Greetings EVERYONE and Happy New Year!
This is Sister La..Dee..Da..
and Sister Autumn...
...filling in for The *Usually* Right Reverend Mother who is currently spending some quality time away from Abbey business.
Yeah.. um... quality time. That's one way of putting it I suppose.
Ah, hell, Autumn, we can't lie to the good Sisters and Brothers... the RevMa was completely overcome by the overly-angsty Tortured!Scully content of "Christmas Carol" and "Emily", and has had a tragic breakdown.
Tsk tsk... you can only imagine my astonishment to find our beloved leader dramatically slumped over her blender trying to make GREEN Scullyritas!... muttering something about green goo and Creme de Menthe...
Her wimple askew... and clutching, of all things, a potato peeler.
Well, the potato peeler WAS understandable! She did have those unlaced combat boots on as well.
Anyway, Sister Autumn has put the RevMa on a strict diet of Darin Morgan episodes with a side of "Small Potatoes" and a promise of BlackSilkBoxers!Mulder and RedSpeedos!Mulder *if*, and *only* if, she shows some improvement. Meanwhile, we've decided to start off the New Year with an ANGST-FREE newsletter since only Saint Scully knows how many other members of the Order are TEETERING on the brink of sanity!... DRIVEN TO DESPAIR! by the COMPLETE! lack of regard for ALL! that our Saint has gone through over the past year by the boys of 1013!.... Oh, dear, I do believe it's time for me to go and rewatch the "Post Modern Prometheus" dance sequence. Enjoy our ANGST-FREE newsletter and may the New Year bring "lots of fun... lots and LOTS of fun!"... for The Enigmatic One and her followers.
Yours in Her Pantsuitedness,
Sister Autumn and Sister La..Dee..Da..
HOLIDAY FUNDRAISER A HUGE SUCCESS: $2,175.36 IN PLEDGES RAISED!!
Thanks to the generosity of our OBSSE Sisters, Brothers, and Faithful Friends, the OBSSE has received a total of $2,175.36 in pledges for Neurofibromatosis, Inc. (NF, Inc.) -- $175.36 above our target of raising $2,000 this holiday season for NF!
Thanks to all who donated, from $5 to $200 each, to this charity near
and dear to Gillian Anderson's (aka St. Scully's) heart. Saint Scully would
be proud of your generosity.
LOOKING TO THE FUTURE
by Sister Lens-Of-Science
Poor Scully. 1997 was a pretty tough year for her. In chronological order (well, sort of..) she got:
Interior Decorating Changes
Let's face it. The ever-changing floor-plan and interior of Scully's apartment is a bit, shall we say, utilitarian. I predict that immediately following the holidays, Scully will re-do her apartment, adding bars to the heat vents, a large-screen television for watching "Why Planes Go Down" on Fox, and replacing yet another telephone receiver. Sadly, the living-room couch will continue not to fold out.
Valentine's Day Boyfriend
Just kidding. They're all going to continue to drop like flies. (On the plus side, Edy's comes out with a brand new fat-free yogurt flavor.) Scully will, however, receive a phone-sex call that is a wrong number. To her credit, she lets him go on for ten minutes before telling him.
Cabin Fever Blowout
Well, given the nature of the rumors flying on alt.tv.x-files about the movie, I am going on record here predicting a huge, stormy, passionate, we-aren't-ever-gonna-have-sex,-so-lets-release-all-this-sexual-tension-and-tear-things-up fight between Scully and Mulder. This fight will be followed by lots of hurt glances and vats of UST. Yum! Sort of "Never Again" uh... again. Added bonus: semi-automatic weapons.
The Scully Family Update
Well, If the Blessed One hasn't shot her big brother by now, I guess she isn't ever going to. Tara, however, is going to be first up against the wall when the revolution comes. (Oops - nevermind. There is no, I repeat no, revolution in the works.) Sheila Larken will continue to age backwards (ed. note: What is up with that? Why has no one investigated this phenomenon? Don't even try to tell me that it is just alpha-hydroxyl, 'cause I'm not buying it. Well, I am, but - you know what I mean.), and is scheduled to actually smile at some point in the spring of 1998. Charles will continue to avoid all family functions. Because of this, his children will survive to adulthood.
Following the invention of retractable heels, Scully will no longer have to lug both flats and pumps around with her for those inexplicable mid-scene shoe changes. She will also generously share with her devout followers the secret fiber that her pantsuits are made of. All will be right within the Order, as we finally get to wear slacks that never wrinkle at the crotch, regardless of how cramped the damned flight is.
Safety in the Workplace
Someone will actually return from a trip to the bathroom without the assistance of paramedics. Unfortunately it will be Marita.
Son of Wardrobe Additions
Early next summer, Scully is going to finally get out of those elegant suits and tart up her after-work image a little bit. I am seeing a black leather jacket, doc martins and a perfectly-ripped pair of jeans. (Ed. note: I am looking in my closet, however.) Turning back to Scully's closet I see.... Gosh, I am looking at exactly the same thing, except that oddly, Scully has located the only pair of doc martins in the world with three-inch heels.
Miraculous Health Discovery
Scully will be astonished to discover that her coma, branched DNA, brain tumor and sterility were all mis-diagnosed, when she notices that what she thought were her medical records actually belong to Marlena, from "Days of Our Lives".
Technology Upgrade Granted
Scully finally gets that Pentium II upgrade she's been wanting. While her machine is in for service, Skinner discovers that the reason Scully is such a good shot is that she has been playing "Doom II" for months. He promptly installs it on Mulder's computer.
Amazingly, Scully broadens her vocabulary this month. In addition to the famous lines: "Mulder, it's me.", "Where are you?" and "I'm fine" we are introduced to the soon-to-be-trademark phrases: "Go ahead. Make my day." (complete with eye twitch), "Yeah, but you drilled a hole in your skull.", and "Why yes, I am free on Friday night.". Expanding on June's Safety in the Workplace Month, Scully starts carrying prophylactics. The other kind.
Third World Airlines Customer Appreciation Month
After having been bumped from a flight to meet Mulder in Altoona, Pennsylvania, Scully is mis-routed to a tiny island in the Caribbean, populated solely by loincloth-clad bartenders and cabana-boys. While concerns about melanoma keep The Blessed One from getting a savage tan, during her forced re-route she does indeed manage to finish not only her long-delayed "Effects of Acetylcholine Production on Recidivist Offenders", but about 70 duty-free margaritas.
A Merry Christmas
Christmas will bring flooding and tornado-strength winds to the eastern seaboard, causing massive destruction of property in the greater DC area. Scully will be called in to the hospital and will spend Christmas Eve doing triage, while her apartment building catches fire just before the charred remains are swept away by a huge tidal wave. Her car will be found days later washed up on a beach in New Hampshire, and she will suddenly remember that her auto and renter's insurance has lapsed.
In other words, comparatively, it will be a nice Christmas.
So that's it, Brethren and Sistren. As you see, 1998 will be a banner year for The Blessed One. I know these things.
- Sister Lens-Of-Science
ASK SISTER AUTUMN
by Sister Autumn T.
Brothers and Sisters, tis I, Sister Autumn. I know how hard the holiday season can be on folks. I mean sometimes it is enough to make you just want to put on your best cleavage enhancing black outfit and pout in a corner during parties - after all it is more important to look good than to feel good. So, if you have ever felt this way (especially you brothers) please drop me a line and share your troubles. Remember I'm Sister Autumn, and I feel your pain. Or something kinda like pain. Actually all I felt was a slight ringing in my ears but I tried to imagine it was your pain. Drop me a line at Ask Sister Autumn.
Dear Sister Autumn,
Can I feel general contempt (and the occasional incredibly violent impulses) towards the PUNK and still serve the Holy Archer of the Eyebrow?
I'm conflicted because although it pains me every single time he commits sacrileges like ditching Her, contradicting her sacred SREs, etc. (there are, sadly, too many to mention), I know that She takes all of these abuses for Her own sacred reasons -- thus I wonder if in sometimes wanting to pistol-whip him, I am going against Her divine teachings and examples.
Am I right to feel the way that I do? If not, please help me correct my behaviour so that I may once again become worthy enough to worship at St Scully's (small) blessed feet.
This issue is a very vexing one as we in the Order seem to face it again and again. Luckily, this confusion is something we share with our Saint. If I may quote The Sacred Text of the Book of Jersey Devil: "He's a jerk. He's not a jerk." See, even Saint Scully can't decide what he is. Though I've heard psychologists say that your first instinct is usually right...
I would suggest that while the PUNK does commit acts upon occasion that do make us want to ring his little weasel neck and even cause The Blessed One to mutter words inappropriate for minors under her breath or to shoot him, we must force ourselves to every so often meditate upon his sensitive, considerate and caring times. Both of them.
Dear Sister Autumn,
As a new postulant, I am still struggling with various issues that challenge my faith. Specifically, how does a Sister in St. Scully free herself from lustful thoughts of the Punk One? Although spiritual purity can be more easily acheived during the day, I am tormented at night (and occasionally at work) by his pernicious influence. How does the Blessed One manage?
Sleepless in D.C.,
Hmm. Perhaps you and Sister Lia might get together and find a happy medium here because, as we know, Her Special Agentness is not prone to extremes. My guess is that St. Scully, while appreciating the fact that her partner is indeed easy on the eyes, has no trouble willing away lustful thoughts (when she actually wants to will these thoughts away) by simply remembering a few of his "antics". You may want to watch "Syzygy" or "Revelations" before going to bed (remembering to focus on his cutting remarks and not lines like "You never draw my bath" - that would be counterproductive).
Dear Sister Autumn,
Please forgive me I have almost sinned....again...While at work a fellow co-worker and former friend insinuated that she had special witness to the fact that this (the 5th season) was the last in which the Blessed One and the punk would be gracing our airwaves..... Without thinking and with malice in my heart I told her that "I am thinking evil thoughts for you!"
I also willed that all of her children would look like her.
Please forgive me can you give me a penitence that will save my soul from eternal burning with the Cigarette Smoking Man (who is not dead)?
I realize that the powers that be are probably determining whether or not there will be a sixth season but I am hoping that there will be life after the Movie coming out this next summer...Please let me know if I have to start laying off the Scullyritas ... Also, let me know what penitence will gain forgiveness for me!!
Yours in the faith,
Even the Blessed One thinks evil thoughts about people - but usually when they are, well, evil people. Some of my favorite Scully moments are when she is puffed up and full of that oh-so-righteous indignation staring down the bottom-feeders across an interview table. Makes me downright tingly just thinking about it.
That being said, your co-worker and former friend is not only wrong, she is dead wrong (though you will notice I didn't say as dead wrong as CancerMan because he is NOT dead). I know these things. Trust me. Why is she wrong? Well there is the little matter of the lovely and talented Gillian Anderson who so delightfully portrays our Saint and that other guy having signed 7 year contracts. Plus, the fact that "The Fabulous Adventures of St. Scully and Her Little PUNK Sidekick" (or as some call it "The X-Files") is FOX's number one show, leads me to believe that we will be seeing at least one more season.
As for penance, well I'm guessing that, while misguided, your co-worker is probably not inherently evil like those perps that Our Saint has to deal with. So, you should probably forgive her and take back those things you said about her children (especially if she's a candidate for the "Sanguinarium" Beauty School). However, don't hesitate to set her straight with a firm and direct manner about the error of her ways. You can even make that Cranky!Scully face when you do it. I've found it helps.
Dear Sister Autumn,
This is not so much a question as it is...well...a complaint. Not a complaint really, but more of a suggestion. Although, for the sake of your column's format, I will present it in the form of a question. Could you have found a WORSE picture of Our Blessed St. Scully to grace the front page of this fabulous Web site? I mean, really, with such an attractive woman, there's bound to be hundreds of great mug shots...why the heck did the OBSSE elders pick the only one in which Our Saint looks like she's doped up or dying or gawking at a piece of relish in someone's teeth or something...I mean come on!!
As your question is directed really at the RevMa I forwarded it to her and got the following reply:
"Tell Brother P to kiss my ass."
Is it any wonder why we had to restrain her this month? The smallest things were just setting her off. I knew we should be perhaps worried after the Scully emotional-torture doubleheader, but then the signs began to surface. First there was that unfortunate chat where she had hit the Scullyritas a little too hard. Then she started talking to herself. However, I'm sorry to say, it was your letter that sent her over the edge. Sister La and I were forced to step in.
Dear Brother, I ask you to remember that obviously the RevMa likes that picture. Plus, it's one of the few good looking high quality Scully publicity shots that features her alone sans Mulder. RevMa will be back soon and has plans to redecorate the entire Abbey. If you have a better picture send it to her. Otherwise take her advice.
All Hail 1013's Greatest Threat, Our Dearest Sister Autumn!
Is the possibility of me having experienced Scullymata remotely plausible? As I was walking down the stairs with great pride of being a talented, intelligent and down to earth very-young-woman, I was most certainly *pushed* by another student very much in a hurry to flee with the stolen copies of exams she had taken from the lab while nobody was watching... I fell down (on my knees, mind you) a couple of steps. A fraction of a second later, I stoically stood up, telling everyone who asked "I'm fine". It's only a little later that I realized how badly hurt I was (bleeding knee, huge bruises right on my tibias) but I stayed in complete denial of my state until I got home and put myself in Dr!Scully mode.
I think I've been blessed by our Saint Lady of the Stoic Attitude!
Or cursed, rather... I'm such a dumb ass I actually tripped and fell down all on my own. It hurt as hell and I just wanted to drop to the floor and cry. The "stoically stood up" part is the only truth of the story.. All Lies lead to the Truth, isn't that right?
So, do you see my dilemma (wait, there's one? that's not just me trying to be interesting?). In a way, I am proud that I didn't just cry in a girlish fashion, but then again, was I punished for not having watched Gethsemane enough times?
Dear Sick Sister,
First of all I must commend you on your proper use of sucking up tactics. I'm always a little bit harder on those who fail at that simple task.
Still, I am sorry to have to tell you this, but you are confused on a number of counts. While I am sorry for your injury, I am not sure that Our Lady of the Remission Chip would approve of concocting a lie (no matter how clever) to cover a simple stumble. When St. Scully fibs it is usually for something big. As for "All Lies Lead to the Truth", I think we learned that actually, if we are to believe the events of "Redux" all lies really lead to a lot of voiceovers, plot devices, and the mother of all nosebleeds. Which brings me to my next point. All good Postulates know that Scullymata refers to the Sacred Nosebleed and not bruised knees. As for the reason for your fall I sincerely doubt it had anything to do with not watching "Gethsemane" as watching it at all was punishment enough. If you were forced to watch it while fast forwarding over the Scully scenes - now THAT would be punishment.
Dearest Benevolent Sister Autumn,
I find myself in grave need of your advice. I am being pursued through ICQ by a guy who thinks that he is the very PUNKBOY himself. He writes me erotic letters and generally plays up to me because he is a shipper and believes that I am the factual representation of the Sainted one. Help me get rid of him!
Meanwhile, I have found the ideal partner for our dearest Saint! He looks like Mulder in every way, so as to satisfy her apparent lust for the creature who no matter how stupid, appears to be sexy physically. However, unlike the Punkboy, he is deserving of her utmost esteem, he is one of the top 25 smartest people in the world for his age and he is absolutely fascinated by science.... oh, how do we go about setting them up? Can I have him, will the Saint forgive me?
Rabbi Dana KATHERINE.S
What exactly is "ICQ"? It seems like you might mean "IRC" but when I hear "ICQ" for some reason I think "DQ" which of course makes me think of ice cream and I can't imagine how that would be bad at all. Now what were we talking about? Erotic letters? Which ones does he use? Personally I have always found "S" and "B" the most erotic. I don't know why. As for getting rid of unwanted advances perhaps you may want to use the words of St. Scully herself when confronted with an unsavory advance "Get the hell away from me!". That might help him get the picture.
I'm not sure that I believe the second part of your letter - that you
have somehow dug up an intelligent and apparently well trained Mulder clone
scientist - so yeah, you can have him. No forgiveness needed. By the way,
what episode did you witness this "apparent lust" in? I must have missed
ALL SHE WANTS FOR CHRISTMAS IS...ADESK!ADESK!ADESK!!!
by RevM...uh..Sister Jane Doe
Ask a bunch of Scullyists what they'd give St. Scully for Christmas,
and they'll scream in unison: A DESK! A BLEEP'N DESK! Gee. What a surprise,
huh? A desk--complete with nameplate and slightly larger than Agent Mulder's
(desk, that is...)--was the overwhelming OBSSE favorite Christmas gift
for St. Scully this holiday season, according to the results of last month's
OBSSE poll. But hot on its heels were several...uh...other interesting
holiday "treats", the most popular of which had to be comfortable shoes,
a tropical vacation (complete with hunky Latin types, courtesy of Sister
Jasmine), a pet, and...uh...physical release from the frustrations of her
profession, so to speak. Read on to find out just how "giving" the Brethren/Sistren
can be when it comes to the Sainted One:
From Sister loa:
"A big Doberman Pinscher named SicMulder! Just kidding...a desk, a desk, A DESK A DESK ADESKADESKADESK! And a Hershey's Pot O' Gold."
From Sister Ashley:
"A first edition copy of Moby Dick, or Mulder naked and tied with a red ribbon."
"A radio program where She could diffuse Her holy words and play Her favorite music."
From Sister Cerulian:
"One of those radiation-blocking devices for mobile phones...All that time on the phone gives her a dangerous 'hot spot' on the side of her head. :-D We don't want that happening now, do we?"
"One year of totally free health care coverage: Her co-pay must be astronomical by now!"
From Sister Joanne:
"A wine and cheese basket and a matched set of sleeping bags for her and the Punk's next trip to the woods."
From Brother Kevin:
"Earplugs. Just pop 'em in and nod your head. Mulder'll never know the difference as he goes off on some tangent relating the success of Ted Nugent to the Black Sox scandal. Meanwhile you're in your own world of silence and ordered thoughts."
From Sister Starrrbuck:
"A date! One stinking, lousy date that wasn't a homicidal maniac or a total loser would be nice! Of course, Mulder in a tux bearing flowers would be preferable. :-)"
From Sister Glasses:
"A new, little, shining leather FBI-ID wallet with inscription: This side up."
From Sister Megadee:
"Some heel add-ons. You know the feeling...your mother/brother/whatever gives you some flat shoes. Oh...how nice. But seriously, who can run in flats? Still...you don't want to hurt their feelings. So...heel add-ons! Just stick them onto those flats, and you can run like the wind in moments!"
From OBSSE Member Phoenix:
"...An electron microscope to use in the ongoing search for Mulder's brain."
From Sister Tammy Perpetua:
"A package of Days-of-the-Week Push-Up Bras."
From Sister Shari:
"A one-way ticket to the moon for big brother Bill and his ditzy wife."
From Sister Jaina:
"I would give our Saint the computer files detailing the truth behind each and every conspiracy/X-File St. Scully and Punk have ever come across, which will clearly be full of SREs, so that she can shove it in Punk's face and prove that she was indeed right."
From Sister Juliettt:
"Still-Obsessive-but-Appreciative-of-Her-Many-Wonderful-Qualities-Because-After all-She-Is-right-Nekkid!Mulder on a bearskin rug. Red velvet Speedo optional."
From Sister Kim:
"One extremely happy day...."
From Sister Ishmaelle:
"Scully to be stranded for a month at a plush resort on a normal ol' tropical island, with no computers, no phones, no annoying pregnant sisters-in-laws, no dead or dying people, and no X-Files phenomena whatsoever. (I would let there be one Det. Kresge, though...and a plentiful supply of Scullyritas ;-)
From Sister Kathy:
"Two kittens. Two, because they would be alone a lot. Kittens, because cats are more independent than dogs and don't require as much attention. And living creatures, well, because' she's tried a dog and a child, and that hasn't exactly worked out...."
From Brother Northwest Smith:
"Elbow length latex gloves. No, not for autopsies, for shaking hands with the Punk. Considering his video/magazine collection, you never know where his hands have been.
From Sister Leslie:
"Some saintly Aerosole boots. Her feet must be killing!"
From Sister Chupacabra:
"The knowledge that we all worship her."
THE HOLY RESOLUTIONS OF ST. SCULLY FOR 1998
by Sister Squat
I was asked by our esteemed sister, La.. Dee.. Da.., to write something for the Holy Missive. "Meeee?" I gasped. "You want meeee to write something?" I then proceeded to wrack my brain. Wrack, wrack, wrack. And then the obvious hit me, and then Trepidation hit me after Obvious stepped aside so Trepidation could have a go. Being the January issue of News for the OBSSEssed, it occurred that I should propose a series of New Year's Resolutions for our Blessed One. But could I do that? Could I, a humble servant of the One-Who-Sprints-In-Three-Inch-Heels, presume to have the audacity to suggest to Her how She might improve Herself in the second (or third, take your pick) last year of the millennium? Especially since my own resolutions dissolve faster than a pair of Scully's shoes in green goo. However, a prayer to St. Scully (and a Scullyrita) helped me to realize that as glorious as Her Chipness is, She is also endearingly human, and thus could use a little moral tune up (or down, as the case may be) from time to time. So, with all due love and respect for our dear Lady of the Really Nice Shoes and Completely Flattering Casual Wear, I humbly propose the following New Year's Resolutions:
Write a monograph for The Journal of Irreproducible Results. Call it "Reduced Credibility Production in recidivist PUNKS".
Tell Bill that you love him, but that you wish he'd realize you're all grown up now.
Rent "Men In Black".
Buy red satin sheets. Just for yourself.
Show up at work wearing jeans, runners, and a sweatshirt.
Pick a body part and have it pierced.
Kiss Skinner's head in the middle of a case briefing.
Laugh, for god's sake.
Tape over all the videos in Mulder's desk that aren't his with a "Science Frontiers" marathon.
Ditch Mulder. Just once. Okay, more than once.
Invite Agents Stonecypher and Kinsley to a party at Mulder's. Don't tell Mulder about the party.
Fer cryin' out loud...LAUGH!
Find a really nice guy and have a meaningful relationship. Failing that, have a meaningful one night stand.
Avoid getting another tattoo, at least on your first date.
If you can't laugh,
at least crack a smile more than once a week.
- Sister Squat, who thanks Sister Lens-of-Science for her willingness
to read the beta version of this piece and to deign to chuckle at least
once or twice...You're a peach! :)
CHANNEL DARIN MORGAN (OR YOUR FAVORITE WRITER)...
Seeing as though the excessive Scully torture of late has inspired this
ANGST-FREE newsletter we thought it would be a nice idea that for this
OBSSE poll we call on the followers of the Blessed One to make up the perfect
Scullycentric episode plot. So, you are the writer. Give us a brief description
of your fantasy episode for the Enigmatic Dr. Scully.
KOMIX BY KEV
by Brother Kevin J. Vos
Who woulda thunk it. Lurking in the Abbey scribbling away and amusing
us with his wit on the mailing list Brother Kevin Vos was hiding a deep
dark secret... He is a wonderfully talented artist. How did we find this
out? Well, in the form of an envelope sent to Sister Autumn for the fundraiser.
After we got done laughing we asked Brother Kev to be a regular contributor
to the newsletter. I think, after seeing the following you'll know why.
Since its inception not too long ago the OBSSE mailing list has proved itself to be THE place to be for fun and frivolity on the net. You'll laugh, you'll cry, it will become a part of you. Just log on and prepare for more email than you ever imagined (and thankfully we even have a digest format for those easily overwhelmed)!
To join the OBSSE Mailing List, simply send a message to firstname.lastname@example.org
(NOT to the OBSSE list!). Leave the subject field blank, but in the body
of the message type: subscribe obsse (your email addy). As a sample of
what you've been missing we submit to you the following report from Sister
SISTER LENS-OF-SCIENCE REPORTS:
It was a dark, dark day in the Abbey. The Kitchen Crew was bored and those not on "Kitchen Duty" (*is* there anyone not on "Kitchen Duty"?) were doing - well, whatever it is they do (I wouldn't know. I'm usually in the kitchen.). All of a sudden, out of nowhere, struck a deviant thread on the OBSSE mailing list.... It came to be known far and wide as...
Sister Squat STARTED IT all with:
I'd love to see a show where Scully and Mulder try to pin down the best place to buy new Armani stuff. (sweeping Mark Snow score underlying Scully's dialogue:
"Muuuullllderrrrr! Over heeere! Holt's has trenchcoats for one-third off!!")
Lens abandoned all attempts at a serious conversation
Scully: "Dammit, Mulder! That is not my size!"
Scully: "Whatever cheesy designer knock-offs I have encountered, I have always viewed through the lens of science."
or even... Scully: "The Armani's are there. You just have to know where to look." (followed by, naturally... "I only get five?!?")
Sister La poured gasoline on the fire by adding:
Scully: "Mulder, the suit is out there, but so are the ties"
Lens was UNABLE to restrain herself and added:
Scully: "He said the men behind this coat, these ties, gave me this suit to make you believe..."
At which point Sister JP piped up with:
Colton: "Whose side are you on?" Scully: "The customer's."
Which practically FORCED Brother Kevin to counter
Scully: "Co-ordinating's the easy part Mulder. I just need more than you....I need pumps."
Mulder: (in K-Mart, talking on cellphone) "They've got a blue
light special on Wranglers, Scully."
Scully: (in Saks Fifth Avenue) "I've got to get you out of there!"
Scully: "You've got to tell them I bought that hat for you."
Mulder: (Touched by his partner's sacrifice, but...) "I can't let you do that."
Scully: "If I can save you from the Fashion Police, let me."
Which inspired Sister Jenna to add:
Scully: "I think they are afraid of you, afraid of your relentlessness. I think they know they could drop you in the middle of Neiman Marcus and say "The Armani is out there" and you'd ask for a shopping cart...."
Mulder: "I feel, Scully, that you believe that this color is right for you and you've always had the strength of your fashion sense. I don't know if my being here will help you coordinate, but I'm here."
Scully: "I must remind you that this goes against Saks' policy of male and female shoppers consorting in the same dressing room"
and still more... Scully: "Mulder...look at this! There
must be hundreds of marked down items here..."
Mulder: "Anything good?"
Which reminded Lens to contribute:
Scully: "Mulder, I wouldn't stand in this line for anyone but you....."
At which point The MOST REVEREND MOTHER got
Mulder: "I can't let you do it Scully. I can't let you give me your Neiman's coupon."
Scully: "If I can save you 10 percent Mulder, let me."
Sister Glasses then HURLED herself joyfully
into the fray with:
(after a fruitless search through several men´s departments) Scully: "Mulder, there is one thing I´m certain of, as certain as I am of this life: You´ll have nothing to wear when this is over."
Not to be outdone, Sister JP chimed in with:
Scully: "Okay, Mulder, but I'm warning you. If this is that Kathie Lee brand, you're on your own."
and.. Mulder: "Where is the designer?"
Sister Juliette chose this very moment to add:
Mulder: (looking at Scully, who is holding up a new gold suit to see how it enhances her complexion) "You KNOW what I like. . . ."
Mulder: "Do you believe in the existence of wholesale?"
Scully: "Logically, I would have to say no. By very definition, the purchasing of an Armani suit in a store implies markup, middlemen, and overhead costs. The sales are there, Mulder--you just have to know where to look."
Scully: (on seeing Mulder has paid retail) "Sucker!"
Sister Steph, not to be outdone, contributed:
And then there's the time when Scully gets a little overly upset when someone spills coffee on Mulder...
Scully: "And I'm here to tell you that if he has to change his tie because of what you've done, no one will be able to stop me from being the one to throw that switch and gas you out of this life for good, you son of a bitch!"
Sister JP immediately retaliated with:
CSM: "Protect the fabric. You know how important Mulder is to the wardrobe."
Lens, feeling that the entire thread was rapidly
spiraling out of control, gave it a good SHOVE with:
Random navy guy: "What is that thing?"
Scully: "That is a black silk Donna Karan tunic dress accessorised with clunky shoes and silver jewelry."
RNG: "It sure is."
Mulder: "I just got very turned on."
Sister Boris, apparently having even less of
an interest in doing work than Sister Lens, then happily added:
Scully: "I've seen the shoes, Mulder. Now what I want are the pantsuits."
Scully: "What I find fantastic is the notion that there are suits beyond the realm of this store. The suits are here, you just have to know where to look."
Scully: "Take that last shirt, Mulder, and I'll hurt you like that beast woman."
Scully: "A shopper's greatest magic lies in our willingness to believe; Imagine a miracle, and you're halfway there."
Scully: "I know that the world is full of con artists, just as it has always been. And I know that it is my job, as a shopper, to protect myself from them. And I have counted on that fact to give me faith in my ability to find this suit....I want that faith back....I need it back."
Scully: "Did you learn about 'matching clothes' in kindergarten?"
Scully: "Mulder, I think the only thing more fortuitous than the evolution of life on this planet is that through purely random laws of biological evolution, a designer as ingenious as Armani ever emanated from it. The idea of another fine designer, aside from being astronomically improbable, is, at its most basic level, downright anti-Darwinian."
Scully: "Why do you always get first choice? Because you're the guy? Because you're the big, macho man?"
Scully: "Nothing happens in contradiction to fashion, just in contradiction to what we know of it."
Scully: "Not everything is about you, Mulder. This is *my* shopping spree."
Scully: "Mulder, what are these people shopping for? Is it for the suits or for the ties?"
Scully: "This is not the way to the suits, Mulder. You've got to trust me."
These two don't even need changing...
Scully: "Do you recall what Barnum said about suckers?"
Scully: "Are you going to shoot me? Is that how much this means to you?"
Sisters Ishmaelle and Ant came over to the
dark side and added:
Mulder: "Lots of suits..."
Scully: "Lots and lots of suits..."
(Or, as Mulder picks up black t-shirt, jeans, and a black leather
jacket, The Lone Gunman all pause and look at him.)
Mulder: "Funky poaching-wear."
They nod, and continue combing the sock racks...
Displaying a TOTAL and COMPLETE lack of self-control,
Sister Dani rejoined:
(Scully coming out of a dressing room in a new suit for Mulder's opinion.)
Mulder: "Sure fine!"
Sister Juliette SHAMELESSLY added:
Scully: "Mulder, put the gun down."
Mulder: "He's the one, Scully! He's the one who washed my wool slacks on hot!"
Scully: "Mulder. . . ." ::BLAM!"::
Mulder: "I still have my work. I still have you. I still have my gray Armani with the muted pinstripe."
Mulder: "What--do you have a date?"
Scully: "No. I have the showing of the new fall line at Donna Karan."
Mulder: "Can you cancel?"
Scully: "Unlike you, Mulder, I want to have a varied wardrobe."
Mulder: (added line) "Well, can I come with?"
SisKris then GRACIOUSLY pointed out:
Scully: "I need to know you are out there, color coordinated, if I am ever to get through this fashion crisis."
This caused Sister Sick-Of-Abductions to give
in to her baser urges and post:
Scully: "Mulder, SHOES just fell from the sky!"
Scully: "Many of the shoes I have bought have challenged my stability and my gravity in traffic-jammed streets. But this uncertainty has only strengthened my need to run...to catch highly trained terrorists...to buy even higher heels that seem to defy the fact I'm still standing up. It was those heels that allowed me to reach the microscope to isolate the retrovirus Agent Mulder was exposed to. And ultimately, it were my shoes that saved Agent Mulder's life."
Scully: "Feel free to pump in anytime."
Scully: "There are good-looking ties and there are ugly ties--and then there are your ties."
Scully: "How is it that I'm able to go out on a limb whenever I see a new pair of shoes and I'm unwilling to accept the possibility of not buying it?"
Scully: "Armani? Those are Armani?"
Scully: "I am Agent Dana Scully from the FBI! I assure you that everything is going to be fine. Now where the hell are those shoes on discount!"
Scully: "Mulder, if you had to wear a nice tie for two minutes you'd lapse into catatonic schizophrenia."
Scully: "For truly to buy fitting shoes, we must understand them. We must venture into their insoles. Only in doing so, do we risk letting them venture... into our closet?"
Scully: "Well, seeing as how it's Friday, I was thinking of getting some work in on that monograph I'm writing for the Consumer's Guide Review--'Diminished Acetylcholine Production in Recidivist Buyers.' I might bag that though. Yeah, I must say, Mulder, those news shoes you found really have me intrigued. I think I'm going to go down to the mall and try some samples on. See you Monday."
Scully: "Mulder, you may not be what you're wearing!"
FINALLY, Sister Loa S belatedly, and cheerfully
Scully: "Mulder, why do you wear those awful ties?"
Mulder: "Sometimes the need to defy fashion outweighs the millstone of humiliation..."
Scully: "That is the ugliest tie I've ever seen...."
Mulder: "Well, I wouldn't want to disappoint you by not disappointing you."
would like to add that following this series of exchanges, Thorazine was
made widely available in the Abbey's vending machine, next to the Cheez-Its
I did a little digging around for something old something new, something funny, and something blue to help kick off the new year with some good reading. Have fanfic picks suggestions? Email them to me at email@example.com.
MABTNG, now THERE is a name for you, has always been one of my favorite fanfic authors. Her debut piece "15 Seconds to Eternity" was a great read for those that like a case-driven story. Her style tends more to the action/adventure and always features a strong Scully. She's been writing a series now for a while called "When a Tree Falls" that I can wholeheartedly recommend for some good, old fashioned angst. You can find all her fanfic by visiting her website.
Syn is a farily new author and has contributed a number of shorter pieces over the last few months. It was her Halloween offering "A Halloween Confection" that just had me rolling with laughter - it is a delightful portrayl of the Blessed One in playful mode. For those in the mood for a little rational romance (how is that for a classification)check out "A Detour to Felicity".
Mary Ruth Keller
When Mary Ruth joined our fair Order, she included the following on her application for admittance: "In the fan-fiction I have written I have always attempted to show the basic correctness of a logical, rational approach to the paranormal. Only through careful analysis can truth be separated from falsehood. Any case for the paranormal that does not include comprehensive documentation and evidential support, such as only the Blessed One can provide, is only so much Mulderhotair." To which I say "Right on Sister!"
Make sure you've got some time before sitting down to read one of Mary
Ruth's pieces. Not only are her works usually quite long, but they are
guaranteed to make you think as well. The first story of hers to really
hook me was "Xibalba" - what "Ruins" could have and should have been. She's
also been hard at work with what she calls her Dana Scully Trilogy: "Passages
in Memory", "Archaea", and the soon to be released "Zurvan". You can find
all her stories on her website.
That's it for this issue, Brothers and Sisters. Hopefully the RevMa will be "better" next month and up to her old antics. See you all in February.
Psst!....Nancy (no clever sig/RevMa) Cotton here.
I've escaped from my "treatment" long enough just to thank Sisters Autumn and La..Dee..Da.. (and the other Sisters and Brother who contributed to the newsletter this month) for caring for my spiritual well being and for doing such an exquisite job on the newsletter! I predict permanent employment in the OBSSE copyrighting department for them this coming year. ;-) Also, I just had to include an email I received from one of our sisters, Sister Leyla Harrison. Leyla (aka Starbuck72) dropped me an email right after I posted on December 14 the fact that the OBSSE needed only $63 more to reach our goal of receiving $2,000 in pledges for NF, Inc. Anyway, Leyla's letter really touched me, and she said I could share it all with ya'll, so, here you go. Thanks to everyone who helped us with this wonderful project!!!:
"December 15, 1997:
Greetings on this freezing cold morning...
Imagine my surprise when I checked the newsgroup and saw that the OBSSE was only $63 short for reaching its $2,000 goal for Neurofibromatosis.
You know, I don't know if you knew this, but recently I've been dealing with cancer myself. I'm 25 years old, and I was diagnosed in early April and have watched Gillian play Scully dealing with cancer and have been moved beyond belief. She has all of my respect and gratitude for portraying a cancer patient dealing with *real* fears and issues. (Well, except for the chip in her neck, of course.)
The point of this is, I went into remission 10 days ago. Christmas came early for me. I'm feeling a little...generous.
Consider the goal reached. Autumn, I'll be sending my check for $63 to you today...."
Happy New Year Sisters, Brothers, and Friends around the globe! We
all have *so much* to celebrate!!! (And hopefully even more on January
18. Don't miss the Golden Globes! GA and DD and the show are all nominated.)
"News for the OBSSEsed" is copyright 1998 by Nancy Cotton, except
for the characters (which I don't own, I just play with) and a few of the
photos and gifs, but not many.