News for the OBSSEsed
Issue No. 23, March/April 1999

Busy, Busy, Beavers...uh...Bunnies
Here Comes Beaver Bunny Tail..Hopping Down the Abbey Trail...

Wow! Is this Abbey hopping or what? ;-)

Spring has definitely sprung here in the Order, but in the best of all possible ways.

Registration for the Second Annual OBSSEsed Fest is underway, with space filling up fast. If you'd like to have a fun-filled time I *promise* you won't forget, then join your fellow Sisters and Brothers in June in Winter Park, Colorado. Read on for more information about the Fest, how to register, and to take a sneak peak at the Fest accommodations.

Speaking of Fest, if you're artistically inclined and love a challenge, enter our OBSSEsed Fest T-Shirt Design Contest. Nothing says you love St. Scully more than designing a t-shirt for your fellow Scullycentric friends, right? :)

Before we Fest, however, we've got an even BIGGER event coming up. The first ever OBSSE Scully Marathon for NF, Inc. will be held throughout the month of May. Read on to find out how you can Marathon with your fellow Philes AND raise money for Gillian Anderson's charity of choice while doing so.

In the meantime, have a Scullyrific Spring (if you're in my part of the hemisphere, that is)!

Nancy's Signature
RevMa Nancy (no clever sig)

OBSSE Scully Marathon!
On Your Mark. Get Set. SIT!

OBSSE Scully MarathonThe Order of the Blessed St. Scully the Enigmatic (OBSSE), in cooperation with the Gillian Anderson Web Site (GAWS), is joining in the fun to raise funds for Neurofibromatosis, Inc. (NF, Inc.) by hosting an OBSSE Scully Marathon in May.

Not athletically inclined? No worries! All you have to do is...well...sit. And of course, keep your eyes glued to the television screen.

To participate, simply round up copies of the XF episodes that have been selected for the Scully Marathon and plug 'em in! Before you start watching; however, get family, friends, coworkers, and fellow X-phile fanatics to agree to donate $1 or more for every episode you successfully view in succession. Collect the money (checks made out to NF, Inc., please), send it to the OBSSE central collection point, and we'll forward it on in one big lump sum to NF, Inc., a charity near and dear to Gillian Anderson's heart.

Group Marathons!!!
Scully Marathons can be held any time during the month of May 1999, so pick a date convenient for you! The OBSSE is also organizing group marathons in larger cities. If you'd like to host a group marathon in your city or you'd simply like to participate in one near you, go here for more information.

To find out everything you need to know about the OBSSE Scully Marathon (including how to get your very own Scully Marathon T-Shirt), visit our Marathon Web Site, created by Sister La..Dee..Da.., our intrepid Marathon coordinator. Follow the following links to the information of your choice:

And don't forget to visit the GAWS XF Auction for NF, Inc. in May! Find fabulous XF collectibles AND make a donation to GA's charity of choice. What can be better than that?

Be(lie)aver it! Fest Registration Filling Fast
by Sister Nanchita

Fest is Best!Registration for the Second Annual OBSSEsed Fest, which will be held June 17-20 in Winter Park, Colorado, was announced earlier this week on the OBSSE Mailing List, and space is filling fast.

To make sure you get in on the fun, visit our Fest Information Page. Go here for a view of the Fest headquarters (Beaver Village Resort). And finally, step on over to the Fest Registration area if you are inclined to join us.

We'll have videos to watch, games to play, conspiracies to plot ,and snacks to eat, all in the beautiful surroundings of the Rocky Mountains. So sign up now!

As one Mr. Rob Petrie recently said, "Bring it on."

It's a Bird! It's a Plane!
It's an OBSSEsed Fest T-Shirt Contest!!!

Yes! You too can fulfill your life-long dream of having your handiwork adorn the chests of your fellow Brothers and Sisters as they frolic about Winter Park, Colorado for the Second Annual OBSSEsed Fest '99.

Enter Now!!!Feelthe pride as you hear the whispers around the Abbey about just how way cool you are for coming up with the design for Fest '99!

Win the valuable prize handpicked especially for you by Sister Autumn and her bag of scripts!

Know you have served the OBSSE well and contributed to the merriment of all! How can you resist?

Simply scan in your 1999 OBSSEsed Fest t-shirt design and send it to Sister Autumn, or email her for address information to send the hardcopy. Entries must be received by May 1. The winner, which will be selected by the OBSSE Elders, will receive a free Fest T-Shirt PLUS an XF script of your choice, straight from Sister Autumn's very own collection!

Now get to work you creative types, your FEST '99 committee is depending on you!

Special OBSSE Member Spotlight:
Sister Sadie

A while back I received a note from Sister Sheila asking if we accepted...uh...non-human members. I must admit, that one had me stumped. Then I heard her story. What a hoot! (So to speak). As Sister Sheila quite rightly pointed out, it seemed she was the owner of a Scullycentric Bird named Sadie. Read on, Sisters and Brothers, and tell me how anyone could resist such a Scullyistic Soul, fowl or otherwise. Welcome to the "flock," Sister Sadie! Heh...heh....

Say "Amen!" Sister Sadie!Dear RevMa:

You don't have to be human to be a fan of the X-Files...

We first discovered that our two-year-old African Grey parrot, Sadie, was an X-F fan when we noticed her trying to whistle and sing along with the theme every Sunday night. Since she is an excellent talker, with a vocabulary well in excess of 100 words, we decided to teach her a few X-F related phrases. Sadie gets particularly interested in phrases that sound exciting or dramatic to her. If you can make it sound interesting, she'll learn it!

The very first X-F phrase she learned was "Trust no one... no one." It only took her about two days to learn to say, "Mulder, you're nuts!" (Of course, on occasion she changes things around a bit and will just yell out, "Mulder nuts!") I have seen Sadie add the words "you're nuts" after hearing Scully say Mulder's name when X-F is on -- proving that she actually pays attention to the show. (Editor's Note: And that she's a Scullyist!) Then, after watching the cornfield scene in the movie multiple times, she picked up Mulder yelling, "Scullllleeee!" My personal favorite is her own version of one of the scenes from Small Potatoes, "Sadie the Bird... F...B...I."

Sadie is currently working on learning some new X-F lines and enjoys perching on the back of my chair during the Friday night chats. She just loves those spoilers!


Sister Sheila

Spring into Fashion!
with Sisters La..Dee..Da.. and Paula R.

We've all been there.... Standing in front of your closet browsing the beige section, you wonder - is the horrid zippered suit *really* that frightful? Teetering on the brink of indecision, you consider your firearm and hesitate - one clip or two?... It's a classic case of cabin fever fashion fretfulness. Fear not! Just in time for spring ... when an OBSSEsed one's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of fashion, we present to you the latest in Scullyistic do's and all-too-common don'ts. In order that you may follow, (ever blessed and never straying) in Her Pantsuitedness' footwear, read on for this season's vital tips....

1. Bandana Basics for Work and Play

BandanaBeauty!ScullyDo: Wear your bandana in a howdy-do fetching manner about your neck - the perfect accessory for those cozy-coastal-Florida-in-a-hurricane weekend getaways battling sea monsters and delivering babies. Get out of her way or make yourself useful!

Don't: Model your bandana in an unflattering fashion. Even worse than her fashion misfire, Prissy's hair accessory is wrapped so tightly all obstetrical knowledge flew out of her head.

2. Accessories: Not Just the Piece, It's Also the Placement
Fashionable Badge WearDo: Display your FBI identification tastefully on the lapel of your well-cut jacket.

Don't: Wear your badge in the middle of your forehead on a hat with fluffy earflaps. The only exceptions would be: 1) you're a unicorn, or 2) you're sure, very sure, you'll get an academy award.

3. Re(a)dy or Not!
Fed Fatale...Hoo-Boy!Do: Wear red, red satin and lots of it, when playing a '30s femme fatale. And for heaven's sake, if a handsome man with a bad haircut should make advances aboard ship - make sure the lighting is right, damnit, speaking of which....

Don't:Allow yourself to be filmed in black and white when making a dramatic entrance in your red gown to a ball where all the other debutantes wear white. Our own Sister Jezebel told us, "Hell's Belles, I thought y'all knew that!"

4. Bouncy, Busty, But Not Too Bawdy
WonderWoman in Kevlar!Do: Wear appropriate and practical chest protection. Scully's charcoal gray Kevlar vest does double-duty - bullet repellent by day, easy-off Velcro by night. It's the vest that keeps on giving.

Don't: Allow your boyfriend or husband to talk you into this outfit - they're lying. Linda's choice in chest protection leaves far too little to wonder at. Do those bullet-deflecting cuffs of hers double as hot-rollers? We think they might.

5. Spring Flings Don't Lack Black
Basic Black...Yowza!Do: Continue to wear black this spring. Scully heats up spring-time temperatures with hip sophistication in her head-to-toe monochromatic look. We love the longer flyaway jacket, as well as her self-confident saunter. Black -- always in fashion, always in step.

Don't: Wear God knows what on your head. While Fran opts for the monochromatic look in white, she runs the risk of being firmly grasped by her ankles and potted like a spring bulb. If you *must* wear silk flower arrangements atop your head, balance the effect with a fuller skirt, which will at least afford the opportunity of a quick escape.

Make Your Own Eggs for Scully!
( or "At Least Someone's Willing to Give Scully Some Eggs Of Her Own")
by Sister Jennka Marthovna Stewartskaya

What You'll Need:

I'm sure we all recall the Ukrainian Easter Egg (pysanka) in a snow globe that Mulder picks up in "Memento Mori" If this is all a bit fuzzy, run now to your tapes, watch MM, and come back to the computer when you're done. I'll wait for you here. I MEAN IT!!! RUN!!!! NOW!!! (For those of you with taping "issues," you're on your own here.)

Everyone back? Good. So, seeing as how Scully is *still* missing her ova and how that certain someone has not yet decided to take them out of the freezer or wherever it is that he's keeping them, and return them to her, or at the very least mention the fact that he *has* them, and seeing as how Spring's right around the corner, it seems like a good time to make eggs of our own for Scully. I'm sure if she knew the whole story, she'd appreciate that at least *we* want her to have some eggs of her own!!

Making Your Egg: Colors and Symbols

The tradition of pysanky dates back a few thousand years. Each egg is specifically designed for the intended recipient. Every color and design that is placed on the egg has special symbolism, and the egg, once completed, is said to have talismanic powers.

On my Scully egg, I used the following colors and symbols:

Beaver pynska!Yellow: for benevolence and non-ditchability
Orange: for endurance and strength (to put up with all the lame MOTW's)
Green: for fertility and health (God knows she could use a LOT of this)
Red: for joy of life and some red hot dates (HooBoy!)
Purple: for patience (to help her in dealing with that guy she's always with)
The Queen (an ancient Matriarchal depiction)--fertility, wisdom and goodness
Tic Tacs--for minty freshness (a very popular and traditional symbol. Really.)
Ladders--rising above the petty problems of life, including Season 2 hair
Spirals--immortality ( Clyde Bruckman *was* right.)
Hens--fertility (Hey! Someone's gotta be looking out for a cure for her!!)
Foot--KickAssedness (Ok. This isn't a very traditional symbol. So sue me.)
Gun--ability to retain one's firearm in times of need (I'm pretty sure this one is traditional.)
High Heels--for Non Prancy Running at all times (I've used this one a lot.Very traditional.)
Well, as you can see, those ancient Ukrainians had symbols for just about everything. Since I'm Ukrainian too, I can say for a fact that we would not be adverse to anyone making up some new symbols to suit a particular need, you know, like say, the Floaty or the Blender.

Normally, the eggs are made using special dyes and beeswax in a wax-resist process. To save time, you can just draw your designs on your egg using permanent colored markers. I have given the one I made to my Armani Suit Scully. She told me that it's the nicest egg she's ever gotten, and she said it really has been working for her, too. In the 5 days she's had it, she's had 3 hot dates with my Han Solo action figure, and she feels more KickAss then ever.

Click here for a look at some pysanky eggs and a little history of the tradition.

(or "How I Learned to Say 'TETINFF' and Love It!")
by Sister Cathy B

Making the transition from a secular life into one devoted to the service of St. Scully can be a challenge. We all must learn to leave our old ways behind and view the world from a new vantage point - even speak a new language, if you will. Many words that are familiar to English-speaking lay people take on entirely different meanings here in our blessed, close-knit community, and it can be difficult to keep track of these distinctions. With this in mind, I present this handy guide. Read, learn, and be enlightened.

bible.gif (313 bytes)Autumn

Lay English
The season between summer and winter

She All About Whom It Is

bible.gif (313 bytes)bee
Lay English
Small honey-producing insect

1: Carrier of mind-control virus 2: Freakin' plot device

bible.gif (313 bytes)CC
Lay English
Broadcast with spoken words transcribed along the bottom

He Who Won't Let Scully Get Any

bible.gif (313 bytes)ditch
Lay English
Elongated excavation

Bad habit of certain punkasses

bible.gif (313 bytes)DD
Lay English
1: Massachusetts-based doughnut retail chain 2: Large brassiere

Actor possessing fuzzy hair, distinctive biceps, and occasional 'tude

bible.gif (313 bytes)Deep Throat
Lay English
1: Watergate informant 2: Sexual maneuver

First-season episode featuring early example of Holy Ass-Kicking

bible.gif (313 bytes)dolly
Lay English
Children's toy

Extremely sophisticated, highly collectible figurines

bible.gif (313 bytes)EI
Lay English
Expression uttered in a high squeaky voice upon being frightened or startled

"Earthy Incarnation;" the corporeal form through which our Saint speaks to us

bible.gif (313 bytes)fence
Lay English
Barrier that delineates a boundary between two pieces of property

Seat for the commitment-phobic

bible.gif (313 bytes)fluke
Lay English
An unexpected stroke of luck

A funny writer in a worm suit

bible.gif (313 bytes)Fox
Lay English
Small carnivorous member of the dog family

1: Punkish yet lovable sidekick 2: The only broadcast network that

bible.gif (313 bytes)GA
Lay English
Southeastern state famous for producing all the peaches

Midwestern actress famous for deserving all the prizes

bible.gif (313 bytes)Gilligan
Lay English
Little buddy of a doomed expedition as documented on '60s television show

Writer of delightful character pieces and Sacred Episodes as documented on '90s television show

bible.gif (313 bytes)implant
Lay English
1: Artificial enhancement to the female mammary glands 2: Only reason Pamela Anderson has a career

Holy relic to the OBSSE and device that sets off metal detectors, lures recipients to bridges in the middle of the night, and causes cancer if removed

bible.gif (313 bytes)JFCOS, WOTC, CBFR
Lay English
Umm...your spellcheck is broken.

One hell of a fun time!

bible.gif (313 bytes)MM
Lay English
1: The new millennium 2: The official candy of the new millennium

Sacred episode and hour-long rollercoaster of angst and exquisite beauty for which all prizes were deserved and won

bible.gif (313 bytes)Moonlighting
Lay English
1: Working after hours 2: Television comedy/drama of the '80s

God, ENOUGH already! Do you think you're the FIRST one to make that comparison?? Jeez!

bible.gif (313 bytes)NA
Lay English
An expression of negativity

(definition deleted for fear of starting up the thread again)

bible.gif (313 bytes)OB
Lay English
Brand of tampon

What you should ALWAYS put before your posts on the OBSSE Mailing List

bible.gif (313 bytes)OBSSEsed
Lay English
Excessively interested in something

Excessively interested in someone

bible.gif (313 bytes)Punk
Lay English
Rebellious youth

1: One who ditches 2: Former vocation of EI 3: OBSSE sister and author of excellent fanfic

bible.gif (313 bytes)Scully
Lay English
Baseball announcer

FBI Agent and Saint; mistakenly believed by some to be "fictional" ;)

bible.gif (313 bytes)ship
Lay English
Large seagoing vessel

Reason for existence of 95 percent of fanfic

bible.gif (313 bytes)slash
Lay English
1: To cut with a sideways sweeping motion 2: Diagonal line

Reason for existence of the rest of fanfic

bible.gif (313 bytes)slut
Lay English
One who behaves in a lewd fashion

One who has memorized dialogue from an episode that will not air for five months (See also "Spoiler")

bible.gif (313 bytes)spoiler
Lay English
1: Food item that has begun to go bad 2: Air deflector on the back of an automobile

Candy for the weak-willed

bible.gif (313 bytes)SWILS
Lay English
Chugs down greedily

One who doesn't normally play for the home team but would take a swing for St. Scully

bible.gif (313 bytes)Travelers
Lay English
People who journey from one locale to another

1: Incomprehensible filler 2: Excuse to flash wedding ring

bible.gif (313 bytes)Triangle
Lay English
A three-sided, three-cornered shape

The reason Act Twos of TV shows were invented

bible.gif (313 bytes)trout
Lay English
A species of freshwater fish

1: Swift and deadly weapon wielded by She All About Whom It Is 2: To inflict punishment through swift and deadly application of said weapon.

bible.gif (313 bytes)XF
Lay English
1: Extra-Filling 2: Extra-Fattening

If you have to ask, you're reading the wrong newsletter.

Ask Autumn)
by Sister Autumn T.

Brothers and Sisters, welcome to my monthly advice column where I kindly read over your sad little missives and then impart my wisdom. As usual, my mailbox overflows with your collective angst, and I have taken time out of my busy Abbey duties to assist you as only I can. If you too, for some inexplicable reason, find you cannot live without my help, write to me at Ask Sister Autumn, and I'll let you know exactly what I think.

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Dear Sister-Whose-Name-Just-Slips-Off-The-Blessed-One's-Soft-Silky-Tongue Like-A- Devon-Cream-And-Belgian-Chocolate-Coated-Strawberry,

I haven't written to you for so long because, in my smugness, I thought I never needed to. I was so certain of The Blessed One's presence in my life in Her place as my muse. I confess that I sneered contemptuously, in secret of course, as the other Sisters and Brothers prattled on about their little talismans. You know what I mean. The Scully action figures. The Scully crafts, like snow globes and Scully-On-A-Stick. The Scully Rosaries. My faith was pure enough, I thought, that I could safely eschew reliance on trite little crutches such as these to sustain it. Until... until recently, when I decided to head to my local Toys-R-Us to find a Scully action figure. Just for fun, you understand. And there were none. None. They'd been - gasp - discontinued. I spent the next several weeks trolling the aisles of toy stores, Wal-Marts, K-Marts, and flea markets looking for the Plastic Incarnation, and I couldn't find Her. I won't bore you with details of my obsessive search. Suffice it to say that I have now taken to carving Her likeness into dishes of Chocolate Chocolate Chip ice cream, arranging the olives on my spaghetti into an approximation of Her countenance, and spending hours scraping the frost off my windshield in such a fashion that Her image is resplendently before me as I drive to work, peering through the tip of Her nose. Sister Autumn, I have used Tilex Tub 'n' Tile Cleaner to artistically clear away ugly soap scum so that Her face appears in all its germ-and- unsightly-lime-deposit-free splendor. I have even stooped to - *sob* - writing Scullycentric fanfic.

I confess - I can no longer live without a tangible symbol of Her Presence in my life. Help me get my old, smug, self-righteous self back.

Sister Squat

Dear Squat,

Were I a cruel woman, well rather, were I a crueler woman, I would continue to let you play in your food in hopes of a Scully crafts newsletter article about how exactly to mold Her Pantsuitedness out of green Jell-O (Editor's Note: RevMa says "hmm" and takes her little notes at this point.). However, as I wish to save the Jell-O for productive things like the "alien goo" Jell-O shots that seem oh-so-popular about the Abbey after a mythology episode, I shall help you in your noble quest. That and I feel slightly guilty because I seem to remember ripping a Scully action figure out of your hands at the KayBee store during Fest last year. As the proud owner of three - count 'em three - Scullys in various poses of flipping aliens or stomping on the PUNK's unworthy little head, I know how cathartic they can be. So, not only did I find her, I found her on sale. For your Bargain Blessed One 50 percent off at only $8.00 (which I believe for you is $971.32 Canadian) Click Here.

Editor's Note Again: Psst! Squat! I can get ya a Gabrielle doll for $2.97 (US) at Toys R Us on clearance. Will that do?

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Dear Sister Autumn,

I am a novice so new to the Order that I didn't realize I was supposed to come up with something witty for my signature. However, I knew I was in the right place when I found myself among others who had also realized that no mere mortal could look so fetching in surgical scrubs as does Our Lady of Rationality. In my efforts to be more investigative and skeptical, I've been lurking and touring the virtual abbey, but while doing so, I've come across a few dogmatic issues that trouble me. Can you help?

First of all, I hate to take issue with my Elders in the Order, but the subject is so important that I'm afraid I simply must speak up. Isn't there a certain degree of semi-sacrilegious implied criticism in referring to TBO as "vertically challenged"? After all, 63 inches is a sublime height, being as it is divisible by both the mystical numbers 3 and 7. Since Her perfection is manifest and undeniable, wouldn't it be more proper to say that it is the rest of us who are petiteness challenged? Or perhaps that most of us suffer from an unfortunate surplus of stature? Is not Scully the measure of all things?

Secondly, I must confess that I was frightened away from the OBSSE mailing list. I have the majority of the episodes on tape, and am therefore well acquainted with the Canon. But for the life of me, I can't recall any episodes which feature trout and/or penguins. What's up with that? I don't remember seeing glossolalia or sacramental hallucinogens listed anywhere in the precepts of the Order. Did I miss something? Or are these perhaps references to Kabalistic secrets that have been revealed only to more advanced devotees of She Whose Eyes Turn Philes of All Genders and Orientations into Puddles of Adoring Jelly?

I would appreciate any guidance you could give me and novitiates like myself on these troubling matters.

Oh yes, looking over your other correspondence, it seems some fawning is in order before I close my letter. Uh, let's see. Your hagiographic erudition is superlative and peerless! Your intellect flits across the starry firmament of the heavens as nimbly as an inertialess Air Force pseudo-saucer! The brilliance of your insights smites like the glare of an angry oilien! Is that sufficient?

Your Sibling in She Who Makes a Trenchcoat Look Yummier Than Anything In the Fredericks of Hollywood Catalogue,

Brother Bryan (clever sig pending)

Dear Bryan,

First, kudos on the suck up. I don't think I've ever seen it done in such a Thesaurus-centric manner.

As to your questions, I have thought a great deal about them. The first in particular. While I am sure you would never outright accuse your Elders of being sacrilegious, as a woman who is definitely "petiteness challenged" herself, your idea does have some merit. However, I believe even Our Lady of the Three Inch Heels would recognize that she could have been more blessed in the height department. It is only because she tries to make up for this perceived deficiency herself in her choice of footwear that we recognize it as well. After all, we do try to follow in her footsteps no matter how many sprained ankles it takes.

Now for the mailing list. We long ago found that were we to stick strictly to "canon" things would get very dull around the Abbey. Especially during weeks like when "Travelers" aired. So we've learned to amuse ourselves. And like I always say, if it amuses me and does not harm children or small animals, where's the crime? Pity you did not stick around. I'm sure you would have become well acquainted with my trout.

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Dear Omniscient Sister Autumn,

I need guidance. Ever since the Season Premiere Party in Minnesota last November, my appreciation for the show has ... dimmed. Somehow, not being able to watch TXF with the proper entourage and slushy drinks makes it all so ... dull. And they keep taunting me, that MN crew, organizing a get-together *every week* that TBO brings her presence to the screen. The other day, I thought it was a relapse of PFD (Post Fest Depression), but I couldn't book an appointment with Dr. K as she's away for spring break. What's a Sister to do?

Sister Gen

My Dear Sweet Gen,

The way I see it,  you have three options to tide you over until FEST: 1) You start drinking alone and talking to yourself when the show airs. 2) You spend your savings traveling to the coldest placed in the continental U.S. for every new episode, and then drink frozen things when you get there. 3) You start recruiting fellow Scullyists in Montreal. Surely in a city that size you can't be the only one? You of all folks should be able to find your people. Perhaps you could use the paper to post ads to help? I guarantee you'll get a response with this one in an alternative paper: "WF with cute accent seeks same for friendship, drinking, and X-video watching - maybe more!"

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Dear Sister Autumn, whose Demureness is rivaled only by her Access to Secret Things at 1013,

I have a problem, Sister Autumn. I am shy and tongue-tied.

There are things I have that can recommend me to members of OBSSE: I have copper red hair, I am shorter than 5'4", I wear heels to work, I do not prance (eight years of ballet helps me to glide), my haircut is slightly reminiscent of Her Pantsuitedness (although my hairdressing "skills" make me somewhat wrong- haired when I get up to do it at 4:00 AM - by definition then, I remain wrong- haired all day), I work in the medical profession, I teach students for a living, my daddy was an officer in the Navy, I have been in law enforcement, and (modestly) I hit what I aim at, and I am now, like our St. Scully in earthly years, 35.

I am a new member of OBSSE. I am on the mailing list. I go to Friday night chat, and I switched over to the instant rather than digest format to avoid being a sorry wuss...but I'm too terrified to post.

How can I be as witty and clever as my sistren and brethren, who know each other so well? Do you think, oh Demure One, that I am being punished for my besetting sin of gazing open-jawed and misty-eyed at the Punkly Incarnation? (I even married a man named David.) Of course, as soon as the PI opens his mouth, I start to wonder why I bother, but that's another issue.

I humbly bow my head, wait for soothing words of wisdom, and shrink from any trouts that might come my way.

Sister Benhur the Tongue-Tied

Sister Benhur,

Soothing words of wisdom. Hmmmm, I think you've come to the wrong place, but I'll try. Yes, dear, your qualifications are admirable; however, if you never pipe up, how are we to know? Truth be told, the long-timers on the mailing list do know each other pretty well mostly because we speak out often and many of us have met at FEST or other such OBSSE local events. Your background tells me that you might have interesting things to add to episode discussions when we are nitpicking at law enforcement protocol or medical things as we like to do. As for chat, for practice, try getting on chat on one of the off nights. There are usually folks hanging about, and it is a little less daunting and easier to get to know people than the pageant and hubbub of the Friday night spectacular. Still, you aren't the only lurker. I sometimes feel like there are about 30 of us speaking very loudly in a room while 450 people hide in the corner taking their little notes.

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Sister Autumn, oh kind, intellectual one, who holds the answers to the questions sought by men and women through the generations,

I am a mere 16, and not even a sister. My mother thinks that a trip to Colorado simply to honor the person who is Scully, is, you might need to sit down, ludicrous. I have argued and argued, but she says even attempting to join the OBSSE would cause her to take away my online access! So I simply come, look, and bask in all that *is* OBSSE, and mostly worship TBO from so afar that I am not even able to try to enter the Order. It plagues me much, and now that my story is through, my question: When "The X- Files" is off the air (though I pray for this not to happen, I know that the end must be near) will the Sisterhood continue once I have moved out of my parents house?

In sheer reverence,

Young Not Sister Lesley,

Well, on the plus side, you are too young to come to Fest anyway so there is no reason for you to fret about it. While your mother may not understand that the OBSSE is actually (don't tell anyone) a highly elaborate joke that adults partake in just because they find each other clever and enjoy The X- Files, it is important that you do what she asks. Yes, The X-Files will end. Next May, by my calculations, except for sporadic appearances of Movie!Scully. However, the OBSSE will live forever in the hearts of its members as long as The Blessed One graces a screen somewhere. And that will be a very, very long time. And long after you have left your parents home, so no need to start packing now.

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Oh She Who Verily Deserved Her Break From Administering The Mailing List (but whose pinkie finger administers better than the rest of the elders put together),

(Editor's Note: Note to self: Remember to short sheet Sister SpicedRum's bed at Fest.)

A few months ago, you assured me that it was acceptable to read fanfic that includes hot punky love. I have since branched out. I don't know if you're aware of it, (Wait! Of course you're aware of it; you know EVERYTHING!) certain members of the Abbey, who shall remain nameless, have on occasion dabbled in what people term "slashfic."

Now, these certain members would sit in chat and tell the rest of us things like "slash is of the good" and "look at my breasts!" (oopsie, wrong topic!) Or they would lament onlist, "Mulder won't be gay for me!"

I became curious. Taking it as my duty to keep an open mind regarding all things X, I of course read the stories by... we'll call her "The SpangleStrumpet." I found The SpangleStrumpet's stories very *interesting*, to say the least, and thus I moved on to others...

Now I seem to have made it my personal mission to find sick stories like CSM/Skinner or Spender/Bill Jr. fics and send them along to frighten my friends. I don't read them myself!! (Well, okay, I will confess that I may have *peeked* at the Spuddy/Billy one, but NEVER NEVER will I read CSM slash. That's just plain icky!)

But wait, Demure One, there is more... I also have begun to *write* naughty stories. Not slashy ones (yet), but ones with Scully doing things in her bathtub. Naughty things. Things good Catholic girls have no business doing (or writing about).

And worst of all, I made it so Krycheck (I think that is how his name is spelled, it's the character that Nick Lee guy plays.) was watching her the whole time!

Is there any hope for me???

Confusedly yours in Saint Scully,
name and address withheld upon request

Dear Sister SpicedRum (oopsie!),


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Dear Autumn, whose name and holy likeness appear in my Random House College Dictionary under "demure,"

I must first confess a sin; I have another hobby aside from the adoration of TBO and all things Scully. I dance. Specifically, I tap dance. And while the cast of Stomp has nothing to fear from me, and I'm not likely to be touring with Riverdance anytime soon, I am good at it and can do a triple time step and a flying pullback with the best of them.

In the middle of last week's lesson, however, I had a horrifying thought. It kept me up for several nights before I realized the only thing to do was to approach you on bended knee for your official comment.

Does my involvement in tapping mean that I am (gasp) PRANCY?

Wait! Before you pass judgment, please allow me to add two things in my defense:

1. While I prefer my flats, I can and do tap just as well in shoes with 2 and a half inch heels.

2. Shoes with a quarter-inch-thick wedge of solid stainless steel on the heels and toes can come in handy in administering effective Kung Fu kicks to suspects or insensitive partners.

Hoping that the capital D won't rhyme with P that stands for Prance,
Sister Jean

Jean, Jean the Prancing Machine,

If only you could tap in 3 inch heel, I might be allowed to let this slide. However, I have to say that the triple time step flying pullback does sound a tad on the prancy side. And I have to admit, I did always call it "Riverprance." Please don't write to me next month and tell me your hair is wrong too. I don't think I could take it.

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Dear Sister Autumn, who art but one step below The Rational One in thy infinite and glorious wisdom,

I am in desperate need of aid and succor. For many years, I was not allowed to watch "The X-Files." I couldn't convince my mother that it wasn't about porn . . . well, unless you count the punkish one's little "hobby." Finally, one Friday night, my mother was stricken with horrible stomach spasms, and it occurred to me that if I could get her in the ambulance within 15 minutes, I wouldn't even miss the opening credits. And so it was that I first encountered Our Lady of Button-Down V-Neck Sweaters. (The episode, if you are interested, was "Wetwired.")

Sadly, my viewing has continued to be somewhat sporadic because of my mother's unrelenting prejudice. I did eventually catch most of the first three seasons, and some of four and five. But I have no tapes and no merchandise, only a little file of "TV Guide" clippings.

Now I am at college, and the situation is exactly the same. The only television I have access to is my roommate's, and she believes that anyone who watches "The X-Files" is a satanist. Even worse, I have to work eight-hour shifts every Sunday night. I have considered quitting, but I know that St. Scully would never blow off her responsibilities like that. Not to mention, I work at the medical school library and therefore have access to new issues of the American Journal of Pathology before anyone else.

I yearn to join the devout in their worship of Her Monozygoticness, but since "Terms of Endearment" is the only episode I've seen this season, I sincerely doubt my worthiness. Am I too unworthy, or could I benefit from regular contact with the faithful?

Deceived, Inveigled, and Obfuscated in Bloomington,
(setting of "Postmodern Prometheus," which I STILL haven't seen. Not that I'm bitter or anything.)

DIOB Who has Never Seen The Blessed One Dance,

It's all a matter of priorities. TVs are cheap. You've got a job. What's more important - a month's beer and pizza money or watching Our Lady of the Remission Chip in all her little 13-inch Sam's Club glory? Oh and thump your little Miss Touched By Bad Acting roommate on the head for me please. What kind of backwater place do you come from where people still think the X-Files is satanic or porn?

Editor's Note: Uh...East Texas? ;)

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Dear Sister Autumn, who quite frankly would know,

As I was putting on my jammies tonight, I began to wonder - what kind of pushup bra does The Blessed One wear to bed? Does she go for the expensive, lacy Victoria's Secret models, hoping to impress nighttime visitors? Does she wear the less expensive, less decorative Hanes Her Way models for some deep spiritual reason that we who wear bras merely to fight gravity cannot understand? Or does she buy cheap lingerie at K-Mart and blow the money she saves on shoes?

I'd hate to be wearing the wrong bra to bed. Especially since it takes so long to color-coordinate them with my satin jammies.

A proper fit is crucial,
Lauren /\/\/\/\/\ |____|

Dearest Princess (I do hope you appreciate the fact I included your crown),

Were it not for your always honest and forthright nature, I might think you were trying to distract me. First, I simply *know* for a fact that we can rule out both cheap and K-Mart when it comes to Scully. I mean the woman is dressy even in casual clothes. I imagine She Whose Food is Chilled in Her Living Room has a vast array of undergarments. Not that I spend time thinking about such things. However, to solve your dilemma, and share in The Blessed One's cup, as it were, we look to her fashion sense: elegant and practical. Go with the not so lacy but still satin and you will sleep like a kitten, confident you have laid the foundation for sweet dreams.

Poll Results:
There's No Place Like Ho...uh...the Falls at Arcadia
by Sister Paula R.

Rob and Laura: SweeeeeeeetLast month we asked readers to supply a caption for the publicity photo from "Arcadia." By now most of you have seen that episode but can still understand why Sister Debbie V wrote: "Oh For Crying Out Loud, not another personality swap! His brain must be a bleepin' revolving door. Now how am I going to get to Mr. Rogers to get their minds switched back?" Read on for a few more clever captions ... and thanks to all our contributors - there were too many to include them all.

check.gif (139 bytes)Sister Lesphile:
"Chris Carter is a DEAD MAN..."

check.gif (139 bytes)Sister Janelle Eastham:
"This couple just made $400,000 by buying and selling real estate and YOU can too!"

check.gif (139 bytes)Sister Jezebel:
"This'll make one hell of an April Fool's card for Bill, won't it, Mulder?"

check.gif (139 bytes)Sister Jessica:
"Oh God, no! *This* is what would happen if the relationship went any further? The horror!"

check.gif (139 bytes)Maureen S. O'Brien:
"Why am I dreaming I'm on Scarecrow and Mrs. King?"

check.gif (139 bytes)Brother Paul Wartenberg:
"This is what happens when Scully proscribes Prozac without considering the consequences...."

check.gif (139 bytes)Sister Randi:
"Welcome to Pleasantville."

check.gif (139 bytes)Sister Dorotea:
"If he asks me, "What's for dinner?" I'm going to wrap that sweater around his neck until his head pops off!"

check.gif (139 bytes)Sister Lesky:
"Oddly enough, the scars of the horrendous operations involving "a little brain-snipping" went unnoticed on our two favorite fearless agents, and no questions were asked when they bought a Volvo, took up racquetball, and moved into a vinyl-sided duplex in New Jersey. (Police are still on the lookout for a van with the words "Yuppie Suburbanites Unite!")"

check.gif (139 bytes)Danielle:
"I don't think I'm going to fit in here in Stepford."

check.gif (139 bytes)Kim Ricklefs:
"Hey Scully, Should we be picking out china patterns or what?"

check.gif (139 bytes)Sister X-Lydia:
"I wonder if he knows I have scientific proof that that preppie sweater he's wearing is really an angst-sucking telepathic parasitic alien organism from the planet Benetton?"

check.gif (139 bytes)Sister Starrbuk:
"Witness The Blessed One's strength as she heroically remains upright despite the dizzying stench of Old Spice."

"There Once was an FBI Agent from Nantucket..."
by Sister Paula R.

A few weeks ago, in the spirit of St. Patrick's Day, we began writing Scullycentric limericks on the OBSSE mailing list, and "Hoo-boy!" what fun we've had! (In fact, a certain OBSSE elder was so taken with this idea that she began to write limericks willy nilly, and while we won't quote her here, her efforts at rhyming "Mulder" were .... well... sad.) Anyway, we thought we'd see what other, wonderful creations we might generate by turning this into an OBSSE poll. So, put your thinking caps on (or take them off, whatever floats your boat), and give it a whirl! Unfortunately, they're addictive. ;)

Your Name: 



Your E-Mail: 

Are you an OBSSE Member? Yes No

My Scullycentric limerick is this:

Fan Fic Picks!

I'm featuring all new authors to this column this month. One has been around quite a while, and the others have come onto the fanfic scene recently with wonderful efforts. That's the beauty of fanfic; new folks come along and surprise you all the time. Now you people get to work on writing me a good, long, Scullycentric casefile! I'm having withdrawal. Remember, if you've got recommendations, please email them to me at

Deb Prewitt
Deb's been one of those names in fanfic that you can trust for years. I've enjoyed her writing for quite some time, but it is her latest story, "On the Wings of Destiny," that I've chosen to feature. There are a lot of stories out there that center on Mulder putting together clues to find a kidnapped Scully, but very few that turn that scenario around successfully. This is one of those stories. All Deb's fanfic can be found at this website.

Heavenly Creature
How in the world could I resist a story that tells us at the start, "Dana Scully was chocolate cake?" For a humorous look at someone who has it bad for The Blessed One, check out, "Chocolate Cake". All of Heavenly's fanfic, including the intriguing work in progress, "Loving Scully," can be found at this website.

haphazard method
"Reading Between the Lines" is the first story from this author, and it is a delightful little slice of life about the simple joy of reading. Guaranteed to give you a warm feeling as you read about Mulder and Scully and a trip to the bookstore.

Allison J.
Last, but certainly not least, one of our favorite sisters known around the Abbey as Sister Squat suddenly caught the fanfic bug in a big way, and I couldn't be more excited. Her first piece, "Quietus," while being a more Muldercentric tale, nails the Scully characterization cold. She's got several shorter pieces including the oh-so-creepy, "Mack the Knife," and a portrait of a grieving Scully in, "Separate Ways." Squat keeps telling me she's working on a long Scully piece I'm gonna like. Ahem. I'm waiting... All her fanfic can be found at this website .

Member Musings
by Sister Lens-of-Science

This month inaugurates a new, hopefully regular segment of "Member Musings." I hope to be able to showcase a testimonial from one or two of our Brethren or Sistren each month, bearing witness to the Glory that is Her Blessed Pantsuitedness. Can I get a "alleluia," Brothers and Sisters? Hmm. I didn't think so. Perhaps an "amen"? Ok. How about a teensy little "hoo boy"?

That's much better. Now sit right back, and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful ship- ... er, conversion. Yeah. That's it. Or something.

If, in reading these words, you feel called, er, Called, that is, to bear witness yourself, send your testimony to Sister Lens-of-Science. Saint Scully would want you to. But only after you finish that monograph, of course.

glcr.gif (2375 bytes)The Testimony of Sister Comrade:

"O Sistren and Brethren, hearken unto me as I relate a wondrous tale of Light, Luminosity, Leinenkugel's, and A Little Lady Named Scully.

Yea, it was in the darkest of Spring semesters, when an urgent cry was heard across the land: "I need a copy of Anasazi and The Blessing Way!" Verily, this cry DID come from a good friend of mine who shall remain anonymous, except her name is Eleanor and she recently published an article on the XFiles, who did NEED me to dupe some tapes for her article, so YEA was this only the second time I had seen an XFile, thinking myself wrongly too cool to watch it.

And it happened. Like a bolt from the blue, after gawking at DD for a moment or two, entered into my life the visage and deportment of the Sainted One. It was a subtle transformation, this Enlightenment. I mean, come on, my first reaction was WOW, he's cute! followed by intrigue on my part. Then I watched another episode.. and then-- THEN, I watched Memento Mori.

Yea, were tears verily shed that night, as I watched a good Woman dealt an Ill Hand by Fate (and quite possible a cigarette smoking bastard whose neck should be ventilated, VERILY!) play that hand out in a wonderful, luminous, achingly beautiful manner. I didn't care about Mulder. I didn't care about the plot holes or inconsistencies. When the Sainted One merely stood quietly and looked at her XRay, or tearfully gazed at Mulder in defiance as well as sadness, I felt a blindingly hot light and a dizziness set in, and YEA, was Sister Comrade born! (For the record, the Light was kinda fuzzy and sparkling and seemed to be in the shape of a cell phone-- Nokia 918, I think.)

I have been a faithful convert in these months, full of wonder and joy at the happiness the Great Red Haired One has brought me. Why, my gout cleared up! There was a case of levitation next door! My hamster revived (okay, well, not quite. The cats were playing with it...)! In any case, I am happy to have been Enlightened and EnScullied (if I may coin a phrase) and hope I may be considered worthy of inclusion into the Happy Order of the Blessed St Scully the Enigmatic"

glcr.gif (2375 bytes)The Testimony of Sister DJ:
"For years I have been devoted to TBO. Ever since the most holy bliss I felt witnessing the Red-haired Saint courageously hold her Sig to the head of an MIB (who oddly was not IB) to save the PUNK (after the PUNK's first evil ditch mind you), I have preached the glory of TBO and made a number of converts. But alas, I knew not of your most Sacred Order. I was without computer. No Holy Internet Connection.

(Author's Note: "Gasp!")

After discovering your Most Holy Web Site on a CPU owned by a more tech-up-to-date friend, being the sinner that I am (both an internet newbie and someone who shamefully devolved over the years from a six-year-old that read books on things like ethology for the fun of it and should have gone on to be a scientist into an adult doing scut work on bad independent films that are so far beneath the talents of the EI that I cringe) I have been reluctant to even entertain the thought of becoming a Sister.

(Author's Note: "discovered the site?" Are you sure you weren't "led"?)

But glory be to St. Scully. I have experienced a Divine Intervention. Recently an EX-friend of mine told me that she "identified" with that other channel 11 show about the idiot lawyer that wears godawful miniskirts and giggles, and after laughing out loud in my EX-friend's face I told her I identified with the X-Files. To which my EX-friend said, "You identify with Mulder?"

(Author's Note again: *long silence*)

To which I reacted with such pure venom that I had to be physically restrained. (Well, not really, but that's how I felt.) And then this EX-friend had the temerity a few weeks later to call me just as "How the Ghosts Stole Christmas" began (and mind you, this was the same woman who commited the same egregious sin as the Sacred Episode "All Souls" began).

(Author's Note again: *not so long silence*)

To which I screamed many a nonmovieword into the telephone and officially and emphatically made this EX-friend an EX-friend.

From thence I knew I could no longer deny my devotion. The phone call was a sign.

I went into massive debt to buy a new computer and connect to a cable internet service (56K is a tricycle compared to cable), and now I have finally summoned the courage to most humbly and longwindedly ask the RevMa and Sister Autumn of the Dreaded Trout Slap (and best damn XF reviews on the net), to allow me to join the Order."

(Author's Note: Grrr. *I* don't have a cable modem. Dammit. Not that I mind.)

by Sister Kara (aka Zod)

Karatoons: Aracadia!

That's all for this month, folks! Special thanks go, as always, to our Elder of the Newsletter Sister Paula R. for putting this issue together, Sister La..Dee..Da.. for all of her fine graphic work, and to all our writers and contributors. See you again during Season Finale Month (that's "May" for the clueless)!

"News for the OBSSEsed"/OBSSE is copyright 1997-99 by Nancy Cotton. Hugs and Kisses everyone! :-)