by Sister Autumn T.Welcome to the special Post FEST Depression edition of Ask Sister Autumn. This is, as usual, a trying and confusing time in the Order between those bitter they did not go and those bitter that they are now home amongst people that just don't understand lard. I will, of course, use my usual tact and sincerity to help my fellow Abbey residents the best I can. If you too want, nay, need my guidance, just write to me at Ask Sister Autumn and I'll be sure to help you out in my own special way.
Dear Sister Autumn...
How do you suggest I get the piñata bee guts out of my tennis shoes?
With your tongue. Bees are quite tasty and high in nutrition. The Blessed One Herself thinks the pollen is great on yogurt and the bees themselves I hear make a mean and colorful tofu topping.
Dear Sister Autumn, whose very demurity stands as a shining example of non-pranciness:
I am writing to you with a heavy heart. Imagine my shock at witnessing the spectacle known as the "Prance Off"!
Last year we proudly touted the Fest motto as "I saw tongue." I fear that, this year, "I saw sequins" is more accurate.
What the hell happened? Do you have an SRE for the sudden trend in pranciness? Is there something in the Abbey's drinking water I should know about? Surely an unfortunate interest in beige can't be far off.
A VERY concerned Sister La..
Sister La..Dee..Da.. aka LaRhonda (nope, no PRANCY name there):
It's hard to catalogue the exact events that led up to a certain Sister arriving with not one, but two sequined outfits for the Prance Off. However, at the heart of it I believe it to be simply a case of doing what we do best at the Abbey. Which is, of course, running a joke completely and utterly into the ground, digging it back up again, pounding it around some more for good measure, and then performing a very lengthy autopsy complete with dialogue along the lines of "a prancer has a story to tell" while we perform the procedure wearing those fetching autopsy goggles and vacuuming up sequins.
While these things simply do not seem temporary while we are all in the throes of them, they usually are. As Sister Paula wisely led us in a prayer of forgiveness before said event I think we should all remember these words:"....and if next year, St. Scully, we should contemplate holding a Wrong-Haired Beauty Pageant, shoot us in the *other* shoulder. Amen."So, never fear, I'm sure by FEST next year this prancy trend will be long gone. However, I cannot discount the possibility of us all wearing beige T-shirts with wrong hair.
P.S. You left your spangle baton with multi-color tinsel streamers at my house after FEST.
Dear Sister Autumn,
Can we make Bryn do that every year?
I mean, any song that includes:
I'll stop wearing black, I'll put on jeans
whatever you wish for, I'll grant
Whether doing autopsies or arching my brow
It's all about you
Always so worried about how I feel
You're thinking of my happiness
So now I am thinking of you
As the least racy stanza is OK in my book.
The outfit didn't hurt either.
Let's say a member of the FF family became, oh, say. . .shunned during an unfortunate prancing incident. How would said shunned FF kill time in the Abbey for the next month? If she were to. . . freelance. . . her evil, would there be any spare jobs for her?
Sasse--Evil For Hire
P.S. I can wash newbies.
While it unfortunately seems we currently do have a great number of newbies who need a good scrubbing down with a hard bristled brush and some lava soap I think your talents might be wasted there. I mean anyone can scream "READ THE FREAKING FAQ" until they are blue in the face.
No, dear Sasse, I have much bigger plans for you this month. Here is your preliminary agenda for July:
That should keep you busy for a while. And should Kirby's dog TrixieFF not relinquish her hold on your title I'm sure, pretty damn sure, I can keep you busy.
- Follow Bead around the Abbey and say "Ahem" loudly every time she uses the word "I" (you may need a large supply of Riccola for this task).
- Repeatedly ask Dr. Sarah Tonin why she doesn't have a desk and Dr. K Nad (Not actual Doctor) does.
- Complete an essay entitled "Diana Fowley: Misunderstood Lingerie Spokeswoman and all Around Keen Gal."
- Take over randomly unsubbing people from the mailing list who are irritating and randomly resubbing ones who say "GET ME OUT OF THIS PLACE AND STOP THIS STUPID MAIL."
- Remind everyone that RobbieFF bravely told the Abbey in a loud voice "But Mom you prance" after your shunning complete with examples.
- Convince all the new Brothers that indeed it is a requirement that they all twirl in boxers at next year's FEST.
Dear Sister Autumn, whose real life demurity is so unbelievably reaffirming in its addition to her already universally acknowledged and well-deserved online computer presence:
Since Fest has been over, I have found the process of "Thank You-ing" very daunting. There were so many people doing so many things that recognizing them all appears impossible. Still, I do want them to know how cool they made Fest for me. Could you advise me of the best form and procedure to applaud sufficiently the following:
Your magnificence is unquestioned, Oh Wielder of Three Trouts. Still, I am in quite the quandary as to how you could provide the answer to this dilemma. The people included range from Elders to lurker minions. The actions I owe so much to cover physical transportation to conversation to just liking the way they stand. I, however, have faith and eagerly await your wisdom.
- Autumn and Nanchita (Yes, you do have a reputation.) for doing it all for us
- The Elders
- Other organizing minions, activity leaders, and providers of stuff
- Drivers to and from the airport. Arrangers of pre- and post- Fest sleeping quarters
- Drivers during Fest
- Roommates and traveling companions
- This one is hard. How, Dear Autumn, do I thank people for just being really, really cool?
It's still the altitude.
Points for the suck up - is Sister Ant giving lessons now?
Actually this letter does a fine job of thanking everyone. Fest is a project, and only because of everyone working together so well is it the success that it is. It's often been joked that we actually could find a real Abbey and have a wonderful fully functioning community that would be a lot more fun than those Amish have and with better clothes. After Fest, I tend to believe it. Well, at least some of us would have better clothes. Anyway, if the X-Files were to ever investigate us I think Scully would find us much more appealing especially after she saw the pool and cabana. How does "BlenderTender" sound for an episode name? Works for me.
dear auntie sister autumn,
i feel like a fraud.
for months now, eight to be exact, i have considered myself to be a full fledged member of the abbey. i have enjoyed the luxury of the abbey nursery (complete with cell phone, scully crib mobile, and tic-tac rattles) that my kind aunties and uncles took great care in building before i was born. i have the best babysitters in the world who have selflessly reviewed every sacred episode with me so that i might not miss a single moment of the glory that is tbo. (i've especially enjoyed auntie sister kirby's special attention to dimple detail as I am proud to have one myself.) and i was thrilled, so thrilled, at the boisterous greeting i received as i arrived at fest '99, proudly wearing my new wimple and habit. but fear and shame struck my heart as you personally presented me with the symbol of our fun-filled weekend....the official fest beaver. i was awestruck and honored as you deemed me worthy of such a momentous gift simply because i was the first member born unto the abbey. and that's when it hit me....am i really a sister?
i have never sent in an application asking for admittance. no elder has prayed over my request asking for such. and i have searched the parchments in the bowels of the abbey basement for some reference to a grandfather clause, but found none.
please, auntie sister autumn, help! the guilt is eating away at me. i mean, you even let me hold the mighty trout! sob please make the world right once again!
little sister (?) sarah g.
Little Sister Sarah G.,
My goodness. Such angst from such a small child. And you just seemed so serene at Fest. Apparently you were doing your Blessed One impression even then and would have told us "Quit staring at me, I'm fine." were we to notice your ever so well hidden distress.
Sarah dear, your parents raised you right. Your mother, during those long bed ridden stretches that I'm sure she will never let you forget about when you are around 13 years old, gave you the admittance test during the third trimester taking one kick as a yes and two as a no for each important question. I was most impressed that you even used Morse code to tap out your favorite episode before you'd even seen it yourself along with the entire "What do you mean I need to perform another autopsy…" quote from "Bad Blood". Needless to say your mom needed quite a bit of rest to recover from her sore abdomen after that little rant. We're glad that you didn't feel the need to tell her that the "Beyond the Sea" rant was also a favorite at the same time or she might still be recovering.
So, yes, you are our littlest Sister. No need to fret. Now go back to chewing that nose off of the Official Fest Beaver.
Dear Sister Autumn, who is the alpha, the omega, and throw in an epsilon for good measure:
I have a wee spiritual crisis. The other day, when I went to the mall, I wore my OBSSE T-Shirt to the mall, and I got several questions about what it was.
Well, as I was sitting down to eat my chicken teriyaki, a cute little octogenarian came up and said it was so nice to see young people involved in religion in this day and age. I grunted, and went back to eating, when she continued "But, I've never heard of St. Scully before - where does he come from? And what's that rodent with the nun's habit?"
Exasperated, and wanting to get back to my dinner, I promptly told her the story (which I assured her was a very obscure story, and one she'd probably not heard of - nor her priest, for that matter). St. Scully was a young woman from Thessalonika martyred in the year 1013 on the orders of Christopher, Bishop of Carter, as a witch. On the day they burned her, an infestation of beavers overran the town, spreading plague via fleas. Convinced that she had, in fact, been acting to prevent this infestation, the Church canonized her 100 years after her death. A little abbey (the last legacy of the Order, which was delegitimized in the 19th century) continues its existence on the Greco-Turkish border, selling T-Shirts and other trinkets to tourists commemorating both St. Scully's life and the beaver infestation which she had prevented for so long.
When the woman said she was going to Greece later this summer, I encouraged her to try to find the abbey, and told her "It's the one with the swimming pool." Puzzled, she left, and I was able to finish my dinner in peace.
My question is this: Am I going to hell?
-Brother Worried About Perdition
This, Brothers and Sisters, is one of the many reasons why your Elder, Brother Colin, is only allowed one official Abbey decision on his own every year. At least it is always funny.
In answer to your question: Yes, yes you are, but there is a swimming pool there which I believe is heated. Plus you're sure to have some great company as after last Christmas' "Cheese logs of the Apocalypse" debacle I'm thinking the rest of the Elders will be there with you. The tough part about it for us is going to be that as nice as a frozen Scullyrita is going to sound down there I do not think they hold up well in the heat.
Dear Sister Autumn About Whom It All Is:
As you know, I had the temerity to take part in what was arguably one of the most revolting displays of pure pranciness witnessed by the attendees of Fest '99. Did Pranceapalooza's victory in the Great Prance-Off bring me elation? No, Sister, in fact, I was left with a bitter taste in my heavily lipsticked mouth.
You see, my part in our painstakingly choreographed routine did not provoke delighted laughter from everyone. In fact, one of my best friends actually took one look at my bare midriff, rolled-up shorts, gold disco ball earrings, and overdone make-up and emitted a piercing shriek of shock and terror, then spent the rest of the afternoon gazing at me with hurt and betrayal plain in her non-Klingon eyes. And that was BEFORE she actually saw me perform.
Sister Autumn, please tell me that St. Scully will forgive my temporary bout of extreme pranciness! I didn't mean to hurt anybody!
Besides, I was drugged.
Sister FlyGirl (who I believe used to be one of those prancers on "In Living Color"),
You're not fooling anyone. You owned disco ball earrings. I'll bet you have Debbie Allen's home phone number and sing the theme from "Fame" in the shower to a bar of soap too.
Dear Sister Autumn,
I have a confession to make and I hope that you can help me with my problem. I have recently purchased the boxed set of Season 4 to ease the torture that is the "off-season". Here in England, those of us without satellite or digital television will not see Season 6 until late September. I had to assuage my withdrawal symptoms somehow and whilst the OBSSE has provided some much-needed relief it could not provide the necessary oral, sorry aural and visual stimulation of our Blessed Saint herself. So, I settled into my sofa with my Scullyrita, tub of ice cream and Pomeranian (well Labrador/Collie cross actually but indulge me) and began part one of my viewing extravaganza. I have to confess that as I watched the previously erased from my memory episode 'Teliko' I found myself focusing on two attributes of our Blessed Saint that were, how shall I say, somewhat less than cerebral! Oh wise Sister Autumn - will the Blessed One ever forgive me? I have tried to concentrate on her blessed words and I have all her SRE's memorized but when I saw her crawling through that vent all rational thought left my mind as fast as the PUNK ditches her Saintliness and I haven't even got as far as 'Never Again' yet (Thud!). The picture at the top of June's newsletter has done nothing to abate my lustful and unrestrained desires. Can anything be done for me?
Yours in all things Scully,
Hopefully soon to be a Sister Pequod
Look at it this way. There's not much to enjoy about "Teliko", and you're not the only one to find at least two redeeming qualities in the episode that is simply called by some in the Abbey as "Scully. Crawling. Through. The. Vent." Frankly, I don't think some of the Brothers and Sisters even know the episode has another name. As long as you also appreciate Our Saint for her abilities to perform such miracles as a Southern Blot in record time or fighting the devil, there's nothing wrong with trying to find something worthwhile in "Vent!". Uh. I mean "Teliko". Hey, nice leg shot in the beginning too didn't you think?
As for the picture in the June newsletter… hey we've got to keep the Abbey amused somehow during the long summer months, and I'm afraid we aren't above showing off the Blessed One's latest push up technology. It's a much nicer visual than Fowley and her twin torpedoes of 18 hour cross your heart deceit don't you think?
Dear Sister Autumn, [note to self: insert official suck-up here]
I have a problem that some of the other Sisters tease me about.
It's my dog, and she's Prancy. Specifically, she has Prancitis, a complete inflammation of the Prance Module in her brain. I have tried therapy (for her), drugs (for me), and have about reached the end of my 3 inch heels.
Considering she was born on October 4th, 1996, and she's named after Ma Peacock (Isn't she Precious?), I really don't want to give her up. I'm very fond of her and have been able to Convert her to a Scullycentric Lifestyle. But she just won't stop prancing when new people are around! She's not wrong-haired, and she doesn't ditch me or anything. She's more housebroken than certain FBI Agents who shall remain nameless (translation: Mulder), and she doesn't chew anything but her own toys.
She just... Prances. In public.
Is there any hope for her? Or shall I just resign myself to having a Prancy Dog?
Sister Not-Prancy with Right-Hair who was Not Dared by the Morley Sisters.
My God. How much prancing can one column endure I ask? First it was mocked, then it was for fun, then it started scaring others, now even dogs are doing it! It makes me long for bad lard puns at this point.
Well, I guess there are worse things a pet named after Mrs. Peacock can do. At least you don't have to chew her food and spit it into her mouth. Do you?
Oh, and dogs don't prance. They canter. Or is that horses. God, I just don't know anymore. Someone pass the Proz-tacs.
Poll ResultsLast month we asked our readers to supply a Scullyistic Rational Explanation for why, in Biogenesis, the artifact was spinning in Albert Hosteen's room. After all, Scully was there. She saw it. Surely she scrambled for an SRE.
Among the many logical suppositions this poll produced, Sister April had perhaps the most intriguing....
"Sure, the Navajo translation was from Genesis, but apparently someone forgot to check out what the artifact meant to the ancient Mesopotamian civilization. The piece was from the very first Wheel of Fortune, back when the game involved a spinner which pointed to various vacation spots in the distance, like the exotic Dead Sea. Resting by Hosteen's side, the artifact was in the correctly aligned position, pointing to the North and South magnetic poles, causing the repelling which made the artifact spin and thus start the game. Fortunately, TBO stopped the artifact before it pointed to her prize of a trip to the unholiest of all places ... Martha's Vineyard."
"There is obviously a magnet inside this incredibly fake carved piece of stone, as well as one with opposite polars hidden beneath the surface of the piece furniture. There is also some sort of mechanical machine rotating the magnet inside the furniture in a pathetic attempt to achieve fame in the pages of the National Enquirer. Oh, I'm sure they've taken the appropriate measures to ensure my theory can be proven, but this remains a very badly staged hoax."
Paul Wartenberg AKA RogueJedi:
"It's sorta like the McDLT: hot on one side and cold on the other ... what do you mean, you don't remember McDLTs?!?!?!"
"The stone which composes the artifact obviously has a high iron content. When exposed to the electrical field emitted by the cell-phone in Her saintly pocket (an EFI abnormally agitated by proximity to Her corporeal Self -- you know, all those brain waves coursing through Her most endowed cortex have GOT to radiate a little EFI of their own!) the artifact's own latent magnetism, in technical terms, 'went a little screwy.' The heightened magnetic energy charged and overwhelmed the artifact's iron molecules, which converted the excess magnetic energy to kinetic energy and discharged said excess kinetic energy by revolution around an axis roughly in the center of the artifact. The 'spinning' motion was driven by attraction and repulsion of the magnetic poles of the artifact to the alternating (remember I said it was 'agitated') magnetism of the cell phone in the suit pocket."
"Her rational explanation would be that she said that it was spinning because there was a small earthquake."
"The artifact was actually a small piece off of an intergalactic See & Say (the rest of which we saw at the very end) and had Scully not stopped it from spinning, the artifact would eventually have stopped on it's own and shrieked 'The Alien says... Die earthlings! Die!' "
"Where the hell's that draft coming from?"
Sister Holly Kingsten:
"It was static electricity caused by all the hot dry air in Arizona that effected the artifact to turn in a clockwise postion at a super speed upon introduction to pure oxygen via a small pinprick in Albert Hosteens' air tube."
Brother Roger Ramjet:
"Mulder, survivalists and explorers have long been familiar with the magnetic properties of ferrous metals--a simple needle coated with oil from your skin can be suspended on the surface of a body of water, whereupon it will spin until it comes into alignment with the earth's magnetic field, providing a crude but effective compass.
"I suggest that this 'artifact,' covered with oil from Sandoz's skin--he had repeatedly handled it that day--was effectively suspended above the table's surface on a film, allowing it to spin as it tried to align with the earth's magnetic field. Add a bit of stray water on the table's surface and the spinning is even more easily explained. If the 'artifact' exhibited magnetism arising from its base metals it would amplify such motion, especially if it was set down with its own magnetic alignment perpendicular to the earth's.
Thanks to all of you..
Our very first OBSSE Scully Marathon for NF, Inc. was a huge success!
by Sister La..
How huge? Well... we were able to raise $12,093 !! Hooboy !!
If you weren't able to attend one of the group marathons, I urge you to look for one next year. It was such a celebratory day spent watching episodes and communing with fellow Scullyists, and a grand time was had by all. Stop by the website and check out our MARATHON SCRAPBOOK for tons of pics and reminiscence.
I have to say a special thank you to the people who organized the group marathons: Autumn, Monica, Glasses, Chish, Jenn Lentz, ScullyFu, Michele, Laura, Mandy, Jenbird, Ann, Gen, Hannibal, Barb (SpicedRum), Kellie, Jenndstx, Sara, Michelle, Katherine, Lauren, and Kimiye. And a huge thank you to NancyFF, the T-Shirt Goddess.
And speaking of which.. did you get a marathon t-shirt.. and if you didn't.. why the hell not? We've got about 40 left that we really need to get rid of so we can send the bucks on to NF, Inc. If you'd like a stylishly black t-shirt to commemorate the marathon, email NFF at firstname.lastname@example.org and she'll give you all the info you need.
Again, thanks everyone and we'll see ya next year at a Scully Marathon near you!
(Editor's Note: On behalf of the entire Abbey I'd like to take this time to personally thank Sister La.. on the amazing effort she put forth to make this event the success it was. Without her cheerful nature, organizational skills, and incredible time commitment we could have never pulled this event off. At FEST this year we presented La.. with a gift from the OBSSE as our small way of saying thank you for her efforts. We presented her with a black (of course, this is La..) leather portfolio that was made by "Scully Fine Leather Craftsmen" - I kid you not. So, not only will she be able to use this gift to oh, so professionally sashay between appointments, carefully and subtly imprinted all over the damn thing is the word Scully, thus making sure all her important projects - like holding all next year's marathon plans - are under the protection of The Blessed One. Thank you, La.. - from all of us - even Scully.)
OBSSE Poll: Is this you?
by Sister Lens of Science
1 2 3 Growing up you had goals -- you were going to become a doctor, to have a thriving practice, to save lives. Lately, though, you've been spending your weekends washing the dog... cleaning your gun... talking on the phone -- perhaps, worst of all, reading Truman Capote. Clearly, it's time for a change. Perhaps past time. But what do you do? What are your strengths? Your weaknesses? For what kind of life are you best suited (so to speak)?
Funny you should ask. This month, we have a personality assessment test to assist you in determining your individual personality traits. Look at the nine images at left, and select the one that appeals to you the most. Drs K and Tonin will meditate on your entries, dissect your various psychological pathologies, and, after notifying the proper authorities, and/or depositing your check into their joint offshore account, will provide insights into your various psyches in the next issue of News For The OBSSEsed. Selections are, of course, kept completely confidential.
4 5 6 7 8 9
The OBSSEwood Minute
By Sister AutumnJust a quick update on some things of note in the career of the Earthly Incarnation of St. Scully, Gillian Anderson.
Gillian is off in Scotland and France this summer taking a break from Agent Scully by filming the highly anticipated drama "House of Mirth" based on Edith Wharton’s novel and directed by Terence Davies. She will play the lead role of Lily Bart, a woman torn between money and love.
While you are waiting for that film, there are a few other things to keep your attention. Last year's "The Mighty" has just become available on both video and DVD giving you the chance to enjoy Ms. Anderson in the amusing and barely recognizable role of the woman from the wrong side of the tracks, Loretta Lee.
If you're willing to sit through a very uneven film that is at parts entertaining, thought provoking, heavy handed, and dull she can also now be seen in the video release of "Hell Cab". Though you'll want to keep your remote handy when watching it as the fast forward button may become your friend.
Gillian has also contributed voice work to an animated import, "Princess Mononoke", that is currently slated for a U.S. release of October 29th.
On the X-Files front, it looks to be another long summer for fans as preliminary rumors have the final season's shooting start date now pushed back all the way to early August to accommodate Anderson and Duchovny's summer films - a good 2 weeks later than usual. Don't look for the season premiere until sometime in November again.
Post Fest Depressed
(Was: My Favorite Things, by Rogers and Hammerstein)
by Sisters LaurenD, Bryn, and Sassejenn
Silence in hallways and small, empty kitchens
Missing my Winter Park; gosh that was bitchin'
Black bras and white t-shirts look underdressed,
Help me, Deah Gott, I am Post Fest Depressed!
Beavers walk by me and no one else snickers,
People look funny at my Barbie stickers.
I felt just fine, but now I am kinda stressed--
Help me, Deah Gott, I am Post Fest Depressed.
No nuns pool prancing, no goddam burritos,
No latex gloves or black-boxered banditos.
No videos to make me feel I'm blessed.
Help me, Deah Gott, I am Post Fest Depressed.
"Just ten seconds,"
Said Sis Tammy;
Steph gave me tic-tacs!
I put on my camouflaged wimple and then
I make my own tray of snacks.
Hiking and rafting, some folks found this fitting,
Others preferred to perfect their ass-sitting,
Drinking and talking and. . you know the rest,
Now it's over and I'm Post Fest Depressed.
No cheese cube platters and no lack of O2,
Why when I dial my foam phone won't it go thru?
No one agrees that Scully is the best,
Can't you see why I am Post Fest Depressed?
No costumed Elders to flip me some pancakes,
No one to tell I did NOT watch some outtakes,
No one Stops, Drops, and Rolls under duress,
This is the reason I'm Post Fest Depressed.
Where's my blender?
Where's my bender?
Someone fetch my beer!
I think of the fridge that the GoGo suite had,
and cry, for my friends aren't here.
--Fest '99: Summer Camp for Mean Adults.
If you enjoyed this issue and would like to see more pictures from FEST, please visit Nanners' Fest Page which includes links to all the pictures posted.
Thanks to the fantastic newsletter crew of our Elder of the Newsletter Sister Paula R., Our Lady of the Fantastic Graphics Sister La..Dee..Da.. and everyone who contributed this month!