It's time we faced it - XF has changed over the years. These days, the focus is on IVF lizard babies instead of our beloved oiliens. People debate about what animals Scully and Mulder emulated when conceiving their foetus rather than whether that hair-tendril-tucking was shippy or merely a caring expression of entirely platonic concern. Scully now believes in aliens because Mulder turned out to be one. And we're resigned to the fact that Mulder's passionate (albeit sporadic) lifelong search for his sister simply cannot compare to Doggett's giant balls.
These changes, however, are not being reflected in one very important facet of the fan community. This facet involves Mulder and Scully engaging in fully-clothed and rather, erm, rigid sexual relations. It involves Scully, clad in her FTF suit, doing autopsies on bodies whose backs are moulded to the table. It involves Scully getting it on with Scott Evil. It involves Mulder experiencing beheadings and being mauled by peckish cats. I'm talking about PIs, ladies and gentlemen - Plastic Incarnations, known as action figures to the uninitiated. We haven't seen new PIs since the movie, and it's high time they were updated to incorporate the changes that XF has undergone in recent years. I have taken it upon myself to draft a proposal for these new PIs, and I thought I'd use this space to debut it before I send it off to the action figure gods. Any suggestions for alterations (or altercations) can be sent to firstname.lastname@example.org.
FIGURE X101: PREGNANT SCULLY (1-97 WEEKS)
Description: This attractive action figure, depicting Special Agent Dana Scully in the early days of her pregnancy, is sure to be a hit with fans. From the impeccable floofy hairstyle, to the washboard stomach, to the beguilingly disproportionate feet, this doll is a miracle of impending parturition. Special features include a propensity to overlook the fact that the love of her life, aka Figure X104, is currently being tortured by extraterrestrials. This enchanting doll will surely delight children with her uncanny resemblance to the earlier Scully models.
Additional accessories: Hamster sold separately. Scientific beliefs no longer available.
Notes: Economical to produce, as no evidence of interior gestation is required.
FIGURE X102: JEBUSLUG SCULLY
Description: This fun educationally-oriented toy will help your child learn about religion and surgery while simultaneously having busloads of fun. For a limited time only, this package will include a Freaky Cultist Figure, who will explain just why an entire town decided that a mollusk was the founder of Christianity. A special feature of this Scully model is the large hole in the back, allowing children to insert the Jebuslug with ease. In addition to this, the figure will scream "I'M PREGNANT!" when the slug makes contact with the hole. (N.B. It is suggested that children occasionally utilize this feature within the earshot of Figure X101.)
Additional accessories: Jebuslug included in package. Tattoo no longer available. Firearm no longer available. Common sense no longer available.
Notes: Phallicism of Jebuslug should not be emphasized in television advertisements.
FIGURE X103: PREGNANT SCULLY (98-100 WEEKS)
Description: The matronly figure of Special Agent Dana Scully as she waits for her child to arrive will strike a chord with mothers as well as children. The stunningly realistic swollen ankles above four-inch heels, extensive maternity wardrobe, and frequent fits of crying will bring back many happy memories of your own incubation periods. Best of all, she comes with an enormous belly, the squeezing of which will induce the delivery of Figure X105 (also available separately). Cesarean delivery should not be attempted.
Additional accessories: Screams of agony sold separately.
Notes: Modification of original prototype may prove necessary, to ensure there is sufficient room for Figure X105 to exit the birth canal and remain intact.
FIGURE X104: ABDUCTED MULDER
Description: This exciting new Mulder figure is aimed at the young sadists of our society, and comes with a range of delightful accessories. Hours of fun can be achieved with the cattle prod alone, and the mere sight of the bound and gagged figure is sure to invoke much hilarity among the young ones.
Additional accessories: Cross-shaped table, cattle prod, dental equipment and fatty facial deposits included in package.
Notes: Dental equipment should not be used on children. Parental supervision should be recommended on packaging, as children spending too much time with this doll may develop maladjusted behavior such as ditching, interstellar vacationing, and ova appropriation, which could result in excessive liability costs for the manufacturers.
FIGURE X105: BABY SCULDER
Description: In a new and exciting development in action figure technology, the Sculder doll is available in a variety of models. These include Lizard, Alien, Generic Human, Horse, Hamster, Saviour of Mankind (distinguishable from Generic Human by the shining light above its head and the emittance of sacred music) and Guppy. Collect all seven for a chance to win a trip to Disneyland.
Additional accessories: Umbilical cord included in package. "Plot Device" sign sold separately. Diapers kits optional depending on model.
Notes: Horse model should be slightly smaller than is realistic, to ensure the safety of Figure X103.
FIGURE X106: GENERIC DOGGETT
Description: It is with much pleasure that we bring you our representation of a recent addition to the show, Special Agent John Doggett. This manly figure is a marked contrast to Abducted Mulder, as the large detachable testicles will surely indicate. Our Doggett model also comes with a special instruction manual for children, dealing with the issue of How to Sound Stoopid Just by Changing Your Accent.
Additional accessories: A colorful range of accessories, including a blue collar, a red neck and a white trash can, is available in selected stores.
Notes: A pamphlet for Season Nine should be included with this model. A possible cross-promotional deal could involve customers receiving their Doggett at a discounted price upon purchase of the recently released book "What to do when you find you've signed a fifty year contract to star in an increasingly deranged television serial - now with handy tips on how to kill your character!" by Roberto Paprika.
FIGURE X107: PASTEL SKINNER
Description: This imposing figure, attired in the most delicate shades of pink and yellow, should give rise to many days' worth of entertaining sexual orientation debate amongst your children. The daisies embroidered on the limited edition handkerchief are a study in the daintiest needlework imaginable, while the attractive bald head also functions as an eraser.
Additional accessories: None
Notes: Figure should not be used as a flotation device or a procreation tool.
FIGURE X108: INVISIBLE MA
Description: Invisible Ma Scully is an essential addition to your action figure collection. Coming with a disconnected white clunky phone, a certification of nonexistence and a home in the mountains of New Zealand, Invisible Ma will provide some much-needed support for the various Scully models.
Additional accessories: None
Notes: Another economical figure to produce, as no materials are required to achieve its invisibility. This will result in a sizable profit margin for the manufacturers.
FIGURE X110: DELUXE FAMILY PACK
Description: This very special limited edition package includes Domestic Scully, Domestic Mulder and a Sculder model of your choice. Children will have hours of fun enacting homely situations and domestic arguments about the impending doom of mankind. A Mary Sue figure, specially designed to babysit Sculder and boink Mulder while Scully is off running the FBI, can be purchased for a small additional price. Buy now and receive a free bottle of strawberry shampoo.
Additional Accessories: Minivan and white picket fence included in package. Character betrayal sold separately. Do-it-yourself IVF kits available from selected stores.
Notes: If this package is successful, other accessories such as a Dream House and a pink convertible should be considered for release.
I'll let you all know how my proposal is received. In the meantime, hang in there with your obsolete PIs and remember that your Scully doll may be able to get pregnant after all, so go easy on the copulation. Just think - if a new range of PIs is released, Scully will not be forced to boff Mulder (or Scott Evil) day after day. She will have a much bigger range of options open to her. In a few short months, there could be mass plastic orgies in the bedrooms of philes all over the world.
Maybe I should add something about Kersh and Krycek to the proposal...
GAWS Auction Coming Up
No News Yet on Season 9
As of the writing of this newsletter, there was still no official word on whether season 9 is actually going to happen or not. However, with The Lone Gunmen ratings in the toilet, don't be surprised if Carter and company try to squeeze at least one more season out of their only hit. Sadly, that doesn't bode well for those fans hoping to see the Mulder and Scully story end with the closure we'd hoped for.
Wanna See What It's Like to be an Alien?
Or maybe you just can't get enough of Mulder in space. Either way there is a game for you out there. Check out the Ex-Files. Make sure Mulder never ditches Scully again. Too bad the game doesn't come with a Chris Carter option, isn't it?
House of Mirth Coming to a TV Near You
Season 8 Current Schedule
Sister Margot Defies Authority for the Greater Good
My English teacher gave us the opportunity to write a research paper on any topic we chose. I chose Her Pantsuitedness. My teacher told me to pick another topic. I wrote a paper on Saint Scully anyway.
Sister Regina Speculates on her place in the Abbey
I'm constantly in pursuit of the perfect Season-Five-Scully-like haircut, complete with color and occasional poof. I could be the guardian of the sacred blowdryer, Pentecostal comb and holy hairspray.
Sister Tamara Discovers the Gates to the Abbey
Oh, where to begin? I have been a faithful follower of the Blessed One for seven and a half years now - since day one, the Pilot, also referred to (by me, anyway) as my Episode of Enlightenment. I remained strong in my devotion throughout.. and yet something was missing. I felt so very alone in my walk of adoration. I even attended an X-files convention here in Toronto, but left confused. Did so many avid Mulderists really exist? It disturbed me. And then, I bought my computer. I stumbled here into the blessed Order and was thrilled to realize that I ws not, in fact, alone in my faith! I was not the only one who stayed home nights to rewind and play, rewind and play, just to hear Scully deliver that wonderful monologue to Luther Lee Boggs one more time. I have found a home!.... (heartfelt sobbing...)
Sister Lillian has found her home
I had been worshiping at the feet of the Blessed Saint Scully for years before I was aware that your Order existed; oh, how I wept with rejoicing when I discovered OBSSE!!
I have made many sacrifices and modifications to my life in order to be like the Blessed Saint Scully: my hair, naturally brown, is now a shade very similar to that of our Holy One (thanks to my hair stylist and, I believe, a little blessing from St. Scully); I taught myself to run in three inch heels (many sprained ankles later, that is); I have stocked my wardrobe with feminine black, gray, and pinstripe power suits; and I have alienated most of my friends so that I have no life and can experience the suffering and loneliness felt by St. Scully.
Sister Amy is almost exactly like Scully. Or not.
If I were about two feet shorter with an upside down smile and a thing for small dogs, black bras and tight white shirts I would so be Scully. And, as someone who has been worshipping alone since 1993, it would be an enormous comfort to worship in kind with other voices. And to do so in an abbey with a hot tub (everything is better with a little warm water.)
|The X-Files is owned by FOX. No copyright infringement is intended. The OBSSE and News for the OBSSEsed are intended for entertainment purposes only. In other words, it's a joke folks. Thanks to all who contributed this month. All articles and columns appearing in News for the OBSSEsed are copyrighted to the authors.|