I'm sitting on the edge of my seat, Sisters and Brothers. Why, you ask? Is it perchance in anticipation of the Emmy Awards on September 14? No (although I wouldn't miss Gillian Anderson's Emmy Award acceptance speech for the world!). Is it because the XF movie has pretty much wrapped filming? Nope, although I'm glad they're back in the TV series making business again. Is it on account of the fact that the XF season premiere is fast approaching? Ha! Get real.

Nope. The real reason I'm on the edge, biting my nails, quivering with anticipation (you've seen Rocky Horror, haven't you?), is due to the fact that...

I'm going to Vancouver!!!

Yes, you heard it (well, "read" it) correctly. I am making the pilgrimage to the Holy City itself... the Shrine of St. Scully... the Mecca of X-Philedom, etc., etc. About 10 of us from around the U.S. and at least one from outside the country are all meeting in Vancouver in mid-September to commune over all things "X" and to simply enjoy one another's company. I am bunking in with OBSSE Co-Leader Sister Autumn herself (who I only recently met--see story below) and getting ready for what I anticipate to be one of the most unusual but wonderful adventures of my life (considering that I'm flying across my country to another country to meet and virtually live with 10 people I have never met before or barely know). Cyberspace does have its quirks, doesn't it?

Needless to say, expect a FULL ON THE SPOT REPORT in next month's, "News for the OBSSEsed." Until then, I hope you will enjoy this month's bastion of bodacious Scullyness, including a run down on the "meeting of the OBSSE Elders," how to make your own "Scullyrita," a new column by Sister Autumn on OBSSE fanfic picks, the latest updates on the XF movie and season five, a report on the first ever OBSSE chat, and more, always more.

Until then, be safe and say a little prayer (or whatever) for Gillian and the XF cast and crew to take home all the winged golden statues they can haul off at the Emmys.

Yours in St. Scully,

Sister Nancy (no clever sig)

P.S. Please note that I (and thus the OBSSE) have changed my e-mail address. Feel free to write to me at: jncotton@mindspring.com. 

The planets were aligned. The forces of nature were with us. And most importantly of all (and purely by coincidence...), it was Gillian Anderson's birthday.

On August 9, OBSSE leaders Sisters Nancy (no clever sig) Cotton and Autumn Tysko had the delightful opportunity to meet face-to-face for the first time. The historic event occurred in Austin, Texas, hot as heck but happy home of the Reverend Mother. Joining them for the momentous occasion were Sister Mary Nancy and Jennifer Rose Hale (who is so bright and clever, we don't know why she hasn't joined our happy group of wimple wearing women and men, but we're still working on her). The day's festivities began at Threadgill's restaurant, home of some of the best food in the U.S., a favorite venue of the late but still great Janis Joplin, and co-owned by Renee O'Connor's (Xena's, "Gabrielle") mom. After a hearty lunch of pork, mashed potatoes, chicken fried chicken, and some gross thing that Sister Mary Nancy ate, it was off to the wilds of suburbia (i.e., Sister Nancy's house) for an afternoon of chatting, blooper reel viewing, Shiner Bock beer drinking, and listening to GA's southern accent in "The Turning." Could it really get any better than this?

Yes.

For the best was yet to come! The Order's most sacred ceremony--the drinking of the Holy Scullyrita--was next on our agenda. After a few moments of prayer and meditation (and dropping off the kids at grandma's house), we (sans Jennifer but now joined by Sister Nancy's husband, Jim) headed to South Austin--Hank Hill country--to pay respect to the Holy OBSSE Meeting Ground: Chuy's Comida Deluxe Restaurant on Barton Springs Road. It took us but a minute to order (and down) the "Sacred Scully Swirl," a delightful blending of Margarita and strawberry. Of course, no OBSSE communion would be complete without a basket of tortilla chips...I mean..."wafers" topped with homemade salsa. Mmmm....

Suffice it to say that the meeting of the OBSSE elders was a success. No hitting or name calling occurred, only laughter and good conversation. To "mark the moment," we've provided these EXCLUSIVE photos of the historic event for the Sisters' and Brothers' viewing pleasure. Please note how the smiles intensify as the sipping of Swirls continued. Oh, and for those of you who may not know what we look like, I, Sister Nancy (no clever sig), am the "annoying blonde." (That's another one for you Xena fans!)

Finally, a few folks who have seen these photos have inquired as to the dominance of the color "red" in the pictures: my shirt, the glasses, the swirls...our eyes. It seems that everything was red---a little *too* red. My theory? I believe the Enigmatic Light of St. Scully was shining within and around us. After all, who do you *really* think took the photos? 

On August 15, the OBSSE broke new cyber ground with our first ever "OBSSE Chat Night." About 20-25 Sisters and Brothers dropped in on our virtual gathering, where Sister Autumn kept us riveted (taunted and teased us was more like it!) with her dramatic "reading" of the original script to "Never Again." Whew! Thank goodness Brother Finwe and several other wonderful OBSSE members kept the frozen margaritas coming. After that discussion, we all needed a cold shower...I mean...a cool drink. Yeah.

All OBSSE members (and guests) are welcome to attend the OBSSE Chat Night, Fridays, at 9 p.m. Central Time on IRC server us.chatnet.org on channel #obsse. The channel is open all the time, so schedule some time with your OBSSE Brothers and Sisters and stop in and commune.

In other Sanctuary news, Dan Perez, staff writer for Sci Fi Universe magazine, dropped me a note to let me know that he intended to use at least one of the OBSSE's comments in an article on X-File fans' favorite episodes. The article is scheduled to appear in the October/November issue of Sci Fi Universe published by Sovereign Media and should be available on newsstands around the last week of September. I had sent Dan a list of the OBSSE Top 10 episodes, which I calculated by using the feedback members give us when they join the Order. The quote (if it isn't edited out, I know how these things work, ya know) will probably mention only one or two OBSSE favorites. However, a complete article on the OBSSE's Top 10 episodes will appear in next month's, "News for the OBSSEsed." 

Well dear Brothers and Sisters, this is once again an action-packed column. It seems these long summer months are causing many a crisis amongst our ranks. As usual, I will do my best to help the confused without confusing myself, which is, of course, quite easy...confusing myself that is. I think that's what I meant. Anyway, should you too suffer a problem of great magnitude, please do not hesitate to confide in me at Ask Sister Autumn. I promise to only share it with hundreds of our closest friends.

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Dear Sister Autumn,

I missed seeing the first season of The X-Files due to my previous residence in Europe. Since then, I've caught up on all but two episodes. Most unfortunately, one of the eps I'm missing is that great Scullycentric episode, "Lazarus." I'm desperate to find a copy, and I know this is copyright infringement, but I've convinced myself that it's 'fair use.' (See what a college education does for you?) Do you know of anyone that can help me? I keep missing out on all the Jack Willis stuff.

Yours in St. Scully,
humble postulant,
sister loa
----------

Goodness Gracious Sister Loa! You've given me my first legal question (and here there are those who thought I was only good for fashion or trivia).

Though not a lawyer, I've seen them played on TV. Also, I did watch a lot of "L.A. Law" as well as being on the high school debate team, so I'm sure that I am qualified to answer this one for you. Plus, I practiced saying "Objection" really loud and forceful a whole bunch before typing this.

Article One: Let's be honest here. First exhibit, we all tape the X-Files. Whew! That dirty little secret is now out. We actually use said video cassette recorders to record. Imagine that. Second exhibit, were FOX to release *all* the episodes on tape in the US as they have done in Japan and Europe (no doubt immediately after you left - in fact I think they planned it that way) we'd all buy them. However, seeing as though the party of the FOX refuses to give the parties of the Philes (Hey, that sounds like fun!) that pleasure, a fan's gotta do what a fan's gotta do. Luckily, the point in question is moot, as "Lazarus" will be shown on FX September 11th. Though I will say I've never been that thrilled with the episode. Sure, it has a few great Scully moments (after all Gillian Anderson is in it), but for the most part, I just couldn't see the Scully / Jack Willis thing. (I just kept thinking...what is the word I'm looking for..oh I know: "ICK!") And she spends most of the episode handcuffed to a radiator. Let's just say I know, "Beyond the Sea." "Beyond the Sea" is a friend of mine. And this episode is no, "Beyond the Sea."

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Dear Sister Autumn,

I am humbled to admit that during these long, dreary days of hiatus, I seem to be suffering a certain "crise d'esprit"...a moral turpitude...a weakening of my Faith (or rather, my faith).

Whereas I used to wake up suddenly in the morning and grab quickly-competently-yet-oddly-seductively (a la "Humbug") for my revolver (until I realized that I don't have one - I was threatening my dog with the bedside telephone extension), bound energetically out of bed, jump eagerly into my muted natural-fiber pantsuit, grab my cell phone, and trot eagerly to my lab, now I keep forgetting to pick up my suits from the cleaners. I have been seen, not once but frequently, in Teva sandals. I have called in sick when I was actually fine. (Mulder, dammit I'm fine! ) I got a tan.

Forgive me Sisters, for I have sinned.

(In my defense, dear Sistren, I plead that showing, "Unrequited," "DPO," and "El Mundo Sucko" is not exactly destined to shore up my weakening spirit....)

What can I do? Please lead me, dear Sister, for I am sorely tried.

Humbly,
Sister Lens-of-Science
----------

Sister Lens,

I've had those moments of moral turpentine myself occasionally - though I never have threatened my cats with the phone. You see, even though I could get the "competently" and "oddly" parts down, the "quickly" and "seductively" have always eluded me. I have, however, had my robe gap before, so I guess all is not lost. But enough about me (for now that is). The point being, dear Sister Lens, is that from your descriptions of your previous, quite commendable, and professionally competent accomplishments, I think this whole Teva/tan thing is a temporary anomaly. In fact, I think you may be projecting for the Blessed One. No one wants St. Scully to be happy more than we here in the Order, and we know how desperately the poor girl needs a vacation. A wonderful beach vacation surrounded by blender drinks and handsome men who appreciate her many, many charms. Perhaps, rather than a sin, this phase you are going through is your attempt to make up for our poor Saint's woeful condition of late. I think you may have a gift. So, I say. Tan on! The summer will leave us soon enough, and the time will come to turn to serious things.

----------
Dear Sister Autumn,

Recently, a question has been nagging at the back of my normally devoted mind. During a marathon re-watching of certain X-Files episodes--specifically "Fire," "War of the Coprophages," and "Syzygy"--with a newly converted friend, the question of St. Scully's attitude towards the Punkish One's romantic encounters came up. My friend commented, "Are you sure she doesn't have a thing for him, cause she sure is acting jealous whenever some other woman shows up?" I tried to explain to this individual the complex dynamics between the Blessed One and her partner, but I must confess that inwardly, I was faltering. In the light of my friend's observations and the bulk of evidence--Phoebe Green, Bambi Berenbaum, Angela White--I had to admit that St.Scully's behavior was difficult to reconcile.

Sister Autumn, I have sought for some explanation that might enable me to come to a deeper understanding of St. Scully's behavior, but I have been unable to do so. I hope that you might be able to ease my troubled mind.

Yours in the radiant light of The Blessed One,
Sister Kim P.
----------

Sister Kim P.,

We are lucky to have an answer to this question available from the woman who portrays her. If I may quote Gillian Anderson when asked about She-Who-Eats-Ice-Cream-Out-of-the-Container-While-Surfing-Cockroach-Topics-On- the-Net's seemingly jealous reaction to Bambi: "I think that because of how intimately and intensely Scully and Mulder work together that anytime there is anybody that comes up around the other character it causes a little bit of tension. Needless to say .. uh.. Bambi caused ... a little bit of tension."

If I may add to that, I believe The Blessed One, in her infinite wisdom, is attempting to save the punkish one from himself (either that or trying to save him for herself - I sometimes get confused). Anyway, she was right about Pheobe, was she not? She was also right about Detective White--probably even down to her thoroughly scientific analysis of her hair color. And as for the Bambi thing, well, let's just say Mulder is not the only one who can get a little territorial at times, especially given the fact that our Saint isn't allowed to get out much. I fear the cure for that is that she needs to spend her weekends perhaps pursuing things other than gun cleaning, dog washing, or, my favorite, writing monographs for "Penology Review" on that riveting topic of "Diminished Acetylcholine Production in Recidivist Offenders." Hopefully, the next time she pursues said "things," they won't have a homicidal tattoo.

----------
Dear Sister Autumn,

I am ashamed to admit that I had been under the impression that the phrase, "I'm fine," which our dear St. Scully has been saying often, only became apparent during the Cancer-arc episodes of late. So I was quite surprised when, upon a rewatching of the ever insightful "Irresistible," the Sainted One utters this phrase at least three times. This got me thinking about a series of "I'm fine" questions that I knew I had to pose.

In which episode does the Sainted One say, "I'm fine," the most times? And why does she continually state this phrase even when - oh my gosh - Mulder knows that this couldn't be true?

My other question concerns how can I incorporate this oh-so-integral Scully phrase into my speech and conversation more often, as I am not inflicted with cancer, chased by aliens, or hounded by mutants on a regular basis?

Sister Christine
----------

Sister Christine,

Given that you didn't know the significance of "I'm Fine" in our Heroine's life, I don't think that my telling you which episodes she utters the sacred phrase in will help you grow spiritually. Dear Sister, I think you may need a little Spiritual Exercise to shore up your faith. I suggest as a homework assignment that you discover and document how many times we hear this from St. Scully. Pay special attention to episodes such as "Elegy" as well as other episodes where she is temporarily in peril. I'll expect a full report by the season premiere.

Now, as to why she says, "I'm fine," when she is clearly not - that too is answered in the most sacred episode, "Irresistible." I suggest repeated viewings of the Holy therapist scene to aid you in understanding our Saint's denial. Remember for future reference, when Scully says these words, be afraid for her, for she says them as much to bolster and convince herself as anyone else. I trust that your exercises thus assigned will also give you the needed insight you seek as to when, "I'm fine" is appropriate in every day conversation. Good luck Sister, we will be waiting for your report.

----------
Dear Sister Autumn,

After taking the OBSSE personality test, I have been perplexed. You see, my answers were as follows: A, B, C, C, B, A/C, B. I am feeling a bit confused. I am not sure where I stand. I clearly enjoy the different aspects of Our Beloved Saint, but am I a Shipper, OBSSEsed, or should I request a position on the Kitchen Crew? Please help.

Yours in St. Scully,
Sister Makaway
----------

Sister Makaway (or should I say Sister Sybil?),

You should count yourself doubly blessed, as your answers prove you to be what we all strive for - enigmatic. You are certainly OBSSEsed, and more than that, able to appreciate our multi-faceted Saint. The wonderful thing about our Order is that there is room for all your diverse personalities. I think we all go through this. Sometimes I feel like a Shipper, and sometimes I don't (especially when Mulder has been exceedingly bad - which is, unfortunately, a lot). Sometimes I want to peel potatoes in the kitchen with the biggest, sharpest, pointiest, knife I can find muttering, "Carter you'd better write us a strong Scully or else." And sometimes I just sit quietly giving a prayer of thanks for our Saint's wonderful existence - then, of course, I continue muttering.

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Dear Sister Autumn,

I am a newly accepted member from Germany, and my joy and happiness at having been allowed to enter the Order--thus being connected to devotees all over the world--have so far kept me going through a long, dull summer with no new sightings (other than a few tapes). Alas, there is one thing I already fear. Much as I am looking forward to the start of season 4 over here this September (we are of the seasonally challenged), German TV doesn't trust its viewers' language skills, so the episodes will be dubbed into German. While the translations of Her wisdom are usually quite adept, this means I will not be able to hear the Scientific One's real voice, Her precise expressions, Her anguish ("Never Again" coming up), and Her sweet accent until some indeterminable future when they will bring it all out on tapes. Now, having St. Scully speak German (for real) is better than not having her at all, but that synchronized tone makes me feel like I am about to be lobotomized with an ice pick each time. (I was fortunate enough to see "Unruhe" in the States last year, but not much more.) Is there any prayer or meditation (or medication) I could apply?

Anxiously awaiting enlightenment glasses (sister? novice? who am I?)
richterj@compuserve.com
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Dear, Dear, Sister,

Believe me when I say my heart goes out to you for being served such a grave injustice. The whole seasonally challenged thing is bad enough, but I must admit, whoever decided to dub should be drubbed. Not only would dubbing make Our Lady of the Sexy Scientific Voice appear as if she were in some second rate, "Godzilla" movie, but by denying you subtitles, they are also denying you the enjoyment of a very significant part of Gillian Anderson's performance. As an obviously accomplished and highly talented actress, she uses all the tools available to her to convey our Saint's usually repressed emotions. You are missing her sexy slight lisp, the cracks in her voice, and the way in which she even uses breathing patterns to her advantage. I am truly, truly sorry. As for prayer, rest assured we will all be praying for your pain. Medication? In this case, I am not even sure a Holy Margarita would smooth things over. Best wishes, dear, deprived sister.

----------
Sister Autumn,

I was very impressed by your Order, but, being the High Priestess of BRAWS (Broad Reform Advocates for Walter Skinner), I was terribly dismayed that there is hardly a mention of the Surly Pectoral God of the FBI at thy site. A.D. Skinner, having willingly sold his soul to CSM in a desperate attempt to save the human incarnation of St. Scully, is sadly absent from thy pages. Wouldst thou be so kind as to give our link to our website (despite being full of pagan wantonness)? We handmaidens to the Surly One have only the highest regard for St. Scully and hope that Skinner's devotion and sacrifice on her behalf at least warrants a smooth or two in Season five.

Yours in Devotion,
BARD
High Priestess of B.R.A.W.S.
http:/hudson.idt.net/~arneil/braws.htm
----------

Hmmm.

High Priestess, believe me when I say I mean no disrespect, but our Order is very focused on St. Scully and St. Scully only. Mulder is occasionally mentioned (usually in conjunction with the words "PUNK!" or "black boxers") and the other featured folks tend to be dead martyrs in St. Scully's life. Also, while I'm sure ye Skinner fans have a great appreciation for his perceived sacrifice, we see things a bit differently around these parts. We're pretty much convinced that the Blessed One would be more than a little pissed off knowing that all these deals are being made behind her back without consulting her as to her wishes. So while you may be convinced that Skinner has done a great thing, I'm certain that she will be less than thrilled by his behavior. We tend to side with her in these parts. It's what we do. 

Last month we asked OBSSE members to give us a line...any line...that they would *love* to hear St. Scully say in the upcoming XF movie. Folks must not have read the directions clearly, because instead of a line, we got a word--a really  baaaadddd word. The kind of word that if Holy Mother Margaret heard Dana utter, she'd grab the nearest bar of Garden Botanika Peppermint-Oatmeal soap and scrub her baby daughter's taste buds off!

As you've already probably surmised, OBSSE members overwhelmingly want St. Scully to say, "F***." They're not really picky as to the rest of the sentence's structure or meaning, as long as she says the WORD and directs it, preferably, toward Mulder. Below is a sample of some of ya'lls, "colorful phraseology." Oh, and just for good measure, I've included a few lines that folks submitted that *didn't* include "the WORD," (although they were few and far between, I'm telling you).

From Sister AutumnT, Sister Ann Martin, Sister Tintalle, Sister Danielle, et al.
"Mulder, it's me. Where the f*** are you?"

From Sister Meaghan47, et al.
"Are you f***ing crazy, Mulder?! Scratch that, stupid question."

From Sister Allison (Squat), Sister Carin, Sister Lily, et al.
"Go F*** yourself, Mulder!"

From Brother Skrub, Sister Carolyn, et al.
"F*** you, Mulder! Step off your high horse once in a while!"

From Sister Amy Clanton, et al.
"Mulder, where the f*** are you going?"

From Sister Osu
"Mulder! Stop talking Sh**!" (Hey how'd THAT expletive get in here!)

From Sister Kim W (LeapAFayth)
"My God, Mulder! That alien looks like Elvis!"

From Sister deb...or whatever
"You're right, Mulder. Those 900 numbers *are* expensive."

From J. Rose Hale
" Mulder, this is where you pucker up and kiss my....' Oh, wait a minute. Someone already said that."

From Sister Tintalle
"Mulder, they've just handed the X-Files over to me. I am now your new superior. Oh, and Mulder? You're fired."

From Brother Plantagenet
"(telephone rings, Scully, dressed very strangely in a black leather jacket, ripped jeans and t-shirt, and lots of makeup answers the phone) Hmm....Oh, sorry. I can't Mulder. No. Well, I'm driving into New York for The Clash show tonight.'"

From Paul Wartenberg
"Okay, Mulder. I can accept that's a UFO, but that guy in the background can't be Leo Buscgalia...."

From Brother Andrew of the Treehouse
"I'm sorry, Mulder, but size really does matter."

From Sister Lesley
"Mulder, what are you wearing?"

From Sister Lens-of-Science
"Oh, for Chrissakes, Mulder, *get some help,* will you?!!!"

From Sister J.
"Your couch or mine, Mulder?" (or bed, or shower, or living room wall--I'm reading too much fanfic, and it shows).

From Brother Colin
"Mulder, I've ditched you and gone off to Russia--be back in a jiffy. Meanwhile, if you would be so kind as to hang out in the lab doing nothing while I kick bad-guy butt, I would appreciate it." 

I love toys. I collect toys. I can't get enough of toys. And what I want now, more than anything, are X-File action figure toys. Just think of the fun we could have! All of the Shippers could get *hours* of enjoyment putting Casual!Scully and BlackTurtleneck!Mulder in compromising (but romantic) situations. And the slash fans...well...the mind boggles. So, the question for this month's OBSSE poll is: If you could have any Scully action figure you wanted, what one would it be *and* what accessories would it include??? Would you have Swat!Scully complete with Kelvar vest and combat hat? Or would you prefer Casual!Scully with v-neck sweater and accompanying wine glasses? Write us and let us know! (Kenner? ToyBiz? Playmates? Are you paying attention here???) 

Have you ever noticed that St. Scully always gets kidnapped like a girl? Really. Think about it: Some psychotic mutant fixates on her and attacks her in her home or in her car. Cut to Scully, bound and gagged in some hovel while the freak tries to figure out the best way to kill her. Then, through his superior intelligence, incredible intuition, and sheer manpower, Mulder finds her just in time to shoot the bad guy. He often gets to kick in doors, fight mutants, and generally show off his brawn while doing so.

On the other hand, the few times that Mulder, the brave, inquisitive PUNK, gets abducted, he's trespassing on some top-secret facility or doing something else unquestionably heroic. And it's never some wimpy mutant that attacks him, no it's a whole slew of black-ops men with really big guns. By bargaining with the bad guys and using her superior intellect, Scully is able to rescue Mulder without doing any cool stuff like kicking down doors or taking out the bad guys. Seriously. I'm not making this up. Let's look at Scully-gets-kidnapped vs. Mulder-gets-kidnapped scenarios:

Kidnapping Scenario No. 1:

Scully: An Amish-ish man fixates on Scully in "Genderbender." He uses his "Spanish fly-incarnate" influence to lure Scully into his bed and is about to rape her when Mulder kicks down the door, trench coat billowing from broad shoulders, and pulls Brother Andrew from our helpless heroine.

Mulder:The fearless Mulder brazenly walks out onto an airstrip to watch UFOs fly overhead in "Deep Throat." Although Mulder attempts to outrun a couple of vans, a swarm of military black-ops apprehend him and strap him to a gurney for some fun with drugs. Scully actually gets to slam a large man up against a car, but then she merely holds him hostage and trades him for Mulder. No ass-kicking allowed.

Kidnapping Scenario No. 2:

Scully: Scully's former lover, Jack Willis, is possessed or inhabited by Dupre', who, by the way, has a fabulous last name, in "Lazarus." Willis/Dupre' takes Scully hostage at gun point and later handcuffs her to a radiator. After much intuiting, Mulder and his team of FBI agents find her, bursting in and freeing her.

Mulder: Mulder, armed with a camera, sneaks onto a supposed UFO crash site and is detained by military troops in "Fallen Angel." He's held in a chain link cell until Scully arrives to bail him out. Okay, okay, it's not quite a kidnapping, but I'm running out of Mulder-examples.

Kidnapping Scenario No. 3:

Scully: In "Duane Barry"/"Ascension," the quintessential nutcase and title character somehow finds Scully's house, breaks in through a window, physically subdues her, ties and gags her, then tosses her in the trunk. This is the only kidnapping from which Mulder doesn't save Scully, and we all know that it was Gillian Anderson's maternity leave that dictated such an unusual ending.

Mulder: In "The Erlenmeyer Flask," Mulder again is where he's not supposed to be, and a gas-masked man kills one of the green-blooded clones, the fumes of which knock Mulder out. At least we get to see him bound with duct tape, but again, Scully negotiates his release instead of barging in and breaking him out.

Kidnapping Scenario No. 4

Scully: Donnie Pfaster fixates on Scully in "Irresistible," lies in wait at the airport, runs her off the road, ties her up, and tosses her in a closet. Enter Mulder, who, amazingly enough, doesn't get to punch, kick, or shoot Pfaster. Scully does get bonus points for putting up a damn good fight in that house.

Mulder: Mulder, in the middle of an international Scully-ditch, wanders into a Russian gulag and is imprisoned. He's neither gagged nor tied, although the chicken-wire cocoon suffices. In "Tunguska'/'Terma," Scully isn't even aware that Mulder's in trouble, and he's able to somehow break away, steal a truck, and escape in time to come sauntering into the Congressional hearing.

Kidnapping Scenario No. 5:

Scully: The Schwarzenalien doesn't necessarily fixate on Scully in "Colony"/"End Game," but he uses her as a pawn to get to Mulder and, in turn, Mulder's faux-sister. He impersonates Mulder, fooling her long enough to get in her room. When she figures it out and pulls her gun, he backhands her across the room and absconds with her. We next see her obviously dazed and restrained by a meaty arm as Mulder does the ultimate heroic act and allows the woman he thinks is his sister to trade herself for Scully.

Mulder After diving for aliens, Mulder, clad in a decidedly unflattering wet suit, runs, duck-like, away from a whole slew of black ops troops who take him down in "Tempus Fugit"/"Max." He's jailed until Scully arrives to pick him up.

Kidnapping Scenario No. 6:

Scully:After being disarmed, Scully is bound, gagged, and dragged out to a chopping block in "Our Town." Mulder arrives in the crowd of the people-hungry townspeople just in time to shoot the man with the ax and save Scully.

Mulder:Hmm....

Kidnapping Scenario No. 7:

Scully: Finally, in "Unruhe," Gerry Schnauz decides that Scully is suffering from unrest and needs a knitting needle in her eye. He hides under her car and drugs her, apparently tossing her lifeless body in the utility vehicle in broad daylight without drawing undue attention. After chasing the car on foot, Mulder uses that spooky intuition to discern Schnauz's location. Predictably, he breaks the window and jumps into the trailer in time to shoot Schnauz and free Scully, who is duct taped to a dentist's chair.

Mulder: Hmm....

Now, I know in other situations Scully arrives just in time to save Mulder, "Clyde Bruckman's Final Repose" springs to mind, and she's done a bit of ass-kicking to save herself, as in "Leonard Betts." But, when it comes to kidnapping, there's a definite pattern. It's not fair that the circumstances surrounding their abductions are always the same. I'm not advocating violence, but how come it's only Mulder that gets to physically free Scully? Why is it that she negotiates his freedom through non-physical means? How come Mulder is always kidnapped for his unerring dedication to the truth? And why is Scully the one with a fan club full of freaks? Just once I'd like to see some mutant fixating on Mulder. Just picture it:

Scully leaves to check out a lead on what turns out to be the correct perpetrator while Mulder goes home and orders Chinese food. Minutes later there's a knock on the door. Mulder opens it without checking the peephole and is thwacked on the head, bound, gagged, and tossed in the trunk, which, by the way, must be hell on his gangly frame.

Meanwhile, Scully has found the mutant's home, and hanging on the wall next to a dozen others is that horrendous tie from "Beyond the Sea." Scully puts two and two together, realizing that by killing brunette men with pouty lips, which he takes as trophies, the killer is acting out his anger towards his father. She heads for the abandoned house in which the mutant was raised.

She calls for backup, but the dispatcher is "old-fashioned"--read: sexist--and doesn't believe the little woman could actually crack the case, therefore sending only one pair of inexperienced cops to her location. Hearing a pathetic whimper, Scully decides she can't wait and kicks in the door to reveal Mulder, his ankles and wrists bound together, propped up against the wall in the corner.

His terrified eyes meet hers as the six foot, two hundred pound killer rounds the corner and spots Scully. The knife in his powerful hand glints in the dim light.

Around his gag, Mulder screams, "Thlulleeeee!" But Scully's eyes don't leave her opponent.

The mutant lunges at Scully, thrusting the knife towards her chest. Scully ducks low and the knife plunges into the wooden door. She tries to bring her gun to bear, but the killer slams her into the wall and the gun skids across the floor, leaving them both unarmed. Scully attacks, hitting the mutant full in the chest and sending him reeling into the bookcase full of Shakespeare's plays.

Seeing her opening, Scully dives for the gun as the killer shakes off the pain and comes at her again. He grabs her leg, but she kicks at him, her fingers inches from the comforting metal of her gun. Finally, she reaches it, turning as the mutant begins pulling her towards him. Scully aims for the heart and pulls the trigger.

See? Isn't that much more interesting? Just once, Chris Carter, live up to all the credit you got for creating such a liberated woman and let her kick some ass!

EDITOR'S NOTE: Spoken like a true "Rogue"...uh...Kitchen Crew member, Danielle :)

A few weeks ago, one of the sisters asked me what my margarita recipe was. Well, smartass that I am, I told her my recipe was simple:

1. Get in your car or airplane.
2. Drive/fly to Austin, Texas.
3. Go to Chuy's Comida Deluxe restaurant (you may pick any location).
4. Order something called, "a Swirl."
5. Enjoy!

Well, I guess that may be asking a bit too much devotion from all of the Sisters and Brothers, so instead, Sister Mary Nancy has provided us with her outstanding Scullyrita recipe, the Official Margarita of the OBSSE. All members of age, please rev up thy sacred blenders!

The Official OBSSE Margarita Recipe
by Sister Mary Nancy (aka: Nanchita)

What you'll need for your Scullyrita*:

Tequila (provided by Brother Cuervo) - 6oz.
Triple Sec - 3oz.
Limeade - 6oz.
Large cup of ice
1 Lime, quartered
Margarita salt

How long it will take to make your Scullyrita:

Preparation Time: 5 minutes. (That's my preparation time but I'm slow. Actual times may vary.)
Blending Time: 7 minutes

How to make your Scullyrita:

Combine tequila, triple sec, and limeade in blender. Begin blending and adding ice a few pieces at a time until the desired consistency is reached. While blender is running, rub lime around the rim of a margarita glass, then dip glass in margarita salt. Garnish the salted rim with the lime. Once the margarita is at the proper consistency, pour carefully (so as not to disturb the salt) into the waiting glass and enjoy! Be careful not to drink so fast you get an ice cream headache though.

*NOTE: For strawberry margaritas (the true Scullyrita drink), simply add frozen strawberries along with the ice while blending until the mixture is the desired color. The lime and salt will not be needed.

Variations on your Scullyrita:
"The Official OBSSE Chat Margarita Recipe"

To properly enjoy the Friday night OBSSE chat, add this step to the above recipe:

1. After pouring the 6oz of tequila into the blender, continue adding tequila while reciting a Scully Prayer or Meditation. Repeat this step with the triple sec.

RECOMMENDATION: From personal experience, I suggest a SHORT prayer or meditation. Do not forget that the chat involves both cognitive and manual skills that might prove too difficult if one should choose a particularly long or involved St. Scully prayer. 

Every month we like to showcase the comments that a few of our new Sisters and Brothers made upon entering the Order. As always, I am once again impressed with their creativity, devotion, and of course, unparalleled ability to suck up. (But really, enough with the chocolates you all have been sending to me....I haven't had this many problems with my complexion since I was 15!)

Sister XaN testifies:
"I remember the first time I had ever watched the show ("Dod Kalm" if you were wondering) and thinking, Boy, this guy sure is an a-hole' (meaning Mulder). And when I saw Scully, I remember thinking, This, *this* is who I want to be when I grow up.' And I still do."

OBSSE Member Misschf confesses:
"Upon a careful review of the nature of this underground movement, not discounting my inherent attraction to women of small frame, scarlet tresses, and enviable intelligence, I've come to the conclusion that becoming an initiate of OBSSE would somehow validate the hours spent recording, rewatching, and memorizing Scullyisms over the past four years."

Sister Jill S. explains:
"Besides the fact that I am at this moment wearing a smartly tailored navy blue pantsuit with matching suede pumps, I have also garnered a small but devoted following for my Scullycentric fanfic. It is my hope that as a member of your Order, I could continue to use my writing as a tool to enlighten others of the wisdom and perfection of the Blessed One."

Sister Ginoly opines:
"There are many aspects of my life which, if re-examined with an appreciation of the influence of Our Blessed Saint, show that I have been truly Called. My fascination with Einstein's twin paradox in high school, for instance, was one of the reasons I ended up doing my undergraduate degree in Engineering *Physics*. Coincidence? Why of course it must be, I said to myself. As a true disciple of St. Scully, how could I think differently? An incident on the way to work last year (in the Holy City of Vancouver, no less) shook my convictions a little. I ran after a bus and caught it wearing three-inch heels....On a serious note, I am truly inspired by the character of Scully. She is one of the strongest female characters I have ever seen on TV, and she does it without losing any of her femininity and without being perceived as bitchy,' which is generally the label slapped on strong female characters, in my experience. As a female studying to work in another male-dominated field, I do see her as a role model (so far as a fictional character can be--Bless me Scully, for I have admitted you don't really exist....)"

Brother Dean confesses:
"Because I believe Scully is not only a Saint, but a GODDESS as well. I worship her as the Romans worshipped the sun."

Sister Scheherazade testifies:
"I have been putting this off for a very long time, but I guess the time is right for taking the plunge and seeking admittance to the OBSSE. For a long time I felt a little intimidated, since I felt that I had nothing witty or especially insightful to add to the group regarding the Sainted One. But I now realize that matters little, since we are all united in our awe and respect for the magnificent Saint Scully In short, the Blessed One is my model of comportment, my beacon of rational thinking in a sea of TV bimbos. Saint Scully is everything I could ever wish or hope to be: courageous, thoughtful, and above all else, a real grownup."

Brother Kurt explains:
"Scully's picture is hanging over my desk at work. Scully's picture is the wallpaper of my computer. I have brought co-workers to a love of Scully. And I realize that my obsession is of the fictional "Scully" of the X-Files. That's what keeps it fun (and permitted by my wife)...."

Sister Jenn states:
"Well, for starters, I am also vertically challenged. I also developed an inexplicable desire to dye my hair red several years prior to the beginning of The X-Files. (I think it was a sign from the Blessed One announcing her impending arrival.) St. Scully is a part of my life--so much so, that her picture is in the collage I have of family and friends hanging on the wall in my living room."

Sister Gil the Apostle lists:
The OBSSE Admittance Top Ten:

"1. For my last birthday, I got three gifts that were not GA centered.
2. Some of us think this is a better thing to do with your time.'
3. I'm the only person within a 50-mile radius who actually liked, "Never Again."
4. Skirts? Who needs em?
5. Men? Who needs em?
6. You said it best, Fox who?'
7. I think the mole should be seen. They don't cover DD's for cryin' out loud!
8. I write slash fanfic because Scully can do better!
9. Any $ I'd ever make off of it would be sent to GA's bank account.
10. What else is there in life?"

Brother Five declares:
"Zeal for the purpose of the Order. It feels like I've found home." 

It can be quite a daunting task to wade through the thousands of stories available on the Net in search of that one Scullycentric piece that seems to get the characterization of our Saint down *just right*. In light of this, your OBSSE leaders have decided to start a new column dedicated to helping those fanfic fans in the Order find the very best stories featuring The Blessed One. So, before you go off hunting through Gossamer, read on, and please feel free to send in your own favorite fan fic recommendations to Sister Autumn.

I thought it fitting to start off our fanfic picks with stories from a few talented writers from within our own Order. Enjoy!

Jill Selby

I knew that I liked Jill Selby when, in her very first story, "Mediocrity's Allure" she had Mulder tripping over an uneven floor, hurting himself, and basically taking him out of the investigation, leaving Action!Scully to the rescue. Jill is a brand new X-Files author, only having been posting stories for a few months now, and already, she is one of my absolute favorites. Her second piece, "Rags" reads like one of the very best monster -of- the-week episodes and sticks faithfully to the character we know, even when there are easier ways out. I guarantee you'll love it. Her two shorter pieces, "Poised For a Fall" and one sure to be a Rogue favorite, "Aspirations of Closure" take us inside Scully's head in an introspective and delightfully frustrated fashion respectively. Trust me, after you read Jill's stories, you'll be eagerly awaiting her next piece. Jill's work is on Gossamer as well as the X-Clusive site.

Punk Maneuverability

Punk M. is a Scullyist with attitude, which is perhaps why she spends a bit too much time relegated to the kitchen in combat fatigues. Her first work to catch my eye, "Moot Point #1" was an hilarious parody of fanfic that those of use who have waded through WAY too much over the years could chuckle at and appreciate. However, it is her most recent works that I want to draw your attention to. I will be the first to admit that I have never been a fan of most fanfic that includes song lyrics as part of the story - too many authors use this as a crutch instead of doing their own original thinking. However, Punk M's latest works left me humming, "Life is a Highway" to myself days later. For a carefree pair of stories sure to put a smile on your face check out "Mixed Signals" and "Escape Speed".

Pendgirl

Though I don't think Pendgirl is part of our fair Order, I suspect should she ever apply the Reverend Ma would welcome her with open arms because of one little story she wrote. To tell the truth, it's a favorite of both the Reverend Ma's and mine. My last recommendation is for a little piece called "Adios". I'm not going to tell you anything more about it except that it is short, you *will* laugh, and you will never hear the words, "I'm fine" the same way again.

Editor's Note: Actually, Pendgirl is an OBSSE Sister. She uses, however, another screenname within the Order. For this reason, I suspect that she may also be the author of a recent and hilarious little piece called "Wonderland," which has the real Scully trapped in a world of fanfiction cliché's. Whatever her chosen screenname, we of course shall respect Pendgirl's "woman of mystery and many pseudonyms" approach to life.

After a desolate summer of trying to gather crumbs of information about the XF movie and the season premiere, we finally, at least, have a title: "Redux."

That's the name of the season premiere episode of X-Files, which is scheduled, last we heard, to occur on November 2. First rumors reported said that the season premiere (which will be part two of three) would feature Gillian Anderson alone. Subsequent rumors are now saying that David Duchovny may make an appearance as well. As with all things "X", we shall have to wait and see.

Although no title, to our knowledge, has been announced on the third part of the three-part season finale/season opener, the third episode of the season is called, "Unusual Suspects." Written by the wonderfully talented Vince Gilligan (may he always write the Scullycentric shows), "Unusual Suspects" is said to include Duchovny but not Anderson, and will focus on the Lone Gunmen.

Meanwhile, back in Hollywood, rumors of the now wrapped (for our heroes, at least) XF movie continue to run rampant with special effects houses reportedly working on morphing lizard men, a photo of a gurney-ridden Scully reportedly taken from the "Blackwood" set circulating the Net (seeming to confirm, as AutumnT posted, a good portion of the lizard-loving Enquirer story....), and tanks of chilled bees being brought onto the set. Based on recent interviews with Anderson, sounds also "remotely plausible" that some of that UST flowing between Scully and Mulder the past four years may get a chance to resolve itself a bit.

Speaking of Anderson, mark your calendars now for the December 12 (last we heard) release of, "The Mighty." Entertainment Weekly reported, "The marketing pros at Miramax, who plan to push for multiple Oscar nominations, are on the case." As SisAutumn said, just hearing the words "Oscar" and "Gillian Anderson" in the same sentence makes us tingly. ;)

P.S. Don't you DARE forget to watch the Emmy's on September 14! And say a little St. Scully prayer for our heroes. 

Each month the OBSSE features prayers, poems, songs, essays, artwork, letters, and other bits and pieces of creative expression from our members. If you're an OBSSE member and would like to contribute something to the newsletter or the website, let us know, and we'll try to include it. Below are some of this month's offerings:

Hail, St. Scully!
by Brother Gregg

Hail, St. Scully,
Fair of face,
Mulder is with thee.
Blessed art thou amongst agents,
And blessed is the fruit of they womb,
Albeit a clone.
Holy Scully,
Mother of Queequeg,
Pray for us sinners now,
At the hour of our syndication.
Amen. 

Days of absence, sad and dreary,
Clothed in sorrow's dark array.
Days of absence, I am weary,
Season premiere's so far away. 

Saint Scully, in your infinite enigmaticness,
Please grant us patience for those
who do not acknowledge your divinity.
Grant us your ceaseless perseverance in adversity,
And the strength to complete what must be.
For thine is the petite, red-headed Special Agent
Who kicketh much butt.
Amen. 

One, singular cadaver
That's all that you're gonna find.
One, crazy Agent Mulder
Shoots himself and leaves you behind.
One tattoo and suddenly Scully is looking cool.
Now maybe Mulder will learn to wipe his drool.
One, moment in your presence
And we think of nobody else.
Scully you are second best to none, son
Ooh, sigh, we pray for blessed guidance
No way you ever will defy us...
Scully's, Scully's, Scully's the one!!!!!! 

Oh! Oh! Oh! This just in! Web Magazine conducted an interview recently with Gillian Anderson. In one of the Real Audio sound clips of the interview, GA is asked about web sites, laughs, and mentions that she received some material from the OBSSE. (The section where she metions us is under the question, "What do you think of all the web pages out there?") Praise St. Scully, Sisters and Brothers! For the flesh and blood incarnation of the Enigmatic One *knows* us! ;)