I can't believe it. I just can't believe it.
It's May. After all of this year's ups and downs, the season finale of XF in the U.S. is right around the corner! The tension is mounting. The speculation is growing. And the XF party ideas have gone WAY over the top. (I draw the line at edible Dr. Dreadful fluke worms.) It seems that nothing but XF is on the minds of OBSSEsed fans like me.
So, in that vein, we provide you with this month's, "News for the OBSSEsed"-- an OBSSE oasis of delightful distractions to help you focus your spiritual energies on the enigmaticness that is the Sainted One Herself (rather than all of that confusing conspiracy mythos--yawn).
This month's issue is packed full of goodies: a rundown on the "Missive from the Sainted One Herself" (Yes! We've had a sign!!!!); more words of wisdom from our resident "Dear Abby of the Abbey," Sister Autumn (thanks for the coinage Sister La..); the latest on the Scullymata Scare that gripped ATX; the results of our "Should St. Scully Believe?" poll; a new poll asking you to pick the perfect mate for the Blessed One; more Muses from Our Members; and more, more, always more....
Have fun at your Season Finale parties. Don't leave your sunflower shells on the floor, and make my coffee with cream--no sugar. :)
Yours in St. Scully,
Sister Nancy (no clever sig)
A VISITATION FROM THE SAINTED ONE HERSELF
We've been blessed, friends, truly blessed.
If you've been around the XF Boards lately or come into the OBSSE site through the home page, you could not have missed the Missive from the Sainted One Herself. Yes, last month, Sister Autumn and Sister Nancy (ncs) sent a letter to Gillian Anderson (aka Dana Scully) telling her about the Order, praising her performance, and asking (heads bowed, eyes averted) for a possible icon (aka Photo) to put on the web site for all of the Sisters and Brothers to meditate upon. Several weeks later, our prayers were answered. The photo, with a brief message to the entire OBSSE from Ms. Anderson, arrived and is now up on the web site for all our members to view and enjoy. The message reads:
"To the entire "OBSSE"--
I got a huge kick out of the web site samples.
Thanks for the homage!
No, thank *you*, Ms. Anderson. We appreciate the gesture.
My Dearest Sisters and Brothers:
First, I must thank you one and all for the wonderful and overwhelming response to my OBSSE advice column for Scullyists. I promise to answer all your letters. However, if you don't see your letter this month, do not despair. I will help you as quickly as possible. (I must say, I did not realize that there were so many of you dear brethren that would be seeking my sage advice.) Keep those cards and letters coming to Sister Autumn(aka Dear Abby of the Abbey).
Yours in St. Scully,
Dear Sister Autumn,
I know that prior to the airing of "Small Potatoes", the members of the Order were to entertain the thought that if the Sainted One was to kiss Mulder it would happen only if she deigned to do so. Now that we know that it *almost* happened, why was the Sainted One avoiding eye contact with Mulder in the ending scene? Do you think she felt guilty or embarrassed about the events that transpired between her and the FauxMulder? Personally, I feel that she has nothing to be embarrassed about, but what explanation can be offered for that last scene?
A new member to the Order,
Dear Sister Joyce,
What a good question from a new member! I even had to consult with the Right Reverend Mother Nancy on this one. Even though you and I know that Our Dear Dana should not have felt guilt at the cruel deception inflicted upon her that made her heart (and ours) beat oh so quickly, the fact remains that she was caught (quite literally as well as hypothetically if you watch carefully) with her pants down. Above all, St. Scully never wishes to appear too vulnerable to Mulder, and now, thanks to Eddie's lustful hoax, Mulder has the undeserved advantage of knowing that Scully would have kissed him. Knowing Mulder like we do, he would not, of course, recognize that St. Scully had deigned to lower her standards for the evening and would, of course, just think it had everything to do with him and nothing to do with her. It is no doubt Mulder's possession of this selfish and incorrect knowledge of the events that has our Saint feeling a bit sheepish.
Dearest Sister Autumn,
As a new member of the Order, I am writing to confess a moment of weakness that took place last night. Instead of serving St. Scully proudly in my dorm room by reading a good novel, looking over medical journals, or watching back episodes, I got plastered (for lack of a better word) off a sinful bottle of wine. Can I make up for this ghastly deed by serving penance to the Order and still be a member? Just wondering....
Sincerely humbled and ashamed OBSSE sister,
Sister Tara, Tara, Tara,
If wine were a sin, I'd spend all my time in the confessional. I'm sure that watching "Small Potatoes" has probably already absolved you of any guilt you might feel as St. Scully herself even takes a break from medical journals to enjoy a nice bottle of red. Just don't get plastered alone - spend that time with friend or faux.
Dearest Sister Autumn,
Why does the X-Files always have to be so darn scary and depressing? :^( Wouldn't it be nice to see a more upbeat episode? :^) Why, I remember, when I was just a girl, many of my favorite TV shows would do specials where the cast would all go to Hawaii! :^) Gosh, wouldn't that be lovely? :^) And besides, St. Scully needs a vacation. :^) She so rarely smiles, I worry about her. :^( Do you have any clout with Fox? Could you tell them about my Hawaii idea?? ;^] I just think it would be such a delightful change. :^)
Little Sister Mary Sunshine :^)
My Dear Little Sister,
Upon receiving this letter, I took it upon myself to immediately head to Maui to check it out as a potential vacation spot for St. Scully. So that my research was valid, (we learn these things from the Good Doctor herself), I took along a fair-skinned, short, red-headed friend of mine so that I could scientifically observe any potential adverse effects of the sun (she burnt a bit, but as long as she used SPF 30 and donned a hat that St. Scully would have looked absolutely fetching in, everything was fine on that front).
Despite all this, knowing those X-Files writers and the big mean streak they have, I'm afraid that even a vacation in Hawaii would somehow turn into an X-Files version of, "The Brady Bunch" visit. If Mulder and Scully went to Hawaii, the big spider would crawl into Scully's trenchcoat pocket (because we know she doesn't carry a purse - and for some inexplicable reason she would be wearing her trench in Hawaii). In fact, she would be the only character in history to traipse around Hawaii in full Armani suit, heels, and trenchcoat.
Then, of course, Mulder would pick up the cursed evil little tiki doll artifact that caused all the trouble for those Bradys. Though it might be one of the more humorous episodes, we could only hope that it would also feature a luau with "Special Guest Star" Don Ho, and perhaps a return of the red speedos as Mulder enters a surfing contest in order to somehow remove the curse. Hmm. Maybe this idea has potential.
Last month, we asked whether St. Scully (given everything she has witnessed) should believe (as Mulder does) that extraterrestrials are indeed among us. Well, it appears that Saint Scully's skepticism runs deep in the OBSSE. Seventy-four percent of respondents said "NO", St. Scully should not believe, while 26 percent responded that she should. We had so many good comments, we don't have room to list them all. But here's a sampling of what was said:
From Brother Plantagenet
"Scully cannot deny what she has seen with her own eyes..., however, this does not mean that she should lose her skepticism. She should continue to question ALL of Mulder's wacko postulates, and hold fast to the scientific explanations. Even on "The X-Files," science still holds the answers."
From Sister Piper Maru
"It is very easy to believe that anything is possible. I think that Scully's inherent strength is her ability to harness the temptation to follow the beaten path of belief....The Sainted One is not closed off to extreme possibilities, but is thankfully cautious in her willingness to accept them."
"At this time in her earthly existence, St. Scully would consider the possibility of EBEs in some form not remotely implausible."
"Sherlock Holmes felt it a capital mistake to theorize in advance of data. It's a worse mistake to fall in love with one's theories (actually, hypotheses) and fail to test them out against the hard evidence. "I want to believe" is a blinking neon sign, a warning that here is an investigator in perpetual danger of ignoring or manipulating the evidence to suit a pet hypothesis...."
Sister DaNxtDScully (the ever pragmatic)
"She shouldn't, cause it'd really screw the show up! :-)"
Ah! Springtime! When the air grows warmer, the wild flowers grow taller, and even St. Scully gets frisky. Yep, I'm talking about the SMAK (Scully/Mulder Almost Kiss) in Small Potatoes, which was the talk of ATX in late April.
All this speculation over St. Scully's response to the FauxMulder got us OBSSE leaders thinking. Who *would* make the perfect person/mate/significant other for St. Scully, hmmm??? So this month, we throw the question out to you. Except, of course, there's a twist: You have to choose an entertainer. Naturally, we have some ideas based upon on our own personal preferences....but feel free to add your own. The results will be published in next month's "News for the OBSSEsed."
Last month, the OBSSE membership hit 100 with the addition of Sister FileOPhile. (We'd love to have given our Sister a T-shirt or something for being the hundredth member, but you know how times are for us nonprofits....) Anyway, we asked Sister FileOPhile to tell us her personal conversion story. Below is her statement of faith. Also below are testimonies from some of our other, newest members. Welcome all to the OBSSE!
Sister FileOPhile confesses:
"As an independent young woman, I am drawn towards strong female characters who do not pander to their male counterparts. Dr. Scully is a strong, independent, resourceful woman working in a male-dominated field with great success. I suppose if anyone could base a role model on a character, Scully would break the mold. These same ideas that drew me to Scully are the qualities I find the most endearing. I hope that I too will reflect her strength and courage."
And now, some notes from some of our other new members:
Sister Davi testifies:
"I...I love her. I would want to be her if I didn't think I'd screw up her life....Scully is the woman of the century. Strong but caring. Motherly yet not pushy. Intelligent but not snobby. Forceful but not overbearing. Feeling but not overly sensitive. Stubborn and determined. Impossible not to love."
Sister Becca writes:
"From the pilot of this o'holy show, I have admired and identified with the always enigmatic Scully. From the tip of her genius ever explaining head, to the tip of her little feet that are completely capable of reaching the pedals to a car, thank you....Scully is the epitome of what I as a fellow vertically challenged professional woman hope to be. Besides, I'm dying for more ways to explore my obsession! ;D"
Sister BelX'Sar explains:
"I think she is one of the most compelling characters and inspiring role models around today! Is there any doubt that she is a saint, even a Goddess?! I want to worship too--please let me in!"
Sister Katie testifies:
"I, too, am a vertically challenged, intellectually gifted student of science who firmly believes that "Smart is Sexy." I have experienced frequent urges to get up and kick Mulder for being such an utter doofus. Last semester, I wrote a term paper comparing Scully to Virginia Woolf for my English class. I have since managed to utter an appropriate Scullyism in every meeting of that class this semester. (Actually, I've just been watching you guys on the newsgroup for the past few weeks, and you crack me up. :) )
Sister Aurora confesses:
"My demure countenance actually causes perfect strangers to assume I'm already a Sister, but I assure you, a steel trap brain and sense of wit lurks beneath. I have a great memory, so I could have all the prayers/entreaties/novenas to the Blessed One filed away verbatim in under an hour. So may I join? Need I make further professions of faith at a duly appointed ceremony? And lastly, there isn't any nasty Frosh/Newbie hazing thing involved...is there?"
Heh...Heh...Heh...Guess we forgot to tell Sister Aurora about that
self-immolation thing....(just kidding! just kidding!) ;)
"SCULLYMATA" SCARE GRIPS ATX!
And other ramblings from alt.tv.x-files...
Last month was a hectic one on alt.tv.x-files and alt.tv.x-files.x-ville for the OBSSE. The month started out on a frightening note, with Several Sisters reporting mysterious, spontaneous nosebleeds. The first case of the "Scullymata Outbreak" occurred in Boston, after the Sister in question experienced a strange and unexpected nosebleed upon reviewing Memento Mori. It wasn't long after that the affliction spread among the Faithful, forcing the Order's leaders to issue an "OBSSE Alert!," urging Sisters and Brothers to carry tissues with them AT ALL TIMES and causing the Order to ante up for a special air mail drop of Kleenex to the East Coast of the U.S..
The mysterious but apparently harmless malady was not without its blessings, however. The outbreak prompted at least one individual (Sister Punk M.) to join the OBSSE after the Scullymata was visited upon her. Sister Punk M. wrote on ATX:
"I was watching a movie sitting next to some stupid guy--my date? My partner? Probably. I was very tired of being stuck with him. I was wearing a maroon skirt and three-inch heels, which is strange for me, since I don't usually wear three-inch heels....I felt something strange running down my lip and put a hand to my nose: blood. I stood up, ready to run to the bathroom. The male beside me stood up as well, and acting incredibly overprotective, tried to help. I told him to stay where he was, that I could take care of myself. He tried to follow me down the hall, but I yelled at him to stay there. He finally listened.
I ran down the hall effortlessly despite the heels I had on.
I went to the bathroom, cleaned my face, and made a decision. I took my pantyhose off and cut out of there--free to pursue my own desires. Free of that annoying male....
Is this a sign? An omen? Or a bad dream from a bit of undigested apply turnover/mustard (choose one)? Will we finally get the Action!Scully we have prayed for? Will Scully finally be the one to do the ditching?"
Needless to say, Sister Punk M took this as a sign of her calling to the OBSSE, and is now one of the faithful. (Sigh.)
In X-Ville news, the OBSSE leaders would like to thank all of the Sisters and Brothers (especially Sisters Monet, La..Dee..Da..and Punk M) who assisted the DUST (Distressed by Unresolved Sexual Tension) sufferers. At great personal risk, these fine Sisters, and many other members of the Faithful, followed in the healing footsteps of our Enigmatic Leader to minister to the afflicted masses. Well done, friends.
In Sanctuary business, the OBSSE humbly received a most generous gift from Sister CiCi (aka the Holy Priestess of the Church of St. Pendrell). Sister CiCi presented the OBSSE with, "The Barstool of Beer-Soaked Sacrifice" to be housed in the Order's Holy Hall of Martyrs. "We only ask that you do not wipe the red vinyl cover, as remnants of the last beer fully imbibed by our Holy One still resides there in its sticky glory." Of course, the Church of St. Pendrell's wishes in this regard are duly noted and will be honored.
On the militant...uh...I mean *culinary* front, Sister MYRKE has gathered a troop...I mean...*group*.. of fine volunteers to assist with the OBSSE's "kitchen" (wink.wink.) duties at the Sanctuary. Keep up the fine work, Sister MYRKE! Those SWAT Helmets...uh...I mean *pots and pans,* are looking ship shape!
OBSSE ATX "Quote of the Month":
by Sister Alanna (in response to St. Scully being called "short.")
"Wait-- "SHORT ONE"? Oh, no, Sister Amy, you don't understand. The Blessed One is *not* short...she is merely compacting her Divinity into a smaller package so as not to waste any unnecessary cells."
"Sister Charlotte," she says, "how about writing an article for the OBSSE newsletter from time to time? You know, about life, the universe, and The Skeptical One over on those sunny (ahem) shores?"
"Yeah, no problem," say I. (Gulp)
And, who am I, a mere novice, to question the wishes of our own Reverend Mother? Although I hasten to add that our Sister Nancy is an incredibly unmatronly and cool Reverend Mother... kinda more like The Rev. Ma, who probably has absolutely no intention of standing in any darkened rooms anywhere, let alone in Austria, singing "Climb Every Mountain", casting imposing and dramatic shadows on the wall as she does so. We'll leave the dramatic shadow casting to Our Blessed Lady and that guy she hangs out with.
And speaking of which...
Actually, there's a problem with writing about St. Scully from a British perspective: there *isn't* a specifically British perspective. Which, I suppose, says more about the whole series itself being universal. (Arguably, there could be some little green...grey... men somewhere out there catching reruns and venerating the Red-Headed One with devotional cries of "Yeah, go girl!" But we, of course, know that this is downright anti-Darwinian.)
It is true that The X Files is BIG over here. And with this comes a growing recognition of St. Scully. There has been many a time when I've walked into my local newsagents and found myself dropping to my knees in humble awe at the number of icons of The Enigmatic One ranged across the shelves. (And then getting carted off to the nearest hospital. No respect, these misguided non-Scullyists.)
However, the marketing of Her image is, perhaps, questionable. British magazines and newspapers are more than a little notorious for emphasizing the "Melrose Place" in everything, and much of the time, St. Scully is seen as 'sex symbol' and nothing else. Not that there's anything wrong with 'sex symbol'. She has rightly been termed as "the thinking man's crumpet" (explanations available upon request :-) and we, her pious followers, must not be afraid to rejoice in Her divine beauty. It's the 'nothing else' that gets me. For by concentrating solely on Her physical presence, such magazines are neglecting Her enigmatic wisdom and blessed skepticism that contributes to Her beauty.
British viewers were recently treated to that most reverent of Chapters in The Book of St. Scully, "Memento Mori", and it is this Chapter that displays my point. We are confronted by Our Blessed Lady's physical nature as never before. And, having decided to cast away the written word, it is in gestures and expressions, in the physical, that St. Scully conveys Her message: Her sacred vulnerability, Her strength, Her determination, and Her inner radiance. (If I could quote a smile, I would.) Surely, it is this inner radiance, as well as the Blessed Image of Her outer beauty, that we must carry with us as we follow Her hallowed example?
(Just call me Sister Billy Graham. ;-) Actually, please don't.)
Of course, this will mean a change of habit. I would like to make a suggestion for a revised code of dress for the OBSSE: pajamas and white toweling robes. Functional and comfortable, though...I'm not sure whether they'd quite combine with the three-inch heels.
Sister Charlotte ;-)
MUSES FROM OUR MEMBERS...
Prayers at the Reliquary of the Blessed One
by Sister Lesley
We venerate these objects made sacred by their connection to our Sainted Skeptic:
1. Tissue (bloodstained)
St. Scully the Ever Prepared, we beseech thee: Give us the self-possession to continue our mission in the face of adversity and the foresight to always have tissue in our pockets.
2. Cell Phone
Let us pray: Blessed and Enigmatic Saint, guide us in our endeavors to perfect the skill of striding through airports in three-inch heels while conversing on a cell phone with our wayward partner.
And the response shall be: "Mulder, where are you?"
3. Sterile Gloves
O Rational One, we plead for the fortitude to conduct any autopsy or on-site investigation with scientific precision. Thy partner may make snide comments during moments of rare planetary alignment, but the fact remains that when it comes to snapping on the latex, thou hast no peer.
Holy Scully, Keeper of the Smith & Wesson, Savior is thy name. How many times hast thou redeemed thy partner's behind? Be thy target a psychotic bellhop, an unidentified operative resembling Jeff Foxworthy, or one Agent Mulder, thy aim is always true.
Oh, St. Scully, I am heartily sorry
For thinking Agent Mulder is cool.
And I detest his paranoid theories and dopey jokes
That wither under thy Serene and Skeptical brow.
But most of all, because they offend thy most Sacred and Scientific Explanations, Oh Enigmatic One,
Who are most righteous and who really deserves a desk
(after four years, for crying out loud....)
I firmly resolve, with the help of thy Reason and Logic,
To reject red speedos,
And to avoid the near occasion of Mulderism.
Oh, St. Scully give me grace
Not to whack Mulder right in the face
To be scientific with all of my might
To deny anything strange
That comes into my sight
To place all things in their proper perspective
With science and logic my only protective.
To you, I pray, may angel and saint
That I will know what things are
And certainly what they ain't.
How do you solve a problem like Our Dana?
How does she hold a wave in hot pursuit?
And then there are those heels,
And all those alien deals,
And Mulder always leaves her in a lurch.
Oh, how do you solve a problem like Our Dana?
How do you hold a Moon Man in your hands...?"
Our Blessed Saint Scully who art in D.C.,
Although we know Fox is too lowly for thee,
We'll find an answer for all that we've prayed,
If Sunday you two find it fit to get laid.
We know that it goes against Blessed CC,
But we must save Mulder from pornography!
We know even Saints may have vast limitations,
But still, come on, really--Good Vibrations?!!!
And if such a chance ever arises, then
We pray that with Mulder it will be--Amen!
Next issue out by June 10, 1997. Happy Spring
Copyright 1997, Nancy Cotton