From the Editors...

It is my privilege, Sisters and Brothers, to introduce to you an Elder who needs no introduction: Miss Tic Tac Addiction herself, Sister Paula R., our Elder of the Newsletter. Paula has graciously volunteered to help me write, edit, and generally dream up the monthly OBSSE newsletter. Thank you Paula for your help! Thank you also to our Elder of Graphics and Special Projects, Sister La..Dee..Da.. who helped with the many fine graphics and photos you see this month. Wow! I had no idea siblings could be so kind! ;)--Sister Nancy (no clever sig) AKA RevMa

Greetings Brothers and Sisters in Saint Scully!

I would first like to thank the Reverend Mother, my editor-in-chief, for welcoming me to her wonderful newsletter. As the Abbey grows and OBSSE membership spreads globally at an alarming pace, one can only imagine the duties the Reverend Mother has had to shoulder until recently. It will please everyone to know that the first thing the new elders did was to pack the RevMa off to virtual Tahiti for a little "research project" to study... um ... well.... Red Speedos ... the results of which she's not *quite* ready to share .... Let's just say she does it all for us, and try to believe that. ;) Sister Autumn was similarly dispatched for an equal opportunity at R&R, and both have returned safe and sound to our little Abbey--rested, suntanned, and looking Scullyrific in their matching tropical-flowered wimples. (Although Sister Autumn has yet to unclench her "I [heart] Tahiti" sports-mug, which she *claims* contains communion wine. The Abbey therapist is working with her....)

The month of May, as we all know, is quite challenging for those of our faith. The season ender, "The End" (Yes, it is original isn't it?) is almost upon us, and we are *still* recovering from a nearly Scullyless April!!! Do not lose hope. This month's issue is packed with Scullyistic enlightenment! Not only does the RevMa give a full accounting of the dread effects of Scullynemia, but Sister La..Dee..Da.. shares the secrets of Pranciness and Wrong Hairedness in a special case study that you *will* not want to miss. Sister Lens-of-Science takes us on a personal tour of the Abbey, the PUNK gets what's coming to him in Sister Kara's Kartoon, and always faithful Sister Autumn provides demure and gentle guidance to our most burning questions. All that plus the OBSSEwood Minute, Fanfic Picks, and so much more it defies a good SRE!

Yours in Countdown to the Movie,
Sister Paula R.

GAWS Holds Auction to Benefit NF

Beginning May 1 and continuing through May 22, the Gillian Anderson Web Site is holding its second annual fundraiser and auction to benefit Neurofibromatosis (NF), Inc., a nonprofit organization dedicated to the fight against Neurofibromatosis.

By way of background, NF is a genetic disorder of the nervous system that causes tumors to form on the nerves of the body. This progressive disorder affects all ethnic races and both sexes equally and is one of the most common genetic disorders in the United States. Gillian Anderson's younger brother has NF type 1, and Ms. Anderson has been very active in her support of NF, Inc. Last fall, the OBSSE held a fundraiser to benefit NF, Inc., and successfully raised more than $2,000 for the organization.

The OBSSE encourages our members to support the GAWS Fundraiser/Auction by going to the GAWS Fundraiser/Auction web site and either pledging your donation to NF, Inc. or purchasing one of the many objects up for bid.  Many of the items donated were sent in and collected by Gillian Anderson and her mother, Rosemary. One of the most eagerly anticipated items (sure to be bought for a handsome price by our very own Sister Autumn) is the t-shirt worn by Scully in the recent episode "Chinga." For more information, go to GAWS or contact Cynthia Schmidt.

OBSSE: Around the World and in the News

St. Scully be praised! Last month the OBSSE added members from the countries of France and Malaysia to our Brethren/Sistren, increasing to 17 the number of countries in which the OBSSE is represented. Welcome all! In addition, the Order received rave reviews for its quite formidable mention in the April 15 issue of the San Francisco Bay Guardian newspaper. The Sanctuary's web site (complete with screen capture) was also mentioned in the Albany, New York daily newspaper, the Times-Union. Next stop: Entertainment Weekly! :)

Scullynemia Strikes Sanctuary!
by Reverend Mother Nancy (no clever sig)

T.S. Eliot was right: April is the cruelest month. (Well, at least the first part of it is....) That's when "Scullynemia" struck the OBSSE Sanctuary.

Symptoms of the deadly virus actually began forming on March 29 when the Scullyless (and coincidentally, dreadful) episode "Travelers" aired. The repeated viewing of another Scullyless show, "Unusual Suspects," which followed compounded the outbreak, prompting the OBSSE Elders to declare the Abbey, "The Hot St. Scully Zone," because of the rapid spread of the virus.

For the uninitiated, Scullynemia is a paralyzing yet fairly common illness that attacks X-Philes the world over when St. Scully is absent from an X-Files episode. Although most often observed during the summer months, Scullynemia can strike at any time. Of course, Scullyists are more susceptible to its effects. Symptoms usually appear about a week or so before a Scullyless episode is set to air. Even the mere mention of a Scullyless episode on tap can send some Philes, particularly OBSSE members, into the full throng of Scullynemia within hours.

The Symptoms:

Like many X-Phile related diseases, Scullynemia follows no predictable pattern of behavior. The only certainty about the illness is that it will pound Scullyists faster and harder (like we wish the Sainted One would be pounded some times...oh...wrong subject) than it will, say, Mulderists. However, even they are not unaffected. One may even hear a Mulderist mumbling, "Gee, Scully's not here. I wonder where I last ditched her?" Simply noticing the Blessed One's absence is a sure tip off that they are inflicted with "Mulderistic Scullynemia," a variation of the main virus.

For true Scullyists, however, the symptoms are more severe:

Stage One: Lethargy/Mild Depression:
A Scullynemia victim will often forget to tape or watch the Scullyless episode in question. In more severe cases, the victim may even refuse to tape/watch said episode entirely. Subsequent viewings never occur. Scullynemiacs may even become violent, burning or destroying the said Scullyless episode. This usually only occurs, however, if the episode has "Mulderbloat" (i.e., no Scully, but a lot of Mulder wearing a wedding ring).

Stage Two: Anger/Contentious Behavior:
As the Scullynemia progresses, the victim becomes more enraged and embittered. The use of swear words directed at the powers that be at 1013 becomes more pronounced. Sniping begins on the OBSSE mailing list. By the end of this phase of the illness, victims will walk blindly through university halls ripping wire-rimmed glasses off of attractive, 30-somethingish professors with off-color ties. Some Scullynemia victims will congregate in what is known as "Scully Packs," and confiscate silk black boxers and red Speedos within their locales, gather in a nearby quarry, pile them in the center, pour gasoline on them, and shout in unison: "Burn it!"

Stage Three: Disfigurement:
In the final and most frightening stage of the illness, Scullynemia victims enter what is commonly known as the "AntiScullyanthropy." The severe and sudden loss of anything Scully begins to affect the victims physically, resulting in a grotesque change in appearance and behavior. The hair becomes blonde (dyed, of course), and victims grow up to five inches in height. The most severely affected adopt new monikers, such as "Bambi," "Phoebe," and "Marita," and cannot utter multi-syllabic words. Neatly trimmed beige tailored suits and heels give way to denim shorts and tank tops. In the worst of the worst cases, the victims finally enter a catatonic state uttering: "Bee husssssssssssssbandrrry" in a nonsensical and repetitive fashion.

The Cure

Fortunately for Scullyists, science has found a cure for this crippling illness. Ongoing treatments of "Scully Immersion" can often temper the effects of Scullynemia while victims await a new Scullycentric episode to air. During this most recent epidemic, the Abbey air-lifted 700 copies of "Never Again," "Beyond the Sea," and "Memento Mori" into the Order's viewing halls, where Scullynemia victims were isolated. The Red Scully Cross contingent of the Sanctuary distributed gold crosses and Armani suits on a daily basis. Hair stylists from around the globe were flown in to administer emergency red dye hair color treatments. And at night, the Abbey sound system played a continuous loop of that most sacred of Scully songs...."Joy to the World (Jeremiah Was a Bullfrog)" to help ease the fitful sleep of the poor, wretched victims.

Luckily, we are forecasting less Scullynemia cases this summer with the X-Files movie set to hit theatres on June 19. Nevertheless, a Scullyist must always be prepared.

What to Do:

1. Carry a picture of the Sainted One.If this confuses friends and colleagues, tell them it came with the wallet.

2. Buy beige. Although you will be sorely tempted, don't fall for those bright summer fashions. Remember, the "Paradise Island" line of Ocean Pacific wear is NOT for you!

3. Apply sunscreen regularly. Nothing chases away those Scullycentric thoughts more than a golden brown tan.

4. Watch and rewatch those Sacred Scully Episodes. Marvel in her masterful use of scientific knowledge! Glory in her generous treatment of Fox Mulder! Praise her petite frame!

With these mild precautions, you should be free to have a safe and disease-free Scullyistic Summer!

A Tour of the Abbey
by Sister Lens of Science

Goodness me! Sister Paula and I were communing recently about the huge influx of postulants to the Order, and it occurred to us that many of you have never seen the wondrous facility. Follow me, if you will, on a virtual Tour of the Abbey:

If you will please step through this door, we can start here at the kitchen. As you see, Sister Autumn is currently er.. supervising the preparations for. dinner. As kitchen work is a bit messy at times, we have relaxed the abbey dress code in this area. . Why that's quite observant of you, yes, Kevlar and camouflage are both remarkably durable *and* stain resistant. Oops - do watch your head dear, there are all kinds of missiles -er "objects" flying about down here. That? That was a spatula. Perhaps we should hurry right along and continue with our tour. Just cut through this door. No please, after you.

Well, that was exciting, wasn't it? Oh no, dear, I don't think that will leave a mark. Well, not a big one, anyway. Let's see, where are we now..Oh, follow me - we are right around the corner from Dr. Kosseff's office. I would love to introduce you, but she is just so *busy* these days. I shudder to think what the summer hiatus will bring. Just elbow your way through the crowd and follow me up the hall to the Reverend Mother's Study.

Ah. Here we have the nerve-center of the OBSSE Abbey. If you look to your right you will see a mammoth mahogany desk, surmounted with a photo of The Blessed Saint Scully. On her desk you will notice that huge multimedia computer. It's an IBM clone, of course. What is that you ask? Where is the Rev Ma? Oh, that's hard to say. She's always racing about, hither and yon, preparing for Fest, keeping the Abbey spiffed up, writing articles, playing with the pool floaties-- er, engaging in scientific research. She's a hard woman to track down. There is even a rumor floating around the Abbey that she has responsibilities above and beyond the OBSSE (But we don't really give that rumor any credence.).

I always find it so peaceful in here. Lovely how the light filters through the stained glass windows, isn't it? That particular window? Hmm, you know, I don't think I have ever really looked at it before. Why it looks like the cast of the X-Files. Well, most of them. Some of them. And you know, now that you mention it, they *do* seem to be out of costume altogether. Oh my. Perhaps we should move right along. Step this way. Now, please.

Just through this little connecting door is the Elders' Workroom. No, after you. Thank you. Please note the rows of computers and workstations. Pretty, aren't they? Oh yes, 120 megs of RAM each, 20X CD-ROMs, active-matrix. Oh, that one? That's Brother Colin's. Isn't it adorable? Yup - green screen, dual floppy boot, no internal hard drive. An authentic antique. That baby is worth a fortune, I tell you. Brother Colin is a classicist, he wouldn't have it any other way. Really.

Now, if you will just step right this way, we can walk down this hallway -Oh, my goodness! That's Sister Jennifer-Oksana slumped down against the stone wall of the passage -- and her beads are tangled!

"Sister Jennifer-Oksana, Darling, what ever happened?"

"Oh Sister Lens, I was helping the Reverend Mother today."

"Oh dear. Didn't we talk about that last time you tried to be helpful? How far did you get this time?"

"I made it until about 10:30 in the morning, before I collapsed in an exhausted heap."

"Well, that's better than before. She's a busy woman, dear, you shouldn't try to aim quite so high right off the bat. Why not try following one of the other Sisters around for awhile next time? Sisters Sick-of-Abductions, Boris, and Szn-of-the-Temple-of-the-Perpetual-Hairsicle are in the common room as we speak. I think they are trying to fix the blender. We seem to have burnt out our other one. If that doesn't strike your fancy, you could always head up to the infirmary. I do believe Brother Pendrell is due for more sedation."

(disconsolate sigh) "Oh, Ok."

She's a dear, Our Sister J-O. Now where were we. Oh, yes, we were heading for the Abbey dormitories. They're right through here. As you see, every nun has his or her own cell, for privacy and communion with The Blessed One. Let's take a look in this one here on the left - I believe it is Sister Emily's room. Ah, good, you've met her. I didn't realize she was the nun who greeted you at the door. As you see, this is a typical nun's cell -why yes, it does look quite a bit like a college dorm room, come to think of it: the narrow cot, formal photo of Her Pantsuitedness for devotional purposes, the closet filled with modest Ann Taylor Petites, in natural fibers and muted colors, of course. On the desk is one of our Abbey workstations. Last year we put in hardwired T1 connections in each cell -to facilitate communion with the rest of the abbey.

No, no - it has nothing to do with Doom II, regardless of what Sister Emily might have told you. Er - let's look at another room.

Ah, here we go. This is one of the few multiple rooms in the Abbey. Why yes, it is unused. We keep this room for members who have left our Order, in the hopes that one day, they might see the light and return to Her Fold. We call it the Myrke room.

What's that you ask? All that noise? What noise? Oh, the singing, carousing, and wild laughter coming from around the corner. Er.. that's our Abbey's Festive wing. Quite a rowdy bunch we have here. I'd take you through, but after the last time - perhaps we should make an appointment first. Trust me.

Oh, and here we are right back in the common room. I'm afraid we must end the tour now. There is much, much more to see in the Abbey, but unfortunately Sunday nights are of quite serious religious significance around here. I must be off to join my faithful brethren and sistren in our weekly worship of Saint Scully. I see them gathering now, taking their assigned couches - er, pews -- swirls at the ready, in front of our altar. (Why yes, it is a Trinitron. . about 3 feet wide ... of course it's digital -we aren't heathens, you know!

I really must go now. The Service always starts after the Fox commercial, and I see that Brother Colin is holding my glass.

Bless you, my child. Do come back to see us soon.

by Sister La..Dee..Da..

Is it an evil conspiracy to slander The Blessed One or merely 1013 not realizing how ... um ... focused we are? Either way, a growing number of us have begun to suspect that there have been times when we *thought* we were beholding Her Pantsuitedness in all Her glory, when in fact, we were seeing an IMPOSTER, a RINGER,... A "Wrong-Haired Prancy Body Double (WHPBD)"!!!

Exhibit A:
It all began the night I sat down to watch "Demons." We came to the scene where Scully and Mulder get out of the car and walk up to Mrs. Mulder's house. Well, Mulder *walked*, Scully PRANCED! And on second viewing, I also realized that the hair just didn't bounce quite right. It was, well ... just WRONG. This was not OUR Scully but a body double slipped in with hopes that we wouldn't notice. HA! Maybe the masses wouldn't notice, but those of us who are truly OBSSEsed could not be fooled. And so began the sightings of the "WHPBD."
 
 
 
 

Exhibit B:
Time passed. I had hoped the WHPBD spotting had been a one time incident, best forgotten. But, oh, the horror to see her turn up again in "Post Modern Prometheus"! No, Sisters and Brothers, that is NOT Saint Scully who is running up to the tented house with "Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves" playing in the background, but the dread WHPBD! Take a look at that running: Prancy! Prancy! Prancy! The arms move in a prissy motion. The feet take tiny little steps. It is painful to watch. (But at least the hair is lovely.)
 
 

Exhibit C:
THEN came "Kill Switch," and even those who had been fooled in the past were alerted to the existence of this WHPBD. The OBSSE mailing list became filled with posts saying, "Who the hell was that wrong-haired person running on the bridge with Esther Nairn?" I knew I had been vindicated. I was not the only one bothered by this imposter who is making the viewing audience think that Scully runs like a girl.

Sisters and Brothers of the OBSSE, we must take action! We must let 1013 know that WE know what they're doing, and that we will not tolerate Prancy!Scully.

We want to see Purposeful-Stride Fabulous-`Do!Scully ALL the time! Can I get an AMEN?!

NOTE: I'd like to thank "ella g" for helping with the scans, and I've been asked to point out that they were done on a Mac (La.. shudders).

by Sister Autumn T.

"The End" is fast approaching as well as the end of the season, and I know very well what that means. Yes, we have the movie to look forward to, but the possibility of additional ScullyAngst coupled with the beginning of the summer rerun season could lead to a lot of stress around the Abbey. I've seen the devastating effect not being able to go to The Fest has had on some of our Order, and I'm afraid these things could snowball until.... well, let's just say I want to nip any problems in the bud before we all start wearing beige exclusively or there is a rash of listless prancing about the Abbey. So, if you have a problem, question, or simply a fashion crisis, drop me a line at Ask Sister Autumn. Remember, I'll almost always at least pretend to care.

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Dear Sister Autumn,

Often at times I feel embarrassed to say that I watch X-Files. Some people at my school will be like, "Oh, you watch *that* show. Okay, you're normal." And then everyone thinks that you believe in aliens and I don't. I can't even tell anyone what OBSSE stands for without feeling weird. What should I do?

--XaN
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Dear OBSSE Member XaN,

My, my, my. Actually admitting to me that you are embarrassed of the X- Files and the OBSSE. I'd like to say you are a brave soul, but your letter proves otherwise. You are missing the point dear. It is all in the presentation. If you are embarrassed by the X-Files and the Order, your friends have every right to tease you. The key is to be proud and make them feel embarrassed for not watching or for not knowing why a mere mention of the "prancy wrong-haired body double" is hysterically funny. Anyone who thinks that X-Files = "belief in aliens" is clearly an idiot. You're a Scullyist for crying out loud - point that out! The X-Files is no longer a cult show - it is an award winning top 10 drama. Anyone not watching it is missing out on a major part of current pop culture. My own brother once scoffed at me, but I refused to be ashamed. Now he begs to come over and watch episodes I have on tape. Instead of being ashamed, give a rueful little shake of your head and say condescendingly, "poor thing, you just don't get it do you?" You might want to organize a little parade where you march up and down the street in full wimple shouting, fists pumping, the likes of, "We're fun, we're nuns, get over it".

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Dear Sister Autumn,

HELP! I think I'm losing my faith (and my ability to spell!)! Recently I have come down with a case of "March Madness!" I'm a HUGE Tennessee Lady Vols basketball fan. I forsook the Adventures of the Blessed One and her Punk Sidekick to watch them play! What's even worse is that I found myself thinking, "I don't really need to watch "Elegy" again, I'll watch the game." And it wasn't the Vols playing that night but the two teams I hate the most! (Who didn't win the national championship by the way...heehee...darn it! I'm doing it again!)

It all came to the forefront in a bookstore. Which book to buy? An XF-related book or Pat Summitt's book, "Reach for the Summit." I chose Summitt's book and thought, "Well, at least SHE's real!" Then I missed again the Adventures of the Blessed One to read it. (Well, the episode WAS "Travelers"....)

What can I do?

Go Vols!.....er....Yours in St. Scully

Scullist
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Dear "Scullist" (Yes indeed there is a spelling issue here and a scary one at that),

The "Travelers" thing is forgivable as you would have only been able to stare at Her saintly visage in that 5-year-old wide-eyed badge photo. I wish I hadn't watched it myself. However, remember while you were gleefully neglecting the Order, *I* was watching people barfing up slimy lizard butt alien spider crab things. I do it all for you.

However, forsaking communing with The Blessed One in one of her most dire episodes because you had already seen it is heresy. I hope now that this artificially induced time of madness is over, you realize the gravity of your mistake. By not watching "Elegy" you had no Scullycentric push to get you through the following weeks. Plus there is the whole issue of basketball itself. In case you have not noticed, it is the chosen sport of the PUNK. St. Scully, despite her judicious use of heels, is most obviously physically equipped for other, more enlightening, activities. Remember: it is slam punk not slam dunk.

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Dear Sister Autumn,

Because I am 17 and already a third-year pre-med student, most of my fellow would-be Hippocratic oath-takers give me no end of hell for being an "egghead,, etc. What would the Sainted One's response be in such a situation? Pretty pllllleeease, in all your infinite wisdom?

Egg H. Ead (aka Sister Hanna-Leigh)
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Dear Eggy,

For being as bright as you are, I can't understand what are you complaining about. A little good natured ribbing? You ought to feel lucky I'm not in your class because I could do a whole lot better than "egghead." You'd live to rue the day I ever watched "Doogie Howser." Just be thankful you aren't going through medical school with a last name like "Scully." Imagine the flack she took.

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To the Most Wise and Dear Sister Autumn,

I am a fairly new Scullyist, although I have been a true Scullyist in my heart since the *commercials* for the *pilot* episode were aired. I saw the brief four seconds of Her Blessedness pounding through some trees and thought, 'Wow. I should check that out.' I have taped every episode since, never missing a Friday (and later Sunday) night--not once. I have attended four conventions, including the transcendental Burbank Convention during which Gillian Anderson - the holy medium through which the Blessed Spirit of Saint Scully lives - appeared before her worshiping fans. Not that this is relevant, but I wanted to demonstrate my devotedness to the Saint before I go on.

That said, I have several questions.

As I revere Her Blessedness, I strive to follow her every way, though I am by no means worthy. I wear a small gold cross around my neck. I repeat her blessed scripture, "I'm fine," whenever I am injured. Every night before I flick off the lights, I touch the framed autograph sitting on my bedside table and think of St. Scully. I have several pantsuits, though I am a college student and have no need of them. However, there is one area in which I am left confused and astounded. During my moments of worship, I have blessed her male partner as well as she. As she sees fit to love and respect him, should we not follow in her Blessed Way? Though he is not as wise as the most unworthy of us, St. Scully, in her Eminent Mercy, has sought to perceive him as her equal. Indeed, he has abused her kind benedictions, but he generally means well. Should we not remember that she respects him, and should we not obey her word first and foremost (though of course, you are wiser than I)?

I will meditate further on this matter, and await your wise word.

Sister CC Decker
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Sister CC,

My you are the wordy little sister aren't you? Amazingly enough, I have actually edited this letter to about half its original length. Somewhere in all that verbiage you've asked one of the questions that seems to crop up again and again in this column. While you have gone to great lengths to try to impress me with your devotion, I am not blinded by it (because, well, I of course have you beat). Allow me to point out (as a good Scullyist should) the flaw in your logic. The point is not that we need to recognize that St. Scully cares for her partner. The point is that there are an aggravating number of instances where he doesn't seem to respect her. If you believe that this does not also irritate the Blessed One, than you need to be watching more closely as she mutters her little sailor phrases under her breath after being ditched again or is belittled by him for her beliefs. Yes, the punk can be good, but until I see St. Scully's name on the door, a desk in that office, and a good healthy dose of non-ditching "you're right Scully," I maintain there is nothing wrong with recognizing as She does his shortcomings. In other words, pray all you want for the Punk. He needs all the help he can get.

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Dear Sister Autumn, the most knowledgeable of Sisters,

I would like to come clean and hope the Order can find it in their hearts to forgive me. I cannot help who I am related to, can I? I didn't ask for my family, and I would gladly give them up for my Sisters and Brothers...

I digress. My Aunt, the sister of my Mother, is a Mulderist. She reveres the PUNK over all things St. Scully and finds it near impossible to let me exist without putting down The Blessed One. She calls her...:::gulp:::...Smurfette. And I've been weak, Sister Autumn, I haven't fought back. I'm apologizing here and now for such a crime, and hope you find it in your hearts to forgive a Sister her family and her weakness.

~Sister Kristina...Heading to the Chapel of KungFu!Scully, to pray for strength and a few kick-ass roundhouse kicks. May the Blessed One guide me.
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Sister Kristina,

Wait a minute. Let me get this straight. You let a Mulderist call St. Scully a ::shudder:: "Smurfette" and did not respond? It is obvious to me that your Aunt is so power-mad due to your lack of response that she feels she can now say ANYTHING without impunity, and you will just take it. What's she going to do next -- tell you The Blessed One is a teletubbie and have you smile and nod? My God woman SNAP OUT OF IT! Fight back! Plan an attack! Tell her you'd like to bond with her over a few episodes that you pick. Slip in any Darin Morgan episode and whenever Mulder comes up with an idea snort to yourself and say, "Gee how stupid was that?" Note that during "Redux 2" Mulder is reduced to an arm gnawing mess without Scully. That in "Chinga" he can't even function without her. Comment during "Endgame" that the Blessed One is saving that ass your Aunt is so fond of yet again. Don't fail us Sister! It is really quite easy - and you've got a lot of penance to serve for your crimes.

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Dear Sister Autumn,

Once again, I find myself having problems following in the hallowed footsteps of The Blessed One, and I beg for your guidance in resolving them.

First, I must confess: I've been living the life of a *shudder* wrong-haired person.

No matter how expensive the haircut, how well- trained in famous European salons the stylist, how much conditioner and mousse I apply, how much time I spend in front of the mirror, my hair simply refuses to obey and flips outwardly at the bottom in a manner reminiscent of the Avenger's Emma Peel instead of the glorious fifth-season hair that our beloved Saint has chosen to sport.

What is a girl to do? I'm beginning to think that my hair may have Mulderist tendencies, as not only does it insist on being messy and rebellious, but lately it has taken to ditching my scalp as well for the Arctic region that is my bathroom floor -- just as the PUNK would!

Please, Sister Autumn, I implore you to look beyond my wrong-hairedness, shameful as it is for any member of OBSSE, and help me find my way back to Her path.

Yours faithfully in St Scully, Lia
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Sister Lia,

Well thankfully you are not also prancy. Plus, you have hope. The hair you are describing might very well fit The Blessed One during her unfortunate curling iron period when it flipped this way and that. Why just the other night I was rewatching "Shapes" and I thought the title of the episode was referring to her hair and not that silly "monster" story. Anyway, I do think there is a light at the end of the blow dryer. The road to season 5 hair was not an easy one for She of the Glorious Auburn Tresses - in fact, if my calculations are correct - it took 5 years. (Who says math is hard?) So, while you do have something to look forward to a ways down the road, you might want to consider sporting a hat for a while, because I'm afraid the next step upon your journey to perfect hair is the dreaded pregnant hair. Good luck Sister, we will be praying for you.

OBSSE Poll Results:
Wedding Bell Blues!

For last month's poll, our readers were asked to provide an SRE (Scully Rational Explanation) as to why Mulder was wearing that wedding band in not one, but two flashback episodes. Was it an oversight - we wondered?.... Did DD forget to take it off? Supposedly not all viewers caught sight of this plot device, er... prop in "Unusual Suspects" so The Ring appeared one more time in "Travelers" in all its glory -- complete with an unusual Mulder performance of affected hair-sweeping mannerisms, *just in case* the subtlety of its existence was overlooked.

What a challenge this presented our readers! The OBSSE poll booth was flooded with responses as those who had indeed viewed the The Ring trampled over each other... um... that is ... politely and respectfully offered their *viewpoints* and provided *satisfying* resolution for its mysterious true meaning. Here are just a few of the very funny responses:

From Sister Sue, the Quizzical:
"It is a replica of the wedding ring worn by Neil Armstrong, when he walked on the moon. Mulder picked it up at the Smithsonian, thinking it was a "pretty cool ring." Unfortunately, he lost the ring when, while in pursuit of an alleged miscreant, he fumbled his gun, which knocked the ring into the sewer. The ring was subsequently found during an autopsy of a man who had accidentally fallen and while thrashing about, swallowed a rather large fluke-like being, which had sucked it into its belly. The ring, now tagged as potential evidence of some environmental pollutants having been poured into the waterways, has been set aside for safe keeping in a file box in a special room in the basement of the Pentagon."

From Sister Steph:
"He actually believed he was married to one of his porn star "friends." He lived the lie entirely: he got his imaginary "wife" anniversary gifts every year for three years, brought home chocolate and flowers for Valentines Day, and even wore a ring. One day, Mulder underwent regression hypnotherapy, and discovered (1) his sister was abducted and (2) he was never married. "So that's why she always forgot our anniversary!" he thought, relieved. He went home that day, and for the first time he noticed a pathetic pile of unused lingerie in the corner and a rancid smell from all the rotten candy and flowers. Embarrassed, he resolved to never tell anyone his secret"

From Rebecca Eschliman:
"It's not a wedding ring; it's a little gold circular alien (distantly related to the oilien, result of more tinkering by the Kurts). It was originally developed to lasso a PLAM, and the 4th-finger perch is merely a Purloined Letter ruse to keep it ready for PLAM-lassoing activity."

From Sister Sick-of-Abductions:
"Mulder *just knew* that he'd be meeting the most incredible, perfect, witty, scientifically correct woman ever, so he decided to prepare his finger for the feel of a ring."

From Sister Kara (Zod):
"The reason Mulder is wearing a wedding ring is because he was too cheap to buy the Oxford class ring, and he didn't want to feel left out."

From Sister Boris:
"He used to wear a string around his finger to remember things, but he got so tired of tying that string on his finger every durn morning, just so that he'd remember to complain about his angst over the loss of his sister. So he bought a simple gold ring to use instead of a string. It's not a wedding ring: it's a Remember-To-Complain-About-Your-Life ring."

From Sister Squat:
"Cause it wouldn't quite go around his neck."

From Sister Sick!Chickie:
"His maid, wanting citizenship, drugs his water, marries him in Las Vegas in an Elvis House of Holy Luv. She then runs off with the repairman Mulder keeps on the payroll to plug up bullet holes, floor board stress (from playing basketball inside) and to replace the busted down doors. Together, they clean out his fridge, ransack the apartment and occasionally come back to steal the #2 off his door to spite Mulder. (But, on a bright note they do remember to feed his fish before running off to Canada.) Either that, or he married his landlady. Who else would put up with all the damage?"

From Brother Dave Fox:
"Well there's something called pseudo-habeovitamitis. It's a form of obsessive-compulsive disorder where a person has the persistent and inescapable impulses to compensate for his lack of any meaningful personal relationships by adopting certain superficial characteristics of such relationships, such as talking incessantly about non-existent siblings, keeping photos of complete strangers on his desk and, in extreme cases, wearing a wedding ring despite being unmarried."

From Sister Barbi McCulloch:
"When Fox Mulder walked into the jewelry store to pick up his specially-ordered gift, the jeweler was sorry to inform him that he would have to settle for a plain gold band as a symbol of his marriage to his work. That and the factory was slap out of 24-karat flying saucers for at least two years."

From Sister Moon:
"Poor pitiful, pathetic PUNK. Since he couldn't find anyone that could *really* stand to date him, he made up an imaginary little friend. The relationship progressed at a stunning pace, and before he knew it, he was married! He ran right out and bought a wedding ring because, after all, even an imaginary marriage is sacred. I would speculate on the divorce, but even a PUNK doesn't deserve to be reminded that his imaginary wife left him ... it's just *too* cruel."

From Paul Wartenberg:
"It's not a ring: it's a key. Remember, Mulder studied in England, home of a veritable menagerie of secret societies (all those years of watching Dr. Who haven't gone to waste...;-)). It's possible at some point, he may have joined one during a pre-FBI adventure.... My belief is that he has joined an exclusive club for whom he once performed an invaluable service. With his ring, he can access resources normally unavailable to others.... Also, hasn't Byers been seen with a ring, too? Perhaps Byers is a member of the same secret society...."

OBSSE Poll:
If I Were A Remission Chip...

As we all know, St. Scully is the Blessed Bearer of the Holy Remission Chip. In "Patient X" this blessed implant *seemed* to play an important part in causing The Blessed One to be inexplicably drawn to Ruskin Dam with Cassandra Spender, causing Her followers everywhere to wonder over the unknown powers of this special chip. Where-oh-where will the Blessed Chip of Remission call St. Scully to next? Will she wake again one night and be drawn to the nearest Banana Republic to take advantage of a great moonlight madness sale on summer casual apparel?? Will she be led in wide-eyed wonder to the next Lilith Fair? You make the call. If you were in charge of the Remission Chip, where would you cause St. Scully to go? (And let's remember -- she's already been to a tattoo parlor, lots of empty warehouses, and the inside of a confessional....) She could use a little fun, ya know?

Hello fanfic fans. On tap for this month: a great and very quirky conspiracy story (and a personal favorite) by one of the most overlooked authors, some new stuff from the OBSSE's own stable of talent, and some good old fashioned ScullyAngst with a dash of sex. Also, a few quickie recommendations by authors I recently featured: a look at names by Michaela - "Don't Call Me Dana", and a little conspiracy tale by Syn called "Locusts" . If you have fanfic picks suggestions email them to me autumnt@aol.com.

Marguerite

Our first author this month is one of our own. She goes by Sister Jezebel around the Abbey and being an OBSSE Sister you know she's going to write a strong Scully. Still, with a name like Sister Jezebel, is it any wonder that the first piece of hers I recall reading was an answer to a fanfic challenge about vibrators? Her answer: "Batteries Not Included". All silly stuff aside, I strongly recommend her story "Changing Woman". I hadn't seen the subject of how Scully feels about putting that chip back in her neck with all its ramifications dealt with effectively and this tale rises to that challenge - a must read about struggle and faith. Also recommended for those of us who long to hear the conversations that Scully and Mulder so need to have - on camera for once - "PAX", because chances are you aren't going to see them on the show.

LoneGunGuy

Now for a blast from the past. This author has not written anything in a long time, and frankly that makes me very sad. There are not many fanfic authors out there that have successfully pulled off a long, plausible, exciting, X- Files story without being mired in romance. You'll need to give this story some allowances for timeframe as it was written before season four, but I doubt you will be sorry for doing so. Read "Blood of Angels" and join me as one of the folks who begged for a sequel. He also has an interesting take on vampires called "Vital Fluids" . You can find all his work at this website .

Leyla Harrison

Leyla has been writing quality fanfic for quite a while now. In addition to the fact that she is a talented erotica writer, her many Scully cancer stories were some of the best I've read. You can find most of her work on her webpage. Her latest piece, a wonderful look at a Scully finally breaking with depression, is not there yet, but to read "Un Ange la Nuit" that link will hook you up with DejaNews where it can be found. No doubt you will want a laugh after that so take time to take in the hilarious parody "Mulder and Scully Have Sex" co-authored with Madeleine Partous.

Welcome New Sisters and Brothers!

Every month, we spotlight a few recent additions to our OBSSE family. Welcome Sisters and Brothers to our little slice of Scully Heaven (aka the OBSSE)! ;)

Sister Ann D. professes:
"After discovering the OBSSE web site, I spent many hours contemplating the countenance of TBO in an effort to discern whether I was worthy to become a member of this most saintly Order. I then subscribed to the OBSSE mailing list, and, after six weeks of reading the sage writings of the Sisters and Brothers there, I realized that if those lunati...um, I mean devotees were worthy, then I certainly was."

Sister Kari states:
"What can I say? Scully is my hero. Who else can chase down a bad guy in 3-inch heels, kick his butt, baby-sit her partner, actually solve the case, AND have great hair???"

Sister Jockstrap (uh...okay) confesses:
"It is my goal in life to prove to others that admiring a gold cross lying on perfect pale skin can be just as sensual as seeing what's his name flouncing around in a red Speedo."

Sister CarriK states succinctly:
"Scully rocks."

Sister Jo P. expresses:
"Forgive me, Sisters, for I have sinned. It took me until last summer, but I have finally accepted Her into my life. I have now devoted my time to praying for St. Scully to guide me in my hours of scientific darkness and to help me see the light of all things rational. I turned down a job working with insects in a plant pathology lab because I didn't want to give anyone the opportunity to use the line, "This is no place for an entomologist.""

OBSSE Member B. Pilgrim professes:
"Well...besides my mindless, inhuman, awe-inspiring devotion to the Glory that is She, I mix a helluva Boilermaker."

Sister Jen confesses:
"Dana Scully is a role model for strong women everywhere. She doth not bend in time of despair, nor doth she cow in the face of danger. She even putteth up with her partner."

OBSSE Member KudzuWolf says:
"I hate all Scullyless or Scullylight episodes (with the possible exception of "Ascension", cuz it's all about Scully, and...well..."Unusual Suspects," cuz I like the Gunmen). I'm in awe of her running-in-heels ability, see'n as I can't even walk in heels. I can handle the Scully eyebrow without trying (both eyebrows). I dyed my hair red last year. I almost decided to hijack FOX when I learned that GA's salary was less than DD's. I watched the KickAss!Scully scene in "Kill Switch" over and over. And finally, I thought that it was utterly pointless in XC to get Mulder in the ep for just two seconds so he could show off his elfhat."

OBSSE Member Terri states:
"She is the perfect woman. She graces any scene with her presence. I am in love with her. I want to be her. (Is this way too obsessive for you to let me in?)

Editor's Note: No.

The OBSSEwood Minute
By Sister Autumn

The big news this month is of course the scheduled appearance of Gillian Anderson at both days of the NY Expo May 9-10. The OBSSE will be well represented with both Sister La.. and myself in attendance along with a number of other Brothers and Sisters. We Elders should be easy to find as we will be sporting OBSSE T-Shirts (on Saturday at least). We will be reporting back next newsletter on what we hope to be a momentous occasion for the entire OBSSE. We can't take Gillian Anderson a desk, but there are some things we can do on behalf of the OBSSE... hee...hee....

The honors just keep on coming for Ms. Anderson. On May 8th she is being honored by her alma mater, The DePaul Theatre School, with the prestigious Award for Excellence in the Arts. Each year The Theatre School and DePaul present the Awards for Excellence in the Arts to a select few distinguished artists who have made a significant contribution to the arts throughout their careers. Not bad for a 29 year old.

May is NF Awareness month, and on June 4, 1998, Neurofibromatosis, Inc. will be celebrating their 10th Anniversary at a black-tie optional reception-dinner in Bethesda. If you were part of the OBSSE's holiday fundraiser this year, you've probably already received your invitation. If not, you can email NF, Inc. and request one.

In movie news, the X-Files film has a slated premiere of June 16th at an as yet undisclosed location. Anderson's, "The Mighty" is getting a very special out-of-competition screening at the Cannes film festival leading me to believe that all the great advance buzz on this flick is true. Gillian's next film, "Dancing About Architecture" is also shaping up nicely. It looks like Sean Connery, Dylan McDermott, Dennis Quaid, Ellen Bursten, and Ryan Phillippe will join the already stellar cast of the film.

The OBSSE was featured in an article in the San Francisco Bay Guardian and includes interviews with the RevMa Nancy Cotton and myself. It's a well written, funny look at fandom. Check it out here. As I write this column, the final episodes are upon us. Rounding out the season is the Shiban penned, "The Pine Bluff Variant" that promises plenty of Skinner and an undercover (no not that way Shippers!) Mulder who is in need of some service from his adventures from his personal physician. We then move to the much anticipated final outing of Vince Gilligan for the season, "Folie a Deux" followed by Chris Carter's movie lead-in, "The End". Then it is on to June 19th. Look for some surprise casting in "The End" (my sources tell me it is a great script). The latest wave of X-Files videos should also be hitting stores May 5th. The tapes will include "Piper Maru/ Apocrypha" "Pusher / Jose Chung's 'From Outer Space," and "Wetwired / Talitha Cumi" Also, we will soon be getting not one but two soundtrack albums for the X-Files movie - one of Mark Snow's score and another featuring original songs and remakes from various popular artists.

Member Musings...

Sister Jennifer-Oksana, inspired by the recent promo for May with a
decidedly "X-Files Around the World" air to it, penned the little ditty
below in her effort to spread more joy throughout the Abbey. (Note: OBSSE
Mental Health Insurance does not - repeat - does *not* provide coverage for
IASMWC -- "It's a Small World" Catatonia. We checked. You're on your own.
;)

It's An XF World After All
(sung to the tune of "It's a Small World")
by Sister Jennifer-Oksana

It's a world of conspir'cies
A world of freaks
It's a world of mytharc
And a world of geeks
There's so much that we share
That it's time we're aware
It's a XF world after all....

Chorus:
It's an XF world after all
It's an XF world after all
It's an XF world after all
It's a X-Files world....
 

There is just one Mulder
And one Blessed Scully
And a bee means wrongness to everyone
Though the writers are high...
And the conspiracies are wide
It's an XF world after all....
 

Chorus

Prayer in Holy Contemplation of All That is Scully
by Sister Not Bloody Likely

Dearest Blessed Saint, from whom such radiant rays of mercy and
tenderness flow (even when Thou art kicking ass)
I pray to you in this, my most desperate hour of need,
Be with me lest I send out a hit on Shiban, who understandeth Thee not at
all.

St. Scully's Prayer
by *swenson*

St.Scully,
whom shall never be in heaven,
hallowed be Thyself,
Thy truth shall come,
Thy command will be done,
by Punk as by All.
give us this day,
our daily SRE,
and forgive all Mulderists,
as we forgive all who trespass against Thou.
and lead us not into paranoia,
but deliver us from Spooky,
for Thine is the Truth,
the Smart and the Sexy,
forever and ever,
Amen.

Kartoons by Kara

That's all for this month folks! See you again after the season finale and just in time for the movie. Until then, stay Scullyrific! Copyright 1998, Nancy Cotton/OBSSE