Issue No. 5, July 1997

Well friends, it's July. The Queequeg Days of Summer are upon us. I'm happy to report, however, that the heat has yet to beat the Brothers and Sisters. In fact, if anything, it's stirred everyone up. I am constantly amazed at the incredibly clever, funny, poignant, weird, and wacky material that gets sent my way from OBSSE members, a sample of which is contained in this month's newsletter. In fact, we're featuring articles from two brand spanking new OBSSE members that I'm sure you will find funky but delightful. (Brother Creepy? Sister Becca M.? Consider yourselves advanced to Novices!)

Speaking of which...

To be honest, I'm growing tired of this whole Postulant/Novice thing. It's just another administrative detail that the OBSSE leaders have to keep up with and file, and you KNOW how much we like to file. So, in the coming weeks, we will likely change the Rules of the Order to provide for two phases of OBSSE membership: 1) Postulants (who send e-mail asking for admittance), and 2) OBSSE Brethren and Sistren (which everyone will be once they are admitted). Of course, we'll still retain the special category of "Full and Professed Members" for the founding OBSSE mothers and fathers (Sister AutumnT, Sister La..Dee..Da.., Brother Nick, Sister Sharon Lu, Sister Monet etc.). These folks have been with the Order since the beginning and have helped to set it up, keep it going, and have generally fought the good Scullycentric Fight on USENET and the XF mailing lists. "Full and Professed" is just my little way of acknowledging them and saying, "thanks."

Okay, let's dive in, shall we? This month, practice Sister Becca M's exercises to battle, "Simple Word Syndrome;" discover more words of wisdom from our own Dear Abby of the Abbey, Sister AutumnT; try your hand at a summer craft project by Brother Creepy; get a glimpse of XF Down Under from Sister Holly; and check out the results of the, "Is St. Scully in on IT?" poll. (Plus a whole lot more.)

Hope you're having fun this summer. Be safe. Be sensible. And of course, Be Scullyistic.

Yours in St. Scully,
Sister Nancy (no clever sig)

by Sister Rebecca Myers

Last month, the OBSSE warned you about Post Season Finale Depression Disorder (PSFDD). Now Sisters and Brothers, in conjunction with this illness, we run the risk of contracting what those in the scientific community have identified as, "Simple Word Syndrome (SWS)" (also referred to in popular culture as, "It's A Small Small Word" or "Small Potatoes").

When the temperature rises, an X-Phile's level of intelligence steadily declines. (There's um, some graph out there that algebraically supports this, you know, using ratios to prove suppositions....but unfortunately, this graph was taken.) Simple Word Syndrome is NOT a disease to treat lightly. I speak as one in remission. Even last week my symptoms flared up again. For example, in re-watching TFWID, I happened to remark to a friend as she returned with a bowl of popcorn:

"Scully and Mulder just found those people in that underground thing."
'Underground thing?!' Many argue that Mulder's scrunch face during regression therapy is frightening...well, I mean it IS...but vocabulary black holes are worse! Somehow, the word 'bunker' was temporarily eradicated from my memory. How does this happen? Is it the result of a government conspiracy? A reverse form of memory implantation? Did someone give me this disease to make others believe???

Thousands are infected on a daily basis. Currently, there is no cure. However, the disease can be successfully tempered through a careful emulation of Saint Scully. Never at a loss for big words, our divine red-head can spit out textbook sentences faster than Mulder can ditch. To prevent your own private well of words from drying up, the OBSSE and I hereby prescribe a few daily exercises. I recommend you do them in X-cess:

Exercise No. 1:
Say Anything

In this exercise, YOU are Dana Scully. Dust off those old video tapes, become familiar with the remote control, and upon finding an instance where your instinct insists that Scully should have theorized more to Mulder, simply freeze-frame on Punk's face and have your say. This is a rewarding way to enhance your vocabulary. Rather than recite your own monologues, take those from past episodes and re-insert them. Mulder has to listen because YOU are in control; plus, you learn hard forensics words. For example, Scully wrote a moving case report in "Sleepless" that never received a proper on-screen reading. Sure, she typed it into her computer and we heard her mind's inner voice, but come on! Scully's divine wisdom deserved a slow, drawn out deliverance to an audience of at LEAST Mulder! I've found cutting and pasting this monologue into "Never Again" helps alleviate my own Simple Word Syndrome:

Mulder: "All this because I wouldn't get you a desk?"

Scully: "Mulder, not everything is about you. Also described in the report is a highly experimental neurosurgical procedure, designed to induce a permanent waking state. The procedure involved cutting part of the brain stem in the midpontile region. Post-opt treatment included a regiment of synthetic supplements to replenish organic deficits. This is MY life."

Exercise No. 2:

Peruse your local library's scientific journals. Marvel over recent discoveries. Pick out big words. Write these big words down. Then, practice using your newly acquired vocabulary, say, while playing Jenga at a party. Do not let unfamiliarity with big word context be a deterrent in publicly displaying your knowledge! No one will understand you anyway, and hey, you'll sound real smart. Can't remember long words, you say? Scatter flashcards around the house or the office. Make a vocabulary mobile to hang from your rear-view mirror. Attach post-its to the autopsy table. Or write big words in bathroom stalls to compensate for small-word graffiti. Your life will improve. And again, context is purely secondary. Why just yesterday I used these Scientific!Scully words to get rid of a telemarketer.

"I'm fine, just mixing batter with my zygomatic and putting vitellogenesis in the oven."


Exercise No. 3:
Hooked on Phonics Worked for Me

This is another, "assume the role of Saint Scully" exercise. Pick an episode that needed, how shall I phrase this...major overhaul? Now ask yourself the following questions: "How would a big Scully word have improved my viewing experience? Would this big word have explained away continuity problems, say like Cancer Man suddenly pushing 70 because of Gestapo involvement? And if Scully had used said big word, would Mulder have made a scrunch face reminiscent of Han Solo frozen?" Um, O.K., obviously the episode I have in mind is "The Field Where I Died." Imagine, if you will, a change in script:

*The following is taken from, "The Field Where I Found Dieldrin":

Scully: "Mulder, don't go any further! That's the field where I just found Dieldrin, a persistent chlorinated hydrocarbon insecticide. You're breathing fumes Mulder, you're hallucinating! There is no Sullivan Biddle! You need medical attention, you need help!"

Mulder: (collapsing amid the dust): You're right, Scully. You're always right. And I, I have been so blind. This is the new Mulder. The old Mulder perished in an act of self-reliance ages ago, and the new Mulder, he sees only the goal in sight, again. (warm embrace and passionate kiss follows).

The End.

Exercise No. 4:
A Cetacean of A Tale

This is a great exercise for those of a literary bent who are simply in a summer slump. Saint Scully, we all know, is fond of paralleling her life to "Moby Dick." For immediate Simple Word Syndrome relief, start referring to your father as Captain Ahab. Sign your checks Starbuck. Call all pets Queequeg--dogs, fish, pythons, whatever. Then X-pand your Melville vocabulary beyond the Saint Scully realm. Ring up your best friend and ask for Ishmael. Paint, in capital letters the word, "PEQUOD" on both sides of your Taurus. At work, speak casually of your next major project as "Moby Dick." Read about whaling and impress family and colleagues with your detailed knowledge of the heidelburgh tun and ambergris.

Exercise No. 5:
Bad-Mouth Mulder

This is my favorite combatant against SWS. Get out Webster's, find a scientific non-simple sounding word, practice speaking it before a mirror, and when you've built up enough confidence and angst, use your word to cuss out Mulder. Really let 'em have it. He ditched you, gave you a paperwork assignment, and suddenly, your cell phone rings...what do you do? Do you say, "Mulder, I'm fine?" Of course not. Perhaps, with your new found vocabulary, you scream at the top of your cancer-free lungs:

"Mulder you are such a DRUPE!!"
Now wasn't that rewarding? A drupe, boys and girls, is a one-seeded indehiscent fruit having a hard, bony endocarp. Yep, fits him to a tee. A well executed eyebrow arch, I might add, improves deliverance.

With these exercises, no one must needlessly suffer through SWS. Seek treatment through the OBSSE. Do so for Saint Scully and because...well...treatment is a...good...thing. Now excuse me while I go make things... I mean flash cards. 

by Sister Autumn T.

Dear Sisters & Brothers:

Thank you once again for your questions. I hope that you will find my advice in all things Scully a light upon your path of following the Blessed One. If you suffer trials, tribulations, or just a split second confusing moment, send it along in an E-mail to Ask Sister Autumn, and I'll do my best to help in your time of need. I know things can get especially trying during these long summer months as is evidenced by the serious nature of the questions I've been receiving of late. Remember, I'm here to help.

Dear Sister Autumn:

As a new member to the Order, I have a desperate question to ask you. Recently, I saw the following paragraph in my school newspaper: "It's believed that TV 'icons' such as Agents Mulder and Scully (The X-Files), Tiger Woods, or David Letterman are all people we can look up to, although they've done little to earn such adulation. Agent Mulder is obsessed, thinking that the government us corrupt, (well, it might be, but that's not the point here) even though he is considered a 'public servant' by being an FBI agent. Agent Scully had a one night stand with the guy who had a mutant tattoo."

As a member of the Order, I feel it is my duty to correct that little misprint (and the whole fact that she HAS done something to merit our adulation!). How should I politely tell the ignoramus who wrote that that he is wrong?

Sister MSpooky

Oh my Sister MSpooky!

Dear, a heathen is in your midst. Don your Scully cross at once, and please be careful! To compare our Dear St. Scully to someone as base as David Letterman-- who not only has treated the lovely and talented Gillian Anderson rudely but actually thinks the X-Files is about aliens with green hair-- is bad enough, but to insist that The Blessed One has done nothing to earn our adulation? Excuse me, I feel faint. The good Reverend Mother may have to wave Margarita salts under my nose.

Luckily, it should be an easy exercise to show this person for the fool he or she is. The events of "Never Again," which are even misconstrued by the author (as to whether or not she had a one night stand is open to debate and the tattoo was not a mutant tattoo, it was an evil, winking, talking tattoo-- sheesh) are irrelevant in this case. Any number of examples of the loyalty, friendship, strength, and purity of character of St. Scully can be cited with ease. I suggest you sit yourself down for a lovely evening of "Beyond the Sea", "Irresistible", and "Revelations" - then put pen to paper and straighten out that cretin. You are right though to try to remain polite, after all, even St. Scully addresses murderous alien bounty hunters who beat her up as, "sir".

Sister Autumn:

Why does the Blessed One keep acting like an emotional teenager? She tells everybody but the Punk what a source of strength he is for her, and yet all we ever see is him walking away (or staying put while she walks away). Do he and the Blessed One cuddle and cry while we're not looking? I realize (the heresy) that this is only fiction [and unfortunately, I'm about to be serious], but I look up to the character, and I've been with someone as they died, and to see her not getting what she needs and pretending she bugs me. I don't think it's a great message to be sending out from our otherwise perfect one.

Brother Ed

Brother Ed:

The relationship between St. Scully and the Punk is one of great mystery, meaningful eye contact, raised eyebrows, puppy dog looks, and far, far too few actual spoken feelings. We have actually seen more "cuddle and cry" moments this season than I think all others combined. I would suggest that "emotional teenager" is a bit harsh of a description, but many in the OBSSE share your sadness for St. "I'm fine" Scully's seemingly constant state of denial. The Perfect One does have her human frailties, and this, dear brother, is one of them. Please consider, however, that perhaps Mulder is a source of strength for her (of course she doesn't have many folks left to turn to). Remember that she does not want to be pitied. She wants to work. She wants to be fine. He did help her through her ordeal in an amazingly unselfish manner in "Memento Mori". Also, she has sought out counseling to help her. Hopefully, the next season will show us a stronger Scully taking more positive steps in this time of crisis. Until then, we should offer prayers for her health, both physical and mental, in these trying times.

Dear Sister Autumn:

I...I... I am afflicted, Sister. Not only do I secretly rewatch (over, and over, and over) XF tapes where the PUNK wears black boxers, black turtlenecks, (black anythings....or nothings....) and glasses, I also eat poptarts...fudge ones...with red wine.

Is there any hope for me? Can St. Scully forgive me? Can I still lead...uh...I mean participate in the Order in Her service with this ill-begotten affliction? Is there some sort of Pop Tart Anonymous group in X-Ville or among the OBSSE?

I won't even go into my cravings for Frosted Flakes.

Rev. Mother Nan...uh...I mean...Sister Jane Doe

Dear, uh, Sister "Doe":

What to do, what to do. Normally I would have to report something like this to the Rev. Mother, but, well, that seems a little difficult in this case. If you were eating said poptarts while drinking said red wine and watching these "black" episodes (as they are known in the Order) at the same time, we have a real self control problem here. Any one of the three by themselves can, I believe, be forgiven, but the combination of "Fire", fudge, and Chianti is a different story.

I think perhaps a few evenings eating a healthy salad while watching The Learning Channel may be in order, don't you? Plus, you may learn a few helpful things about our Saint's affliction in this manner that can be used to enlighten and give hope to the rest of the Order. Something they look for in a lead...uh...fellow Sister.

Oh, and about that Frosted Flake thing. I do *not* want to see a Tony the Tiger commercial with a shadowed wimple visible! Are we clear on this? Remember, there are a lot of impressionable brothers and sisters out there.

Pssst? Do you think I kept your cover from being blown?

Sister Autumn:

I am not a member of the OBSSE, but I have a question regarding Order policy. While they deny all allegations of "Mulder-bashing", I have noticed the Sisters often directing derogatory comments toward the Blessed Saint's partner. Yet, as we all know, St. Scully *always* defends Mulder to others, and she has said herself that she admires his passion. How, then, do you justify making such comments? Does one not honor St. Scully by honoring her partner? I humbly await enlightenment on this matter.

Ashley Flanagan

P.S. Also, may I suggest Carl Sagan's, "The Demon-Haunted World: Science as a Candle in the Dark" as a supplementary text to the Holy Book of St. Scully? Guaranteed to instantly put anyone in a Scullyist frame of mind.

Dear "In Just a Few Short Lessons You Too Could Be A Sister" Ashley,

Just because we complain about Mulder doesn't mean we don't love him-- sometimes we just don't like him very much. It's just that, when compared to our Saint, his weaknesses can be blinding. I am reminded of his very punkish behavior recently on display again in both "The Field Where I Died" and "Never Again." Yes, St. Scully does defend and care for her partner, but she also recognizes his punkish behavior when he misbehaves or when he ditches her. We cannot turn a blind eye. The Brothers and Sisters of the Order are only emulating their Saint in recognition of these moments. However, I think you will often see OBSSE members defending Mulder when he behaves properly. Even I have been known to do that. Not often, but it has happened. OK, I was a little tipsy at the time, but it still counts.

As for your reading suggestion, we'll put it in the abbey library for summer reading. Thanks.

Dear Sister Autumn:

I was wonderfully inspired, as always, by your skillful handling of those silly questions about the non-existent Rogue OBSSE. However, I am interested in helping to peel potatoes in the kitchen area. I find that I am suffering acutely from PSFDD, and I wish to *peel* in the kitchen as a penance. I actually did not watch the Sainted One this week. I realize that this is a horrible failing on my part, and I wish to remain a member in good standing. (Notice I am writing to you for guidance, and not Sister Nancy - I think she would be terribly let down by my failings).

Thank you for any help that you can provide with my self-imposed failings.

Sister Vestal

Sister Vestal you have work to do!

Now, Sister you wouldn't be trying to fool me into sending you into the kitchen to peel potatoes with this confession of actually *shudder* not watching the Sainted One for an entire week? Have you no video tapes? Have you no shame? I sense an ulterior motive here. You know, I could assign you to the Skinner "bathrooms bee spotless" cleaning crew instead of the kitchen as your penance. I will take into consideration that you actually could be suffering from Post Season Finale Depression Disorder and go easy on you. Now get in the kitchen, and I want those potatoes peeled with precision!

Please also report to the abbey TV room and proceed to watch "Small Potatoes" no less than six times to give you inspiration while you peel. 


Last month we asked OBSSE Members and readers to vote on whether they believe St. Scully is working with Mulder to fake his own death. Did we get the responses! This was hands down the most popular newsletter poll ever. And although I was tempted to tweak the results because of my own personal feelings toward the matter, being a good Scullyist, I knew better than to tamper with the data. So...

All totaled, 58 percent of respondents voted that "yes" St. Scully is on some kind of hoax with Mulder to fake his death; 42 percent said "no" she's not in on it, and she believes Fox Mulder is dead. The comments everyone made were SO GOOD, it was hard to choose which to highlight. Here's what some of you said (pretty much picked at random):

From Sister Reade:
"Do any of you really think Mulder has the brains to pull this off without Scully? I think not!"

From Sister L.A. LeCouter
"How the hell (oops!) could Scully be in on it? It seems to me that this may well be the ultimate Mulder!Ditch of all time. There is waaaaaay too much emotion for someone who is lying."

From Sister Colleena
"This humble novice would like to be so bold as to point out something: Though the Divine One has shown, time after time, grace under pressure and an amazing ability to deal with frightening situations without so much as a waiver in her voice, I do not believe that her Holiness could get up, drive to her best friend's house, identify his dead body, go home, slip into one of her nine identical blue suits, go into work, and expose Mulder's life work without batting an eyelash until the very end. Her Auburnness is far too caring and loving to her bumbling, insensitive partner to treat his death so casually."

From Morris
"I'd like to think she's in on it, but seeing as this show goes, I have a feeling they'd like to keep her in the dark. She can explain her behavior as shock at Mulder being dead. But then again...who knows? Maybe there was a tunnel in Mulder's apartment."

From Maria
"Mulder will do a very Muldery' thing and watch his funeral. Afterwards, he will surprise Scully and tell her it was the only way to protect them both. Then she will slap him so hard he will cry twice as hard as he did over his Carl Sagan tape. :p"

From Kurt:
"To quote CC, It's important not to believe everything you third party narration.' Of course she's in on it, to find the truth. The two of them are inseparable and always will be."

From Barbara
"She's got him in hiding, probably in the bunker...."

From Ginny:
"I believe Scully to possess such integrity that she would never participate in such a charade!"

From Sister Marie:
"She'd have to be in on it because he wouldn't be stupid enough to die on her twice...."

From Sister Carolyn:
"I must vote no'...because for me to think otherwise would be to go against the St. Scully I have believed in for four years. The St. Scully I faithfully follow would not step so far outside the lines. Yes, we have seen her lie about Mulder's whereabouts or her knowledge, but it's a whole other thing to help fake your partner's suicide and then lie about it to a committee of your employers. If I didn't believe this, I'd walk into work tomorrow and tell the president of the company that the vice-president poisoned the water cooler and that there were bodies all over my office and that I was on my way to Tahiti at his expense to try to recover from the trauma!....St. Scully still believes in Truth, Justice, and the American Way and to try to work things out within the system. If this has changed, I haven't seen it."

From Sister Danielle too---the french one
"Just HAD to be---I cannot believe how fast she got in and out of that apartment when she had to go ID the body. DrScully! To check for a possible pulse? No AgentScully! searching the apartment for clues to explain what could have possibly happened and if indeed it was a suicide...or murder? Nah....And she insisted on the term "apparent" when stating Mulder's cause of death...double nah."

From J. Rose Hale
"St. Scully *has* to be in on it. If she's not...Let's just say, Sister, that if Mulder faked a suicide and left poor St. Scully to think he is dead, we need to send the Rogue OBSSE (not that such a group exists) after him. With sharp things."

From Sister Joyce
"Oh, gosh, no! St. Scully isn't in' on the hoax. Her pain was too convincing, too wrenching to believe that she went along with a faked suicide on Mulder's part. Besides, as a Saint, she's incapable of lying that well...uh...except for the constant, I'm fine, Mulder;' but that's more like a mantra for her these days."

From Sister Ann M.
"There's nothing to be in' on. Mulder's really dead, sillies. And from now on, EVERY episode will be a Scullycentric episode!" 


From the comments we've received from members and the e-mail we've exchanged, we've gotten a pretty clear indication that some of us are...dare I *obssessed* with St. Scully, that we've gone to unusual lengths to emulate her. So, for this month's poll question, we'd like to know how far you've gone for the Sainted One: Are you studying medicine because of the show? Do you want to work in law enforcement? Have you gotten a tattoo? Have you dyed your hair red? Have you become a Catholic? Did you name your first born son, "Queequeg?" What? What? What????? Please keep your answers as brief as you can. Thanks!

Your Name: 

Your E-Mail: 

Are you an OBSSE Member? Yes No

Yes, I'm Obsessed! Here's my (really brief) story:

by Sister Holly
photos copyright Fox, redone by Sister Melanie

Being a member of this Order is something I hold dear to my heart. So it is with a feeling of great privilege that I accepted Sister Nancy's request to give the Australian perspective on our Blessed One.

Of course, as alien as it may sometimes seem to all of us Scullyists, any examination of the effect or impact of St. Scully cannot be done without making reference to the vehicle in which we view her in awe week after week or her sidekick, the slightly-less-saintly-Fox Mulder.

Let me begin by giving you a quick overview of how The X Files is perceived in Australia. I have heard it said (but I'm not sure if this is true, so don't hold me to it) that on a per capita basis, The X Files is more popular in Australia than in the US. It can certainly feel that way when media references to the show reach saturation level as they have of late. Not that I'm complaining. As the Merchandise Princess of the newsgroup (a title bestowed upon me because of my excessive and obsessive collection of magazines featuring the show and our Blessed Saint), it would be hypocritical for me to decry the infiltration of The X Files into the very fabric of our society. I *love* the fact that the show has become so well known that Martin/Molloy (two popular radio broadcasters whose afternoon show is amazingly popular amongst the 18 - 25 demographic) regularly discuss the most recently aired episode, and I love all the other attention that the show and its stars have been receiving.

An indication of just how serious many on-line Australian X-Philes take their appreciation of the show is the formation (initiated because of the aus.txf newsgroup) of city-based "groups" who have the tapes of the most recent episodes sent out from America in order to watch them as soon as possible after they've aired in North America. Brisbane, Sydney, and Melbourne (my city) have regular gatherings which can assemble as few as five or as many as 25 XF fans to sit around a TV watching four to six of the latest episodes. It is with pride that I add that I am one person who has established such a contact with an American friend, meaning that every fortnight (sorry - two weeks), the latest pair of episodes are pushed into my mailbox and then whisked into the VCR almost immediately afterwards. In fact, just yesterday I received my tape of "Demons" and "Gethsemane" (repressed squeal), much to my delight.

I've been in contact with a number of UK X-Philes, and so far, I've yet to hear of anyone over there receiving tapes from the US (but please correct me if I'm wrong!). It leads me to wonder about what they must say about those of us in Australia who are so desperate to see new episodes that we will do almost anything (I swap Australian magazines - and lots of them; another person I know sends over anything to do with Mel Gibson...) to receive these tapes. Is it an indication of a truly obsessed nation, or just a sign of our resourcefulness? Maybe we're just too impatient for our own good? Or maybe we're getting too sick of spoilers, particularly those that are posted to our newsgroup by the idiots who obviously think that the "aus" stands for Austin. 

"I have heard it said (but I'm not sure if this is true, so don't hold me to it) that on a per capita basis, The X-Files is more popular in Australia than in the US." 
As it is, we're not all that far behind our North American counterparts. Last night, "Unrequited" was shown here, which by my count means there's only another eight episodes to go. Channel Ten (the station that broadcasts the show) is sure to stuff us around by scheduling reruns once the school holidays start, sometime in June, and that *will* push us further behind. As it is, Channel Ten doesn't seem to appreciate its precious commodity. Not only have they been known to deliberately snip small scenes or moments from past episodes (in "Duane Barry" there was a tiny edit done in the scene where we see the drill approaching Duane's mouth when he flashes back to his abduction, and more recently, the shot of Leonard Betts' decapitated head lying on the footpath immediately after the collision was edited out), but they also think it's a really cool idea to have the screen fade to black just before the ad break, while a luminous green X is displayed, thus cutting out the final few seconds of every pre-ad break scene!

Let's now turn to the Blessed One herself. As many of you know, Australia received a visitation from our St. Scully last June. (A year ago now....It's hard to believe it was that long ago.). She came to Australia for a week to promote the release of the video entitled "Tooms", which comprised both "Squeeze" and "Tooms", as well as promoting the launch of "The X Files" on our new cable channel, Foxtel. (Luckily they were starting way back in season one, so it wasn't going to take away new episodes from free-to-air TV). While in the country, she made three public appearances - in Brisbane, Sydney, and Melbourne. All of them were in shopping centres, and all of them were inundated with people. It was estimated that about 10,000 showed up to each appearance... which gives you a small idea about her popularity.

I went to the Melbourne appearance, arriving at the centre at 7 a.m. (she was due to appear at 12:30) and waited patiently for five hours as the crowd grew larger, louder, and more frightening by the second. When I arrived, I would have been about 50 or so people back from the front of the queue. By the time I had to push my way out of the crowd six hours later (when a sea of 10,000 people starts swaying backwards and forwards en masse because of the combination of pushing from the front and back of the crowd, then it gets a bit too much for me ), I couldn't even tell where the front of the queue was anymore. The event was incredibly badly organised, and I still get depressed when I think about how close I came to meeting The Saint on that fateful day.

Which is why I have set myself one goal in life. If it is the last thing I do, I am *going* to meet her! I am sharing this with you, my fellow OBSSEssed ones, because I know that you will appreciate this desire for what it is, rather than labeling it as stupid or ridiculous. :) I leave Australia on August 12, 1997 - first stop Vancouver. (Oh all right, the fact that I'm on my way to France where I'm going to be studying for six months probably has been as big a motivation to get my out of this country, but I like to think that I'm taking the big plunge forward in order to achieve my goal, so there's no need to shatter that idea, now is there? ;) ). If I don't have any luck in the 10 days I'll be spending there on the way to France, then I'm going to be back there within six months, ready to give it another go.

I hope Sister Nancy won't mind me using this forum to advance my own selfish aims - but you're the only people who can truly appreciate what this means to me. So if there's anyone out there who lives in Vancouver or knows anything at all about how a foolish Australian can try and find her idol, then I'd love to hear from you! :) :)

Well, that about wraps it up now. I think I'll go and watch my Scully selection: Beyond the Sea, Irresistible, Revelations, War of the Copraphages, WetWired, Unruhe, Leonard Betts, Never Again, Memento Mori, Small Potatoes, and Elegy to remind myself why Scully is a Saint, and Gillian is God. 

(I should probably reassure you that not all Australians are quite as far gone as me. )

Oh, one more thing. I can't leave without giving the Australian OBSSE sister site a plug. Come and visit the OBSSES Web Site.
Sister Holly


When Brother Creepy joined the OBSSE and mentioned to me something about a little "project" he had recently completed that he called, "Scully-on-a-Stick," I admit, I was a bit dubious. (I mean, his name *is* Creepy....) But after his explanation, I thought it was a worthy enough summertime project to share with you all.

If you have a summertime X-Filish craft project that you'd like to share with OBSSE members, let us know, and we'll consider including it here.

Summertime Craft Idea No. 1: St. Scully-on-a-Stick
by Brother Creepy

What You'll Need:

1-7 craft/popcycle sticks
A small picture of St. Scully

Making Your St. Scully-on-a-Stick:

Locate a picture of the Blessed One, a popcycle stick, and some glue. (I used the roll on kind in a tube so it isn't messy. It's made for arts and crafts anyhow. I also used the picture of her on the latest TV Guide, the one with the fold-out cover. It's a good picture because it's thin and just the right size for a popcycle stick.) Cut her out, glue her down on to the stick, and vio-la! Your own Personal Penance Tool!

Using Your St. Scully-on-a-Stick:

Feeling down? Whip her out and confess what's troubling you. Feeling ill? Whip her out and let her heal your ills. (She just diagnosed my sick cat.) Not all of us (well, let's face it, NONE of us) have the honor of being in her presence, so this is very therapeutic. AND she's wallet/purse size! Perfect for when we are not near the TV or Net. In theory, this could also be used on a larger scale, say...a poster and some scrap wood--big enough for a congregation!

WARNING! Do not taunt your Significant Other with St. Scully-on-a-Stick! Mine tried to make my cat chew her head off (but he liked her face since she had recently healed him--see above). Especially don't make her "walk" across the couch and whisper into your ear while you snicker and look at your Significant Other.

Other St. Scully-on-a-Stick Ideas:

Use the rest of the fold-out TV Guide to make whole cast line ups, and redo the episodes. Make that other guy on TV, who I think is her partner but I'm not sure because he always ditches her, grovel at her feet and admire her Prada pumps. Sacrifice him to the garbage disposal, etc., etc. 


The one thing about this whole OBSSE endeavor that continues to delight and amaze me is the sense of community that has emerged. More than just a tongue-in-cheek fan club for a fictional character, the OBSSE is about the exploration and celebration of some of humankind's more admirable qualities, qualities that happen to be expressed in a fictional woman. Featured below are some of the comments of our newest Sisters and Brothers. Welcome all to the OBSSE!:

Sister Kim P. testifies:
"I have long admired the Blessed One for Her ability to redefine what it means to be feminine; to question the things She experiences in the light of rational discourse; to remain calm and cool in the most stressful of situations (with a few exceptions, but that is simply to remind the faithful that there is humanity within the divine); and to never, ever, appear to have sore feet even after a long day of having her tootsies crammed into heels that would take down Mulder in a heartbeat."

Sister Scullied in Olympia confesses:
"I never could express to people exactly what kind of person I wanted to grow up to be until Scully came along. Then I could say--Her; that is the type of person I strive to be...honest, smart, strong, unwavered by emotions, persistent, loyal, and in the FBI....."

Sister Becca M. recounts:
"On my American Literature final, I was writing about Dreiser's Sister Carrie; how the many men in her life combined with the harsh realities of the city sought to spoil her innocence, sully her expectations. And for the life of me, I kept writing 'Scully' instead of 'sully.' Rereading what I had written, I experienced my own revelation. The subconscious insertion of the letter 'c' signified my total conversion to the ways of the Blessed. 'Scullied' expectations are quite different from 'sullied' ones--and it took this accidental mixing of opposites to make me see how truly special our Enigmatic One is. I am ready to serve."

Sister Mary Aileen testifies:
"The longer I watch The X-Files, the more of a Scullyist I become. Carter and associates have created a better, deeper, richer character than they seem to realize. She is intelligent, clear-headed, and independent; but these are human virtues. What qualifies her for sainthood is her superhuman patience with her incredibly self-absorbed partner. If the Order needs a librarian to catalog St. Scully's myriad virtues, I hereby volunteer my services. (In the interest of full disclosure, I must confess that I can barely walk in high heels let alone run in them--but I am in total awe of anyone who can.)"

Sister Ahab confesses:
"Scully represents all that is good in woman and in humanity. She is what we should all strive to be: fair-minded, a truth seeker, disciplined, intelligent, kind, compassionate, just, strong, honest, courageous, and fearless."

Sister Kate explains:
"I think the Blessed One is the brains of the operation."

Sister Diana recounts:
"After contemplating St. Scully, I felt prompted (after some 20 years) to visit/find the grave of a friend who died of cancer when we were children. My friend never complained and never wanted to be treated any different *just* because she was sick. St. Scully would have been very proud of her." ~= 


Twentieth Century Fox reported in late June that Martin Landau, Academy Award winner for "Ed Wood," had been cast in the role of "Mr. Farber" for the XF movie, which began shooting in mid-June. Landau joins GA, DD, John Neville, Mitch Pileggi, and Terry O'Quinn in what Fox publicists are calling an "action-thriller." The film is written and produced by CC and directed by long-time XF director Rob Bowman. The movie is due in theatres next summer.

Other movie tidbits floating around the XF mailing lists and newsgroups report that security is tight on the set (read: REAL tight), with scripts printed in red to make them more difficult to copy. Of course, the heavy-duty security at the 20th Century Fox lot in Los Angeles was no match for the tabloids. The National Enquirer in late June reported that it had gotten the goods on the movie plot, which it reported as involving, "strange, lizard-like creatures." (Hey, those guys and gals from "V" have been itching to jump back in those lizard suits for YEARS now! ;) ) 


Each month the OBSSE features prayers, poems, songs, essays, artwork, and other bits and pieces of creative expression from our members. If you're an OBSSE member and would like to contribute something to the newsletter or the website, let us know, and we'll try to include it. Below are some of this month's offerings:

How a Sister Can Tell if Her Man is OBSSEssed
by Brother Nick P.

1. He buys you a trenchcoat for your birthday.
2. You catch him slipping Clairol Hair Coloring (53A-RED) into your shopping cart.
3. He starts calling you by your last name and asking you to call him by his.
4. After love-making, he traces circles on your back. When you ask him what he's doing, he changes the subject by asking you what you think of snakes.
5. He makes you run when you wear heels.
6. He claims that it was "Danish" that he was shouting in his sleep, and he explains that he was dreaming of a big breakfast.
7. He spends a lot of time in the bathroom with the special "X-Files" edition of the TV Guide.
8. He leaves copies of "Moby Dick" on your nightstand.
9. You catch him penciling in lip moles on photos of you.
10. When you put on the playtex rubber gloves to do the dishes, he becomes inexplicably amorous.
11. He keeps channel surfing over to MTV to catch that "great Extremis video."
12. He takes the TV down to the basement so that while he's watching "The X-Files," he can do some "woodworking...." 

To Our Dear St. Scully
by Sister Nicola

To Our Dear St. Scully,
You go girl!
You see things that could make us hurl.
Action!Scully can always kick butt,
But why does the left of your forehead always get cut?

Scully Night, Holy Night
(sung to the tune of "Silent Night, Holy Night")
by Brother Streaker

Scully night, Holy night,
Hair dyed red, very bright
Damn near virgin,
Awesome smile,
Partner's an infant,
We revile,
Sleeps with few men she meets,
No prude--but doesn't often heat up the sheets.

Fervent, Admiring Watcher's Prayer
by Sister loa

O, St. Scully, you're metastasizing,
But we know that you're "fine."
You don't need to talk to anyone who brings you wine.
Please intercede for Mulder's dumb actions,
And never curb your skeptical reactions.

Sister Jenny's 13-Point Program
for Getting Through Summer Reruns
by Sister Jenny

1. We admitted that we were powerless over CC and CSM--that our lives had become unmanageable, especially over the course of the season.

2. We came to believe that CC and CSM had a power greater than ourselves and that they could restore our Beloved St. Scully to health.

3. We made a decision to turn our TV controllers and the welfare of Scully and Mulder over to the care of CC.

4. We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. We admitted to CC, CSM, St. Scully, Mulder, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrong doings in trying to speculate on the next episode.

6. We were entirely ready to have CC and CSM remove all the cancer and defects of our Blessed St. Scully (and possibly Mulder).

7. We humbly asked CC to remove our shortcomings, reaffirm our hopes for St. Scully...and Mulder.

8. We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all (unless it was Krycek, Luis, or Big Blue [the alligator]).

9. We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, especially when we are OK and everyone else is whatever.

10. We continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it so we were not harming other OBSSE members.

11. We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with St. Scully as we understood Her, praying only for Her health, welfare, and knowledge of Her will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. We, having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, tried to carry this message to OBSSE members, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

13. We, having tried to live up to these steps, believe, "The truth is out there," that, "Not everything dies," and to "Believe the lie," hoping for a spiritual awakening when the fifth season opener finally airs. 

Scully Came Home
(Sung to the tune of "Sunny Came Home," by Shawn Colvin)
by Nancy FF (aka GoldFinchPhile)

Scully came home
To her desk-less room
All sad and tired
No ambition
Not sure if she'd lied
Scully'd lost Fox
For remission

She said years went by
I found out why
My partner had gone nuts
But if Mulder would
Walk in alive
I'd kick him in the butt

Scully came home
With some killer tapes
She didn't quite feel
Real *transcendent*
Time for a few small repairs, she said
Scully zoomed off
With a vengeance

She said what I need
Is a dose of speed
A ride with MustangSally
To forget about
That Spooky guy
Go off and have a *dally*

O St. Scully forget your partner
Go out with Byers or with Walter
Wear short skirts and shake yer booty
Like Marita Covarruhootie

She said I don't care
If truth or lie
I'm not waiting around
To see if that
Spook of mine
Ends up lost or found

With sandals on she
Took off full bore
Get ditched? Never Again!
As Mulder walked up
To her door
He cried

Scully ain't hooommmmeee 

I Enjoy Being a Rogue
(Sung to the tune of, "I Enjoy Being a Girl")
by Sister Sarah S.

When I have a brand new Uzi
With my wimple just ever so vogue
The smell of power makes me woozy
I enjoy being a Rogue
When the Anti-Scully PUNKS start cry'n
Myrke and others start to collogue
Pretty soon the denouncements are a fly'n
I enjoy being a Rogue

I flip over stainless steel thumbracks
I drool over stylish kevlar vests
We inveigle up at 1013 (the chauvinist hacks!)
With plenty of plastic 'splosives strapped to our chests

I'm strictly a militant militant
And the future I hope will bring
No Marita with "bee huzzzzbandry" so sibilant
And the sound of our Saint's Smith & Wesson will forever ring!!!! 

by Brother Kevin

Long ago, when FBI agents swarmed the forest and the plains,
The great and mighty Scully looked with love upon her children, and
Saw them following an erred man called Mulder.
Then spoke she and said in this wise voice,
"That's a blimp not a starship.
It's a mutation not a monster.
Seek the truth in the world around thee
And for Chist's sake, join the OBSSE!"


We're beginning a general "Letters" column in the next issue of "News for the OBSSEsed." If you have something to say specifically about the OBSSE, the newsletter, or a topic contained within the newsletter, please e-mail me: Sister Nancy (no clever sig). Again, we can't guarantee we'll print your letter, but we can guarantee we'll read it. (Kudos, of course, are virtually guaranteed publication. ;) )

That's it folks! Next issue will be out around August 10 (depending upon when I get back from vacation.). "News for the OBSSEsed" is copyright 1997 by Nancy Cotton, except for the photos, which are owned by the people who own them (in this issue, Fox and TV Guide, with touchups by Sister Melanie).