Could You Please Stay Dead This Time, Mulder, Because We're Kind of Tired of Playing the Mourning Game

Friends, Scullyists, Sibliren, lend me your ears;
I come to bury Mulder, not to praise him.
The punkiness the Punks do live after them,
The "one in five billions" are oft interred with their bones.
So let it be with Mulder.  The noble Scully
Hath  told us Mulder had a beautiful mind
If it were so, it was grieviously hid
And grieviously hath Mulder hid it.
Here, under leave of Paula and the Elders--
For Paula is an honorable nun
So are they all, all honorable nuns--
Come I to speak at Mulder’s latest "death."
He was our Punk, faithful and just to Scully
But the sibliren say he was obnoxious,
And the sibliren are honorable nuns.
He hath stuck his fingers in many a pile of goo
Whose chemical compounds didst betray his cool exterior;
Did this in Mulder seem obnoxious?
When that the ova hath been harvested, Mulder hath "protected" Scully,
Obnoxion should always wear black funky poaching jeans.
Yes, the Abbey says he was obnoxious,
And the Abbey is full of honorable nuns.
You all did see that on the Field Trip
Scully once provided him with a rational explanation,
Which he did 99.8% of the time deny -- was this obnoxious?
Yet the nuns in the hot tub say he was an obnoxious arse;
And sure, they are honorable nuns.
I speak not to disprove what my sibliren spoke,
But I am here to speak what I do know
Scully did love him once, not without reason
What cause withholds us then to mourn him now?
O Mulder!  Thou art left to rot in a field,
And Doggett has huge testicles.  Bear with me;
My Scully is weeping in the cultists' lodge
And I must pause to fix her hair.

By Brother Scott

Well, isn't reality grand? ;-)  Anyone who read my article in the last  newsletter knows of the intense dread and fear I felt prior to approaching my  parents about Fest. After all, it isn't exactly something I ask of them  every day. By early March, largely thanks to the cheers of good luck by  all of you at the OBSSE, I had gained enough courage to confront my parents with this proposal. How did it go? Well, it went fine aside from my mom  losing consciousness. ;) Actually, it went really well, all things  considered. My imagination of the meeting was a lot more entertaining than  the actual thing. Although, when it came time for the inevitable question, 

"Where exactly is this get-together?", I had to brace myself for the impact. I struggled a bit on the syllables of the word. "Col-ol-orado." I slowly  looked up to see how they'd react. Let's just say I wish I had had a camera  at that moment so I could have captured the look of dismay on my dad's face. <bg> When all was said and done, they weren't all that difficult to persuade. As I made a point to reiterate, I am 18 and ready to go off to  college - wouldn't it be a great experience for me to hang out for a weekend  with a bunch of nuns? OK, I didn't phrase it quite like that. ;) But they  got the idea that you're all a bunch of fabulous, funny people. So, in short, my plan worked - a resounding success. Thanks to everyone for their  wishes of good luck! I am bristling with excitement over the fact that I'm actually going to meet you all in July.

Now you'll have to excuse me while I go empty my bank account and look for decent plane fares to Denver!

[Editor's Note:  We at News for the OBSSEsed couldn't be happier for Brother Scott and would like to congratulate him on his success.  The tact, respect, reason, and good humor that we've come to expect from him serve him well.  May it always be so - I suspect it will.]