News for the OBSSEsed
Issue No. 17, July/August 1998

OBSSEsed Fest 98!

Welcome Sisters, Brothers, and Faithful Friends to this Special Edition of "News for the OBSSEsed!"

If you've come here looking for Ask Sister Autumn, Member Muses, or one of our other regular monthly missives, I'm afraid you may be disappointed. This month we've decided to combine issues (July and August) to focus our Scullyistic sensibilities on what has already become legend in the Abbey Halls:

OBSSEsed Fest '98!
The First Ever International Gathering of the OBSSE Faithful!

Before we start the Post-Fest Wrap Up, however, I have a confession to make...

I didn't want to write this newsletter.

I know it may sound puzzling, but it's true. One of the reasons this newsletter is so late is that I just didn't want to do it. I didn't want to try and capture in words what we experienced at Fest. Just like I don't want to unpack the boxes of extra Fest packets and presents the Brothers and Sisters so generously bestowed upon me that STILL, nearly three weeks later, lie about my bedroom floor.

I'm not exactly sure quite how to explain it, except to ask, have you ever experienced a moment so fine and so good that you just wanted to freeze it in time? That's what OBSSEsed Fest was. It was something so perfect, I wanted to hold onto it forever. I didn't want it to end. By writing about it, I give it closure. And as much as the memories warm me, they also make me sad....

But enough of this Post Fest Depression, a phenomenon Sister Sarah Tonin is helping us Festgoers try and "work through." ;)! There is WAY too much fun to talk about for maudlin moments. So grab yourself a Scullyrita, pull up to the cool fire of your lap top, and join us as we Festgoers regale you with tales of three days and four nights of games, songs, food, fun, and FESTivities galore. And remember as you read our stories of morning and evening vespers, sloshing Scullyritas, video viewing the likes NO ONE has ever experienced, and harrowing abductions, that nothing...NOTHING...we can write will ever do this experience justice.

It's lame but true: You just had to be there. :)

But if you weren't, (and that would make...oh...750 of you), don't despair! Just follow us on our trip down memory lane, and repeat after me:

See you at OBSSEsed Fest '99!!!!

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RevMa Nancy (no clever sig)

Photo Contest Deadline Extended
by RevMa Nancy

Before we jump into the Post-Fest Wrap Up, we need to let you know that the deadline for the OBSSE "Post St. Scully!" Action Figure Photo Contest has been extended until August 10. For those of you who may have missed the contest rules the first time, read on!

The OBSSE "Pose St. Scully!" Action Figure Contest!

Original, huh? The rules are simple:

1.Acquire the recently released Scully and or Scully/Mulder action figures.
2. Pose your Scully and or Scully/Mulder action figure(s) in the most original/humorous/entertaining way possible.
3. Take a picture of your posed figures, and send it (via snail mail or email) to RevMa Nancy by AUGUST 10, 1998.

The winner (or winners...we may end up having categories) will be the photograph that displays the most original/humorous/entertaining pose. And just for the record, NC-17 or XXX poses won't be accepted, but that doesn't mean you still can't be creative/suggestive. Trust me. :)

In addition to the rules above, please pay attention to the following:

What will you receive for all this effort? Well, aside from entertaining yourself and others, if you win, you will receive an OBSSE Fest t-shirt (sizes large or extra large), a Scullycentric bumpersticker, and a Mulder Ball (we'll explain that one later). Runners up (if we have them) will get bumperstickers.

The contest will be judged by the RevMa herself and two nonOBSSE fellow Philes (just to keep us honest). So hit the toy stores, grab your cameras, and send in your entry!

A Fest to End All Fests:
The OBSSEsed Fest 98! Post-Fest Wrap Up
by RevMa Nancy (no clever sig)

OBSSE Fest '98EDITOR's NOTE: No wrap up worth its salt (Did someone order a frozen?) would be without photos. And boy, do we have photos! Thanks go to Sister Nanners and Brother WetLegKick who did a yeoman's job of gathering photos from many of the Festgoers and putting them all in one place for your visceral enjoyment. Although many photos of the Fest are sprinkled throughout the newsletter, check out Sister Nanners' Sacred Fest Photo Collection and Brother WetLegKick's OBSSEsed Fest Photo Album for a COMPLETE and uncensored (unfortunately...) look at OBSSEsed Fest '98!

It's all about Autumn.

Well, at least, it's all her fault.

You see, not so many months ago, OBSSE Co-Leader and my dear friend Autumn Tysko mentioned to me in passing that she and Nancy Martin (aka Nanchita or "Snack Girl" to use her Fest name) were thinking about flying down to Austin, Texas (my humble home) for the premiere of the XF movie. The point being, of course, so that we could see the movie together. Great idea! Little did I know at the time that 48 other people would want to join her. :)

Early, wistful emails on the OBSSE mailing list of, "Gee, wouldn't it be great to meet in real life?" quickly turned into, "Let's do it! Let's have a Fest!" and OBSSEsed Fest '98 was born.

Now I have to admit, when I first thought of a "Fest," I imagined at most...oh...20 people eating BBQ in my backyard. A nice little Texas-style garden party of sorts.

Who knew?

"I imagined at most...oh...20 people eating BBQ in my backyard....
Who knew?"

Registration for the Fest filled up so quickly, we had to close it. We just didn't have enough space at the hotel we'd lined up to host any more than 50 folks. And suddenly, what I thought would be a little "get together" turned into a real life EVENT with folks from as far away as Singapore...SINGAPORE! (Hi Pao! Al! Elizabeth!) coming to my little hot spot of the world (and I do mean HOT!) just to see a movie. (Well, not really just to see a movie. More on that later.)

Now, here, I must pause to say one thing:

If your mother raised you at all right, then the thought of 50 virtual strangers flying from across the country, nay, world for an event YOU are more or less hosting in YOUR city shall I say? A bit...daunting.

It was important to me, as more or less hostess of this great adventure, to make sure that I did all I could to ensure that people had a good time, that they got to see a little bit of the local culture, and that they got to sample the local cuisine. The way I saw it was this: These people are flying here on faith. Nothing else. And they're spending a LOT of money to do it. The least I can do is lay the groundwork for a good time.

And if I do say so myself, in that respect, I succeeded.

The Pre-Fest Party:
Wednesday, June 17

PreFest Party at Hula HutAlthough the party wasn't set to get going until Thursday evening, June 18, our party happy Order just couldn't wait. So many people had elected to fly in early that we added a Pre-Fest dinner on Wednesday, June 17, with nearly 20 folks in attendance!

We selected for our first group gathering Hula Hut, a restaurant that lies on one of Austin's lakes and sister to the famous Chuy's Hula Hut restaurant, home of the original Scullyrita, official drink of the OBSSE. Hula Hut is an odd sort of place--rather perfect for the OBSSE if you think about it. The food is Tex-Mex Polynesian, at least that's the best way I can think to describe it. And the décor is...well...unusual. With a few Scullyritas under our belts and napkins on our heads in wimple-like fashion, I knew then and there that I was among fellow lunatics...uh...I mean friends. (See photo at right.)

Nevertheless, despite what the photo at right may lead you to believe, the party had yet to begin....

OBSSEsed Fest, Day 1:
Thursday, June 18

The official opening day of the Fest on Thursday, June 18, arrived bright and VERY early, with Autumn T and I graciously volunteering to participate in a radio interview about the Fest with a local Austin station. This was only the beginning of what would be "The Great OBSSE Media Blitz of 1998." Sisters Gen and Allie, proving their invaluable "Helper" skills early on, joined us for our little excursion to the station, and the fun began.

Well, not fun actually. Not fun at all.

Unfortunately, my worst fears about this interview turned out to be true. Although two of the three morning Deejay hosts were kind (or at least, inoffensive), the third shall I say..a Howard Stern wannabe? A butt wipe? A misogynistic bastard?

Yeah, that about covers it.

But don't fear, Autumn T put him in his place, and the Fest rolled on.

Registration, which took place after lunch, was a trip! I can't tell you how much fun it was to see ALL OF THESE PEOPLE you have only read about or read from walk through the door! Fest goodie packets were handed out, Fest T-shirts slipped on, "Name that Nun" was in full speed, and all was good. I was able to present a very special gift of replicas of the Blessed Remission Chip to all of our members, courtesy Sister Makaway, which received hoots of applause. Then of course, it was off to dinner--Threadgill's to be exact, but I'll let Sister Paula tell you more about that when you read her restaurant review below.

Tammy Perpetua and Her Video Collection :)That evening, since it was the first night of the Fest, we decided it would be best to stay together as a group. So after dinner, we headed back to the hotel for food, festivities, and frolicking. Sisters Autumn and La.. whipped up a wonderful "mixer" game where each person was given a different XF character name that was taped to the person's back. The object of the game was to talk to people, asking "yes" or "no" questions about yourself, to guess which XF character you were. I was Samantha Mulder. (Ah, so close to Fox Mulder, yet so far!)

After a brief interruption by the local FOX affiliate's TV crew (Like I said, the media blitz was in full force!), it was time for the Sacred Scully Videos. Fortunately, thanks to the good will of a certain not-to-be named friend of mine, I was able to snag a projection system that allowed us to view St. Scully on a big screen in all Her Pantsuitedness glory! This came in handy with the first video of the night, a special video compilation of outstanding Scully moments, produced by our very own Sisters Tammy Perpetua and Cathy S (Photo at left.). I've got to hand it to these women. It was outstanding!!!

It was at this point that Sister Autumn T., trout-wielding woman extraordinaire, unveiled her top secret video surprises. I'm afraid that these "surprises" are just so darn secret that I can't exactly "name" them for fear of retribution by dark, sinister forces, but I will say this...

A certain season blooper tape, IF it existed, would be very funny. And Scully and Mulder, IF they ever kissed, would be awfully sweet.

'Nuff said.

OBSSEsed Fest Day Two:
Friday, June 19

Today was the day. The day to end all days. The day we had all been waiting for for months. It was...

My birthday :)

Oh, and it also was the premiere of the XF movie. Fancy that?

To celebrate, we got up early again. Okay, Sisters Gen and Allie and I got up early again. The FOX affiliate (which had succeeded in helping Sister Cheryl earn the nickname "Sister Soundbite" with her words of wisdom the night before) had asked a few of us to do a live shot on their morning news. So, being good media whores, we did it. A live interview in front of the theatre where we were going to see the XF movie that morning was set up. And you know what? It was fun. Sleepy, but fun. The interview came off great. Life again was good.

After our brush with fame, we returned to the hotel ostensibly to rest but really just to count down the hours until the 10:15 a.m. showing of the movie. (Well OF COURSE we'd be at the first showing! Are we not Scullyists???) Sister Autumn, always wanting to be first in line, took a crew of helpers with her and went to stake out our place in line early while I waited at the hotel to gather the rest of the flock, and off we went.

Blessed Chips!Now let me say, there is nothing like seeing the XF movie with a bunch of Scullyists. Being Scullyists, we aren't obnoxious (Okay, sometimes we can be...but let's not go there). We didn't yell or scream "Punk!" throughout the film. However, we did know when to show affection for our number one Saint, so when GA made her first appearance on screen...well..let's just say we were more than supportive.

The movie was a hit with us. The theatre itself was too, being one of the largest and newest stadium-type seating theatres in town. I need to point out that the theatre itself is actually located just north of Austin in a town called "Pflugerville." I think perhaps it was Sister La..Dee..Da.. who later would remark on the surrealism of people flying from the ends of the earth to go see a movie in Pflugerville, Texas. Ah well, it was worth it, no? ;)

Friday afternoon was spent in small groups on our own eating lunch, resting, looking for action figures, or going to see the movie again. :) Friday evening, however, is another story.

You can't come to Texas without eating BBQ. And one of the best places to eat BBQ is the County Line restaurant. So that's where we went. Again, I'll let Sister Paula fill you in on the gory details of our gouging, but suffice it to say that the food was good. So..uh-hum...were the drinks.

While the Sisters and Brothers gnawed, Neanderthal-style, on their rib bones, I, of course, made a speech. It was becoming a habit, so to speak. First I presented the Festgoers with a gift from Sister Szn--clever St. Scully coasters that she had created with her own little hands. We were thrilled! It was my turn, then, to receive a present. A birthday gift of a half-day retreat at the Austin Spa. (I can't count the many presents I received from folks. Thanks to all of you!!!)

This is about the time that I got myself into trouble and where I can honestly say, "I was drugged."

Party Hearty Agents!You see, it was my birthday, so, I decided to celebrate. One margarita was going to be my limit (since I was driving). The Sisters and Brothers, however, had other plans, and presented me with a scrumptious, but potent, Rita with a candle in it. In fact, I think it's called something like, "a Meltdown" or maybe a "Flaming Rita." Whatever it was, it worked it's magic. The rest of the evening was..well..history.

I do remember a few things, however. After dinner (at which point Sister Nanchita graciously offered to drive me back), a few of us went to see our famous Austin bats, which dwell under the Congress Avenue bridge in town. It's one of the largest (if not THE largest) urban bat colony in the world. The rest of the Brethren/Sistren returned to the hotel to begin the Evening Vespers, which were OBSSE hymns rewritten and sung to popular tunes by Sisters Jezebel, Squat, Lens, and Brother Colin. You haven't lived until you've heard "His Crap Will Go On" sung to the tune of the theme song from the "Titanic" with Brother Colin and Sister Meredith reliving the moment from the movie in pure OBSSE style. HA! You'll read more about this later.

We capped off the evening with a high stakes game of team charades. Only a truly OBSSEsed crowd could possibly guess the term "Wrong-Haired Prancy Body Double" in 5 seconds or less. And that's all I'll say about that.

OBSSEsed Fest Day 3:
Saturday, June 20

Saturday, for me, got off to a rather...slow start. I take it that some people went to see an early showing of the movie. Some went sightseeing. Others went shopping. And still others planned the coup de grace of the OBSSEsed Fest:


We returned together Saturday night thinking that the pinnacle of our Fest had been reached with the group movie viewing the day before. Little did we know that the best was yet to come. For unbeknownst to us Elders, a conspiracy had been hatched. A plot to abduct the action figure of St. Scully, in the safekeeping of Sister Lens-of-Science, had been formulated and was set in motion during our Saturday night dinner. You'll have to read Sisters Gen and Lens' stories for the details, but suffice it to say that it made for a great dinner mystery and wonderful entertainment once we returned to the hotel. Nothing could outdo The Abduction, so we finished our evening watching more of Sister Autumn's rare videos, receiving and giving more gifts, and eeking out as much time together as we possibly could.

OBSSEsed Fest Day 4:
Sunday, June 21

All good things come to an end. Damn. Don't you hate that? I know I do. And the Fest, which was SUCH a good thing, had to end too. On Sunday we got up, gave our hugs, and said our good-byes. OBSSEsed Fest '98 had come to an end. And we realized that it couldn't have been more perfect. But hey, we Scullyists are up for challenges. Let's see what damage we can do at OBSSEsed Fest '99!

Fest Food Review! MOO!

Let's face it - eating was central to Fest, and it was clear from the outset our main agenda was to eat everything not nailed down, lest we hurt RevMa's and Sister Nanchita's feelings. I daresay we accomplished our mission.

fork.gif (390 bytes)Threadgill's

Our beefocentric dining adventures began Thursday evening at the Austin landmark Threadgill's, local hotspot for good food and good music, co-owned by Sandra Wilson, mother of TV's Renee O'Connor, "Gabrielle" of Xena fame.

Being somewhat new to southern cooking, I perused the menu noting the abundance of beef - lots and *lots* of beef -- and pork. I ordered the bronzed Cajun catfish, garlic cheese grits and fried okra, having never sampled these Epicurean delights before, while those at my table enjoyed the chicken fried steak. It should also be admitted up front that a cheer rose from 50 nuns (give or take a few cherished brothers) when the bartenders announced the $1.50 price on the excellent frozen margaritas.

fork.gif (390 bytes)Snacks

XeNanchita! We returned to Habitat Suites for video viewing where Sister Mary Martha Stewart Nancy (aka Nanchita: Warrior Snack Princess) - worried, perhaps, that the drive home had left us weak - was lovingly putting the finishing touches on a glorious broccoli topiary towering in the middle of the groaning Table of Snackdom. Pretzels, cookies, crackers, veggie platters, chips, dips, salsa, fruit trays, and beverages abounded. Untroubled that our digestive systems had slowed to the speed of glacial melt, we ate.

And ate.

fork.gif (390 bytes)Transcontinental Breakfast

The next morning, expecting the typical continental breakfast of weak coffee and dry muffin, we found ourselves faced with a dazzling array of breakfast foods: hashbrowns, biscuits and gravy, scrambled eggs, fruit salad, muffins, bagels, real cream cheese not light cream cheese, and steaming carafes of coffee....

Again, we ate.

With heightened anticipation and cholesterol levels we headed for the movie. The RevMa, alert to unsanctioned snacking, had warned us, "Y'all knock it off with the Tic Tacs! You'll ruin your lunch!" I was beginning to sense a pattern, as well as congruency between RevMa and XeNanchita ... a little pact. We settled in to watch the movie.

Afterward, we were hungry.

fork.gif (390 bytes)Joe's Crab Shack

Indeed, we had gone a full two hours without nourishment, and the sitting, breathing, and added exertion of applause had taken its toll. It was possible we had expended a calorie, maybe two.

We checked our pulses and were surprised to find them detectable. With orders from RevMa, we herded dutifully in the direction of our cars. One sister could not restrain herself and mooed -- but the fact that our footsteps in the parking lot sounded like hooves clattering down a stockyard ramp was entirely coincidental.

After lunch at Joe's Crab Shack (porkalicious! fishalicious!) we checked our watches and realized we needed to be back at the Suites in less than two hours lest we be late for dinner. We were cutting it perilously close. At this point Sister Lens asked, "Are we on a cruise?" ... not for the first time.

fork.gif (390 bytes)County Line Restaurant

(Less than two hours later.... )

Located (appropriately) on Beecave Road, the County Line Restaurant has a reputation for having some of the best BBQ in Austin. Inside, we assembled ourselves family style at a long table where we were served platters of ribs the size of which Wilma Flintstone would approve. The RevMa coaxed me into trying one. "You need to just pick 'em up," she advised. I peered down the table and observed Sister Gen in animated conversation, gesturing elegantly with a beef rib the size of Papua New Guinea. Indeed, they *were* delicious. Frozen margaritas arrived in what appeared to be stainless steel *canisters*, along with sausages, potato salad, homemade bread, beans, and God knows what all which we passed about the table. The RevMa smiled serenely upon her little flock as we ate - it was hard for her to resist urging us to eat more. (In fact, if not for the well-timed delivery of a flaming birthday Scullyrita, she would more than likely have grabbed the barbecue tongs and served our plates with a culinary aplomb that would have made Ma Kettle green with envy.) She does it all for us.

fork.gif (390 bytes)More Snacks

(Minutes later....)

"Are we on a cruise?" Sister Lens asked yet again on the way back to Habitat Suites. Although we had indulged her to this point in believing we were indeed on a lovely cruise, we warned her to save her strength for ... The Snacks. Good advice, for back in the common room, XeNanchita, in anticipation of our frail condition due to 20 minutes without sustenance, was putting pimento studs on a cunning cauliflower bonsai arrangement, the centerpiece to a lavish crudite platter patterned after the Washington Arboretum. It was truly too beautiful to eat. But that didn't stop us.

We were hungry.

fork.gif (390 bytes)The Brick Oven

All Aboard!Sunday... and The Brick Oven. It humbles - no - it pains me - to admit that the next day my HDL/LDL levels must have been waging apocalyptic battle -- and I missed 9 minutes, repeatedly. I do recall arriving with Sister Lisa (FanficPlea) and Sister Squat at The Brick Oven Restaurant. After noting the excellent selection of Italian entrees, Lisa, Lens and I shared a portabello mushroom with prosciutto pizza. The Scully Abduction eclipsed *all* that evening, except for the Tiramisu that we shared - I secretly wished it were served in a vat with a wet suit. It was that good.

Not that I was hungry, but I did need to save room for ... The Snacks.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: For the permanent record, our RevMa, Nancy Cotton, is the consummate hostess. Not only did she extend herself in the most gracious manner toward all of her guests, but she thoughtfully arranged to show us regional "flavor" by selecting a few of the most interesting and notable restaurant venues in Austin. The food was superb everywhere we went, as was the company. And Nanchita's thoughtfulness more than made up for lying to us during the Scully Abduction - she looked out for us the entire weekend. Thank you, Nancy and Nanchita - you really did do it all for us. -- Paula R.

Games and FESTivities:
by Sister Synnova

EDITOR'S NOTE: What's a party without party games? And festivities. Lots and LOTS of FESTivities. Festgoers didn't even want to know. That's why Sister La..Dee..Da.. and Sister Autumn made sure OBSSEsed Fest '98 had games galore! Oh, and prizes. Lots and lots of prizes. Thanks go to our gamemasters and to Sister Synnova for giving us a rundown on the first ever OBSSEsed Fest Games.

After careful consideration, the OBSSE's many legal advisors felt it would be best if we dropped the originally intended Fest events and had activities that were a little less...physical. (For some reason the Abbey's insurance policy doesn't cover injuries incurred while attempting to reenact the PornoNurse!Kick.) The only Scullylympic event deemed safe was the Small Potatoes "Pop the Cork Between the Legs But Fast" Speed Race. As it turned out, there were few corks to be popped, but several Cuervo caps to be unscrewed. Being prepared for any situation, we resorted to Plan B: Games by Sister La..De..Da.., who deserves a huge thank you for all of her hard work and for just picking up her baton and making it happen.

Let the Games Begin!

In an opening mixer game of "20 Questions" on Day 1 of the Fest, our Brothers and Sisters had to rely on their cunning and wit (something there was no lack of in that particular group) to emerge triumphant. Each person had a character name taped to their back and had to do some serious investigating using only closed-end questions such as: "Am I a monster of the week?" "Do I die in the episode?" "Am I a recurring character?" etc. to discover their true identity. Sister CathyS, demonstrating her legal prowess and good luck, captured the prize in this round for having "TBO" (The Blessed One) displayed on her back.

Roll, Jez, Roll!On the second night of the Fest, the 50-some OBSSE members filling the Habitat Suites got what they had always wanted when, a few rounds into a rousing game of charades, Sister Paula drew "Stop, Drop and Roll" of Jersey Devil fame. A hush fell over the crowd. Would she do it? She nervously threw it back in the bowl and fished out another slip of paper. It too said, "Stop, Drop and Roll." Realizing she was the victim of a plot to deceive, inveigle, and obfuscate, (one bowl was meant entirely for Missy Pants and contained *only* Stop, Drop and Roll slips), she relied on Sister Jezebel to be her pinch hitter. Jez, pausing briefly to adjust her hoop skirt, boldly stepped up to the plate. By the time she had completed the motion - suffering only a minor carpet burn in the process - a deafening roar of laughter reverberated throughout the room. Other categories in this Scullycentric game of Charades included: Please Explain to Me the Scientific Nature of the Whammy, Bambi? Her Name is Bambi? and Wrong Haired Prancy Body Double, which I believe was guessed in something like three seconds. On a related WHPBD note, there have been allegations of Wrong Haired Pranciness on Jez's part. La..De..Da.., Chair of the Society for the Prevention of Wrong Haired Pranciness, has refused to comment until a formal investigation has been launched. A still of the incident has been leaked to the press. You make the call. (See Jez Stop! Drop! and Rolling in photo at right.)

Other previously scheduled events such as "Pin the Halo on St. Scully" and "Trivia," by Autumn were preempted due to live coverage of the Abduction of St. Scully. (More on that later.)

Did someone say FESTivities?

Festivities? Yes, we've got Festivities. Lots and lots of Festivities. Lots and lots of fun, laughter, viewings, prizes, and eating. Excess was the motif, and we wore it well. Armed with enough food to feed a small country, enough videotape to keep us occupied until the season premiere, and enough enthusiasm to put soccer fans to shame, the OBSSE welcoming committee greeted weary pilgrims with open arms and "Don't Mess With Texas" bags of goodies containing travel info, the Sacred Songbook (not to be confused with the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch...), the Fest Guide Book: OBSSEsed Fest '98!, a Nun finger puppet, magnets imported with love from our Singapore members, a Blessed Remission Chip compliments of Sister Makaway, a Scully bumpersticker, and the ever popular Mulderballs. Later we each received a St. Scully on a Stick, provided by Sister Lens-of-Science, (to make your own worship accessory see the June 1997 edition of the newsletter) and a St. Scully coaster - perfect for placing under a Scullyrita - courtesy of SztrSzn of the Aurora Borealis Temple of the Perpetual Haircicles, to add to our new collection of Scully memorabilia. One quick release form to sign, and the Fest t-shirts were ours. We were ready for the Festivities to begin.

Early Friday morning a few brave Sisters went to stake out a position in line at the theatre and to mingle with the press. Their mission was a success. Not only did they get us good seats, they also made a few converts and spread the gospel and web address of the OBSSE. While waiting, we took lots and lots of photos with our Blessed Remission Chips. With that first breathtaking glimpse of our Saint in all her giant screen glory, the members were too stunned to react, but by the time she yelled out, "Don't think, just pick up the phone and make it happen!" the initial shock was over and - showing marvelous restraint by not standing up as a collective group and yelling "Give her all the prizes!" - a demure, well-timed, short round of applause broke out. I really am Proud to be OBSSE. Our behavior was befitting of Nuns - even Sister Anne, who apparently usually has difficulty in theaters, was so well behaved that she earned herself a prize package of Tic Tacs!

Evenings were spent in the pews of the communal viewing room watching videos provided by Autumn and not watching videos provided by NotAutumn. Bloopers, Bad Blood, a really cute video of Kevin and Amy, OBSSE in the local press, and a few things of the Earthly Incarnation including the Extremis video, which left some members chanting *OhMyGod*. As a special treat, we had a compilation video of the many faces of our Saint made by Sister Tammy Perpetua with help from Sister Cathy S. It included such classics as OurLittleSailor!Scully, KickAss!Scully, Smiling!Scully, and Ditched!Scully. You haven't lived until you have quoted along to such words of wisdom as: "I'm here to tell you that if he dies because of what you've done, four days from now, no one will stop me from being the one to throw the switch and gas you out of this life for good you son-of-a-bitch!" with 50 other Scullyists.

Gathered in the name of TBO, we spent four days hearing her word, singing her praises (and occasionally praises of Mulder and Mitch as well), participating in the sacraments (some with such religious fervor that one blender was actually broken!), and most importantly, getting to know one another. There are hits and there are misses - and then there are hits.

This was a hit.

Ye Olde Vespers

EDITOR'S NOTE: Never let it be said that the OBSSE skimps when it comes to our religious responsibilities. Although it may have been Fest, the OBSSE Brethren and Sistren dutifully went about their morning and evening vespers with great...uh...fervor. Here now is a snippet of one such solemn occasion. Please note that the Holy Hymns, which are presented only in part below, will appear in their totality soon on the OBSSE web site. Thanks to Sisters Jezebel, Squat, Lens, and Brother Colin for their development. Please, bow your heads and pray...

Sister Autumn reads from the Book of OBSSE
Chapter Two, Verses Nine to Twenty-Eight:

9 And Saint Scully raised Her cell phone up on high, saying, "O Carter, bless this mine cell phone that with it I mayest cut Mulder off on a regular basis and verily annoy him, in thy mercy."

10 And the Carter did grin, and the People did feast upon the heaping plates of veggies and cheese and chips and dip, though verily they had already feasted at Threadgills World Headquarters and The County Line and The Brick Oven, and didst they partake also of copious amounts of Shiner Bock and some weird beer and tequila concoction and other drinks of tequila, and indulge in videos and non-existent not-gag reels and not-outtakes of The Show Which Hath No Peer.

11 Then did Saint Scully raise up Her very large flashlight that it may also be blessed, saying, "O Carter, bless this mine very large flashlight that it never go out, that its batteries just keep going and going, that it never be dropped, lost, or damaged, and that with it I might smite Mulder about the head a bit, that some sense be knocked therein."

12 And the Carter did chuckle, and the People didst repeatedly flock to see The Movie Which Hath No Peer, and throng to toy stores to buy action figures, and to Suncoast to purchase the very last X-Files movie t-shirt and baseball cap and stainless steel thermal coffee mug and Official Movie Magazine and token South Park note pad with which to appease a sibling back home to the tune of major bucks plus tax.

13 And the Carter spake, saying, "Nice try, Saint Scully. For thou art with angst and so shalt thou ever be, that ratings be boosted higher and higher, particularly during sweeps week." And verily did Saint Scully become pissed off.

Hymn: Scullyritaville

By Sister Squat
(with apologies to Jimmy Buffett)
Ditched and deskless,
Angst till I'm senseless.
A chip in my neck and some stupid black oil.
Watching more slide shows
Vacation's a no-go.
Gotta cut up that body, it's beginning to spoil.
Wasted away again in Scullyritaville,
Searching for my lost piece of the plot.
Some people claim that there's a reason I came
And it's got
To be somebody's fault.

14 And so it came to pass that Saint Scully developed a skin of great thickness, to cast away the blows which the Carter visited upon Her that She may be struck down.

15 And behold, abduction destroyeth Her not, nor pestilence, nor machinations of the Syndicate, nor endless slide shows, nor ditching, nor infection with viruses, nor being dipped in goop and displayed naked in an alien grocer's freezer section, nor loss of Emily who might have been the fruit of Her loins if She was actually allowed to get any (and if She were not made also barren by abduction, see above). Yea, verily, She is fine. Dammit.

Hymn: Dammit, I'm Fine.

By Sister Lens
(to the tune of "Closer to Fine," with apologies to the Indigo Girls)
Can't quite figure out what's happened to my life.
Before I met him it was boring, but without strife.
Now it's abduction, coma, cellular abnormality
Not to mention mind control through my TV.
But hey, I'm fine, after all.
I've got a partner with a streak of self-obsession.
For Mulder I've put my ass on the line.
Jail, exploding bodies, frozen ova,
My one child was a Millenium left-over.
Did I mention that I'm fine?
I became a doctor, I went down to DC.
They stuck me in the basement, with that psycho who works with me.
Now there's only one answer to this question
That he's always asking me.
Through tumors, fam'ly deaths, rampant psycopathy--
I told you I'm fiiiiiiiine (yeah).
Dammit, Mulder, I'm Fine.

16 Tempest and torment thus plagued Saint Scully and the Carter saw this, and it was good in his sight. The People wept, and there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth and grumbling into Shiner Bock and drinks of tequila and taking of the Carter's name in vain and feasting and festing and buying of action figures yea that they may pose Scully in all Her Almighty kick-ass ways and be placated. And the Carter guffawed.

Hymn: His Crap Will Go On.

By Sister Jezebel
(with apologies to James Horner and Will Jennings, but NOT Celine Dion)
Every night
In nightmares
I see him with slide shows.
I just know
He'll go on for hours.
I perform
Without eating dinner.
While he
my pizza devours.
Near, far
Wherever we are
I believe that his crap will go on.
Once more,
He'll break down my door,
And he'll know
From my eyebrow
I hate
When his crap goes on.

17 And still the Carter saw that the People did yet worship and make websites and mailing lists and chat rooms in the name of Saint Scully, and he was verily puzzled. And so it came to pass that the Carter would visit upon the People a new temptation. "Behold," saith the Carter, "I visit upon thee a demon in the guise of a smart-ass and somewhat punkish man with greeny-hazel eyes and pouty lips." And the People trembled, and imbibed, and shopped, and feasted, and fested, and fiddled with action figures.

18 The Carter saw this, and made he his little notes.

19 "Behold," saith the Carter, "I visit upon thee this demon in a teeny tiny vestment of sopping wet red Spandex." And the People spake in hushed tones amongst their number, and though they imbibed and fiddled and feasted and fested and shopped and made merry were yet deeply troubled. And the Carter knew he was onto something.

20 "Behold," saith the Carter, "I visit upon thee twice in the space of several months this very buff demon with not a stitch on." And the People were sore afraid, and did they then entreat the Carter to cutteth it out already, but verily they meant it not.

21 "Behold," saith the Carter, "I visit upon thee a forty-foot version of the demon in theatres everywhere, wearing a vestment of snug poly-cotton and treating Saint Scully very nicely and compassionately for a change." And fences throughout the land did collapse under the burden, and ships did sail.

22 Then spake Saint Scully, "Fear not, my sistren and brethren who have gathered in my name, for I know this demon, and his name is Mulder. Be ye not deceived by his false prophecy of Truth, nor yet distracted by his admittedly rather scrumptious biceps and other, um, physical attributes. For thou knowest where the Truth lies, and thou knowest that the Truth is in Me, which is where thou needst to pursue it as soon as possible."

23 And the People set down their action figures and their handfuls of chips and veggies and their credit cards (yet did they hang on to their Shiner Bocks and drinks of tequila) and rejoiced.

Hymns: Faith; Scully G-Woman.

By Sister Squat
(with *no* apologies to George Michael)
Well I guess we are all here
To worship in St. Scully,
Our smart and saintly Scully,
Who keeps us all so pure and true.
And when temptation comes along,
Say, in the form of Mulder,
That punky, selfish Mulder,
She tells us what to do.
Some of us think of him in red Speedos,
Or jay-bird nekkid in a storage crate,
Or even wet and starkers in the shower,
Our Scully comes to save us before it is too late.
'Cause we gotta have faith.
We gotta have faith.
Because we gotta have faith-a, faith-a, faith.
We gotta have faith.
By Sister Lens
(With apologies to Johnny Rivers)
There's a doc who leads a life of danger.
To everyone she meets, she stays a stranger.
With each case she investigates
Her partner, another ditch he makes.
Odds are he won't live to see tomorrow.
Scully G-Woman, Scully G-Woman,
They've given you an office
But the door it lacks your name.

24 And the Carter ROTFLHAO, because he knew that pretty much regardless of what he did, it maketh for great box office and inaugural Season Six ratings. And the People ate it up by the bucketful, and imbibed, and feasted, and fested, and shopped, and invested inordinate amounts of time and cash and bandwidth to rejoice and worship in Her glory.

25 Still yet the People were troubled, and they did tally up times Mulder the Demon was made victim and compareth it to times Saint Scully was so victimized, and when the tallies worked out to about the same, did they then argue about who hath suffered the most in a qualitative sense. And did they point and accuse the Carter of being misogynistic whilst at the same time agreeing that Saint Scully was verily the most kick-ass female character to have ever graced a television screen.

26 And it was during these times that the Carter still messed with the mytharc and the heads of the People in spades. And the People did grin and clamor for more. And still did Saint Scully and Her followers keep a tally of Her misfortunes (which did not yet destroy Her, but did still make Her stronger and more kick-ass than ever, go figureth).

Hymn: Alien Rhapsody

By Brother Colin
(with apologies to Queen)
Is this my real life? Is this just lunacy?
Dead mutants alive, Mulder's chasing an E.B.E.
Open your eyes, look up to the skies
And see...
I'm just a poor boy, lusting for Ms. Scully
Because she's really short, really cute,
Ah Scully! What a beaut!
Everything that PUNK does,
Doesn't really matter to me...
Mulder, just met a man.
Got a tattoo on my butt,
Went back to his home to rut.
But Mulder, I had just begun,
When Ed Jerse rolled over and went to sleep.
Scully! ooo-ooooh!
I don't have a life!
Sometimes wish I'd hit on you years ago...

27 And in the fullness of time it came to pass that after reviewing Her trials and misfortunes that Saint Scully did receive an epiphany of sorts about the Carter. And thus being fed up, did Saint Scully take up Her very large flashlight and smite the Carter about the head a bit, that some sense might be knocked therein.

28 And the People rejoiced, and imbibed, and feasted, and fested, and shopped, and debated, and fiddled with action figures, and saw The Movie Which Hath No Peer repeatedly, and looked forward to Season Six.

Thus endeth the Lesson.

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EDITOR'S NOTE: The highlight of the Fest, the coup de grace, was an insanely ingenious "abduction" of a Scully action figure that occurred the last day of the Fest. No mere words can explain the hysteria (hysterics?) that unfolded, but Sister Lens-of-Science and Sister Gen will try. Read on to find out the details of the Great Abduction Plot of OBSSEsed Fest '98!

The Great Scully Caper : Comments from the Clueless (i.e. Elders)
by Sister Lens-of-Science

See, the thing is, I was drugged.

Well, drunk.

OK, not drunk, but I was really, really behind on my sleep. The point is, I'm not an idiot, regardless of the way the facts may appear. Oh, but perhaps you weren't there, or missed out on some of the highlights? Well, let me start at the beginning...

cigsHabitat Suites: June 20, 10:13 a.m.
Brother Colin had returned from a rigorous trip to the local toy store in Austin with one of the extremely hard to find "FBI Mulder and Scully" doll sets, which he conceded to scalp, er, sell, that is, for a good price. It was worth it. An improbably long-legged plastic duo, impossibly articulated, with non-removable clothing [Ed. Note: I checked everywhere], complete with squishy-dissolving-fireman and Pod accessories . who could resist, I ask you? Not I.

All afternoon, as I went to see the movie, consumed margaritas, and flirted with the waitstaff with Squat, NancyFF, Paula, and Jezebel at the bar closest to the movie theatre exit, Mulder and Scully resided safely in my purse. [Ed. Note: Because I wanted them near. It is not weird. I'm 31. Why do you ask?].

Staggering back--actually, let's simply call it "returning"--to the Go-Go Room, I walked in on chaos. Seriously, we are talking Dante's ninth circle of hell. So many people were crammed into the suite that it looked like Altamonte. Nuns were singing on one couch. Nuns were reading the movie script and shrieking with joy on another couch. Nuns were performing "Evita" from the balcony of the second floor. Colin, La.. De.. Da.., and Autumn were in the center of this circus, posing Colin's action figures in the crudite platter, attempting to recreate, as best as I can recall, the famous "Salad Bar" scene, from the beloved dual episodes Pilgrimsazi/The Pilgrim Way. Anyway, there were tequila, dolls, digital cameras, and a catering platter involved, and right about this time my memory begins to get fuzzy. I must have lost nine minutes.

cigsNinth Circle of Hell: 9 Minutes Later
I wandered into the bedroom to grab my purse for dinner. Inside I saw my Mulder doll but no Scully. "Hmmmm." I thought to myself. "When I looked last, Mulder and Scully were locked in carnal embrace [Ed. Note: Oh right, like you wouldn't have done the same thing.] in my purse. Now Scully is missing, and Mulder has acquired a small gold cross around his neck."

"Must be nothing," I thought to myself, completely failing to make any kind of connection.

cigsThe Brick Oven Restaurant: June 20, 7:16 p.m.
Seated, puzzling over the loss of my beloved Scully dolly -er, collectible, soon-to-be-extraordinarily-valuable-just-like-the-old-Star-Wars-figures-that -now-go-for-five-hundred-bucks-at-least-so-it's-not-a-doll-dammit action figure, I was approached by a handsome waiter, (Sister Synnova confirmed this BTW - the guy was, and this is verbatim here, "a hottie") bearing a red-and-white pack of cigarettes. [Ed. Note: Dialogue reported in quotes is verbatim. I swear on my Saint Scully Action Figure. Really.]

"These were left in the cigarette machine by mistake," he said calmly. "They aren't my brand." He set them on the table beside me and walked away in a fairly sinister (for a waiter, I mean) manner. Reluctantly tearing my eyes from the fit of his Dockers, I pondered the strangely familiar pack of cigarettes. It bulged slightly (Editor's Note: Uh...Lens? What was it that bulged slighted???), as if something had been stuffed into the closed, sealed pack.

"Hmmmm. How peculiar," I thought to myself, tossing the cigarettes to the side and completely failing to make any kind of connection.

cigsStill in the Italian Restaurant: Two Seconds Later
That odd bulge intrigued me. I retrieved and opened the pack to find..


At last, I made a connection.

cigsThe Truth Was Not Out There Still at the Italian Restaurant Around 7:30 that Same Night Chaos Ensued
She Makes No Connection...I found myself quietly grateful that we had been contained--er, thoughtfully seated--by the restaurant management in a private room. I quickly assembled my crack (ed up) legal team consisting of Brother "I am not a lawyer" Colin and Sister "I'll trout the answers out of you, dammit!" Autumn. We began our questioning.

My first thought was to search everyone's trunks, right then and there. And their car's trunks too, for that matter. Glasses and Gen put an end to that plan, citing some obscure legal text [Ed. Note: That was the Bill of Rights]. Then Autumn began circulating, inspecting handbags and purses, on the assumption that anyone who refused to open up her purse was clearly hiding something. During this legally indefensible, unreasonable search-and-seizure (according to Sisters Gen-and-Glasses, the killjoy foreign attorneys in the bunch), Sister Soundbite (formerly known as Cheryl) proclaimed firmly and repeatedly that she had vital evidence to assist in our investigation and would produce the culprits in exchange for copious amounts of beer.

Bribery would obviously have to play a large part in our investigational strategy. Autumn announced that the one responsible for this brilliant scheme would receive her copy of the script to "Never Again" in exchange for surrendering. No dice.

Our first real break came when Sister Nanners pointed out that the handwriting on the note looked eerily and suspiciously similar to the handwriting of one Sister Tammy "I-swear-to-god-I-have-no-idea-what-you-are-going-on-about-and-aren't-we-going-to-get-thrown-out-of-here-for-making-this-much-noise?" Perpetua.

Sister Tammy denied everything. Damn her.

Our next clue came when Dr. Sarah Tonin nearly crumbled under my steely glare, the threat of Autumn's trout, and Brother Colin's skillful and increasingly loud-and-drunken interrogation. Trembling, she was on the verge of confessing when Sisters Gen and Glasses "The OJ Defense Team" shot over, muttering dark threats about due process and dinner being served.

Justice would have to wait until after dinner.

cigsThe Car Driving Home: 8:45pm, June 20, 1998
Lacking a suitable target upon whom to vent our frustration, the Elders turned on each other like vicious ferrets.

Autumn started in on Nanchita immediately. "You are in on this, aren't you? Tell me the truth!"

"I wish I had been. Really." Nanchita's little face was earnest and utterly sincere. Besides, she's Nanchita for heaven's sake! She couldn't have been involved!

"Admit it, La.., You did this." I was of the opinion that this had La.. De.. Da..'s fingerprints ALL OVER IT.

"Nope. Not guilty, dammit. I wish I were. I am pretty sure it was Paula."

"ME? HA. I wish." Sister Missy Pants was indignant.

"Fess up Lens. This was your scheme." This was from Colin, which I thought showed a hell of a lot of nerve, as I was certain he was involved as well.

"Do you swear on The Tombstone Of The Abducted Saint Scully that you had no part in this?" I was still convinced Autumn was lying through her teeth.

"I swear!" Autumn was not demure. "Do you honestly believe that had I come up with this plan, I would be able to resist taking credit for it?"

This was an excellent point. Clearly, not one of us would be able to contain our glee, had we been responsible. A pained silence fell in the rental car, as we suddenly realized that none of us had any part in this masterful plan. We had been completely out-maneuvered and out-classed.

It was horrible. We would have to make the culprits pay.

Wimpleheaded Women of the CourtcigsThe, Abbey Courtroom: June 20, 9 p.m.
A trial was convened. The guilty would be punished. The rest of us would have frosty blender drinks. It had been so Decreed.

Sister Boris, Bearer of the Neon Tetra (who doesn't get Ops), acted as the Trial Bailiff.

"All Rise. Court is now in session. The honorable (well usually) Reverend Mother Nancy is presiding."

"Hi!" Nance cheerfully waved a frosty blender drink at the courtroom and adjusted her rosary, handcuffs, and wimple, immediately seeming to become...well.blonder somehow. It was eerie.

Boris, as Court Bailiff, was responsible for swearing in each witness on her sacred copy of Mulder, it's Me. The first witness was a grieving Ma Scully dressed in black, and draped in crime scene tape.

"When my daughter was a little girl.. she killed a snake.." Ma Scully broke into wild, uncontrolled sobs.

"Not now, Maggie. Pay attention. Do you promise to tell the Truth, not to Deceive, Inveigle, or Obfuscate, and to Deny Nothing, so help you Scully?"

"Oops, sorry." The tears disappeared magically. "I do."

Lens, distraught..."Do you solemnly swear?"


"Works for me!" The RevMa gestured grandly, sloshing tequila-flavored ice out of her glass.

Brother Colin began eliciting testimony from the grieving mother.

"Mrs. Scully," he began gently, "Do you recognize this particular Action Figure?" He waved the Mulder doll at the jury.

"I don't know. I'll have to see it naked."

"I OBJECT!" Sister Gen strode indignantly to the judges' table shouting something about due process. Autumn rose regally from her seat next to the Honorable (well, usually) Reverend Mother.

"This calls for the first Real Life Troutslap."

Sister Gen bravely extended her hand.

The jury erupted in horror. Evidently Troutslapping is done on a slightly lower latitude.

When cold beverages were fetched from the suites, and order was restored in the courtroom, Brother Colin continued reviewing key pieces of evidence with the jury.

"And what did you think when the waiter delivered the cigarettes?" he grilled, gesturing to the evidence table.


Colin continued. "Is it true you made no connection whatsoever?" I muttered something vaguely affirmative. Colin turned to the jury. "Did you hear that?"

"Yes! She made no connection!" the jury shouted back enthusiastically.

This was getting embarrassing. Time to deflect his attention. Besides, I was out of beer.

I was released from the witness stand. It was clear to all that I knew nothing.

cigsThe Truth is Still Elsewhere: The Abbey Courtroom Still Later That Evening
Witnesses were called, and clues were gathered. Sisters Gen and Glasses represented the defendants to the best of their bar tabs.

During the review of the clues, it was noted that Rev Ma got a tad tangled up while inspecting the evidence - to wit she somehow managed to handcuff Mulder to her own wrist. Repeatedly. [Ed. Note: To her credit, she swears this was accidental.]

The trial was briefly interrupted by a call on the hotel house phone. Brother Ted (aka WetLegKick) took the call.

"There is a message for you at the front desk."

Bailiff Boris, Sister Ant, and Sister Gen accompanied me to the front desk, where the clerk handed over..


I returned to the courtroom and resumed my place on the stand. Colin was wrapping up his argument saying, "I have one final piece of evidence to put before the court this evening." I discreetly waved the second note. Colin continued, "Two, I have TWO final pieces of evidence to put before the court this evening. The first, this note from the abductors. The second - " But he was interrupted again, this time by Sister Glasses, part of the defense team.

"Colin, if there is a point, please feel free to come to it."

Rogue Rescue!cigsAbbey Courtroom: June 20, 10:13 p.m.
At that instant, at 10:13 exactly, two combat-booted Rogue Sisters, Sister Commando!Meredith and Sister Uzi!Sik!Chickie burst into the room howling like Xena, Warrior Princess, cocking weapons (Ca-Chunk) and waving a rescued Saint Scully around like a beacon, potato peelers and Super!Soakers at the ready.

The spectators gallery, (La.., Paula, Squat, Jezebel, and NancyFF erupted in simultaneous cries of "Oh! Deah! Gott!" and began humming the theme to Mission Impossible, while waving their little plastic nun finger-puppets in time to the beat.)

Brother Colin began his intense questioning of the Rogues.

"Sister Meredith." here he paused to glare at her accusingly. "What color is that LIPSTICK?"

"I object." This from Sister Glasses.


"I just do."

"Sustained." The RevMa has the last word on these things..

It soon became evident that Sik!Chikie and Meredith were only the tip of the conspiracy er. iceberg.

Eventually, the entire group of culprits--the consortium, as it were--were uncovered through rigorous questioning by Brother Colin, and also because they confessed. It came as no surprise to anyone that the defense legal team was involved.

Consortium of the QuietThe guilty parties, those that came to be known as The Consortium of the Quiet are: Sister Sik!Chickie, Sister MaryKate, Sister Joanne, Sister Glasses, Sister Juliettt, Sister Gen, Sister Meredith, Sister Nanners, Sister Synnova and Sister Ant, with Nanchita on drums and communications. This last culprit was particularly devastating to Autumn, who spent the rest of Fest stricken, muttering, "She lied to my face. I thought I knew her."

Dr. K has since prescribed rest, quiet, and valium.

Penance has yet to be determined.

The Great Scully Caper : Behind the Scenes of an Elaborate Hoax
by Sister Gen with the help of Sisters Synnova, Jezebel, Lens, and Nanners

It all began with a routine stop at Walmart. The quest for the FBI!Scully Action Figure (hereafter referred to simply as "SCULLY") had turned up nothing and, well, we were *bitter*. Then, the idea that would shape all events to come came out of Juliettt's mouth: We should abduct the figurine owned by Sister Lens, that very sister who had taunted us with that long legged version of TBO. Little did we know that that our actions would be giving our Saint a welcome respite from a day, nay, *days* of lewd postures with the Mulder doll . erm . but that's another matter.

cigsJune 20: 2:35 p.m.
The Consortium of the Quiet immediately formed with Sisters Ant, Nanners, Joanne, Meredith, Synnova, Marykate, Sik!Chickie, Juliettt, Glasses and myself as its members. After a quick brainstorming in the toy aisle, we first found a perfect cross necklace for our Scully ($4.95) and we agreed to hold another planning session upon our return to the War Room (Nanners' digs at the hotel). Phase 2 of the planning would have to start without me. I had a reconnaissance mission to attend to: visit the Go-Go Room West (The so-dubbed Elder's suite where Lens lived). My scouting for figurines would not look suspicious; since pre-Fest, I had spent some time in that suite, helping with all sorts of Abbey business, such as downing Scullyritas.

We drove back in separate cars in order to be as discreet as possible. Down I-35 in the NunMobile (the Minnesota sisters' -- Ant, Syn and Chickie -- vehicle, tastefully decorated with nuns Scotchtaped to the windows), we jotted down ideas for a ransom note: what to ask for in return for SCULLY's safety (Extra Credit for all Festgoers), how much MC (well, it was Lens' SCULLY) we could introduce to the text and still fit on a single piece of hotel stationary, how to deliver the note in an X-Filish fashion and so on.

cigsJune 20: 3:15 p.m.
The scouting mission was a dead end. Autumn and other sisters were religiously watching rare GA videos, the door to Lens' room was shut, and no figurines were in sight. Hiding my disappointment, I quietly exited the premises as bad student films flashed across the TV screen.

It became obvious that we needed a Plan B and that we would have to resort to involving one from the Elders' inner sanctum who would be willing to help our cause, i.e. do the dirty deed, steal SCULLY. Our choice fell naturally on the inconspicuous Nanchita. Chickie and Nanners delivered her a note:

"For Your Eyes Only. St. Scully needs your help! Come to room 2202 immediately.
Don't think ! Just pick up your keys and MAKE IT HAPPEN !"

cigsJune 20: 4 p.m.
Our sisters returned safely, their mission accomplished, but with a hitch: Nanchita said she would meet us before going to dinner, which just might be too late to execute Plan B. So the Consortium of the Quiet brainstormed again, finding options in case Nanchita couldn't steal SCULLY for us:

Plan C: Do the virtual thing: don't steal her, but do just as if you'd done so. That meant hanging the cross necklace on the Eldermobile's rearview mirror, leaving a cigarette butt on the passenger seat. Extra possibility, have a tape ready in the cassette player with appropriate X-Files music to accompany the shock of finding the setup.

Plan D: Come full circle and kidnap our own Scully. Juliettt, Synnova, and Meredith joined forces and picked up their cellphones. Okay, okay -- the clunky hotel phones -- and rang up every possible outlet in and around Austin. But to no avail: the Action Figures were nowhere to be found. Lens would definitely have to pay..

cigsJune 20: 4:30ish.
Our faith in the righteousness of our endeavor was renewed as Meredith experienced a bona fide Scullymata (except for the fact that the blood came out of the *other* nostril, that is). From then on, our luck changed. Soon thereafter, we were informed by a clueless but ever so helpful Cheryl -not Duckworth- Hardin (in the War Room for just a few minutes in order to raid the Shiner Bock beer fridge) that the Elders and visitors to the Go-Go Room West were playing around with the action figures, posing them to enter pics in the Newsletter contest.

Seizing the occasion, I went back to what would be the scene of the crime. Busy masses of Sisters and a Brother were coming and going. At the bar, I found the Mulder doll by itself, dressed in white cape, worshipping the towering bottle of Cuervo Gold. No Scully. Hmmm. I managed to make La.. bring SCULLY out by wondering out loud why Mulder wasn't worshiping *her*. It seems our Elders had only been playing with the Mulder doll until then. (I wonder still what that could mean.) I was content that SCULLY was now in plain view for Nanchita to steal when the time came. In the bedroom adjoining the living room, Lens finished reading her email and was kind enough to offer me the use of her computer to check mine. I was going to the laptop lying near the pillows on the bed when my fellow Swiss Misses, Synnova and MaryKate, wandered in. As MaryKate was making a diversion in the living room, Syn dropped her camera bag at the foot of the bed, and as she was taking out her Nikon, she saw it. ***Another SCULLY *** was lying there, inside Lens' open purse, caught in the arms of one PUNKish doll. We just looked at each other amazed at our good fortune, thinking "This can't be happening." Our hearts stopped, and swiftly, Syn grabbed SCULLY and threw her in her bag and did what she had gone to the Go-Go Room West for: she took pictures of all the lovely OBSSE folk. Left solo in the room, I shoved SCULLY in my pocket and wrapped the cross necklace around the Mulder doll's neck. I left him there, alone at the bottom of the purse, lying on his back, arms outstretched . ditched.

All afternoon in the War Room, intertwinded with the events already mentioned, tasks had been accomplished and others assigned. Ant had gone out and, against her principles, bought a pack of Marlboros as a delivery means for the ransom note. After a search, lead by Joanne, for the right magazines to clip from for the ransom note, we realized that "THERE'S NO TIME." Glasses used her unusual European handwriting, in traditional "ransom note form," to complete the note. Nan figured that we could have a waiter at the restaurant make the delivery to Lens while serving the drinks. I later learned that she coached him to use the "I found these in the machine. They're not my brand" line. Evidently, the guy wasn't as talented as GA, but he did get the job done. Even though Lens DIDN'T MAKE THE CONNECTION..

cigsJune 20: 7 p.m.ish
At the restaurant, Lens finally read the note and informed us that SCULLY had been abducted. The Elders . how should I put this? The Elders flipped. Totally. The Inquisition began, and suddenly everyone was under suspicion. It was a thing of beauty to see Nanchita lie through her teeth and Autumn defending her: "It's not her style." Syn, who during interrogation practice earlier in the Swiss Misses Quarters had failed miserably at hiding her involvement as MaryKate was grilling her, came through marvelously. As Jezebel accused her "Oh, *you* did this," Syn responded straight faced: "I *wish* ! ". Glasses and I, amazingly not blowing our covers in the process, defended all the innocent, reminding them of their constitutional rights and instructing them to "deny everything" (I'm kidding, Tammy thought of that one all by herself).

cigsJune 20: 9:30 p.m.ish
We didn't anticipate that The Elders would put together a grand jury investigation. But our plans were set and continued to unfold without a hitch (like a flower?). Ant had convinced the desk clerk to call the Festroom and say that there was a message for Lens at the front desk. The call came just as she was tearfully recounting the events that lead her to take the stand. Preparing ourselves for some Elder counterplan, Ant had even told the desk clerk what to answer if asked about who delivered the note: "A guy called Quiet Willy."

cigsJune 20: 10:13 p.m. Exactly!
Sik!Chickie and Meredith finally had a chance to don their combat boots, take out their weapons, and rescue our SCULLY from the depths of Meredith's lunchbox, which, incidentally, had been searched by Autumn, who MISSED IT. At precisely 10:13, they charged into the Festroom, bellowing war cries, brandishing SCULLY.

The Rogues, who had saved SCULLY, were summarily called to the stand and treated like petty criminals by a Peacock Prosecution Attorney (Our own BroColin). SCULLY herself intervened, through her attorney . me. Yes, the Consortium of the Quiet had abducted her. But once she was informed of the object of the Project (to obtain Extra Credit for all Festgoers), she at once sympathized. Autumn, upon hearing this, said, disgusted "Yeah, *right*, Helsinki Syndrome.." That's an SRE if I ever heard one.

I maintain it was still the best and only defense: the truth . ahem .

P.S. On a last, personal, note, I would like to thank all the devious members of the Consortium of the Quiet for an all around well executed scenario. We all managed to do great jobs, to keep our mouths shut, and to brandish innocent looks through the Inquisition and the laughter. Same goes for our supporters, Nanchita ("I would have stolen her, I would have"), NancyFF (whom we wanted to avenge for all the "taping issues" jokes she endured), Cheryl (we had intent and motive, you gave us opportunity) and Tammy Perpetua (who figured it out while everybody else was clueless). Finally, let's thank Lady Luck, the Elders who were just such good sports, and all the Festgoers who jumped on the Great Scully Caper bandwagon. As Pepe Le Pew (my sometime alter ego) would say : You are ze best, no ?

Fest Soundbites
by Sister Nanchita (aka "Snack Girl")

EDITOR'S NOTE: In every Fest, a few soundbites must fall. The following are quotes, HONEST TO ST. SCULLY ACTUAL QUOTES heard and overhead at Fest. My, aren't we the chatty bunch? ;)

microphone"Squat surprised me. I expected her to look more overtly perverted."
Brother Colin, musing during one of the numerous occasions Fest-goers commented on how their expectations of people were different from the reality.

microphone"Scully is the anti-bimbo."
Sister Cheryl, no explanation necessary.

microphone"I have two words - elastic waistband."
Sister Cheryl, offering a survival tip for dealing with the amount of food put before us throughout the Fest.

microphone"There wasn't a dry seat in the house."
Sister Jezebel, referring of course to the almost kiss scene in the movie.

microphone"Like it's my fault y'all gab like demons."
Sister SikChikie, I have no idea *what* she could be talking about here.

microphone"Let's just drive around and look for a Starbucks." "Oh be real! We're in Pflugerville Texas - there *is* no Starbucks."
Nanchita, making a simple request, and Sister Autumn, soundly (and as it turns out, correctly) rebuffing her. This occurred as we drove in to the theater parking lot in beautiful Pflugerville an hour before the first showing of the movie to find there were only two people in line ahead of us, we were hungry and didn't really want to have popcorn for breakfast.

microphone"I have minor shipper tendencies and I op'd Sean."
Brother Colin, confessing his deepest, darkest secrets.

microphone"Drink tequila or drop trou. Those are your two choices, Colin."
Sister Lens. I could explain, but I think this is best left to your own imagination. Personally, I think he did both.

microphone"I'm sorry. I spilled my Scullyrita in your alien pod."
RevMa, spilling Scullyritas throughout Austin on her birthday, after drowning the action figure alien pod of Sister Paula who *did* manage to find the figures and had brought them to a restaurant, fearing that they wouldn't have crayons and little paper place mats to keep us occupied.

microphone"I haven't checked my nun!"
Nanchita, realizing that she hadn't checked to see whether she had the last finger puppet nun with a prize inside.

microphone"Who you calling wrong-haired and prancy, bitch?"
Sister Jezebel, feigning indignation at La..'s comment that her hair wasn't correct after her well-executed Jersey Devil, Stop, Drop & Roll.

A Fest Field Report
by Sister/Dr. Sarah Tonin


TO:             Dr. K.
FROM:       Dr. Sarah Tonin
RE:             OBSSEsed Fest '98 Field Report
DATE:        June 22, 1998

Before I resume my field notes, let me just say that I think this paper we are writing together will be a professional triumph. Furthermore, I feel quite sure that if we continue to collaborate as true partners, together we will find the truth... now kiss me, damnit.

Ahem. So, to continue, I have long felt that it is crucial to understand a culture before treating any members of that culture, so your idea that I conduct this preliminary anthropological investigation was inspired. In any event, the mere practice of psychology no longer holds any interest for me. I can't go back. I won't.

The OBSSE folk are a remarkable people. Initial impressions have to do with overt behaviors, the more obvious surface characteristics that delight and fascinate the careful observer. Certain phrases are repeated like incantations and seem designed to encourage the formation of deep kinship bonds. For example, disapproval is expressed quite formally, e.g., "That's just wrong as wrong can be. It's a big ball of wrong. It's wrong like a bag of milk is wrong," etc.

Errant members of the Order are punished by being given mocking nicknames such as Sister DitchFF. "Damn you" appears to be a term of endearment. Frequently, the most beloved members of the Order are the most verbally maligned... and then again, sometimes we diss you simply because, well, you deserve it.

(Note to self: I guess I shouldn't be writing in the first person plural. I fear that I am losing my professional objectivity.)

On Friday night I observed several rituals. Evening Vespers were beautifully discordant, with emotional harmony (and sheer volume) being valued more highly than musical harmony. Next, four competing groups of Order members took turns acting out important myths and legends of the OBSSE. The Reverend Mother of the Order, called RevMa by initiates, presided over the festivities after having ingested a variety of mind-altering substances, included a "flaming 'Rita," which appears to be a serotonergic agonist of some sort.

(Note to self: see if the Prozac people might be interested in flaming ritas as a next generation treatment for depression.)

I do hope that when I start treating individual members of the Order, I will learn more about the unconscious symbolism of "stop, drop and roll," "prancy wrong-haired body double," and so on. There is also much work to be done regarding the use of sacred talismans like Scully-on-a-Stick and MUFON Remission Chips.

(Note to self: Quit talking to self. It makes you sound like a nut.)

During the day on Saturday I spent some time writing the first draft of this report. I felt accepted by Order members when they gently jibed at me for "making my little notes." Saturday evening brought a remarkable series of events, which have already begun to make their way into the lore of the OBSSE. Suffice it to say that a description of the ways that justice is dispensed within the OBSSE should make a lovely monograph. I will add that I was at first shocked - shocked and appalled - to be considered a suspect in the heinous crime that was committed. However, I quickly realized that to be accused was high praise indeed, as the Elders value cleverness above all other forms of Scullyistic piety.

To summarize, my dear Dr. K., this is such an endlessly amusing, er, fascinating group of people, that I'm sure my professional interest in them will never be satisfied. They are riddles, wrapped in enigmas, wrapped in matching OBSSE t-shirts.

I must confess now that what I feel is more than mere professional interest. Spending just a few days with the Sisters and Brothers of OBSSE has given me a renewed sense of purpose. I had begun to think that graduate school had beaten all the creativity and the joy of psychological discovery out of me. Now I find myself enthralled and inspired by this very special group of people. You might even say that I'm... reinvested.

This concludes my report on the OBSSE Fest. We should talk soon and compare notes while the events of the weekend are still clear in our minds. Reality *does* have a way of going fuzzy around the edges, and lord knows, I don't want to have to hypnotize you again. :::delicate shudder:::

All the best,
Dr. Sarah Tonin

P.S. I do so look forward to our sharing an office in the Abbey. By the way, your twin barcaloungers with the built-in cupholders and trephination headrests are extremely comfortable, but I was rather hoping for a desk...?

A View from the Hoopskirt
by Sister Jezebel

Sister NotJezebelI have come to rely upon the kindness of strangers.

And stranger folk you aren't likely to meet than those at Fest. Or kinder, either.

From the moment I checked in and found a note saying, "Call Autumn. Now." I knew I was home. Sorry, Stella, darlin,' but your big sis just found herself more pleasant accommodations.

I'd had the joy of meeting RevMa, Autumn, Nanchita, SikChikie, and Fanficplea in Dallas, but they were only five out of fifty. What surprises would the rest of the trip bring? Well, plenty. Obeying Autumn's command (and who wouldn't?), I went to the Elder Suite for the first game of the day: Name That Nun. Well, I'd met some of them and seen a picture of Lens (that sultry blonde), but I was not prepared for lovely Gen, vivacious La..De..Da.., or the Unbearable Cuteness of Nancy FF. Really, people, everyone needs a Nancy FF of their own to grace their verandas.

Then we joined the other early birds and went to dinner at Chuy's Hula Hut. HooBoy, home of the original Scullyrita. Table for 20-something ... and who among us could leave a name? "WetLegKick, your table is now ready?" "Calling Jezebel?" But frivolity reigned, possibly because of our near-death experience in the ElderMobile en route. Suffice it to say that the following dialogue was heard. "Turn around. Do not Enter. No. Really. DO NOT ENTER...aieeee!"

(There is no truth to the rumor that La.. was the one driving the wrong way up the entrance ramp. Besides, she was drugged.)

Anyway. Off to my new home-away-from-Fest home - Austin's little ol' airport. Lens and I went in search of Squat - the least Squat-like person I've ever met - and the three of us hung around to meet Glasses.

Glasses had sent me a photo of herself. I recognized the face, all right, but she forgot to warn me that it was going to be soooo far up in the air. It's hard to crane your neck when you're wearing a leghorn hat with a veil, dearies.

Back at the hotel, in the Elder Suite, we did NOT see anything. No videos. Nope. ::sound of lightening crashing just to my left::

The Official Fest BannerSquat and I finally succumbed to our need for sleep in preparation for the first *actual* day of Fest. We had to go to a crafts store, as yours truly couldn't fit the banner into her car because of all the fans and crinolines. (Actually, yours truly pulled the car over and wept when she realized, halfway to Austin, that the NonMovieWording banner was still in her garage - then she pulled over, bought some shoes, and got over her cheap self.) Anyway, Gen and Squat came with me for fresh supplies. We even brought back a plastic arm, in case Krycek showed up.

Making a Fest banner on site may probably be the best idea I wish I'd had in advance. Lens, NFF, Squat, La.., and EVERYone who pitched in did a great job. At least I remembered to bring the twinkling lights.

Pandemonium is the only word to describe registration. We had so many goodies! Scully-on-a-Stick, Mulder balls, Hymnals - even magnets that came all the way from Singapore (thanks, guys!). It killed me to have to leave long enough to go to the airport. But at least I was picking up a PhD to help me through the stress of it all.

More food! Videos galore! Trying to remember the on and off-line name of the person sitting next to you! Solemn Vespers. Well, vespers. Colin's "Alien Rhapsody" won ALL the prizes, as did his pas de deux with Meredith to the tune of "His Crap Will Go On."

Sleep. I wanted to be rested so as to give the Movie my full attention.

And what a movie! Four Fans from this reviewer. Finally, we got to hear Mulder admit what we've known all along - he owes her everything and she owes him nothing.

In an incredible display of sisterly ESP, Lens, Nancy FF and I all managed to see the part that eluded everyone else - naked Skinner. Really. What a hunk. But the hills of Dallas are STILL a Big Ball of Wrong.


Dinner two hours later!

::note to myself--just book the group on a cruise ship next time...::

Games! Charades with prizes - lots and lots of prizes. As long as we're describing rumors that aren't true, no siree, let me lay to rest the rumor that I was Paula's wrong-haired, prancy body double for the Stop Drop and Roll. At least, there are no living witnesses. Are there? ::stern frown::

Colin did a private twirl for some of us. Lordy, I may never recover. And we'd always thought Stanley Kowalski looked buff in his torn t-shirt ... Big Ball of Wrong!

Breakfast! Movie! More Naked Skinner, and this time we saw tongue in the Kiss.

A reconnaissance party was formed of myself, Lens, Paula, Squat, and Nancy FF. Fortifying ourselves with lunch (Hey, we hadn't eaten in three hours), we then went on Operation Gift. For Nanchita, our lovely and unsung hostess, she of the myriad food trays, we got some stress relaxation aromatherapy and a quaint little eye mask. For Autumn there was a black fan (How is it that I found a BLACK fan amongst the sandalwood ones? Must be fate.) and the piece de resistance - le trout flambé. Really. Fish candle on a stick. Gotta love it.

La..'s gift took some really fancy footwork. We went to the mall and got her something we knew she'd want to return, so we did the only honorable thing: we opened the CD, signed it, and then threw away the receipt. We can still hear La..'s happy sounds as she realized the depth of our affection. Really.

But nothing prepared us for the dinner theatre presentation, courtesy of the Swiss Misses. What shocks me is that I was sitting beside one perpetrator, across from another, and had a conspirator on my right, and I knew nothing.

Not that that's any big surprise.

I won't go into detail about the ScullyNapping, because it's going to be covered elsewhere, but I do want to say that it kicked major Julep. Major. My three fondest recollections are the formation of the Dream Team at the restaurant, the sight of Lens with "Do Not Cross" written across her unmentionables in crime scene tape, and the entrance of Commando!Meredith, Scully held aloft.

The hard part was the next day, as we had to say goodbye to our dearly beloved. Every hug wounded my little Southern heart, beating too fast beneath its corset (which was tighter than usual after all that eating...). Finally, we were three: Squat, Allie, and myself. When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping. Computer shopping. Only we found that the people manning the store were only marginally more intelligent than the consortium members who don't think Scully's a threat.

Then we got to watch "The Red and The Black" together. Oh, my God! OHMYGOD! I've never gotten to see an episode with TWO focused Philes, and it was the best. Then we had one more meal and parted.

Taking Squat to the airport the next day really, really hurt.

So I sang loudly in the car all the way home, fired up the computer, and started checking in with all my OBSSE friends, whose voices now come across loud and clear in chats.

::waving lace hanky:: Y'all come back and see us again, y'hear?

Hoop-boy!Now, for Jezebel's Lace Fan Awards: Most like her on-line name: Ant--small, industrious and clever.
Least like her on-line name: Squat. False advertising. She's a babe, and all the men in Calgary must be idiots.
Best one-liner: Glasses: "Colin, if there's a point, please feel free to come to it."
Best charade: Meredith, doing "Chinga" by pulling her t-shirt tightly around her body and pretending to drive.
Moment I wish I had on tape: Lens being sworn in on a copy of "Mulder, it's Me."
Moment I'd KILL to have on tape: Colin's black boxer appearance.
Person I'll drag to Fest kicking and screaming next time, if need be: Pilgrim.
People I now envy for their cleverness: The Swiss Misses. Even Sister Liar Pants, who lied to ME...
Best moment of Fest: Hearing TBO say "Mulder, it's me" in a theater full of our members.
Worst moment of Fest: Being the last one in town. But hey, I turned off the lights when I left.

I'd be remiss if I didn't thank RevMa, Nance, for all the hard work and pain she went through to make this weekend so, so wonderful. Enjoy your spa visit, because no one has earned it more than you. You are the greatest!

Poll Results
intent.gif (26191 bytes)

Well, by now most of us have seen the movie and therefore witnessed The Kiss That Almost Was If It Hadn't Been for That Little Bee of Evil. Personally, I saw intent, and plenty of it. In fact, Sister La..Dee..Da.. nailed it right on the head when she said "I saw *maximum intentage.*" Thanks to all who filled in the thought bubble. There were so many responses,  here are just a few of your contributions:

exclam.GIF (482 bytes)Brother Dave Fox
"Nose weighs 950 grams, tissue appears healthy."

exclam.GIF (482 bytes)Sister L.A. LeCouter
"If Mulder ruins this moment by saying something about that sister of his, I'm really gonna smack him."

exclam.GIF (482 bytes)Sister J.P.
"Is that an ova in your pocket, Mulder, or are you just happy to see me?"

exclam.GIF (482 bytes)Sister Jezebel
"See, Mulder--I told you it'd fall off if it weren't screwed on...."

exclam.GIF (482 bytes)Nathan Pettigrew
"The powers and authorities in which I had placed my trust over the last five years have turned against us, and, I fear, have never been closer to destroying all that Agent Mulder and I have worked for. Now, fearing ourselves under constant surveillance by these men of dark purpose and malicious intent, my partner and I must once again put forward a ruse; a deception that will, if all goes well, create the appearance that I have become infatuated with Agent Mulder, and he with me. Hopefully, this sacrifice will cause the shadow agencies pitted against us to grow careless, believing Mulder has given up his burning desire to discover the truth for a desire more physical, yet equally burning. In our hope of causing a misstep, Agent Mulder and I must now carefully avoid one ourselves, for any hesitation would risk exposure, an exposure which would, more than likely, prove fatal."

exclam.GIF (482 bytes)Anonymous
"Right now, the truth is in me, and I think that's where he's going to pursue it."

exclam.GIF (482 bytes)Sister Kate
"This should get me a desk."

exclam.GIF (482 bytes)Sister graae
"Must be raining sleeping bags...."

exclam.GIF (482 bytes)Gwynn Stanton
"I guess this answers the 'if you were that stoned, WHAT?' question."

exclam.GIF (482 bytes)Sister Rokken Robin, Metal Priestess
"A word to the wise, Mulder--TicTacs."

exclam.GIF (482 bytes)Anne Michelson (Sister Boris)
"It's a good thing I have insurance; if he almost chewed my arm off while I was in the hospital, what are my chances of survival *now*?"

exclam.GIF (482 bytes)Sister Leslie Green
"There has got to be a scientific reason for this."

exclam.GIF (482 bytes)Sister Jane's Addiction
"Where the Hell is Darin Morgan?"

This month I have a couple of new authors - a little romance and a lot of mytharc. I've also got some new recommendations from some of the best tried and true Scully writers out there. There's a reason to put your trust in certain authors, and they prove that again and again. I hope you enjoy this month's selections, and, as always, if you have fanfic pick suggestions, email them to me at

Lisa Ludvik
OK, this first recommendation is for those of you out there who, like myself, either fell off the fence after the movie or have been off it all along. I'll admit, I read Lisa's "In Absentia" series quite a bit before seeing the film and was surprised to find that it made me a little giddy. I'm not a big fan of the "fluff" fanfic category, so I'll just categorize this as well written Non-angst. Our heroes have a happy reunion. It could happen. It's a three-part series starting with "Missing Time" and continuing with "Airports and Airplanes" and "Zigged/Zagged". You can find all Lisa's fanfic at this website.

Somebody Else
This author decided to go the anonymous route with one of the best mytharc pieces I've ever read. These stories are from a while back, the first having been written after the third season. They are dense, fascinating pieces, and IMHO do a much better job of making the mytharc make sense than the series does while all the time paying great attention to the importance of character. If you care to journey a bit back in time and enjoy a good long read, don't miss "The Five" or its sequel. The worst part of these stories is there is no way to thank the author.

Jill Selby
It is no secret that Jill is one of my absolute favorite fanfic authors. There are few out there that capture Scully as magnificently as she does. She's got a few new pieces out that, if you've been living under a rock and haven't read yet, you should check out now. There's a beautiful little movie piece that is written from (GASP!) a Mulder point of view called, "A Makeshift Kiss". She's also completed a unique X-file called, "Ever After" that takes time travel and perception and adds that wonderful Selby touch. Check out Jill's webpage for all her stuff.

It seems like I was just recommending this author a few months ago. Oh, that's right, I was. Well folks, it should be repeated. I finished Nascent's most recent work, "Theory and Practice", and was literally stunned. This piece contains one of the most beautifully written sections about Scully I've ever read. It's set during the cancer period, so buckle your Angst belts and be on your way. If you need a good laugh after that, luckily she has provided one - our scientist Scully does the math and finds out that certain times of the year are more risky than others in, "Mulder, It's May". Can't get enough? How about Scully waking up next to a dead man in her piece, "Insider Trading".

Random (1).gif (12852 bytes)


rd_tri.gif (202 bytes) There's something inherently right in the world when you can watch the X- Files movie in a theatre full of like-minded individuals and at the end as the credits appear: David Duchovny <silence> Gillian Anderson <the theatre erupts in deafening cheers>. That, my friends, is the way God intended life to be.

rd_tri.gif (202 bytes) Am I the only one who CANNOT for the life of me get "Tainted Love" out of my head now? I'll never be able to watch a MulderDitch again with out the little soundtrack in my mind going "badump bump tainted love. you've got to bum bum run away".

rd_tri.gif (202 bytes) While I'm on this, three cheers for Sister Tammy and her compadre Sister Cathy S. for bringing us all so much delight with their video treat. They did it all for us.

rd_tri.gif (202 bytes) Other sisters also rose to the occasion even when evil circumstances conspired against their attendance. SztrSzn from the Temple of Perpetual Hairsicles, our northern most outpost, sent us the lovely "I Love St. Scully More Than You! So There!" Scullyrita coasters (which I may have taken more than my fair share of) and Sister Makaway, in a fit of utter brilliance, sent us all our very own implants in small containers. Perfect for doing a MUFON tupperware party from hell. Just so you know, Makaway, we all took our implants to the movie with us - or rather they drew us to Pflugerville inexplicably. Why else would 50 people travel from around the world to see a move in Pflugerville?

rd_tri.gif (202 bytes) Well, RevMa and I made the OBSSE radio debut. Imagine my delight when the first question asked was whether or not our Dana Scully fixation was just some "lesbian love thing." The event marked the first verbal trout slap as that Howard Stern Wannabe learned a little something about my demure nature..

rd_tri.gif (202 bytes) And the OBSSE takeover of Austin did not stop at radio. Friday morning the residents of the city were greeted by film clips of our lovely smiling faces waving our St. Scully on a Sticks (thanks to Sister Lens-of-Science) proudly for all to see.

rd_tri.gif (202 bytes) One of my proudest moments of the weekend was watching the newscaster interview Sister Gen (one of our international Festers). When asked why in the world she came all the way to Austin for the movie, Gen replied in her cute little French-Canadian accent, "I had to be with my people."

rd_tri.gif (202 bytes) Here we thought we had a great prank on Paula. We rigged charades so every slip she pulled was "Stop, drop, and roll." However, Paula was successful in persuading a body double (who we will not judge the hair on lest we be beaten to death with a fan) in Sister Jezebel to complete the act. I saw no prancing either. I think Paula would have pranced.

rd_tri.gif (202 bytes) For what it is worth, Paula *did* do a stop, drop, and roll at the Fest. Problem was she was invisible at the time.

rd_tri.gif (202 bytes) Just when I thought I could not possibly laugh more, Meredith picked "Chinga" during charades. How her team failed to guess while she pulled her T-shirt tightly across her pushed out chest and pretended to drive with a cool face is beyond me. I was laughing so hard I could not breathe.

rd_tri.gif (202 bytes) Speaking of not making connections . how is it possible for a person (who should be known as Sister Foggy Lens of Science) to find their Mulder doll wrapped in a gold cross and only worry because the Scully doll was no longer, um, performing secret Doctor things on Mulder?

rd_tri.gif (202 bytes) For those of you who are wondering, Colin's black boxers do flare when he twirls.

rd_tri.gif (202 bytes) Person most not like I expected: Sister Boris, AKA Anne. Imagine my surprise at meeting this delightful young woman. I was so taken with her that it was decided that, while we'd never let her near a trout, she could wave a neon tetra at people.

rd_tri.gif (202 bytes) For future reference, here's how I think you might be able to tell the constantly cheery Sister Allie is really pissed off: She sends you an email with only 6 smiley faces and ends it with "I'm really mad (: (: but I'm sure you had your reasons. (: XOXOXO Allie".

rd_tri.gif (202 bytes) Frank's Fashion Spot: A big thanks for the absolutely wonderful shirts designed by our dear Brother Kevin Vos. They made us a force to be reckoned with!

rd_tri.gif (202 bytes) I know it will be covered in detail someplace in this newsletter, but I would be remiss if I did not thank everyone, who in the most surreal night I think I have ever experienced, made the capture of St. Scully caper something I will laugh over for the rest of my life.

rd_tri.gif (202 bytes) It is true about the RevMa by the way. Put a wimple on her and her IQ sinks to a level that only understands the most basic things. Like black boxers.

rd_tri.gif (202 bytes) You know you hang with the right crowd when someone can guess "Wrong Haired Prancy Body Double" in four seconds in charades.

rd_tri.gif (202 bytes) I've learned that Festgoers share a common characteristic with The Blessed One. We can't sing worth a damn. That didn't keep us from trying, though, as we cheerfully ran through the delightfully rewritten lyrics to songs during "evening vespers." Plus, we did get to see Colin and Meredith reenact that "Titanic" scene as we sang "and I know that his crap will go on."

rd_tri.gif (202 bytes) Who needs a snowball with a candle? We sent the RevMa a flaming Scullyrita for her birthday!

rd_tri.gif (202 bytes) Did you know that Sister NancyFF (who by the way we did do a taping intervention for) has Voluntary Tourettes Syndrome? That means that after she says some nasty old thing from that sweet little face she covers her mouth and goes "oopsie!"

rd_tri.gif (202 bytes) Sister La.. Dee.. Da.. is from New York ya know, where people are too "cool" to wear T-Shirts. We could only get her to don her Fest shirt by artfully ripping the neck and rolling up the sleeves so she could wear it off the shoulder.

rd_tri.gif (202 bytes) Those second floor balcony windows made the perfect place to perform a sock puppet show. Too bad the trout got Mulder.

rd_tri.gif (202 bytes) The Fest's first casualty: my blender. Don't even start with me.

rd_tri.gif (202 bytes) Just FYI, Dr. Sarah Tonin does sit off in the corner taking her *little* notes..

rd_tri.gif (202 bytes) I guess I should mention Sister Squeal who earned her new name at the Fest. I think dogs in several counties are still recovering from the noise. I had to promise her extra credit just to keep her quiet in the movie. It was worth a pack of tic tacs. Believe me.

rd_tri.gif (202 bytes) I got to perform my first ever live trout slap. I think Gen liked it a little too much. I'll bet you people didn't think I really had a trout. Wrong!

rd_tri.gif (202 bytes) Our Little Sailor: Well, Scully didn't get to say it, but we sure as hell did. Plus there was an inordinate amount of cheering every time Gillian uttered it during those tapes we didn't watch.

I know I'm not mentioning many things and many people, but thank you all for making this such a special experience. How long until Fest 99?

WHEW! Special thanks for this extra special, extra LONG newsletter go, as always, to our Elder of the Newsletter Sister Paula R.  for putting this issue together and to Sister La..Dee..Da.. for all of her fine graphic work. Thanks also go to the folks who wrote the articles and whose pictures I used, including many pictures by Brother WetLegKick. I also want to take a minute to thank the fine merchants who gave us discounts or prizes for the Fest. Thank you goes to:

Habitat Suites Hotel
Austin Books and Sports Cards
Royal Tees Screen Printing

See you in September! Time now for another holiday.
"News for the OBSSEsed" is copyright 1998 by Nancy Cotton/OBSSE