's telepathic abilities have calmed down to the point where he can read the minds of the doctors treating him.  Unfortunately, his doctors are all Swedish and he ends up spouting gibberish like that Swedish Chef Muppet. Scully gets the help of a re-animated Exley, who miraculously survived his 'death' in The Unnatural and has traveled all this way to retrieve the AstroDome's roof.  Using contracted labor, they succeed in loading it onto a passenger ship - which promptly disappears into the Bermuda Triangle.  Thinking nothing of it, Scully returns home. Mulder escapes from the hospital disguised as a lumberjack.  He hitchhikes his way to Arizona to see the dying Navajo code talker, only to find an empty bed and a message saying 'Last of the Jedi you will be.' Diane gets lost in a specialty bra store in Minnesota.  Bye. Skinner develops a backbone, tells Krycek off, who loses the device controlling the nanites in Skinner's blood when a large Rottweiler shows up and grabs Alex's artificial arm.  Krycek ends the episode digging an empty field with one hand, screaming the scream of the damned."

Sister Zurfess:
"Scully will actually get into the spaceship she is standing on and Mulder will already be inside after having been abducted when he was on the floor in the stairwell in Biogenesis. The clone in his place apparently hit the wrong speed-dial number and called Fowley. The result is that the clone, in a desperate attempt to get away from the ThunderDomes, feigned a psychotic breakdown so he could ramble and communicate with the aliens without anyone questioning his actions. Scully and Mulder try to get information on Samantha, but someone accidentally hits the thermostat, the heat rises and the spaceship takes off. Mulder and Scully are just able to escape and land in the middle of the ocean with no help around for miles. We then see them at their office and Mulder shows that he was able to steal a notepad as a souvenir from the ship with Sam's interstellar address on it. Now, all he has to do is wait for the technology to build a ship to take him there. The quest is renewed! It is once again all about Mulder and the clone and ThunderDomes have gone off to run a farm in upstate NY."

This just in from Sister Special Pants, recovered from yet another Kitchen Crew-esque raid on the Ten Thirteen offices in Los Angeles. You may remember Spesh's first foray into that harsh realm, the results of which were recently posted to the OBSSE mailing list: the complete episode slate for season seven, complete with episode titles and synopses.

She's gone and done it again. Mistakenly thinking that heightened security at the production offices would make a second attempt impossible, our intrepid sister simply walked up to the front door and tried the handle, just as a joke.

"I didn't take any precautions. I mean, I didn't even expect to get inside," said Spesh, from her secret bunker deep in nearby Glendale, clearly shaken by the events of her harrowing escape from Ten Thirteen Productions. She was unwilling to provide details of that terrible night, but she suspects the whole thing was a trap. 

"I saw the pages just laying there on a desk. I grabbed all I could and then I split. That was about two weeks ago. Sorry about the wait, but I've kinda got this Entertainment Tonight ninja party shagging my butt."

"Why," we asked. "What have you got?"

"Well, if I'm correct," she said, cinching her Kevlar vest tighter around her, "I've got the first two pages of episode 13, currently in pre-production."

As we took the pages from her trembling hands, Spesh whimpered, "I want the Truth, and I want you to promise that those doodoo heads answer to the Sibliren." 

You saw it here first.

Understanding Sacred Readings

For those of you who participate in the Sacred Readings on Friday Night Chat, you've undoubtedly noticed the arcane directions that screenwriters use to identify certain camera angles and such.  These are often confusing to neophytes unfamiliar with the language.  While we wait for Season Seven Perving to begin in earnest, I thought it might be educational to provide a Perv glossary of important screenwriting terminology.  This is an important but often overlooked part of Perving, as new Perv students are apt to focus only on dialogue.  Remember, it is critical to look at everything as Potentially Pervable (PP), and stage directions are no different.

ACTION:  Of which Scully ain't getting any.

AERIAL SHOT:  Any moment of ultimate bliss experienced off the ground, i.e., from chandeliers, airplane struts, alien tractor beams, etc.

BEAT:  Pretty self-explanatory, don't you think?

CLOSE ON:  Euphemistic for "missionary position."

CLOSER ANGLE:  Any other position.

CUT TO:  About -- there.  The Biogenesis Beach Suit comes to mind.

DISSOLVE TO:  There are three versions of this:

• SWILS:  Scully.  Wearing a white Spandex unitard.
• NSWILS:  Scully.  Wearing a white, unlined, Spandex unitard.  No underwear.  Wet.
• XF Male Of Choice:  Wearing a white, unlined Speedo.  Wet.

ESTABLISHING SHOT:  This agent is mine.  Bitch.

INSERT:  Yeah.

JUMP CUT TO:  Anything involving a surprise attack from behind and the mutual ripping off of clothes.

POV:  Point of View.  Anywhere that floats your boat is fine.

PUSH IN:  Oh yeah.

O.S. : "On Scully." Or "On Skinner."  Your choice.

RACK TO:  Any camera angle favoring hooters.

REVERSE ANGLE:  Canadians like this one.  Then they can both watch the hockey game.

SMASH CUT TO:  Like JUMP CUT TO, only things get broken.

SPLIT SCREEN SHOT:  Shenanigans in and around mosquito netting.

TIGHT ON:  Your heart's desire in Spandex.  Or push-up bras.  Wet or not.

V.O.:  Vulgar Overtures.  CC is telling us a story in his ham-fisted way. 

WIPE:  Always nice after a Perv session. 

ZOOM:  Is that it?  Cripes, I just got my clothes off!

Hopefully, this will get you through the next reading with less confusion and heightened Pervitude.  Next month, I'll identify some choice Perv highlights from the first batch of Season Seven episodes. -- Sister "I Swerve to Perv" Squat

36 INT. SYNDICATE OFFICE - NIGHT - LATER

PANNING DOWN A RISING SHAFT OF BLUE SMOKE to the CSM, who sits by himself in the room. He's deep in thought, when Krycek enters. Taking a chair across from him. The CSM says nothing.

CLOSE ON A LAB MONKEY

Its eyes fast and alert, taking some food from... the Academic, who turns when he hears an unexpected voice behind him.

MULDER (O.S.)
If only they could talk.

ANGLE TO INCLUDE MULDER

Standing beside the Academic. Who takes a beat, then:

30 INT. KLINE'S HOUSE - BEDROOM - LATE NIGHT

We DOLLY past a big pile of unopened moving boxes to reveal Scully seated on the edge of a queen bed.  She's dressed, talking on her cell phone.

28 INT. SHROEDER'S HOUSE - DEN - LATER - A CIGAR

Looms obscenely into the side of frame.  The tall FLAME of a lighter toasts the business end.  We PULL BACK to reveal Mulder puffing it to life while Shroeder lights it for him.

ANGLE ON SCULLY

Standing with her back to us, talking to Langly, Byers. She has her hands up, estimating the size of a two pound trout. Though because her body obscures the exact position of her hands, we cannot see the exact measure of this trout. Byers and Langly are wide-eyed, but go back to playing it cool when their eyes find:

ANGLE TO INCLUDE AGENT MULDER

Entering with Frohike. Wondering what it's all about.

The early schedule of the X-Files is now falling into place. Here is the line up through the end of the year of new episodes as it now stands (subject, of course, to change at the whim of FOX.):

Nov 7 -   The Sixth Extinction (7X03) 
Nov 14 - The Sixth Extinction II - Amor Fati (7X04) 
Nov 21 - Hungry (7X01)
Nov 28 - Millennium (7X05)
Dec 5 -   Rush (7X06)
Dec12 -  The Goldberg Variation (7X02)
Dec19 -  How the Ghosts Stole Christmas

Other episodes filmed and not yet scheduled are Orison (7X07) and Day Break (7X08). Also in the works is another episode by William Gibson, the writer of the popular Killswitch.

Keep your eyes peeled for the usual spate of season premiere talk show rounds. So far Gillian has been scheduled to show up on the syndicated Martin Short Show on November 4th, and we're pretty sure this won't be the only place you'll find her in November.

Gillian recently attended the Los Angeles premiere of Princess Mononoke which goes into wide release this month. Her voice work in the animated feature has been receiving strong notices from critics. She had this to say about the strong spiritual aspect of the film: "Miyazaki films take the environment, nature and respect for nature as entities in and of themselves. I think it's important that audiences view that and see nature being so appreciated."

With FOX canceling Harsh Realm after just three episodes, the good news is that Chris Carter and his writing staff can concentrate full time on The X-Files rather than splitting their time between shows for the remainder of the schedule. The bad news is that this might help convince Carter to try to talk David and Gillian into doing an 8th season of the show when they are both clearly ready to move on.

Gillian Anderson has been doing her part to convince them this is indeed the last season. Despite the fact she is the only major player with a contract that extends beyond this season, she has been making the rounds of the entertainment shows going on the record that she will not be back next year. Let's hope FOX gets the message and lets the show go out with grace. Oh, and FOX? Why don't you let the person who was doing the Harsh Realm website update the woefully out of date official X-Files site.