Festvivor: Producer's Log
by Princess Burnett

I'd like to dedicate my article to Scott, who will receive a whupping like he won't believe for finishing his article the day after Fest and making us look bad. 

Day 1

Supplies are already running low, thanks to the long line for the bartender. The members of Team GoGo and Team Quiet eye each other warily, wondering which will be the first to be booted off by their team. By members, I mean Autumn and Joanne because the other team members have already locked in their alliances and decided who to knife in the back. Julie Probst sits sulking in the corner--not only has Team Quiet stolen her pith helmet and filled it with margaritas, but Gretchen Cordy has refused repeated requests to cohost FestVivor ("She'll be here.  I know it.")

The shelters have barely been built (out of empty beer bottles and the contents of Fest Virgins' suitcases before it's time for the first immunity challenge. Julie Probst asks that all Festvivor contestants fill their margarita torches before the Tribal Council. Morale improves. Following a brief Q&A, the contestants are told that they will vote off two people--one from their team, and one from the other. Eyes light up--this is a bloodthirsty bunch. As the votes are cast, contestants begin to sweat. Except for Lens and Nanners, who seem strangely calm. In fact, I think they even wink at each other during the voting. Could an inter-tribe alliance have sprung up behind the backs of the innocent Festvivors? How very Susan and Richard of them.

One by one, the tribe members cast their votes. Julie Probst reads the votes, and in a surprising move that surprises nobody, Autumn and Paula are the first voted off Team GoGo.  Chickie and Joanne take one for Team Quiet. After their margaritas are ceremoniously dumped into the Sacred Blender, the remaining castaways ready themselves for the first immunity challenge. The contestants are quizzed on trivia from Fests past, and being greedy, try to argue more points for themselves. For example:

Julie Probst:  Name two people who came to the first Fest and never returned.

Lensie:  My pride and personal dignity.

Julie Probst:  Not valid. You can't prove those two ever showed up in the first place.

Sadly, it became obvious that Tammy and Angie either slept or drank too much through the first three fests and got themselves booted off the island for knowing the least Fest trivia. The remaining members of the teams, tired from a full day of drinking and snarking, retire to their respective camps.

Day 2

The day dawns bright and sunny. The teams are once again hungry, due to the depleted stack of bagels at the breakfast buffet. Cherish has gotten bitchy and Nanchita has begun planning to get her hands on Sparky and grill him with some rosemary dill marinade. It's not a pretty sight, folks. We've come out to the meadow to have the next vote, but this time the rules have changed a bit. Each team votes off one of their own, who then gets the opportunity to take someone from the other team with them to join Team Bitter. Nanchita, stabbed in the back by her own team (perhaps the queso dip was too spicy?) drags Meredith kicking and screaming away from Team Quiet. Cherish gets voted off for looking too frickin' cherubic and pulls Dr. Sarah off Team GoGo, thus ruining their last chance of remaining sane through the rest of the game. Somehow during the free-for-all, Minor and Glasses get voted off by their own teams.

It's time for another immunity challenge, but this one comes with a <drumroll> BRAND NEW CAR!  The lucky winner will walk away with a slightly, gently used Honda CRV complete with its own Broncos sticker. The game is musical chairs with Skull accompanying on the digeridoo. La.. finds herself outplayed by Nan, Gen and Lensie and comes up the loser in this game. Which actually works out in her favor, because we have a sick sense of humor and award immunity to her. The four remaining players return exhausted to their bare camps, while the members of Team Bitter dance around the keg and sing Britney Spears campfire songs.

Day 3

The final day on Festvivor.  Tensions are running high--all four remaining players want to be the last standing, the lucky winner of the fabulous digeridoo. Will it be La.., the artist who is not afraid to dig up some theatrical begging to get the jury to vote her way? Will it be Lensie, battle-hardened by the action figure-napping of '98? Will it be Gen, who has been muttering quietly in French behind the backs of her fellow castaways and whittling small trees into hockey sticks? Or will it be Nan, the woman who hoped to be the first voted off, only to find her competitive sense awakened?

The four cast their votes. La.. sits smugly, the immunity necklace complimenting her all-black ensemble. As the votes are read, it becomes obvious to Gen that she'd better start drinking her ceremonial margarita and quickly. She dumps her margarita into the ceremonial blender and goes to join Team Bitter.

One more immunity challenge and two more votes stand between our contestants and the digeridoo. The final challenge is a contest to see how well the castaways know each other.  Lens apparently never made the connection and Nan was apparently too busy taking pictures to get to know the other island residents, so once again La.. is victorious. La.. is faced with a difficult decision--vote out Lensie, one of her fellow Elders, or vote out Nanners and risk her photo never making it into the tell-all book? La.. chooses publicity and in the end, it's Lensie who rides the Team Bitter pine.

We're finally down to the last two contestants, and what a pairing it is. The two contestants face an angry jury of their former peers. Paula, looking fetching with her Festvivor bandana tied around her blinking horns, asks each contestant to explain their CHarc. La.. mocks Nan's tennis shoes and Nan remarks that at least she wears colors. Paula seems disappointed that neither mentioned Armani or black boots.  Lens, still smarting from being voted off and losing a perfectly good margarita, asks a simple question:  Why?

"Because," answers La.

"42," Nan, ever the math geek, replies. 42 what? We'll never know, but it seems to satisfy Lensie.

Before we know it, it's time to read the votes. There's a vote for La.., and a vote for Nan. Another two votes for La.. and a few votes for Nan. A vote for Gretchen. Julie Probst cheers. The rest of us roll our eyes. La.. gets another two votes, but the rest are for Nan. She graciously accepts her digeridoo and weeps a gentle tear of happiness that she was able to outdrink, outsnark and outlast her fellow castaways.

And thus the game ends and the sun sets on our Tribal Council. The players return to their happy homes and wait the calls from agents offering endorsement deals and PlayNun spreads.