or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and
Once upon a Friday night last April in a nondescript suburb of Boston, I was eating some pie. Was it coconut cream or lemon meringue? I don't remember. It's...hazy.
Banana cream! Definitely banana cream.
As I was enjoying this freaking fantastic pie I was also attending OBSSE chat, since I've always been one of the cool kids. And while we're here, let me take this opportunity to improve your life: if you think chat is good on its own, you have GOT to try chat with pie! It's better than good. So following the example of demure nuns the world over, or at least Colorado, I took it upon myself to neener share my joy with those less fortunate around me.
I casually mentioned that I was eating pie, and I casually mentioned that it was sublime, and I casually mentioned that nothing would make me happier than sharing my pie with my sisters and brothers in Saint Scully, and I casually mentioned that it was terribly unfortunate that they were scattered about the globe while the pie remained in my home and therefore not, consequently, in theirs. Imagine my surprise when some nuns did not seem to delight in my good fortune. It turns out that there are nuns with a less kind and giving nature than my own, and that some of these nuns are named Autumn.
If I recall correctly, and I'm quite certain I do, since it was a defining moment in my life, Autumn said, "Give me your pie." I explained that while I would like nothing more than to give her my pie, it was impossible due to the 2000 regrettable miles between us. Autumn told me that I should put my pie in a box and FedEx it to her. A creative solution, I assured her, but untenable. Plus I think I'd finished it by then. Mmm tasty.
Fast forward a few weeks. The Boston Scully Marathon happened, and a wicked good time was had by all. Including Scully. It turns out that Scully likes pie. Who knew? My marathon report casually mentioned this, and provided photographic evidence. I back up my claims, you know. Like a scientist.
But instead of taking joy in the addition of yet another item to the long list of similarities between myself and Saint Scully (you know those black boots she wore inMilagro? I had 'em first), Autumn called it 'pie taunting'.
Sure, fine. Whatever. But this completely unexpected reaction got me thinking about pie a little more. I decided that the next time I saw Autumn I'd give her some pie, since she seemed to have such an unhealthy fixation on it and I'm always looking for a good way to suck up and bring her happiness. Then it dawned on me that the next time I saw Autumn would be at FEST, and that it would be the action of a substandard nun to give pie to Autumn but deny everybody else. I mean, really, all you have to do is picture the angry horde brandishing clubs and three-inch heels sad little faces of all those pie-deprived nuns.
'Pie for all!' I thought, and casually mentioned to the rest of the Medical Hut staff that I had an urge to feed one hundred people all the pie they could eat. Instead of telling me I was off my nut, the Medical Hutters (and by the way, Microsoft Word just tried to replace 'hutters' with 'hooters', which I suspect is some kind of message straight from Satan, although I do not know exactly what it means) responded in a Greek chorus of unanimity with, "Great idea, Ptero!"
I called up the Safeway in Fraser and talked to a nice lady who did think I was off my nut, and ordered enough pie for one hundred people. And picked it up.
Scott's Letters to Home
Preface: Since my struggle to attend Fest was rather well-documented <g>, I feel its only fair to let my parents know what I really experienced in Winter Park. What follows is the unadulterated truth. (Hehe.)
Dear Mom and Dad,
Wednesday, July 25
Today was an amazing day! After being a member of the OBSSE since I was 14 years old (its scary to think how much this group has influenced my teenage years), I was finally able to attend the annual gathering known as FEST. Hoo boy.
A couple of flight delays later, I successfully met up with my roommates at DIA: Gen, Glasses, Twee, and Tina. It was so great to finally meet them in person. They were all extremely nice, although they kept speaking in languages I didnt understand. I learned to nod a lot.
Once we got to the car, we had some difficulty fitting our luggage into the trunk because the beer bottles took up so much room. Anyway, we soon found out that the ever-helpful staff at Iron Horse Resort had screwed up our reservation. GoGo Internationale was thus split up into two separate rooms. ::sigh:: Incompetent morons.
After we settled in, my group went directly to the Elder's Tower to visit Autumn, Nanchita, La.. (short for LaRhonda), Lens, and Paula. (They are called the Elders because they are really old, almost as old as you two.) We sat around, eating vegetables and crackers, and had a simply jolly conversation. Autumn wore pink shorts. (She also owns a life-sized trout named Sparky, whom she likes to hit people with on occasion.) Ya know, Autumn has a strange influence over people - shell merely have to ask for a drink (or whatever she wants at that given moment), and people will literally line up to fulfill her request. Its almost as if theyre brainwashed. Meanwhile, Lens and La.. kept cackling maniacally at me whenever they mentioned Brother Colin (who was in France). After several minutes of this blatant evilness, I had no choice but to cower under the couch pillow.
By the way, youll both be happy to know that Paula, the OBSSEs stable mom figure, is as sweet, kind, and responsible as I had assured you. However, she kept wearing this sticker on her butt that read Creeeeeeeak. That was rather odd.
After we ate a lovely dinner at a nearby Italian restaurant named Dinos, we returned to the Elder's Tower where we were treated to a wonderful musical performance by the OBSSE band, Meredith. She played many terrific songs (mostly at the request of Mandy, a person who is in constant movement). Suddenly, from this quiet atmosphere, a group of about twenty OBSSE members burst onto the scene. They had come from Ranias house; hysteria ensued. Mom and Dad, there is nothing quite like seeing 30 grown women squeal and embrace each other. Its rather scary.
Though overwhelmed, I somehow managed to introduce myself to those who had entered. It was so cool to connect a face with a name! After that exhausting day, I went to bed.
Thursday, July 26
Im still alive and breathing. The people here are genuinely kind, even though a few are slightly evil. The first notable event of the day occurred in the morning. The Elders were foolish enough to entrust the construction of the Fest Registration poster with Aderyn and Skull. They are two of the most demented souls I have ever met, although their accents rock.
Back to the story, a mundane stop at the local 7-11 proved to be fated - it was there that Kristin spied a bin of free Britney Spears posters. You see, Mom and Dad, as much as she likes to deny it, Autumn absolutely loves Britney Spears. Rumor has it that shes erected a Britney Shrine in her home. Thus, we all knew that we had hit the jackpot. We cut out four Britneys and arranged them in the form of a cross (not that this group is pseudo-religious or anything). I happened to notice that Britneys mouth was wide open in the picture (I hear thats the position her mouth naturally assumes), so we drew in bubble thoughts with statements like, Autumn, I love your shorts! When she finally saw it, Autumn was so impressed by our artistry that she was rendered speechless.
Next was the main event of the day, Fest Registration. It was an exciting time, for this is when everyone gathered in the common room to signify the official start of Fest. All who came received a goody bag, complete with latex gloves and a chocolate cigar (among other things). For some reason, people kept calling me a Virgin. Others were called Hos. Anyway, perhaps the most interesting item in the bag was the OBSSE hymn book; the cover featured a male midget in high heels. It disturbed me.
After Registration, we had sandwiches at a local restaurant and then headed back to the hotel lobby where we mingled for an hour or two. Autumn gave me a ribbon which read Im A Big Boy. People really liked hearing me say that out loud for some reason. Some requested that I say it in a deep, manly voice. I think theyre all perverts.
After a delicious dinner, Opening Festivities commenced. Before I knew it, I was raffled off by a bunch of screaming women and ended up in the hands of Sandy, whos a medical doctor. Someone warned me not to let her play doctor with me. (I took their advice.) Shortly after, to my surprise and delight, Lens announced that I was to become an honorary, wrong-haired, prancy Elder and be given the power to make the annual Bad Elder decision. I began to think hard about my responsibility (the Elders assured me I had no rights).
The festivities concluded with our cults ::cough:: groups daily ritual: the naming of the Butt Genie of the Day. An unsuspecting OBSSE member was singled out by the Elders, forced to drape a burlap sap around their body, and then ride a cart on their knees. The people around them moaned, Creeeeeeak! Oh, what good, clean fun!
I subsequently volunteered to help serve the dessert of the evening - pies. Lots and lots of pies. I was in dessert heaven! I honestly dont know why they trusted me to look after pies, since, as you know, I have a gigantic sweet tooth. Pteropod, who brought the pies, did so after she had been charged by Autumn with the crime of Pie Taunting. (Apparently, Pteropod had sent Autumn a picture of herself covered only in fruit filling.) Although Autumn came late, we were gracious enough to save her a wide piece of pecan pie. Autumn commented that she had heard width was important. I didnt ask her to elaborate.
Before I went to bed, I was lucky enough to attend the viewing of the LGC girls most prized video. Its title? Lensies Bitches. In it, Beth slowly licked a steering wheel.
Friday, July 26
Thanks to the OBSSE, I will now only answer to the call of Marsha. Just kidding! ;-) Seriously, today was so wonderful! It began with a fun-filled romp at a local park, where the OBSSE Miniature Golf Tournament was held. My team was named Scotts Girls, naturally, and Sister Vivien was cool enough to supply us with team visors. The rules for the game were a bit different than usual. For instance, on every even-numbered hole, players had to tee off with their eyes closed (have I mentioned the evilness yet?). After the first few holes, my team decided that having fun was what we excelled at most (read: we sucked at the game). At one point, a chipmunk scurried by one of the holes; leave it to Rania to attract furry animals (she has a long history with llamas, too). Unfortunately, my team ran into a group of grumpy civilians who tried to butt ahead of us on Hole #1. Ever the diplomat, Sister Vivien piped up that our organization had reserved the golf area. When they continued to protest, we gave them dirty looks and kept on playing.
At lunch, I was lucky enough to hear a live rant from CathyB (unfortunately I didnt get the full effect since she wasnt naked). You see, Mom and Dad, Cathy is very small and even subdued - but when she rants, she can bring the house down. Todays topic was the outrageous coercion that takes place in movie theaters to try to get customers to upgrade from a child-sized popcorn to the medium size. And they keep asking me if I want the medium size, and I keep saying, No, I dont want that much popcorn, but they wont SHUT UP! CathyB is the Ultimate Ranter.
Afterward, a bunch of us got tickets to ride the thrilling Alpine Slide. The ticket woman asked us what our group was about, and NFF (The Mother of All Evil) offered a brief description that ended with, But now we just crack our own bleep up. Of course she didn't say bleep. We dragged her away before we ended up in the local newspaper. Even though I had never done it before, I went on the fast lane of the slide and had an absolute blast! Especially when I almost collided head-on with CathyB! Others, however, werent as lucky. Poor Adrianne tried to brake herself with her skin. She lost that battle.
I soon learned that Lens had misplaced her copy of Lensies Bitches, her margarita glass, AND her nametag (that takes some talent). She was clearly distressed and didnt understand how she could have lost those items considering she had just set them down an hour ago. When asked where she had put them, she answered nonchalantly, Behind a tree.
This was also about the time when I had my traumatic experience. I accidentally caught several OBSSE members in the pool together. They were performing ::takes a deep breath:: synchronized swimming. ::sobs:: Yes, I know - its almost too horrible to contemplate! I could barely function afterward. Im afraid the psychotherapy bills will be extensive.
After I got settled, I volunteered to help carry the enormous keg and station it near the tables. I didnt realize that a keg could contain that much beer! You know, it seemed like there was an endless supply of alcohol that day, and I wondered if --Where was I? Oh, yes. All of the menfolk (as Autumn called the guys) were in charge of cooking the hamburgers. Unfortunately, the grill left a lot to be desired, but largely thanks to Ron, it all worked out in the end. The only odd thing, in terms of the food, was that Autumn forced us to eat the coleslaw without forks. Can you believe it? Talk about uncivilized.
Now, here comes the embarrassing part. Because I had been under the influence of my mentor Sandy, my original idea was to incorporate the Stop, Drop & Roll technique into my Bad Elder Decision. This didnt happen for a number of reasons, one of which was that I told NFF my secret, which is tantamount to broadcasting it on CNN. (My naiveté yet again reared its ugly head.) I did so only because I had felt guilty for propelling several Smarties at NFFs head.
In mere seconds, word got round the campsite about my idea, and soon Paula approached me for a little chat. You see, Mom and Dad, Paula is an expert at performing the Stop, Drop, & Roll, and she wanted to give me tips about how to perfect the stunt. Actually, she threatened me with my life. Paula insinuated that she would direct The Glare towards me (which I hear turns people to stone). Because I respected Paulas wishes, and because I wanted to come home relatively unscathed, I decided to use my other idea. (Special thanks to Twee and Mandy for helping me refine it.)
In retrospect, it was good that I used my other idea for it was a far superior Bad Elder Decision: whenever someone uttered the word minion (which had become Autumns second most-used word behind the word the), they would have to scream out, Im a hottie-boom-ba-latti! Hey, Dad, you know Susanna, the attorney you called in Denver to verify her existence and ensure I was in good hands? She was the person who coined that phrase on the mailing list. Makes you feel confident, doesnt it? Anyway, the last part of the decision decreed that the surrounding people would yell back, Hellooooo Kitty!
You know, Autumns face dropped when I banned the use of that word. Poor thing. She wasnt sure if she could go on living her present life. ::grins evilly:: She tried to substitute minion with such pale imitations as minnow, but none had the same bite as the original. The best part, however, was trapping Lens into saying the word minion - and watching her become speechless and embarrassed. That happens about as often as Scully has sex.
Any other noteworthy tidbits? Well, Adrianne kept carrying around a cow bell and making grunting noises like Jabba the Hut. I worry about her sometimes.
Moving on the activities at the meadow concluded with the presentation of awards, including the winners of the Action Figure Fashion Contest (you dont want to know). This was followed by the second edition of FestVivor (who knew musical chairs could be so complicated?).
When we arrived back at the Iron Horse Resort, a bunch of us went to the common room and sang songs from the OBSSE Hymnal - Fest Vespers. It was a rockin evening! Perhaps my favorite song was Rabbits Every Night. We sang melodiously about rabid fornication. Good times. Sister Hurricane took advantage of this event to showcase her dancing skills. How she knew, by heart, every move in Britney Spears Oops, I Did It Again dance routine is something none of us dared to find out. When it came time to sing His Crap Will Go On, they chose me to fill Colins absence. If only Meredith wasnt a foot taller than me
The last event of the night was the enjoyable GoGo Internationale Party. I was pretty tired by this time, but I do recall Sister Hurricane discussing the daily habits of her exhibitionist roommate and Mandy telling us about a fetishist she encountered who licked her foot for $5. I fell asleep shortly after that.
Saturday, July 28
Today was the big day - the last hurrah before this glorious gathering we call Fest came to an end. The much-awaited Cheese Tour took place about 1:00 in the afternoon. It involved traveling to four different rooms, where we tasted and marveled at unique, fine cheeses. Sister Beer, our groups resident cheesologist, headed up the ceremony. She was ably aided by the three Cheesebutantes: Lauren (whose bra was showing), Lens, and NFF. They all wore inflatable cheese hats. When it came time to depart for the rooms, the Rogues led the processional, each armed with a gun. As for the rest of us, we proudly waved our Cheese Tour flags (yes, the Elders were foolish enough to provide us with sharp sticks).
Everything went pretty well. Except for the incident where the Cheesebutantes cluelessly burst into a civilians room and terrorized the young children by chanting, Oooooooo Goooouda. They were summarily kicked out. Well, what do you expect from people who have toilet paper coming out of their dresses in suggestive places? NFF even had an orange-sized hickey on her neck. Oddly enough, people found that last part pretty natural for NFF.
I believe the most interesting stop on the Cheese Tour was the Festal Virgins Room. Aderyn had carved a cheese wheel into the shape of an ass and had rammed a Mulder action figure up its butt. Did I mention shes disturbed? When I came into their room, she, Skull, Serin, and Dubh all gathered around me, threw a boa around my neck, and took pictures. They groped me, too.
I spent the remainder of the afternoon rehearsing for the exciting Cabaret Night. As you two know, Id never performed in any type of talent show before, but I was very psyched about this. Boy did it live up to my expectations. The Cabaret, in a word, was magnificent. It consisted of twelve acts which were all innovative and rolling-on-the-floor-hilarious.
Fittingly enough, the Cabaret ended with a performance by the Sphincter Girls to the song, Baby Got Back: I like big butts and I cannot lie. Then we got all schmoopy singing a song to Nanchita and Autumn entitled Thanks for Fest, followed by a sentimental tearjerker of a video that Autumn had put together for us. <sniff> Enough of that
Oh, then the final edition of FestVivor was held. Im not sure what to make of it, but Paula was wearing horns. Anyway, despite La..s monopoly of the Immunity Challenges, in the end Nanners was named the winner. My suspicion is that she bossed the people into voting for her. Her nickname is Nurse Bossypants, plainly evident in the firm manner in which she positions people when taking pictures. Gentle insistence? She only wishes.
Last, but certainly not least, were the parties. Hoo boy, the parties. By that point, I was high on adredaline and willing to let loose (and considering the many pictures taken, willing to be blackmailed, too). My memory of this night is a bit hazy, but I do recall certain events:
-I danced on a table and got money shoved down my pants by a man. (Yes, you read that correctly.)
-Rania taught me the art of bellydancing. Shes really flexible.
-Sister Hurricane offered me a taste of these orgasm snack bars she had made.
-About 20 of us grooved on the dance floor. I wore a police hat and people asked me to frisk them thoroughly.
-Aderyn and I seductively danced with licorice in our mouths. She kept licking it and sticking it back in her mouth. Shes shameless.
-We porno nurse kicked Serins piñata, which was in the shape of a high heel shoe. It contained little alien babies.
In short, we partied and danced the night away in grand OBSSE fashion.
Sunday, July 29
Today was the worst day. A whole three hours after I went to sleep, I awoke to face the grim reality - Fest had ended. It was time to pack up. Fighting back tears, I got everything together and headed down to breakfast. We reminisced a bit, and then headed into the Parking Lot of Endless Good Byes. I hadnt been prepared for many things at Fest - Chickie dropping her pants at the GoGo Internationale Party, the leave-nothing-to-the-imagination outfits worn to the Buffy Party, Derrick sporting a paper plate on his head But, by far, the thing I had most been unprepared for was this last day, where we all parted ways. I put on my brave face and said good bye to the Elders, my roommates, and all the rest of the wonderful people I had met over the last few days (well, those who were conscious at 9:00 AM, that is). Fest was truly one of the most exhilarating and enjoyable experiences Ive ever had. The people I met were all so bright, considerate, and funny (I cant stress that word enough). Once I boarded the plane, the sheer elation I had felt during those four days came crashing down as I experienced the first pangs of Post-Fest Depression. (I knew I should have grabbed some Proztacs.)
In the end, your little boy (stop yer cackling) has survived Fest. I have returned physically unharmed (the mental damage is harder to quantify). Ive changed, however, because of the unforgettable interactions that took place during this amazing trip. Mom and Dad, thank you so much for your understanding and allowing me this most memorable experience. Without a doubt, lest something urgent arises, Ill be in Las Vegas next year to visit all of my friends again.