To send in your burning question just email me at Ask Sister Autumn

Dear Autumn,

Do you have that Britney Spears monstrosity hanging in your bedroom?

Just curious.


No, I do not. I'm pretty sure Brother Scott wanted to take it with him to Dartmouth to hang over his bed at the dorms.

Dear Sister Autumn, Who Is Mean and Scary Beyond All
Comprehension And Never Hugs Anyone or Laughs, EVER,

I'm just wondering how Sparky is doing. Is the slug dead yet? Because I think it would be pretty cool if Sparky turned out to be The One. Plus, I'm platonically concerned for his welfare. <cough>


P.S. I can't find my black bra. Any idea what happened to it?

Sparky is doing just fine despite the fact that he was repeatedly nun-handled, abused, kissed, and had a giant Jeebus!Slug zipped into his handy cooler section which is usually used only to house tictacs and spreadsheets. The slug has long since been extracted without Sparky having to yell "I'm pregnant" or "Cut it out". Which is really for the best seeing as though inanimate trouts don't really yell. At least not loudly. 

As far as your bra is concerned, I'm pretty sure Brother Scott wanted to take it with him to Dartmouth to hang over his bed at the dorms.

Oh Demure One, who helps us through the pesky golf tunnels with love notes and carries her trout with more dignity than even the Blessed One could muster,

I have a problem with the English language now that my fest virginity is gone.  Unsuspecting co-workers say "minion" and I point to them, and although I have learned not to shout at them, they are still a bit frightened.  If I hear "pie" I have to have some NOW and the word "demure" sends me into a giggle fit.  I have avoided the Hello Kitty store in Times Square completely for fear of what may happen.  Whatever shall I do?  Would it be best to just avoid these words altogether?  I just want to keep my vocabulary intact without scaring anyone anymore.

Thank you for your time.
-Hurricane the over-eager Britney enthusiast

The Stupidest Things 
(to the tune of My Favorite Things)

3 weeks or 3 months
f Scully's abduction
Writing so sloppy
it's true plot destruction
Continuity errors that
make my ears ring
These are a few of the
stupidest things

Butt genies, walk-ins,

tattoos that are gone
Stockings that may
or may not have been on
Stuffed killer kitties that
ly without wings
These are a few of the
stupidest things


When the myth arcs, 
when the bee stings
When we've all been had
I start to list all of the
stupidest things
And dammit it makes me mad

Goatsuckers, no desk,

and working vacation
Viewing the world's longest
human gestation
Secret brain illnesses,
strange wedding rings
These are a few of the
stupidest things

CPR efforts that

last only seconds
Pre-partum flirting that
creepily beckons
Test tubes of ova,
the babies they bring
These are a few of the
stupidest things


When the myth arcs, 
when the bee stings
When we've all been had
I start to list all of the
stupidest things
And dammit it makes me mad

Alien hybrids and

bad Mulder ditches
Guest starring females
that all become bitches
Post-Movie mytharc
and all Season 8
These are a few of the
things that I hate!

When the myth arcs, 

when the bee stings
When we've all been had
I sit down with my
Season 3 DVDs
and then I don't feel so bad!
Personally I think it is a very good idea to avoid a Hello Kitty store, so I am not quite sure what the problem is. And generally speaking avoiding pie is a bad idea. If you want some real advice I'd say that the best way to improve yourself is to stop putting "Over-eager Britney enthusiast" in your sig or you might find your co-workers pointing at you and laughing.

Dear all-seeing-like-a-brittle-starfish-is-all-seeing Autumn;

I was at a Scandinavian restaurant and ordered an elderflower margarita from a bartender with a Danish accent who had to look at a recipe in order to make it.  Am I going to go to Hell?


mixed up.

Dear Nina,


Dear Autumn, Whose Relationship With And Proximity To A Certain Good-Looking Trout Is Enviable,

I am suffering from a terrible bout of PFD.  I miss everyone so much.  There is one member of the Order, however, that I find myself missing more than anyone else.  I realize your column is not a dating service, but I thought you might be able to answer one question for me: 

Is Sparky single?

I can't stop thinking about him.  I had met him a few times before Fest, always briefly, but after spending a long weekend around him, my feelings can no longer be hidden.  Please, please help me.

Also, tell that Welsh slut she'd better keep her hands (and her wandering tongue) away from my man.

A Smitten Sister 

Dear Smitten,

Your attraction to a trout, while quite odd, appears to be a common thing in our little Order. It seemed every time I turned around at FEST some girl was grabbing at him and trying to have her way with him. I guess it's time to break some hearts here. Yes, Sparky is single, but he's gay and I think he has a crush on Mike.

Dear Sister Autumn, who will surely ease my troubled mind,

I was sitting at home with my cats on a recent Saturday night, flipping through my two-volume tiny-type Oxford English Dictionary (I have to use a magnifying glass!), when I came across the following entry:

Chris Carter (kris  kär' ter) 

Humanoid robot; mandroid.

What gives?

Confused in Boston Denver

Dear Confused,

Finally you've discovered the truth. And all this time you thought Chris Carter was a human being and that he had feelings too. Did you really think that a human being with feelings would make an hour of primetime television about a little man who crawls up your butt? Exactly.

Dear Autumn,

Would it be pushing the boundaries of good taste to line up Wayne Newton to sing a "special" song to Beer next year in Vegas?

Just wondering,

Anonymous Sister

Why Anonymous Sister I really don't think that would be pushing the bounds of good taste at all. We all know Sister Beer hums Danke Schoen while preparing her cheese spreads. I'm sure she'd love the chance to swoon for Mr. Las Vegas.


Respectfully Yours,

Sister Beer

Because we can.

Golf: OBSSE Style by Autumn

To tell the truth we had wanted to go bowling. As we planned FEST we thought there would not be much funnier than 100 brothers and sisters competing in a bowling tournament. That dream was shattered when we walked into the only bowling alley in a 45 mile radius of Winter Park and discovered that they had only 6 lanes. Somehow we doubted we'd all fit in the place and we were pretty damn sure they would not have 50 pair of women's size 7 shoes.

Not to be totally dissuaded, the idea of a mini-golf tournament was born. After all there was a course walking distance from our resort. The only real downside was that this miniature golf course was about as dull as they come. No volcanos. No Disneyesque feel. Pretty much just astro turf, cement and holes. Even the water hazards sucked.

So we had to make our fun. That was easy enough. The players were rather arbitrarily assigned teams based upon my own amusement. So instead of good strong sporting names like say the Broncos, we had names like "Minion Relations", "I'm an Arteest", "Sisters with Accents", and "Tiger Swoods."

We descended upon the golf facility a sea of OBSSE blue as we were all dressed in our school colors wearing the FEST golf shirts and the games began.

To be honest it was more a fashion show than anything else because due to the golf rules which included swinging with your eyes closed and using opposite hands very little talent was on display of the sporting nature. There was some unsportsmanlike conduct as team "All About Hair" kept making Mandy fling her hair around to distract others. Team "Faithful" had a little crusade flag they carried from hole to hole where they spoke a short collect from their Hymnal before teeing off. And Aderyn kept using her dolly to hit the ball. Then, of course, the "Arteests" managed to go to the wrong hole at one point thus confusing everyone behind them.

Oddly enough, by the time it was all over and the results were carefully tallied team "Troutbait" emerged victorious and Lilydale, Mike, Anji and Phledge all took home special trophies proclaiming their miniature golf superiority. Personally, I think they cheated. Team "Sea Worthy" with Ahab, Sonya, Walrus, and Hurricane came in second and walked off with golf medals. The day's "booby prize" for worst performance went to "Cats, Chickens and a Bug" which means Chickie, Tabby, Ant, and Kitty all took home a cheese soap on a rope.

However, more importantly than all these prizes, we managed to frighten a whole bunch of people who could not figure out who in the heck we were and why we were so odd. So, all in all, it was a good day for golf.


Hail Holy Scully, our inspiration, our role model, our saint.  To thee do we cry, poor talented children of the OBSSE.  To thee do we send up our sighs (communal sigh). Turn thine eyebrows of righteousness toward us. Show us victory in this game of small balls. Amen


Scully our saint
My model so dear
To whom our love
Has brought us here
Ever this day
Be at our side
To keep arms straight,
The ball to guide.

Come, Holy Scully, fill the hearts of your Faithful and enkindle in us the aptitude to play golf.

We are yours, oh Blessed Mother Scully, and all holes in one we make due to your divine influence.