I have a confession to make. Don't hate me because I have erred in our quest to emulate all that is saintly and brow-flexible. Do not despise me because I have wandered into the feralities of flowbiedom. I have come to you, my caring and nurturing Scullyists, to beg your forgiveness and to seek redemption for my sins. And to drink beer, but that is irrelevant at this time.

I miss Mulder.

It's shocking, I know. But I am at the point where I would willingly endure a root canal, go through labor, pass a kidney stone, or give up chocolate if any of these horrors would guarantee the return of the monotoned marvel. I'm sure the pathos of this situation is evident to you all, since Season Eight hasn't even premiered here yet. It is truly a sad state of affairs. It's even worse than that thing with your president.

Fear not, however; I have been proactive in my misery. The training I received as a novice nun has stood me in good stead, and helped me to be pragmatic and introspective in regard to one aspect of Mulder's return. Is Mulder ready to make a commitment to Scully and Junior? Is he really at the point in his life where a HumVee would be emotionally fulfilling? Is he prepared to give up his quest (what was it again?) to change poopy diapers in the interests of spousal equality? I recently made it my mission to find out.

Of course, I required some professional assistance during my investigation. Luckily for me, I came across an online relationships advice column, which featured a compatibility test entitled "Ready for Love?" (and I found it by complete coincidence, I should hasten to point out). Pouncing on this heaven-sent opportunity, I quickly donned my Scully persona and took the test on behalf of our saint, since I'm sure it's exactly the sort of thing she would do. The results are intriguing. 

1. My partner lies to me. (True/False)
Gee, we're going to have to think real hard about this one. Could somebody please let me know when they've compiled a complete, accurate list of Mulder Lies? I need some new toilet paper.

2. My partner uses illegal drugs. (True/False)
Do alien virus antidotes, cunningly referred to as vaccines by those who don't know any better, count as illegal drugs? I'm fairly sure they're non-prescription.

3. My partner was burned by a previous relationship and can't seem to let it go. (True/False)
Teehee. Burned. Get it?

4. My partner drinks excessively. (True/False)
Well, there was that time when Scully announced that she was deserting Mulder. Then Mulder ran off to a bar, gave the clueless audience members a very subtle run-down on X-Files history, and downed far too many shots. He was then contacted by a box-office-draw informant, and peed on an Independence Day poster before going home to view Man Pain Barbecue pictures. I would say that's a True.

5. My partner keeps secrets from me. (True/False)             
Well he's dying, and has already had a headstone installed without feeling the need to give Scully even a hint about the funeral arrangements. Sorry Mulder, you flunk this one too.

6. My partner has a problem trusting others. (True/False)     
You think?

7. My partner is suspicious of me. (True/False)
True. Oh sure, he trusts her now. But remember that thing where Scully was ordered to spy on Mulder, debunk his work, shut him down and destroy the entire meaning of his life? Yeah. I think he suspected something was up.

8. My partner is too possessive of me. (True/False)              
I prefer to think of it as protective rather than possessive. I'm sure he rests his hand on her back just to make sure no slugs get in. It's really very considerate when you think about it.      

9. My partner is in trouble with the law. (True/False)              
True. Assuming that having a ring of FBI conspirators attempting to kill you qualifies as being in trouble with the law.

10. My partner has been married and divorced more than once. (True/False) 
There's a thought. Who knows, right? There could be two rings. <cue spooky music>

11. My partner spends too much time with his or her toys or hobbies. (True/False) 
I think this is another foregone conclusion. The current total of Mulder porn references stands at 16.

12. My partner has a good relationship with his mother. (True/False)
He may have had a good relationship with her in the womb, if that counts. Otherwise, it was less than ideal. Especially the part where she killed herself because he didn't return her phone call.

13. My partner has a good relationship with his father. (True/False)
That depends on which father we're talking about. If it's the one that betrayed his family and traded his daughter to the aliens, then no. If it's the one who's currently attempting to wipe out the entire human population, then no.

14. My partner has a lot of enemies. (True/False)
Just the people that want him day-ud. That's not many, right?

15. My partner thinks that many people are out to get him or her. (True/False)
<snicker>

16. I am concerned that what my partner experienced or observed growing up will affect his or her ability to form a relationship with me. (True/False)
Oh, definitely not! Witnessing his sister's abduction by aliens (and then holding himself responsible for it for twenty-five years) shouldn't be a problem, especially considering that Scully's taken on a similar role in his life.

17. My partner becomes defensive when I try to describe what he or she did that upset me. (True/False)
Nah. Not unless Scully's making it personal.

18. My partner has a serious mental illness that is not under control. (True/False)
I guess we'll just have to wait and see, won't we? Assuming that having one's brain affected by alien DNA falls into this category...

19. My partner breaks appointments with me at the last minute. (True/False)
How very diplomatic. Is that what they're calling DITCHING nowadays?

20. My partner is willing to accept my opinion even if it differs from his or hers. (True/False)
I quote: "Scully, in six years, how ... how often have I been wrong? No, seriously. I mean, every time I bring you a new case we go through this perfunctory dance. You tell me I'm not being scientifically rigorous and that I'm off my nut, and then in the end who turns out to be right like 98.9% of the time? I just think I've...earned the benefit of the doubt here." We find the defendant guilty, your honor. And an asshole, at that.

It pains me to say it, but it appears that Mulder is not marriage material. And that's not even taking into account questions like "My partner hunts UFOs for a living," "My partner has been indirectly responsible for the death of my sister," and "My partner's work has resulted in the harvesting of my ova." Believe me, shippers, I'm as devastated as any of you, but the facts must be faced. Look on the bright side, though -- Scully's got Doggett to take care of her. And he's a big strong manly man who will keep her in line for many, many seasons to come.

<gulp>

On second thought, maybe ova are overrated. 
   
 
It May Be Time to Think of a London Vacation               
...as the perfect way to combat the upcoming actor's strike. Gillian is in talks now about hitting the boards at the historic Old Vic theatre in London in a production of Sam Shepard's play Fool For Love. The thought of this woman taking on the role of May just makes me all atingle. It will also make me cash in the frequent flier miles without a second thought.      

Giving the gift of music
...is the inspiration behind Buskaid. Those folks who attended the NF benefit in December may recall Gillian discussing a new charity that she was involved in that helps young African musicians. Gillian has been instrumental, so to speak, in helping with concerts of the group scheduled in April in Los Angeles. Right now there is a Royce Hall (UCLA campus) date scheduled for April 9. Stay tuned to GAWS for more information.

It's that time of year again
...and the annual awards rush is on. Many fans were disappointed and puzzled when Gillian Anderson did not gain a nomination for House of Mirth at the Golden Globes, but the real reason for this might lay squarely at the feet of the brass at Sony Classic Pictures who appear to have neglected to schedule screenings in time for the Hollywood Foreign Press to have the option of nominating it. They're now busy making up for it with full page "For Your Consideration" ads in the local Hollywood rags in hopes of garnering Anderson a chance with Oscar.

House of Mirth did, however, make the final cut with the London Film Critics' Circle awards due on February 15th. It was nominated for British Producer of the Year (Olivia Stewart), Actress of the Year (Gillian Anderson), British Director of the Year (Terence Davies) and British Film of the Year.

Gillian was also nominated for a Screen Actor's Guild award for her work this past year on The X-Files. While the competition is tough this year, this two-time winner's nomination was notable in that with nine total nominations over the years it made her the most nominated actress up for any award ever with SAG. Sadly Sony continued to drop the ball on getting any House of Mirth nominations as they neglected to even send out screening copies of the film to the SAG nominating committee. One wonders why they even decided to release the film theatrically at all if the game plan was not to try to cash in on the critical acclaim and buzz the film has received. The SAG awards are March 11th on TNT.

The Season 3 DVDs of The X-Files
...will be available May 8th according to Digital Bits. This selection promises to be even more exciting than the previous two as certain episodes will even include commentary. Darin Morgan is said to be recording a track for Jose Chung's 'From Outer Space' and Rob Bowman is also apparently contributing.

There's one thing you can say about this season
..at least some of it has looked good. The American Society of Cinematographers has recognized Bill Roe with a nomination for it's annual awards for his work in Patience. The winner will be named on February 18th. Corey Kaplan also received a nomination for Without from the Art Directors Guild's annual Excellence in Production Design Awards.

Yet Another New Cast Member to Join X-Files
..and once again 1013 claims she is not a replacement for one of the original leads. Nope, it just looks like they are lining up Annabeth Gish and Robert Patrick to take the NeXt Files into season nine and beyond. Whatever. This quote from Carter sums up nicely his deep understanding of characters and motivation: "She is quite unlike any of the other agents. She has been neither a firm believer nor a major skeptic, either." Spotsy giddily tells us they cast her because Annabeth Gish was someone he'd like to sit next to at a dinner party. Yes, he actually said that. Ookay. Seriously though, we wish Ms. Gish the best. She's a fine actress, and she's in for a bumpy ride. Isn't the basement going to get just a little crowded though? 

The X-Files held a press dog and pony recently
...and trotted out series stars Anderson and Patrick on the soundstage where they shoot. The most amazing thing about the event was not Carter gleefully talking about torturing Mulder (issues with Duchovny much surfer boy?), or him acting as though scripts he had already written were still some mystery, or deferring to Spotnitz as a series expert, or even Gillian Anderson's resigned frustration at not being told who the father of Scully's baby is (why should 1013 start being courteous to its acting talent now in helping them with character motivations since the boys at 1013 are convinced all anyone cares about is their spectacular writing?). 

No, the most amazing thing was the spin 1013 and FOX continue to put on the faltering ratings of the show by pretending they are up when they are, in fact, not. That and the fact that for all practical purposes Chris Carter is holding a 9th season of The X-Files hostage from FOX (who is, despite the faltering ratings, desperate to hold onto a show even in the middle of the pack) in exchange for them treating the new Lone Gunmen series his definition of well. Carter, still petulant about Harsh Realm being yanked so early, wants to make sure he's not labeled as the one-hit wonder that he is. He'd rather be a one-hit-and-its-spinoff wonder.

There was some actual news amidst all this spin besides the fact that neither Carter nor Duchovny have contracts next year and Carter is still planning another X-Files movie (doesn't this all just sound like last year redux?) Anyway, the interesting news was that they plan on wrapping up the first eight seasons and moving forward with a new storyline next year if they come back. That, and the season finale will be two hours.

Speaking of The Lone Gunmen Series
...get ready to be stuck with them and their comedy capers for a while. The X-Files will be leaving the air on February 25th with yet another cliffhanger and we will be treated to episodes of Carter's new baby in its place. Since the network that gives us such things as Temptation Island has been a little nervous about a show about three middle aged geeks, they've upped the babe factor by casting both a handsome new gunman hunk and Laura Croftish gal whom Carter tells us is "stunningly beautiful" to join the bumbling trio. Just in case the audience needs to be distracted from the writing I guess. After three episodes in the X-Files slot the gunmen and their new good-looking pals will move to the Friday night slot that Harsh Realm did so well in. New episodes of The X-Files return in April.

If Fashion Frank spends all his time studying the mytharc
...then can someone please explain to me why 1013 recently had to put a call out to a fan to ask when Scully found out she was barren? You know, for all the time Spotsy spends in interviews insulting the very people who still actually watch the show with his comments such as how we would understand that they had indeed answered questions if we'd been paying more attention and how he's devoted his life to studying the mytharc, this just takes the cake. It must be really so very hard for the writers to remember the contents of an episode that four of them were nominated for an Emmy for. Plus, it was a Gilligan/Shiban/Spotnitz effort in Christmas Carol where it was addressed again. Maybe with all the interesting revelations and events happening off screen on this series they got confused. Study up boys, it's pretty pathetic if you can't remember the major events of what you've devoted your life to. Pretty pathetic indeed.

Season 8 Current Schedule
2/11    8X13 - Medusa
           Writer:  Frank Spotnitz / Director: Richard Compton
2/18    8X08 - Per Manum
           Writers: Chris Carter & Frank Spotnitz / Director: Kim Manners
2/25    8X14 - This Is Not Happening (part 1 of 3)
           Writers: Chris Carter & Frank Spotnitz / Director: Kim Manners
4/01    8X15 - DeadAlive (part 2 of 3)
           Writers: Chris Carter & Frank Spotnitz / Director: Tony Wharmby
4/08    8X18 - Untitled (part 3 of 3)
4/15    8X17 - Untitled
           Writer: Greg Walker / Director: Barry Thomas
4/22    8X16 - Vienen
           Writer: Steve Maeda / Director: Rod Hardy
    

(Or when things get bad, stick to the CHarc)

New Sister Rhiannon proves she is a loyal CHarcist

can't cook, have no sense of direction, and can't carry a tune. On the other hand, I can drink large men under the table, kick ass in those bar trivia games, and identify the name of any X-File episode based solely on Scully's hairstyle.

As does Sister Kelsey who
apparently suffered with Scully last year

Two years ago I walked into my hairdresser's salon and asked her to hack off my down-to-my-butt stick-straight tresses and give me a "Scully-do." I've never gone back. I think her helmet-head look from season 7 was a mistake, but am glad as heck to see her back in the fold with the classic Scully-do in place for season 8!

Perhaps Brother Derrick likes
the CHarc a little too much...

Perhaps it's odd for a married man to say, but Dana Scully represents my ideal: a true model for rationality in an obviously irrational world. She's well educated without coming across as highfalutin, usually modestly elegant, and very professional. 

My wife and friends have accused me of being far too obsessed, and the pictures of my Halloween costume at work prompted a crack that I might have been suffering withdrawal from seeing a certain FBI agent, and so felt prompted to wear her clothes.

  

The X-Files is owned by FOX. No copyright infringement is intended. The OBSSE and News for the OBSSEsed are intended for entertainment purposes only. In other words, it's a joke folks. Thanks to all who contributed this month. All articles and columns appearing in News for the OBSSEsed are copyrighted to the authors.