News for the OBSSEsed

Issue No. 24, June 1999

June is Busting Out All Over ... Hoo Boy!

Welcome to the STEALTH!June OBSSE Newsletter. We are in the process of some changes at the Abbey and the newsletter location may be moving from time to time over the next few months while the contractors finish the new newsletter wing. However, we will be doing the best we can to keep you all informed as to how to find the latest and greatest in News for the OBSSEsed. Since FEST '99 preparations are in full swing the newsletter this month is a little light, but hold on to your horses for the FEST EXTRAVAGANZA coming your way next month about this time. Thanks for your patience.

Autumn's Signature

Sister Autumn

OBSSE Scully Marathon a Smashing Success!

OBSSE Scully MarathonCoins filled the air around the world during the month of May as The Order of the Blessed St. Scully the Enigmatic (OBSSE), in cooperation with the Gillian Anderson Web Site (GAWS), held Scully Marathons to raise funds for Neurofibromatosis, Inc. (NF, Inc.).

OBSSE members and their friends spent a day watching The Blessed One in all her glory contributing donations and pledges all to say "Thank you" to Gillian Anderson for bringing Scully to life. The most popular event turned out to be the change toss in which coins were donated for everything from BadLiar!Scully to OurLittleSailor!Scully to Sensitive!Mulder (it can happen) to a particularly fetching outfit. If we liked it, we donated.

At the time of this writing, the OBSSE has raised over $10,000 for NF, Inc., and pledges are still rolling in. Congratulations to all who participated in this fabulous event, and a huge thank you to our own Sister La.. Dee.. Da.. for organizing this event. La.., you've made us all proud!

Be sure and make a special trip to the Marathon Website for the hilarious reports from the marathons worldwide and a special thank you to the participants from Gillian Anderson herself. It's never too early to start planning for next year's event, so save your coins - you'll need them next year when "Bad Blood" airs!

OBSSE FEST '99 T-Shirt Contest - We Have a Winner!

by Sister Autumn

Fest is Best!While 78 Brothers and Sisters pack their bags to head off to Winter Park, Colorado for the Second Annual OBSSEsed Fest, one lucky nun was the winner of the Design a T-Shirt for Fest contest. Sister 80k provided the winning entry that will be proudly worn during this year's event. In addition to winning a free T-Shirt herself, she is now the proud owner of the script to "Bad Blood".

The Elders would like to thank everyone who participated in the contest. There were some wonderful designs submitted and the final voting was very close.

Poll Results:

There once was an FBI Agent from Nantucket...

by Sister Paula R.

Scullyistic limericks. We asked for them last month and we got them. Thanks to all who contributed their clever verses - there were too many to list them all here. Kudos to Sister Benhur the Tongue-tied who weighed in with the following:

"Fowley, Melissa and X,
Deep Throat and Krycek (what pecs!)
Skinner and Mom,
Kresge, Mulder, got some
CC still won't let Scully have sex."

limerick.gifAlso from Sister Benhur the Tongue-tied:

"Starbuck was Ahab's smart daughter,
He taught her his love of the water.
Post Med school prospects now sunk,
She was teamed with a Punk--
Her family's now "lambs to the slaughter!"

"Scully's an FBI doctor.
Tragic family events haven't knocked her.
Her sister was killed,
By an assassin most-skilled,
And she works with a partner who mocked her."

"Scully foolishly loved a brother named Bill,
Met In San Diego one Christmas until,
They took Emily away
After only one day,
And now her procreative prospects are nil."

limerick.gifSister Flywoman:

"There was a young agent named Dana
Whose partner's pure Punkness would pain her
His deception and ditching
Were somehow bewitching
But a life with Ed Jerse would be saner!"

limerick.gifSister FortunateOne:

"Agent Fowley - her heart of obsidian -
has a manner most chill and ophidian.
Thus, she merits the prick
of a PornoNurse!Kick
to propel her beyond the meridian."

limerick.gifLu Ann Bradley:

"For someone who once rewrote Einstein
She's currently walking a fine line
With a partner whose yen
For little green men
Will probably shorten her lifetime."

limerick.gifTed Ollier:

"An agent in a fetching white tee
Went vacationing down by the sea
But some toys in the attic
Gave her cell-phone some static
Chinga! There's no warrantee."

limerick.gifSister Larie:

"Our Saint stood before a cadaver
The moment of truth was before her.
With medical science
And lab staff compliance
She'll prove wrong that damn Punkish Mulder."


"It can't be beyond all our ken,
to think Scully could not have a yen
for a hunky tatooed guy,
(though some might wonder why)
Quoth the Raven "That Thread! Never Again!"


A magician's trick? Or is there a Scullyistic Rational Explanation....

by Sister Paula R.

HowCouldThis Be?

In Biogenesis, Sandoz is explaining the extraterrestrial origin of the artifact to Scully at Albert Hosteen's bedside. Suddenly, the artifact starts spinning and Scully swiftly smacks it to a stop. Surely she had an SRE - and we'd like to hear it. For this month's poll, please provide us with Scully's SRE for why the artifact was spinning.



Are you an OBSSE Member? Yes No


Cheese!Nanchita's Snack Corner

by Nanchita

"Even though I walk through the Valley of the Summer of Endless Reruns,
I fear no Rampant Pissiness, for Thou art with me.
The refrigerator and Domino's speed-dial, they comfort me
Thou dost make lovely spinach dip and gnocci from TV Guide recipes
Thou hast annointed my bruschetta with olive oil
My frosted beer stein overflows.
Surely Cheesewhiz and Pace Picante Sauce will stay with me
All the days of my life
And I will dwell in the Abbey of Her Pantsuitedness forever and ever, amen."
----The Book of Psnacks 23:4-6

As quoted by Xenanchita, Warrior Snack Princess, recently, when asked for her suggestion as to how we were going to survive another long hot summer with no new episodes until November. So idiotic was my question, I learned, it earned me a sharp smack to the head with a pizza pan, followed by a sample cheese biscuit of truce. We're very pleased to introduce a few comfort food recipes from our very own Sister Nanchita, Snack Expert Extraordinaire, who knows the way to a brother's or sister's heart in more ways than one. -- Sister Paula R.

This month's edition of Nanchita's Snack Corner is focused on....cheese! Cheese is always a popular snack choice and since this month we are dealing with the trauma that is saying goodbye to the X-Files for the summer, here are two recipes that should help you through your summer or reruns fabulously.

The first recipe is wonderful as a light snack, just a little something to tide you over, something to satisfy that cheddar craving that we all get sometimes.

[Ed. note: trust me not to argue about the "light snack" and "just a little something" here. If Nanchita says butter mixed with cheese is light, then so be it. We'll just pretend it's Weight Watchers. It's *just a little something*. ]

Just a Little Something Cheese Biscuits

1/2 cup unsalted butter, at room temperature
2 cups shredded sharp Cheddar cheese
1 cup all-purpose flour
1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper, more if desired
Pinch of salt, if desired

Using your hands or the back of a spoon, cream the butter and cheese together until they are well melded.

Add the flour and mix well, using your fingertips. The mixture should look like coarse cornmeal. Add salt if desired. Add cayenne pepper and mix together very well.

Roll out the dough onto a lightly floured board and form two long, thin rolls, one to one and a half inches in diameter. Wrap each roll in plastic wrap or foil and place in a refrigerator until they are firm, one to two hours. They may be kept longer, if desired, or even frozen, just make sure they are carefully wrapped so they don't dry out.

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Cut each roll into slices about one-quarter-inch thick. Arrange the slices on an ungreased cookie sheet, their edges not touching. Bake for 5 to 10 minutes, until brown around the edges and dry in the middle. Serve immediately or let cool and store in a cookie tin until ready to serve.



Back-to-Back World Champion Denver Bronco's Queso Dip

(This is Sister Autumn's super special secret chili con queso dip. I shouldn't be giving this recipe out but I thought the Sisters and Brothers of the Order could be entrusted with this, the most powerful of cheese snacks. Don't tell where you got the recipe.)
[Ed. note: we would never, ever tell. ;)]

1 lb pork sausage, hot (don't be messing with mild sausage)
1 can Rotel diced tomatoes
1 big block of Velveeta
Lawry's Season Salt to taste

Brown the sausage, adding a shower of Lawry's Season Salt. When it is cooked, drain the grease and dump into a crock pot. While the sausage is cooking, chop up the large block of Velveeta cheese food into cubes and microwave about a quarter of the block at a time until it's melted. Dump Velveeta into the crock pot. Add Rotel tomatoes and stir. Adjust heat on crock pot so that queso stays warm but doesn't burn.

Serve with ample chips and Scullyritas.


Vanity Fair Proust Questionnaire:
Special Agent Dana Scully

by Nancy Cotton

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
A tub with bubbles and chocolate and music and a good book and a good man straddling

What or who is the greatest love of your life?
I need to Mulder...I mean...mull that over a bit.

What is your current state of mind?

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
I'd be a blonde. No. Really.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Being right all the time. And so fair. I'm also judicious. And unbelievably responsible. Some even call me "saintly." It's such a burden.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Using one's pinky to pick sunflower seed husks out of one's teeth. It's disgusting.

What is your most treasured possession?
My cross...and my Playgirl collection.

What is your greatest fear?
Government Conspiracies
What? I only get one?

What is your greatest extravagance?
Push-up bras.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Being this God-damn HOT and still not getting a date. Sigh.

What is your favorite journey?
Well it wasn't that fluke thing, I can tell you that.

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?

Which talent would you most like to have?
To sing well. Hell, I'd just like to be able to carry a tune.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
I'm not certain. I believe that everything I say is just fine.

Who is your favorite hero of fiction? Okay. It's Xena. All right? But I never said that. I wasn't here. And if you tell anyone, you're a dead man. Got it?

Who is your hero in real life?
If I say Eleanor Roosevelt do I get marked down?

If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?
A cell phone. I believe that's the only way I will ever get Mulder to push my button, if you know what I mean.

What is your motto?
I'm fine. No really. I am. Quit staring! Are we done yet?

by Sister Autumn T.

As you might guess I am busy preparing for FEST, but still, because of my selfless nature - you know I do it all for you - I'm taking time out of my busy schedule to help the Brothers and Sisters of the Order who so desperately need my guidance. My kindness knows no bounds. But you all know that. I know these people's lives can simply not go on until they hear my valuable wisdom. Excuse me while I wipe a tear from my eye. Remember, no problem is too big or too small for me to mock. Just write to me at Ask Sister Autumn and find out the hard way.

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Dear Sr. Autumn,

I am a very recent addition to the OBSSE, and I must say I am honored. I do, however, have a predicament that has been bothering me for quite some time. Recently, in the Dreamland episodes, there was a character on the X-Files that was named after me. Morris Fletcher's daughter was named Christine, and that is my name....Christine Fletcher. It seems to me that this could be a blessing or a curse. Either way, I know for sure that TBO has heard my name before, which makes me feel blessed. I guess the predicament here is that I am not sure as to regard this as an honest coincedence, or to regard it as a calling to me by TBO. Seeing as how you are all knowing and all wise, could you tell me if it was a blessed event?

Gratefully and humbly,

Sr. Fletch


Dear Fletch (BTW, for some reason your name gives me scary Chevy Chase flashbacks),

I hate to break this to you, but I feel I must. Having Mulder or worse yet the overacting guest actor of the week say your name is not what one would call an honor or a blessing. Especially if your namesake is a whiny snot who wants a nose ring. If I were you I'd hope and pray it was a coincidence. It is only when The Blessed One herself utters your name over the Holy Cell Phone forever immortalizing you as a thoroughfare such as, say, just as an example, "Nance Road" or "Autumn Terrace" that you experience Her Radiance like a pair of bright headlights on the street of life.

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Dear Autumn, whose every word is like manna from the heavens,

I have a huge problem, one so big that I felt the need to get another e-mail address to maintain my anonymity. Here's the thing: I don't really like the X-Files anymore. My favorite show is Xena: Warrior Princess, for a lot of reasons, not the least of which is that Lucy Lawless has thin, straight, almost stringy hair that I have a shot at emulating. We all know that Gillian Anderson has thick, luxurious, wavy hair with lots of body, and I have given up hoping for that. As we speak, I'm growing out my wannabe season-four 'do, well on my way to Xena!hair. (It's almost shoulder-length now!) I would sooner dye it black than red.

Anyway, this is a problem because I'm hopelessly attached to all things OBSSE (except the X-Files, of course). I'm registered for FEST and everything. I just don't know what to do...should I keep this fact my dirty little secret, or should I come out of the closet as an ex-phile? At FEST, should I tell anyone, even my roommates, about my affliction? How should I handle myself?


Not Who I Am


Dear She That Is Not (At least I hope you are a Sister, the idea of one of our Brother's sporting a Scully or Xena 'do is a little disconcerting even for me),

Some would call you petty for basing your enjoyment of a television show on whether or not you could share a hairstyle with the lead actress. I shall just congratulate you on your noble quest for almost stringy hair. It should make you easier to pick out at FEST. You know, that little event where members of the Order convene from all over the globe to revel in the glory that is Scully's hair. You remember Her right? Maybe if you just shot for the wet look of Agua Mala hair you could be happy and we wouldn't be forced to make you watch "Milagro" at plam point during FEST until you see the error of your ways and can recite Padgett's entire description of Scully and her titian hair with glassy eyed bliss.

----------letter.gif (100 bytes)

Oh, She-At-Whose-Feet-I-Am-Not-Even-Worthy-To-Bow (grovel maybe, but not bow),

I am having a spiritual crisis.

It began last night, as I was driving home. There I was, happily driving up 101, when I see a car a few lanes over with a strange blueish light shining in the passenger seat. Now, only the front passenger seat is illuminated, so it can't be the general interior light. And it was such a strange blueish color! Looked downright unearthly. Anyway, my first thought was, "All right, so this light is centered on one spot and is an unnatural color. What, it's an alien?" This thought was *very* sarcastic, naturally, but it still absolutely freaked me out that my first thought would be of aliens, and not an SRE! But then I wondered if it wasn't all right after all, since the thought had been purely sarcastic, not even a *hint* of true belief that it could be an alien, and Her Pantsuitedness has been known to be somewhat sarcastic of the Punk. For his own good, of course.

What do you think? Was it a heretical thought that must be severely squelched? Or healthy sarcasm?(healthy for certain ditch-prone parties, that is) I don't know what to think anymore!



Dear Pip,

I think you need to keep your eyes on the road or you'll be seeing red and blue lights which I can guarantee will not be alien in nature. Also, just a tip. Should that happen sarcasm is not the best course. Trust me.

----------letter.gif (100 bytes)

Dearest Sister Autumn, whose trout-wielding skills are known (and feared) both far and near,

I have been a Sister since last fall. Lately on the mailing list there have been many discussions about Our Little Sailor's most fantabulous outfits. I thought I was doing fine when I finally managed to snag a black suit that looked like it came right out of "The Ghosts That Stole Christmas", but then, while walking through a department store, I saw *it*. A linen safari jacket a la "Fight The Future." Now I have been hunting for one of these jackets since the movie came out. Unfortunately, this one was beige. Knowing how a good many members of the Order feel about Scully's "beige suit period," would it be a big ball of wrong for me to add this jacket to my wardrobe?

Quaking in her practical 2-inch heels,

Sister Exsanguinate


Exsanguinate (that's a greeting not a command),

Yes, dear Sister, there was a time that is known in X-Files lore as "the unfortunate beige period". However, the reason for this label is not that all things beige are bad, but instead that Scully seemed simply incapable of wearing a suit of any other color. (Much like her fixation on black clothes this season). However, as we now know The Blessed One finally broke free from her dark confines and sported a beige jacket herself during soul searching moments of the season finale. So, buy it in good faith, but remember as Her Pantsuitedness does that beige does tend to show blood, sludge, and goo more than black.

----------letter.gif (100 bytes)

Bless me, oh wise and demurely megalomaniacal Autumn, whom a certain Sister says I am having tendencies toward, but deny the possibility of possessing such jovial fortitude, for I have sinned:

I tried to go it the Saintly way, but after many, many tests involving everything from plywood, mops, silly string, lime AND cherry jello, a backyard barbeque, Wet-T-shirt!Scully graphologies, and watching Memento Mori to the musical stylings of award winning singer songwriter Jewel, I came to two undeniable conclusions.

Wet is good, I'm no good at investigating, and wet is really good. I guess that's three. Whatever. Then I realized something. It's All About Autumn. So, at risk of life, limb and troutslap, I present the question which I was forced into asking by some Sisters and a Brother who will remain nameless. Lets just call them, oh, I don't know, Chish, Surreal, and Marie, AKA The - I.

You see for some reason this sister, whom I will call Marie, says that I have Elder tendencies (don't ask me, they're her delusions of my grandeur -hey! on-topic does not include DD's wife's preggo hairdo!- Ahem. Sorry.) Anyhow, she has dubbed me an Elder-In-Waiting. She, as I'm sure you know, is a little unstable. I mean, you've seen those crayons, so in the interest of personal safety I decided to play along. Bad idea. This Elder-In-Waiting thing has taken on a life of its own; it's all she calls me at chat! Where was I? Oh yes. That.

So she decided that I needed an Elder object. Afterall, La.. has her baton, Nance her handcuffs, you your trout, so what do I get? Trout eggs. Appropriate for Elder-In-Waiting, no? Anyhow Marie suggested I get them from you. Well then Chish stuck her pretty little nose in with the question: "Are her trout even female?" Which begged the question: "If so, are they egg-plentiful? And if so, isn't that sacriligious?"

Elder-In-Waitingly yours,

Minor Shannon


Dear Minor, Who, I might add, is going to be waiting a long long time,

Where to start. First, I suspect being called an "Elder in Waiting" is not a compliment. What your friends are really trying to tell you is that you are very bossy. Second, being an Elder of the OBSSE is not for everyone, just those who like to spend countless hours of their personal time doing things for everyone and being on the receiving end of all the whining in the Order. Doesn't get much more fun than that, let me tell you. Third, let's examine the word Elder as compared to the word Minor. Doesn't look good. Fourth, impersonating an Elder is never a good thing. Let's not forget the time I had to lock poor Sister Boris in the basement for a few weeks when she got uppity. Fifth, the icons are not given they just happen. You can't go looking for such things. And lastly, I do not examine trout genitalia but I do know mine is full of tic-tacs, not eggs, and frankly I do not know what that means in the grand scheme of things.

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Dear Sister Autumn Whom I Hold Upon A Pedestal Higher Than Our Saint's Breasts In Her Push-Up Bra,

I come to you seeking wisdom. My parents, in their infinite sillyness, birthed me too late to attend this year's Fest, as I will still be 17. (Four *freaking* months, is that too much to ask?) My heart aches, but, thinking rationally as OBSSErs are wont to do, I decided it was okay because Colorado is sort of out of my vacation zone anyway. My plan is to attend my first Fest in 2000, which I have heard will be held in Boston. I've got roommates. I've got money. My problem is, I don't have my mother's support. She's not *against* the Order, per se; she just doesn't understand the internet. She's seen too many stories about pedophiles and axe-murderers wandering around the internet, though I do understand her fears. She doesn't realize what a clever, fun, mature bunch of Nuns will be gathering together. Now, being a legal adult (sooner or later, anyway), I plan on attending Fest with or without my mother's support. However, I'd really like to go with it, because I love my mom and enjoy a rather close relationship with her, and I don't want to jeopardize that. Plus, if she gives the okay I get to drive the Sundance. So how can I show her that it really is okay for me to attend Fest? I beg for your wisdom. Help me, Sister Autumn, you're my only hope.

--Sister Jaina Abducted


Dear Jaina,

First, we are not really sure where FEST will be located next year so do not set your sights on one particular location just yet. As for your issue with your mother all I can say is that the best way for her to understand the Order is for you to introduce her to it. My Mom is not very internet savvy herself, but I talk to her about my friends here and when she visits I let her read the newsletters. You might want to sit your mom down and have her read last year's FEST newsletter and the extravaganza that is sure to be produced after BeaverPalooza. Take her through the picture scrapbook. Anyone scared of us after viewing that is probably frightened of muppets and thinks Mr. Rogers is a serial killer.

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Dear Sister Autumn, she who so eloquently puts the wis back in wisdom,

I am in desparate need of assistance. It seems that my Significant Other (hereafter referred to as Jack) has slipped into some sort of bizarre withdrawal phase. He has become infatuated with Her Earthly Incarnation and leaves the house once a day to go see Playing by Heart. I've tried to talk to him, but alas, he is even considering taking a break from watching XF. He says that Saint Scully "never smiles" and is therefore "too morose for my tastes." He now does nothing but crouch in the basement and sing various songs with 'Monday' in the title. Other times he just stares at pictures of Her Earthly Incarnation and groans loudly.

All of this has happened because he turned on Net Nanny and he can't figure out how to turn it off. The Net Nanny gleefully blocks anything with an X in the title, preventing him from taking in his favorite XF sites. What am I to do? Help me before he becomes a Mulderist.

Crying out for help and assistance,

Sister Brass of the 6 X-Philes of Separation


Dear Sister Brass,

I'm guessing by the time that you read this your problem may already be solved with the back to back Scully laughing extravaganza that was "The Unnatural" and "Three of a Kind". Still, I must say I am a little disappointed that you were unable to convince him that Scully does indeed smile without these desperate measures. Surely, surely you know every episode in which we see The Blessed One grace us with her delightful smile. I mean for crying out loud even such otherwise utterly unredeeming episodes such as "Space" and "The List" contain them. Sister Brass, the smiles are there, you just need to know where to look. And as for Jack and his obsession perhaps Net Nanny is a good thing lest he start downloading the stills from "The Turning" as well.

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Dear Sister Autumn,

I need your guidence. I haven't watched a truly good Scully episode in God-knows-when. I've forgotten all the good quotes. I haven't been here at all this year. And-and-and....(I'm so ashamed of him) my dog ATE my action figure of greatness' head off! He completely chewed it off! Of course, I had a VERY large funeral for my most loved figure, but that's not the point!

Am I so far gone that I can't ever come back to the world of her divineness? Am I doomed forever to sit in darkness without St. Scully's light? And if not, WHERE can I get another Scully action figure?

Please help me, Oh wise one. I don't know what to do!

Waiting desperately for help,

Sister (Oh no! I've forgotten my name! I think it'! That's it!) Sister Black Katz(I think)


Dear Ms. Katz,

We are not amused.

Have you ever thought of doing your hair like Xena?

Member Musings

by Sister Lens-of-Science

This month continues with showcasing testimonials from our Brethren or Sistren each month, bearing witness to the Glory that is Her Blessed Pantsuitedness. If, in reading these words, you feel called, er, Called, that is, to bear witness yourself, send your testimony to Sister Lens-of-Science.

cross.gifSister Steph-Tacs Testifies to the Greatness of Saint Scully:

When I first joined OBSSE, I was just another fantasy-prone personality, a phile who hung around ATX for lack of anything better to do with my time. I was messed up: I was addicted to tic-tacs, I had WAY wrong hair, and Prancy was my middle name. (Well, not really, but I figure that "Diane" is just one vowel away from it.) Then, I signed up and changed my life. Now I'm a *distinct* fantasy-prone personality, a phile who never goes to ATX unless someone at OBSSE tells me to. I've cleaned up: I'm down to two boxes of tic-tacs a day, I've accepted my wrong hair as something I cannot change, and Diane is still my middle name. And I spend entirely too much time e-mailing.

cross.gifFrom Sister Isabel:

"1)The main reason I keep watching the X-files is because of Scully.
2) In the episodes where Scully is hardly in it or is nonexistent, I can be found doing laundry or ironing.
3) I think Mulder's a "Punk". :)"

cross.gifFrom Sister Jen Briasco::

"I would make a good member to the OBSSE because I believe, as do the brothers and sisters of this order, that Scully is the
Sainted One, and Mulder is the tag along lackey basking in her skeptical glow, begging for acceptance. I am accepting of Mulderists -- after all, the Sainted One likes Mulder so much, how can we dislike him or his followers? -- but regard their jokes with little more than a raised eyebrow and a smirk.

I have always been a supporter of St. Scully, even in chat rooms full of Mulderists, and tried to convince them that Scully is the Sainted One, not Mulder but it doesn't always work. I feel sorry for those poor misguided Mulderists..."

cross.gifFrom Sister Candie:

"My liver was actually eaten by a mutant, but I'm sure science will save me."

cross.gifFrom Sister Ishmaela:

"I started devotedly watching the X-Files this year, and Scully has become a model for my life. I came to this site, and I felt like I was home."

cross.gifFrom Sister Sheep:

"I try to keep the spirit of TBO close to my heart at all times and was very grumpy last week when I was unable to view her further adventures due to the large men in small uniforms who invaded Fox. I am trying to become right-haired, although my slow-witted slow-growing hair has yet to co-operate. My favorite colour is grey. Also I have this poster in my room of TBO and her punkish partner and I frequently talk to her, to seek her advice or commend her recent behaviour. Sometimes when she looks sad I sing to her..."

cross.gifFrom Sister Aspen:

"I have come to realize that I practice the tenets and principles of St. Scully in daily life. I look for scientific explanations in all things. I prefer pantsuits to dresses or skirts for work attire. I have defended her character to unbelievers. Plus, I make really good 'ritas."

cross.gifFrom Sister Scullyfu:

"I have always had a special affinity for TBO. Her voice, her smile ... her arched eyebrow. The success of this show lies solely on the tiny shoulders of our blessed St. Scully. She is the reason I tune in week after week. I watch her every movement, eye twitches included, she says so much by saying so little. She can communicate telepathically. She truly is The One. I constantly think of her and have even had apparitions. Every waking moment is spent meditating on her glorious beauty and wisdom. Besides if you don't let me into the Abbey, I'll cry...

cross.gifA Prayer By Sister Mandy (aka the 'fiery little jew')

Scully's Lament
(To the tune of Galileo by the Indigo Girls)

A new X-File was on Mulder's desk
Our job was looking for the truth
And as the bombshells of his wild theories explode
I try to find some solid proof

But then he had to bring up hybridization
Which makes so sense in a scientific light
And now I'm serving time for my mistake
Saying that there's no such thing as lost time

How long till I get to be right?
Why does my punkish partner always get to see the light?
I call on Creator Chris to answer me this
Why can't I ever have the insight?

Then I think about my own abduction
Which I never could explain
And when I do concede that aliens were involved
Turns out it all took place in some train


I'm not making a joke
When I say it can all be explained so rationally
But if we wait for a time till I get to be right
Then at least we know the show will last well into syndication
Because they *never* let me be right...

(guitar solo)

I offer thanks to Mister Carter
That's all I've got to say
Is maybe you wanted a Smudge when you wrote me
Now you'll have to pay!

'Cause even when you give me no kind of inspiration
I still don't let you off the hook
And I say "look how insipid all eight of my lines are
I'll say it all with a look!"

How long till I get to be right (till I get to be right)
Does any female character ever get to see the light
Except for Fowley-oh! That worthless ho
Carter, please give me the last insight!

May is a mixed bag here in the fanfic picks column. I think I've got a little of everything, but oddly it seems Scully gets laid in every story. Hmm. What could that mean? I guess spring is definitely in the air. "Milagro" had nothing to do with it. Really.

Remember, if you've got recommendations, please email them to me at


MD is one of those authors who has been around a long time and is always worth a read. While the stories tend towards the romantic there is always a strong sense of character in them that manages to touch me in some way. I've read a lot of fanfic, but nothing quite like "Jasper's Last Thought" that has Scully being taken again and returned, this time remembering everything and trying to get away to a simple life. If you liked that, try the longer Action!Scully adventure "Erlona's Heart" or
"The Rarity of The Human Connection And Several Months Missed " in which Scully must deal with a world that thinks she is dead.


I usually don't like crossovers that much. I read X-Files fanfic because I like the characters of Scully and that other guy not some other show. I'd heard about this story called "Homicidal Tendencies" for a while. The problem was it was a crossover with "Homicide: Life on the Streets" and while I'd heard that was a great show I'd never watched it. Thankfully one night when I was bored I cracked this story anyway. I cannot recommend it highly enough. It didn't matter that I had never watched the other show. This author brings all the characters alive in a stunning way. Plus, it has something for everyone: a tremendous and frightening X-File case, some Scully/other action, Scully/Mulder angst, and Mulder/Scully action - all brilliantly written. It will leave you begging for more, and thankfully more is on its way. All of Swikstr's work can be found at this website.

Izzy Izenthe

So I just get done telling you I don't much care for crossovers and my next pick is guess what? Another crossover. This one is very near and dear to my heart as I'm a fan of the movie "The Hunger" and have always wondered what would happen if Scully were to meet up with Susan Sarandon's character Sarah from that film. She is after all, a vampire. Thankfully Izzy indulged that wish and does not disappoint with a gripping and sexy tale in "Haemophilus". Don't let the fact that this is Scully slash scare you away (unless of course you are under 18 and should not be reading such things no matter who Scully sleeps with). This one is worth checking out a genre you might usually avoid. Trust me. All of Izzy's twisted tales can be found at this website.

Ford and Ursula Luxem

This novel length recommendation deals with Scully journeying to Salt Lake City to assist another FBI agent whose fiance' was killed in the tragedy at Ruskin Dam. A Scully/other story rife with conspiracy, Mulder jealousy, and tension "Touching Jericho" is a great read. You can read the rest of their work here.

Special thanks to our Elder of the Newsletter Sister Paula R. for putting this issue together, Sister La..Dee..Da.. for all of her fine graphic work, and to all our writers and contributors.

"News for the OBSSEsed"/OBSSE is copyright 1997-99 by Nancy Cotton.