Gobbling Up Some Good XF!

Sigh...

I'm writing to you, my dear friends, after seeing the official airing of "Triangle."  (I had the rare and wonderful pleasure [thanx Rob and Jen!] of getting a sneak peak at the episode about 10 days before it aired.) And I have to say again: "Thank you Mr. Carter!"

Oh sure, this was CC's Emmy bid. Oh yeah, this was contrived. But do I care? Hell, no! I LOVED it! I ate it up! I feel used and abused, and I'm LOVING it!

All I can say now, CC, is keep 'em coming, and may the wind be forever in our sails (heh...heh....).

Oh, and before I go, allow me to apologize (profusely) for the delay in this month's newsletter and the haste with which it has been thrown...I mean...every so lovingly crafted together. Real life demands demand that this month's newsletter be short on editing, so please, overlook our mistakes, ok? We promise to make it up to ya'll next month when we present our special OBSSE HOLIDAY EXTRAVAGANZA issue!

Hey! I warned you this month I was LAME!

Happy Thanksgiving, ya'll! As far as XF goes, we've got a lot to be thankful for this year. Godspeed!

RevMa Nancy (no clever sig)

OBSSE Web Ring Premieres
by RevMa Nancy

Hey guess what? We've got our own web ring now! That's right, thanks to the generosity and hard work of Sister Stacey O., we're tying together all OBSSE related sites to make our Scullycentric takeover of the Net  more complete   (That was a joke...ha...ha....). Please visit the OBSSE Webring home page, and read all about it. All OBSSEcentric web sites are invited to join. (Yes, we mean OBSSEcentric, not Scullycentric/not GAcentric. We're a webring with a purpose, ok?) If you have any questions about the web ring, contact Sister Stacey. If you have complaints about not getting in, contact me. :-)

OBSSEsed Fest '99: The Date is Set
By Sister Nanchita

As our good friend the CSM would say, the date is set for the OBSSE gathering in 1999. We hope to see everyone there. Well, at least 75 of you. We're afraid that we are going to have to limit this year's registration to 75 members, which may not seem like much compared to the 1,200 members that we have, but it's still a 50 percent increase over the registration for the Inaugural Fest in Austin. We would love to see all of you, but if it's too big, we're afraid we will lose the intimacy and sense of camaraderie that made Fest 98 so special. It also makes it much harder to blackmail your fellow members if you're not sure whether the person you just saw sneaking off with a Scully action figure is a member of The Quiet Ones or just an unemployed snowboarder looking for something cool to tape to his mountain bike.

Anyway, the OBSSE will be holding this much anticipated event at the Beaver Village Resort in Winter Park, Colorado. Winter Park is about 70 miles west of Denver in the Rocky Mountains, so we can look forward to some gorgeous (and much cooler) scenery. We are reserving some two bedroom/two bath condos that should provide ample room for everyone. They also have a large common room with a kitchen that we will use for our, uh, common events. However, PLEASE DO NOT CONTACT THEM NOW. They have a busy winter ahead and do not want to be hearing from any of us until late next spring. We will let you know when they (and we) are ready to start taking names and money. All you need to do now is start saving up your ScullyBucks and dreaming of 75 wimple clad men and women let loose upon the countryside.

Oh, I'm sorry, did I forget to say exactly when? Please forgive me, I just get a little excited thinking about all the fun we're going to be having, all the videos to watch, the games to play, the trials to hold, the snack trays to organize. Back to business! The dates for OBSSEsed Fest '99 are Thursday, June 17 - Sunday, June 20, 1999. Get that vacation request in soon! And stay tuned to this OBSSE channel for more details in the coming months.

A Meditation on Gratitude
(Or "What to Be Thankful for While You're Pounding the Turkey")
by Sister Cathy B.

Ah, November in New England. Attractive fall foliage, the smell of bonfires, the nip in the air. At this time of year, one looks forward to spending cozy evenings curled up by the fire, circling for an hour around the mall parking lot before finally and profanely settling for a spot half a mile away, and watching the ridiculously late season premieres of those few shows which, laughably, have not yet begun their fall seasons, perhaps because the networks to which they are unfortunately bound thought it best - after months and months of repeats and broadcasts of an overrated and insufferably dull little game involving men hitting things with sticks and running, for which they are paid more money in a year than most of us will see in our entire lives - to delay yet one MORE week and instead subject viewers to a second-rate dinosaur sequel that can be rented at Blockbuster for approximately the cost of a bag of cucumbers.

Hmm, where was I? Ah yes, November. The central event of this month is, of course, the holiday of Thanksgiving, when we here in the United States give, well, thanks. Here in Massachusetts, Thanksgiving has a special meaning for us, as it was in what would become our humble little Commonwealth that the brave pilgrims first set foot on Plymouth Rock and befriended the kindly Indians, who despite not actually being Indian overlooked this small error and taught my WASPy ancestors how to plant food in the infertile, barren, ova-less ground. The upstanding pilgrims rewarded the helpful Indians by holding a multicultural Thanksgiving Feast, in which all shared in the harvest that had been brought about by hard work and cooperation, and then later by mowing them down so they could have room for golf courses and ski resorts. (Obviously there were no secret informants around reminding everybody to Trust No One.)

Today we commemorate this event by watching football, dressing in dorky pilgrim outfits, and stuffing our faces with turkey and other delights which, far from being brought about by hard work and cooperation, are all available at Stop & Shop. This reporter will be rolling up her sleeves and applying good old-fashioned elbow grease to the creation of her famous, Rather Like TBO's Hair In Its Color Homemade New England Country Delight Pumpkin Pie (Just Like Mom's). In between opening the can of pie filling (also available at Stop & Shop) and dumping it into the pre-baked pie crust (also...yep), she will perhaps take a moment to contemplate the meaning of this special holiday - which is, of course, being thankful.

We Philes and Scullyists have a lot to be thankful for. It may not seem that way sometimes, when we have to wait half a year for new episodes and the set appears to be full of Rampant Pissiness and men with scary blonde mustaches give away the plot of half the upcoming season. But Thanksgiving is all about putting aside one's petty grievances and pausing to remember all we have that is good. So while you're enjoying your turkey dinner this year, straighten your wimple, place your hands demurely before your plate, and bow your head in supplication (and so your uncle can see over you to the TV) to meditate on these 10 things for which we can all be grateful.

Without further ado (because no more ado will fit), I present:

The Top Ten Things to Be Thankful For This Thanksgiving

10. Season Six. Yes, it's late. But we're getting one, and there was a time when we thought we might not. And in addition to that, forecasts for upcoming episodes are looking good, and hopefully, now that The Movie is behind us, we won't be encumbered this year with Scully-less episodes, hampered creativity, distracted creators, or leads who are grumpy because they've been doing the show for 21 months without a break. Besides, I heard on Access Hollywood... [CENSORED.

9. Seasons One through Five. They may be over, but we've all got them on tape (well, most of us do), and no matter what happens to our beloved characters in the future - further abductions, nonsensical plot twists, a giant mudslide followed by an earthquake and a riot destroying the set and everyone on it, another Shiban ep - we will always have past episodes to entertain us, console us, and enable us to live happily and oblivious in a fantasy world til the day we die. ;-)

8. The 1999 X-Files Calendar. Finally, Those Who Make Calendars seem to have gotten the hint (hopefully via incredibly poor sales last year) that blurry, monochromatic pictures of vague and obscure special-effects shots (or maybe not, I can't tell) are not what the general Phile public envisions hanging on the wall for twelve months. This year's offering includes plenty of pictures of the Actual People who inhabit the show, recognizable scenes from episodes, and even a highly advanced photographic technique called Color. St. Scully be praised!

7. The Internet. Well, I don't know what *I'd* do without it. I remember the days when I was an ST:TNG fan, and precious bits of information about the show and the actors were damn hard to come by. I made weekly pilgrimages to the comic book store to see if the new Starlog was out, in hopes of finding out just what the name of that guy who played Riker was. Now, Gillian does a power saw commercial in Finland and within 24 hours it's uploaded to the Web, complete with screen captures and a transcript; within 48 hours it's been analyzed and dissected by the online fan community; and within 72 hours it's old news and anyone asking about it is told to read the FAQ and stop trolling. Ah, the life!

6. Action figures. With the way the collectible market has exploded, buying these quaint figurines is an investment in your future. If they are adequately preserved, someday these plastic children's toys could be sold to pay for such niceties as a car or even a college education. And besides, THEY'RE SO TEENY! LOOK, IT'S TEENY TINY MULDER AND SCULLY! THEY HAVE LITTLE MUNCHKIN CLOTHES! THEY HAVE TINY PHONES AND TINY BADGES! YOU CAN MAKE THEM KISS! HEE-HEE! A-hem. I'm sorry. Just make sure you don't take them out of the box; their value decreases.

5. "Kill Switch." I know, it was sort of covered in number 9. But, damn, it kicked ass.

4. Fanfic. Nothing chases the Scullynemic blues away like a great Phile-written story. Yes, there are a lot of, let's say, well-intentioned but ultimately imperfect efforts, but the masterpieces are out there, and if you find one that's long enough you can make it last for several weeks and pretend it's part of the mytharc. Or you can be like me and read all 458K of Iolokus IV: Res Judicata in one sitting, and then have a standing-in-line-at-the-DMV-sized headache the next morning when you finally lug yourself out of bed.

3. Gillian Anderson. Our own dear Earthly Incarnation has seen fit to honor us for the last five years with her layered and beautiful performances, her nuanced expressions, and her unbelievably adorable giggle. She even sang to us at the New York Expo. May the years ahead be filled with prizes and road maps.

2. The Order of the Blessed Saint Scully the Enigmatic. Where else can a Scullyist go to properly worship the Blessed One? I've only been here a few months, but already I feel quite at home. The Abbey is tastefully decorated in muted beiges, the bathrooms are clean and violent-death free, the inhabitants are all right-haired and extremely un-prancy, and the Mulder Pool Floaties are a nice bonus. (Note to self: Check whether a Plaid Shirt and Faded Jeans Mulder With Soft Season-Four-Era Hair is available for the holiday season. With gift wrap, yeah. Because it's, um, a gift. That's it.) Just being in this holy place causes the serenity to flow through me. Oh, whoops, that was someone dumping a Scullyrita on my head. Par-taaay!

And the number one thing to be thankful for this Thanksgiving is:

1. St. Scully.
Well, what did you think it was going to be, food and shelter? Loved ones? Peace on earth? Pshaw. Those things are all fine and dandy and have their place, I suppose. Whatever. But come on, we're Scullyists. Nothing ranks above She of the Exceptionally Pressed Pantsuits, She of the Divinely Aided Travel Time, She Who Ninja-Kicks Porno Nurses Without Impairing Her Strawberry-Scented Coiffure, She Who Can Make Her Pants Disappear and Reappear at Will, She Who Eats Chicken Straight From the Bucket, She Who Showers Love and Compassion Upon the Undeserving and Punkish Gel-Saturated Head of Her Sidekick. We are privileged to worship Her, and to be inspired to emulate Her saintliness and lead better, more skeptical lives. Hoo boy.

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody. Down a drumstick for TBO. And don't forget to try the pumpkin pie. Did I mention it's homemade?

A Special to "News for the OBSSEsed" by XF Home Journal editor, Sister Paula R.

Join us as FBI Agents Mulder and Scully describe the conflicting feelings that occasionally threaten their partnership. Working closely together for over five years against government conspiracy and assorted paranormal phenomena, they are unable to pinpoint and resolve certain issues in their relationship. As you will see, our counselors objectively and fairly evaluate the behavior of each partner in order to help them.

Agent Scully's Turn: "Once, when I was a little girl, a very little girl... I was in the woods.... I had always been a tomboy, unlike my sister Melissa. For my birthday my brothers gave me a b.b. gun and were showing me how to use it. Our father had told us only to shoot cans."

Counselors' Turn: "Fascinated with her story, we gently interrupted the attractive, petite, intelligent, tastefully dressed, intuitive, enigmatic, well-coiffed, redheaded FBI agent after complimenting her hairstyle to bring her into the present and suggest she may like to shoot at something other than a can. It was painfully evident to us that Agent Scully was internalizing deep-seated emotions regarding her partner. While admiring the cut of her stylish jacket, we carefully probed to uncover any recent loutish behavior from Agent Mulder that would cause her to experience even a microcosm of disturbing inner turmoil."

Agent Scully's Turn: "I have felt troubled. We've been through so much together. Together we've faced Senate panels, overgrown parasites, past lives, mind control, killer cats - and trees... great ...big... lizards ... there was that time I was stuffed in a trunk ... I could go on and on. But nothing prepared me, I think, for the sight of Mulder in an emotionally intimate moment with Agent Fowley.... They seemed so close -- I didn't want to intrude. Why didn't he tell me he had a past with her? Why hadn't he mentioned her before? I thought I had the strength of his convictions, but now I'm not so sure."

Counselors' Turn: "Collectively, we were pretty mad at Agent Mulder."

Agent Mulder's Turn: "Can I --"

Counselors' Turn: "Right away Agent Mulder was on the defensive, a typical response from siblings of alien abductees. A tall man in his late thirties, he came to initial counseling sessions unwilling to pay attention to clues or acknowledge the part he played in problems between himself and his partner."

Agent Mulder's Turn: "Well, I--"

Counselors' Turn: "Obviously we were not going to get a word in edgewise. We explored with Agent Mulder the need to validate his partner -- to express to her the deep meaning she held for him. This was difficult for him to conceptualize, and it took many one-on-one sessions to impart this brand new idea.

"In the end, we coached him with sample phraseology, i.e., 'You've kept me honest -- you've made me a whole person. I owe you everything, Scully, and you owe me nothing.' Though Mulder tended to reverse this last sentence in particular, we found constant repetition and the use of sharp pointy sticks (sensory perceptual training) effective in his mastering this important communication skill."

Agent Mulder's Turn: "I don't think I--"

Counselors' Turn: "Once again, Agent Mulder responded with a barrage of self-defense. We worked closely with him, providing visual aids to demonstrate how he could restore foundational trust in his social and professional relationship with Agent Scully. For example, rather than hand-holding, we suggested a gentle nudge, a shove, or even a shin kick to Agent Fowley should she be in close proximity again. We were encouraged by his statement, 'I've done okay without you,' but we suggested a loud accompanying, 'I don't trust you,' to ensure clear interpretation of his intentions to onlookers.

"We also provided Agent Scully with a pair of barbecue tongs and instructed her in the practice of firmly grasping her partner's nose or other presenting body parts with the utensil -- physically removing him from private encounters with Agent Fowley. Agent Scully willingly embraced this strategy, and enjoys carrying tongs as a backup."

Agent Scully's Turn: "I like them."

Counselors' Turn: "It was important for Agent Scully to know that she had every right to feel annoyed at her partner's oversight. Not telling her about his past with Diana Fowley was hard to forgive and it was only natural that it would take time to absorb the new information. We reminded her that Agent Mulder had some explaining to do as he apparently knew more games than Stratego. We asked Mulder if he was serious about aligning his behavior with his intentions, and if so what he planned to do in order to make this up to his partner."

Mulder's Turn: "Er..."

Counselor's Turn: "Although Agent Mulder seemed confused, he actually suffered from a neurological disorder of speech, caused by damage to the cranial nerve by excessive hole drilling in his skull. It took many weeks to correct his distorted articulation problems. With intensive sensory perceptual training [see above] and cuing, he was able to produce, 'You're my one in five billion,' -- a tremendous improvement over his initial 'You're my one fine billygoat.' In fact, his efforts were rewarded one evening when Agent Scully stormed past a receptionist-corpse (irksome in itself) and shot at a large bug on his behalf while he was otherwise restrained. She even yelled to scare the bug. We reminded him that communication -- especially compliments -- would naturally cause his partner to feel more helpful toward him. Impressed by the benefits, Agent Mulder agreed, and promised to experiment more in this area. We suggested he substitute 'the hot tub is ready...' for 'the virus is extraterrestrial...' while wearing a snug grey t-shirt and keep us updated as to the results.

"In conclusion, Agents Mulder and Scully continue to attend regular sessions and are slowly recognizing their errors in communication. They are gradually implementing changes in the way they interact. Our hope is that they become confident in their newfound skills and become capable of saving their partnership by themselves."

Please note: The story told in "Can This Partnership Be Saved?" is true, as are the characters and the <cough> details.

OBSSE Holiday Crafts:
Make Your Own "WWSD?" Bracelet
by RevMa Nancy

It's that time of year again, friends. The Holiday Season is officially upon us. And what better way to celebrate AND save your hard earned cash all for yourself than by making some cheap-ass, lame-o, homemade gift for your X-File family members and friends?

This month, we present "WWSD?" bracelets. Don't know what "WWSD?" stands for? Well, you heathen! You certainly haven't been to a Christian church, lately, now have you? "WWSD?" is a take off, of course, of "WWJD?," which stands for "What Would Jesus Do?" My kids make these things all the time in Sunday School. They're very popular with the elementary school set. And now you too can have your very own (adapted for OBSSE home use) "What Would Scully Do?" bracelet or charm to remind you of The Blessed One throughout the holiday season. Oh the anticipation! Simply follow the ever so basic instructions below, and you'll be well on your way to making really cheap gifts for your friends and family.

You Will Need:

1. Some small leatherlike thread or string. Dental floss will do in a pinch. Cat gut has an especially nice Scullycentric quality about it, if you can get your hands on some.

2. Alphabet beads: W, W, S, D, ? (Duh.) and any other beads you'd like to purchase to "dress up" your creation. You can buy an extra "S" if you prefer to call her "St. Scully." (As pictured above, elegantly draped in English Ivy. I highly recommend this form of address. It will definitely mark your gift as being "OBSSE.")

3. A wrist, ankle, neck, or rear view mirror to drape your creation from.

1. First, thread the beads onto your string. By all means, make sure you get the sequence right! If you screw up and spell "SWWD" you're liable to get folks thinking you're a walking personal ad.  ("Single, White, Woman, Divorced" seeks....well...you know.)

2. Next, either in between your alpha letters or immediately before and following placement of your alpha letters, add on some additional, colorful beads to brighten up your Scullycentric creation. I like to add red, white, and green beads to mine in honor of the holiday season (as pictured at right, next to an admirering MalibuBarbie!Scully doll). Or, if you plan to foist...uh...I mean lovingly present your creation to another OBSSE member, you may want to dress up your work of art with some dark red, white, and black beads, in keeping with the Official OBSSE colors.

3. Tie the bloody thing up, but make sure it fits over your wrist or neck before doing so. Untying those little threads can be a real bitch. Just ask MalibuBarbie!Scully above. She's all thumbs!

4. Wrap it. Spend a little extra cash on the paper--maybe some nice foil Holiday paper--to fool your friends into thinking momentarily that you really aren't a complete loser.

by Sister Autumn T.

First, for those of you who remember last month's column, you will be glad to know that Brother RJ wrote me (thankfully only once this time) and pronounced himself "cured." Despite his declaration, we are still not letting him near the knives and are keeping a watchful eye on him. I guess we should count ourselves lucky that RJ's little "break down" was the only major Abbey incident of this long hiatus. I suspect now that the season is back in swing my mailbag will be a little lighter. Then again Shiban is still on staff, 1013 thinks the fans loved "Travelers," Duchovny continues to give interviews, and Spudner keeps getting written into episodes. I guess I better not speak too soon. So, if you need help, advice, or just a kind word, write to me at Ask Sister Autumn, and I'll make sure you get the assistance you deserve.

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Dear Sister Autumn,

Forgive me, Sister, for I have sinned.

Someone on another list asked for whatever biographical information we have been given thus far on TBO, and I could not remember everything! I forgot several dates, and may have gotten certain facts wrong, and I am mortified at my error. I knew I was missing something, but I could not recall what! Is there some spiritual exercise I can practice that will help me to gain and retain the knowledge any good Sister or Brother should have about our Saint?

Sister Phorgetfull in Philly
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Dear Sister Ph,

I'm going to let you in on a little secret here. Just about the only biographical information we really know about Scully to be totally accurate is her name and birthday, and frankly we should be glad 1013 has managed to keep that consistent over the years with their track record. Other than that, how are we supposed to keep track of where she lives, how long she was missing, whether she has a fridge or an armoire in her living room, when she got her cross, when she joined the X-Files, why her height seems to vary so much, when she wrote her thesis, and where the hell that "Babe" loving nephew came from if the writers can't be bothered with such details? So, in a nutshell, here is what you need to know: Dana Katherine Scully, 2/23/64, medical doctor, looks fetching in pantsuits, good shot, very very smart. Tell me you can remember that much.

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Dear Sister Autumn, a sister who is kind and forgiving,

Please forgive a weak sister, who has sinned. I need your help. I know St. Scully is the great and almighty, but I have had bad thoughts, thoughts of the one we call Punk. Please help me, for I am weak. I see his eyes, and his hair, and I....... help me. What advice can you offer me, put my mind at ease. Help me stop those bad thoughts I have, help me stop my sinning.

Losing it,

Soster Noodle
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Dear "Soster" Noodle, and what a fitting name you've picked dear!

Thank you for noticing my kind and forgiving nature. For some reason that seems to escape most people. It's a mystery to me as to why. Now as to your problem, two words: cold shower. If that doesn't work don't stop at his eyes or his hair. Imagine his mouth opening and him saying something like "I hate to interrupt your little crisis of faith pity party Scully but I've got a call from Marita coming in. Now be a good little gal and bring the car around would ya?"

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Dear Sister Autumn (who everybody should strive to be more like),

What should one do to become a better, more active member of the Order? And uh ... I ran over my Mulder action figure with a lawnmower and it wasn't an accident.

Much mad props to you,

Sister Foo
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Little Sister Foo-Foo,

The lawnmower? Wow. Were you trying to give it that 2nd season "weedwacker" haircut or what? Here I thought I was bad for trying to drown a Mulder doll in a wrong-blended crunchy margarita just so he might have a little more sympathy as to what The Blessed One has gone through. As for what you can do for the Order, well, something tells me you might be very well suited as a kitchen worker. I bet you could handle a potato peeler with the best of them.

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Dearest Sister Autumn,

I have never felt this utterly confused. This is the first time I attempt to find comfort from your wisdom. I hope you can share some of your well-used time.

"One Breath" has always given me a great feeling of strength, and I have cherished "Elegy" more than a thousand other episodes in the life of the Immortal Blessed One. But now I feel like I have started liking the episodes which are more Punk-centric, such as "Anasazi," "Tunguska" and even *please forgive me, a teary-eyed sinner* "3." What shall I do? I have tried everything your *incredible* website tells but I feel more confused than I was before. Am I going insane?

One more question: is liking "Ally McBeal" a sin? My reason says it's not, but my heart says I have sinned and I am not worthy to be OBSSE.

Hoping to share a piece of your great wisdom and light,

sister dayna (who doesn´t dare to use capital letters in her name anymore)
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dayna,

Believe it or not I was with you all the way up to "Ally McBeal." You see, what's not to like about "Anasazi"? After all Scully shoots the PUNK. "Tunguska" is a personal favorite of mine because while Mulder looks like a "Michael Dukakis with the tank" wannabe, SWAT!Scully is ready to kick some serious ass. And "3"? Well "3" tells us just how STUPID Mulder is when Scully is not around. However, how you could enjoy a show in which the lead character is absolutely everything Her Pantsuitedness is not is beyond me. I think Ally could take a lesson or twelve in professionalism from The Blessed One. Let's just say with that outfit you sure as heck aren't going to see Ally doing a "stop, drop, and roll" anytime soon.

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Greetings O one whose brilliance outshines the brightest glowworm,

I think my pet axolotl is growing into another Mulder-moron. It is growing bigger and bigger and has a total disregard for its fellow axolotl, although it has beautiful red gills. Perhaps it is going to be a Scully clone and the other axolotl shall be another Fowley bad bad Fowley oh I don't like her. Well that's just an opinion. Of course if it wasn't an opinion, what would it be? Perhaps an onion? I've seen it happen...

Sister Hogfish

(Also belonging to the Ancient Holy Sacred Order of the Almighty Death-defying Classical Religion of IT, just for the record)
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Sister Hogfish? You scare me.

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Dear Wise Sister Autumn, Who Chewed This Lowliest Sister Out A Few Months Ago,

I was fortunate enough to live only a mile away from the "Tonight Show" studios in Burbank, and have made pilgrimages to the show to see Ms. Anderson. My pilgrimages were great hardships, involving sleeping on the concrete steps of Guest Relations at 3 AM, and waiting thirteen hours outside of the studio doors to be first in line and as close to the sacred Ms. Anderson as I could get. I feel that I have been blessed by her appearance in my life many times; by the black-and-white autographed 8x10 glossy I received after writing fan letters (she said herself that I was one of her first fan letters), by bending knee at the Burbank Convention, and breathing her sacred air yet again in the "Tonight Show" studio (which, incidentally, cured me of a rather nasty head cold). Once I learned of the move to Los Angeles, I even joined Central Casting (they cast movie and television extras) in hopes of seeing Her Pantsuitedness yet again.

And then, TRAGEDY!

For financial reasons, I have moved to Hell Pit Of Fire, Phoenix. I feel so removed, so separated, right at a moment when I was anticipating the greatest religious experiences of my life! Right when Mecca had come to live with me! How do I combat this disappointment? Am I becoming dangerously obsessed, or am I merely ungrateful for what I do have? I fear that I cannot move backwards now that I have breathed the air of St. Scully's medium twice, the kind medium who, despite "Tonight Show" policy, jumped up to sign autographs for her devoted fans during commercial breaks.

I remain in a continual state of agitation over this matter. It is quite likely that I will never have this transcendental moment again. What am I to do? I await your answer in most fervent prayer.

Sister CC Decker
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Dear CC,

I chewed you out? Gee, that doesn't sound like me. First, you should know that this letter will probably make you real popular with our Arizona satellite division known as "The Sisters of Phoenix" who I think were blissfully unaware they were living in hell. Poor things. This is really going to come as a shock to the dears - especially coming from someone from Los Angeles. Speaking of Los Angeles, I'm having a hard time buying the "great hardship" and "pilgrimage" parts of your story. Traveling a mile to see the lovely, talented and (as you point out) generous Ms. Anderson is not quite a pilgrimage. It's more like a stroll. I too have been lucky enough to meet her twice. However, my visits included actually having to use an airplane, or for that matter a car. Phoenix is a mere drive from Los Angeles. Where there is a will there is a way. I will give you points for being one of the first fans to write to her. That showed great vision which it seems can be difficult with the initials "CC".

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Dear Sister Autumn,

You, being the most beautiful of all seasonal sisters, should be more than qualified to answer this brief question (or 5) for little old me.

After gazing upon the enigmatic countenance of Her Holiness, it seems to me that She displays just a touch of jealousy towards the Other One. Why is this? Is this a territorial behavior? Is She afraid that the Other One will invade the X-Files division? Or is it something a little more personal--something to do with the way that the Other One gazes at the Blessed One's partner? And if it is truly jealousy that I see on Her face, do you think we can plan to see some more kick-boxing? (Surely I wasn't the only one smitten by Her fighting tactics in "Kill Switch.")

Yours humbly,

PUNKmulder
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What an Interesting Moniker you've chosen. Is there something you're not sharing?

Yes, I do believe it is a touch of jealousy The Blessed One felt towards that Fowley woman. However, look at it this way. That was before Mulder said those words that we in the OBSSE knew all along "I owe you everything Scully and you owe me nothing." Given Mulder's propensity towards discounting and ditching it is possible that She might, as amazing as this sounds to you or I, have had an occasional moment of doubt - especially when confronted with pure evil. As for the kick-boxing scenario? Color me there. After seeing the outfit Mimi Rogers wore to the X-Files movie premiere imagining a few swift roundhouse porno-nurse kicks followed by The Blessed One removing the hair from her eyes in a delightful manner is not difficult at all.

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She-Whose-Wisdom-and-Beauty-and-Compassion-and-All-Around-Niftyness-Is- Eclipsed-Only-By-The-Spiffyness-of-She-We-Venerate-So- Completely,

Not too long ago, I wrote you in the hopes that you could solve a matter for me, involving my worship of several, as you called them, false idols and my subsequent hesitancy as to whether I should join the Order.

Your answer was like a cold trout-slap to the face and was exactly the kick in the pantsuit I needed. Soon after, I joined the Order and sequestered myself in the Abbey's sub-basement, with a case of Perk! cola, several bags of Chili Cheese Fritos, and only the Abbey's resident band of leprechauns to keep me company.

After a few weeks, I had regained the ability to care for myself (even though those wacky leprechauns kept insisting on being the ones to brush my teeth). Since then, through an excellent regiment of daily spiritual exercises and mental acuity tests, I have taught myself of these not-so- saintly ones' true place in the overall scheme of saintdom: they are in no way equals of Her Saintliness. In fact, they are unworthy of any honor that would place them even in the same galaxy as the Blessed Saint Herself!

Anyhoo, it was just recently, as I was making my preparations to reintegrate myself with the outside world, that I came across Sister Squat's research on Seasonal Scully Absence Disorder. It was quite a startling revelation for me, as I had never even heard of the existence of such a condition. And I realized that *that* was what I had been suffering from: a bizarre and totally unheardof symptom of SSAD that caused me to look to those who are less worthy, in order to fulfill my daily requirement of Scully! Blinded by this malady, I reached out for anyone who could possibly fill St. Scully's pumps in this time of No-New-Scully, and because this affliction had so clouded my senses, I believed I had truly found others who were as worthy of veneration as She. (Except for the whole Ms. Parker thing: that I blame on hormones.)

So I write you, Sister Autumn, in the hopes that you, O Dearest and Demurest Elder, Wielder of the Sacred Trout, will find it in your heart to forgive me my unwitting transgressions. And I also hope that Sister Squat will, at the very least, consider me an interesting case study.

Oh, and the leprechauns wanted me to let you and everyone else know that they offer quite a comprehensive dental plan to those interested. (I have the Plankton Eater package; what a bargain!)

Yours in St. Scully,

Sister Cerulean (aka Leah Frey)
----------

Dear Brother RJ. Oops sorry, I have no idea why I might have mistaken the two of you. None whatsoever. Ahem. Dear Sister Cerulean,

I had several thoughts when reading your rather lengthy treatise which I believe meanders to a point somewhere near paragraph 6. First, on the good side, you do win the monthly opening suck up contest (and there was some stiff competition). However, beyond that, for your sake I am so very, very glad the season has finally begun. Just a suggestion: while I would never deny anyone chili cheese fritos, it might behoove you to slow down a little on the Perk! as I think some sort of chemical reaction is taking place in your body that has caused you to confuse some of our more vertically challenged Sisters with leprechauns. The teeth thing I'm not touching. I'm thinking you might be more of a candidate for a visit down to the office of Drs. K and Sarah Tonin than Sister Squat's research.

Poll Results:
Nobody Light A Match!
by Sister Paula R.

Last month we asked readers about the X-Files character they most despised and how they would like to see them creatively eliminated from the show -- without the use of explosives. Perhaps it was the *mention* of explosives that caused our readers' imaginations to run unchecked, as it was rather difficult to find poll results *without* graphic explosive descriptions. Yes, we're talking to you. You know who you are. And as a matter of interest, Diana Fowley received the most votes as a despised character, followed closely by Jeffrey Spudner and Marita Covarrubius, respectively. Here are a few of our less disturbing contributions:

Sister Phyllis marie:
"I would kill Marita. First I would go to her apt in NY and put that hallucenogenic stuff in her water system. Soon thereafter when she started seeing things, I would substitute the Black Cancer for the color in her bleach bottle so that the next time she goes to bleach her hair, she actually pours the Black Cancer on her head ... visions of it dripping down her head into her eyes ... hmm sounds like fun to me."

Jenna B:
"Spender's whiney voice will attract several packs of wild dogs, who, when they realize he is but a pale shadow of CSM, will tear him to pieces in the most Biblical way possible, leaving only his feet and the palms of his hands to bear witness that Jeffrey Spender once existed."

Sister Rokken Robin, Metal Priestess:
"Jeffrey Spudner, the man who is too obnoxious to live. I say put him in a three-way with Diana the Foul and Marita Coverupyo'ass, then let X and Pendrell rise from the dead and strike the three plot contrivances so dead Frank Black will have to find them on Millennium!!"

Sister Contradiction:
"Isn't it sad that at this point, we actually have a *pool* of characters to choose from to be despised? *sigh* But of that ever-widening pool, I must say that weasely-faced, whiny, silly excuse for an FBI agent Jeffrey Spender tops out the list. Hmmm...how to kill, how to kill. What a lovely prospect. How about he gets sucked in to a huge pool of oilien sludge, like Tasha Yar's unfortunate demise in the first season of Star Trek TNG? As long as he gets to pop up for just a second and scream 'Daddy!' before finally succumbing to his fate. Yeah, that'd put a smile on this sister's face."

Sister Nicole (Noodle Duchovny):
"I would have to say I despise Diana Fowley the most. She seemed to have annoyed the great St. Scully very deeply. I think Fowley should fully recover from her gun shot wound (after a close call when Scully accidently trips over the life support cord), then she should be placed in a pile of extraterrestial manure (if it exsisted), given severe paper cuts, and dunked in salt water. She should then be left to die, while watching episodes of Barney and Friends non stop."

Sister Spice:
"I HATE DIANA FOWLEY!!!!!!!!!! SHE is one of the ugliest people on earth, she is really annoying, and I hate her guts!!! If I had the chance I would [ed. note - censored].

Sister Kate Dyer:
"Marita Covarrubias -- Esther Nairn would zap her from inside the Internet using a spy satelite, and she'd fry."

Laura Seago:
"My most hated character is the evil heathen who attempts (in vain, of course) to steal the show from The Blessed One. She who is Diana Fowley. She can be easily (and most repulsively) terminated by becoming a love slave to CSM. This would result in pure ickiness and slow, ever so painful, death."

Meg-Mulder:
"Fowley. Diana Fowley. Mulder comes to his senses and hooks that brutally stupid ex of his with an old pal. Mulder convinces her that calling him a mutated human sized fluke worm created by radiation is just an inside joke and that his pal really is quite ... charming. She turns up in a sewer being chewed on by the parasitic offspring of Flukie. Justice is served."

Eiperez:
"Well, it's a tie between the Uniblonder and that uptight wench, Diana "Ick" Fowley. For MC (I can't even say her name without wanting to spit), I would take away her bottle of peroxide, and watch her wither away in slow agony. As for Diana, she would mysteriously meet her demise in a flash card factory, but not before the workers tried to guess what she ate for breakfast."

Tarnekep Portree:
"I most despise Agent Dork-boy Spender. Because of the explosive ban, I am not able to use the contact explosive underwear and one hell of a wedgie. So I think the super wuss comes in contact with that voodoo poison (the one that makes a person appear dead). Then TBO is asked to perform her sacred autopsy duties. Then Spender would truly be the gutless wonder."

Sister Jane's Addiction:
"Marita. Two words: Peroxide poisoning."

OBSSE Poll:
What a Big, Fat, Hairy Deal
by Sister Paula R.

There must be a scientific explanation for this.

Not only did Mulder appear to "fall into the Gap" during the season premiere, but his hair seems to have fallen into a rotary-bladed kitchen appliance as well. For this month's poll, give us your best SRE ("Scully Rational Explanation," but you should know that already, shouldn't you?) as to what happened to Mulder's hair.

Oh, and if you like his hair, well, you're entitled to your opinion. (Although excommunication from the Order would be a worthy punishment, don't you think? ;-)
 

Things have been quite busy for me this month, so I've been a little behind in reading the brand spankin' new stuff. However, I still think you'll enjoy the Scullycentric or just plain good picks I have in store for you. First, a few authors I've recommended before. There's a new piece from Annie Sewell-Jennings called "Erosion," a sad "same time next year" take on love in defeat. Leyla Harrison wrote an angst fest called "Tightrope" that I've been waiting months to recommend, but warning, this is NOT for the faint of heart. It's full of trust issues, some very disturbing violence, and has an ending that I wish we could see on the show. For a few laughs with your fanfic, Pellinor treats us to a humorous poke at the fanfic community in which Mulder and Scully investigate a series of murders of people who know way too much about them in "The Unconquered Flame." Now on to our new authors this month. As always, if you've got recommendations, please email them to me at autumnt@aol.com.

Blueswirl
This is an author with the ability to take things that usually don't work and make them work. I've yet to read a story by this  individual that I did not enjoy, and Blueswirl has a style of writing that unleashes the imagination of the reader. In the good old fashioned smut department, we have a slightly different definition of the word "Platonic". If you think all Mulder and Scully married with children stories are gooey mush fests you couldn't possibly handle, I challenge you to read "Chiaroscuro" . (Note: this is part 1 only, the rest of the parts are on the webpage listed later). Also, for a first person Scully post-apocalyptic fic, check out "Tangible". All of Blueswirl's work can be found at this website.

Rachel Howard
It starts out as a humorous case in Las Vegas and ends up as a great post- Emily mythology piece with a little romance thrown in for good measure. "Goodnight Newton" has the kitchen sink as far as fanfic is concerned, and this is one tale that will keep you reading from the moment you start. Rachel has also teamed with one of my favorite authors Karen Rasch on "Antidote" in which Scully gets to wear one of those fetching biohazard suits and share a cabin with that other guy. All of Rachel's work can be found at this website.

Roxanne Longstreet Conrad
Now this is an interesting case. This author is an established novelist who has taken to dabbling some in fanfic. I literally stumbled across Roxanne's work as it is not found in the usual places and was quite delighted by what I found. I suppose if you like what she's done here you could actually buy one of her books. The piece that really struck me was the eerie investigation of a mysterious dead woman in "The Ghost of You." "Voice of Experience" takes the reader a little further into the private lives of Mulder and Scully and the things they are looking for while they investigate the death of someone from Mulder's past. All of Roxanne's work (at least that you can get for free) can be found at this website.

An OBSSEwood Minute
by Sister Autumn T.

On the Earthly Incarnation front, Gillian Anderson's upcoming moving, "Dancing About Architecture" has undergone a name change because apparently they were, "Worried About Marketing." First they came up with the new, extra bland title of "If They Only Knew," but according to the L.A. Times it is now, "Playing By Heart." Whatever. According to the UK press, Gillian has also lined up her big summer project - the lead in "House of Mirth," a period piece based on the Edith Wharton novel to be filmed in Scotland from the same folks who produced "Trainspotting." Hopefully, this will put her well on her way to ALL THE PRIZES and give her a great chance to show her stuff in her first non-Scully leading role.

With Gillian tied up in another project and his plate looking increasingly full, Chris Carter has finally come to the realization that filming of the second X-Files movie just ain't gonna happen this summer. Thank God for that, as now the series will be able to conclude after seven seasons without having to suffer through another feature film effort until after television production has ended.

You might want to ask Santa for a DVD player for Christmas this year because word on the street is that FOX is finally taking the plunge into that media. Come February we should have YET ANOTHER version of the movie out in that format complete with more missing scenes and, if we are lucky, commentary from the actors as well.

Believe it or not, the day after the season premiere, filming started on episode 10 of the season. They're almost half way through, and we've only just begun. The episode schedule looks like this thus far:

Nov. 22 - 6AB03 "Triangle" W:Carter D:Carter
Nov. 29 - 6AB04 "Dreamland 1" W:Gilligan,Shiban,Spotnitz D:Manners
Dec. 6 - 6AB05 "Dreamland 2" W:Gilligan,Shiban,Spotnitz D:Watkins
Dec. 13 - 6AB08 "The Ghosts that Stole Christmas" W:Carter D:Carter

Look for a possible preemption on December 20th and "Christmas Carol" and "Emily" to rerun on Dec. 27 and Jan. 3.

Other episodes already shot include 6AB06 "Terms of Endearment" and 6AB07 "Rain King" both by new staff writers (the latter scheduled to run on Valentine's Day) and 6AB09 "Tithonus" penned by Vince Gilligan.

Welcome New Sisters and Brothers!
by Sister Lens-of-Science

This month, the Most Devout Sister Bryn has generously shared with us her own personal hymn, to assist us in our devotions. Please check out "Stick With The Blessed One." You can find it in the OBSSE Chapel. Now, for an up close and personal glimpse of our newest members, please read on below. And remember: Welcome to all of our new Sisters and Brothers!

Sister Bethie May humbly confessed:
"I'm the kind of person 1013 was praying for. Never having seen an episode of X-Files in my life, I went to see the movie just because it was the only thing playing. It hooked me immediately, although I admit that my initial reasons for loving the show were somewhat ... um ... superficial. (I fell in lust with Mulder.) However, over the past few months as I have been compulsively watching all the reruns and video tapes I can get my hands on, I have seen the light: As gorgeous as Mulder may be, the true hero of the X-Files is our beloved St. Scully. I have been converted from a besotted Mulderist into a committed Scullyist in part through the teachings of the OBSSE, and therefore I humbly seek admittance into the Order."

Sister Sara Laipis admits:
"Sometimes I'm afraid that God is speaking, but no one is listening."

Sister BDodd confides:
"I mysteriously channeled a Virgin Mary music video in St. Scully's image one day. Autumn forgave my other sins for this digital offering at the altar."

Sister Sheena declares:
"In every major decision I make, I ask myself 'What would Scully do?' "
Editor's Note: Have I got a home project for you!

Sister Immaculata piously observes:
"I am a devoted noviatiate of our Blessed Saint Scully the Enigmatic. Her Most Pantsuitedness offers the qualities that I aspire to: strength, compassion, intelligence, loyalty, and the ability to kick ass--with or without her Sig. Long may she wave."

Sister Sarah the Guiltridden confidentially let slip:
"I'm 5'3" with red hair. I had impure thoughts about Mulder, and I covet St. Scully's wardrobe."

Sister Dasha reveals:
"Thanks to Scully I have bought several yummy tailored pantsuits and chunky heels. She is a role model who has taught me that intelligence, perserverance, and really smashing lipstick are they keys to health and happiness."

Sister Sarah Woodbury testifies proudly:
"Well even though I harbor very un-nunlike thoughts about the PUNK, ever since I started watching the X-files, I have always leaned towards Scully's way of thinking and the way she handles herself. She is smart and not afraid to voice her opinion. She is sexy without being trampy. She is confident without being arrogant. Also, she is, well, short--a characteristic I am proud to share with her. One of the things I am not proud to share with her is that whole lack of a sex life thing, but we won't go into that." :-)

Sister Kate Scully retorts:
"I have been blessed with both Her middle name as my first and similar looks. I too am vertically challenged and have red hair and blue eyes. I have not, though, let this get to my head. I realize that no one mere non-St. could ever truly emulate The Blessed Saint Scully, but through joining this most worthy Order, I hope to devote my faith and studies to Her Holiness. Let it be known, however, that I have a certain weakness when it comes to St. Scully and that whiny 'lil wimp partner of hers getting together."

Karatoons
by Sister Kara (aka Zod)

"Our Favorite Turkey"

That's all for this month, folks! Special thanks go, as always, to our Elder of the Newsletter Sister Paula R. for putting this issue together, Sister La..Dee..Da.. for all of her fine graphic work, and to all our writers and contributors. Look for our extra special "OBSSE HOLIDAY EXTRAVAGANZA" issue coming before Christmas!
"News for the OBSSEsed"/OBSSE is copyright 1998 by Nancy Cotton.