Issue No. 25, July 1999

Nope, no personal dignity here
It's here! The annual OBSSE Fest Extravaganza newsletter made possible by all those wonderful Sisters and Brothers who attended this year's festivities in the thin air of Winter Park Colorado at the Beaver Village Resort. This year's FEST was a delightful gathering of 75 of the Abbey's finest and the events that took place are detailed for your enjoyment in typical irreverent OBSSE fashion. We had everything: prancing, lard, Not!videos, Scullyritas, cheese, Plastic Incarnations, games, public embarrassments, and more laughter and fun than would be possible to adequately describe. But damn it, we're gonna try. If that were not all we even had a Mulderist conversion on the last evening when our new Brother Mike realized that Scullyists just had more fun (besides if the Mulderists had a FEST we suspect they'd spend most of their time ditching each other or having holes drilled in their heads).

This newsletter is SO huge that we've broken it up into pages to make it easier on your browser. So, just click on the link of the bottom of each page to be taken to even more entertainment.

Anyway, we sincerely hope you enjoy our tales. It all happens again next year in Minnesota!

Autumn's Signature
Sister Autumn
LardFF, It's What's for Dinner

Fest 99 - All Lard, All the Time

By Sister Glasses, OBSSE Lard Bard

It seems that OBSSE Fests always need an anchor, a common denominator, something that gives the participants a purpose and a deeper meaning to the assembly. For last Fest, it was the X-Files movie. For this Fest, it was the Lard.

It all came about one sunny day, not too long before Fest, when Sister Allie, a repeat Fester and last year's Keeper of the Snacks in her Fridge because Everything Resembling Meat or Cheese is Safe with Her, inquired on the Fest list whether there were any animal products to be expected in the group meals and whether she could check the labels on the bean cans for the Make Your Own Goddam Burrito Dinner, scheduled for Thursday night, to see if there was any Lard contained therein. In the strange way our focused minds work, we found this incredibly funny. (Allie, thankfully, took our subsequent, less than gentle teasing in good humor and justly carries the Good Sport Award to prove it.) With this, Fest went off to a good Lard.

Allie having thrown us the ball, we took it up - on the Fest list, at first - and ran with it as if all the Larders of the Apocalypse were behind us. With people's imagination sufficiently greased, little Lard references appeared on the Fest list. People began to wonder in just how many different food groups Lard was to be expected. The answer is easy: in all of them, you just have to know what to cook. The Lard is certainly out there. Allie experienced that first-hand when Autumn generously offered her the trimmings to her steak at the Pre-Fest dinner, at which time she seemed to regret having chosen the hummus.

Lardification of foodstuffs generally perceived to be Lard-free was easily achieved by slapping thoughtfully composed Lard labels onto every available surface. By Thursday night, there was no edible or drinkable item in the common room unlardorned. Thus was the pot containing Autumn's Wicked Cheese Dip carefully labeled "Lard Helper." The Drink Formerly Known as Diet Coke was discovered to really be "Dolphin-Safe Lard." Obviously, the beans for the Burrito Dinner contained "More Lard than you can shake a stick at." (Plus the stick.) There was "Lard, Now With Niacin," and even the lettuce contained "100 % RDA of Lard." You can safely say we went the whole nine Lards. Hog Heaven was someplace else that weekend.

Making sure the Lard's name wasn't used in vain, Sisters Autumn and Paula thoughtfully provided two bars of the Official OBSSE Fest Lard and kept them proudly displayed in the Common Room throughout Fest. The Official OBSSE Fest Beaver was assigned to guard this prize item, and failed his duty only at the very end when, according to reports, he allowed a nun who will remain unnamed to throw it out.

Soon, the resident Abbey therapists Dr. Sarah and Dr. K, NaD saw themselves faced with pleas for help from the newly-founded Lardaholics Anonymous. Attempts at treatment with white Proztacs initially turned out successful, however, some of the afflicted were later seen in a condo recreating the famous London tradition, Changing of the Lard. When confronted with reports of their sad relapse, they evasively claimed they had merely been training for the Prance-Off. For some strange reason, at the actual Prancing event their demonstration went lardely unnoticed. Maybe if they'd shown a certain lardesse toward the judges...

But Allie's lardeal was far from over. When there was a temporary shortage of pancakes at the Friday morning breakfast, the resourceful Sister Lens-of-Science proceeded to feed the hungry masses with Lard'oeuvres. Making sure that we didn't also have to experience a shortage of Lard, Sister XeNanchita, Snack Warrior Princess, wore an apron she had carefully decorated with little dolly-sized food packs, all - of course - containing the precious substance.

By Friday night, Festers went about carrying what would have appeared to be beer bottles, had they not clearly advertised their true content: "Lard - it's what's for dinner." Thankfully, the staff at Rome on the Range, that night's dinner venue, catered to our newly acquired taste and served such lardalicious delicacies as Kansas City Strip, a dish that, I personally am convinced, exists only to elicit false hopes in those for whom English is not a first language. But then we weren't in Kansas City to begin with.

At any time, eatables and drinkables such as "Free Range Lard" and "Lard, the other white meat" were available in the common room. Stickers asked: "Got Lard?" Lard continued to occupy our thoughts and deeds, and no one even suggested using "I can't believe it's not Lard" in the preparation of dinner for Saturday night. Someone had previously been chosen to go from table to table with a little bucket o' Lard, saying "Good evening, my name is ***, I'll be your lardperson tonight." Thankfully, it didn't come to that.

To this day, Lard apparently is on the minds of all Fest attendees, if the sigs used on the Fest list are any indication. Apparently, the last Lard hasn't yet been drawn.

Thursday, June 17th: "Our Little Sailor" Day

Fest 99: It's About Goodies

By Sister Autumn

Mulder.. It's me! Like last year, Fest '99 had a goodie bag awaiting folks upon arrival filled with items sure to make their experience even more entertaining. In addition to the lovely Fest '99 T-shirts designed by our own Sister 80K everyone got the following:Lucky people who also found an alien in their bag were awarded a door prize of either a stuffed beaver (thanks Reade!) or a script to a Scullycentric episode. Needless to say these Scullyists were, for once, thrilled to find aliens.

Sister Jean also brought us some root beer and ice tea Jelly Beans with an attached poem which read:

Could be love
Must be fate
Some ice tea and rootbeer
To make the weekend great

And I would be remiss if I did not give special thanks to Sister Beer our resident cheesologist for lugging pounds of the stuff cross country to adorn Nanchita's snack trays or Sister Bryn for keeping the group in chocolate (always important). I won't mention which Sisters (CathyB and Kirbs) found it amusing to provide the group with bee pollen with our meal...

And a special thanks to Mr. and Mrs. WetLegKick for sending all those cookies "special delivery" from Texas even though we wish they had been hand delivered by the chefs themselves.

FUN AND GAMES IN BEAVER VILLAGE

By Sister Mandy

What part of FEST wasn't fun and games? There was no end of amusement for those of us willing to make our own fun. For example, trying to count the number of drinks that... ahem. Anyway. I think everybody played the unofficial game of "name that FESTer" everytime somebody new walked through the door.

Nak's Great Fest Button Our first official activity after registration, though, was the opening mixer. In anticipation of this event, our dear Elders had prepared a list of the most noteworthy and Scully-relevant people, places and things that have cropped up over the course of six seasons and a movie that I think some people saw last summer. These names were then printed onto labels and affixed to people's backs, so that everybody else could read them, but each of us was in the dark with regard to our own identity. The goal was to divine one's own identity by asking each other yes or no questions. Nanchita told me, as she slapped a sticker on my back, that while they hadn't planned it out beforehand, the decision of who got which stickers was less than random. What, then, should should we assume about Sister Beer, bearer of the cheese, who got saddled with Spudner? Was it SpicedRum's long blond hair that linked her to Lord Manhammer? And how on earth did I end up with Charles Scully, the recurring character we never see or hear? Clearly, it was early yet.

For many of us, the real fun proved not to be guessing our own identities, but rather in watching other people squirm as they struggled to find the right line of questioning. (Winner of the most fruitless question award: "Am I dead?") Poor Sister Tammy Perpetua needed the help of about eight people and a *lot* more than ten seconds to determine that she was the Big Clunky White Phone. Once everyone had figured themselves out, we all moved our stickers to the front and wore them for the rest of the day.
Make'em yourself damn it!

By Sister Paula

Have you heard about Aunt Coma and Uncle BH? Building our own goddamn burritos seemed like a good plan for the first day of Fest. (Sister La.. came up with the gracious and practical title.) After all, we were busily meeting and greeting -- so having our first meal catered allowed us to carry on uninterrupted, the only task at hand being that of building one's own goddamn burrito. For the most part, everyone seemed happy to build their own goddamn burritos, and only a few expressed disgruntlement at the goddamn inconvenience.

Before we rushed the buffet line though, we paused for a solemn song - grace, if you will - because Sister Allie insisted on it, bless her cholesterol-free little heart. Sister Bryn, on a moment's notice, had hastily rewritten the lyrics from Madonna's "Material Girl" to "Vegetarian Girl" which a small group performed. It was a touching experience, and we all felt closer afterward.

It must be reported that the caterer (owner of The Last Waltz, a local restaurant) did ask Nanchita about the lard. After all, everything was labeled "lard" and she was probably receiving requests for it. Her buffet was really outstanding: tortillas, black bean and corn salad, fresh salsas, fresh guacamole, shredded beef and chicken, all the extras, and a lovely chocolate mousse for dessert. There was more than enough to eat, because God forbid we should experience a moment of hunger before breakfast.... (continued in Pancake Breakfast, next page)
Just What Every One Needs!

Scully Crafts: How to Make Your Own Wimple

By Sick!Chickie, the Sick!Crafting Queen


Materials:First thing you need, is to get into a "crafty" kind mode, but more psychopathic and twisted. ... oh wait that's martha stewart. Ok go for an evil crafty... no that is NFF. Sick and twisted... no that is me. Wait. PERFECT, get into a Sick! state of mind. Remember, we craft for the good of OBSSE and TBO.

STEP #1:
Find a long piece of yarn, wrap it around your head (top of the neck around to the forehead). Note the measurement, if it is longer that 22 inches, you may have to increase the width (26" is suggested) of your materials. So those of you with big heads take note.

STEP #2:
So get out your black fabric. Using your iron, fold down one edge the width of your fusion tape. Now go back and put down the fusion tape, fold over the flap and iron.

(HINT: Read the directions on the package, some fusion tape has a paper backing. If that is the case you have to iron one side down first, let cool for a minute or two, then remove paper backing, fold over the edge and then iron a second time.)

STEPS #3-5:
Repeat for the other three sides. You may want to angle your edges of the cloth (cut the corners) to avoid a large build up of fabric in the corners, makes the ironing harder.

STEP #6-7:
Fold over the cloth so it is creased on its long side (helps to iron down the crease). Place fusion tape on the end of one side. Iron. Repeat on the other side. You should now have a long envelope shape.

STEP #8:
Then fold the white fabric inside out. This gives you nice seams on the ends.

STEP #9:
Now, lay a strip if the fusion tape between the two layers of white fabric (the top of your envelope). Iron. If it is sloppy you can always cut along the edge of the fused material to clean it up. BUT, its gonna be against your forhead anyway, it doesn't have to be ultra neat.

STEP #10:
Place a strip of tape on one of the short sides of black material (on the undersided edge). Place the white material on top of this, being sure to leave the same amount of overlap the entire length. Iron, iron, iron. There is at least four layers of fabric, it will take a bit of time.

Test to make sure the fusion took (lift gently on the white, making sure the black doesn't separate from it).

HOMESTRETCH....

STEP #11:
Lay the wimple, outside-down in front of you. If you are Right handed, the underside lower right corner is where you will put the hook side of the velcro. Remove paper backing (if self stick velcro) and place the velcro (hook side up ::wink::) on the white fabric. SEW THIS. Trust me, ask Janelle, you will want to SEW the edges.

NOTE: If you are left handed you will want to place the velcro on the opposite side in the same location.

STEP #12:
Now all you have to do is attach the loop side of the velcro. If this wimple is for yourself, put your head down in the middle of the white side, lift the left side and hold down on the back of your neck. With your right hand, fold over the right side (this is how you will put on the wimple as well). Where the hook velcro touches the black is where you want to put the loop side. Use your hand to hold the spot (or mark it somehow, and attach the loop velcro). SEW IT DOWN.

Again if you are left handed you will place the loop velcro on the RIGHT outward side.

NOTE: If the wimple is for someone else, you just use a longer piece of velcro to allow more room for adjustments. OR send it to them with out the velcro and make them do it themselves.

And there you have it, your very own wimple. Wear it with pride.

Time lapse:
For the crafty minded, less than one hour
for the crafty impared, 1.5-2 hours (not including the trip to the burn center)

Also, I know some people have used fabric glue for wimples, if you are afraid of irons, you might want to try that. Of course if you actually have sewing talents, THAT is an option as well. ::shudder::
Join us for a hymn from the Book of HooBoy!

Solemn Vespers and Sacred Clips

By Sister Bryn

The FEST was alive with the sound of music as Solemn Evening Vespers were announced. Sister Marie (The-I) tried in vain to coax FESTers into a circle. Still, under the guidance of Sisters Squat, Nancy FF, and Meredith, the faithful were ready to praise TBO in song.

Last year's hits were still hits. Meredith and Colin accompanied Jez's famed "His Crap Will Go On" with the Titanic LookI'mFlying! pose. The next time you sing Squat's filk of George Michael's "Faith," make sure you have a few boxes of Tic-Tacs. They make killer maracas [note: Steph-Tacs tells us the red ones can be lethal, so be careful where you point those things].

Mr. Sister Shadow joins in For Colin's "Alien Rhapsody," the three intrepid leaders divided the singers into parts. There was minimal bickering over who got to sing as Scully, and I think someone eventually volunteered to be Bill Jr. Mr. Sister Shadow backed up the Abbey Chorale on piano as best he could. And, nonFESTing folks, if you haven't ever seen "Dammit I'm Fine" or "Scullyritaville," get thee speedily to the OBSSE Chapel for Prayers and Meditations and ROTFLYAO.

One of the evening's biggest hits was Squat's "In the Basement," to the tune of "Copacabana":


Her name is Scully, she is an agent,
An agent of the FBI, and she has brains for which to die.
But never mind that, she is a looker,
With little sweaters and those suits, and she looks really good in boots.
But one thing knocks me flat
And makes me eat my hat
She wears those push-up brassieres to bed, now, What is up with that?

In the basement, she's most unwanted,
Unless she's out some place it's haunted.
In the basement, she's so unwan-ted,
With hidden passion,
She's always in fashion
In the basement -- a desk she would love.

(Basement, a desk in the basement)

His name is Mulder, he is a punkass,
He is a prince become a frog, and he treats Scully like a dog.
Except for sometimes, just when he needs her,
And then he gets all sweet and nice, and then poor Scully pays the price.
He makes his eyes just so,
Then tell me, who'd say no?
"You're my one in five billion." Bullshit!
But then off they go.

In the basement, he's most unwanted
Unless he's out some place it's haunted
In the basement, he's so unwan-ted,
Lives in a big mess,
On Scully, he's clueless.
In the basement -- it's porno love.

(Basement, love in the basement)

Now it is night time, and Agent Scully,
Is lying in her bed so fair, with her tits shoved up to there
And she is waiting for Agent Mulder
To cause the phone to ring and ring, and wake her up to chase some thing.
But she is so prepared,
Done are her face and hair,
And with her three-inch athletic heels on,
She'll go anywhere.

In the basement, they're most unwanted
Unless they go someplace it's haunted,
In the basement, they're so unwan-ted.
Split up? No, never! They're partners forever!
In the basement -- it's both we all love.

Of course, there were hits and there were misses. Despite the damn clever lyrics, Minor Shan's "Age of the Scullyist" was executed in an amazing range of keys all at once. It was enough to make Detour!Scully cringe. No one wanted to admit knowing the tune of Ricky Martin's "La Vida Loca" -- and who can blame them? -- and Bryn's filk of "It's All Been Done" (Barenaked Ladies) turned into a Canadians vs. Americans attempt to please explain the lyrical nature of the "woo hoo hoo."

Fun FEST '99 Hymnal Statistics:
Of 16 nonmoviewording fantastic songs...
3 contained a reference to Scully's hooboy! bras
5 included the word "punk"
6 included the word "ditch"
8 mentioned at least one of the following variations:
Scully's ass, Scully kicking some ass, or Scully's tattoo, located just above her ass.

Not!Videos
After a short recess, during which FESTers could change into jammies and refortify themselves with either frosty blender beverage or liquid lard, all settled back down for a sacred video presentation. It would be hard to capture it all in words, especially since there was a lot we did NOT end up seeing, so here's a field report in brief.

About Betsy Dodd's video of Scully clips, set to Patty Griffin's "Mary," there's only one thing to say. Oh. My. God. Absobleepinglutely amazing. More than one viewer teared up.

Tammy P. came through again with a little something or two she claimed she just threw together. Between each bit she assured us, "It'll be about 10 seconds," to prevent people from thinking, "Oh, it's over already?" and wandering off to the hot tubs. Highlights included:After NOT watching a few goodies due to mechanical difficulties, there were two brief FtF PI sequences, courtesy of Tammy P., Sister "Best Hands" CathyS and The Sister Formerly Known as ShannonC, Sister "Best Special Snow FX" Bruce. In "Fight the Parka," the movie soundtrack was miraculously restored. Scully announced, nay, yelled twice about the bleeping UFO, "I SAW IT!" After seeing "Fight the Armani," viewers generally agreed that replacing DD with the Punkly PI brought more emoting to Mulder's end scenes (I can't describe it -- I can only say it was still hysterical upon a third viewing).

And thus ended the opening night FESTivities, and the minions tidied and wiped up spills and gathered discarded Pixy Stix and made merry and prepared to have sweet dreams of Smiling!Scully.

(Editor's Note: Many thanks to Sister Squat for not only putting together this year's Vespers book for us, but for printing it out and lugging it all the way from Canada! If you'd like to take a look at the whole thing she's put it online here: Fest '99 Vespers Hymnal. Thanks, Squat!)
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