In The Beginning, There Was "The X-Files"
Well, okay, maybe that's pushing religious lore a bit, but how could I resist? With our favorite show and our even more favorite special agent set to grace the mini-screen again in just a few short weeks, times are getting--well--downright exciting, no?
In preparation for an all-new season of X-Foolishness about to hit, I've spent the last few weeks in silent solitude, cleaning and scrubbing the Abbey walls. Please take a look at the handiwork. We've added a "Scully Rational Explanation Generator" to the site, updated almost all sections of the Abbey through season five (including the Wisdom of St. Scully, About the OBSSE, Sacred Episodes, Sacred Links, and Life of St. Scully sections), and plugged in a few new bells and whistles here and there just to keep things hopping. I hope you enjoy.
And, if time allows, in the not-to-distant future, plan on stepping by the Abbey to periodically "confess" your Mulderistic sins. (More on that to come....) Heh...heh....
In the meantime, pop in the new X-Files "Fight the Future" video (You did spend the extra buck for widescreen I hope, otherwise you'll be having to come to confession sooner than you may have thought!), peruse this month's glorious newsletter (with Scullycrafts, a first-hand account of the Emmys, a little psychoanalysis of Scullycentric minds, and a report on the most recent bout of Scullylessness depression to hit the Abbey), and gear up to launch into a whole new season of Scullyistic Wonderment.
May St. Scully (SOON!) bless us all!
RevMa Nancy (no clever sig)
OBSSE Mailing List!
by Sister Autumn T.
This month we celebrate the first anniversary of the OBSSE Mailing List!
The list debuted on October 29, 1997, and quickly got a reputation as one of the nicest and funniest places to discuss The X-Files on the Net. In this past year the OBSSE Mailing List has grown from a small core community to more than 330 members who share "all things Scully" with each other on a daily basis.
If you are or have been a member of the OBSSE Mailing List, thank you for making it what it is today. If you haven't joined us yet, come take a peek at what you're missing. Be prepared for a lot of email, but also the guarantee that something everyday will make you laugh and think.
Happy Birthday OBSSE Mailing List, and pass the tic tacs!
Seasonal Scully Absence Disorder Descends on the Order
by Sister Squat
Editor's Note: Every year, it's the same thing. Come late summer or early fall, the Abbey infirmiry fills up with sorrowful Sisters and Brothers who have collapsed--mentally and physically--under the weight of No New Scully. The closer the new season of XF comes near, the farther away it seems sometimes. That's why we asked Sister Squat to fill us in on the latest symptons floating about the Abbey. Watch out! I hear it's catching .
Dear Sisters and Brothers, as your amateur armchair pop psychologist, I have noticed once again the emergence of SSAD, or Seasonal Scully Absence Disorder, amongst the Abbey population. Yes, throughout the dog days of summer (which have given way to the flabby flatulence of fall - must be all those freshly-harvested legumes and root vegetables), I have gradually become aware of my own symptoms. As modeled by The Blessed One Herself, I will recite them even as I slump, incapacitated, to the floor, clutching my VCR remote in both hands:
Oops. See. There's a symptom right there. Oh, what a giveaway.
Okay. The difference is, SSAD occurs mainly between May and November of each year, and periodically from November to May when we are subjected to unexplained instances of re-runitis and the completely aberrant phenomenon of the Scully-less episode. Awright??
So, what to do, what to do. We can fight and fight and fight, but the truth is, we in the Abbey all experience bouts of SSAD, especially this time of year. Part of dealing with this phenomenon is acceptance. Yes. Once you accept that SSAD-ness happens, you are halfway to achieving the kind of serenity that St. Scully experiences as She works on a Holy Monograph on a Friday night. In fact, might I propose a Scully Serenity Prayer to get us all started on that enlightened path:
St. Scully, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot rationalize, the courage to rationalize the things I can, and to cheer as You kick Diana Fowley's ass all over the J. Edgar Hoover building at frequent and regular intervals.Here are some other tips for coping with SSAD:
Nuns Abound at the 1998 Emmys
by Sister Marcelle (with a little help from Sister LaurenD)
Our faith was tested every step of the way.
When the announcement was made that nuns (from left to right Sisters LaurenD, Flywoman, and Marcelle) would be allowed to witness the possible crowning of Gillian Anderson as the winner of yet another prize (aka, real people would be allowed to attend this year's Emmy Awards), we did not hesitate to answer the call.
The excitement was palpable as we neared the Shrine Auditorium in LA. Our tickets, which identified us as OBSSE members, allowed us to bypass the unwashed masses. Limousine after limousine slowly drove past. In each case we debated whether or not to throw ourselves on the ground in solemn reverence.
Prior to the ceremony, we stood near the red carpet and watched as waves of celebrities approached. We braved burly security guards in our search for Gillian. We braved women in tacky dresses and men in ponytails. We braved the force of gravity and snuck aboard the "Entertainment Tonight" helicopter. We even searched for the horror known as Joan Rivers, with the thought that a carefully aimed blow to the windpipe might end much world suffering. Alas, our quest was not so easily fulfilled. She saw us coming, and ran like the prancy, wrong-haired, visible demon that she is.
Upon reaching our seats, appropriately located in a position of high altitude as befitting our lofty status as OBSSE representatives, we scanned the rows below for any sign of red hair. The idea that the Earthly Incarnation of TBO was only a short tumble over the balcony away was almost too much to bear. We conducted a short prayer session immediately before the cameras began to roll and gave thanks for the opportunity to enter into a four-hour communion with all things "X."
The two large screens located on either side of the stage did not show reaction shots, so we were unable to ascertain in what area of the audience Gillian was sitting. Interestingly enough, nominees were not informed until after the awards ceremony had already started (during the taped arrivals presentation) exactly how long they had to speak and in what direction they should move after accepting their award.
(LaurenD would like to butt in here, if I may...)
Our first glimpse came over an hour into the ceremony, when Gillian presented for Best Supporting Actress in a Movie that Has Nothing to Do With The X-Files, but Nonetheless Should Have Included Gillian Anderson amongst The Nominees, For She Deserves All The Prizes. At least I think that was the title. It was hard to hear over the cries of "Gillian, we love you!" "Gillian, you're the BEST!" "Gillian, will you marry me?" and "Gillian, you are my GODDESS!" I told Fly and Marcelle repeatedly to be quiet so I could hear, but they just wouldn't stop.
She came out, looking poised and lovely, and presented the award. I
won't go into great detail to describe it, as I'm sure you were all GLUED
to your TV sets watching this (where you undoubtedly had a better view
than we did). At any rate, during the next commercial break, she came back
on stage, at which point Marcelle, Fly, and I began folding up roadmaps
airplanes and shooting them down towards the stage. Well, Fly and I were throwing them at the stage; Marcelle was actually aiming for the back of DD's head. She hit him several times. It was great. Anyway, Gillian jumped up and grabbed a few, laughed, walked back to the microphone and said, "Thank you, OBSSE! You deserve some roadmaps too!" And that's when I noticed the strange thing--we weren't the only people throwing roadmaps. Several of the dedicated in the balconies had also brought roadmaps, as well as several people on the floor. The biggest surprise of all, though, was when Christine Lahti and Tea Leoni threw their roadmap airplanes. I had no idea they were members of the Order. I think the RevMa has been holding out on us.
Keep in mind, my dearest brethren, that even though Gillian didn't walk away with a lovely new prize on Emmy night, she was honored just the same by the fans who love her. Most of whom probably got lost driving home without a map.
(Ok, I'll turn it back over to Marcelle)
Only after she was *robbed* of the Best Dramatic Actress award did we figure out where she was sitting. To show what a gracious soul she is, she clapped for every single one of the remaining nominees (except for her own show), even during those moments when the cameras weren't remotely near her.
The last segment of the show came when all Emmy presenters, nominees, and winners were invited onstage to say goodnight. Gillian went onstage, but (surprise!) the Punk stayed seated. She chatted a bit with Ellen DeGeneres. After the ceremony was over, she and her escort made their way backstage as we frantically scrambled downstairs.
Our hearts were heavy as we exited the auditorium, but there were many stars to be seen outside. We thought to catch a glimpse of Gillian as she entered the Governor's Ball, but instead became trapped among the cast and crew of "NYPD Blue" for an interminable amount of time. The night was punctuated by occasional screams as limousines pulled away from the street. After most everyone had left for the night, however, we came to the sad realization that Gillian wasn't going to be able to give us a ride home.
Showing the dedication which is a prerequisite of every nun, we decided to cap off our evening with a late-night visit to Casey's Pub, site of Mulder's drunken soliloquy in the XF movie. During the drive to Casey's, we happened upon barricades and more security guards bearing Emmy clearance tags demanding to know our destination. We had stumbled onto the post-awards party at Cicada, thrown by "Entertainment Tonight." No glimpses of Gillian. What's worse, Casey's was closed.
What else was there to do but carouse the rest of the night away with drinks and pasta? We ended the evening feeling more refocused in our devotion than ever. And deviously planning for next year.
Gillian, we do it all for you.
Crafts: Make A Scully Rosary!
by Sister Lens-of-Science
My Dear Brethren:
It's October. Gillian didn't sweep this year's Emmy awards. The premiere is still several weeks away. Macy's has already put up a Christmas tree. Can things be worse?
Things can always be worse.
As I write these words, I recall what my gentle, beloved great grandmother, Lens-of-Churning-And-Baking-and-Childrearing-And-What-Do-You-*Mean*-I-Can't-Vote? used to say so frequently to us all: "Idle hands are the devil's instruments."
Of course Nana *did* like her sherry, but I digress.
In a desperate attempt to keep idle hands from even more calamitous actions than last month's previously-discussed (and I am certain, deeply regretted) "incident" of which we shall say no more (1) (2) (3), I offer the following Craft for Scullyists, that those in the Order might yet escape poor Sister La.. Dee.. Da..'s fate.
May Scully save us all.
Yours in Her Pantsuitedness,
(1) You didn't hear anything about this from me.
(2) Particularly *not* that it involved the RevMa's Ducati
(3) Or Jello.
Now, on to the work at hand...
Your Scully Rosary: Step-by-Step
It can be difficult at times, particularly as we approach the sixth season, to remember the exact order of episodes. How embarassing for a nun to be kneeling, reciting the decades of the rosary, and stumbling over whether Jersey Devil comes *before* or *after* Genderbender.
Oh, the humanity!
To assist our devout and dedicated Sisters and Brother in their Holy Devotions, I offer these instructions for making your own Blessed and Holy Scully Rosary.
You Will Need:
How to Make Your Rosary:1. A huge bag of large beads
2. More slightly smaller beads than you can shake a stick at.
3. Thread, rope, lanyard, dental floss... pick one.
First, thread the beads onto your string, according to the pattern below (The acronymns stand for episode names, of course. If you don't know them, look 'em up!).
four small (Pilot/DT/S/C)
one large (Jersey Devil)
seven small (S/GITM/I/S/FA/E/F)
one large (Beyond The Sea)
one small (GB)
one large (Lazarus)
nine small (YAH/EBE/MM/S/DF/T/BA/R/TEF)
four small (LGM/TH/B/S)
two large (Duane Barry/Ascension)
one small (3)
one large (One Breath)
four small (FW/RM/ED/A)
one large (Irresistable)
eleven small (DHDV/FB/C/EG/FS/DK/H/TC/FE/SL/OT)
one large (A)
two large (The Blessing Way/Paper Clip)
one small (DPO)
one large (Clyde Bruckman's Final Repose)
four small (TL/2S/TW/O)
three large (Neisei/731/Revelations)
three small (WOTC/S/G)
two large (Piper Maru/Apocrypha)
five small (P/TDB/HM/JCFOS/A)
two large (Quagmire/Wetwired)
one small (TC)
one small (H)
one large (Unruhe)
ten small (H/T/TFWID/S/MOACSM/PH/T/T/EMH/K)
three large (Never Again/Leonard Betts/Memento Mori)
six small (U/TF/M/S/SP/ZS)
one large (E)
two small (D/G)
two small (US/R)
one large (Redux II)
one small (D)
one large (Christmas Carol)
one small (PMP)
one large (Emily)
nine small (K/S/C/KS/BB/PX/TRATB/T/ME)
one large (All Souls)
three small (TPBV/FAD/TE)
How to Use Your Rosary:
(An Example of The First Decade of the Rosary to be said while doing penance)
Penitent is kneeling, ideally in front of a Trinitron, while simultaneously meditating on Memento Mori. (Note: If MM is not available, Jerry Springer will, of course, do in a pinch.) The penitent fingers each bead, reciting the name of each ep in succession. Large beads signal the Sacred Scully Episodes, and as such are to be followed by a devout "Hoo Boy!" (If more than three or four nuns are meditating at the same time, a wave would not be out of the question here.)
"Pilot..Deep Throat..Squeeze..Conduit..Jersey Devil (hoo-boy!)..Shadows...... " You get the idea.
May St. Scully's blessings be upon you!
by Sister Autumn T.
Finally, the wait for "The Beginning" is drawing to the end. If the Order makes it through October with out exploding from the tension caused by this long summer hiatus coupled with the dreaded Post Fest Depression, we'll be in the easy home stretch come November. If you don't think you are going to make it and you've got problems that are threatening your summer sanity or fall fun, just prance on over and drop me a line at Ask Sister Autumn, and I'll do my best to make sure you're right as rain for the season premiere. Please folks, don't let these things bottle up. I'd hate to see more Abbey members end up like poor Brother RJ. By the way, RJ is resting peacefully in the special padded room until November 8 listening to the "Hokey Pokey" over and over. He's fine. Quit staring at him.
Dear Sister Autumn, Who's Glowing Radiance Outshines the Changing Colors of her Seasonal Namesake;
Brother RJ here, with a severe problem concerning my deep-seated depression of the ways things are in the Universe. Why am I feeling this way when the Shining Glory of The Blessed One should be giving me hope as She did when she helped out in last year's Super Bowl? (Scully is a Bronco Fan...Scully is a Bronco Fan). My faith has come under attack recently, as I shall detail.
In the Chronicles of the Blessed One as re-hacked by the Schmucks who Are Shiban & Spotnit-witz, as well as the Hack Avatar of Stephen King, the stories are saturated with illogical actions of our dear Blessed Scully. Running around in the woods without proper search gear? Throwing a mysterious animated Daemon Doll of Destruction into the ocean rather then apply scientific investigation techniques?
Sure, the visage of the desirous Vacation!Scully in the Holy Blue Convertible of Mustang was enough to make me embark upon a Pilgrimage to the Wilderness of Maine (and stay at a real XF-ish motel outside of Freeport), but The Blessed One ended up looking like one of the Hack Avatar of Stephen King's insane writer protagonists.
Brother RJ of the XF Top20 Lists
My Dear Wondering Brother,
First things first, Scully's Broncos are well on their way to another season of glory so don't lose hope completely. While I will be the first to admit that there were some low points in season 5, I think more of that has to do with overextending than the writers being "hacks." I could also do without your repeated use of the word "Avatar" as it tends to bring back bad memories. As much as we follow in the way of The Logical One by trying to understand in the face of confusion, the show we know and love has never been one to make total sense. Plus, I think you make some incorrect assumptions about Scully's behavior. After all, they did have that highly advanced whatchmacallit "FLIR" thing in "Detour," and I for one will never believe that it was Scully who threw the, uh, you know, in the ocean. Me, I can forgive the writers some of their foibles when these episodes give me Scully fraternizing, singing, driving around in a tight T-shirt, or closing a door in a most pleasing manner. Then again I'm easy.
Editor's Note: No comment. Nope. Not gonna take that bait.
Dear Wise, All Knowing, and FORGIVING Sister Autumn,
In the words of the Blessed One, "hoo boy." I have sinned. It seems that I'm not enjoying the X-Files movie as much as a true follower of the Blessed One should. In fact, I was disappointed by it. St. Scully was as radiant, brave, and graceful as ever, but I think it would've been better if Her Pantsuitedness had rescued the Punk instead of the other way around.
Why must the Blessed One suffer once again? The bee would've done just as much good (as in stopping the unholy kiss) if it had stung the Punk. He has always wanted to be abducted anyway. And how will they handle the whole almost-kiss situation in the 6th season?
St. Scully is much too good for the Punk! I feel paranoid and distraught. I am seeking your guidance.
With a nervous twitch,
While I can do nothing for that nasty twitch, I can share with you a few words of wisdom. I'm sure that everyone in the Order would have loved to have seen The Blessed One not have to spend 15 minutes of the movie in a green goo coma. However, given the fact that we rarely get our way, I like to focus on the positive as far as the big screen adventures of Moose & Squirrel are concerned. The thing that made the biggest impact is the Punk realizing what we at OBSSE have known all along - "I owe you everything Scully and you owe me nothing." To hear that leave his lips, I can put up with a little goo. As far as Scully being too good for Mulder, of course she is, but who are we to deny the poor girl a little fun? Lord knows she needs it.
Dear Sister Autumn, Who's ... well you know,
Hi, Brother RJ here again. Another thing. The Visage of the Blessed One Upon the Silver Screen of Hollywood, aside from a scene of Austere Authority, which had this humble Brother desiring to be himself ordered to clear the building now, was a thorough disappointment. All Spotnit-witz the Schmuck did was have our Most Perfect Pathologist run around being chased by fallacious flames, bizarre bees, and hell-sent helicopters, then stupidly seduced by the Jerk that is Mulder on the simple basis of being transferred to Utah. Then came a dime novel rescue by said Jerk that is Mulder that was apparently stolen from "The Perils of Pauline."
The final blow was that The Visage of the Blessed One Upon the Silver Screen of Hollywood bombed at the box office, losing 60 million dollars.
My Dear Still Wondering Bother,
RJ, for godsake! You've got it all backwards! 1) For some reason you seem convinced Spotnitz wrote the movie instead of Carter. Spotnitz surfed with Carter and said something like, "Hey dude, I know, corn and bees I tell you corn and bees. Thems scary." 2) It is PUNK. Not jerk. PUNK. 3) Did you have your eyes closed and ears plugged going "na na na I can't hear you" during the hallway scene, because you seem to have missed the point. 4) When did Pauline escape the aliens in Antarctica complete with really cool effects? 5) Bombed? Lost $60 million? Might want to brush up on your math. The movie will turn enough of a profit to guarantee more.
Oh Great and Knowledgeable Sister who Bears Her trout so Wisely:
Lately I find that I am slowly being sucked into the world of MSR fanfic. And not just any kind. It's of the NC-17 variety. I asked my fellow sisters and brothers at chat what should be done about this, if I should try to stop it and if so, how? The only replies I received were those that stated I should not fight this impulse, that I should feed my growing fascination with the fictional carnal goings-on of She Who Is Not Prancy and the eternally undeserving punk. However, I am having bouts of intense guilt, as only we Catholics can, doubting if this is the right thing to do.
So I turn to You, oh Demure One, for everyone knows that it is all about You when it is not all about Scully. Or is it all about You *and* Scully? I get confused ... but stating the obvious isn't really necessary, is it? I ask Thee, Second only to She Who Is Saintly Perfection, what is the correct course of action I should take? My small amount of will power is abandoning me posthaste. I eagerly await your reply.
May You be interrogated by The Blessed One. Often. And for long periods of time.
Yours in Saint Scully,
sister spiced rum
Dear Sister MaiTai,
Mmmm. Interrogated by the Blessed One. Are there handcuffs? Uh, sorry I got distracted. Did you have a question? Oh yes fanfic. Not just any fanfic. Hot Punkey Love fanfic. Did it just get warm in here? Sister, all I can say is I understand your pain. I mean, after all, we only read it because we believe She of the Silk Pajamas deserves to be appreciated. Right? So see, actually, we do it all for her. Well, actually we just read about someone doing it all for her, but it is the thought that counts.
Dear Sister Autumn, Yadda Yadda Yadda,
RJ again. Remember me? I was attending the Dragon*Con fantasy media convention when I was told by the Head Forensic Pathologist of the Georgia Bureau of Investigation that The Blessed One and Most Perfect Pathologist is doing her job all wrong! Well, not wrong, but that SHE who is the Most Scullyrific should not be performing autopsies alone. Was this blasphemy or merely the clearest reason to wish for Her to resurrect Agent Pendrell as an Assistant? I would not trust The Jerk who is Mulder around sharp utensils.
(Incidentally, The GBI Pathologist said the best tools for cutting up Autopsy subjects are Kitchen Knives, most notable German-made Henckle brand knives)
Continuing To Wonder,
Your Favorite Brother RJ
Little too much caffeine RJ? You might want to stay away from those sharp knives yourself. I'm starting to worry. All I can say is maybe the high and mighty head forensic pathologist just can't handle an autopsy alone because he gets nervous around dead bodies. Maybe the GBI requires you have someone around to go "Yup, that's a lung. You're so smart." Whatever the reason, our Perfect Pathologist does get assistance on those rare occasions when it is needed (like say in "Folie a Deux" when she had her little body flipping helper), but most times she's fine, just fine slicing solo.
Dear Sister Autumn,
I desperately need your advice. Please, oh, please help me before I go insane...
I came to the U.S. nine years ago. First, I was planning to stay here only for a couple years to study English ... then I was totally hooked by The X- Files. I determined to stay here as long as The X-Files was on the air (my home country, Japan, used to broadcast the show, but they replaced it by "Chicago Hope" now). Staying in the U.S. wasn't easy; I had to be in school to stay here legally even though I didn't like to study at all. (As a result, I obtained A.A., B.A., and M.S. degrees so far, and I was working on toward Ph.D.) Then, the Asian economy took a drastic downfall and now I have to leave this country on Nov. 17. As everybody knows, the season premiere will be aired on Nov. 8 ... that means I have to leave after seeing only the first two episodes!! Do you have any OBSSE members who live in Japan? I have already shipped all the tapes I have so that I won't go insane for a while after going back there; however, I don't know how long I can keep my sanity without seeing new episodes. (When I saw a scene from the third episode on ET, I thought my heart would stop because of the sadness). Also, I am going to lose my internet access so I can't even read OBSSE newsletter for a while.
I desperately need your heavenly advice. What should I do?
Oh Sister Risa,
What a tale of woe you have presented me with. First, I must say your dedication to The Sainted One is admirable. Luckily you seem to have gotten the perk of a great education in the process. As for the problem at hand - and believe me knowing what I do about episode 3, you do have a problem - I have a couple of suggestions. First, stage a national protest. I mean "Chicago Hope" instead of X-Files? What are they nuts? Surely you could spend a couple of days shouting "If I can save you let me" and distributing handouts on the subway to get enough support to take over the media and return The Blessed One to her rightful place on your television sets. If you are uncomfortable with the idea of jail time (though I'm not sure if you have the added stress of those hideous orange jumpsuits in your country), you could always purchase a VCR capable of playing VHS tapes and strike a deal with another kind sister or brother who would take pity upon your situation.
Miss me? It's Brother RJ. I have another issue. I was with my parents and In-laws last Saturday looking at art work at a local mall, when I saw....THEM. The most Hideous Abomination of Heresy towards our Fave Fed of Forensics....
The X-Files Ken & Barbie.
It didn't even LOOK like The Blessed One!! It didn't even look like a normal Symbol of Sexist Servitude known as Barbie! It more resembled a poorly made, generic brand Symbol of Sexist Servitude from the early 60s! That Bozo- Red Birds nest excuse for hair! Those Bimbo Eyes with Thrice out of Scale Eyelashes and a dollop of fluorescent red paint for a mouth! It was so hideous, I nearly threw myself over the second level railing. Luckily, there was a Williamson-Sonoma Culinary store next door where I could admire the Henckle brand kitchen knives. And they were selling the damnable thing for $71, along with a Doofy Doll that more resembled a demented Brad Pitt than you-know- who.
Wondering About Dollys,
Somehow when I think of you I am reminded of yet another doll. One called "Chatty Cathy." First you should be thankful that I will not ask you exactly what a grown man was doing in the Barbie section of the toy store. I would have figured you more for the action figure type. Which is frankly where you should have been. The Barbie abominations were so hideous they were pulled rightfully from production. I suggest you spend your time playing quietly with your Suit Scully action figure in the corner (do not, I repeat, do not stick Scully's cellphone up your nose for any reason - this would seem obvious to most but I worry about you RJ) and for Scully's sake stay away from the damn knives.
Dear Most Wise In All That Is Scully,
First, I must say that, as a new Initiate, many of my problems have been solved by finding a community of believers whose devotion to the Blessed St. Scully matches mine. I was beginning to feel that I was indeed "sick" as my husband keeps insisting. I now know that I am not sick, but "called" as are the other chosen members of the Order.
My most serious problem at hand is my aforementioned husband. This wise man is a cradle-phile who had the good sense to watch and appreciate the show from it's inception. I, being more like the TBO in my skepticism, had to be converted. His patience and insistent ministering brought me to enlightenment in the second season.
But it seems that I am so much further along in my spiritual enlightenment, that I have lost him along the way. Although he still watches episodes with the family (he's not that far gone), he now says that I have become so OBSSE'd that he doesn't even want to hear anything about the X-Files anymore!!
How have I failed? It must have been horrendous, for how can anyone be turned off by the X-Files? And how can anyone talk too much about She-Who-Is- Fine? What can I do to bring him back to the fold?
Please, your assistance is needed URGENTLY!
In the Name of St. Scully,
Initiate Michele F.
Michele, next time your husband thinks you are bad just tell him about Brother RJ.
I do have a suggestion. The wonderful thing about the OBSSE is that we can all talk about the important things in life, namely Scully, and noone thinks we are odd. Being in the Order unfortunately can give you a false sense of security that the rest of the world (or even the rest of your household) is as enlightened as we. Sadly, this is not the case. I suggest you slow down on pontificating about Her Pantsuitedness around the abode, and let her actions speak for themselves. If you have to talk about Scully, try our mailing list or chatroom for release. Perhaps taking a softer approach with your misguided man will help him understand. If that fails, you can always watch parts of "Chinga" together. If that doesn't get to him, you might need to check and see if he is actually still breathing.
I don't know if you remember me or not. My name is Brother RJ. One last thing - I won't mention the curses hurled at the National Academy of Television (little) Arts and (medieval) Science program last Sunday.
Sister Autumn, what can I do to better guard my slowly descending level of faith when confronted by such madness? Should I write more Scullycentric Top 20 lists and fanfic? Should I rejoice with my fellow Brethren & Sistern of the Order at next year's OBSSE Fest? Would a trip to next years' OBSSE Fest be covered by Mental Health Insurance?
Wondering Some More,
I'm sending some friends over to visit you RJ. So, if someone rings
your doorbell and they are wearing a white outfit, they are merely the
Scullyrita home delivery service. They are even going to be bringing you
the special OBSSE Scullyrita "jacket" for you to try on. I don't let too
many people wear that, so you should feel honored. Be sure and let them
What's in an Inkblot? You'd Be Surprised ( Or Terrified)
by Dr. K. and Dr. Sarah Tonin (aka Sisters La..Dee..Da.. and, uh, Dr. Sarah Tonin)
Last month we gave our readers this inkblot to interpret (yeah, that thing on the left) because, well, we felt like it. In fact, we were only kidding when we suggested that Dr. K help by analyzing your interpretations if the results were too alarming. Little did we know....The results were *indeed* so alarming that we felt it necessary to bring in Dr. Sarah Tonin to assist. Together, our Dynamic Dr. Duo spent several min-, er, days, analyzing your interpretations, reaching into the depths of your pre-Season 6 new-episode deprived psyches, to offer their point/counterpoints. (The inkblot's hidden surprise appears at the bottom of the article.)
"What I see is a shadow of a flukeworm. This inkblot has two heads but
there might be some flukeworms which have two heads, I think. "
No, my dear, flukeworms do not have two heads. However, being hermaphroditic, they *do* have two sets of genitalia. But that's neither here nor there since we're discussing *your* interpretation. I believe seeing a flukeworm is merely your subconscious yearning for another Darin Morgan episode. - Dr. K
Dr. K, you're definitely onto something here. Or perhaps merely ON something.
Have you been borrowing your patients' medications again? - Dr. S.
"I am frightened to say it, but I see Mulder and Krycek about to lick each others' faces... Help me Dr.K....."
Sister Reade, admitting you have a problem is the first step, and asking *me* for help was a very wise decision. I know this must be distressing for you, but take comfort in the fact that at *least* you were able to see tongues.. just the *wrong* ones. - Dr. K
Tsk, tsk, Sister Reade, you've been reading the Beadslut's slashfic
again, haven't you? Did she omit the disclaimer about the potential mental
health risks? Naughty, naughty Bead. - Dr. S.
"Symetrical gashes in the chest and head cavity of a certain Fowley Monster after a mysterious accident with a chainsaw...."
Dear Sister MJ, can you say more about that? Pretty please? - Dr. S.
Chainsaw? My dear, Mara Jade, we here at the Abbey have learned that
bigger isn't always better. Might I suggest you spend some time with the
"Kitchen Crew." They have all sorts of nifty little tricks with potato
peelers and those are *much* easier to stash under your wimple if a quick
getaway is called for. - Dr. K
"Either the drawer pull to my husband's dresser or else New Jersey with parts of Delaware and Maryland tacked on."
Do you even watch The X-Files? - Dr. K
"Mulder's crooked and bruised spine as St. Scully finally gets back at him for all his compulsions to ditch, be rude to, ignore, and not appreciate the Blessed One."
Sister Min, While TBO certainly *could* easily take out Mulder with a flying porno nurse kick, and while I am not arguing that it wouldn't be richly deserved, Scully is much too fond of Punk-Boy to actually do it. Haven't you noticed how sad she gets if you plam Mulder during the interactive XF game? (whistling innocently) Er, or so I've heard. In any event, the only thing that could make Scully kick Mulder's ass would be, say, if he had previously been married and neglected to tell her about it. - Dr. S.
Mulder is SO gonna get it (hehehe) - Dr K
"....Myself watching the world series and crying into my bucket of fried chicken and bag of sunflower seeds."
Now this is very interesting, don't you agree, Dr. Sarah? I've not heard of anyone but Autumn seeing *themselves* in the inkblot. Hmm...we'd better keep an eye on this mary person. She may begin to think it's all about her. - Dr. K
Er... are you telling me that it's NOT Autumn in the inkblot? - Dr.
"Freud is gonna love this ... and you probably won't be able to print it, but I see a double headed penis. I just can't stop giggling...."
Of course we can print your response. Recent events in Washington have not only made it acceptable, but downright fashionable to print the word "penis." As to your "interpretation" of the inkblot, I can only say I'm stunned. This was *my* interpretation also. Have you considered a career in psychology? It seems you'd be quite good at it. But, of course, you'd have to work on controlling that giggle ... at least until the patients leave the room. - Dr. K
Sister Melody, remember, we're not laughing *with* you, we're laughing
*at* you. And Dr. K ... you gotta get out more. - Dr. S.
Dr. B. Pilgrim
"Rhode Island. Or a hamster being slowly hibachied in a lovely green chile sauce. Or my mother. But that's about it. Can I go now? "
Brother Pilgrim, (shaking head indulgently) now, now, we talked about this yesterday, remember? You can't go yet ... that nice board of examiners has to agree that you no longer pose a threat to society. And you've got to start letting go of this delusion about being a doctor. Why, everyone knows that being a doctor takes years of study and hard work... right, Dr. K? - Dr. S.
(*Dr.* K mumbles something about "Clinical Social Worker/Doctor ...po-tay-to/po-tah-to")
"A Duck. An Alien Duck."
Dr. Sarah T, correct me if I'm wrong but my initial diagnosis is ... "loony tune." - Dr. K
Yes, but in pa-pa-pa-partial re-re-remi-mission. - Dr. S.
Heather Fox Scully
"The pattern of the PUNK's new tie, which, once is seen by She Who is Forever Immortalized on Celluloid, will find its way into the office paper shredder. "
Oh dear. Seeing an image linked to the PUNK rather than TBO is *not* a good sign. (Although making fun of him is quite healthy.) I suggest you spend some time in the Abbey screening room, reviewing past episodes, and training yourself to focus on Her Pantsuitedness. Start with the easy eps like Never Again and Chinga and work your way through the tougher ones (Schizogeny and Hell Money). When you can watch Travellers and see only Scully going through her Quantico training, you will know you're on the road to recovery. - Dr. K
Dr. K, I'm appalled at your response to this patient, since suggesting
that someone deliberately watch "Travellers" violates all professional
standards of care. That's just the kind of thing that could cost you your
license, missy. - Dr. S.
"A long downward pointing arrow as I realize that the season doesn't start in two months for me, but in five months at the very earliest. I will have a Christmas devoid of new Saintliness.... A new year with No Punk. Possibly a Valentine, but I don't hold my hopes up. In other words, I have to make do with prancy stand-ins and repeats. I can only hope my devotion to the Blessed One will keep me going as I watch her kick ass yet again in Kill Switch and marvel as she asserts herself in FTF. Hell, If I had a phone in the cinema, I'd be picking it up and making it happen.... Sigh. I'm depressed."
(Dr. K looks up from her notes, yawns, and in a monotone says- "And how do you feel about that?")
Cal, you are not alone; many of the OBSSE faithful are currently suffering
from IWAMS (Interminable Wait for More Scully) Syndrome (aka SSAD, as described
in Sister Squat's article above). You have my, er, *our* (poking Dr. K
sharply in the ribs) deepest sympathies in your time of trouble. Perhaps
once the season begins here in the U.S., the always-demure-and-sensitive
Sister Autumn will post some spoilers at neenerneener.com or sux2bu.com.
Other than that, all I can suggest is that you take two Chingas and call
me in the morning. - Dr. S.
"Well, when I first took a look at it I figured it has to be some sort of worm... like the ones in Ice or maybe a planarian flatworm. Then upon closer inspection, I noted that it did bear a striking resemblance to Ichabod Crane from that Disney special that they put on around Halloween, wearing some sort of party hat with his mouth open in awe as he has just discovered the most beautiful woman alive.... The Blessed St. Scully."
Wow. A worm morphing into Ichabod Crane in a party hat. You either have an incredibly vivid imagination or the dosage on your medication needs to be rethought. - Dr. K
I think *I* need meds after trying to wrap my mind around Scully and
Ichabod Crane in the same sentence. - Dr. S.
"St. Scully blessing the Punk with a dance, a passionate tango to be exact. Like Sister Lens-of-Science might, I see tongue! Our Blessed St. Scully is forgiving, so despite the Punk's numerous follies and acts of ultimate jerkness, she will also bless him with a kiss (they're both just a little early on the tongue take-off.) Their heads are in the foreground near the bottom (white) and the inkblot is the background. Above is an upside down reflection of the same thing but it looks like their arms in a tango lock pose. A tad too analytical? That's what I see."
Stacey - you are correct ... and WAY too normal to be a member of the Order. I'm surprised they haven't scared you away by now. - Dr. K
Dr. K: I've been thinking that we should write another paper together...we
could call it "Folie A Deux Cents" (or are we up to Trois Cents yet here
at the Abbey?) - Dr. S.
Jill (from ny)
"I SEE IT! I SEE IT! forgive me, oh holy sceptic, (perhaps Sister-Lens-of Science is rubbing off on me) but I swear I see tongue in that inkblot!"
Sister Jill-From-NY - yes, but *where* exactly do you see the tongue, and whose tongue is it, hmm? I think you're just faking to get in Sister Lens' good graces. Damn you. - Dr. S.
Dr. S, I believe you're a bit confused. It's Sister *Lens* that always
talks about faking... oh, um, never mind. - Dr. K
"When you turn your monitor on its side, it looks like the mouth of that nasty ol' alligator that ate Queequeg."
Dear Leah, Now then, there's no need to use pejorative language in referring to the MOTW which provided the pretext for that wonderful ever-so-slightly-offshore M&S conversation. Furthermore, you seem to have forgotten that WE DID NOT SEE A BODY. The severed leash was just a clever ruse. In fact, Queequeg faked his death for reasons that I'm sure will be revealed in season six. My own guess is that 'e's merely pinin' for the fjords. - Dr. S.
Interesting theory Dr. S., but I question why a person would turn their *monitor* on its side when everyone knows it's much easier to climb up on your desk, stretch out sideways and ever so demurely tilt your head to the left, resting it gently on your hand. - Dr. K
Dr. K, at least you *have* a desk to climb up on. Bitch. - Dr. S.
"Christmas Carol!Mulder, reflected in a pool of wat... uh...Scullyritas. It´s so clear, look - he´s staring to the left, at his ringing phone, and he´s even wearing this ridiculous hat! Or not."
Sister Glasses, ThereThereThereThereThere. Next thing you'll be telling us is that there's such a thing as a fifth season blooper tape. Or not. - Dr. S.
The only thing clear to me is that Glasses is in desperate need of some
new ones. - Dr. K
"Scully with her blessed auburn locks wrapped in a towel having just gotten out of the bath (see "Chinga"), blotting her lipstick on the mirror."
Dear Sister Angel, strangely, that's exactly what I see. Oh, you mean *in the inkblot*. Um. Never mind. - Dr. S.
Sister Angel, I appreciate your encouraging others to "see Chinga" but
that will be very difficult since *someone* seems to have taken the tape
from the Abbey library. And Dr. S ... you gotta get out more. - Dr.
"At first, I thought it was one of Skinner's ties after it had been properly dunked in motor oil and stomped upon so that we never had to gaze upon it again. But then the scales fell from my eyes and the vision came to me of St. Scully and Mulder eating at an isolated truck stop late one evening after driving halfway across Montana on their way to yet another MUFON meeting, he once again thoughtlessly stealing her french fries even as she tries to gain back a little of the weight she lost during her illness, yet she simply gazes at him with resignation even though she ought to be slapping his hand away from the sustenance that could put the delicate rose back in her cheeks. Oh, wait, this is the Inkblot poll, not the Bulwer-Lytton contest, isn't it? Please pardon me...."
Dear Sister Kimiye, I'm afraid you are suffering from a disorder that is all too common among OBSSE members: TKS, or Tourette's Keyboard Syndrome. Fortunately, you do not display any of the Self-Aggrandizing Features which can make TKS so difficult to treat. My recommendation is that you channel your impulses into seeking homework extra credit. I would also suggest making "oopsie" part of your everyday vocabulary. - Dr. S.
(Dr. K wakes up with a start and says, "Your time is up. That'll be
But feel free to hallucinate...uh...dream on.
Right in the Kisser!
by Sister Paula R.
"I know how badly, how *very badly* you want to look through that window, but it would be pointless. It's dead. After the Ore-Ida Tater-Tot incident in 1947, it was agreed that--should any potato-human mutant survive--the country that held such shadowy lumpiness would be responsible for its extermination. I...uh...have the distinction of being one of three men to have exterminated such a root vegetable. A human potato was sighted over the Super Bowl in the fourth quarter. It was shot down and brought to us. Maybe it didn't know what a gun was, or perhaps they can't show emotion, but that spud-like and blank expression as I pulled the trigger has haunted me...."
Bored to tears by Jeffrey Spudner and Marita CovarruBEEus??? Loathe
CSM and Diana Fowley? For this month's poll - just for fun - tell us briefly
which character you most despise and how you would creatively
terminate him/her (without explosives):
Here's the latest batch of OBSSE recommendations to get you through this never ending summer of No New Scully. I've tried to include a few interesting twists this month in hopes that they'll give you the stamina you'll need to make it through this looonnnggg last month until the season premiere.
First, a few stories by old friends...
If you want to laugh at the way the consortium always underestimates Scully, I think you'll enjoy Jill Selby's look at a smug "Mr. Efficiency". For a touching "flickfic" from Leyla Harrison, tune into "Blur". Marguerite also has a post flick look at the price of saving Scully in "Worth Her Weight". If you've got recommendations, please email them to me at firstname.lastname@example.org. Also, special thanks to Shari and her Chronicle X archive for helping me to find a few pieces online mentioned in this column.
Meredith's stories are a must read for any Scully fan. She obviously understands and loves this character. My first pick is an interesting look at Scully from the inside from the perspectives of someone who is her and someone who is not quite, in the post-colonization piece, "A Show of Strength." For a short piece in which Scully makes a deal with the devil to save Mulder, check out, "Heaven In Hell's Despair." And in the "Not for Kids" catagory, try "Boundless," which proves that sometimes when you find what you've been looking for there is no joy, and you discover that the real truth has been with you all along. All of Meredith's work can be found at this website.
Dasha is fairly new on the fanfic scene, and she's made quite an impact. I really can't describe her "Jitterbug Perfume Trilogy" any better than she can, so I'll use her words: "Basically, your mother's worst nightmare: angst, booze, bad language, techno music, smoking, lesbians in high heels, smut, tight t-shirts, slash, and even some love thrown in for the heck of it." Sounds scary, I know, but trust me. This is adult stuff, and not for the faint of heart, but I haven't lied to you before, have I? Is it warm in here??? A little less hot, but still good is "Momentary Lapses" in which Scully confesses her sins and tries to stop being weak. All of Dasha's work can be found at this website.
This is an author you may not have heard of before. She's written just three pieces. Her latest, "Procedures", has Mulder and Scully on a case in Seattle meeting up with Agent Willmore from the X-Files game. This one's a case file for those of you who enjoy some actual investigation mixed in with your UST. All of Stephanie's work can be found at this website.
Another fresh face on the fanfic scene, Brighid already has delivered
some wonderful pieces. Unfortunately, her work can be hard to find as there
is no website featuring it as of yet. I had to dig through Dejanews for
some of it. Too bad, because this is a new author with a strong understanding
of our favorite Fed. In fact, this author does something that I've seen
very few do well. She writes first person Scully pieces so convincingly
that I feel I'm hearing her thoughts. "More
Full of Weeping" is a sad and sweet lovingly written tale of Scully
working through loss. This is good stuff, folks. For a haunting case file
complete with Psychic!Scully, take a look at Pophyria's
Lover (part 1) and "
Pophyria's Lover (part 2)".
by Sister Autumn T.
This month we saw the video release of The X-Files movie: Fight the Future complete with some unseen footage. The video, which was released in both pan and scan and widescreen formats, came out on October 13 (imagine that) and features exclusive interviews with Chris Carter and Gillian Anderson. To get even more money out of devoted fans, a "special" Collector's Giftset will be available in early November, priced at US $79.98. In addition to a widescreen copy of the film, the giftset includes: a numbered script printed on non-reproducible (yeah right) red paper -- as was done for the film; five individual frames from the 35mm film print; 8 x 10 reprints of the three theatrical posters; an additional, all-new, exclusive to the giftset "behind-the-scenes" videocassette program entitled "The Making of 'The X-Files;'" plus a special "Making of the X-Files" book from Harper-Collins (which chances are you already own).
Things are also shaping up nicely (unless someone who shall remain nameless breaks their contract) for the X-Files to run through at least seven seasons. In addition to having David and Gillian locked in, Chris Carter recently penned a production deal with 20th Century Fox TV, which sources said was worth $25-$30 million over five years. Part of this contract dictates that he remain the executive producer of The X-Files through season seven. The troubling part is that he will be splitting his time between X-Files, Millennium, and yet another pilot in development, not to mention a pie in the sky idea that work on the next X-Files film might start as early as next summer. I'll believe that when I see it. (In fact, most reports now say that that won't happen.)
It's going to be a Mighty fine fall for Gillian Anderson fans. In addition to "Chicago Cab" with her memorable short segment leaking out in some markets and film festivals, her new film "The Mighty" will be released on October 9 in New York and Los Angeles and then nationwide October 16. This means that October is a good month to keep an eye out for promotional appearances of The Earthly Incarnation talking about her work in the film, which is, from what I hear, simply amazing (not to mention her wardrobe).
Filming for the X-Files is back in full swing with work on episode six
just starting up. The season opens November 8 with "The Beginning," continues
with the Vince Gilligan penned episode "Drive," and then segues nicely
into the almost indescribable Chris Carter written and directed episode
that, if it plays as well as it reads, will be a huge treat for Scullyists.
Episodes 4 and 5 are a two-parter entitled "Dreamland," which contains
some destined to be classic scenes that you won't want to miss. All I will
say to protect the spoiler free is we get a hilarious peak at a room we've
never seen before. At this point, I'm pretty optimistic for an interesting
and fresh new season.
New Sisters and Brothers!
by Sister Lens-of-Science
Every month we spotlight a few recent additions to our OBSSE family. Welcome to all of our new Sisters and Brothers:
More glory to Her greatness and scientific explanations everlasting to Her cause! Praise She of Immortal Understanding and Godlike Patience! May Her cellphone be held high for all to see and Her may Her flashlight shine forever like a beacon for us to find our way through the darkness that is Mulder's theories! Praise Her for she is righteousness incarnate!
The movie did a lot to make me appreciate Scully ... more than I had in the short time I had been watching the X-Files. I loved her ordering the building cleared ("MAKE IT HAPPEN!"). I admired her airline reservation skills. After a half-hour in cold storage and taking the time to run some test on tissue samples, she still managed to make it to Dallas in what appeared to be minutes after Mulder. Then, after all she had been through, she still pulls herself over to Mulder to warm him up with her body heat (instead of just passing out like I would have and Mulder did!).
Adrianne solemnly offers:
I am vertically challenged. I can't seem to get laid. I eat ice cream directly from the carton. I have seriously contemplated having a serpent tattooed on my back in honor of the Blessed One. Her words have inspired me. Her visage graces my domicile. I like Breakfast at Tiffany's. What more can I say?
Ever since the beginning I have admired Scully for being different from every other TV female: stubbornly remaining strong, opinionated, and practical without sacrificing such stereotypically "feminine" traits as compassion and sensitivity; and refusing to use her sexuality (though that doesn't mean she doesn't HAVE any sexuality, 1013, if you're listening, hello) to wriggle her way to the top. She is everything I aspire to be: strong, brilliant, loving, fair, serene, beautiful. She is also, of course, vertically challenged, a trait I proudly share with her. :) I have been pleased to be reminded this past season that she also is plagued by doubts and second thoughts: about her "daughter," her religious beliefs, her lack of belief in the unexplained, even her relationship with He Who I Don't Really Think Is That Bad But Who Nevertheless Is Obviously Not Entirely Worthy Of Her.
I've been mimicking St. Scully's one-time impulsive act of adorning her perfect lower back with an indelible mark. I just doodle all the time as a by-product of class lectures and came upon this simple yet poignant design of a tiny 'S' wrapped around a miniature cross. When I transferred the insignia on to my wrist, I knew I was imprinted not just on my skin. (It's not a real tattoo (not yet) but I retouch it with the most permanent marker-pen I can use.)
Red Head vows:
I love it when our saint kicks butt and tells off people. I have endured lots for our Saint [like waiting for 2 1/2 hours to get to see "Chicago Cab"]. In short, I want to devote my life to Saint Scully and all her greatness.
Scully is the reason I watch the X-Files. It would still be good if there was just Mulder, but Scully puts it over the top. Her inner beauty matches her physical beauty, a lethal combination :)
by Sister Kara (aka Zod)
That's all for this month, folks! Special thanks
go, as always, to our Elder of the Newsletter Sister Paula R. for putting
this issue together, Sister La..Dee..Da.. for all of her fine graphic work,
and to all our writers and contributors. "News for the OBSSEsed"/OBSSE
is copyright 1998 by Nancy Cotton.