News for the OBSSEsed

Me: Please allow me to introduce my talented panelists. First of all, a man who needs no introduction but will probably write himself one anyway, the creator of The X-Files, Chris Carter.

CC: Hello. (twinkly smile) It's a pleasure to be here.

Me: Next, a bona fide fashion expert and grande dame of the E! Entertainment Network, Joan Rivers.

JR: (smiles brilliantly, her eyes squinting into slits)

Me: And then we have Mr. Stephen Holden, a film critic from The New York Times, who will be able to give us the artistic point of view.

SH: How do you do.

Me: And just to make sure we provide a really fresh perspective, our fourth panelist will be a man on the street. (/me grabs a guy walking by) Hello, sir, what's your name?

Man On Street: Uh, Bob.

Me: Hi, Bob. Would you like to participate in the Scully CHarc Fashion Review 2001?

Bob: Sure. What's a skull leech ark?

Me: Finally, we've got a familiar face to X-Files fans: the star of the upcoming Ivan Reitman comedy Evolution, Mr. David Duchovny.

DD: It's a comedy, you know. It's directed by Ivan Reitman. It has nothing to do with The X-Files. It's a lot more like Men in Black, which was in no way a rip-off of The X-Files. A comedy, which may have some elements of sci-fi, like aliens and redheaded scientists, but is primarily a comedy.

Me: OK.

DD: I was just making sure everyone knew.

Me: And me, I'm the moderator. Welcome, everyone, and thanks for being here. OK, let's jump right in. I brought some slides with which to better illustrate.

(/me waits for laughs from DD or CC. They look blank.)

Me: OK, right. Anyway, we begin with a classic look: <CLICK> Scully in the pilot episode. Here's the scene where she meets Mulder for the first time. Chris, David, this must bring back memories for you guys.

DD: Memories I've repressed, yes.

CC: You know, I think this scene was really sort of, uh, the key that allowed viewers through the, uh, the door of the, um, building of the Mulder/Scully dynamic. I knew while I was writing this scene that it had to be absolutely perfect, flawless, or the entire show would fail. Luckily, it was. So that worked out really well. We're pleased with that, yes.

Me: Panel? Comments?

SH: Boy, she's quite a porker, isn't she? She's got huge shoulders.

Me: Actually, Stephen, those are shoulder pads. They were popular in the late '80s to early '90s.

JR: My DOG wears shoulder pads like that. And that's where they belong. On a DOG.

Me: See, I like how dorkily she dressed in the early days. I think it's cute.

Bob: Who's that?

Me: That's Agent Scully from The X-Files.

Bob: Is that that sci-fi show about the aliens?

DD: (put-upon sigh) You know, it was really more drama than sci-fi.

Me: Anyone want to comment on the hair? Come on, it's begging for it.

CC: I remember when Gillian first walked through the door, she looked like some freaky street person. Like she lived in a box and sold stolen Rolexes for a living. I think, um, actually, that that is what she was doing, at the time. We could barely, uh, make out her features under all the layers of filth. But, I knew immediately that I wanted her to play Agent Scully, because I knew she was smart enough to recite all the cumbersome, metaphor-laden speeches I planned to write for her.

Me: All right. Moving on. Here's one from later in Season 1, a classic ensemble from an episode called Shadows. <CLICK> Oh dear. And here's a closeup so we can get the full effect of the orange blouse, and the hair. <CLICK> Hey, look, David, you're in that first one.

DD: I don't remember ever shooting that. Looks like it was raining, though, or about to rain. Typical.

JR: That looks like something a PIG would wear. That whole outfit would look perfect on a PIG. A FAT PIG. Which is just what she IS.

SH: Good lord, she's GIGANTIC! Look how she towers over him!

Me: What are you TALKING about?

SH: Doesn't everyone else see it? She's enormous. I'm surprised they were able to find an outfit that fit her.

Me: Well, I find these funny Season 1 outfits charming, I have to admit. They're SO bad they're good, you know? I mean, she's wearing an ORANGE BLOUSE and WHITE TIGHTS. Hee hee hee. You have to love her.

CC: That was the effect we were going for. It was my idea.

Bob: Hey, is that those guys on that X-File show? Moulder, and that girl, right?

Me: Yes, Scully. That's who we're talking about here. Agent Scully from the show The X-Files. We're looking at her clothes and hair. What do you think of her outfit there, Bob?

Bob: Umm, well, it's all right.

Me: OK, I have to make just one more stop in Season 1 -- Darkness Falls. <CLICK> The point I want to make here is, look at how messy Scully is. She's got a big-ass parka and stringy hair. She doesn't look like a fashion model. But the REASON for that is, they're hanging out in the woods, it's rainy, it's cold, and she's NOT a fashion model. So I love how messy she looks.

DD: Oh, yeah.

Me: You agree with me?

DD: No, I just remembered this was the one where I got my buddy Jason the guest role. That was a pretty good time we had. Even though, predictably, it rained the whole time.

CC: You know, I'm really proud of the way we used the sometimes harsh Vancouver landscape to our, uh, advantage during those first five years. Almost as proud as I am of the exciting, new, even better ways in which we used the desert locales of Southern, uh, California once we moved down to L.A. We really, it really is like making little movies every week.

SH: Movies. Right. (huge eyeroll)

Me: On to Season 2. Here we have a picture from Irresistible <CLICK> in which Scully, while undoubtedly smack in the middle of her Unfortunate Beige Period and a definite victim of Hair Over-Rollering, still looks pretty darn good, don't you think? Guys? You think?

Bob: Is that that same chick from before?

CC: What episode is that again?

Me: The one where Scully is kidnapped by death fetishist Donnie Pfaster.

CC: Wow, death fetishist. What a great idea for a story.

Me: Chris, you WROTE this one. Not to mention there was already a sequel to it. Let's not make this one of those perpetually repeating themes like evil twins, OK?

CC: Evil twins!? What a great idea for a story. What if they were evil COSMIC twins of some sort? Maybe when they're together, weird things could happen? Because of the cosmos? I have to tell Frank about this.

Bob: That sounds wicked cool.

CC: Thank you, Bob! Would you like a job on the writing staff?

Bob: I already have a job, man, but thanks anyway.

DD: Hey, this is the one where we were watching football and Cris Carter was on. God, if there's one thing I CAN'T STAND, it's an inside joke. GOD. I HATE those.

Me: Stephen or Joan, do you have anything to add?

JR: It's not that it's so horrible, it's really not horrible. It's just so BLAH. It's SO BLAH! Scully! Scully! You're a pretty woman, so why do you have to hide yourself in BLAH CLOTHES? Show a little skin! That's all I'm saying! Is that so hard? You could be pretty if you'd just get yourself a decent outfit! Show it off! Work it! And smile for God's sake! Just smile a little! You look so blah when you don't smile! See, I'm here to help! I'm here to help! I just want to help! I just want to help.

SH: I've got to say, I'm really impressed with the prop department for being able to come up with that huge gag phone. It actually looks to scale with her huge, gigantic head. Kudos to them.

Me: Now it's time for one of my favorite looks, also from Irresistible: the Autopsy Baker's Hat. <CLICK> I love how un-glamorous this is. It looks like something someone might actually WEAR while conducting an autopsy. I love it.

CC: Thank you. We're all pretty proud of that, actually.

Me: These days we're lucky if she even puts her hair back in a ponytail while doing an autopsy. Never mind that her hair probably falls into every corpse she examines, tainting the evidence of case after case. Nooo, it doesn't look PRETTY enough, so that was that, and now once every million years she wears a teeny little McDonald's hat that fetchingly matches whatever color of scrubs she has on and doesn't really cover her hair at all. The full-on food worker head covering gets the shaft just because it isn't ATTRACTIVE.

(everyone shifts uncomfortably)

Bob: Um, it's just a TV show, you know.

Me: (sigh) I know. I know. Sorry. Here we go, headlong into Season 3, and right into... <CLICK> Pusher. Ahhhhhh. Here, the hair still had the faintest taint of the over-rollered about it, but it's so much better. And the red suit! Oh yeah. BUT, note: Still appropriate business attire. For women today CAN look good in the workplace without dressing like sluts. Oh yes. They can.

DD: I don't agree. (dissolves into hysterical giggles)

JR: She looks like a raccoon. A FAT RACCOON.

Me: Joan, what are you talking about, there is absolutely nothing in that picture that brings to mind anything remotely related to a raccoon.

CC: As I recall, that red suit was uh, something that I had come up with. The network tried to put a stop to it, but I knew what I wanted and I stuck with it. It's a good thing I did, too.

(DD looks at his watch)

Me: All righty! Continuing ahead to Season 4, we're going to take a look at Scully in Unruhe. Another Vince Gilligan episode; those seem to bring out the best in Scully, don't they?

CC: (making liberal use of air quotes) Oh, sure, just because he writes for the "characters" and includes "human emotion" and "realistic interpersonal situations." Good thing I have Frank to keep that guy in check.

Me: <CLICK> Just LOOK at that Season 4 hair. Oh my. Perfection. Let's just not pay any attention to the beige suit. The long dark night of beige is almost over, to be replaced by months and months of black, followed by untucked, poorly fitting -- actually, let's all drink in the sight of the beige suit while we can.

SH: She looks like a giantess, ready to reach down with her massive hand and scoop up unsuspecting villagers and shovel them into her enormous maw.

Me: She DOES NOT.

SH: No, really, I think the scene gets that across quite well. Um...that IS what the scene is trying to get across, isn't it?

Me: ACTUALLY, I think she's confronting crazy murderer Gerry Schnauz in this scene. In any case, it has NOTHING to do with villagers or her being a giantess, which she is SO NOT. She's FIVE FOOT TWO.

DD: Did you see that episode I wrote that my wife was in?

Me: Yes, David.

DD: Wasn't that funny? She's a comedic genius, on the order of Lucille Ball or, you know, those other great comediennes. If we were the Beatles, she'd be John and all the other people I know would be squirming larvae choking down their own filth for sustenance.

JR: Aw, that's so sweet.

DD: Tea's like some sort of weird comedy savant. She knows things about comedy that the rest of the human race will only begin to be able to dimly comprehend in the next stage of our development, some three million years down the line when we've evolved beyond mere physical manifestations.

Me: Anyway, getting back to Scully. How about her earrings, I think those complement her very nicely in this picture.

JR: Sure, if you're a COW who wears earrings. Earrings on a cow! HA!

CC: I think I actually designed those earrings.

Me: You THINK you did?

CC: I'm pretty sure I did, yes.

Me: People, are you going to take this seriously or not? You are about the suckiest panel I've ever had the misfortune to moderate.

Bob: (looking hurt) Even me?

Me: No, Bob, you're fine. What do you think of Scully here in this Unruhe picture?

Bob: I don't know what that word you just said means, but I think that lady is pretty.

Me: Yes! Another Scullyist is born!

Bob: A what now?

Me: One more stop in Season 4. Here we have a fabulous shot from the episode Paper Hearts. <CLICK> Just look at this picture. Not only is the hair perfect, the outfit fabulous, and the lighting just right, but she's got the LOOK OF DEATH. Whoo-hoo! Though, admittedly, the eyeliner is a little out of whack there.

JR: I swear to God, if she would just smile for once in her life she would look SO MUCH PRETTIER!

Me: Joan, I'm not going to argue with you about this anymore, because if I do somebody will probably misquote me in a newspaper, which will then be reproduced all over the Internet, or something.

Bob: I think that lady's angry about something.

Me: You betcha. She's angry that serial killer John Lee Roche is trying to manipulate Mulder into doing what he wants by taking advantage of his concern for his sister. At this point poor Mulder still doesn't know for sure that Roche isn't responsible and that the whole alien abduction thing isn't just a false memory.

CC: And you'll just have to stay tuned to find out how it ends. (twinkles mightily)

Me: Chris, no, this episode already aired. It's from Season 4. We already know how it ends. I was saying that at this point in the episode MULDER doesn't --

CC: Just keep watching and all will become clear.

Me: Chris, do you understand that I already KNOW? We've all seen it? It aired FOUR YEARS ago?

CC: I've heard a lot of hypotheses, and none of them are exactly right. You'll just have to keep watching. (nods twinklingly)

Me: (sigh) Any other comments? No? OK then, onto Season 5, with one of my favorite episodes -- Detour! <CLICK> Look, look -- "I found some wild berries!" HEE HEE!

(everyone looks blank)

Bob: I don't get it.

Me: It's just, you know, adorable. (cough) Anyway, here's the real picture, where you can actually see what she's wearing. <CLICK> OK, notice here the stark contrast to Scully's outdoor wear from Darkness Falls back in Season 1. The jacket's a lot thinner, the hair is down and nicely styled instead of all pulled back, the outfit is a simple yet feminine white t-shirt over black pants. OK, I GUESS it's all right that she no longer looks like a toddler bundled up for a day playing in the snow. I GUESS. But I still miss those days. (pout)

SH: Look at those humongous trees! Where did they film this, the Redwood Forest? Would have to have been, to find trees bigger than she is.

JR: Look at her ASS! It's HUGE!

Me: You can't even SEE her ass in that picture. David, there you are again. Any special memories of this episode?

DD: I remember it was cold and wet and muddy and dark and I had to lie around in the mud for a long time.

Me: Well, I have to say you look pretty damn hot there, my friend. The jeans and the grey shirt. Rowr.

DD: Is that how you spell "rowr"?

Me: Probably not. Any other comments? No? Good. Really, you people are starting to bug me. Here's another from Season 5 -- the fantastic lavender suit from Folie a Deux. <CLICK> Comments? Anyone?

JR: She looks like a HORSE in that suit. LIKE A HORSE.

SH: Hey, I agree with you there.

Me: I'm just going to pretend I didn't hear that. Now, these were the last glory days of the well-fitted suits and good hair. Admittedly, I'm not all that fond of the slicked-back look she's sporting here, but in general her hair was just uniformly excellent in Season 5. And even there, it looks great. It's the length, I think, and the fact that there's some body in it. And the makeup, which is also great. And the color of that suit is just terrific on her.

DD: Are we supposed to be talking about Gillian's clothes or something?

Me: David! Welcome to the party. Yes, we're talking about Gillian's clothes, or more particularly Scully's clothes, and hair. You know, the character that Gillian plays on the show? (DD nods cautiously) Great! So, what do you think of her outfit there?

DD: I don't know. (pause) It's fine, I guess.

CC: That suit has, uh, an upcoming cameo appearance in our new show, The Lone Gunmen. At least, we're trying to make, uh, something happen there.

Me: Chris, it does not. Now you're just lying. Just because I said I liked something about The X-Files you're taking it and using it to try and sell me on your other show.

CC: We've got something in the works. But you'll have to tune in to find out.

Me: Chris, do you ever stop promoting yourself for one freaking second?

CC: That's a question I can't answer, but it will be revealed, uh, later in the season. Just keep watching.

Me: (grumble) Moving on, we begin our descent down, deep down into the dark days of Scullyhair. Yes, we approach Season 6, as exemplified in this picture from Monday. <CLICK> Now, look at her hair. It's flat. It's all shag-ified and mod and groovy and I just do not like it. At all.

Bob: Are there any refreshments here?

Me: No, sorry.

Bob: Can I go out and smoke then? I didn't know this was going to take so long.

Me: I suppose.

DD: Can I go out and smoke too?

Me: David, you don't smoke. Sit down. Look, we're almost done, OK? I wanted to mention one more thing about this picture, which has to do with the watch she's wearing. It's just another example of how they've prettied her up since the early days, when she used to wear that big Boy-Scout-y digital watch. I always liked that. But, I can see her having graduated to a more grown-up watch. So I'm OK with that one. Though the clunky one had charm.

CC: The watch thing that you, uh, just mentioned will tie into the mythology in a way that I can't yet reveal. But it's something I've had in mind since I wrote the pilot episode. It will figure in in a very special way.

Me: I'm sure.

CC: There are all kinds of clues woven cleverly into the fabric of the show. If you just keep your eyes open and your mind sharp, you just might be able to put some of them together. But they're subtle, so you really have to, uh, pay attention. Attention to detail is something I've always really prided myself on. I think it's the little things that give the show that ring of, um, authenticity, of realism, that makes it all the more scary. And if you're clever enough to notice them, you'll get that much more out of it.

Me: Uh-huh, like the dates of Scully's pregnancy, of how long she was abducted, and of when she got her cross necklace, right?

CC: STOP NITPICKING! (bursts into sobs)

SH: I wonder how many extra links they had to add to that watch to make it fit around her trunk-like wrist.

Me: OK, I'm giving us another example of bad Season 6 hair: Here we have an image from Milagro. <CLICK> Again, notice the flatness, the lack of floof, the pasted-to-the-head pseudo-Courteney Cox look.

JR: Courtney and David are just adorable! They always look so put-together. So fun. Young Hollywood. Just as it should be. You know, my daughter recently got married.

Me: It's ironic to me that in this episode, which was basically all about how hot Scully is, she looked kind of bad the whole time. Oh well. I'm not all that fond of this episode in general. Merely my opinion, of course.

Bob: (returning from smoke break) You know what show I like? That show Dark Angel, with that hot chick on it. That show is so cool.

CC: (wordless sobbing)

DD: Can I go outside and chew gum?

Me: No.

SH: (to CC) If it's any consolation, I saw your show Harsh Realm, and I found it an insipid piece of throwaway foolishness that pandered to the lowest common denominator with its videogame-inspired milieu as an excuse for its brainless "action" sequences -- in other words, I believe that, had it found its audience, it would have been a massive hit.

CC: (sniff) Thank you.

Me: One more Season 6, to clear the palate before we descend into the even darker hell of Season 7. You guessed it <CLICK> -- Arcadia. Now, take a close look. A really close one. And tell me if you have ever. Ever. In your life. Your entire life. Encountered, on this earth, anything AS ADORABLE AS THAT.

(long silence)

Me: WELL??

DD: I have a poster in my trailer of a bunny and a kitten cuddling, and it says "Best Friends." (shifts defensively as everyone stares at him) What the hell's wrong with that? Jesus.

SH: Once I saw a picture of a kitten wearing bunny ears and holding an Easter basket.

Bob: I got a bunny at home, it's my kid's, and sometimes it holds a carrot in between its paws and nibbles on it with its little teeth.

Me: I'm sorry, NONE of those things qualify.

JR: I have a picture of myself dressed in a bunny suit. You know, in my younger days.

Me: That's just terrifying.

JR: I was four!

Me: Still.

CC: One time when I was little I saw a dead maggoty bunny by the side of the road, and my older cousin forced me to pick it up and take it home and put it in a cage and pretend it was alive, and eventually I really started believing it was, and I would hold it in my arms and rock it, and when my parents finally took it away from me I screamed until my vocal cords shredded and then I vowed in a whispery voice that one day, when I was rich and powerful, I would kill them.

(uncomfortable pause)

Bob: Dude, you're kinda strange, you know that?

Me: Anyway, all of Season 6 would have been INFINITELY better, CHarc-wise, if they'd let Gillian have her hair like this the whole time. The curls. I ask you! And let's also note the cutesy button-down sweater, which of course is not very Scully, but it was fun for this episode while she was undercover. So was Mulder's pink alligator shirt and crazy-ass belt.

CC: Really, though, the heart of this episode, as is true for every X-Files episode, was the story, with its dark overtones and, uh, disturbing implications about human -- or not-so-human -- nature. The idea of how even the most perfect-seeming community can have a seamy underbelly.

Me: A, that's a huge cliché. B, it was SO ABOUT THE ADORABLENESS. Sorry. And now, I'm sad to say, we leave it behind, and head for, that's right, Season 7. Let's get right to it, might as well plunge in and get the worst over with. I give you: The Amazing Maleeni. <CLICK>

(silence)

DD: Wow, that's some bad hair.

SH: I'm suddenly hungry for mushrooms. Covered in paprika. Over a bed of squid-ink noodles.

Bob: Is this still that X-Files show? Cause that girl looks different now.

Me: I would like to know, really, whose idea it was to give Gillian this haircut. And then I'd like to SMACK them. Even if it was GILLIAN'S idea. Yes, even then.

CC: It was my --

Me: Chris, trust me, you don't want to take credit for this one.

JR: I -- I don't know what to say. (looks panicked) Cue cards! I need cue cards!

Me: Joan, it's all right. No one could expect to defeat the badness of this hair. Not even you.

JR: (shakily) I don't think I'll ever be the same again.

Me: And here's one with the hair AND the blouse, from Sein und Zeit. <CLICK> Now, not only is the hair wonky, but the blouse is untucked, unbuttoned, and ill-fitting. WHY? WHY?

CC: It all ties into the mythology, you see, in that -- oh, forget it. You know, if you like The X-Files, you'll LOVE The Lone Gunmen, airing Fridays at 9 on Fox. Tell all your creepy sci-fi-geek friends. Please, for the love of God, tell them!

Me: As you can see, things had vastly improved by the end of the season. Here in Je Souhaite, <CLICK> Scully's hair looks great. Primarily, I think, because of the little curl. It's all in the floof, people. Though, note, the blouse is still unbuttoned, and this continues to occur right up to the present day, unfortunately. David, I have no idea what you're doing there with your lips, but luckily we're not talking about you.

DD: Hey, I have a production anecdote about this episode.

Me: You do? Great, let's hear it!

DD: That was sarcasm. I hate production anecdotes. I try to banish each day's harrowing and monotonous experiences from my mind as quickly and thoroughly as possible.

CC: David Amann is one of our finest producers. After all, he wrote such high-quality episodes as Agua Mala and Terms of Endearment, both of which were a big hit with fans.

Me: No they weren't. Though I actually liked Agua Mala. Heh heh. That doesn't mean it didn't suck though.

DD: That was the one where we were drenched the entire time. That was fun. (pause) Again, I was being ironic there.

Me: Thanks for explaining, it doesn't come through that well in print.

DD: No kidding. (pause) We were both being ironic that time, right?

Me: I don't even know anymore.

SH: Look at the way she's hoisting that car up on her mighty shoulders. Now that's impressive.

Me: Next we go on to Season 8, and the outfit that has become de rigeur desert attire for Scully -- the tight white tank top and the button-down shirt worn open over it. <CLICK> This ensemble, or one very similar, appeared again in Roadrunners, and actually what she wore in The Sixth Extinction was basically the same thing too. Oh, and there's Skinner, in his, uh, yellow blouse.

JR: He looks fabulous! I love it! So fun, so fearless. Pastels are really coming back for men, which I think is absolutely wonderful.

DD: This was the one where I had to stand out in the desert for hours and hours and hours. (sigh) Well, at least it wasn't raining. For once.

Bob: Wow, she looks kinda hot there! You can see her cha-chas. Sorta.

Me: As you can see, her hair has grown out from last year's unfortunate short cut. Also notice that she doesn't have a hat, or water, or anything else that a reasonable person, especially a PREGNANT WOMAN for heaven's sake, would generally deem necessary for hiking through the desert. Well, that's our Scully.

CC: Scully's pregnant?

Me: (groan)

CC: Oh yeah, I forgot. Huh, I wonder if Frank knows about that. How long does it take to have a baby, anyway? Like a year or something? A couple years?

DD: I think that's for elephants.

CC: Oh right, elephants. Well, I'll find out somehow. I have science advisory people for this kind of thing.

DD: Wait a minute, if Scully's pregnant, who's supposed to be the father, me? (turning to CC) I don't recall that having been written into my contract.

CC: Father, huh? I guess we do need one of those, if she's pregnant and all. Well, we'll figure that out when the time comes. No need to worry about it now.

Me: Yes, let's move on, shall we? Here's another Season 8 look, with extra-poufy hair -- actually, a little too poufy in my opinion -- and a turtleneck instead of an unbuttoned blouse. <CLICK> I like the color a lot, though I have to say I don't really care for the turtlenecks.

(stunned silence)

CC: You DON'T?

Bob: You DON'T?

DD: Jesus, even I like the turtlenecks.

Me: I know. I can't explain it either. I realize it's weird. I just think they make her head look big.

DD: Sheesh. And they say I'm hard to please.

JR: I don't think she's ever looked better. Now, if only she'd dress that way all the time, she wouldn't be so BLAH. And she needs to SMILE a little. SMILE!

Me: The makeup's good, anyway. But, come on, let's go to something else, I mean, this picture is from SUREKILL. It sort of hurts my eyes to look at it, just knowing it's from that episode.

CC: This episode was a bit of a departure for us, but it was a huge success with the fans. We're very proud of how it worked out. Very, very proud, and I think justifiably so.

Me: Chris, give it a rest, OK? Everyone, here we are at the very LAST picture of today's fashion review. <CLICK> It's from the episode Per Manum, and is an excellent example of the best Scullyhair of the season so far -- floof, floof, and more floof. Of course, that was merely for the purpose of differentiating her hair from the way it looked in the FLASHBACKS. (glaring at Chris)

CC: (beaming) We thought that was really a clever, wonderful way to work out what had happened --

Me: What you MEAN is, you had written yourselves into a corner and you were unable to get out without cheating, and by that I mean going back to a season that had already aired and rewriting the timeline, because that is, without a doubt, CHEATING, CHEATING CHEATING CHEATING. I hate you, Chris Carter. Glarrrrggglllrrrrrrllll!!!! (lapsing into inarticulate snarling)

Bob: (soothingly) There there. It's only a TV show, remember?

Me: (sniffling) Bob, I sometimes envy the perspective and detachment regarding this accursed show that you, the common man, possess in such blessed abundance. I salute you.

CC: Wait until you see what we have in store for Mulder and Scully at the end of this season. We're not done torturing them yet. Ohhhhhh, no. Heh heh heh heh heh. Not by a long shot. Don't get too attached to them. Or that baby. Or anyone else on the show. You like Skinner? HAHAHAHA! Krycek? OHOHOHOHO! How about Mrs. Scully? BWAHAHAHA! Lone Gunmen? MUAHA -- er, no, actually, they're safe for now, they've got their own series.

DD: (to me) Just keep reminding yourself that everyone involved, me included, is doing it solely for the money at this point. And that when everyone decides they have enough money, it'll end. (pause) I've got enough, I think.

CC: I don't know, Gillian and Robert have such fantastically amazing chemistry that I'm pretty sure the show could go on forever. I mean, the important thing is the scary stories that we tell, and there's been no sign of running out of those, has there?

Me: (lip tremble) Anyway, who wants to comment on Scully's delightful hair here? As the hair is, certainly, one of the few delights remaining for us in this series.

JR: I think she copied that hairstyle from a DOG.

Me: (wearily) You used that one already.

JR: Oh. Sorry.

Me: OK, Joan thinks Scully looks like a dog, I think that's all we're going to squeeze out of this weary panel. Now, only one task remains for us, and that's picking our Best and Worst. Joan, sort of ironic that in spite of my strong dislike for you and everything you stand for, I'm pretty much ripping off your format. Eh?

JR: No hard feelings.

Me: Thanks for not suing. OK, I'll start. For worst, I'm going to have to go with Maleeni hair. It just can't be beat. Man alive. Joan?

JR: Gillian Anderson. Ugh! She looks so dumpy. And she never smiles. Would it kill her to smile once in a while?

Me: Joan, EVERY picture is of -- oh, never mind. Chris?

CC: Actually, I feel that every episode we've looked at was a resounding success. I can't think of a single negative thing to say about any of them. (smiles)

Me: There's a surprise. David?

DD: I don't know. Why are we doing this? To be honest, I don't even remember how I got here.

Me: (narrowing eyes) Never mind that. Just pick something, would ya?

DD: I don't know, there was that time we had to wear that old people makeup, and we both looked like idiots. That episode was a pain in the ass.

Me: Well, we didn't examine Dod Kalm in this review, but that's actually about the show, so I'll give it to you. Well done! Stephen?

SH: I didn't really like any of them. I just don't care for overly large women. I like them somewhat petite, like the robot on Small Wonder.

Me: Uh-huh. And, finally, Bob?

Bob: I don't remember, sorry. She looks fine to me.

Me: Bob, again, I envy you. Sort of. Now, moving onto Best. I've got to say that, in spite of the ADORABLENESS of Scully in Arcadia, I think my pick is Pusher. She just looked so very lovely in Pusher. In every scene. Yes, Pusher. Next? Oh, you know what, never mind, none of you are going to say anything that makes sense anyway. The winner is <CLICK> Scully in Pusher. Panel, thank you very much for your time, it's been a pleasure having you.

JR: (fake squinty smile)

DD: OK, bye. (poised to make a run for it)

Bob: No problem, it was kind of fun, and I got to be on TV.

Me: Er, well, not TV exactly, but you get to be in the OBSSE Newsletter.

Bob: OK, I don't know what that is, but cool.

SH: If I have been of any help at all in ending the reign of terror of the monstrous she-trolls that continue to menace the earth, then I'm glad to have been here.

CC: Don't forget, watch The Lone Gunmen, Fridays at 9! There's something for everyone. You like hot chicks? We got one. Like good-looking guys? We have that too. Pratfalls? Oh, do we have pratfalls. OH, do we have pratfalls. Fridays at 9! Tell your friends! Fridays at --

Me: And that's all the time we have today. Until next time, this is Cathy B. saying, The Floof Is Out There. Heh heh. Heh.

DD: (long-suffering sigh)
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DISCLAIMER: Parody! No offense meant. Not real. Pretend. Kidding. (Except for the part about the turtlenecks.)