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Dear Sister Autumn, who walks in beauty like the night, without even an huge freaking flashlight to light your way, please assist me in my darkest hour of need.
I really miss the butt genie jokes. I'm a little afraid of what this says about my priorities.
This is the OBSSE. I really don't think that the butt genie jokes are truly down the drain. I think they are just resting comfortably in a dark warm place and looking for a prime candidate that they can hitch a ride to FEST with. Deep Roy may be currently out of sight, but he is never out of hind.
Oh Most Reverent and Tingly One, Sister Autumn the Demure,
This is my first time to respectfully seek your guidance. I have been a sister venerating the Blessed One for years now, but this season my faith has wavered. One night I found myself switching channels from our Enigmatic Saint - without taping the episode. Worse still, I switched it to a documentary on the history of underwear. I did reflect on Our Saint's own underwear display, but still, I feel very guilty. It was a good documentary though. What penance should I do to make things right?
Well, if the episode was SureKill, I can hardly make you do any penance for missing it. I wish I'd watched a documentary on underwear instead of that. At least you kept The Blessed One's garment choices in mind while learning the importance of support in the early 1800's. Did they cover why someone would wear a bra to bed or a black bra underneath a white shirt? Or were the early versions of the boob-phone discussed at all? Those answers might be helpful for the rest of the Abbey.
You can still recover from all this though. Just remember that the important thing this season is Scully's hair. If you concentrate on that it can occasionally distract you from what passes for writing on the show these days. I'll make your penance an easy one - compare and contrast Scully's underwear choices from the Pilot episode to today and present your findings in the Abbey lounge. Don't forget the visual aids.
Oh wise one...teach me...
I have a problem which cannot be resolved by copious amounts of tic tacs. I recently saw The House of Mirth. Okay... okay... I've seen it 5 times. This amazing movie presented me with a dilemma. As I sat in the theatre... bawling like a baby dropped in an onion barrel...I found myself contemplating sacrilege. You see, I fell in love with Lily Bart. This beautiful but flawed heroine captured my heart. She was naive but stoic. She was a raw nerve to run across. Simply put...she enraptured me.
I will always love Scully...but it's become a comfortable given. I don't feel that same electric zing.
Am I forever destined to forsake Scully for Gillian's role de jour?
Is Gillian really that good?
Oh fickle one...learn from me...
First of all, yes, the lovely and talented Ms. Anderson is indeed both lovely and talented. That's a no brainer. She is really that good. House of Mirth is a very well made film which really doesn't deal much with houses and has absolutely no mirth whatsoever. Personally, I think a better name might have been Yacht of Misery or maybe Opera House of Inappropriate Color Choices or perhaps Love's Lawyers Lost or You Spent HOW Much on Dresses? or even Oh My God What is That Thing on Gillian's Head Masquerading as Hair?
Anyway, that is neither here nor there. While the performance was lovely, you must face the fact that Lily Bart's "flaws" included greed, drug abuse, sponging off others, gambling, and really poor hat making skills. Not exactly role model material as compared to, oh, I don't know... Scully. Now, I'm not sure how Scully would do making a hat but I'm pretty damn sure she could sew beads on straight.
Is it possible to be too SOGgy? What would someone be like who was too SOGgy?
How would I possibly know what being self obsessed is like? I mean I have a lot of knowledge about almost everything and of course everyone in the Abbey always comes to me in hopes that I might impart some of my vast wisdom, but this question is really too far out of the realm of my albeit large and dynamic life experience to answer. Seeing as how most things are about me, that probably shocks you. I'm sure everyone in the Abbey will be talking about this now. How the one person they look up to the most couldn't answer your plea. Oh well, they'll get over it.
To one of the leaders of my three religions that I follow equally,
I have a few problems. The first one is that I think I'm becoming another one of those people that like the MSR and the DSR. Help me because I'm scaring myself and others on lists that I'm on.
The second one is this: What do you do when the leader of one cult of yours tells you not to tell the leader of another cult of yours? And how does this situation escalate when A) You're asking the advice of the other cult leader, B) Both women are very similar, just that one of them is stranded on the other side of the galaxy 400 years from now and already had three kids in just one episode, and C) The third religion
Awaiting any kind of response,
P.S. What can you suggest for someone who's trying not to read spoilers for one episode, but shakes like an addict on one of those illegal drugs when she doesn't?
Things that scare me about your letter.
A. You actually used the initials "DSR" as if something like that existed. That's just plain creepy. No wonder those other people are scared.
B. You are taking advice from an imaginary person on "the other side of the galaxy."
C. You are comparing me to said imaginary person.
D. This imaginary person who talks to you appears in "episodes" leading me to believe that the you think the people in your TV are talking to you about me.
Hejira. Step away from the galaxy far, far away and concentrate on the here and now. You know, things that actually exist. Like THIS religious cult based on a fictional television character that resides in a virtual Abbey run by a woman who uses a trout to punish bad nuns. Otherwise I think you're living in a fantasy world.
Dear Autumn, who wields a trout so flashy and sparkly that it could only be called a rainbow trout but we never would call it that because then it wouldn't be a powerful weapon it would be something that only people who wear pink shorts would use as a weapon and we know you're not that,
Hi. How are ya?
So, I've been having these dreams about Fest. I shouldn't be having dreams about Fest because I've never been to one. But I am and I want to know what they mean.
In the first one, Fest was being held in England. Aderyn was hosting all of us in this huge castle. People were running around and having a good time. So I was walking up to the castle to see what was going on. As I was doing that, some German planes started bombing the castle. I don't know if our German sibs were involved, but I do know that I was suddenly surrounded by OBSSE members shouting things about us
In my second Fest dream, Fest was being held at an animal shelter in Minnesota where I was working in said dream. I was a janitor. (In real life, I'm a teacher, not a janitor, so this was especially odd.) Suddenly, Skull was there and she was bringing me a pack of cigarettes. The cigarettes were "Sexy" brand cigarettes. Then I smoked them. I don't smoke, so this was very strange. Then everyone ran to the back door of the animal shelter and jumped into a lake. I think I did, too.
Autumn, what do my dreams mean?
P.S. Aren't you glad this letter wasn't about Scully's shoes?
P.P.S. Do you have any of Scully's shoes?
How interesting. I've been having FEST dreams too, but my mostly revolve around suddenly FEST being here and I've forgotten to do anything to prepare and am in full panic mode because everyone wants cheese or a hairdryer or their shirt or a bag full of cool things and apparently it is supposed to be provided by me. And then everyone gets mad and Paula's horns won't blink and Kirby refuses to let me touch her head and mandy gets surly and Meredith beans me with her guitar and Bryn won't do the thing with the feathers. So actually they are FEST nightmares. Perhaps I've been spending just a little too much time staring at the budget spreadsheet trying to make the numbers bend to my will. Oh, were we talking about you?
Your first dream is clearly the result of your desire to be in an actual castle-like Abbey with the rest of us even though you know it is as unlikely as Rania actually posting on-topic. Plus, I also think you are scared of Sisters Glasses and Fialka. Which frankly, is understandable. Glasses could squish you like a bug and Fialka - well - beware her "sock of doom" is all I'm saying.
Your second dream also, interestingly enough, features one of our "Severed" sisters - highlighting the fact that having never been to an actual FEST you feel a misguided kinship with people who had a much better excuse for missing these events because they lived half way around the world as opposed to, say, Dallas. It also means you want to now be an Abbey lemming and follow everyone to FEST so you can be part of the group even though you fear your bad habits and looks will make others look down on you.
Happy Birthday to the Blessed Saint Scully
- - Sister Adrianne, of the OBSSE
LAST MONTH'S POLL:
We can't help noticing that Scully's already dropped her gun twice this season, so last month we asked our readers how they thought she might lose it next. Here are some of the results, with a special thanks to Sister Teri for coming up with a creative "scene."
Tabby: She'll inadvertently hurl it out a third-story window while using it to club one of the writers. With any luck, it'll land on CC.
Hejira: What goes around, comes around. The poor butt genie returns, only to find out just how painful it is to have something up your butt - particularly a piece of metal at sort of right angles with a couple of bits sticking out. Scully tries valiantly to get the gun out of the butt of the butt genie, and it eventually gets shot out of the butt of the butt genie after a nice feast of chili laced with laxettes.
Sis Cindy: Last episode before The Lone Gunmen eps air. Mulder's back. Doggett's still assigned to the XF (CC logic.) While Mulder and Doggett are "duking it out" (manly-man vs. sickly, scrunchy-face man), Scully is sitting at Mulder's desk and tossing pencils into the ceiling tile. Scully hears an unusually loud slam against the outside door. She jumps, loses concentration on the pencils, looks disgustingly at the door and longs for a paranormal autopsy (maybe some invisible guy again; that would be kewl). She then begins again with the pencils. But her concentration has been broken and she is paying more attention to the shenanigans in the hall then what she is actually doing, so she grabs her gun instead (which is characteristically on the desk instead of in its holster), and throws that into the ceiling tile. All gone. (What? You thought I was going somewhere with the TLG series? Not.)
Sister Cyranetta: It's time for Scully to be reconnected with the aliens. Therefore, her gun is snatched from her by one of the UFO tractor beam thingies (it was supposed to pick up Scully again, but it got miscalibrated).
Kristin: Obviously, she'll point it at Mulder during the delivery of the Sculder baby, as all women blame men for the pain of childbirth. However, it'll fly out of her hand with the next contraction.
Zod: I foresee, the next time Agent Scully loses her gun it will be in a game of high stakes poker. She may be enigmatic, but a pokerface, she has not. One slight raising of the eyebrow upon seeing she's been dealt a pair of queens, and a pair of eights was all it took for Miss Scully to be hitching it back to DC with an empty wallet, and and empty holster. Damn the Gunmen influence.
You're all invited...
... to Scully's Baby Shower. Yes, you heard correctly. In the next issue, News for the OBSSEsed is hosting a virtual baby shower (hey, WORK with me here) so put on those thinking caps, break out those credit cards, and check out Alien Gap, and Pottery Barn for 'Lil Lizards. It will be soooo fun to open all those gifts, won't it? Maybe you'll win an extra party favor.
"Exactly what color does one get for a baby lizard alien?"