Sister Lens-of-Science has this month's column off while she goes deep undercover in order to perform field research on her favorite topic:
1. If someone tells you that there is no "I" in T-E-A-M, your response is:
2. Have you ever...
3. Have you ever...
4. When someone new enters your group, do you:
5. When faced with an opinion contrary to your own, you:
6. In your heart of hearts, you know that it is really all about:
7. In the throes of passion, you are most likely to:
8. Do you generally:
9. Do you own...
10. When you hear the word "buffet," do you...
11. When you enter a room, the level of joy is:
12. Do you have:
13. Has your name and/or image ever appeared:
14. Have you ever been:
15. When asked the question: "How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb?" Your most likely response would be:
How to interpret your score:
75-60 points: Congratulations! You are the most self- obsessed of ghouls. Don't worry, though. You are among friends.
59-45 points: You are not as self-obsessed as you should be, but there is always room for improvement. I suggest you develop a daily mantra containing as many personal pronouns and self-references as you can work in.
44-29 points: You are a ghoul, but not even close to being
Below 29 points: What the hell are you even doing here? I think maybe you'd feel more at home on the 7th Heaven or Touched by an Angel mailing lists.
Now hold on just one second... the last time I looked, all principals were saying that season 8 was only a remote possibility, probably impossible, Hell, Season 7 was no sure thing (I have been out of circulation for a lonnnggggg time..see the bio).
Season 8...and maybe Season 9?
Way back in Season 4 the first grumbles began... "How can they keep it fresh?" fandom asked. At the time, Philedom viewed that question as a simple matter of "Is she is or is she ain't his baby." What fools we all were then. How could we have known the strange twists and turns the mind of Chris "The Executive Producer Wore Tennis Shoes" Carter would lead us on. Through abductions and retroviruses and counter-abductions and assassinations and revolving informers and bad plastic surgery and pimpslaps and prosthetics and leather jackets and still more retroviruses and babies and toddlers and psychic friends and angels and Satan and wait, there's more.
All the way to Season 8... The Season That Was Never Meant To Be.
Faced with the same unending question "How can they keep it fresh?", the geniuses at 1013 came up with their most outstanding answer yet to that elusive theorem as they prepared for The Season That Was Never Meant To Be... Ditch Mulder.
Now I really like this idea, I mean REALLY LIKE it and I am even more pleased because it was a plot twist that was predicted months ago by Il Pilgrino, the heir to my lands and scourge of Montessori preschools throughout the known world. You see, as we often do, during feeding time we name different tidbits after different characters on television. Each meal gets a different show. Some shows we only choose once, such as Hill Street Blues (lunch took three days, and we only go through the fourth season). Other shows are perennial favorites, for example he has eaten Ross from Friends 27 times (crunching harder each time I might add). Naturally, X-Files has been a favorite as well, not least of which because he can say the word X.
At any rate, the last time we were eating The X-Files, he took hold of the zwieback that we had named Mulder and hurled it across the kitchen. This in and of itself is not surprising, since he tends to hurl most of his food across the kitchen. What was more interesting was what he said as the Mulder zwieback was sent aloft... "This no no no dogg."
Obviously in that moment Il Pilgrino was telling me that the character of Mulder would be replaced by a dog or a character named Dogg. Naturally my mind flew to Turner and Hooch, but luckily the Skinner hot dog tidbit bouncing off my forehead saved me from delving too far into thinking of the combination of Scully and a large drooling basset hound. My next thought was of Scully paired with infamous hip-hop artist and original gangsta Snoop Doggy Dogg, which I liked much better. This made a certain sense, since one of Il Pilgrino's favorite bedtime songs for a few weeks previous to his revelation had been "What About Dre" featuring Dr. Dre and Eminem, so his moldable little mind was down with hip-hop at the time.
Sadly, that was not to be, instead, Special Agent Doggett will soon stride manfully across our television screens. If only I had correctly interpreted what the Tot of Terror had been trying to tell me, I could have spoiled the hell out of all of you, even my darling Boris, like it or not.
So, now that we have answered what they will do to add a touch of spice to Season 8: The Season That Was Never Meant To Be, the question arises... what will they do to keep Season 9: The Season Beyond Time fresh?
As you may have guessed... Il Pilgrino and I have a few suggestions for the NEXT big thing.
1) Have Dennis Miller provide real time commentary: Just picture it as the teaser starts... "OK, Agent Scully has taken her weapon out, is that a Glock I see before me? It could be a Gluck, but they don't make Polish Bishops in 9 mm, and that is NOT a polish joke, that's a Catholic joke. Scully is waving that thing around like Clint Eastwood at a Gay Pride parade... not flamboyant, but definitely the center of attention. OK, things are dark and moody, but not THAT dark and moody... Toto, I don't think we're in Toronto anymore. Waitaminute, she has found a body folks. She is approaching El Corpso like Ru Paul stalking a dead Gucci... and she turns it over... and IT MELTS!! Talk about your Margaret Hamilton moments... That sucker melted like Jim Carrey's Oscar hopes... where the hell is the Lollipop League when you need them, and why do they ALL look like Frohike. And with that, the trailer is over, back to you Al."
2) Have Scully and whichever partner wins the arm wrestling match intended as the Season 8 Cliffhanger investigate The Bear in the Big Blue House as an X-File, and following a tragic accident Scully takes Tutter the Mouse as her new partner. (Il Pilgrino thought of this one)
3) Take the entire show one step back, having Gillian Anderson PLAY Gillian Anderson who PLAYS Dana Scully on a popular show called The X-Files. We could look at her private life, her hunky pool cleaner Jesus, the wild parties she throws in and around her hot tub and her cool, arty Westwood friends who hang out with her all the time talking about their sex lives and everyone else's sex lives and their art. Needless to say Aaron Spelling would take over the production chores and CC will move onto a job he is better suited for, Hair Club for Men spokesmodel.
Or maybe I'll just wait for Il Pilgrino to have another revelation... or lunch.
Whichever comes first.
Next Month on Dr. Pilgrim's 3D House of Assistant D.A.s: Il Pilgrino takes a walk on the West Bank... How to Become an X-File Without Really Trying... And I Returned from the Dead, ASK ME HOW.
The man who would come to be known as Dr. Pilgrim, The Eye of Destiny grew up the same way most of us did: In the back of a vaudeville wagon. He was born under the name Emilio Credenza, and in his formative years was the youngest member of the world famous Indoor Trapeze Act - The Flying Credenzas. It was during a long season performing in the legendary Kitty Cat Burlesque Club in Ghent, Belgium that they had the misfortune of playing on a bill with a stage magician known as The Inscrutable Sheinberg. He was in reality Saigon Sui, the infamous Tong queen. Jealous of their larger dressing room, she made her nefarious plans, doctored certain equipment and one night during the midnight performance, Luigi Credenza, the man that young Emilio's mother had said was his father did a Double Reverse Aerial Somersault directly into the proscenium arch, killing both Luigi and the arch simultaneously.
In the ensuing chaos, the man who would become Pilgrim and his mother fled in different directions, never to meet again. She would later go onto fame on The Mary Tyler Moore Show under the name Ted Knight. To this day, Pilgrim weeps in a fetal position if he should happen to catch a glimpse of Too Close For Comfort. Pilgrim made his way to Asia, performing under the name The Late Danny Early. He would eventually score a Top 10 hit under this identity with the ska ballad Last Bus To Klamath Falls, which was banned from most radio stations for knowingly using the word "Testicles" in the chorus. He toured from dive to dive until he eventually landed a slot entertaining in the lounge at the Saigon Holiday Inn.
It was here he first encountered NancyFF, who after being waived by the New Jersey Nets had taken on a new identity. Her name was Lola, she was a showgirl. With painted feathers in her hair and a dress cut down to there. Luckily, before Rico went a bit too far and Tony sailed across the bar, the Vietnam War arrived. Seeing as how it took up three suites and was a lousy tipper, Pilgrim hit the road again, eventually arriving in the United States with Saigon Sui and her vast army of Ninja of the Nameless Hand hot on his trail. In was in the Houston Astro Dome one rainy Arbor Day many years later that the two would have their final confrontation and Pilgrim's life would be saved by the sister now called SasseJenn and her team of hang-gliding Amazons.
And the rest is history.