Dear Sister Autumn,
Can I be a lesbian? I'm feeling left out. Love and Smooches,
Genius Sister Naomi
No. The test actually takes longer than four seconds, just FYI.
Dear Sister Autumn,
What does it mean when a person tells me she's dead to me?
Not speaking from experience or anything, but it usually means that perhaps, just perhaps, said person has been hitting the Scullyritas maybe a little 2 Fast 2 Furious. Not that I'd know anything about that. It's a guess. Really. Why do you ask?
Dearest most revered internet
I came across a series of reviews of the once often talked about show The X-Files the other day written by a woman named Autumn. They were quite funny indeed, and the brand of humor was familiar in a way that made me want to snort water out of my nose. I was wondering if perhaps you and she are one in the same? Are you truly an internet celebrity? And if so, may I have your autograph?
the TRFKAAIC or The Reviewer Formerly Known As An Internet Celebrity or
actually just the following symbol:
Dear Sister Autumn,
Tina flew in from Fiji for Not!Fest. That means she loves us, right? What does it mean when someone can't even be bothered to fly in from LA?
What a very good question. What we really should ask is what does it mean when the person in question can't even be bothered to answer such very simple, and yet very important questions as "Joanie or Chachi?" or "Gouda or Brie?"
All we wanted were our questions answered. Not some manufactured angst about not being able to decide between Joanie and Chachi followed by a quick dismissal.
So yeah, Tina loves us. And Paula? She loves both Joanie and Chachi.
Now that The X-Files is over (and given that we hated it for the last couple of seasons, anyway), we can say whatever we want on the mailing list, right?
I'm just askin'..
You sure can, and I can still kick your ass right off the list as well. Great fun can be had by all. I mean it is really hard to spend years on a mailing list and still not get that a group of mostly women really aren't interested in some teenage manufactured faked stalker porn. How easy it has always been to confuse the OBSSE with that other group by the same name Oversized Boobs are Super Sexy Enthusiasts. Buh-Bye.
Chere Soeur Autumn,
Je ne parle pas anglais. Quand je veux bavarder avec les soeurs et les freres de l'OBSSE, puis-je parler francais?
Écoutez vous - et ne me pensez pas ne savez pas qui vous êtes Isabelle. Jabbering dessus en français est totalement grossier "aux Américains laids" qui sont des invités dans votre pays suposedly bilingue. Je vous veux dire n'entends pas des verres parlant elle-même en allemand toute l'heure (je ne compte pas le marmottage). Sans compter que nous tous savons quand vous toute parlez français que vous êtes Jean parlant juste de toute façon. DÉCOUPEZ-AINSI LA L'ENFER.
Motherhood. Scully tried it. Many of our own have been sucked into the fold. Some of us would like to give it a whirl, especially after the uterus twisting those of us who left Fuquay Varina got in Montreal from GENIUS Sister-in- Training Sarah Frances. So G. Sister Naomi aka Jessica (my newly acquired life partner) and I got to thinking: Here we all are on list talking about movies, books and squirrels now that our common thread of that show we used to watch has been severed for good. Sure, we're doing just fine, but do we not have a reputation to uphold? We have a responsibility to internet cults everywhere! We must reassure groups like poor little Gryffindor Tower that yes, indeed, there is more to post-obsession cult life than the Chop-Chop and Hello Kitty products! Therefore, we have come up with a new aim: We will band together to raise Russian babies.
Before you balk at this suggestion and start thinking that the beautiful Montreal sunshine has fried my sorry little mind, think about the benefits to both yourselves as individuals and to the Abbey as a whole that come with this venture. First of all, who doesn't love a cherubic little bundle with a wicked cool name like Tatiana, Svetlana, Katja, Kira, Masha, Dasha, Pasha, or Natasha? If that doesn't sell you, I have it on good authority that each Russian baby comes packaged with a bottle of the finest Russian vodka, sure to numb the pain should you be so unlucky as to obtain a defective Russian baby who (a) cries, (b) is a born Mulderist, or (c) is male. Secondly, in a few years, the Abbey will be swimming with minions. Minions are getting harder to come by now that the Abbey is closed to new members, and something tells me that La GENIE Soeur Finis, our final sister who was initiated on the final night in Montreal isn't going to go fetching 'ritas forever. Russian babies, however, grow up to be Russian kids who can be ordered to fetch beer, carry a personal cooling unit on those scorching hot upcoming Not!Fest Tampa days, and recite Carterlogue in two languages for Abbey entertainment. Lastly, all the cool kids are doing it.
Now I know what all you unattached sisters are thinking: Even with all the help and support of the Abbey, it's difficult to raise a child alone. Single parents have it rough, and although you CAN do it (especially if you're a GENIUS), you don't know if you WANT to. If this is the case, I urge you once again to turn to your fellow sisters. At the recommendation of G. Sister Autumn, G. Sister Naomi and I tested ourselves to see if perhaps we were living the wrong lifestyle. It only takes four seconds (well, maybe ten for Tammy) and it can change your life forever! Now we are anxiously awaiting the arrival of our child from Moscow. For your own at-home test kit, please contact G. Sister Lens-of-Science, inventor of the test and mother of our honorary Russian baby prototype. Apparently, if Lensie convinces five people to become mothers, she receives a complementary blender, and if you pass the test, your toaster will arrive in 6-8 weeks. So you get a Russian baby, a wife, vodka, and you and Lensie get kitchen appliances all in one maneuver! It's really a win-win situation for all concerned.
So I urge you: Sign up to adopt your Russian baby today so that we can begin sharing as soon as possible. The fate of internet cults everywhere rests on your capable shoulders, and our little Anya will need playmates. OBstetric Sisters Sharing Embryos: It's cold in Russia, save the babies.
We Are Not the Only Internet Cult
... But We Are the Best One
by G. Sister Naomi aka Jessica
What we suspected for years is true ... we are not alone.
As many of you have already heard, we made this momentous discovery during a food break at Rueben's Deli during Not!Fest'03. Strangely, despite our quiet and demure behavior (we hadn't even started singing, yet!), our room had quickly emptied out of other guests. Then our eyes were caught by an odd-looking group filing past us to take a table in the dark shadows at the rear of the restaurant. Their red-and-gold scarves first led us to believe that they might be a football club (you know, people who meet people not by sitting in front of a computer screen for days on end), but closer examination brought to our notice the words gryffindortower.net on the back of a t-shirt.
Intelligence gathering was clearly necessary. (It doesn't count as staring if they don't catch you, right?) Being the shy and retiring type that I am, yours-truly marched right over to ascertain what truth was out there.
My first eloquently worded question (So, um, did you guys, like, um, ... meet on the Internet?) was greeted with a laughing affirmative, and we were soon the best of friends. Of course, I didn't mention the FFFamily Tower or the Rogues, Shipper/Noromo conflicts, or even RP Weekend, thinking that such matters should possibly wait for better acquaintance. Their fledgling Internet Cult - they had formed a mere two years previously - was clearly formed on the OBSSE framework, as they had members from multiple countries, and had existed on-line for some time prior to attempting in-person communication. Notably, they had, like us, a voracious appetite for plot information that has yet to become public. Hours before the newest Harry Potter book was released in North America, the Potterites had tracked down an English acquaintance to give them spoilers. They were kind enough to share said spoilers with us, allowing those of us who made it to Not!Fest to know what would happen in the latest book before all the North American Sibliren who ditched us. Neener.
That said, they have quite a ways to go before reaching anything close to our level. In-depth questioning showed that they had little specialized vocabulary that did not come from the actual books; few, if any, private jokes; nothing approaching the Jersey Devil Project in either scope or creativity; and in fact spent most of their time discussing their eponymous source material. It was so cute.
The Potter cult-let also expressed concern about how their Internet group would survive when no new books were to be released and implored us for our learning on the subject. Hee. I kindly reassured them that the last book would not spell The End, and didn't even point out that they have a hella movie franchise to keep them busy for years to come. Damn them.
In case any sibliren are concerned, upon receiving this confirmation of our no-longer-unique status, or feeling envious that the Potterists actually have YEARS of NEW MATERIAL ahead of them, let me point out that while we may not be alone, we are very clearly superior to the Potter-lets for the following reasons:
1. Scully is way cuter than Harry.We can all be proud.*
*All those interested in beginning World Domination discussions should contact the Kitchen Crew for more information.
What if you had to dress like this instead of in a fashionable suit and pumps....