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Dear Sister of everlasting wisdom and grace who will forgive my deplorable lack of sucking-up ability,

I have been remiss in my sisterly duties. It has been months since I checked the News for the OBSSEsed or visited the Abbey, and halfway through last season even TBO couldn't keep me watching XF on Sunday nights. All that has changed, though. I have been reinvigorated, reinspired, and am properly penitent for my dereliction, deliriously enjoying our beloved Saint's newfound centrality and new partner.

Thus we come to what troubles me. I like John Doggett. Actually, I adore John Doggett. And while this is fine with me, I am somewhat concerned that my fascination with him might detract from my devotion to TBO. I have already wandered off the path of 'Shipperdom--while I still love M/S, I'm now a rabid S/D fan as well--is it possible I might come to love Doggett more than Scully? Or am I just reveling in his non-PUNKishness and enjoying seeing TBO with a partner who almost always treats with dignity and respect? 

(We'll just disregard that unfortunate letting-the-sheriff-treat- him-like-the-senior-agent-just-because-he's-male incident in "Patience.")

Sister Divided

Sister Delusional,

I too like Doggett. However, I think your definition of "like" must vary wildly from mine based on your letter. Where you really start to frighten me is with the term "S/D" which I can only assume refers to some sort of fantasy relationship between Scully and Agent Doggett. Personally the thought of that is just about the scariest thing that has entered my head since I accidentally stumbled upon some Frohike and Byers slashfic. ACK. Obviously you weren't watching most of last season if this is how you are thinking. Perhaps since you have wandered off the OBSSE path you've also completely and utterly forgotten who Scully is. You really think that after seven long years of a complicated dance with Mulder she'd just throw caution to the wind and decide that since she's pregnant with Mulder's child and alone now is a good time to have sex with a partner that she can't even refer to without using the formal "Agent"? Yeah, that sure sounds like Scully. Not. So, she gave the guy a desk. I'm sorry to burst your little bubble, but just because her behavior is compassionate doesn't mean there is any coming or passion. 

Also, I think you've spent perhaps a little too much time listening to the 1013 manly man spin especially if you, as you now say "love" Doggett more than Scully. Doggett may be an honorable guy, but big balls, a mouth full of marbles and an annoying penchant for saying the words "good police work" ad nauseum does not a Saint make. 

Dearest Autumn, who doth serveth as a conduit between OBSSE disciples and divinity, (I mean your close personal friend Gilly grabbed your ass, did she not?), and whose brilliance is nearly unparalleled,

I'm not pregnant, but if I were, would you baptize my child?  Just checking.


I'm not a minister, but if I were, yes.

There's only one thing. Wouldn't dripping a frozen Scullyrita on a kid's head make them cry? Do babies like cheese? Just checking.

Dearest Autumn, whose eloquence, simplicity, and appropriateness of remarks remain an inspiration to all:

I read last November's newsletter with great enjoyment. I, however, was dismayed to discover that I was not as SOG-GY as I could be. All the usual exercises are not helping me progress quickly enough.

I admire greatly the SOG-GYness of our beloved Sister Steph-tacs. She feels legitimized, simply because she has a hyphen in her name, to throw one into anyone else's name as the mood strikes her. This awesome degree may have
influenced her decision to not compliment you at all in the salutation of last letter.

While I don't think I could ever attain her level of mastery, I would like to be competitive at least.  She uses her love of Mary (no hyphen) Chapin Carpenter's music for evil. I must combat this wrongness and be able to come to the aid of TBO (The Blond One) as needed.

Is there anything you can do to help me, Autumn? (Or Au-tumn as she might put it.)



Thank you. I thought no one noticed Steph's SERIOUS breach of Ask Autumn protocol. Frankly, I found it very disturbing. It's not like I'm paid to answer these things. Would it kill her to say something kind? Well, Steph has always been a little off. She is the one that tried to convince the Olympics that shoving three boxes of tictacs in your mouth at once was, indeed, a sport. I think she just wanted a free trip to Australia to see if it was true that their orange tictacs were white.

Wait, did you actually ask me a question? Oh right. I must have gotten distracted by your out of character and inappropriate use of the TBO acronym. What next Marie? Do you also think OBSSE stands for One Blond Singing So Energetically? That when people say CC they mean Chapin Carpenter? That noromos are called such because they don't like the songs Passionate Kisses and Shut Up and Kiss Me? Marie, Steph and her use of hyphens is the least of your problems. I think you need to spend a little more time in the Abbey Chapel and a little less time down at the Twist and Shout.

Dear Autumn,

I have a problem that I would love to address to Scully, but since she's not real, I'll have to make do with whatever scrap of wisdom you choose to impart.

Here's the deal. I've recently been getting nosebleeds while I'm in the bathtub. The nosebleeds are never bad--probably like, three or four drops of blood, tops. And it's always right after I wash my face and right before I rinse the conditioner off my hair. Like, I put the conditioner on, then I wash my face, then I rinse off the conditioner, but before I get to that last step, I get a nosebleed.

So I have two questions. One--is an entire bathtub full of water enough to dilute three or four drops of blood so that it isn't really gross to be bathing in it? Two--how long is too long to leave conditioner in your hair? Seven minutes? Eight? Can you leave conditioner in too long?


Speak of the devil. 

Steph, I'd love to help you but I'm not convinced that A) anyone can or B) that you really want my help. You know, at least RJ knew how to open a letter. Don't make me miss him. Don't you dare.

Well, because I'm feeling benevolent here are my answers:
Yes. For instance, a week would be too long. And it also would not really be an attractive hair style.

Dear Sister Autumn, who knows all this stuff I don't,

Concerned as I am about TBO's impending blessedness, I have decided to show her my devotion as best I can.  Since She Whom We Adore is so busy, what with coping with her new partner, Manly!Guy, and dealing with innumerable plot holes, obviously she doesn't have time to be pregnant. 

So in her honor, I'm having a sympathetic pregnancy. I've bought new clothes (black, with the occasional blue mock turtle or green shirt), all three sizes too large, and am pondering appropriate nursery decor. But I want to know:  What shall I eat? Obviously bee pollen and yogurt don't cut it no more, and Scullyritas are out for the duration. Any ideas?

Sister Nell

Wow Nell, I am delighted to know that someone is acting pregnant. What a noble prospect for you to undertake. Yes, unfortunately the Scullyrita thing is out, but still the virgin ones are quite tasty. Or so I've heard. I certainly would not know first hand. 

What to eat is a difficult prospect since Scully has given no hints this season, nor does it even seem like she's gained an ounce. if I were you I'd eat whatever I wanted and concentrate on having the best possible CHarc, because as we all know here in the Abbey - it's all about the clothes and hair. And I have a feeling once Scully really starts to show that all may go to hell in a handbasket.

If you must eat as the The Blessed One does she certainly did attack that salad with a frenzy in all things, didn't she? And for meat you're always safe with a big old plate of ribs. When you add the ice cream from War of the Coprophages you've got quite a meal there. And not a bee in sight.


For last month's poll we asked our readers what they would do if they could make any show besides The X-Files star Gillian Anderson as Dana Scully. What show would Scully be in and what would she be doing?  Thanks to all who contributed.  Here are some of your suggestions:

Sister Pythia:  I could see her taking over on "The Crocodile Hunter." I mean, after all the various flukemen and giant insects and slugs and whatnot, how hard could it be to dispatch a few crocodiles and poisonous snakes? Crikey!

Willow:  She would be flashed back to 1967 as Emma Peel in "The Avengers"!  She'd be kick boxing in those mini skirts Diana Rigg used to wear....ah, back in the day...

Steph-tacs:  Gillian Anderson as Dana Scully in "FULL HOUSE: The Christmas Reunion."  Yes, that's right, the Tanners reunite for this special primetime event!  Danny, Uncle Jesse, Becky, those twin boys they had (who finally got a haircut, btw--THANK GOD), Uncle Joey, DJ, Stephanie, and of course Michelle join together for holiday love and cheer, but find out that Uncle Joey has a new girlfriend: DANA SCULLY!  (She can't resist that sense of humor or that MULLET)  Things take a turn for the scandalous, though, when Michelle accidentally overhears Uncle Joey and Dana discussing her...PREGNANCY!  Will they get married?  Or will they opt for a non-traditional family?  All we can know is that this house is full of love.  (****-Entertainment Weekly)

Sister AR:  I'd put her on "Sex And The City."  Because any woman who's on that show gets to have lots and lots of sex.  And Scully deserves it.  And when those women start getting whiny about their lives, she can just say "You think YOUR dealings with men are bad?  Lemme start with a fling I had in med school..."

SisTree:  I'd have Scully on "The West Wing."  She could solve some ghost-related mystery there.  Exactly what it is I'm not sure. (But it would be better than butt genies.)  I'm sure the ghosts of past presidents who hang out there would be happy to cause some mischief so that Scully would visit.  And then she and CJ could bond, because Scully needs some female friends. 

Sis Vivien:  Dana Scully, former FBI pathologist, joins the cast of ER as emergency room physician.  She gravitates to the "weird" cases, diagnoses ailments with leaps of logic (but always turns out to be correct), and becomes involved with a wide array of the other hunky doctors.  Watch for special sweeps edition in which Scully deals with an untimely visit by her brother Charlie who has a case of the "funny syphilis." 

Paul Wartenberg: "Scully At Night" -- an ex-FBI agent takes on a new job as night hostess for a fashionable high-rise restaurant in downtown Vancouver.  With Frohike as the wine waiter and John Malkovich as the snooty French-trained chef.

Sister Frances:  Her Scullyness would be a welcome addition to the cast of "Friends," where she could perform autopsies on irrational characters displaying bad haircuts or no dress sense.  A couple of weeks on that basis and the show would be entirely hers...

Sarah M.:  Captain Dana Scully of the starship Voyager. She looks similar (but better) to Janeway, but would get the crew home much quicker. No stopping to investigate some anomaly. Anything can be explained away as a result of bad cooking on the part of that funny little man in the kitchen. Plus, she'll get a lot of neat stuff to autopsy.

Christi (aka Gilly):  That other (though not as good, certainly not as Scully-rific) cop show "Law and Order" could use Scully's FIBbie expertise and downright good looks to offset the fact that they let Ice T try to act.

Sister Fun:  I would put Scully on "CSI," because that would give me a reason to watch. Or maybe as a doctor on Ed, just to piss off Mike.

Sister Skyship:  I'd put Scully on "Star Trek, Voyager."  She'd be Captain Kathryn Janeway because of her strength, wisdom, beauty and capability to run in heels.  Not to mention that whole thing with interstellar tic-tacs...

Angel:  I'd change the US map to Scully's face on the Weather Channel.  That way we'd have reports of good face-acting available 24 hours a day.  Either that or make her Buffy so I can watch her really kick ass.

Sister Squat:  "The West Wing" -- Follow the dramatic interplay among Intensive Care Unit staff at Washington, D.C.'s Georgetown Medical Centre while they determine if Dr. Dana Scully is working on the unit, or merely lying near death in it.

BDodd:  "WASHINGTON WEEK" -- Special Agent Dana Scully joins this panel of outspoken journalists and politicians to uncover the truth about the strange "W-Files"-- recent presidential election conspiracies that reach high into the dark shadows of the Supreme Court (where Morley smoke reportedly billows from closed chambers).  Whose side is she on?  "The victim's," she explains, as she douses conservative Senator Phil Gramm's face with another glass of cold water.  Scully's guest next week: Florida election commissioner Katherine Harris, played by Mimi Rogers. (Parental discretion is advised.)


Well, it seems with Mulder gone for most of the season it has now become Scully's job along with being the resident believer to be the one who also gets to lose her gun at inopportune times. So far this year we've seen her give it away to a man possessed by a Jebus Slug and take it off for no reason so that she could knock it out of her reach when startled by a butt genie. How will she lose it next?

Are you an OBSSE Member? YesNo

Here's a creative way Scully can lose her gun:


"The Season of Scully,
my ass!"