News for the OBSSEsed - continued
Issue No. 27, September 1999
A New and Improved 
Entrance Exam in the Hall of Admittance

With a little help from our sisters and brothers in St. Scully, and in keeping with our current Abbey makeover, we're updating the rigorous standards by which we admit new members to our pseudo-religious-fictional- television-character-worshipping Order. (We also strongly suspect that some of the answers were passed around at <ahem> communion recently, thereby dulling the competitive edge of our previous quiz.)  Therefore, we're asking members to contribute their own original admittance question, such as the following sample: 

You're about to go on your most dangerous case yet and your intuition tells you there could be unexpected unpleasantness. Do you:

A) Take a clue from Mulder and strap on an ankle holster
B) Ditch the case and go to the Bahamas
C) Decide that this is just the occasion for your white blouse.
 

Only a true Scullyist would know the answer.

Name: 

Email: 

Are you an OBSSE Member? YesNo

Here's my admittance test question:

Just
pick
up
the
keyboard
and
make
it
happen!

Editor's Note: In what can only be called a minor miracle, we managed to get Drs. K and S to focus on the actual people over there instead of their own ongoing desk drama long enough to examine the poll answers from the July edition.  Of course they also tried to double charge the Abbey since they thought about answering last month. If you recall, we asked Order members as a personality assessment to chose which of nine images appealed to them most. Naturally they all had a hidden meaning, as evidenced by the photographs they actually represented. Some of you that wrote in may wish the Doctors were still absorbed with themselves...
 

 
 
 
Personality Type: 1

Dr K:
Dr S, I must say I'm surprised that none of the membership (not even the kitchen crew) fell into this category. Could it be that the sibliren LIKE bowling shoes?

Dr. S:
Well, Dr. K, in my <ahem> professional opinion, bowlophilia and bowlophobia are both treatable thanks to recent advances in the field, as I learned in my <ahem> doctoral program.  By the way, you're looking a little stressed these days.  Perhaps some time out of the office would help...? 
 

 
  1
You've never been one to let people push you around (especially a Joan Rivers lookalike in a bad wig). You aim for what you want in life and go after it. Downside to this personality type includes an irrational fear of bowling shoes and the occasional visitations by dead people. 
 
 
Personality Type: 2

Name: Sister Aerin writes:
I chose Number Two, because, although I know that it is practically against Abbey Rules, I really dig The Sainted Scully in black and beige. Her hair just glows, and I get all mooshy.

Dr. S:
Rules were made to be broken, Sister Aerin, especially when the outcome is mooshiness. 

Dr. K:
Quite frankly, I'm much more concerned about the sentence :"I really dig The Sainted Scully in black and **BEIGE**." I think Aerin needs to spend more time perusing Sister Paula's "Fashion Do's and Don't's" and less time on the damn ship.

Brother Sean writes:
Number 2, because it looks like a nun standing next to a large smoking cannon that has recently been fired, and the contrast between monastic pacifism and militaristic violence underscores a fascinating sociopolitical tension between liberal doves and conservative hawks. Either that, or it shows coffee and donuts, which are also good.

Dr. S:
Your blending of such diverse leitmotifs as politics and so-called "low culture" cuisine decenters the primacy of the straightforward poll response as a traditional forms of discourse. Well done, Brother Sean.

Dr. K:
Domo arigato, Pomo deconstructo disco roboto.... 

Sister Gwen writes:
Number 2 appeals to me the most. It looks like one of us nuns trying to grab a smoking doughnut. It's also got nice colors and kinda reminds me of a mudskipper.

Dr. S:
What the hell is a mudskipper?

Dr. K:
Well I know a mud*shipper* is someone who wants Mulder and Scully to get it on whilst rolling around on the wet ground. I can only assume being a mudskipper means adding Krycek into the mix.

Name: Sister Makaway 
Poll: My choice is #2. Why? 'Cause it feels like home.

Dr. S:
Let me guess... you're living in the Rogues' Wing, right? 

Dr. K:
Dr. S, are you saying that *your* Abbey suite didn't come with handcuffs? I thought that was standard issue around here.
 

 
2
Clever and quick-witted, you know how to get what you want... and how to fend off what you don't want. You lie much more convincingly than you once did. You can be quite persuasive, and it's not only your gaze which is steely.

 

 
Personality Type: 3

sis xmoshgrrl writes:
3, it's pretty and orderly looking.

Dr. K:
Well, yes it is.. except for that intestine lying on the floor. I sense that xmoshgrrl probably has some issues relating back to being forced to clean her room as a child.

Sister Beer writes:
#3. Bad Blood Rocks!

Dr. K:
I'm not surprised to find Sister Beer is a type #3. She clearly "knows her stuff" when it comes to cheese.. however I'm a little concerned about the whole pizza issue.

Sister Kay writes:
Poll: I am really drawn to number 3. It looks like a picture of Skinner. See the bald head, clean eyebrows, and smart red power tie? He looks like he is swinging in an autopsy scale, waiting for Scully to stop working and go play with him.

Dr. K:
Lensie is that you?! (She seems to be able to see Skinner in pretty much every scenario you throw at her.) Well, "Kay," if indeed that is your real name, might I suggest some intensive one-on-one sessions for the next few weeks. In time you may even come to realize the show is about Scully and Mulder.

Sister Vivien writes:
Poll: 3. It looks like mother and child... what can I say.  I am a teacher of young children who also has baby fever!

Dr. K:
Umm. Dr S, you wanna field this one? <La.. surreptitiously nudges Dr S awake>

Dr. S:
Er, take two ProzTacs and call me in the morning.
 

 
3
You see yourself as a martyr. You'll spend hours on your feet doing it all for someone else and then get cranky when the thank yous are slow to come. You are very good at your chosen profession and your keen mind and winning smile will surely catch the eye of that special vampire errrr.. someone. 
Word of advice: 
Pizza tastes better when it has cheese on it!
 
Personality Type: 4

Sister Katherine writes:
I was immediately drawn to number 4, not because of some cosmic thing, but simply because I couldn't stop wondering if it was the Scully ova in Mulder's freezer (you know, the one in the vial wedged behind the Hungry Man dinners and the freezerburned Hot Pockets) I'm still not sure if the little pink dots are freezer burn or... something else.

Dr. S:
What exactly are you suggesting?

Dr. K:
I think she's hinting at little swimmers in little red speedos.

Ron St. Amant writes:
I chose #4. It seemed the most soothing and "centered" of all the designs. And of course the circle reminds me of the Never Again tattoo.

Dr. S:
You're a therapist, too, aren't you? Karen, I think "Doctor" St. Amant is getting into your territory.

Dr. K:
Well, therapist or not, he's obviously a very well-balanced person.. who has excellent taste.

Sister Tracey writes:
# 4 First of all... I love the colors. Hey, the towels in my bathroom are those colors! Secondly, well I don't really have a 2nd reason... I just like the colors.

Dr. S:
While bathrooms can be quite relaxing (especially when the tub is full of bubbles and the phone is turned off), may I suggest that you spend some time in other rooms of the house. You might even consider leaving the house from time to time, especially between now and November 7th.

Dr. K:
Bathrooms are relaxing? You obviously haven't seen Squeeze.. or War of the Coprophages.. or Shapes.. or Piper Maru..  or The List.. or The Host.. or Avatar.. or Excelsis Dei.. or 2Shy.. or Elegy.. or Agua Mala.. or Irresistible.. or Ghost in the Machine... or Syzygy.. or Anasazi.. or Fresh Bones.. or Teso Dos Bichos.. well, you get my point.
 

 
4
People sometimes imagine that you have no sense of adventure, due to your usual poise and professionalism. When you do break out of that pattern, you tend to get carried away. However, when your back is against the wall, you know exactly how to avoid getting your pantyhose in a twist.
 
Personality Type: 5

Charissa writes: 
5 - She's... in... the... bubble bath... ::::THUD::::

Sister Cal writes:
5.  Because it's a timely reminder of TBO's holiday away from the Punk and the time she got to relax in a bubble bath and ditch him! So there.

Sister Phledge writes:
I choose number five:  looks a hell of a lot like the TBO in her Chinga bubble bath, and who could resist that?

Dr. K: 
Clearly this particular group was experiencing a heightened clarity. Perhaps those Meditations for Women Who Do Too Much have been paying off ! ! 

Dr. S:
Yes, and we also recommend our forthcoming book, entitled "Women are From Venus - Punks are from Uranus"

Tina writes:
Choice: #5. Main Reason: I didn't like the other ones Other reasons: - I like the purple/blue color

Dr. K:
I must admit this one had me puzzled since #5 contains no purple. In fact, the only one that does would be #7 (aka Chickadee from Hell). I think it's pretty obvious why you'd be in denial about identifying with that particular personality. Hmm.. Tina in denial.. not unlike another Teena, huh?

Dr S:
Now I'm confused, since isn't there purple in #5 too?  Or is it "cornflower blue" or one of those colors that only those with an Actual Fashion Sense can recognize?

<Dr. K waves her Armani clad arm with a dismissive gesture>
Actually it's periwinkle blue.
 

 
5
Although work is your life, you are slowly learning to stop and smell the occasional roses (and fresh air from convertibles). Now if only you would take the word "dolly" out of your vocabulary, you might actually be able to experience some real New England hospitality. 
 
Personality Type: 6

Amanda (aka Sister Walrus15) writes:
My choice is 6 because it's bold and simple and it doesn't feel crowded and it was the one that really caught my attention first and I just kept going back to it.

Dr. S:
Initial impressions are so important, aren't they? It's as if the first time you met someone face to face and they were riverprancing.... Not that there's anything wrong with that. It would however be quite memorable. 

Dr. K: 
Almost as memorable as meeting your compassionate therapists for the first time.

Sister Jeanne of the Polar Bears writes:
#6 keeps calling my name, and it just won't stop!

Dr. S:
Does it call your name in a girly sort of way?

Dr. K:
Her name is *Jeanne of the Polar Bears?*  < p a u s e >  Her name is *Jeanne of the Polar Bears?!!* 

Carly writes:
I like #6 the best. And now I have to say why?.. um.. lets see, I eliminated the ones I didn't like. Hmmm... I like the colors in #6 black, white and a little bit of red. It looks kind of mysterious like a thief or something.

Dr. S:
Yes, black, white and red certainly was a theme last year. No white shirts in season seven! Can I get an "amen"?

Dr. K:
"aloha"

 
6
Your passionate nature is revealed by occasional hysterical outbursts. At times, small matters upset you greatly, e.g. noticing that someone else is wearing an identical outfit, a gentleman removing his hat at an inappropriate moment, your partner shooting you in the gut during a dream sequence, etc.

 
Personality Type: 7

Dr. K: 
Well, Dr S, all I can say is I am SO relieved our little Abbey is free of this particular disorder.. I mean type. It almost gives me hope that those grueling group sessions are actually working! Who knew?

Dr. S:
Agreed, but eternal vigilance is the price of freedom from Fowl-ness. I suggest we increase the frequency to five group sessions per week, and add a cathartic floatie-bashing component.

Dr. K: 
Good idea. Perhaps even a few aversion therapy sessions. A couple of hours strutting around in a saggy white maidenform should do the trick.

 
7
You are the kind of person who can walk into a room (or show up in an episode) and within five minutes, have everyone plotting your demise. Hey, it's not easy having such a strong personality. You are trustworthy, sort of.. possibly.. or not. You lack the ability to think quickly in a crisis (remember..  assassin + open window = a bad thing) and your unfortunate choice in undergarments can send grown adults running and screaming from the room in terror.
 
 
Personality Type: 8

Roger Ramjet writes:
Number 8. Long cylinder with two globes attached at base... twin floating orbs pushed up high on the page... a black outfit discarded on the floor... all this results in a fuzzy white streamer of an unknown substance, which you really wouldn't want to touch. Hmmmm. Can't really say why I chose it. Must have been the colors

Dr. S:
Is it warm in here or is it just me? Sorry, what were you saying?

<Dr. K reaches over and turns on her desk fan>

Cheryl NBL writes:
The cleverly Freudian pistoning, um, positioning, of the bat, baby!

Dr. S:
Cheryl... sometimes a bat is just a bat.

Dr. K:
And sometimes a home run is...

Sunseeker writes:
#8. I can't put my finger on it, but for some reason this pattern just makes me feel... well, warm and giggly and, um, it makes me think of baseball.

Dr. S:
With a name like Sunseeker, I'm guessing that you too can turn the world on with your smile.

Dr. K:
Possibly even take a nothing day and, oh, I don't know.. <shrug> suddenly make it all seem worthwhile.

SisCelynn writes:
I chose number 8 because it reminded me of the wonderfully soothing (or not) image of Scully "she of the divine WetLegKick" in the bubble bath of "Chinga," and because I couldn't figure out which one was the black bra image. I've already diagnosed myself many times, but your insight would be appreciated.

Dr. S:
I'll let you in on a little secret... they're all black bra images. You just have to use Scullyvision. Or stop taking your meds for a few days.

Dr. K:
How true. In fact, as I recall, the last time Dr. S stopped taking *her* meds, she even saw a black bra in "Travelers." Unfortunately it was being worn by Darren McGavin and she had nightmares for weeks.

Jenny writes:
#8...mmmm... It reminds me of non-fat dairy products and punkboy's ass. I wonder if he ever got that tattoo?

Dr. S:
Dr K, What do you mean you want me to do another personality analysis? And why do I have to do it right now?!  I just spent hours on my feet (because I have no desk), all for you.  I do it all for you, Karen. You know, I haven't eaten since 6:00 this morning, and all that was, was a half a cream cheese bagel, and it wasn't even real cream cheese, it was a non-fat dairy product.  And now you want me to run off and do another personality analysis? 

Dr. K: 
Don't you touch that desk!
 

 
8
Despite your natural athleticism, you can cheerfully accept coaching when engaged in an unfamiliar activity. Though you normally prefer non-contact sports, you can deliver the occasional flying porno nurse kick when a situation calls for it.
 
Personality Type: 9

Dr. K: 
Oh it is indeed a sad cruel day when it must be revealed that there are those amongst the sibliren who identify more with the WHPBD than with TBO. IMHO that's just wrong wrong wrong? Right? 

Dr S:
ITA!

SpicedRum writes:
Number 9. Why?  It looks like a fleeing terrorist that could be run down and tackled while wearing three inch heels, something I aspire to be able to do someday. Scully willing. (The Number 5/Chinga bubble bath picture was a close second.)

Dr. K: 
Deah gott! It's just as we suspected! SpicedRum has a multiple personality disorder. Sadly it seems that "Barbie" has taken over as the dominant personality, while Barb's left behind in the background, babbling about bubbles (and rubber baby buggy bumpers). 

Dr S:
Not that La.., I mean *Dr K* would have any sort of first hand knowledge of multiple personality disorders. Nope. None at all.

Ann Kuykendall writes:
Poll: No. 9 is my favorite cause Blue is my favorite color which is a prominent color in that picture and it seems to be a person clothed in black with strong powerful rays emanating from her or him.  This picture could be symbolistic of St. Scully.

Dr. K: 
Actually it's symbolic of the Anti-Scully. As shocking as it may be, there is the RARE occasion when a person clothed in black can actually be prancy. <gasp>

Dr S: 
<handing "Dr. K" an asthma inhaler>
There there there there there.

Sis "10 Seconds" Tammy Perpetua writes:
Number 9. Because it appears this apparition, drawing, concoction, or whatever it is dancing. But, dancing among wild colors and sharp edges and pointy lines. Kinda like life, you know?

Dr. K: 
In other words, Tammy lives to prance. You read it here folks!

Dr S: 
Your ten seconds are up.

 
9

"I prance, therefore I am"

 

Well. This is the spot in the newsletter where my fanfic recommendations would go. If I'd had any time to read fanfic this month that is. I'm afraid all the Abbey renovations have kept me too busy this month, but until I get back on track next month you can find some great stuff at those sites listed on the right. See you in October!
For a great fanfiction archive, check out our own Sister Shari's Chronicle X at:

 

http://chroniclex.simplenet.com

Jill Selby runs a Scullycentric fanfiction mailing list. For more information on how to join it go to:
http://members.sockets.net/

 

~msselby/faq.txt

 
The New OBSSE Webring
By Sister Sonya

(Editor's Note - One of the many changes made around the Order this month is a new webring. We'd like to take this opportunity to thank Sister Stacey for administrating the old one and Sister Sonya for volunteering to take over the duties.)

We're looking for a few good nuns / brothers - with a few good web sites. Do you think you have what it takes to be a member of the OBSSE Webring? The OBSSE Webring is the official webring of the Order and contains all the important Abbey related web sites. The criteria for joining are simple.

1. You must be a member of the order.
2. You must have a site that is OBSSE related. This means your site needs to be about the Abbey or the OBSSE community.

If you think you make the cut, then point your browser to
http://members.fcc.net/griffin/obssewebring.html and apply today. The Elders will then peruse your site and make a final determination as to whether or not your page is appropriate. If everything checks out, I'll be helping you with the HTML code and your site will be on the circuit for those who want to surf the ring.

Summer of Scullynemia
by Jennifer-Oksana, Beadslut

The summer of 1999.  It was hot, humid, and horrific. The Gap and Old Navy continued their reign of terror in commercials meant to numb the mind and chill the blood. The real "Phantom Menace" was Jar-Jar "Insert Your Own Joke Here" Binks. Tony Gwynn made his 3,000th hit in front of a crowd about the size of an average showing of The Blair Witch Project. But for Scullyists, the summer didn't belong to cheap mockumentaries about scary bundles of sticks, or CGI-don'ts. The summer belonged to Scullynemia, that dread disease of diseases. To watch your friends succumb until there was nothing left to do except hook up a lard Thorazine drip and leave "Bad Blood" and "Memento Mori" running continuously and know you could be next-- that was even scarier than all that whispering in The Sixth Sense.

The slowly maddening Scullyists wondered-- is there hope? With two months left before the premiere, can we survive? Of course, grasshopper. All it takes is a little ingenuity. Here at the OBSSE Abbey, we're doing our best to keep our people from turning vegetable-esque and muttering, stunned, "Fowley-- bra-- Fowley-- bra--" and so here to ease your soul, Scullynemia survival methods.

Jennifer-Oksana's Top Five Survival Techniques
(better than Heather Donahue's, I can tell you that much!)

1. Have a party, or as we call it in the OBSSE, a "gathering" or "fest."  Said party must include many sacred (or not-so-sacred) libations, your favorite Scully-eps, perhaps bloopers or whatever you may or may NOT
have, and enough people to play such excellent games as, "Good or Bad
Character Hair" or "Who's Doing It and When in that Episode?" or any
number of others. Note: leave your foibles, scruples, and anything else
that will get in the way of a good perv, at the door. It's not about your personal dignity.

2. If you're a big Gillian Anderson fan in general, get thee to a video store! The Mighty, Playing by Heart, Hellcab, and if you're really really desperate, The Turning (not recommended by this writer here) are at your local Blockbuster. Or, you could go the cheap route and find a friend with a copy of Extremis. And though it's so close to the premiere, it's almost a moot point, the Princess Mononoke comes out in October. Justify that one by saying that you've always loved anime, and besides, Neil Gaiman wrote the English script.
3.Go crafty. Show your devotion by putting your hands to work. To maintain my sanity, I made a variation on a real rosary and decided it was my "Rosary of the Seven Seasons" of Scully, and I also made a scrapbook of all my Scullyistic adventures this summer. Of course, you could also make tapes of your favorite "Scully songs" and play them constantly. Or you could make a website  or collage devoted to our favorite Saint,  diverting your attention from the fact Chris Carter and his wretched flunkies are working on the show RIGHT NOW, but when do YOU get to see it? That's right. November. (See? It's getting to everyone!)

4. Get a life-- at least temporarily. Yes, it's genuinely bogus that the X-Files hiatus is long enough for viewers to conceive and bear a child in. But facts remain facts, and November 7th is still two months away. So why not settle for a life in the interim? What new theory can you come up with in the "Never Again" debate, except for possibly the "crotchless nylons" theory? 

But before you merrily try to skip out of the Land of the Focused, realize it's difficult. So justify it by saying "Scully would do/read/see/behave this way." After all, don't you think that Scully would absolutely love learning the piano? Or re-reading all of David Eddings' Belgariad books again? Or seeing The Sixth Sense? Or even-- going out with her significant other?

5.In case none of the above work for you, or if you hit mid-October and your brain goes tilt, might I suggest the 72-hour Scullynemia kit? After all, if we need them for hurricanes and earthquakes, we need them for Scullynemia, dammit!

Kit Includes:
 

At least two (2) commercial free, SP-quality taped episodes of your choosing that you will never ever tire of, no matter what your mood.
Plain yogurt and a small packet of bee pollen. Okay, chocolate, and enough Scullyritas to last you through the emergency (remember you need about a gallon a day of water, so you do your own math in this situation).
A picture of Scully or the EI, preferably smiling, though if you go for the British Cosmo or Movieline pics, I'm not blaming you.
Optional: Print-outs or saved copies of favorite OBSSE mailing list posts, URLs to your favorite Scully sites, print-outs of your favorite Scullycentric fanfiction, tapes of the EI on talk shows, more episodes, scripts, or whatever you need to survive until that red-circled date of November 7th.

By using the above-mentioned methods, you should be able to lessen your Scullynemia and Scullynemic tendencies, thus combating this most dread
disease in its most deadly months. Remember, it's never too late, unless
you've already gotten that signed picture of Mimi Rogers, and then, well,
it is. But don't let the summer belong to Scullynemia. You can survive. I
have faith in all of you.















Thanks to the Jar-Jargonizer, we know how Biogenesis would sound if Jar-Jar had played Scully :
 

From space, it seems abstraction.. magician's trick on darkena stage. an' from this distance one might nev-a imagine that it alive.  It first appeara in the sea almost four billion years ago in the form of single-cella life.  In boom-a-boom of life spann'in millions of years nature's first multicellular organisms began to multiply... and then it stoppa.
 
440 million years ago, great mass extinction would pound to death off nearly every species on the planet leav'in the vast oceans decimata an' empty. Slowly plants began to evolve, then insects only to be wiped out in the second great mass extinction upon the earth.  The cycle would be repeata three more times.  Reptiles emerg'in, independent of the sea only to be pounda to death off.  Then rancors, struggl'in to life along with the first mynoks gooba fish an' flow-a'in plants their decimations earth's fourth an' fifth great extinctions. 
 
Only 100,000 years ago, Homo Sapiens appear-- man. From cave paint'ins to the bible to Columbus to Apollo 11, wee-sa tireless force upon the earth an' off catalogu'in the natural world as it unfolds to us. Ris'in to world population of over five billion Gungans all descenda from that original single cell all from that first spark of life. But for all our knowledge, what no one can say for certain what or who ignita that original spark. isa there plan, purpose or reason to our existence?  wee-sa pass, as those before us, into oblivion into the sixth extinction that scientists warn already in progress?  Or the mystery be reveala through sign, symbol, revelation?
 
---
 
It began with act of supreme violence..  maxi-big bang expand'in ever outward.. cosmos born of matt-a an' gas, matt-a an' gas ten billion years ago. 
 
How rude. 
 
Whose idea was this?  Who had the audacity for such invention?  an' the reason?  Were wee-sa part of that plan ten billion years ago?  wee-sa born only to die?  To be fruitful an' multiply an' replenish the earth before giv'in way to our generations?  If there beginn'in, must there be end? 
 
Wee-sa burn like fires in our time only to be ext'inuisha.  To surrend-a to the elements' eternal reclaim.  Matt-a an' gas... this all end one day?  Life no long-a pass'in to life, the earth left barren like the stars above like the cosmos?  the hand that lit the flame let it burn down?  Let it burn out?  Could wee-sa, too, become extinct?  Or if this fire of life liv'in inside us meant to go on, who decides?  Who tends the flames?   Can He reignite the spark even as it grows cold an' weak?

 


The Emmy Awards air Sunday, September 12th on the FOX network

In September of 1997, a small group of faithful followers of Her Blessed Pantsuitedness gathered in front of the television on Emmy night in the Holy City of Vancouver (see Oct. '97 newsletter).  On that night, while they were noshing spaghetti with meatballs and tipping 'ritas, Gillian Anderson won the Emmy for best actress in a drama series.

And so a tradition was born.

After all, it worked once and that's all it takes for us to become cult-like
ritual-dependent ... er... that is... become spiritually devout.

Thanks to Sister Kristin, who test drove the following recipe a few weeks
ago, Ms. Anderson happened to win the VQT award the very next day.  For your Emmy night enjoyment, here is her meatball recipe followed by Holmes FF's tried and true sauce.

Sister Kristin's Blessed Award-Invoking Meatballs

2 pounds ground beef
1 egg
1 small chopped onion
1 tablespoon parsley flakes
1 teaspoon oregano
1/4 cup Parmesan cheese, grated
Salt, pepper

Mix and form into balls.  They can be cooked in a sauce (should be in
the cooking sauce for about two hours), or they can be pan fried.

Holmes FF's Sacramental Sauce of All the Prizes

2 tablespoons olive oil
1/4 cup tomato paste
2-1/2 cups peeled & chopped, fresh or canned tomatoes
1 carrot, grated, or 1 teaspoon sugar
1/2 teaspoon freshly ground pepper
1 tablespoon basil, crumbled
1 tablespoon oregano
5 tablespoons butter
Spice Islands Italian Herb Seasoning to taste
Salt to taste

Heat oil in heavy-bottomed saucepan.  Stir in tomato paste, tomatoes, carrot, pepper, basil and oregano.  Simmer 30 minutes.  If sauce becomes too thick, add a little water.  Cook 15 minutes more, then stir in the butter and salt, and serve with hot cooked pasta.  Makes four cups.


 
 
 
 

DAVE FOX'S LEFT-HANDED SPAGHETTI SAUCE RECIPE:

1. Hold jar firmly in right hand.

2. Grasp lid with left hand.

3. Twist.

4. Pour sauce into microwave dish.

5. Heat.
 

SCULLY Crafts:

Make your own "Never Again" tattoo
by Sister Exsanguinate

I've only been here a year now, but I've begun noticing something. Despite the number of different opinions on what The Blessed One did (or didn't?) do in the episode "Never Again," one thing seems to transcend any mere 
pantyhose debate.

*Everyone* likes that tattoo!

I've seen Sisters who already have the same design as She Who Makes Pain-Induced Hyperventilation Seem Like So Much Fun, I've spoken to Sisters who *want* the image of the tail-swallowing snake (officially known as an "ouroborous") subcutaneously implanted on their lumbar regions.

But not all of us can follow TBO's example, for various reasons. There is, first of all, the cost. A good tattooist can cost you $50 an hour or more. Then there's the pain. Not everyone will enjoy getting needled as much as St. Scully did. And finally, not all of our Abbey-dwellers are of tattooing age, so, what to do?

Henna! Henna looks great and it's only SEMI-permanent. And it's totally 
pain-free.

How to make your own henna (the long and involved way)

You will need:

  • 1/3 cup of red henna powder (available in natural food stores and Middle Eastern grocery stores)
  • 1/4 cup of strong black tea or coffee
  • A few squirts of lemon or lime juice
  • 20 drops of eucalyptus oil (available in health food stores)
  • A 2-foot long strip of toilet paper
  • The same amount of plastic wrap
  • Loose-fitting pants (usually the hardest ingredient to find)
  • A glass jar
  • A bit of lemon juice and sugar mixed together, and a small paintbrush
  • An oral syringe with the curved tip cut off (leave the straight part)
  • The ouroborous pattern (see right)
  • Several hours
First, you sift the henna, although if you don't feel like wrecking a good strainer (henna is NOT edible so don't use utensils you plan to eat or cook with later) you can omit this step. Then mix in the eucalyptus oil, tea or coffee, and lime juice. Mix these all together. The henna should feel like thick cake frosting or toothpaste-- but it should not be dry, in fact it should be just a tiny bit wetter than you want it to be.

Then leave the henna out overnight to ferment. The excess water will 
evaporate.

How to make your own henna (the short way)

You can buy one of those pre-made "mehndi" kits with all the henna goo and oil all sorted out already, they're a bit pricier but if you're not able to find all the ingredients separately, one of these kits should do the trick.

How to apply the design

Next, put on the loose pants and roll them up to past whatever point it is that you're going to be applying the henna. I find that the inside of the calf and ankle works because you can easily see what you're doing, unlike your lower back. Of course, once you get the process nailed, you can teach someone else and THEY can do YOUR back. The foot is not a good place to do this particular pattern, unless you plan on sitting perfectly still for several hours--if you try to walk around, the henna will shift and the pattern gets all smudgy.

Print out the simplified ouroborous pattern. If you're good at freehand, you can just draw it onto yourself, or you can cut out the pattern like a stencil and and stick it on yourself. To do the stencil, you want to cut out the lines of the pattern-- these need to be open in the stencil so the henna can fill them in. You will end up with little scraps of paper from between the lines; try to save these and put them in their proper places in the stencil. If you can trace the whole darn thing onto contact paper, it makes it that much easier to just stick the pattern down onto yourself.

Then put the henna paste into the oral syringe and practice on a piece of paper until you are able to make a consistent line. After that, simply draw over the pattern on yourself with the henna. (Mop up any drips or goofs with a damp bit of toilet paper after the pattern has set a bit.)

Wait. About 15 minutes. Or however long it takes for the henna to "set." It will become a bit darker green in hue and seem stiffer. At this point, carefully brush on just enough of the lemon/sugar mixture to dampen the henna. If it drips, wipe the drips, otherwise they'll give your tattoo a blurry edge. Then let the juice dry. When you can't see any more wet spots on the henna, carefully wrap the toilet paper around your leg. (Be careful not to dislodge the henna!) Then tape it down. After that, wrap the plastic wrap around the toilet paper and tape THAT down well. Then simply ignore it for about 8 hours. You can even sleep on it, if you have to, and it won't smudge.

Later, or in the morning, whichever you choose, just unwrap your leg, carefully scrape off the dried henna with something thin and flat (a dull knife blade, a credit card, your fingernails, whatever) and rub the design with coconut, olive, or corn oil. Whatever you've got in the kitchen... and presto! Your very own ouroborous!


 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

The OBSSEwood Minute
By Sister Autumn

Gillian Anderson's summer project, "House of Mirth" has wrapped filming, and the buzz thus far is very good. Hopefully the Terence Davies directed adaptation of Edith Wharton's novel will find a distributor at next year's Cannes film festival, otherwise look for it on Showtime sometime next year.

1013 has to be steaming over a FOX Interoffice memo that leaked detailing the first seven episodes of season seven. Plot descriptions as well as production information were all part of this "not for discussion outside of FOX" memo. I won't divulge the spoilers that can be found easily on the X-Files web spoiler sites, but we do have an episode name/writer/director/air date update.

7X01 - "Hungry" w: Vince Gilligan d: Kim Manners (12/5/99)
7X02 - "The Goldberg Variation" w: Jeff Bell d: Tom Wright (11/21/99)
7X03 - "6th Extinction" w: Carter & Spotnitz d: Manners (11/7/99)
7X04 - "Untitled" w: Carter & Spotnitz d: Michael Watkins (11/14/99)
7X05 - "Untitled" w: unknown  d: Wright (unknown)
7X06 - "Untitled" w: David Amann d: Rob Lieberman (12/12/88)
7X07 - "Untitled" w: Chip Johannessen d: Cliff Boles (12/19/99)
       * This looks like the Scully fans' Christmas present

Season eight of the X-Files seems more and more unlikely due to that little 25 million dollar lawsuit that Duchovny filed against FOX. So those of you who are holding out hope, it's best to start emotionally preparing yourselves for the end. 

The X-Files Emmy hopes lay with Gillian Anderson now that the technical Emmys have been given out and the show landed only one of its seven nominations in those categories. They took home the award for the makeup in the "Two Fathers"/"One Son" episodes. I guess all that ripping off of faces was good for someone.

Gillian's other new film (an animated release in which she provides voice work), Princess Mononoke, is doing the film festival route this month. The current schedule is (official release is set for October 29th):

Sept. 9 -18, 1999 - Toronto Film Festival
Sept. 26, 1999 - New York Film Festival
Sept. 30, 1999 - UCLA Film & TV Archive


 
 


 
 






















The Abbey Creed
By Sister Beer

I believe in Mother Margaret, Most Holy,
Creator of the Sacred Scully Home
And in St. Scully,
Her remaining daughter, Our Saint
Who was conceived on leave one Spring
Born to Mother Margaret
Suffered under a secret agenda
Was abducted, stripped of ova and returned
after four weeks, or maybe it was eight
She was back kicking asses
and taking names
All without the benefit of a desk.
I trust St. Scully to judge the living and the dead, for
I believe in the Holy Mother Margaret,
my protector, St. Scully,
the nuns of the OBSSE,
the forgiveness of sins...
paying special attention to those of the flesh, just in case any of 'em
might happen to Beloved St. Scully some day.

Amen.


Final Curtain Call
      By a tearful Sister Aderyn

Ma Scully, where have you been all year?
Dammit, get your ass down to LA I cheer.
You're needed to *up* the angst, woe, and female bonding.
To see your age-defying face I am surely longing.

Ma Scully, will you ever return to XF?
Afraid that 1013 will kill you off?
Fear not, the Scully family curse you will certainly avoid.
'Cause if CC even thinks about messing with you, nobody will stop me from being the one that throws the switch and gasses him out of this life for good, that son of a bitch. 

Ma Scully, are you listening? I said get back to XF *NOW*;
Our Saint melts a little when you're around.
Still embarrassed about raising that twit Bill Junior?
We all make mistakes dear; you're forgiven by this OBSSEsor.

Ma Scully, enough already with this extended sabbatical -
Your presence for a *good* Scullyangst ep' is crucial.
Time is short, the final season airs this Fall.
Mother Margaret, this is your final curtain call.


Margaret Scully's Lot is Not a Happy One
      (apologies to Gilbert and Sullivan)
      By Sister Skullhead

She's the Holy Mother of our blessed Dana
And her life so far has not been very fun
In the count of episodes that aim to pain her
She is second only to The Blessed One.

Season one, poor Mags becomes a single mother:
In "Beyond the Sea", her husband's life is done.
I'll take one consideration with another,
Margaret Scully's lot is not a happy one.
When those freakin' mytharc episodes are done, 'sodes are done,
Margaret Scully's lot is not a happy one.

Season two: her daughter Dana disappears, and
She is gone three months, and Maggie thinks she's dead.
Then she turns up, and then Mulder interferes, and
She revives, except a chip is in her head.

Now, another family tragedy for Mother:
Poor Melissa's brains are blown out with a gun.
I'll take one consideration with another,
Margaret Scully's lot is not a happy one.
When those freakin' mytharc episodes are done, 'sodes are done,
Margaret Scully's lot is not a happy one.

Now guess what? Poor Dana gets a nasty tumor
In her head, and Maggie's really really sad.
Mulder has to find a microchip real soon, or
Scully's gonna join her sister and her dad.

Phew, another tragic death is spared poor Mother
But we know that it was really close, that one.
I'll take one consideration with another,
Margaret Scully's lot is not a happy one.
When those freakin' mytharc episodes are done, 'sodes are done,
Margaret Scully's lot is not a happy one.

Season five: "Hey Mom, guess what, I've got a daughter!
Except, hmmm, I don't remember giving birth."
But soon Emily's the victim of a slaughter
And an empty coffin's buried in the earth.

Maggie's family is all dying, our poor Mother,
All except for Bill, her darling older son,
I'll take one consideration with another,
Margaret Scully's lot is not a happy one.
When those freakin' mytharc episodes are done, 'sodes are done,
Margaret Scully's lot is not a happy one.

All of us here at the Order of St. Scully
Think our Holy Mother needs a rest from pain,
And if Carter throws her in a ditch or gully,
We will use a nameplate to extract his brain.

Join me in a prayer for our most Holy Mother,
"May the season end so she can have some fun."
When our heroes save the earth and wed each other
Margaret Scully's lot will be a happy one.
When the episodes of "X-Files" are all done, are all done,
Margaret Scully's lot will be a happy one.

 
I'm not sure exactly where I got my drive and perseverance-- perhaps my father, an entrepreneur and perfectionist-- but it began at an early age. At school, I would always take on the most challenging projects, sometimes to the degree that I would lose interest before they were completed. I have since learned to keep my goals realistic, and to only take on tasks which I know I can complete. 
 
One project I did follow through on and which, consequently, was empowering and inspiring for me was directing a play in high school. I have no idea what compelled me to take on the challenge but I did it and I did it all. I directed it, produced it, built the sets, and designed the programs on my father's computer. 
 
It was so much fun and the experience awakened me to the knowledge that I could do anything I set my mind to. I believe this of everyone. I believe from the bottom of my heart that there is nothing we as human beings, and especially we as women cannot tackle. It is not a matter of being fearless. The fear is sometimes constant but it's about moving forward regardless of the fear. Courage means feeling the fear and doing it anyway. 
 
One of my only role models as a young woman was Meryl Streep and, specifically, her character in Out of Africa. I would watch the movie whenever I needed inspiration because Ms. Streep so brilliantly portrayed an incredibly courageous woman who stands alone to save her plantation. Her performance and the strength of her character were tangible examples of how I wanted to be in the world, and I soaked it in and learned from her experience. 
 
Which brings me to The X-Files. When I was cast as Special Agent Dana Scully, I had no idea what I was doing or what I was getting myself into-- I was terrified. But I knew there was one thing I could rely on, and that was that I felt I knew how to act, and that I would be robbing myself of an incredible experience if I didn't just jump in head first. So I did. And let me tell you, every single minute of every day we shot the pilot episode, I was convinced they were going to fire me. I even started to question my talent which made it even scarier. 
 
Fortunately, with the love and support of a close friend who kept convincing me to just show up and do the best that I could do, I hung in there. And I survived! I didn't know anything about acting in front of a camera but I learned. I learned to trust my instincts and commit fully to my choices, that there are no wrong decisions and that even "bad" decisions aren't fatal. 
 
I have been so blessed to portray such a phenomenal woman as Dana Scully. She has taught me about strength and self-worth and personal power. In early episodes, when I was called upon to address large groups of male FBI agents with authority and self assurance, I felt so scared and weak that my voice would come out high-pitched and shaky. But the more I "acted as if" I was self-assured, the more I felt powerful. And believe it or not, it can be that simple. 
 
"Acting as if" is sometimes all it takes to empower oneself, and I have learned to carry this into other areas of my life. When meeting with high-powered directors and producers, or presenting an award at an award ceremony, or doing a talk show; I act as if I am a strong, capable, worthy woman of power. And the more I do this, the more people listen to what I have to say and value my opinion. 
 
Another tool that has been invaluable to me during high-stress situations is prayer. Praying to something greater than myself, whether it's a God or a role model or the ocean, is an immensely empowering device. Just getting quiet for a few moments before the event and asking for guidance and strength in the room; and if you can actually visualize yourself walking into the room as you would like to be, and visualize everything turning out exactly the
way you would like to turn out-- you will be amazed at how different you feel. And don't get discouraged. The more practice you have doing this the stronger you will feel, and the more powerful you will find the results. 
 
Another miraculous result of playing Scully has been all the incredible young women I have been blessed to meet along the way-- women who have shared that they have received strength from Scully, that because of Scully's strength they have been afraid but done it anyway. These have been women from all walks of life: women from low-income neighborhoods who have persevered despite all odds to study hard and pursue their dreams, enabling them to enter into better schools and work environments; women who have illness and physical challenges who have gotten better and stronger because they believe they can. I truly believe that we can overcome any hurdle that lies before us and create the life we want to live. I have seen it happen time and time again. 
 
Now before I get off my soapbox, I want to talk about two other areas I feel important in the life of a powerful woman. 
 
Never lie no matter what the situation. There is no predicament you could ever find yourself in that is worth lying. We need to be responsible for our actions and the only way to live this and learn it is to tell the truth. Other people will then learn that we are trustworthy, and trust is essential in any relationship, business or personal. 
 
Be of service. Whether you make yourself available to a friend or co-worker, or you make time every month to do volunteer work, there is nothing that harvests more of a feeling of empowerment than being of service to someone in need. 
 
Okay, I think I've said everything I want to say. Just remember, you can do anything you set your mind to, but it takes action, perseverance, and facing your fears. 
 
Be courageous, believe in yourself, and be the best woman you can be. I'm with you all the way. 
 
--Gillian Anderson (From "Girl Boss")
The X-Files is owned by FOX. No copyright infringement is intended. The OBSSE and News for the OBSSEsed are intended for entertainment purposes only. In other words, it's a joke folks. Thanks to all who contributed this month. All articles and columns appearing in News for the OBSSEsed are copyrighted to the authors.