News for the OBSSEsed
Issue No. 22, February 1999

Of Birthdays, Love, and Anniversaries...

Hearts to Ya!Welcome to the February 1999 edition of "News for the OBSSEsed."

You know, February is a particular holy month here at the Abbey. Not only is it St. Scully's birthday this month (on February 23--a high feast day indeed!), it's also the month in which we celebrate love, especially the romantic variety. And what better way to do so than with a little MSR, OBSSE style. Please peruse our "Happy Valentine with Some S&M" photos below. We think you'll find it...pleasurable. Also, in time for VD (Hmm...I never realized how aptly named the holiday is....), Sister Squat presents a wonderful new addition to our ever-increasing OBSSE catalog of merchandise--the "Angstalator." Don't leave a cutesy X-File episode without it!

Did you miss catching Gillian Anderson on The View a few weeks back? Don't fret. Sisters Sonya, KathyG, and La..Dee..Da.. will give you the blow by blow (painful, as it might be). Sister NaK presents a case for "Kick Ass Science!Scully" that will make you think twice about what KickAss really means. And Sister Lauren...I mean...Moonflower enlightens us with a look at St. Scully's fortune, just in time for The Blessed One's birthday. Love, she assures us, is in the air...

One last thing, this month (February 23 again) marks the second anniversary of the debut of the OBSSE web site (Although the Order itself was formed about four years ago.) and the opening of the Abbey to the world at large. More than 1,300 members and 25 nations later, we're still going strong!

May St. Scully's blessings be upon ya'll, and happy, happy Valentine's Day!

Nancy's Signature
RevMa Nancy (no clever sig)

PS: Happy Birthday (also the Blessed Day of February 23) to JRH. :-)

OBSSE X-Files Episode Guide Debuts

OBSSE XF Episode GuidePrance, don't walk, to Sister La..Dee..Da..'s brand spank'n (we wish) new "OBSSE X-Files Episode Guide," located at the Abbey Library Site. Looking for which episodes feature Mulder ditches? Want to read more about nanites?.. or the Yellow Fever epidemic of 1798 in New York City?... How about applying to the University of Maryland? It's all here, along with links to Autumn's Reviews, episode transcripts, essays and much more, including a handy-dandy icon legend that will tell you whether you'll see Sacred!Scully, KickAss!Scully, or OurLittleSailor!Scully (among others) in the episodes. Although the Guide is still under construction, Sister La.. assures me she is ready to receive guests. So drop on by today!

Hey. What are you staring at? I said GO!

OBSSEsed Fest 99: Get Ready to Register!
by Sister Nanchita

Sister Beatrice BeaverHello fellow OBSSE'rs! Time once again for your monthly OBSSEsed Fest Update. The news this month is that registration for Fest (which takes place June 17-20 in Winter Park, Colorado at the Beaver Village Resort, hence the mascot at right) will open in mid to late March. That should give everyone ample time to plan their roommates, transportation, and money issues (not necessarily in that order). We'll use the same online registration form that we used last year (with slight modifications - sadly we won't be needing to buy tickets to see Scully on the big screen), so all you'll have to do is access the Abbey to sign up.

Budget planning for Fest is still underway, but we suspect the registration fee will remain in the $35-$40 range. (The RevMa thinks she may have a couple of bags of chips left over... That may keep the price down.) We'll announce final Fest arrangements and registration on the OBSSE Mailing List and in next month's newsletter, so put in those vacation requests now!

My Heart's Spinning!Valentine's Day with S&M
By RevMa Nancy (no clever sig)

Ah, Valentine's Day! That wonderful time of year when our minds turn to thoughts of love (and sex) and chocolate (and sex) and flowers (and sex). And sex. Did I mention sex? So even though Scully and Mulder (otherwise known as "S&M"....Oh, did you think I meant something else? So sorry for the confusion.) may never get to "do it" on the screen, they can do it in our OBSSE newsletter, God Damnit! Oh, sorry again. Emotions run so high this time of year....

Therefore, without further ado, the OBSSE presents to you, "A Very Happy Valentine with Some S&M," I mean, "Scully and Mulder." Well, you know. Enjoy!

Once Upon a Valentine's Day...
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On Valentine's Day, even Fox Mulder's fancies can turn to thoughts of things other than alien abductions...
Mulder does research...

A Cruise in the Country
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With handbook in tow our flawed, but adorable, young FBI agent asks St. Scully on a date.
Graciously, she accepts.
A drive in the country and a picnic in the meadows--how romantic!
Of course, St. Scully leads the way.
Drive, Scully! Drive!

Bubbles! Bubbles! Mulder's Tummy Rumbles!
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Poor Mulder! He's not used to drinking so much Pink Champagne.
Oh No! Don't vomit on St. Scully's holy pumps, Fox!
Jump him now! Oh, come on!

Ant Invasion!
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What's a picnic without a few insects?
Oh that's right. Mulder hates bugs.
Run away, Mulder! Run away!!!
St. Scully will protect you!
Hey Mulder, you dropped your gun

Our Hero!
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KungFu!Scully saves the day!
KungFu! Scully saves the day!

His Heart on His Sleeve...
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What's this???
Fox Mulder handing his heart to St. Scully?
(Too bad he picked the psychedelic one he made in 9th grade shop class.)
Will she accept him? Reject him? Oh my, the pressure!

Yes! YES! YES!!!!
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And a little "Oh my GOD!" thrown in for good measure.
St. Scully: Always on top of every situation.

Happy Valentine's Day Everyone!
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(Editor's Note: For more (and better) Mulder/Scully action figure adventures, be sure to visit Barbara Ruef's Alien Ice Picktures Presents... Barb's put a new adventure on the site that OBSSE members will NOT want to miss. Check out "The Confession," inspired by the OBSSE itself. Thanks for the homage, Barb! And keep up the great work!)

The Angstalator!
by Sister Squat (So Hot Pink It Hurts!)

As it's coming up soon to Valentine's Day (in honor of Valentine, the patron saint of thoughtless, perfunctory gifts), we at the Abbey decided it was time to update the Order's product catalogue. Looking for the perfect gift for your dearly beloved? Look no further!

ITEM: The Personal Abbey Angstalator

DESCRIPTION: Tired of the recent run of cutesy, pseudo-shippy-poo homages to life, the universe, and everything? The Personal Abbey Angstalator will take care of that burning, yearning need for angst gratification. Let's face it; when what you rely on for angst is just not performing, it's time for a little self-stimulation.

Battery operated, The Angstalator is discreet and designed for your personal, private use. Disguised as a set of Walkman head phones, a flick of a hidden switch feeds impulses directly to your visual and auditory cortex. We have developed a set of cartridges (sold separately) that are tailored to your angst needs, as cautious or as adventuresome as they may be. Choose from these fine titles (more in development!):

Gentle AngstFor Beginners:
Gentle angst, just to get you started.

More AngstFor the More Adventurous:
Soft angst, with just a hint of something hotter.
  AAAHHH Angst!For The Really Angst Deprived:
Red-hot angst for those who can handle it and beg for more.
(Not recommended for Sisters and Brothers with heart conditions or pregnant women) Limited Time Special! Buy two and share the angst with a (wink) special friend!

OPERATION: A View of The View
(AKA: The OBSSE World Domination Plan--One Talk Show at a Time)
by Sonya and KathyG(with additional narrative by La..Dee..Da..)

EDITOR'S NOTE: Last month, Gillian Anderson made personal appearances on a plethora of TV talk shows, one of these talks shows was: The View. OBSSE Sisters Sonya, KathyG, and La..Dee..Da.., among others, were successful in commandeering tickets to this most...uh...interesting event and setting the OBSSE World Domination Plans in weren't suppose to know that. Uh, what I mean is that they and their OBSSE banner got in and got airtime, 'kay? Here now, For OBSSE Eyes Only, are the details of their Rogue-like operation:

Shh! Don't tell.

January 8, 1999, 5:05pm
After speeding home in 4 inches of treacherous snow, KathyG scrambles to the phone to call ABC and secures tickets to The View and proceeds to jump up and down uncontrollably with joy.

January 8, 1999, 6:00pm
Kathy G posts to the OBSSE mailing list that she's acquired tickets to see Gillian Anderson on The View.

January 8, 1999, 6:01pm
La.. is still blithely unaware that a show called The View even exists.. but  <GASP> ..all of that is about to change <Ominous music swells> when a certain Elder sends an innocent looking email *demurely* giving out details on how to get tickets to The View.

January 10, 1999, 11:15am
Kathy G asks me if I want to go with her to The View.

Do a little happy dance, ..she pranced.. then proceed to investigate the logistics of getting my butt from podunksville in Southern New Jersey to the Big Apple with no car.

Accept KathyG's wonderful offer and begin work on Operation Tee Shirts. OTS consists of grabbing the OBSSE logo off of the web site and printing it on Iron-on transfer paper.

12:01pm - 8:30pm and 10:15pm - 1:00am January 11, 1999
Give up on Operation Tee Shirts. The Iron-on transfer paper is CRAP! And I ruined a perfectly good shirt in the process as well.

January 11, 1999, 5:00am
Wake Up. <GROAN> Eat Breakfast, (The most important meal of the day. A bagel with real cream cheese.) shower and DO hair. (Now I may not be right-haired, but there's no way I'm going to looked wrong-haired, if you know what I mean.)

6:30 - 7:05 am
Wait for the bus in the cold (-7 degrees F with the wind chill factor) and watch the sun rise.

7:05 - 8:35 am
Ride NJ Transit's 409 bus to Trenton. At approximately 7:15 am chatty passenger sits down next to me and proceeds to tell me her life story. 8:09 am Chatty passenger exits the vehicle. ..along with Sonya's wallet.

9:04 - 10:24 am
Ride NJ Transit's train to NYC. Before I even set foot on the train, I'm approached by another chatty passenger. At least he was somewhat interesting and knew when to shut up after a while. He departed at the Newark station. ..along with Sonya's bag lunch.

10:24 - 10:45am
Wandered around Penn Station and found the subway. Asked directions and was treated courteously by a passer-by. ..who only managed to get a pack of tic-tacs out of Sonya's pocket.. Took the subway to Columbus Circle (59th St.).

10:45 - 11:05 am
Walked the 10 or so blocks it takes to get to the ABC Studios, 360 West 66th Street. ..which is SO far over on the West Side that if you walk three more steps you'd land in the Hudson River. Come to think of it.. the smell of trout WAS in the air that day.

11:06 am
Approached KathyG, who was non-chalantly leaning against the building and uttered the code words. "Saint Scully..." To which Kathy replied. "Kicks Ass!" (who then proceeds to do her imitation of PornoNurseKick!Scully... well not really ..which is too bad because a good street mime can make quite a bundle.. but in her mind she did :)

11:06 - 11:45 am
Walk around the building to find that the doors do not open until 11:45. Being in complete agreement that it was TOO NONMOVIEWORDING cold to stand there all that time; we found a nearby deli to stay warm in and chatted. Ran into to other obses... err, focused fans and walked back to the ABC building.

11:45am - 12:05 pm
A small line had formed and we promptly took our place, and waited. The group of about 6 women in front of us were from GAWS and we began to bond. Laughingly, neither Kathy or I had ever seen La ..I've been taking invisible lessons from Paula..  and we were wondering if she had got tickets as well.

12:05 -12:15pm
The line begins to move and we are finally allowed inside. As we get to the front desk, Kathy gives her name and claims our tickets. Yay! We quickly come to another line. This one is to make sure we're not carrying weapons. ..and why audience members would *want* to carry weapons all became clear about an hour later.. (Damn, I knew I should have left the Sig at home...) and we each had to remove all metallic sources from our persons, place them in a bowl and walk through a portable metal detector. What a joke. Some people had to go through three or four times because something as simple as your underwire bra ..or the implant in your neck.. could set it off.

12:15 - 1:21pm
Another line. More bonding with the GAWS gals and general conversation with the people around us. An intern comes out and asks the crowd to show her how great a fan you are. Since Kathy had the presence of mind to create an OBSSE banner, I promptly made her unfurl it and show it to Felicity. Since we had her attention, we also produced our Action Figures which she immediately latched on to. We told her it was ok to use them, but we had better get them back (Nobody messes with my Scully!)

We are escorted to the elevators. Seems The View is produced in a studio that's on the third floor of this building and they have to send us up in waves of about 20 people.

1:21 - 2:00pm
Finding seats we plop ourselves down and wait for the taping, but because Kathy showed Felicity her banner, we are moved to second row center in the bleachers. Angelina (the person who has the dubious honor of warming up the audience) ..actually her name is "Angela".. not that it makes any difference.. but I feel all the guilty parties should be properly identified .. makes us show everyone there what the sign says; and lo and behold, we're seated between La and her brother ..who has since put out a contract on me for dragging him to this debacle.. and two other OBSSE sisters, Sandy and Rachel!

2:00 - 3:00pm
The taping. Yes it was demeaning. ..irritating.. humiliating.. oh, and nauseating.. We were forced into a new workout routine called clap until it hurts. ..or you hurt someone.. The intro was rolled and we had to sustain our applause for about two minutes, which is actually a pretty long time, for clapping. Unfortunately, they didn't get that take so we had to do it again. <Bah> ..<BLEEP>.. They also made us do a standing ovation when the interviewers were entering the studio. ..<BLEEP@#!*BLEEPIN'*#+%!!BLEEP>.. Ahh, if only I knew then, what I know now, I would not have stood. When it came time for Gillian to appear, they turned the cameras around and asked us to hold the banner at a certain angle to get a good shot. Hoo Boy! National exposure. I shan't go into the fiasco that was this interview, ..I shall. In brief, the so-called "hosts" of the show were so busy trying to beat each other to the one-liners, they weren't even listening to Gillian's part of the conversation and proceeded to make asses of themselves when the "discussion" became rather offensive and Gillian called them on it.. but it was very apparent to those of us who were true fans in the audience just how uncomfortable Gillian was. Not surprisingly, after her segment was shot, she bolted ..but not before signing all of the memorabilia the staff had collected from the fans.. and we were left to endure hair removal .. .. .. .. .. I have nothing to add here.. the topic says it all.. and an unfunny comedian...for the record.. I thought George Wallace's segment was funny.. Just remember, we do it all for you.  (KathyG inserts a <groan> here for feeling so cheap and used because of all that clapping, and then we couldn't just get up and *leave*) ..Well.. there WAS that woman in the fourth row whose "daughter" became miraculously ill about one minute AFTER Gillian's segment was over and she went racing out.. but I'm not bitter for not thinking of it first.. oh no.. not me.

Kathy hooks up with the GAWS people. They are going to the Letterman taping. I would like to stay, but practicality wins out. I'm not fond of the idea of staying in the city after dark. We say our good-byes and I start the journey home. (Kathy then proceeds to stand in the bitter cold for several hours at Letterman but gets rewarded by getting to gaze unobstructed upon GA from 2 feet away...major THUD!... suddenly it wasn't so cold anymore :)

3:20 - 3:35 pm
Take a cab from the ABC studios to Penn Station. Get stuck with a chatty cabbie. ..who takes the "shortcut" through Brooklyn to get to Penn Station and only charges $35 for the fare.

3:43 - 4:58pm
Take NJ Transit train to Trenton. Call my SO on his cell phone to tell him I'm alive and well after my little adventure and give him an ETA as to when I'm going to get home. Mentioned the word Barbie (Gillian signed an XF Barbie set) which causes my seatmate to strike up a conversation with me ..and deftly take the cellphone out of of Sonya's pocket.. (What do I have 'talk to me' stenciled on my forehead or something?) ..nope, just "out-of-towner" <grin>..

5:10- 6:35pm
Take NJ Transit bus 409 to Willingboro, where my SO is waiting to pick me up. Next stop, after checking my messages? The bar and one right blended Scullyrita.

..and that is ... essentially, exactly the way it happened... essentially..

And anyway.. Star Jones was drugged.

Science! Scully to the Rescue!
by Sister NOT a Klingon (aka NaK)

I noticed some very odd grumbling in the Abbey halls after the airing of SR819. No, it was not, "We didn't get enough Scully!" That is not odd, just unfortunately true; we never get enough of the Archer of the Mighty Eyebrow. The grumbling I'm talking about, though, came from folks complaining that Mulder got to do all the cool stuff while Scully sat in the lab. Excuse me? She identified the carbon multiplying in Skinner's blood and determined why it was acting as a poison. I'll bet he and his arms were very glad she stayed in the lab instead of running through parking lots chasing cars. (Just a note, folks: your average car goes faster than your average human.)

I think we sometimes forget why "She Blinded Me With Science" is one of the Order's most precious hymns. I know it's easy to get caught up in the phyiscal strength of Our Lady of Short Stature. (BTW, I'll be teaching the PornoNurse!Kicking class again this spring. Sign up sheet's in the Rec Room.) However, we must recall that "kicking butt" is not limited to mere physical displays. I've compiled a short list of a few examples Saint Scully's fearsome displays of scientific butt-kicking:

cadeuc4.gif (287 bytes)End Game
Scully isolates a retrovirus and prescribes a course of treatment that saves Mulder's life. Does it really matter that she didn't ride a submarine bareback?

cadeuc4.gif (287 bytes)Herrenvolk
Scully discovers that everyone who received a smallpox vaccination also got injected with a protein that allows them to be catalogued, at the same time missing the opportunity to get stung by bees. Unfortunately, her luck with bees will eventually run out.

cadeuc4.gif (287 bytes)Tunguska/Terma
Scully identifies a lethal biotoxin and connects it to severals deaths around the country. See, she does the *important* stuff, and she doesn't have to go diving under Russian fences or get infected with said biotoxin to do it.

cadeuc4.gif (287 bytes)Redux
Scully, though dying, works to prove her cancer is related to a virus found in the organism discovered in the ice. She does this knowing without hope of being cured -- just to prove what was done to her.

cadeuc4.gif (287 bytes)The Beginning
Scully is able to show a genetic link between the oilean virus, a razor-sharp claw from one of those cranky newborns, Gibson and inactive DNA in all of us. Whew, and you thought you worked hard at your job. Just don't ask me why we haven't heard of this since then, okay?

cadeuc4.gif (287 bytes)Drive
Scully examines the victims, puts the morgue under quarantine, and advances theories about the cause of Crump's condition. She doesn't get to drive, but really, would you want to put up with Crump's attitude?

And to me, all of these are even more impressive than the Action!Scully sequence in Leonard Betts. Let us not forget to appreciate The Blessed One's amazing scientific abilities as well as her physical abilities.

Tarot ReadingI

Greetings All! It is I, Sister Moonflower, here to give a tarot reading in honor of The Blessed One's birthday this month on February 23. So that I may have the proper clarity to read the cards, I spent the evening in a circle of lit candles, meditating upon the image of Our Saint in the Holy Chinga Baby Tee. Hey, it may not be a spiritual exercise to you, but it rose my level of enlightenment quite a bit.


For St. Scully's birthday reading, I'm opting for the five-card reading, which is used to divine an answer to a specific question. I'm using another Tarot deck that I developed, one which has given me a lot of insight not only into the mind of The Blessed One, but also into her closet. Today's reading will be performed with the Scullywear Tarot.

I opted for the question on every OBSSE member's mind this Valentine season:

Will St. Scully's love life improve in this coming year?

Card 1Card 1: This card represents the Question itself.

Second Season Hair (Major Arcana): Chaos. A jumble of opinions. Hair all flipping the wrong way, which is usually indicative of:  a) a severely misguided hairstylist, or b) a question in which the answer cannot please everyone.

Card 2Card 2: This card represents the Background of the Question

Ten of Zippered Pantsuits: loneliness. Ill-fitting social life. Too many nights alone with a carton of ice cream. The Zippered Pantsuit indicates disapproval of outside forces.

Card 3Card 3: This card represents the Seeker

Ace of Grey Button-down Sweaters: Strength tempered with intelligence. Moral fortitude. Versatility--can be worn alone or with a shirt underneath. Compassion--the Seeker is kind enough to wear a sweater which looks so fetching.

Card 4Card 4: This card represents the Environment surrounding the question--how outside forces will react to the answer

Four of Sig Sauers, reversed: Secrecy. Covert locations. Hiding from authority. Backseat of an Oldsmobile Intrigue?

Card 5Card 5: The Answer

Black Satin Push Up Bra: Indicates a need to bust out of confinements.Walk on the wild side. Have a date and don't wear pantyhose.

Combining all the elements of the reading, I forsee that St. Scully will indeed be blessed with a remarkable love life in the coming year. I attempted to read the tea leaves to see with whom St. Scully will be merrily frolicking, but then I remembered--I don't drink tea.

Besides, I can't tell you everything. I'm a Spoiler Virgin.

Ask Autumn
by Sister Autumn T.

This is the column that almost wasn't. A very bad thing happened to me this past month (I blame Mulder)--I lost my entire mailbox. This means that if some of you out there wrote me letters hoping to partake in my sage advice and don't see the answers here, it's because they were eaten by the punkish gods. Still, as you can see, I did manage to find a few people to abuse - uh - I mean assist this month. If you need advice on All Things Scully, write to me at Ask Sister Autumn, and I'll do what I can to bring you to your senses.

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Oh Wise, All XF-Knowing Demure One, whose brains and knowledge would make The Blessed One proud,

Two things, really. The first being that I am troubled that we call Spender, Spudner. (*typing faster*) It's *not* that I *like* Spender, it's that I have much more respect for potatoes than that. And I would like to point out that The X-Files leads the way in this matter. Potato references abound, not the least of which being an episode entitled "Small Potatoes." (I may also point out that I have a cat named 'Tater' after this episode, and the thought that his name in any way ties him to Weasel Boy - as The Saint has called him - makes me ill.) Could this nickname possibly be reconsidered? It would save on supplies in the Abbey infirmary, too, since I am there at least twice a week distraughtly bemoaning the nickname.

Secondly, um, *exactly* how much of a sin is it to like the show, Ally McBeal? I mean, I try to be like TBO, I hold only Her up as my model and guide. I have only pictures of the TBO up in my room (well, a couple have her sidekick in them too), and I feel I truly have many things in common with TBO. But, St. Scully help me, there are times when my thoughts run along a much more Ally-type-line. Perhaps this is because TBO never seems to make those common little slip ups and mistakes that unfortunately plague the rest of us (well, possibly not you, Oh Demure One), nor does she seem to mind her state of general aloneness. I swear, I would never *try* to be like Ally, it just feels as though I am at times (in a few small ways). So is it so wrong to seek a little solace in these matters which TBO is above?

Thank you for your guidance in this matter,
Sister Anya

Dear Ally,

Firstly, did anyone ever tell you it was I that nicknamed Spender "Spudner"? I thought not. My advice: rename your cat.

Secondly, a big sin.

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Oh-Great-She-whose-Demureness-is-outshone-only-by-the-Saintlyness-of-Scully- and-then-not-by-much:

I find myself in turmoil of late. It is a deep turmoil, over issues of character and patience. You see, Oh She of the Original Trout Possession, when I, in my youth and innocence, stumbled across the Abbey so many months ago, I realized it was a reverent place, a place where the Elders are held high and membership is prized. In my efforts to become worthy, I found Amyzon's Holy Info Page and FAQ. I studied this piece of work and subbed to the Mailing List. There I, in the grand tradition of many before me as well as of those to follow, lurked for many a post. I trained in the ways of putting OB in the header. I diligently attempted to discern between on- and off- topic. I realized some in-jokes just aren't meant to *be* understood. They are mysteries. Gradually, as The RevMa saw fit to admit me and I started to get a clue about the ML, I posted. The rest, as we all know, is a relatively happy, if at times silly, story.

Was all my effort for naught?

Events of late would seem to indicate that such a level of dedication, while personally rewarding, may not be necessary. I humbly await the emergence of B. Pilgrim and his Flaming Sword(tm) to prove otherwise ...

Puzzled and feeling, perhaps, a little pissy
Sister Sassejenn

Dearest Jenn,

My, my, a letter after my own heart combining both sucking up and an important topic. Dear, your effort was not for naught. While the OBSSE is an open and loving community, the way to Sister Autumn's heart is not to run screaming into the middle of the Abbey rec-room during evening vespers when we are all watching the wet leg kick scene from "Chinga" with reverent and rapt attention and yell at the top of your lungs "I'm new here and cannot be bothered to read the non-moviewording rules. Pay attention to me me me. Answer my questions now. You people are all mean and stupid, especially you "elders". I don't care if I'm offtopic and insulting. I WANT ATTENTION NOW!!!!!! Can someone do my homework for me? What is UST? Did I mention that in my history class I doodled a picture of Scully on my arm? Is that cool or what? I had hair like her in 3rd grade. It's different now that I'm much more mature. I don't understand the trout. WHY WON'T YOU ANSWER MY QUESTIONS! Scully ROX! sisTer iDjit"

Lurk, learn, and post responsibly. And believe me, the trout is preferable to the Flaming Sword (TM). It may leave a fishy smell, but it will not scar you for life.

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Dear Sister Autumn, who is the only person who could possibly answer this question for me, seeing as how you are so wise in the Ways of Scully,

I have this question, and it's been bothering me for quite some time now. In fact, I lie awake every night and ponder it--it's *that* important. If you can give me the answer, I know I'll finally have a lock on St. Scully's personality, motivations, likes and dislikes, the things that make her coo, et cetera.

If St. Scully were house paint, would she be flat or glossy?

Scratching her head in wonder,

Dear Princess,

I will refrain from commenting on how paint fumes may have provoked this question. However, it is no wonder you are up late pondering when both options you have are wrong. First, we all know now that Scully has entered into what I personally like to call "The Wonder Years." As such, we cannot refer to her as "flat." And despite the fact that she's looking more glamorous than ever, "glossy" is still too false. Except in "Teliko." I think she might have been glossy in that episode. The real answer here is "semi-gloss" You may now sleep.

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Dear Sister Autumn,

I recently heard of the loss of your mailbox. Wow! No backups, huh? After "The Beginning," you decided that if Scully didn't believe in redundancy neither did you, eh? Oh well, anyway, I was wondering if the Kitchen Crew had disbanded. I went down to the kitchen the other day, potato peeler in hand, ready to suggest a -- er, um -- a field trip to LA. Perhaps we could help 1013 see that Scully really wanted to solve a few mysteries: where the rest of the Emilies went, how Gibson and Mr. Alien are doing, what happened to that cool nameplate. But no one was there! When a quick tour of the Abbey turned up none of our more strident members, I lost hope. Where have they all gone? And why didn't they take me?

Combat boots on and no place to go,

nuqneH Dahlak,

I hope you appreciate the fact that I bothered to greet you in your native tongue. Ahem. Dahlak, I thought I already explained that the mailbox thing was *Mulder's* fault. Not my own. I mean, sure I had a backup. It was just 10 months old.

Anyway, about the kitchen. They're all still there, in fact I had to yank them back by their wimples recently when the Abbey was about to explode over what had become known as "the lost capri pants." Problem is, they are sort of hiding. You see, a Sister who shall remain nameless seems to think that putting a strainer on her head somehow qualifies her for the rigors of kitchen duty. Our fellow "rough and tumble" Sisters, as to not hurt feelings, felt it was better to hide than laugh in her face. Still, I do think you may be right. Now may be the time. If Chris Carter thinks "Full Disclosure" means everything, we did not want to I know about a bunch of old geezers and the Punk while The Blessed One and her more important concerns are left by the wayside. I say we send him a very special "hello" from all of us in the Abbey.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Hmm...seems to me the Rogues have been more than a little active lately. Me thinks the game is afoot. I bet if you ask nicely on the mailing list about any new Rogue OBSSE sightings, a little Rogue bird will send a missive your way....

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Dear She who knows all things Scully and Co-hostess of the event of the year (also known as OBSSE Fest 99),

I'm in desperate need of your advice. As you already know, my wonderful, loving significant other has offered to pay for my trip to Fest as this year's Christmas present.

I would like nothing better than to have him tag along to this function, but he has his doubts. You see, he doesn't really like the X-Files. Not really. He watches it with me, mainly because he knows it makes me happy. He's an easygoing guy for the most part. However, sometimes he takes the Punk's side over TBOs. These are tense moments in our relationship, but then I think of St. Scully and I just give him an enigmatic smile and forgive him, for he knows not what he does. (That and the fact that he makes THE best Margarita's you've EVER tasted.)

Anywho, coming to the point of all this. He's concerned that if he comes along he'll put a cramp in our style and be bored to boot. So, should I encourage him or discourage him from coming?

Yours in St. Scully,

Sister Sonya

Dear Sonya,

He sounds like a really great generous guy.... but... despite the margarita skills, which as you know do count for something in my book, I have a couple of concerns. First, OBSSEFest is just about as freaking Scullycentric as you can get. To the point of usually scaring the staff at the venue. I mean last year we staged a costumed trial over a missing action figure. Hello?? Second, we are limited in how many can attend the event, and I suspect we will fill up very quickly - meaning, if you think it's not his cup of tea, then you should probably give his slot to someone else. Believe me, he will probably be sick enough of us just by hearing you babble on about it afterwards without actually attending himself. He's welcome, of course, but it is definitely Abbey immersion to the extreme. Why not let him go do some punky thing with his friends that you would normally give him "the look" for while you frolic freely in Winter Park?

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Dear Sister Autumn, Oh Wise Wordsmith of the World Wide Web,

Hello, Brother RJ again. No, I don't have a problem this time as things are generally going good for me. I have been practicing my Scullyist Mantra of "Scully is a Bronco fan," bought up some discounted Blessed One Action Icons at WalMart for $5 each (silly, silly WallyWorld Workers discounting our Fav Fearless Forensic Fed!), and have been doing my part to calm the Great X-Phile Schism of Season 6. (Peace, my Phellow Philes! Even bad X-Files eps are better then 91.9% of the crap on TV) Everything is just darn Scullyriffic! Which brings me to my question for your astute analysis:

Last Sunday night, with 2 VCRs recording the "Adventures of the Blessed One (and That Other Guy)" I did some socializing with old friends. Since I got home late, I checked the tapes and yes, they had done their job. Contented, I went to bed with plans to watch them the following evening. BUT.... after a brief awakening at 6:02, I HAD A VISION of HER!!! The Blessed One Herself! No, it wasn't THAT kind of Dream, but one with this humble servant involved on an actual X-File case with The Blessed One!!

Seems I found myself in a room with Agent Scully and that Other Guy playing around with some display models and figures. Then SHE holds up one of the Scully Action Icons and orders me to "Kiss it! Kiss it!." To which, of course I did. Then, we were alerted to the fact we were all in A.D. Skinner's office and he was fast approaching. Getting Agent Scully out a side door at risk to my own safety while that Other Guy just panicked, I hid behind the front door, which Skinner opened ordering That Other Guy to freeze. I then quickly snuck around the open door and ducked into the neighboring utility closet. Then after Skinner dragged That Other Guy down the hall in handcuffs, I zipped down the hallway into a hospital setting, due to the number of medical personnel, which included this gangly surfer dude type character pushing a laundry cart. I suspected something, stopped him, and discovered a GIANT BOMB in the cart! Alerting everyone to evacuate, I tried disarming the bomb, but when it got down to half a minute, I ran into a nearby restroom, ran to the furthest stall, ducked and covered, and was soon enveloped in a cloud of dust and debris. Recovering, I soon found myself in the professional company of The Blessed One trying to solve the case of who the surfer dude guy was. Then, the "professional company" we were sharing turned....somewhat affectionate as SHE rubbed my hands and doted on my humble self. Then my stupid alarm went off.

My question for you, oh wise Sage of Sensible Scullyisms, is "WHAT DID IT MEAN?" I have consulted numerous Dream Analysis books and find nothing about Kissing Action Icons, exploding laundry carts, or hand rubbing. I do admit to consuming several slices of pepperoni before going to sleep, but how could mere spicy food behold such an amazing, action-packed, and entertaining dreamplot?


Brother RJ

Sigh. RJ? Are you the one they were talking about when they invented the phrase "to make a short story long?" I thought so.

As for the dream, well, despite the obvious fact that you are spending far too much time trying to give one of your action figures a little action of another kind (remember RJ, that suit DOES NOT come off), it all seems pretty obvious to me. You're afraid Chris Carter is going to unleash a big Muldercentric bomb on us, and you want to be the one to save us-- and Scully-- from that hellish hour.

Unfortunately, there really is not anything one more than slightly unbalanced Brother can do about that distinct possibility, and I for one am thankful in this instance that Our Dear Doctor Dana was "saved by the bell".

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Oh Demure One, upon whom Her Pantsuitedness bestows her blessed kiss in lieu of him-that-is-too-damned-ugly:

I have a roommate who is lovely in nearly all respects, but who nonetheless is enormously flawed in one important respect: she does not admit to liking X-Files. Moreover, her stance on TBO is that she is a cold, melodramatic character, and poorly rendered by the Earthly Incarnation.

Now we all know that this is a load of trout hooey. My roommate likes X- Files as much as anybody else on campus, and would know this if she would surrender her original position that it is just another scifi show. I cite as evidence the fact that she reminds me at about 8:30 every Sunday that it's almost X-Files time (as if I need reminding), and that whenever we congregate for some sacred viewing time, she invariably joins us, albeit grumbling bitterly.

We were making progress. We really were. Gradually, she was beginning to open herself to the light of TBO. But then catastrophe struck - she began dating somebody who cannot abide XF, and he has drawn her back into darkness. Their shared dislike - his genuine, hers assumed - has become a point of solidarity. We fear we are losing her.

Now, I know how bad this looks, for her and me both. I promise you, though, that she can be saved, if only she will let herself. The signs are good. She has conceded that Scully is a thousand times cooler than any prancy entomologist. She collects stuffed penguins. Her heart is in the right place.

Please, oh Demure One, advise me - how do I bring her back to the fold?


Sister FortunateOne


I'm going to tell you a little secret. Not everyone deserves to be a Scullyist. You tell me her heart is in the right place, but then this is the same heart which used words (I might add conflicting words) like "cold" and "melodramatic." Anyone who could find The Earthly Incarnation's depiction of The Blessed One "poorly rendered" frankly deserves to be locked out of the Abbey in 30 below weather just so they can catch a clue as to what cold actually means. We don't need to actively recruit here. People, smart people, see the light every single day. Collecting penguins does not a Sister make. Plus, any woman who would forsake her own true beliefs for whatever the punk-o-the-month is saying certainly would never really understand what makes The Blessed Bearer of the Remission Chip special to all of us. Toss her back in the pond, and move on.

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Sister Autumn who is very good and knowing in the way of TBO and has vast knowledge of the universe (was that good?):

Okay, here I am sick, and I suddenly remember what happened this summer. I saw a bunch of flashing lights in the sky hovering over the middle of nowhere in PA. I was dumbfounded. I, of course, know that it wasn't a UFO, but my friend insists that it was. What am I to do? I have no logical explanations, for there were no clouds for lasers to bounce off of ( it was the middle of the night), too high for a kite, andtoo low for a plane. I need some logical answer! help! Plus I am having a fight with a weird mulderist and I want to break their neck. What do I do? I am having trouble remembering to say "Whatever extreme cases I have encountered I have always viewed through the lens of science." Could you shorten that up?

Simple Novice Care

Dear Care,

A few quick things. First, there is no need to use the word "weird" in front of a Mulderist. It is redundant. Second, we do not "shorten" the wisdom of Her Pantsuitedness. Ever. If you need something short to think, just try "Hoo-boy" instead. However, most of us have no problem with the entire monologues from "Memento Mori" or the keychain speech from "Max." Just FYI.

As for what you saw, that's easy: Swamp gas.

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Dear Sister Autumn,

Let's say, for the sake of argument, that someone wrote a fanfiction story in which the Archer of the Mighty Eyebrow does something reprehensible -- and it's not meant in a humorous way. Would this hypothetical person be doomed to OBSSE Hell for making Our Fair Saint icky? Would any amount of penance be enough?

Just hypothetically, of course,
Dahlak (again...)

Dear Hypothetical One,

Question 1: Yes

Question 2: No

Report for your trouting immediately.

Poll Results:
Therefore Be It Resolved...
by Sister Paula R.

New Year's, as we all know, is a time for resolutions, and last month we asked our readers what they thought St. Scully would add to her own list. The entries were quite amusing as well as amazing, but personally, I think Gretchen sensibly nailed it with the following: "No matter how much the punk tries to persuade, if the words "demon fetal harvest" come out of his mouth, find the nearest exit and run. Run far away." Read on for more worthwhile, Scullyistic resolutions:

check.gif (139 bytes)Sister-to-be-in-the-future-Miriam:
"The next time Mulder ditches me, instead of covering his PUNKass and getting myself into deep legal trouble and professional embarrassment, I will take the money that would be used for bail (mine or his) or international rescue attempts and go to Tahiti. And not tell him."

check.gif (139 bytes)Sister Beer:
"I'm going to call in a feng-shui expert to find the correct place for my refrigerator."

check.gif (139 bytes)Brother Paul Wartenberg:
"I, Dana Scully, do hereby resolve to flirt with Mulder only so much as to tease his imagination, all the while maintaining a strict professional working relationship with him. That way, the gradual hormonal imbalance in his system will finally give him a perfectly innocent-looking heart attack, and I won't get blamed for it."

check.gif (139 bytes)Alex Scully:
"That one little phrase pretty much sums up all of it, but here's one to add to the list. 'I'm going to start slapping him until he gets the point.' "

check.gif (139 bytes)Sister Special Pants:
"I will wear a tracksuit to work and remember to bring my portable virology lab with me everywhere."

check.gif (139 bytes)Sister Rokken Robin, Metal Priestess
"Smack my son-of-a-DITCHing partner upside the head when necessary. And occasionally when not necessary, but it simply seems like a good idea at the time."

check.gif (139 bytes)Sister DayKayS:
"If Mulder asks me to do something..... *twice*, I promise to remember to say no... *twice*."

check.gif (139 bytes)Sister skeptic78:
"Three words: cell phone independence."

check.gif (139 bytes)Leslie Green:
"I resolve to stop letting Mulder rescue me from every life-endangering situation, to stay OUT of the damn hospital, to keep Mulder OUT of the damn hospital, and to get that thing I always wanted... what was it called? Oh yeah - a life."

check.gif (139 bytes)Gretchen:
"No matter how much the punk tries to persuade, if the words "demon fetal harvest" come out of his mouth, find the nearest exit and run. Run far away."

check.gif (139 bytes)Sister Julia
"Call the barbershop and use FBI influence to make sure Mulder can never get an appointment until the catastrophe known as his hair has grown out."

There's No Place Like Home!
by Sister Paula R.

Rob and Laura???For this month's poll, close your eyes, and think to yourself, "There's no place like home." Oh, come on! Do it for Mulder and Scully! I mean, by the look of this picture, they aren't in Kansas anymore.

After you've done that, go ahead and write us a caption for this photo. For example, St. Scully might just be thinking, "That's it. For your next birthday, I really *will* buy you a utility belt."

The caption I'd write for this photo would be:

Your Name: 



Your E-Mail: 

Are you an OBSSE Member? Yes No

The caption I'd write for this photo would be:

FanFic Picks

This month I've got a few new stories from old friends and a couple of new authors to recommend. If you love Scully and enjoy fanfic, then you are no doubt very familiar with Jill Selby's work. Well, she's got a few new stories on her website to read while you wait patiently for her to finish her wonderful work in progress. Be sure and check out the haunting "Every Mother's Child" . Shalimar also has finished her epic tale "Five Years & One Night" much to my delight. And Justin Glasser has delivered a very interesting take on what really happened in Antarctica in "Certitude". Remember, if you've got recommendations, please email them to me at

Danielle Dupre'
Danielle's stories tend to feature Scully doing the things we wish she would do. For instance "Adore" has Scully explaining to Mulder that indeed the world does not revolve around him. Wish Scully could have a night out laughing and drinking with friends? Try "GirlTalk". However, I think I am most fond of the first thing of hers I read way back when. It started out as a post "The Field Where I Died" piece and turned into something much more: "Fumbling Towards Ecstacy". All her fanfic can be found at this website .

Raquel Montoya
This is an author who has literally made me wait years to do a recommendation. I've stumbled across "1000 Rainy Days" in various forms of completion for three years now. I always got sucked in and then was saddened to realize it still was not finished. Now it is. This one is for you Psychic!Scully lovers. All of her fanfic can be found on her website.

Maureen B. Ochs
Maureen has a way with short stories that capture a moment in time. In one case, that moment is something Scully thinks is the "Worst" assignment they've ever had. For a moment of introspection when Scully ponders life and a suit, see what is going on in her head in "Room 312" . To read more of Maureen's work, try this website.

Member Musings
by Sister Lens-of-Science

Each month, we spotlight a few of our new OBSSE Brothers and Sisters. Occassionally, when we feel like it, we also include poems, tidbits, and other items the Sisters and Brothers share with us. That's what we felt like doing this month. We hope you enjoy.

hearts1.gif (823 bytes)Sister Leah shares her calling:
"When I was in college, before I discovered the wonderful world of mailing lists and the Usenet, a friend and I were making hand puppets for our presentation on "The Canterbury Tales." During this same time period, the same woman and I were also engaged in watching the first three seasons of TXF over the course of five days. One day, jazzed on Peeps and Classic Coke, and playing with our Canterbury Tales puppets, we began enacting X-Files episodes. I realized that I was completely Scully-centric when I: a) demanded only I could be Scully, and b) changed many first season episodes so that it was Scully kicking Mulder in the head instead of jack-booted government thugs. (It was a very satisfying game.)"

(Editor's Note: "Classic" Coke? Hold me.)

hearts1.gif (823 bytes)Sister F, Mermaid explains rationally:
"I think I would be a good member because I'm honest, dependable, have good fashion sense, and have red hair. And doggone it, people like me."

hearts1.gif (823 bytes)From Sister Driver8:
"Dana Scully is my idol. Her adherence to the scientific natural order is very comforting to my belief in the importance of the intellectual process. I am a hospital administrator with responsibilities for medical staff issues, so I have an interest in Dr. Scully's medical background. My daily uniform is a black suit (90% pants, 10% skirts). And I am dying to know what DS uses to keep her hair glued in place when even FM's tie is blown over his shoulder on windy days."

hearts1.gif (823 bytes)From Sister Jean Robinson:
"I became a worshipper of TBO after I realized that a whole bunch of things that had happened to me also had significance in Her life. I'm still looking for a SRE for it; there must be one. Here's my sort-of-brief comparison bio between myself and TBO:
1. Born the same year
2. My military dad was also in the Cuban Missile Crisis
3. Was given a gold cross (years before the show) that is also the only
jewelry I wear
4. Due to minor surgery, I have a scar on the back of my neck that looks like... well, you can guess what it looks like, right? There are other similiarities, but that's plenty. And the differences between us are vast, too; the most obvious being that if I wore TBO's traditional 3-inch footwear, I'd be 2 inches above the Punk's eye level. Not that that would be a bad thing, of course. Might make him nervous, at any rate."

hearts1.gif (823 bytes)A Mid-Season 6 Prayer
by Sister Sassejenn

Our Scully, who art in DC,
Rational be thy name.
Next week's show come,
May X-Philes run,
To see some desired darkness.
Give us this day our daily Angst,
And forgive us our PUNKlust
As we forgive those who write too much humor.
Lead us not into abductions,
But deliver us from Wizard of Oz references.
For thine is the Scalpel, and the Eyebrow, and the SRE forever,

hearts1.gif (823 bytes)And in the spirit of Valentine's Day, Sister Adrianne shares:
Because the moments in which I have been struck dumb by the glory of her Pantsuitedness are far too numerous to recall, I shall praise our Saint in verse, as follows:

How do I love St. Scully? Let me count the ways.
I love her when gun is aimed at Skinner
Or when she's wearing lace, and having dinner.
I love her when her trenchcoat is a' flappin'
And when she shouts: "Pick up that phone and make it happen!"
I love her when she draws a bath for Kevin.
I've loved her since that first meeting with Chief Blevins.
I loved her when she said: "He was my father."
And also when she sighed:"Why do I bother?"
I love her when she's getting some ink done.
Or when she spends a night at home, cleaning her gun.
I love each time she says: "Mulder, it's me"
Or when she's making quips 'bout monkey pee
For this, St. Scully, prizes, all, to thee.

by Sister Lauren
arm.gif (454 bytes)

EDITOR'S NOTE: From time to time a post or two will cross my desk (Okay, it actually appears as an email on the OBSSE mailing list in my in-box, but can't a girl even fantasize about a desk????) that really catches my eye. The following is a case in point. Given the OBSSE poll results displayed above, we thought Sister Lauren's letter to St. Scully regarding her New Year's resolution might be fun to share.

Dear St. Scully,

I wanted to write and tell you how much I appreciated your help with my New Year's Resolution. Taking that first step to get in shape is hard, and it helps to have the advice of a fitness diva like yourself.

I got the treadmill set up finally. I know you advised me to put it  in a deserted, poorly lit alley ("Get your heart rate up," I believe you said); however, I chose to put it in my living room in close proximity to the television. With the treadmill right there, I find it much easier to watch your fitness instruction video, "Sweatin' With St. Scully". All this time I was confused and thought the video was called "Never Again"--silly me.

I never realized how important it was to choose the right workout wear. Lycra and spandex are nice, but nothing says "Get your ass in gear!" like Donna Karan. I'm saving the Armani for when I progress from a walk to a jog. I've also carefully selected the proper footwear--pumps with one-inch heels seem appropriate for a beginner. In a few weeks I'll go a little higher, but I don't want to push myself. I'm sure even you started with flats.

I have to confess, I had a small accident while on the treadmill today. I was brandishing my weapon at the cardboard cutout of Luis Cardinal that I've placed in front of the treadmill, and I slipped. Went sliding off the back. I had to do a reverse SD&R (Stop, Drop, and Roll) to avoid serious injury. St. Scully, you make it look so easy--how *do* you do that without messing up your hair?

Well, I've prattled enough. I just wanted to thank you again. I wish I could help you with your New Year's Resolution, but I just don't know where to find leather handcuffs and tequila-based massage oil. You might try asking the RevMa, she knows about those sorts of things.


PS: Actually, I lied. I watched One Breath, not Never Again while on the treadmill--CSM makes it very hard to keep my other resolution.

by Sister Kara (aka Zod)


That's all for this month, folks! Special thanks go, as always, to our Elder of the Newsletter Sister Paula R. for putting this issue together, Sister La..Dee..Da.. for all of her fine graphic work, and to all our writers and contributors. See you again in March 1999! "News for the OBSSEsed"/OBSSE is copyright 1997-99 by Nancy Cotton. Hugs and Kisses everyone! :-)