Well, this month I have a special treat for you guys. As we all know, we were cheated out of the scene in which the newly returned Mulder learns of Scully's pregnancy. Here's a little-known fact: 1013 actually planned to include the scene, in DeadAlive, right after Mulder woke up in the hospital. Unfortunately, there wasn't time in the end, because, you know, there was a lot of other important stuff to show, like random mystery visits to prison and people's flesh falling off them in the shower. However, several of the writers actually took a crack at this pivotal scene. And -- you guessed it -- thanks to my secret sources at 1013, I have for you today, in a News for the OBSSEsed Exclusive, a few of those scenes for your reading pleasure. So, sit back, enjoy, and envision
what might have been...
VERSION 1 : C. Carter
MULDER is still lying in the hospital bed. He looks over at SCULLY, who is now sitting back, her hands on her STOMACH. In that instant, he sees, he knows.
MULDER: Scully, how can this be?
SCULLY smiles beatifically. FADE TO:
FLASHBACK: SCULLY, lying in a hospital bed. (Note: Light her sort of like, oh, let's see, how about a Renaissance painting of, say, the Virgin Mary.) Doctors are moving around, doing stuff to her. Gynecological-type stuff. Yet through it all she lies unperturbed, for she is too angelic and humble to protest the sacrifice of her womanhood.
SCULLY (V.O): Creation. The very seed of life, of being. For when the world first swelled into existence, when the fires of eternity lapped at the shores of time, when life itself came into being, it was then that our future was written. For we are all united in one common reason: what it means to be human. Only with courage and hope can one pass through the trials that awaits us all, into the dark, through eternity. For our only hope now lies in the seeds of faith, which blossom before us like a Scylla and Charybdis in a quiet womb of truth. Then -- and only then -- can we know the true price of our courage. For that, in the end, is what makes us human.
(That, of course, is the answer to Mulder's question. People can interpret this in many different ways, and probably will, heh heh heh.)
BACK TO PRESENT. MULDER smiles at SCULLY. DOOR OPENS; they both LOOK UP. A DOCTOR enters (note: Played by Rob Schneider. If we can get him, of course).
DOCTOR: Mr. Mulder, you should be resting!
MULDER: (lightly) I can't rest until someone brings me tapes of that new show about the hackers on Fox that airs Friday nights at 9. I may have just returned from the dead, but I still can't miss it.
DOCTOR: (starting to take MULDER's blood) I love that show!
SCULLY: (chuckling) Oh, you two.
MULDER: No, really, Scully, you'd like it.
SCULLY: I'm sure I would, Mulder, but I've been boycotting Fox ever since they canceled Harsh Realm.
DOCTOR: That sounds like a show I would have LOVED to watch. Too bad I didn't even know it was on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MULDER: They were too busy airing repeats of America's Worst Attacks by Trailer-Trash Lowlifes and their Whores. (All laugh)
DOCTOR: Oh, by the way, there was a gentleman who came by to see you, Mr. Mulder. His name's Agent Doggett.
MULDER: (suspicious) I don't know that name. I fear new things. After all, my motto is Trust No One.
SCULLY: Mulder, I, too, started out being wary of Agent Doggett. However, over the course of the (note: ask Frank how long Mulder was missing) you were missing, he and I have established a deep trust with each other. Of course, not as deep as the trust you and I have; I wouldn't want you to think that I was trying to replace you. But a deep trust nonetheless.
MULDER: Well, I'm still dubious, Scully, but since I trust you, I'll trust your assessment of this Agent Doggett fellow. (to DOCTOR) Did he have a message for me?
DOCTOR: Yes, he just wanted to tell you that he and Agent Reyes hope you're up and about soon and that they're looking forward to meeting you.
SCULLY: Oh, that Agent Reyes. She's such an angel. I adore her. She's so cheerful and smiley, and it lends just the right amount of sunshine to the generally gloomy atmosphere of wherever we happen to be.
MULDER: Again, I don't know this Agent Reyes; however, if you like her, Scully, then I too like her. Because, after all, I've known you for eight years, we've been through all kinds of things together, and if you like someone, I think I'd have to be pretty damn mulish not to agree with you! In fact, I bet Agents Doggett and Reyes make a crack investigative team themselves.
SCULLY: They sure do. After all, they helped save YOUR life, and I certainly like YOU. I've been haranguing about your being gone for months and months, and now that you're back, just as I made it eminently clear through my constant, nonstop complaining that I wanted, it would hardly make sense for me not to have a whole lot of gratitude toward Agents Doggett and Reyes, who were instrumental in bringing you back, would it? I not only find them both very pleasant and stalwart, but also fascinating. I sure wish I could be a fly on the wall to see what happens once they take over the X-Files together! If, you know, that happens.
MULDER: Wow, you've sure convinced me, Scully!
DOCTOR: Me too. I can't wait to meet them! (All laugh)
VERSION 2 : V. Gilligan
After a few minutes of just lying close to her love and absorbing the joy of his presence, SCULLY realizes she has to tell MULDER something.
She hesitates, not sure how to say it.
MULDER (drowsily) Yes?
SCULLY: Mulder, there's...something I need to tell you.
She LEANS BACK. MULDER's POV, looking at her. He looks at her belly. It's blurry at first, but slowly his vision focuses. Like in The Great Muppet Caper when Kermit sees Miss Piggy for the first time after she karate-chops him into the wastebasket. Love at first sight!!!! Anyway. Finally MULDER FOCUSES on SCULLY's belly. He GASPS softly.
SCULLY (her eyes filling with tears) Mulder, you're going to be a father.
Music swells. It's a beautiful, perfect, wonderful, intimate, precious, joyful moment. So make the music GOOD, damn it. I'm talking to YOU, Mark Snow. Don't sample the frigging movie again. Use that stuff from the first cut of Memento Mori if you want, that was good. Or, may I suggest incorporating the motif from the song Baby of Mine, from the movie Dumbo? That ALWAYS makes me cry.
MULDER's eyes, too, fill with tears of joy as he struggles to grasp the true meaning of the blessing that has been bestowed upon him.
MULDER: Oh, Scully.
They EMBRACE. Poor MULDER is still too weak to move much, so SCULLY holds him instead. He kisses her pretty red hair.
MULDER: Scully...it's...it's a (sob) miracle!
SCULLY: Yes, Mulder, it must be a miracle. Somehow, in that magical moment when we made sweet, tender love after that time that we met that genie, when we were snuggling on the couch and our pure, perfect love for each other filled our hearts and overwhelmed us, somehow, on that day, Mulder, my darling, we created a life. And [words are blurred here from some kind of moisture; can't make out rest of speech -- Ed.]
MULDER: Oh, my sweet Scully. This precious child will be our salvation. And maybe it'll save the world from the alien threat. Because of (Dialogue about apocalypse, etc. to come -- boooooooring).
SCULLY: Yes, Mulder, that's true. But most importantly, you and I are reunited, and we'll be a family -- the three of us.
MULDER is laughing through his tears -- BTW, the music is STILL SWELLING. If you've run out of Baby of Mine stuff, may I suggest Because You Loved Me by Celine Dion? You know, it really applies to Mulder and Scully -- after all, "because he loved her," she's been able to carry on, he probably DID lift her up when she couldn't reach, because she's so short -- and on another level, because he actually, PHYSICALLY loved her, she's carrying his child. So it has a lot of layers to it. You know? God, Mark, I'm pretty much doing your job for you. Send me a cut of your check, OK? J/K! ;)
VERSION 3 : J. Shiban
FADE IN: SCULLY is still lying with her head on MULDER's shoulder. But OVER THEIR HEADS, out of their view, we see a SHADOW move stealthily, high up in the window.
A NURSE enters. SCULLY sits up.
NURSE: Mr. Mulder, how are you feeling?
MULDER: Like the walking dead. (HA! Because he sort of IS the...get it??)
The NURSE starts to say something in return. But suddenly, with a SHRIEK, an UNEARTHLY CREATURE descends on them from the window, where it had been crouching. It falls on the NURSE, ATTACKING her.
Two other CREATURES follow. Now we can see what they are: to everyone's immense horror, they are TINY MONKEYS, brown with pink noses and little white tufts of hair sticking up on their heads and little white hands and feet so it looks like they are wearing gloves and socks (or booties). Everyone is TERRIFIED. SCULLY recovers and reaches for her weapon.
SCULLY: Nurse, look out!!
She FIRES the gun. She misses, and the monkeys SCAMPER out the open door. The NURSE is shaken, bleeding from several gory, gaping monkey-bite wounds.
NURSE: OH MY GOD!
SCULLY: Are you all right? (shouting out the open door) We need a doctor in here!
NURSE: What happened? What were those things??
MULDER: (eyeing the NURSE with concern) I may have been dead for (note: Ask Frank or Chris how long Mulder was dead for; I don't understand this whole timeline thing), but I haven't forgotten all I know about the dreaded Pygmy Moppetnapper Monkeys of the Lower Amazon.
SCULLY: Mulder, what are you talking about?
MULDER: I have a file on them, Scully. They're a breed of hideous, terrifying, evil monkeys from South America that attack pregnant women and try to steal the babies they're carrying. I've heard stories of hospitals' maternity wards becoming infested with them. Nurse, I'm sorry to say, your hospital must be host to such an infestation.
NURSE: (now bleeding all over the place, shredded ribbons of flesh doing nothing to contain the rivers of gore -- Note to self: Find out when FX guys will be working on this one, and be there! COOL!!) I never would have believed such a horrid thing existed if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes! What can be done?
MULDER: Well, the ancient Incas (note: Find out where Incas are from, and if it's near the Amazon) had a very specific cleansing ritual that their shamans would perform. I'll see if I can find an expert to translate the ancient writings that I have.
A group of DOCTORS and NURSES enter, loading the wounded NURSE onto a gurney and taking her away, shouting medical jargon to each other. (Note to self: Take notes during ER this week to pick up cool-sounding medical terms.)
SCULLY: Well, Mulder, I guess there's nothing to welcome you back like a real live X-File. I have to say, though, those monkeys looked kind of cute. Their white tufty hair sort of made it look like they were wearing little party hats.
MULDER: (sternly) Scully, don't be fooled. They are DEADLY, DEADLY KILLERS. That nurse is lucky to be alive. But, you know, there's one thing I can't figure out. One thing that doesn't make any sense.
SCULLY: What's that?
MULDER: We're not in the maternity ward. We're not anywhere near it. Why, then, would the Pygmy Moppetnapper Monkeys have come all the way down here? I just don't get it.
MULDER: (looking at her) What?
SCULLY: Actually, there's something I have to tell you, Mulder.
MULDER watches as she stands up and indicates her pregnant tummy. He is amazed.
MULDER: Scully, you're pregnant! But I thought you were barren!
SCULLY: Seems it's a miracle, Mulder.
MULDER, smiling, is about to reply, when suddenly they are AGAIN ATTACKED by SEVERAL TEENY TINY MONKEYS. On this incredibly suspenseful and adrenaline-saturated moment, we FADE TO COMMERCIAL.
VERSION 4 : F. Spotnitz
After a few moments, the silence is broken by a SOUND outside the door. SCULLY starts, looking up. MULDER looks up too, his features tense. There is a shadow on the door, of a DARK, MYSTERIOUS FIGURE.
MULDER: (tersely, in a whisper) Scully, hand me my gun.
SCULLY does. (Note: I don't want ANYBODY coming in asking me stuff like where the gun came from. She just HAS it, OK? Let's not get bogged down in the niggling details.) MULDER gets out of bed. SCULLY rises slowly, trembling a little.
The SHADOW moves. There is a tense silence. Then, the DOOR OPENS. In a whirl of motion, MULDER LEAPS toward the door and grabs the FIGURE that has emerged, placing the GUN at his NECK.
MULDER: What do you want, you son of a bitch??
SCULLY: Mulder, be careful!
Pull back on the figure to reveal...CREW CUT MAN! Ha, right out of left field! Nobody'll see that one coming! (Note to self: See if he is still alive. Can't remember. If dead, insert line about how he is an alien or a clone or something.)
MULDER: My old nemesis!
CREW CUT MAN: Welcome back, Mr. Mulder. Did you enjoy your little journey?
MULDER: Not as much as you're going to enjoy your one-way journey to hell, you bastard. (Yeah!! Note to self: Also find out what this guy did, and make sure he is a bad guy.)
CREW CUT MAN: Mr. Mulder, I have some information that I think you'll be interested in.
MULDER: Oh yeah? (shoving gun more firmly into neck) Well, start talkin', before my trigger finger gets itchy.
CREW CUT MAN: My associates, for their own reasons, wanted you to be aware of the nature of Agent Scully's...condition.
MULDER looks over at SCULLY, who is still standing fearfully in the corner. For the first time he sees that her stomach is all fat. He figures out that she must be pregnant, because the rest of her is still regular.
MULDER: (turning back to CREW CUT MAN) All right, I'm listening. But you better make it fast, cause my trigger finger's gettin' itchy. (Note to self: That line sounds familiar. Find out where from.)
CREW CUT MAN: Let's just say that the child that Agent Scully is carrying is of great...interest to the men I work for. I think you know these men, Agent Mulder.
MULDER: Damn right. You tell those bastards you work for that I will never, never give them Scully's child. Not if they tie me down and (note: Let David think of something funny to say here, preferably having to do with anal probing).
CREW CUT MAN: You'll regret this, Agent Mulder!
Suddenly, there's a NOISE in the hallway. SCULLY presses her hands to her mouth in terror. Suddenly, the DOOR flies open (note: was door already open? Figure out) and a MYSTERIOUS FIGURE enters. It's MARITA COV (rest of last name to come)! She is dressed in a tight leather skirt, her blonde hair flowing over her shoulders. Suddenly, she raises a gun and points it squarely at MULDER.
MARITA: Let him go, Agent Mulder.
MULDER: God damn you sick bastards!
MARITA: If you do not, my associates will be very...displeased. (Note: Find out what the hell it is she does exactly, where works, etc. And if dead.)
MULDER: I don't give a damn what those sons of bitches you've sold your soul to think!
MARITA: (Note: During this whole part there are flashes of sexual tension between MULDER and MARITA. As if, even though she is about to kill him, he still sort of wants to do her. Hey, who wouldn't?) If you do not comply, we will take away that whom with which you withhold the mostly valuable.
CLOSE-UP on SCULLY, the valuable thing, I guess. She looks SCARED.
SCULLY: Be careful, Mulder!
MULDER: Scully, go bring the car around. I'll meet you out front. (She RUNS OFF.) (to MARITA) You'll regret this.
MARITA just smiles. SUDDENLY, there is a BRIGHT LIGHT! And a loud HUMMING noise. MULDER drops the gun and shields his eyes. When he recovers, the others are GONE. He is ALONE.
CUT TO: SCULLY, in the CAR, in PASSENGER SEAT. Engine running. MULDER gets into the car and PEELS OUT.
SCULLY: Mulder, what happened?
MULDER: You wouldn't believe me if I told you.
SCULLY: Don't try to tell me it was aliens or something!
MULDER: You wouldn't understand, Scully.
SCULLY: Damn it, Mulder! There's no such thing as aliens! You're so ridiculous! (Note: Make sure Scully still doesn't believe in aliens. Can't see why she would, but ask someone who has watched this season. Suggestion: Go on Internet anonymously and ask freaks. While there, take notes for LG show.)
THE MONTHLY DISCLAIMER: You all know I'm kidding. But just in case one or two of you don't -- I am. I especially want this clear this month, cause I'm feeling all schmoopy toward the writers right now. And because it's all over, as we know it anyway. Sniff. It's been a fun ride. Sniff. Hey, there's something in my eye. (/me runs off)
Once upon a time there was a red-headed agent of the FBI. The Red Headed Agent was among the cleverest forensic pathologists in the land, viewing all things through the lens of science but without ever losing her open mind. She didn't believe in aliens; not because of a stubborn skeptical streak, but because of the complete absence of demonstrable proof of their existence. She was, nevertheless, always willing to respect the beliefs of others.
One day, the Red Headed Agent got reassigned to the X-Files division. The X-Files division, which was located in the basement, was led by an attractive agent with a big nose. The Big Nosed Agent believed in everything he could possibly believe in, except God. He rarely stopped to question the validity of his sources and didn't give a damn about following proper FBI procedure. He was looking for his sister, which was sort of endearing, plus he had a great ass.
The Red Headed Agent and the Big Nosed Agent were polar opposites in many ways, but they recognized in each other the same spark of curiosity about the unknown as well as a powerful physical attraction that drew them together like magnets. They embarked on a journey to the very plausible state of Oregon and had a nice time in the rain and the mud and the rain and the mud.
It was the start of something good, even though at the beginning the Red Headed Agent dressed in JC Penney separates and everything that came out of her mouth roughly translated to, "Big Nosed Agent, you're nuts!" On the other hand, the Big Nosed Agent was pretty annoying himself, and had a habit of ditching the Red Headed Agent and keeping her in the dark about his secret shadowy informants.
Together the agents chased down bad worms and bad computers and bad ex-girlfriends and bad bugs and bad liver-eating mutants and bad monkey pee. They made it through a year without killing each other or spontaneously combusting because of the awfulness of their bargain- basement clothing, and then the X-Files division got shut down and the agents were separated.
"Well, crap!" thought both agents, because they didn't know that much worse things were coming their way.
A little bit later, one of the worse things happened: the Red Headed Agent was either abducted by a consortium of self-aggrandizing old men or she had a little alien experience. Or both. At any rate, it really sucked, and when she was finally returned her boobs were enormous.
They got smaller, after a while, and she lost the cherubic chubbiness of her cheeks and nearly lost her life to a death-fetishist who wanted her hair and a chicken-packing cult who wanted her head. In between there were green-blooded clones and unattractive teenagers in their underwear and horrible age makeup and a nice trip to Florida where the Red Headed Agent showed off her cleavage (va-va-va-VOOM!) and the Big Nosed Agent posed like a GQ model. But even with the Florida trip, it wasn't a great year.
In the end it got worse, when the Red Headed Agent shot the Big Nosed Agent so he wouldn't kill a Rat Bastard. They went to New Mexico for the nice weather, but there was some trouble and for a while it looked like the Big Nosed Agent was dead. And if that wasn't enough, at about the same time the Red Headed Agent's sister got murdered because the Rat Bastard and another guy mistook her for the Red Headed Agent. It just plain sucked, right, left and center.
Like all bad times, this bad time ended. The Big Nosed Agent wasn't really dead, which set a pleasant precedent for the years to come, and the two agents went back to work.
For about a year and a half things went on as usual. The Agents fought for truth, justice, and the paranormal way. Their bond strengthened despite an entomologist named Bambi and an oversexed blonde named Detective White, and they battled cockroaches and killer stuffed cats and Satan and a mind-controlling son of a bitch. The Red Headed Agent took a chip out of her neck, learned she wouldn't die, and got a dog. The dog got eaten by an alligator, which was just about par for the course. There was something about bees and something else about clones and a bit of passing absurdity about past-life soul mates. The Red Headed Agent got a closetful of fabulous suits and the best haircut in the history of humanity, and the Big Nosed Agent bought a gross of heather gray t-shirts. The Rat Bastard lost his arm and the Big Nosed Agent lost a child molester. The Red Headed Agent had a fling and got a tattoo, which turned out poorly (the fling, not the tattoo) but all in all, things were going pretty well.
Then the Red Headed Agent got cancer. It didn't come out of nowhere, either -- there was every indication it had been given to her during her abduction.
"Well, crap!" both agents thought.
The Red Headed Agent waxed maudlin in her journal and the Big Nosed Agent was affectionate one minute and a big jerk the next. They carried on as best they could until the Big Nosed Agent couldn't take it any more and shot himself in the face.
Or not, as it turned out. But at the same time, the Red Headed Agent's cancer caught up with her and it looked like she wasn't going to make it.
"Crappity crap crap!" they both thought.
Then everything got better, thanks to the blessed remission chip and the prayers of some very clever, not to mention good-looking, internet nuns. The Red Headed Agent celebrated her newfound good health by trying to get it on with the Big Nosed Agent, but he made fart jokes and booked it out the door. She sang him lullabies anyway, because she's always been saintly that way, and a little bit later they danced to Cher. It was a great few weeks.
It didn't last, of course, since the tenants of the X-Files office are legally mandated to have crisis after crisis until they snap and start taking hostages at Dunkin' Donuts some pleasant summer morning. The Red Headed Agent found out that somebody had stolen her ova (the bastards) and made a child, but the child died and everything was horrible again.
This bad time got better, just like all the others. The agents had porno-nurse-kicking VR fun and a hot wild leather-n-lace threesome with Sheriff Hartwell and fought giant zombie bugs as if they were each other's one in five billion. But then again, 'better' is a relative term. The X-Files office burned down and that sucked, and another of the Big Nosed Agent's old girlfriends showed up and that sucked too, and it really, really sucked when the fatuous old men took the Red Headed Agent to Antarctica and gave her to the aliens. (It was insult upon injury that she didn't even believe in aliens.) The Big Nosed Agent rescued her, proving he's good for something, and then she was frozen and he was frozen so she hugged him until he was not frozen anymore.
After they got back from Antarctica they were off the X-Files for the ten billionth time, but they still had hijinks in Nevada and the Bermuda Triangle and haunted houses and the high school reunion of that annoying chick from Saturday Night Live. The Red Headed Agent got shot in the gut, but whatever. Most of the old men got burned up and a bad writer with a huge schnoz said the Red Headed Agent was in love. The Red Headed agent wasn't so sure, but she did know she liked baseball. The Big Nosed Agent had some brain problem and the Red Headed Agent went to Africa, but it all worked out in the end and they kissed on the next New Year.
That year flew by, with snakes and magicians and poppin' corn and the groundbreaking invention of the boobphone and take two of the freakass death fetishist who wanted the Red Headed Agent's hair. The Big Nosed Agent found his sister, sort of, which was nice except that it takes a special kind of stupid to believe she was really turned into starlight, and later on the agents drank the Tea of Love and did the wild thang, which was also nice except then after a bit the Red Headed Agent got knocked up and the Big Nosed Agent got abducted by aliens.
"Well, crap," thought the Red Headed Agent. (The Big Nosed Agent probably thought that too, but we can't really know.)
The Red Headed Agent cried a lot, accompanied by soulful wailing, and got a new partner with glowing ears and balls made of steel. They half-heartedly looked for the Big Nosed Agent and investigated a lot of more important stuff, like butt genies and the least interesting love triangle in the entire universe. Eventually they found the Big Nosed Agent, but he was dead.
"Well, crap!" thought the Red Headed Agent and the Steel Balled Agent. (The Big Nosed Agent probably thought that too, but we can't really know.)
Except that the Big Nosed Agent wasn't really dead, as usual. After a while he came back to life and acted like a jerk.
The Red Headed Agent rolled her eyes and contemplated her Buddha nature and waited for the Big Nosed Agent to work through his problems, and when he was done being a jerk she had her baby in Bethle-, er, Democrat Hot Springs, GA, a bustling metropolis filled with humpback whales and alien zombies looking for a peepshow.
Despite the adverse conditions, the baby was a healthy boy and the Red Headed Agent named him William, after all the men she's ever known. William and his mommy and daddy loved each other in the way that only the world's most dysfunctional family can, and they all lived happily ever after.
Or at least through the hiatus.
Bye, Bye to the
Sung to the tune of:
A long, long time from now,