Scully Fever: Catch It!

I have to admit, I'm a bit reluctant to write what I'm about to write given my status as a straight, Mulder boxers/glasses admirer and *very* married woman, but I've just got to say it:

God, is that St. Scully (Gillian Anderson) beautiful or what?!

I know. I'm sounding SWILish (Straight Women in Love with Scully), but as they say, "facts is facts," and lately, those facts have been unusually undeniable for me. Forget for a moment the character's inner beauty--her intelligence, dedication, loyalty, compassion, stoicism--the lady is GORGEOUS: Drop Dead. But what amazes me more is the fact that she just keeps growing more and more physically beautiful with every episode she appears in. I thought this phenomenon had reached its climax (so to speak) with last year's "Teliko," when both The Blessed One and her partner posed positively GQ-ish, but not so. If it was possible for Ms. Anderson in her Saintly Incarnation to become even *more* beautiful this season, she has, which has inspired my husband to mutter more than once, "If there's an X-File in The X-Files, it's why Scully doesn't have every man in the FBI following her up and down the hallways."

Truer words may never have been spoken.

Chalk it up to Spring Fever if you like, (Okay, I admit it, DD's face lately has looked exceptionally soft and strokable as well....) but when *I* start noticing how blue the Sainted One's eyes have been and how nice her skin tone and hair look, well, there's something up--and it's more than good lighting.

My point? Hmm...don't think I have one. Just a statement of the obvious I guess. A little Jerry Seinfeld moment from the Reverend Ma who sometimes is dense about the most obvious of issues. Gillian Anderson is gorgeous. Just thought I'd mention it.

Oh, and just because I can find the lady objectively beautiful doesn't mean, my Festive Friends, that I would kiss her. Well...okay...maybe on the cheek. ;)

Yours in St. Scully,

Sister Nancy (no clever sig)

The time is approaching...

Well actually, it's still about three months away, but who's counting? The first ever OBSSEsed Fest is all set to rock and roll from June 18-June 21 at the Habitat Suites Hotelin Austin, Texas. If you are planning to attend this Scullyrific activity full of giveaways, gags, blooper reels, and Sister/Brother bonding (not bondage...we're saving that for the Olympics below....), register ASAP! Even if you've told the Reverend Mother that you are coming, send in your official OBSSE registration. (The RevMa is obsessive about this. Just fill out the darn form, and make her happy, 'kay?).

Registrations and the registration fee of $35 (good for a t-shirt to be designed by our very own Brother Kev, of Komix by Kev fame; Texas trinkets and other giveaways; and evening snacks to make you certainly put on those ever so endearing vacation pounds) are due by May 1. Check out the official OBSSEsed Fest 98! web site for details. If you need to cut costs, visit the OBSSEsed Fest Bulletin Board to find a roommate, share a ride, or...well...we just don't want to know.

In the immortal words of our Lady: Hoo-Boy! See ya'll in Austin soon!

Life on the List: Let the Games Begin!
OBSSEsed Fest 98 Scully-Lympics!
Compiled and narrated by Sister Paula R

If you're not on the OBSSE Mailing List, you have no idea what you're missing. I am especially honored to field journal the latest, er... activities on the list. It all started when LadyZod, post-Chinga, aptly christened the Scully-in-the-Tub display of dexterity as, "The Wet Leg Kick." Things escalated from there, as Wet Leg Kick-inspired endorphins coursed crazily through members, causing Sister Lens of Science to propose for the upcoming OBSSEsed Fest in Texas: SUMMER SCULLY-LYMPICS!, snagging her a really neat position as Grand Sistress of Ceremonies.

But before we list the incredible roster of events that poured forth via modem, causing the mind to reel, allow me to insert a very necessary Pre-Game Warm-up Activity: The "Start-'em Up, Suck Up to Sister Autumn Scullyrita Soiree" Venue: Hank Hill Hut of Detention.

Really. Must I explain this one? Not only will this social event eliminate the obvious "ain't no one happy till Sister Autumn is happy" eventuality, but credible sources hint that Sister Autumn is stocking a special dry-ice chest of Rocky Mountain Spotted Trout for the occasion. Big ones. That, and she has been spotted buffing up with handweights. I think we can *all* appreciate the gravity and necessity of this preparative activity. Loud, expansive suck-up phrases uttered liberally, such as "There Art None (Nun) Wiser Than Thee" and "Her Holy Wiser-Than-Thou Snortworthiness" will go a loooong way in ensuring your enjoyment of the Scully-lympics, as well as the *entire* Fest. Thickness of laying it on will be measured in feet, not inches, so pack your thesaurus and bring a shovel.

Rules

Knowing the all-too-wise Elders, there will be many, many, many, many, many rules. I can only think of a few mailing list-inspired possibilities that should be headed off here and now:

Sister Lens, in view of her supreme, dignified position as Grand Sistress of Ceremonies, is NOT to comfort losing contestants with such New England sympathies as, "That's uh rilly wikkid pissah." Sister Danielle Dupre' is FORBIDDEN from giving relay competitors such New England misdirections as, "Well, I'm from Dot, but if you take the Ahtery, you'll get theyah evenchally. Just watch the cabbies, they'll take out this cah fastah than you can say Hahvid Yahd." It's just not fair. (And no, you may NOT direct people to the Hank Hill Head Shop'not without me.)

All that being said, please peruse the scheduled events. And thank you to all the Sisters and Brothers who came up with these clever competitions:

1. The Small Potatoes "Pop the Cork Between the Legs But Fast" Speed Race
Winners in this category will receive a nifty Mulder-with-Wine Keychain. Top Seed: Sister Glasses of Germany, who sneakily reminded the list that she was "practicing hard with that bottle-and-cork thing. A European should be a worthy contestant for this competition." (Author's aside: Sister Glasses, upon winning, after you pry your keychain from the RevMa's hands, please be polite and pretend it hasn't been used.)

2. The 500-Meter Cell-phone Dash
Competitors must trot 500 meters through the brush, then whip a cell phone out of their trenchcoat. Winner is the first competitor to get out, "Mulder, it's me."

3. The Airport Program
Similar to the gymnastics floor program, competitors will have three minutes to display grace and athletic ability while racing down a slippery marble hall in full business casual, towing a fully packed rollaboard. Judges will rate this event based on level of difficulty and form (e.g., heel height, are you wearing a skirt? and how many people did you take out lunging through the metal detector while trying to make the flight?).

4. The Hair Event
(While this is only a demonstration event this year, we have hopes of it becoming a full part of future Summer Games). Competitors must duplicate one of the many changing hairstyles of Scully. Points for extra difficulty will be given to any competitor attempting to duplicate the "I-own-three-curling-irons-and-I'm-not-afraid-to-use-them" 'do of Season 2.
(Author's aside: the competition is fierce in this category. However, it's only fair to point out that the RevMa, living in Texas, knows a thing or two about big hair. Rumor has it she has borrowed jumbo rollers from her big-haired neighbor and is practicing as we speak to place with Season 2 Horizontal Hair-Wings.)

5. The Ice!Scully Take 'em Out Pissed-off Head Tackle
Winner may take home a specimen jar to hurl at someone especially annoying in their life.

6. How About a Round of Scarf 'n Snort?
Contestants are placed in front of a monitor in a professional setting and challenged to keep a business-like demeanor while eating, as Sister Autumn reads from her infamous, "Random Musings." Spraying ungodly matter upon keyboards and monitors is automatic disqualification.

7. Walking the Dog
Contestants must take their little yappy mutt out to "do his business" without dropping the leash or having him eaten by a large reptile.

8. The Spotnitz Memorial Marathon
Contestants must spend a week in professional work attire without once wearing any variation on the color beige.

9. Get-A-Date Dash
Contestants must be able to meet an intelligent, witty, sexy man and have a lovely evening out, complete with dinner and an enjoyable movie, and then proceed home where they have great sex. (This is an especially challenging event for Scullyists. Competition will no doubt be stiff.)

10. The Scully Mantra
Contestants must be able to say "I'm fine" and actually have someone believe them.

11. The SRE Contest
The Referee throws out a fictitious X-file, such as, "Scully, what do you think of beeeeezzzz invading a green, glowing corpse with radioactive properties? Occurred in Texas, Greenland, and New South Wales." Slides are optional. Contestant then rapidly gives the best SRE she/he can think of, and it's judged by a panel of X-files experts (RevMa and Autumn, o'course, and me, cause I thought of it). Best SRE gets a gold medal or a bloody nose, whichever they prefer.

12. Home Alone Phone Toss
Try to get your big clunky white phone to hit the center of the Bullseye adorned by Yappi's (or alternately the PUNK's) face.

13. The Jersey Devil Tumble
(Still maybe my all time favorite Scully stunt.) That land, roll, and draw your gun move in heels is a thing of beauty. You will be judged on technique and artistic interpretation.

14. The Scavenger Hunt
Contestants will scour the hotel searching for a snow globe, a can of sardines, and 2 lemons.

15. Firestarter
Contestants race to see who can open their bullet first to start a survival fire in soggy twigs. First to get a neat little explosion, but no flames, wins.

16. Knock 'em Down Nurses
Participants are locked in a small, glass-walled room with five nurses. The first to knock 'em all down (Roundhouse kicks to the head. Heels only!) wins a free shoe shin for their heels, after scuffing them on those toomuchmakeup nurses.

17. The SRE Spree
Contestants will be given a Random Mulder Theory. This will be done in spelling-beeeeeee format. The theories will ascend in difficulty level as they proceed. The last person left, able to spout a coherent, scientifically based SRE in under 15 seconds, wins.

18. Supermarket Sweep!
Contestants will be placed in a supermarket with Duane Barry's abdominal implant (for lack of a better word). Their goal: Find a way to distract the cashier, get the thing scanned, and get out without getting arrested for destroying the machine. First contestant to do so is the champ.

19. The Raise Your-Right-Eyebrow-Up-To-Your-Hairline-Contest
Winners will receive a full bottle of muscle tonic to relieve the hurt, to be used favorably in a hot bubble bath. To be politically correct, there will also be offered a Raise-Your-Left-Eyebrow-contest. All contestants will receive an honorary mention in the July newsletter.

20. The Cuff-Some-Guy-To-The-Bathtub-Tap-Race
Will require some of the esteemed Brothers to squeeze through small holes, while contestants wait opposite the wall in a line, to start for the respective Brother as soon as he has aggressively crossed the fictitious bathroom door-line. Not recommended: training at the Habitat Suites.

21. The Best Attempt To Hide A 357-Magnum-sized Holster,
Including 3.5-kilo-Weapon, Underneath Form-fitted Suit Jacket
First, second, and third place winners will be awarded a visit to Austin's most infamous needle-person for repairs.

And there you have it: the 1998 OBSSEsed-Fest Summer SCULLY-LYMPICS. Come to Austin with your running shoes, pack plenty of beige (weapons optional), and don't forget the shovel. As the RevMa told us, "Be careful what you wish for."

Poll Results:
All They Ever Think About...

Ask the Sisters and Brothers to tell us what the *perfect* date for St. Scully would consist of, and the hormones take control. Sex. Sex. Sex. That's all the Brethren and Sistren seem to think about. Seeing that the Blessed One never gets any, her dutiful followers apparently feel the need to make up for this cruel fate in droves (Especially with Det. Kresge of "Christmas Carol" fame...What's up with that???). Bear this in mind as you read the responses we got from last month's OBSSE poll, which asked, "What would be the perfect date for our Saint?" Oh well, given her track record with relatives and pets, I guess the girl has *got* to work fast....

From Sister Michele:
"I'd like to see a replay of the Small Potatoes scene...although of course there would be no imposters involved...just Mulder and Saint Scully, sipping wine, chatting upon what's on her mind...and I'm sure it could [wicked grin] progress from there...."

From Sister Clare:
"...I have a soft spot for the charming Dr. Vitalliano of the Paleoclimatology Lab, who examined the ice core samples (Gethsemane, Redux). He, like The Blessed One, is a scientist. He's Catholic (with a name like Vitalliano, what else would be he be?) And if memory serves, he is below average in height, all of which make it more likely that he and St. Scully will see eye-to-eye. Their date: Sunday brunch at Mrs. Scully's followed by bowling."

From Sister Julia:
"Picture this...the cell phone is turned off...3 Dog Night playing softly on the stereo...St. Scully in a v-neck sweater is getting a foot massage from Kresge....Heaven!!!"

From Sister Kris:
"She would first meet her date while on a case, and he would be so enchanted by her beauty, that he feels he must ask her out. She is reluctant at first, but after the PUNK ditchers her to chase some UFO, she agrees. On their date, Jay (as his name would be), would bring her a dozen long-stem roses. They would go out for a moonlit dinner. He tells her how incredibly talented and wonderful she is and says that *he* is a doctor as well--A very, very rich doctor. He has his own Leer jet, in fact, and asks her to go to Paris with him. After trying to call Mulder (and him not being there, of course), she agrees. Then, while flying in the plane, they have hot, wild sex. She never goes back to work with Mulder again, and instead lives with Jay in Paris where her talents are appreciated. Fin."

From Sister Rokken Robin, Metal Priestess:
"Nice, long bubble bath listening to CD of choice...dress up in something alluring, yet tasteful and comfortable...leave the cell phone home...go out on the town (nice intimate restaurant with good food, wine, etc.), then off to the observatory for the stunning panoramic view and the intellectual/scientific inspiration. After all, The Blessed One would certainly have chosen a date capable of intellectual conversation now! As for Hot Sex...why not, but only if The Blessed One, in her infinite wisdom and justifiable horniness, consents enthusiastically."

From Sister Tammy:
"I think it would have to start out with drinks and some good food at a pub, play some pool, have more drinks, maybe go to a club, some wild dancing, and then just maybe go back to her place for a night cap and some hot sex! I think Dana is definitely a wild one at heart. Uptight girls don't drive Mustang convertibles or wear tight jeans and a t-shirt!!! :~)

From Sister Danielle D.:
"Jonathon Kresge arrives in DC for some sort of police conference and asks The Blessed One to accompany him to dinner. Scully accepts, and they go to a dimly-lit pub with great food and discuss the latest White House sex scandal, sexisms in Hollywood, the importance of a detailed autopsy in procuring a conviction, and amusing childhood anecdotes. Kresge is charmed, obviously, by Scully. But more importantly, Kresge makes her *laugh*, and she positively lights up. After a shared brownie sundae, Kresge leans in and gives her the most amazing kiss. With a belly sore from laughing and a hoarse voice from long, animated conversation, Scully invites Kresge in for, erm, a drink."

From Sister Lynn:
"I would give the Sainted One a month in a cabin in the snow overlooking an ocean. It would be their first anniversary. The Sainted One's man would set a candlelight dinner in front of a fireplace while it's snowing outside heavily. Talking for a few hours after the wonderful dinner, they would then sit in front of the fire and have earth shaking sex for a while. He would wake The Blessed One to strawberries and cream with a glass of fine French bubbly. They would spend the day in each other's arms. After the snow lets up, they would walk along the beach for hours just enjoying each other's company. And he would thank the heavens above for giving him such a wonderful, sweet, smart, loving woman as The Sainted One."

From Sister loa:
"Scully goes back to Charles and Tara's house to visit her little nephew. She meets up with Det. Kresge (who has fully recovered), and he asks her out. They go to Marine World Africa USA and have a picnic lunch followed by window-shopping and dinner at a little seafood place. Then he shows her how good the ocean looks from a hill in the dark. They do a lot of necking then sit and watch the stars. He walks her home at 3 a.m. and makes her promise that she will go out with him the next day. Best thing is---Shamu ate her cell phone."

OBSSE Poll:
Hey! Hey! I'm a Believer

St. Scully a believer? Well, if we're to "believe" the last few episodes of XF, then maybe so. It appears that our Lady of Skepticism is a tad less so these days, at least where extraterrestrials are concerned. And if this is a trend, what, pray tell, will be the next kooky belief The Blessed One buys into? A belief that Mulder won't ditch her? A belief a single woman in her 30s is ever going to find a good man? What? What? So for this months' OBSSE poll, we ask our dear Sistren and Brethren to tell us what the next "wild eyed" theory St. Scully will spout. The more outrageous the better. And thanks to my good friend but NOT OBSSE member Jennifer for coming up with this month's poll. No pressure about joining the Order, Jen. No, none at all.

You Know You're A Scullyist When...
Compiled by Sister Boris

Those darn kids on the OBSSE mailing list. Always thinking of something to wile away the hours between new episodes of XF. Recent weeks have been no exception. So, for our amusement (that *is* why we do this ya know), we present to you another gem from the OBSSE list: YKYASW; other wise known as: You Know You're a Scullyist When....If you aren't sure, then listen up! ( By the way, this is only a *sampling* of the entire YKYASW list. Thanks to all the Sisters and Brothers who contributed.)

You Know You're a Scullyist When...

Your husband pronounces you "hotter than" Scully and your immediate, indignant response is, "I am NOT!"

Whenever you get hurt/hit/fall down/suffer from an illness, when anyone asks how you are, you automatically reply, "I'm FINE!"

For some strange reason, you never watch Zero Sum, Unusual Suspects, or 3.

You can't find a pantsuit like Scully's blue one from GITM or 2Shy anywhere, so you make your own.

The only pictures you have of the Punk on the computer are where he is sick /injured/in jail (Demons, Beyond the Sea...)

You try to convince your dad to get you a Pomeranian just so you can call it Queequeg.

You know every chapter title from "Moby Dick" by heart.

You have lost weight recently.

Your pajamas are medical scrubs.

You peruse the TV guide listings for GA interviews.

When you find none, you check again a few days later thinking you might have missed something.

You have somehow found a way to use "Lots and LOTS of files" at work, school, or home.

Your friend complains that she's only 5'2 and you think "wow, one more inch and you'd be as tall as TBO (The Blessed One).

You feel ashamed when your school rejects some poor kid named "Gillian Anderson" for admission, even though you KNOW it's not the same person.

In order to reset the picture on your TV (tint, color, brightness, etc.) you find a really good shot of Scully (preferably in daylight, which can be difficult) and adjust it until her hair is just the shade you prefer. (a little too red, if you know what I mean...).

You thoughtfully show your out-of-town guests who don't get FOX (!!!) a special viewing of "Anasazi" and "Blessing Way"-- when one of them says something know-it-all and negative about TBO, you unkindly think "*#@* YOU! Just for that - NO "Paperclip...!"

You are convinced that trench coats are popular in Australia only because Scully wears them.

You actually skate better when you're coach goes, "Would Scully slouch like that in the Axel? Imagine her doing this jump with her heels on, she wouldn't stick her leg out like that!"

You name your laptop Queequeg.

You teach your nephew at age 2 to answer "who is better, Mulder or Scully?" correctly.

You compulsively mutter "someone give that woman another prize" almost everytime you watch Gillian act.

You pose yelling "Mulder!" in the Vancouver quarry used for "Anasazi".

You think the RevMa in the trunk of a car would be a great photo op.

You've gotten to the point where you can barely stand to watch Mulder get his precious fax in "Nisei".

You believe next to a gun, small bathroom scissors are a girl's best form of defense.

Sometimes you get sympathy pains in your left temple.

You are mad every single time you see the door to Mulder's office with his name on it.

You actually spend a lot of time wracking your brain trying to think up something even more clever than "Her Pantsuitedness" to describe The Blessed One.

The incessantly slow vehicle in front of you is irrevocably impeding your progress to work you find yourself shouting, "Move out of the way!! Do it!! Do it, NOW!!"

Crossing your arms and arching your eyebrow are the only comfortable ways to stand while listening to your punkish boss or any authority figure for that matter.

You and Sister Jenna meet with your respective sons and beam with pride at their every mention of "Scully." Said feeling of pride is in no way lessened by the fact that you and Jenna have been holding the kids in front of a picture of TBO that's hanging on the wall for about the past ten minutes or so.

You're in the doctor's office having moles removed, and your first thoughts regarding any discomfort you may be experiencing are immediately replaced by thoughts of, "Hey, if you think *you're* hurting, think about what Scully's been through this past year."

For some reason you start wearing your fluffy white bathrobe more and more often.

You find yourself throwing 'plausible' into everyday conversations.

You know more about the FBI than your tour guide.

You plant green slime in your air vent on a timer to fall on your hand *just* as you begin to open your bubble bath.

You have a compact with a mirror and stand around Miami airport, bribing people to spy on you so you can look at them in it and outwit them.

Whenever you phone a cellular number, you never fail to say 'Mulder, it's me. Where are you?' when it's answered.

You *just happen* to have irregular nosebleeds.

At a business meeting, you burst into a fit of giggles, spraying the water you were drinking over everyone, not least the important guest, because they introduced 'Our CSM' Well how were you to know they meant customer services manager?

You become so paranoid that any guy who passes in a van and remotely glances at you is immediately categorized as a 'crew-cut man'.

You are already incredibly excited about coming to the OBSSE Fest.

You spend all your free time participating in an imaginary Order celebrating Scully and you wouldn't change it for the world!

by Sister Autumn T.

Greetings friends! I hope you all aren't feeling as bloated as I am from all that yummy birthday cake. If only we could get St. Scully to eat a little more of it as well. Well, hopefully she went home after the party and ate ice cream right out of the bucket. Anyway, enough about birthdays, let's talk about me. I had an unfortunate mail box incident last month that caused many of your letters to me to be deleted. Now I fret thinking there are poor Brothers and Sisters out there just agonizing over some really big problem like exactly which shade of beige is the best for summer suits, why fishmongers aren't good enough to appear on TV, whether or not one should always twirl in the air before kicking a porno nurse in the head, or what brand of bubble bath will make your legs look that lovely. So, if you don't see your letter here, write me again at Ask Sister Autumn. I'll help you with problems you should be scared to ask other people.

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Dear Sister Autumn:

I am considering getting a tattoo to celebrate my 30th birthday, and I was wondering what the general consensus was on the "saintliness" of it. I try to emulate all of the admirable characteristics of The Blessed One (TBO), you know molding myself in Her image (I am not worthy). I realize she has/had one, but did she get it removed after the unfortunate ergot poisoning, or did they just fix it up somehow? I am considering many designs, including the one TBO got in "Never Again." Do you with all of your amazing powers know where there is a picture of it?

Sister Reade the as yet uninked
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Sister Reade (and apparently willing):

St. Scully certainly does still have her tattoo hidden underneath those tailored suits. The problem is no one ever gets to see it (though I do wonder if Mulder got a little shadowed glimpse when he was lurking about her bedroom in "Redux"). As for the "saintliness" of a tattoo, well, I think that is best left up to the individual. While I myself try to emulate The Blessed One in many ways, I do believe we will see the Very Special Episode of The X-Files in which Mulder tearfully and sincerely admits he has too often treated Scully like his own personal little (and he would use the word "little" - the PUNK) lab assistant before I get a battleship inked on my butt. However, that's just me.

Oh, and the scary thing is I know just where to find a picture of her tattoo on the web without even taxing my amazing powers. Just click HERE.

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Dear Sister Autumn, whose wimple this heretic is not fit to launder:

Recently I've been dealing with a crisis of faith - I feel like I'm starting to become tired of The X-Files. Oh, to be sure, I'm still there every Sunday at 9 (and every night there's an XF episode on FX I haven't yet seen/recorded), but it feels more like routine than the genuine devotion it once was. Taking its place is, *gasp*, another TV series (Babylon 5). It's not serious (yet), though I started recording and archiving B5 episodes last week. The two moments that told me it was time to seek help from you were last week. First, I was out of blank tapes, and a B5 ep was about to come on, and I actually thought to myself, "Well, I don't really need this tape with 'Soft Light' and 'DPO' on it..." The second incident was when I found myself...well...wandering in my devotion to Our Saint. You see, there's this other character.. Cmdr. Susan Ivanova. Maybe I just love B5 because she's a bit like Scully (a woman in a traditionally all-male field, takes no crap from anyone, has a devilish wit, etc.), but after one B5 episode, I found myself thinking, "Why can't Scully be that bleeping sarcastic when Mulder does something dumb?" After comparing The Blessed One to another (unfavorably), I knew it was time to seek help. Am I too late? Is there any hope? Help!

I'd better stay anonymous, so just sign me,
"I am not broccoli."
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Brother COLIN! Uh - I mean - Mr. Deep Vegetable:

Something tells me you only wrote this letter because you WANT a spanking. If you want to waste an X-Files episode for crying out loud, at least tape over "Zero Sum" or some episode in which you can absolutely glean NO wisdom from She Who Hates Light Cream Cheese. I have to say I am sorely disappointed in you and your fickle manner. I am only going to assume you wrote this letter before the enlightenment to be found lately by Her Tight-Tshirtedness and her high kicking ways. As for the sarcasm, I certainly hope that "Bad Blood" helped restore your faith and that you turn away from the dark side lest I send you to the Abbey basement to ponder. I don't want to hear anything more about this Pvt. Svetlana woman, and you will watch "War of the Coprophages", "Never Again", and "Bad Blood" AGAIN until you see and understand completely the error of your green vegetative ways.

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Dear Sister Autumn,

I am not a member of the OBSSE, but I am a Scullyist at heart. I have visited your site many times and found it inspirational and educational. Recently, I have had a strange experience. Whenever I visit the site, my browser freezes. I can move within the site but not go elsewhere. How should I interpret this? Is it a sign from The Blessed One that I should quit procrastinating and submit my application for membership? Or should I assume there's a SRE and call tech support?

Not-Sister Katie M
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Dear Why-The-Hell-Not-Sister Katie M:

I am constantly amazed that some people still need a direct sign such as this that their application is way, way past due when all the portents are so obviously there. Must St. Scully Kung Fu slap you in the head before you realize the truth? Trust your inner psychic Scully. You know what to do. Or you could always upgrade your browser, but we are a lot more fun.

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Dear Sister Autumn:

Tragically, I have stumbled from the Path of Scully into another spiritual crisis. (Yes, *again*.). It's like this: I have long prayed to the holy city of Vancouver, Center of All That Is Scully, Mecca of X-Files. This troubling talk of a move to Southern California is shaking my faith, however.

It isn't what you think - I don't really have any opinion about Vancouver, really, its only that I'm from Boston, and, well... I simply *cannot* worship Los Angeles. It's like a Hub zoning law or something. Really, Sister, Los Angelenos wear spandex, I hear, and eat tofutti, and can't read Latin, and I don't really think *anyone* out there would last 20 seconds on the Mass Pike, do you?

Desperately hoping for a resolution, I remain Yours in Scully,
Sister Lens-of-Science
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My Dear Sister Lens:

You are right about the Mass Pike thing. It is a scary, scary place. As for your location concerns, I don't think that a move to LA would necessarily turn the show into the SpandeX-Files (though when you think about it, I wouldn't mind seeing Scully or Mulder attired in that material were it, of course, appropriately colored). Plus, can you see Our Gal eating tofutti out of the carton? I can't - I mean that is definitely not REAL food, and we know how she feels about that now don't we? What I'm trying to say is that while the location may change, the show should not. I don't think Our Saint would mind if you continued to worship the place that hosted her real life incarnation and was the backdrop for those adventures for the majority of the show's run. However, there is one distinct advantage to an LA move for those prone to attempting a pilgrimage (besides the fact that it will likely keep both leads with the show): Finding filming will be a whole heck of a lot easier. Remember, it is not stalking for location shooting, it is willfully participating in a campaign of finding.

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Oh Right Honorable and Sage Sister Autumn:

My soul is in turmoil this week, as with all the Olympic action going on in Nagano, I have lost my focus on our Blessed One. Yes, I have taped and watched Chinga and Kill Switch and read everything on the mailing list, BUT I have to confess that I did not (and will not for a while -until the Games are over!) rewatch those Scullycentric eps. Also, I'm planning to get up at 4 a.m. tomorrow to watch the ladies' hockey final live. Unfortunately, I know in my sinful heart that I would *never* get up that early to watch Her Pantsuitedness in action. Will I ever be forgiven ? Is there any hope for a wretch like me ?

Awaiting your words of wisdom,
Sister Gen
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Sister Gen:

You would *never* get up at 4 a.m. to watch St. Scully? Even if it were a brand new Action!Scully episode airing only one time at 4 a.m.? Heck, Sister Glasses sometimes gets up at like 4 a.m. in Germany just to join us on chat, and you could not be bothered for this sort of thing? I've got to say I am a little disappointed in you. First, the lack of proper tape study and then hockey (*HOCKEY*???) over The Blessed One? Personally I don't think it is a coincidence that "puck" and "punk" are almost identically spelled. Think about that. I think the only true way to repent is to set your alarm and get up at 4 a.m. sometime to watch your tapes. Feel lucky I'm letting you pick which ones and not suggesting you wake at that hour to watch a "Space"/"Teso"/ "Fearful Symmetry" Triple Header!

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Dearest Sister Autumn:

I am new to this Blessed Order. A low ranking believer in my class is frequently telling me that extraterrestrials exist. I oh-so-humbly ignore him, but unfortunately, I must sit beside him in class. I have given him many explanations, but the poor boy is on the dark path of being a Mulderist. He does not listen to me and follow the path of Scully's scientific explanations. He asks and asks, and I need your help, for I'm in lack of new SREs.

I pray very hard to receive your advice.

From one of your new followers,
(sister) Spice
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Sister Spice:

You may be in a bit of trouble here. First, there is almost no convincing a Mulderist set in his ways. St. Scully, in all her infinite patience and wisdom, has been up against the root of all Mulderists for five years now, and look how far it has gotten her. Plus, if you've been paying attention, it is quite possible that she herself does believe in some extraterrestrial life. She did acknowledge Purity Control early on and managed to not choke before Congress when discussing the rock and its extraterrestrial origins in "Tunguska"/"Terma." She just thinks extraterrestrial life has better things to do than treat Earth as its big alien Club Med. Also, just between you, me, and the wall, I think that Dr. Anti-Darwinian may possibly not have all the facts gathered yet about this whole phenomena, and that she just might change her mind, say around June 19th. Until then, if you want some good Denial!Scully, I suggest you peruse "731" or "Gethsemane."

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Dear Sister Autumn, Thou Who Doth Observeth Much and Knowest Pretty Much Everything:

Great One - perhaps this has been mentioned before, but has the spectral issue of PUNKtergeists been addressed among the members of the Order? I have indeed encountered a PUNKtergeist - on my festive shopping spree Christmas last in Her Pantsuitedness' Namesake. I know, I know, it was a suggested *summer* activity, but I was in the mood. 'Twas at the mall that I spotted him, in a sporting goods store -- in a state of undress. At first I thought he had perhaps festooned himself, if you catch my meaning, with a holiday wreath of some sort. Upon further inspection, I was relieved to find it was only Blessing Way greenery. So strange.... Needless to say his bossy, apparitional influence was pernicious, as I arrived home with not one sleeping bag, but many, as well as an overabundance of black silk boxers for that special someone in my life.

Okay, that's not much of a problem.... I'll get to the point -- I hope you can arrange for spiritual exorcism in a swift and secretive manner. I simply cannot discuss this with the RevMa. I hate to be the one to break it to you, but our dear, dear RevMa has been questioning the newer members of the Order such as myself endlessly regarding PUNK fantasies and weaknesses .... I've begun to ...um... wonder about her helpfulness..... If I were to discuss this PUNKtergeist sighting at all with her, I can only imagine the questions: "*What* was he wearing? Are you *sure*? Did he have *glasses* on?...." And what if, heaven forbid, PUNKtergeists start appearing to everyone. What sort of state would we be in if say, the RevMa were to wake up one morning and have him talking to her on the back of one of her cereal boxes? Or anywhere for that matter. What to do?

Waiting ever so patiently for thy divine wisdom,
Sister Paula R
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Dear Sister SMNEKBGP (She goes by this on the mailing list. Really.):

First, I am only going to do this one time for you, but I shall give you a limited amount of extra credit for extra sucking up. Secondly, you were right to come to me about this particular issue of the PUNKtergeist and not the RevMa, as I am thankfully immune to his pouty nature. While the possibility of repeat appearances of this particularly pesky paranormal PUNK are potentially problematic, I am heartened to know it happened at the mall and not in the Abbey. I am more concerned about your report on the RevMa's behavior. Being friends, I've always looked the other way about the black boxer thing with her, as she grants me some latitude in my interests, however, it appears that this badgering of new members may be a sign of a problem. I heard tell from one new Brother that after he submitted his email of initiation she actually wrote back and asked for an essay entitled "My Favorite Mulder Underwear" as a further requirement to joining the Order. Do you suppose her cereal boxes are already talking back? I thought I overheard her mumbling, "They're Grrrreeeeaaattt!" to herself over breakfast just the other day. Oh wait. She was just talking to Tony the Tiger. It's "They're Heeeerrrre!" that I need to worry about. I'll just set a Flea!PUNK!Flea! bug bomb in the Abbey and replace the RevMa's copy of "Fire". Again. And we should be OK.

Editor's Note: (said in my best Fox Mulder imitation) "I did not!"

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Dear Sister Autumn (who shares her name with a season):

I am conflicted. While I am grateful for the recent reappearances of Action!Scully, I am not unambivalently excited about what appears to be Scully-centric mytharc two-parter.

Whenever our Auburn-Haired Heroine has a large role in a conspiracy episode, she is subjected to horrid amounts of Scully Emotional Torture. Naturally, I want her to find her answers, and I adore the shows that focus on Her of Extreme Politeness, Even to Undeserving Suspects. Still, I am wary. How much can one Saint endure?

One person with two opinions ,
Dahlak (who shares a name with a archipelago in the Red Sea, NOT a Klingon)
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Dear NOT a Klingon:

I do agree that things have not exactly gone swimmingly for St. Scully in the mytharc episodes of late, but let us not forget we do have some things to still be thankful of as Our Heroine is in remission. I too wonder and rant against the pain thrust upon someone of such a kind and gentle nature, but thankfully The Sainted One seems to have infinite backbone that has prevented her from going completely and utterly insane. Let us all pray that someday she will find the truth. At least she is glorious in her angst, thanks to Ms. Anderson, but let it be known to 1013 that many prefer it when she is glorious in the tub.

The Toys Are Out There
by Sister Kara (aka LadyZod)

I have seen the Holy Grail, and it is good.

Recently, I found myself at a local Toy Show, and in the midst of countless X-Men action figures and Starting Line-Up displays, there they were--casting off a radiance of unimagined proportions--what all X-Philes have craved for since the inception of Chris Carter's quirky little drama about the unexplained: The X-Files toys!

As I stood, basking in the light of the McFarlane Toys booth, my mind was taken over by "Chinga" 's demonic Doll: "Let's have fun. I want to play!" For there they stood, in their 6-inch magnificence, with cell phone and flashlight in hand: The Mulder and Scully Action Figures!

Now, at first sight, some may argue that the sculpting is not perfect. Scully is too tall, (the top of her head reaches Mulder's eye level) and the expression on her face is not at all "friendly" (I actually heard a heretic say this.). I say she was wearing heels, so the height difference is more or less more accurate than other company's attempts (READ: Mattel). The McFarlane Toys sculptors accomplished a difficult task: demonstrating the obvious height difference while maintaining proper proportions. They also managed to get the hair right (great shades of red!) and the serious, " I Don't Care What You Say, Mulder, I Still Don't Believe in Leprechauns!" expression is present. Add to that the fact that unlike other representations of Scully, this one doesn't seem to have a push up bra on AND she comes packaged with a cell phone and flashlight, and I say, "Hand me my credit card...NOW!" The Mulder action figure bares a truly remarkable likeness to DD. The hair is parted to the side (as it should be), the suit hangs off his lanky frame (READ: He's not buff, but he's no wimp, either.), and he comes complete with a God-awful tie! (Now if only he came with a bag of sunflower seeds....)

Now, with visions of Mulder and Scully in various "situations" dancing in my head, I approached the booth attendant, to get, as I like to call it, "the lowdown." Hovering over the display of Mulder and Scully in what is referred to as, "FBI attire" (READ: Armani), I was soon deluged with countless facts concerning the licensing, sculpting, production, and finally, pricing of the figures.

The Facts:

Licensing: McFarlane Toys holds the license to produce action figures. (READ: Don't call them dolls!) for the X-Files Motion Picture. They are negotiating to acquire the rights to produce toys based on the television program (READ: Flukeman Action Figure), but that all hinges on how well the Movie line sells.

Sculpting: All prototypes were okayed by both the series' stars and its executive producer before production started (READ: GA,DD, &CC like them.).

Production: All figures will stand about 6 or so inches tall with an average 8 points of articulation. (READ: Holy poseablity, Batman!). There will be, as announced, two sets of Mulder and Scully (FBI Agent Attire and Outdoor Attire) and a figure known only as "Primitive." There will be others, but Fox has requested that McFarlane Toys keep these, "under wraps." (It seems they reveal too much of the plot surprises.....Can you say "Cigarette Smoking Man action figure?")

Pricing: They will retail for about $5.99-$7.99 US. (Better than $80 for the Mattel set of The Evil (Happy) Mulder and Scully Clone Dolls.)

Now, before you get out your credit cards and mortgage your house, the figures (Mulder and Scully in FBI Attire, and Outdoor Gear, and the "Primitive") will not be released until the end of May. Other figures will follow the opening of the film. Here's to counting the days and to religiously calling Toys R Us to harass the manager until they get them in stock!

OBSSE Crafts: St. Scully Scapulars
by Sister Jenn

How often have you found yourself saying, "Man, I sure could use St Scully's skills in dogwashing/suspect chasing/DNA analysis, etc. right about now!" Well, now you can have the help of TBO with you 24 hours a day with the latest OBSSE craft project: a St. Scully Scapular Medal (For the uninitiated, sort of a religious medallion. Does St. Christopher ring any bells???) Not only will your St. Scully Scapular Medal bring you the assistance of the Sainted One in all your endeavors, but it'll also make you the object of countless compliments about your superior craft skills (which far exceed those of Martha Stewart and her tampon angels.).

What You Will Need:

1. A small picture of TBO. (You should ponder your choice thoughtfully as your picture should depict the aspect(s) of St Scully that you'd like assistance with. For example, if you need help with your Kung Fu moves, I would suggest you find a great picture of HighKicking!Scully. Please note: Make sure the picture is small. You wouldn't want the finished product to interfere with the effects of your pushup bra (for you brothers out there--I'm guessing it would be your push up bro/mansierre?)
2. Small sheet of laminating plastic.
3. Lanyard or yarn.
4. Scissors/holepunch.

Assembling Your Holy Icon:

I recommend that you laminate your picture and use plastic lanyard instead of yarn so that your medal will be resistant to the elements (Vancouverish rain, chief among them), blood, green goo, etc. Once the picture has been laminated and the excess plastic cut away, punch a small hole at the top and thread the lanyard through to form the necklace. Knot accordingly. For the true craft queens and kings among us, you can also make small holes around the edge of the picture and weave another lanyard through for a slightly more elaborate look.

And there you have it! Your very own "St Scully of the Landspeed Record" to help you get some place in an amount of time that would have been physically impossible otherwise. Or your own "St Scully of The Look" for those times in staff meetings when a reply out loud just wouldn't be appropriate. As you can see, the possibilities for St Scully's assistance are limitless. Now, please excuse me now while I go slip on my "St Scully of Every Day's a Great Hair Day." I can use all the help I can get. The mousse and hairspray just aren't cutting it anymore.

Welcome New Sisters and Brothers!

Every month we spotlight the comments of a few of our newest members, those who have only recently recognized the Sainted One's enigmatic radiance. Please join us in welcoming our new Sisters and Brothers to our Order, which is now nearing 700 members and growing!

Sister Katherine Ann testifies:
"I already worship our Blessed Saint Scully. Why shouldn't it be official?"

OBSSE Member Shaje confesses:
"I personally think that Saint Scully is more than a saint; she is nothing short of a miracle. She is the answer to all the misery brought upon us by other unworthy females."

Sister Katie M. reveals:
"I find The Blessed One's life and teachings to be truly inspirational. Her wisdom, loyalty, patience, and dedication stand out in a medium that presents precious few worthy role models. How refreshing to see a strong female character who has managed to succeed in a male-dominated field without sacrificing her principles and compassion!"

Sister Cathy S. explains:
"Most of the time, I wish I was a lot more like Scully--brilliant, driven, compassionate, beautiful. Sometimes, I wish Scully could be a little more like me and laugh more. But then again, as far as I know, I have all my ova."

Sister Josephine expresses:
"...I am a true Scullyist in all respects, hanging on every word St. Scully utters, and would be perfectly happy if The X-Files only starred GA. Oh, and I happen to also have a red pre-remission hairdo and--inspired by The Great One--am currently taking a four-year degree in Physics. Is that OBSSEsed or what???

Sister Xkpx testifies:
"I was made for OBSSE. I have spent years keeping journals of Scullyisms and favorite Scully scenes. My tapes are showing signs of wear and need to be replaced. Unknowingly, I have lived by the principles of the OBSSE for years. I have been responsible for many conversions to the devotion of The Sainted One....I encourage devotion to The Sainted One among the very young and the very old. I have converted shop keepers and many who have lived in ignorance of our Sainted Scully. I have claimed for years that Mulder is unfit to remove the heels from Scully's feet. If anyone is a good candidate for the OBSSE it is me."

Sister Scully1ab states:
"The only reason I could even deem myself worthy of such a group is that I think Scully is the best thing to ever happen to this planet. She is smart, funny, and tough. I aspire to be like her. When there is a tough decision to be made, I often ask myself, "What would Scully do?" Usually then, the choice seems clear."

Sister Spencer confesses:
"I seek admittance to the Order because of my undying love for Saint Scully, which started out as casual interest and respect in the Pilot, and slowly bloomed over two seasons, until one Friday night during the weekly X-Files get-together at my apartment, I realized (in the words of Frohike), that she was "tasty," though I would never presume to say such a thing in the presence of The Blessed One nor scarcely to another soul. (But as I liken this to a confession of sorts, I will come clean here.) Whether Scully is theorizing, holding two glasses with one hand while pouring wine with the other, bubble-bathing, clacking away at the keyboard, or saving her partner, she has my rapt attention. May she ever be praised. Not to mention, I could use people around me who understand such a commitment."

Sister Paula R. explains:
"I have paused at the Abbey many times since its inception...wavering...wistfully wondering over my worthiness of wimpledom....I approach now, humbly, to offer this simple prayer to Her Pantsuitedness: Saint Scully, I pray, I beg, on bended knee, Save us from this (so far) lack of Continuity.... Keep in Thy Blessed Denial, in this one thing I strive, So that I may endure unScullyistic eps in Season Five."

SisterAmy Colleen confesses:
"I am 5'2", wear suits frequently, am eminently rational, and have an undergraduate degree in physics. I have mastered the art of running in high heels, and my last date was almost as much fun as the one Scully had with Ed Jerse. Saint Scully's influence is even beginning to show up in my closet, where all my clothes have mysteriously changed to muted colors. Saint Scully is my role model--every woman should be as smart, capable, and independent. And as good a shot."

Sister Humble Novice Angie testifies:
"Oh, those who are worthier than i (uncapitalized because of my lowly position), i wish to join you in your *QUEST* for the most revered one--St. Scully, she who walketh in the 3-inch heels while others fall; she who remaineth *fine* when others puke; she who putteth up with the lack of office furniture; and she who stretcheth forth her hand to Mulder only to have it bitten on occasion. (I am speaking figuratively here. If she ever really bit Mulder's hand, I'm sure we'd all give up fan fiction, cause the romantic turn on the show woulda just got a lot more interesting!) Basically, what I'm saying here is that I'm just as nuts as you guys and having not another place to go, I wanta stay here!"

Brother Charlie explains:
"No matter how many actors may be in a scene, I see only one: St. Scully."

I was a little heavy on the angst last month, so I thought I'd try to throw in at least one author to lighten things up. This month we have a really mixed bag: humor, angst, and romance. I hope you enjoy these pics for great Scullyrific fanfic. If you have fanfic picks suggestions, email them to me at autumnt@aol.com.

Kevin J Vos
When I first read "Wrestling With Jello" on alt.tv.x-files.creative, I did not know Brother Kev. In fact, I think my reaction to the very short and very odd offering was, "What in the hell was that?" Knowing Kevin a little better now, and appreciating his rather odd sense of humor, I recently traveled back to his webpage, and what did I find but two so-called "photo stories". The original classic now illustrated and a sequel. I still said, "What the hell was that?" but I laughed, and I think you will too. Also, if you aren't on the OBSSE mailing list (and why the hell not?), you probably missed his little ode to the "Kill Switch" preview :"Nurse Attack". On a more serious note, Kev also has written a longer and much more substantial and straightforward little X-File called "No Time" - it is the time travel episode we should have got instead of "Synchrony".

Nicole Perry
Our next author is the scribe of one of my favorite series of stories in all of X-Files fanfic. I've held off recommending her work for a while because the series is not yet finished, but as a little bird has recently told me she has begun work on it again, I figured it is a good time to let you know about Nicole's work. The series is called "Going Nowhere" and starts out with a story called just that. This is a Mulder and Scully on the run saga in which The Blessed One is sadly without her sight. The first few stories are not as strong, but by the time you hit the absolutely wonderful "At the Blue Hotel," I guarantee you will be hooked. It had me riveted. To read the entire, engrossing series, head over to The Gossamer Archive.

Michaela
First off, I'm going to tell you this next story is one of the dreaded "character dies" stories, and between you and me, you aren't going to like which one it is. However, if you can get past that, you will read one of the best and most heartwarming portraits of Scully I've ever come across. This story has it all: humor, warmth, love, and angst. If you don't mind taking a trip back into a world where The Holy Remission Chip does not exist, I think you will enjoy "Grace Realized".

Kartoons by Kara

Usually in this space you'll find "Komics by Kevin," but this month, Brother Kev is taking a break. So in his place, we unveil yet another talented OBSSE artisan: Sister Kara (aka Lady Zod). Enjoy!

The OBSSEwood Minute
By Sister Autumn

First, on the upcoming episodes front, we start the month off with another mythology two-parter ("Patient X" and "The Red and the Black"), this one promising to delve even further into our favorite agent's abduction. Personally, I think this once again proves that the Scully storyline is now the most compelling reason to watch the mythology episodes. Samantha who?

Hopefully we will all have our fill of Scullycentricity from these episodes because it gets a little grim after that. "The Travelers" is a Spotnitz/Shiban penned tale that is going to be a flashback episode to "The Project's" past. This frees up Anderson and Duchovny to do reshoots for the film in Los Angeles. The real unfortunate part is that while Duchovny will OF COURSE appear in it, it will be, sadly, the fourth episode of the series without Gillian Anderson. Scully won't even show up wearing a silly hat. Why they find it impossible to do a Mulderless episode and we have had four sans-Scully episodes, I will never understand.

The OBSSE is making news these days. Look for a sidebar feature on our little Order in the May issue of Femme Fatales on sale now. While this magazine may be a little racy for our younger Brothers and Sisters (they do have a habit of featuring the scantily clad), there is a huge section entirely devoted to Scully. OBSSE also made the front page of the entertainment section of the Tampa newspaper this past week with a glorious shot of the RevMa's newly spruced up Abbey website. The mention calls us both "frightening" and "funny". Frightening? I beg to differ. Maybe they meant frighteningly funny.

On the awards front, the Screen Actor's Guild Awards will air March 8th on the TNT cable station. Yes, that is the same time as the "Red and the Black" is airing, but don't panic that you don't have two VCRs yet. Word has it that TNT will be repeating the awards again right after they air the first time. So, if all goes right, you should be able to enjoy viewing "The Adventures of The Blessed One and Her Little PUNK Sidekick" and then flip over to TNT in time to hopefully see the lovely and talented Ms. Anderson honored by her peers for the third consecutive time. Oh, that other guy and the show are also nominated.

Well, we all know Scully is a doll, but now they are trying to market her as such. There are two sets of X-Files dolls hitting the streets soon. The first by Mattel are such utterly terrifying and overpriced things that I barely want to mention them as I get a case of the shudders just thinking about it. However, the *real* action figure dolls that will be coming out from McFarlane Toys to support the movie are pretty cool. They even do a pretty good job with the likenesses and come with important accessories like cell phones and flashlights. Check out Sister Kara's story on the figures for more details.

That's it! Thanks for reading, and have a wonderful St. Patrick's Day! Next newsletter due out by April 10, 1998, just in time for taxes.... :-(.

"News for the OBSSEsed" is copyright 1998 by Nancy Cotton.