To send in your burning question just email me at Ask Sister Autumn
Dear Autumn, who is apparently contractually obligated to answer my letter in the next newsletter, regardless of how I kiss up in the opening,

Hi! I know that you don't like it when people say what kind of music Scully listens to. You say that people just project their own musical tastes on Scully. 

Well, bull pookey. Scully listens to Mary-Chapin Carpenter all the time. In fact, I'm thinking of writing a fanfic wherein Mulder comes over to Scully's apartment, and he uses his key to get in because he doesn't want to disturb her, but when he comes in, she's singing along to Mary-Chapin's song, "I Want To Be Your Girlfriend". Mulder realizes how much the song relates to their relationship, and when Scully notices that he's been standing there, listening to her the whole time, she is embarrassed, but Mulder reassures her that everything is okay, and he kisses her.

I know, I know, it's a little hokey. Alternatively, I was thinking that I could write a story where Mulder comes over to Scully's apartment, same deal, but this time, Scully is singing Chapin's "Shut Up and Kiss Me". Mulder realizes how much this song relates to blah blah same ending as before. 

Oh!  And I was thinking I could do a little angsty piece, too, where Mulder comes over to Scully's apartment blah blah, but THIS time, she's singing along to "The Last Word". Mulder realizes what a putz he's been and apologizes for everything. I think I'd set this one right after Two Fathers/One Son.

I'm basing all of this on a wonderful fanfic I read several years ago, where Scully comes over to Mulder's apartment, and she uses her key to get in because she doesn't want to disturb him, and he's singing Eric Clapton's song "Layla", only he's singing "Dana" instead of "Layla" (get it?). So it went something like "DAAAAAAA-na, you got me on my knees!" (God, you can't imagine how much I wished I were making this part up.)  Scully freaks out, but Mulder assures her that everything is great, and that he loves her, and they kiss. 

So, my question to you is, do you really think they can pull off a season of Mulder-lite episodes?  Honestly?

Holding off on writing those fanfics till I hear back from you,


Step away from the Orange Tic-Tacs and step far far away from the songfic (I can't believe people still need to be told that). I think I shall answer the only pertinent question in this email, do I think they can pull off a Mulder-lite season. The answer is yes. Honestly. But maybe, in the immortal words of Mary-Chapin Carpenter, it is just because "I Feel Lucky."

I  belive St Scully may be punishing me but i don't know why.I have dreams in which(st scully help me) i am THE PUNK i have to see things from his point a view time and time again.I find myself pulling off the infamous mulderditch to go and investigate some bizzar case. Is this a sighn that my faith is weakening or a punishment.What can i do to get rid of the suffering

Brother Whitworth

Oh my. Here is the way you can get rid of both of our suffering: study.

Do you people understand what I have to deal with here on a monthly basis? Do you? Bizzar. sigh.

Dearest Autumn whose spreadsheets know no bounds and whose mighty Trout thwaps many an erring ass,

I'm in something of a quandry here. My refrigerator, is, well, misplaced. No, not like that. I know where it is.  It's just . . . in my living room. I know living room fridges are generally viewed as an abomination, and many SREs have been developed to explain them away. I know I shouldn't have my fridge in my living room. It's a kitchen appliance. It belongs in the Kitchen, dammit!  But when in the kitchen, it does not stay cold, leading to the spoilage of milk products including cheese, and the inability to make ice, two things which are necessary to contented life. So my roommate and my Landlord moved it to corner of the living room where it, as of this morning, remains a cool 40 degrees Fahrenheit. 

My question is, do I insist on moving it back to the safety of the kitchen and risk food poisoning, or do I leave it where it sits and hope no one notices? I'm sure we could make a giant slip cover for it when company comes . . .

Respectfully yours,

First of all, if the fridge is in the living room the only people who will not notice are those involved in the process of making a major motion picture. To them such things are merely quaint set dressing to offset the fireplace. In your case, it may be OK to leave it there and pretend it is a conversation piece and not that it was too taxing to walk into another room for a hunk of cheese. I suppose since The Blessed One in one of her odder whims decorated her home that way during the X-Files movie it is OK from a Scullyist perspective, but if you find that you start sleeping in full makeup and a push up bra it might be best to move it back to its rightful place.

Dear Sister Autumn, to whom a loquacious and laudatory salutation would be an insult, as not even the divine Muses could contrive a unification of satisfactory adjectives that explicate the eminence of your personal state of being,

I had a dream about Scully doing the Wild Thing with the Crocodile Hunter himself, Steve Irwin (the Australian guy on the Animal Planet Network who jumps on crocodiles and pisses off venomous snakes).

Is that weird?

- Sister CC Decker

Yes. So he was jumping on Scully instead of a crocodile? Was she yelling out "Oh Crikey!"? I don't need to get into the dream interpretation of snakes for you do I? Because I'm thinking it's you that might be interested in seeing his rather than Scully.

Dear Autumn: I am not a member of the Order.  I am a sinner at heart, but I have come to throw myself at your mercy and beg for forgiveness for my latest sin.  My latest prayer unanswered.

Today, I found out that, in fact, the X-files will go on for another season. Why, oh why is God so unkind?  Why will he not let our Blessed Scully go in peace, with the dignity she deserves.

How long I ask, oh trouted one, can we sit back and watch as they make a mockery of our Blessed Saint and her lunatic partner. I'll admit it is of little consequence to the blood money thirsty, whining one she calls her co-star. But must she fade another year into the malaise of bad writing and lack of imagination??

I have prayed that this would be the last season, why has my God forsaken me?


OK, I'm gonna be serious for this one. You know, I wanted the show to end last season as much as the next person, but sadly I am not in control of FOX. Here's the thing though. Because of the limited nature of Duchovny's commitment this year 1013 has to do something it seems like they have not done since Morgan and Wong left the series - THINK AHEAD. I'm encouraged that this change will force them to use more imagination. I'm encouraged that the actors seem to be enjoying working on this season so much. I'm encouraged by most of the scripts I've seen for this season. So, I'm taking it one week of Scullyvision at a time this year. Might be good, might be bad, but I'll wait and see before I judge.

Dear Sister Autumn, of whose attention I am so unworthy,

I have become very distressed as of late. You see, I joined the Order or her Blessedness some time ago, but have been regrettably unable the visit the  Abbey for some time. Only recently have I been able to, much to my jubilation. Upon coming back i find much talk of the PUNKishness of TBO's 
lesser counterpart. To this is have no objection, and i add my voice to the many in singing Her Holiness's praises. What distresses me is...well...oh  dear this is hard to it...::wrong:: to be a...*gasp* "shipper"? 

Please have mercy, it was not my choice to fall to such... PUNKish persuasions, but I must seek redemption, and ask you humbly to lead me to the path that will lead me back to The Blessed One.

Sister Swenson

No, it's not wrong to be a shipper. It's wrong to be annoying.

Dear Autumn, who is really cool and swell and stuff,

I have a problem, and I am not sure how to handle it. You see, there is this person who posts on various message boards who seems to take pleasure from saying unkind things about our Saint and the EI.  This person has even been known to make unfavorable comments about our most revered leader (let's call her "Fall.")  I have tried to turn the other cheek and I have tried beseeching her to turn from her errant ways, but to no avail.  I have asked myself what Scully would do in this situation, and I have not been able to come up with an answer. Is it wrong for me to bitch-slap this person into next year?  Is that what Scully would do?

Yours in Saint Scully,
A Concerned Minion

P.S. I had trout for dinner a few nights ago.  Am I going to hell?

Dearest Minion who better change her eating habits,

I too have witnessed the pathetic escapades of this person for years. I like to call her "Chicken Little." Try reading her for entertainment value because it is rare that you will find one so willing to be so foolish so consistently. I am amused by the way she disses me yet trips all over herself to spread and without fail totally misrepresent every spoiler I've posted. To spend every waking hour under various sock puppet names on different forums whining takes a special breed of ignorance. To say for years you won't watch any more but still do requires a hypocrisy standard many only dream of. To stoop to visiting Robert Patrick's official site to spew your hate before seeing him even utter a line on the show brings lack of common decency to new heights. What would Scully do? Well, I believe she'd ignore those ignorant enough to pretend they know an actor and their motivations via things they've read in interviews. And I do believe she'd have little respect for those who insist on judging what they have not seen and have little understanding of. Mostly I think she'd pity those who have lost so much perceptive as to be controlled day in and day out by a television show they clearly dislike. My advice? Just walk away and don't give them the attention they clearly crave. 

Dear Autumn who is really cool, yadda, yadda, yadda,

You may or may not be aware that I am really really fond of shoes. Especially shoes worn by Scully.  I love Scully's shoes.  I do.

So, here's my problem.  I only have room for one more pair of shoes in my closet shoe holder.  I decided to hold auditions at a local department store to see which shoes should fill the coveted position in my closet.

I found a lovely Liz Claiborne number in black, with a stocky three inch heel.  Very similar to the shoes worn by Our Saint in The Movie.  I was about to offer that shoe the position in my closet when something shiny came into the corner of my eye.  It was the black patent leather boot worn by the EI at the New York Film Festival showing of House of Mirth (Coming to theaters on the East and West Coasts in December, 2000.  To be released nationwide sometime early next year.)

Now, this is one persuasive boot.  It even performed scenes from Shoespeare to convince me of its worthiness.  Romeo and Muleiet, Two Loafers of Verona, The Taming of the Shoe, A Midsandal's Night's Dream.  The list goes on.  So, you can see my dilemma.

You're pretty smart, Autumn.  Which shoe should I choose?

Someone who really likes shoes

Gee, which Sister could this be from? Hmm.... KRISTIN?

Which shoe you choose is up to you, but I shall provide you with a simple quiz to help you:

Which line can you imagine yourself saying?
A. "Don't think, just pick up the phone and make it happen!"
B. "I'll get you my pretty and your little dog too!"

What would you rather do?
A. Watch Mulder touch a pile of goo.
B. Melt into a pile of goo with flying monkeys all around.

Which mode of transportation to you prefer?
A. An Intrigue
B. A broom

If you vote A buy the Scully shoes. If you vote B I think you might enjoy Shakespeare's Comedy of Errors.

Dear Autumn-everyone's-favorite-elder-whose-knowledge-

I have a problem. I thought it would end, as S7 was supposed to be the last year of the X-Files, but I will have to deal with it for another year and I don't know what to do. My problem is the month of March. As you may know (or may not) March is March Madness, or 126 games devoted to that manpainest of sports, Basketball. I have a passing interest in basketball, as some people may know. My problem is that I don't know what
to do when March Madness conflicts with the XF. I lack a VCR, so I can't tape one of them. I missed Scully's birthday in Max/Tempus Fugit and many other important XF moments.  (Of course as a plus I have never seen either Travelers or Teso.)  Am I being disloyal to Saint Scully by ignoring her
during the month of March?  What should I do this March?

Sister, er, Sister Branch

PS Do I redeem myself even a little bit by going to a marathon for the sick children when it conflicted with the Sweet 16?

It's all about priorities. Seeing as how one can buy a VCR for under $80 these days I have a hard time empathizing with your dilemma here. I'd either update my Christmas wish list or sock away $15 a month for the next 5 months. Maybe if you weren't spending so much on cable just to get ESPN ...

Dear Sister Autumn, whose briefest attentions I cherish above all freaking things,

I've got this problem with my dorm room. The room itself, so far as I can tell, is fine - large and lovely, with lots of windows and posters of Scully on every wall - but I have the distinct impression that I am co-habiting with some sinister spirit that does not have my best interests at heart. Since the beginning of the academic year, I have chased nine bees out of my dorm room. That's right, nine. It breaks down to about one a week, which is especially odd because that's about how often they show up, almost like a time-release capsule.

I don't think that paranoia is getting the better of me so far. I
haven't started accusing my hallmates of bee husssssbandry at random. I am fairly confident that, despite my room's proximity to a campus dining hall, these bees carry no toxic substances. All the same, Sister Autumn, I am worried about the broader significance of this strange, localized infestation. Is my college conducting nefarious experiments amidst its
unsuspecting student population? Have the bees tired of slander and decided to wreak their revenge on the members of OBSSE?  Or am I just never going to get any this year?

 humbly submitted,

Are you sure it wasn't the same bee nine times?               

From the Desk of

AD Skinner
October 18th, 2000

Dear OBSSE Members,

It has come to my attention that you are voting again for your Favourite X-Files episodes that will be aired during the Scullython. 

Because I would like to attend the Marathon this year, I thought perhaps you would let me slip in a "pander" for my favourite.

Triangle.  Plain and simple.

Not only do I get to play in Mulder's little delusional fantasies where he kisses someone WHO WAS NOT SCULLY... but I get to kiss the woman in the elevator.  What's not to love?

Now if you have problems with this one, I'd also like to see Hollywood AD. I really do love her you know, and it wasn't an accident that I spent time alone with her when I sent Mulder off to investigate the crypt.   

Well that's about it for now... I'm looking forward to working more with Agent Scully this year.


Walter Skinner
Assistant Director, FBI

Mushroom Stories
(John Donne's "The Sunne Rising")
- - by Mandy

Dreamy old fool, you gooey 'shroom,

Why dost thou thus?
Through dreamings, and shared visions, call on us?
Must to thy whims our own thought-patterns run?
Slimy untruthful wtretch, go lie,
to grey-suit men, already false;
Spin pipe-dream stories for the FBI,
Or psychos who belong 'midst padded walls;
Our paired minds no deterrence know, and we are not confounded by the likes of thee.

Thy dreams, disturbing real

Why shouldst they be?
I could my oft-dreamt storyline unseal,
But that I would destroy the UST:
If my dreams have not outshone yours,
Try to convince me one more time
Your smooth-edged stories, spawned from stinking spores
Don't dwindle at the edges into slime.
Call all your powers to our minds mislead
And you will find you have not quenched your need.

She's all reason; and all rhyme am I,

Nothing else is.
All pairs do but play us; compared to this,
all unions falter, other truths a lie.
Mushroom, thou hast but part of "we"
And never any fragment more;
Thy cold vocation begs that thee still strive
To keep that myth aspin before our eyes.
So try; but know that, as we are alive,
We will together break toward the skies.


syzygy (SIZ-uh-jee) noun

1. Astronomy. Either of two points in the orbit of a celestial body where the body is in opposition to or in conjunction with the sun. Either of two points in the orbit of the moon when the moon lies in a straight line with the sun and Earth. The configuration of the sun, the moon, and Earth lying in a straight line.

2. The combining of two feet into a single metrical unit in classical prosody.

3. An XF episode that includes strange deaths, burning coffins, a cross dresser who's wearing Mulder's favorite perfume, a pissed off Scully who's little feet CAN reach the peddles, thank you very much, a television that only plays one movie on every channel, drunk Mulder, and a dead dog named Mr. Tippy, that you peoples REALLY REALLY NEED to vote for for this year's marathon.   LOVE IT!

[Late Latin syzygia, from Greek suzugia, union, from suzugos, paired: sun-,syn- + zugon, yoke.]

This curious word comes from the Greek language, where it meant the yoking of two oxen. Over the eons, it came to mean the joining of any two entities without losing the individual characteristics of either one. This idea brings the yin/yang symbol to mind, and also the ambigrammatic phenomenon of two letters being joined into one shape without loss of their readability. In astronomy, however, "syzygy" is defined as an alignment of three heavenly bodies in the solar system, more like the periodic alignment of the three Ys in the word. How could a word that once implied the pairing of two entities come to refer to the alignment of three?

The answer comes in the fact that in science, no phenomenon can be investigated without taking into account the presence of the investigator. And when two heavenly bodies are seen to be in alignment, they are being seen from a third, which is necessarily in the same straight line. So no matter which way you look at the syzygy ambigram, it satisfies both sides of its ambiguous definition.   -John Langdon,

Kill Switch Time
by loa

Heavenly shades of white face makeup,
It's Killswitch time.
Out of the mist a laser pinpoints.
It's Killswitch time.
Hey, Scully gets the good lines
and Mulder goes away,
It's here at last, it's Killswitch time.

Scully beats up the Porno Nurses,
It's Killswitch time.
Mulder is captured by a trailer,
It's Killswitch time.
When Scully shoots a robot
through a hole in the floor,
It's here at last, it's Killswitch time.

Here is a love that will not die.
It just goes out into the Internet,
It's just as sweet as kitten pie,
or maybe just a yummy snickerdoodle .... (for you vegetarians)

William Gibson wrote this, people,
It's Killswitch time.
If you don't like it, you're a cretin,
It's Killswitch time.
Vote for it, and it will keep you awake,
During the boringest shippy times.*
Give it a try, it's Killswitch time. 


En Ami Pandering
brought to you by Pteropod
and the advisory panel on 
Better Living Though Boob Phones

There was this old guy CGB
Who really was gross as could be. 
He was conniving 
and took Scully driving
Then gave her an empty CD. 

Although Scully is always our Saint,
It's true there are times when she ain't
Lookin' as good 
as a Saint really should -- 
But with *this* ep I have no complaint.

En Ami shows good CHarc with finesse

And without lapsing into excess:
Scully's hair will excite you, 
Her boob phone ignite you...
But what does it for me is the dress. 

Simply Irresistible
by Skull

How can it be permissible

To compromise your principles
To vote for killer kittyville
Is wholly inexplicable!

Here's an ep you'll endorse

It's a powerful force
You're obliged to conform
When there's no other course
It's always so good to watch
I'm telling you to...

Vote for "Irresistible"!

Vote for "Irresistible"!

The episode's so powerful

It's simply unavoidable
The trend is irreversible
This episode's invincible

Scully face-acts before

There were dimples galore
She deserves the applause
I surrender because
It's always so good to watch
I'm telling you to...

Vote for "Irresistible"!

Vote for "Irresistible"! 

It's so fine

It's a Scullycentric torture-fest
It's divine!
There's no other way to go

It's unavoidable

She's tied up with some rope
She wrestles Pfaster but..
She doesn't shoot him dead
See Scully's eyes fill up
See Mulder tongue her head
It's always so good to watch
I'm telling you to...

Vote for "Irresistible"!

Vote for "Irresistible"!

It's so fine

It's a Scullycentric torture-fest
It's divine!
There's no other way to go

Her methods are inscrutable

The proof is irrefutable
She's so completely kissable
And has a mole that's visible!

Here's an ep you'll endorse

It's a powerful force
You're obliged to conform
When there's no other course
It's always so good to watch
I'm telling you to...

Vote for "Irresistible"!

Vote for "Irresistible"!

It's so fine

It's a Scullycentric torture-fest
It's divine!
There's no other way to go

Vote for "Irresistible"!

POLL: Testing 1..2..3 Testing

So, those pesky aliens have finally snatched up Mulder because he stuck his fingers in the wrong thing one too many times. Now they have him where they want him: in their grubby little lizard or grey or bounty hunterish or oilien paws. Put yourself in their space. What is the very first test they should perform on him and why?

Are you an OBSSE Member? YesNo

Here's the procedure Mulder should be given:


"I've already tested him and believe me everything works just fine."