News for the OBSSEsed - continued
Issue No. 32, February 2000

From folks we've featured before, Barbara D. has a fabulous new surprising piece out that turns the X-Files on its head in "No Place Like Home" - don't be surprised if you find yourself scratching your head after the first scene. It's a great puzzle to unravel. Justin Glasser also has a creepy new casefile out called "Lonely Nightmare" which takes place as Mulder and Scully are struggling to get their partnership back on track after Never Again.  It's told from Mulder's perspective but he spends an awful lot of time thinking about Scully and the character interplay is wonderful. Now on to our new featured authors.


Mulder is dead and Scully is struggling to hold everything together. "Falling Down in Four Acts" is a disturbing and very believable portrait of a woman on the edge.  A funny and sexy NC-17 tale of just what happens when Scully returns to Las Vegas undercover with Mulder in tow is told in "Sore Luck at the Luxor." All of Anubis' work can be found at this website.

Susanne Barringer

I really enjoyed this first story in which an exchange of childhood foibles turns much more serious when Mulder and Scully discuss her fear in "You Thought They Said Trains." In one of her earlier stories, Scully comes to grips with the ramifications of one word in "Gun." All of her work can be found at this website.


This author is fond of a very difficult sort of casefile - one which actually ties into the mythology. Taking place after The Red and The Black is a tale of experiments and cover-ups called "Scatter." (Vehemently also seems to be very fond of Krycek since we see him a lot in these stories. Just in case anyone might be interested...) I also enjoyed the pulled from the headlines tale of the search for a missing girl in "Starvation Angel." All of Vehemently's work can be found at this website.


Shirlock likes to write about The Blessed One from an outsider's perspective and the results are delightful. I loved this author's quirky story of a photographer who sees what we here in the Order do and wants more than anything to get his chance at "Shooting Dana." Then there is the day that Scully meets up with "The Pickpocket" and it changes them both for the better.

Jean Robinson

And finally we feature our favorite prancy Sister in the Abbey. Jean is new to fanfic, but has made her mark by filling in the blanks of the past. Most of her stories are set at times we have left behind and do a wonderful job of marking those moments. Her first venture into a long casefile is the post-Redux II "I Scream, You Scream" which manages to provide an ice cream treat along with this Scullycentric tale. Jean's sweet Christmas story is told from Mulder's perspective about his "Pin Up Queen", but it is not what you think.  Check out all of Jean's stories at her website


by La..

After reading last month's CHarc article by Sisters Bryn, Sassejenn & Jenn, (and surviving the great Orison Debate of `00... see article below) I realized that there is an entire segment of the CHarc that is woefully neglected, under studied, and if I do say so, completely misunderstood. I, of course, am speaking of those times when "Agent" Scully of the Austere Armani gives way to "Doctor" Scully, she of the Flashy Forensic Fashions. 


For those who consider Scully's wardrobe to be a bit, shall we say "lacking in variety" when it comes to color, this part of the CHarc is just what the doctor ordered. The Beige & The Black is cast aside for those colorful wash & wear marvels of cotton/polyester blend most commonly known as "scrubs" and "hospital gowns". 

Note the choice of a delicate hint of spring yellow, symbolizing rebirth, as she emerges from the One Breath coma... the stunning aqua marine of Teliko which says "back off, this is MY case"... the vivid cerulean blue in TR&TB which perfectly accentuates the look she gives Mulder as she tells him "without those memories, I can't. I won't."... the vulnerable pink in Redux II as she ponders her own mortality, giving way to... a powerful maroon as Dr. Bossypants takes over Skinner's course of treatment. 

Only now are we able to truly understand the depths of her disgust when the best the Center for Disease Control can come up with is basic white.

And what discussion of ANY part of the CHarc would be complete without a look at "accessories"? Again, the limited choices for "Agent" Scully (Let's face it.. there really are none. The woman accessorizes with a gold cross necklace. That's it. Period.) give way to a plethora of possibilities for "Doctor" Scully. Eyewear, masks, headgear, gloves... hooboy the options!

It is interesting to observe that Scully seems to equally favor two separate and distinct styles of protective eyewear that she comfortably shifts between. 

1) The more invisible, clear style which is apparently suitable for discovering a hitherto unknown half fluke/half man GENEtic mutation or getting the most BLAZING HOT PROBE ever for a SOUTHERN BLOT test and 

2) The tinted style with dark frame, perfect for those times when you have to autopsy the dead prostitute your boss slept with (this is where I was going to work in PANSPERMIA but it just seemed... well.. wrong at the last minute) or when you have to do yet another autopsy even though all you've had to eat was a bagel with cream cheese... and it wasn't even real cream cheese, it was lite cream cheese. 



Granted there aren't many choices a girl has when it comes to surgical masks but, again, note Scully's willingness to try something different. Wearing glasses.. glasses placed jauntily on top of the head in a non-chalant way that belies the fact she may have contracted a fatal virus that's outstanding symptom is big ol' ugly exploding boils... no glasses at all, hell the mask isn't even in place, but then it's hard to be properly protected when the government's trying to turn you into a bimbo... and last but certainly not least, the impromptu "yeehaw, I'm birthin' a baby durin' a hurricane" bandana mask. 
Sadly I must report that after extensive research, I've come to the conclusion that Scully is simply not one of those people who can wear hats. Bless her heart, she's tried to find a style that works for her but the results have all been rather unfortunate. Who can forget (and I'm sure we've all tried) the "Would you like fries with that autopsy?" Teliko hat... the Sleepless "shower cap"... granted the helmet in Drive didn't look too bad but it did seem to make her forget basic common sense things like "you *probably* shouldn't just yank it off your head because you think *maybe* the reason people's heads are exploding is because of some sound thingy and therefore it's *possible* the air isn't contaminated so what the hell"... Fearful Symmetry saw the return of the shower cap but this time sticking a *miner's lamp* on top of it. I guess you just never know what you may encounter while rooting around in an elephant carcass... and, of course, the Small Potatoes "welder's helmet". Quite frankly, it's amazing Eddie still wanted to drop by her apartment after seeing her in that get up. 
Ah, here we are at the "latex" portion of the article and appropriately enough, this is where I discovered a phenomenon that truly is an x-file in and of itself. We all know how satisfying it is to hear Scully snap on the latex (Sure. Fine. <SNAP> Whatever.) <sigh> ... How sleek and snug those gloves are on her delicate yet capable hands...

So why is it that when she got all saggy and wrinkly in Dod Kalm... SO DID THE GLOVES? How is that possible? Am I missing some sort of obvious SRE here? Can excited free radicals have an effect on the way latex fits? Lensie, I assume you will do some followup research and get back to us with an answer to that last question.

Anyway, as you can see, the Medical CHarc is as varied as it is colorful. Two of my all-time favorite moments best illustrate just how diverse this particular facet of the CHarc is. 

On the one hand, there's BiohazardSuit!Scully (Tunguska). From head to toe, a vision of cerulean, scientific know-how. And to truly appreciate just how "right" this ensemble is for Scully, take a look at Dustin Hoffman *trying* to wear the same outfit in Outbreak. Oh the humanity! One can hardly believe it's the same suit. 

And just to prove that sometimes less is indeed more.. we have 2Shy. No need for fancy schmancy hats, masks, glasses, etc. Just a simple white lab coat and a really killer application of lipstick is all that's needed to put a sexist sheriff in his place. You GO girl!

So remember, whenever you find yourself getting depressed over boxy zippered pantsuits or wrong-buttoned jackets.. just pop in a tape featuring Autopsy!Scully or I'mAMedicalDoctor!Scully and all will be right with the world.


P O L L   R E S U L T S
What the Hell Was She Thinking?

Okay, for the record, we at News for the OBSSEsed think Mimi is a fine actress and certainly successful in her past role as an XF antagonist.  It's just that when we ran across this picture, we couldn't help asking, "why?  why?"  So we're human.  At any rate, the results we received were written in good humor, and this month's Golden Pouch of Tender Vittles goes to Sister Beer for her entry.  (Psst, Beer - that's a good thing.)  Thanks to everyone who wrote in...but it looks like we'll never know.

 Sister Nancy FF:
"What's ninety minutes rubbing your chest in a circular motion on top of the stove compared to the looks I'm getting tonight!  I sure will be glad when I can take off the foil, though."

"Well, Fox said they wanted us to wear something that was in the movie."

"I brought my own UFO's!"

Sister Beer:
"Got Milk?"

Sister Glasses:
"Hell, maybe this time they'll ask me about Einstein's Twin Paradox."

Wrong Haired Prancy Body Double:
"What? I see nothing wrong with the silver."

"In an underwired..., erm, that is to say, uplifting show of support for the film, actress Mimi Rogers appeared at the premiere wearing a festive, 'it's just like being there' replica of the bee domes that figure so prominently in the film's plot."

Sister EvilBetty:
"This little necklace really pulls this outfit together."


(EDITOR'S NOTE: As you can imagine talk on the OBSSE mailing list got a little intense after Orison aired. After we debated for a while about Scully shooting an unarmed suspect and those ramifications we got down to the REALLY important stuff. Her hair.)

Minor  Shannon:  Brethren. Sistren. After all this scuttlebutt over Orison, I feel I can't hold back any longer. NO WAIT! It's not about THAT.

But, nonetheless, I have lost faith in the saintliness of Our Scully. I mean ... after that Orison, it has just gone too far. I mean, before, you could blame it on the pregnancy, youth, or rainy weather. But this is inexcusable!! (Yes! 2 exclamation points-worthy!)

I have lost faith in Scully's hair. For me, now, the CHarc has been tainted ... only the Harc remains (and that sounds like you're hacking up a hairball). Her titian locks cannot be REDEEEMED!! It's not professional, and I don't know what the hairdressers were going for, but they failed miserably.

Yeah, yeah. So part of me says: It's just a TV Show, but I look for fashion from my Saint. Up till now it's been realistic, styled for a reason, but now it's like she's just afraid of her own hair, the way she hacks it off! I know some of you have said that "hey, Mulder cut off his hair" but that was different! He had brain surgery, and he's DD, what can you say?

Sadly, I cannot relate to this Scully anymore. Her character, her hair, and her fashion sense are irredeemable. Scully is sullied. She makes Joan Rivers vindicated in every last remark. And I can't condone that.

Kirby:  I'm really sorry to have to do this.

Minor, you ignorant slut.

You've obviously never BEEN a hairdresser.  So let me spell this out for 

When we go to hairdressing school, we do so with the understanding that 
every time we get a new customer in the chair, we run the risk of getting a 
customer who ASKS FOR A STYLE THAT MAY TURN OUT TO BE UNFLATTERING LATER.  We spend weeks talking about ethics and the responsibility of a stylist to provide a service without allowing our personal feelings to enter into the equation.  Do we really think old ladies should have blue hair?  No!  But do we give it to them anyway?  Of course.

Say Scully went into the haircut place (uh, we call it that in school).  She 
sits down with a lady named Marsha.  Scully pulls out a picture of Sassejenn from say, Tiger Beat, and says, "You know, this is the hair I WANT."  Marsha takes the issue of Tiger Beat, (noticing privately that the photo of that kid from Sixth Sense on the accompanying page is DREAMY) and squints. Marsha: "Uh, Agent Scully, that haircut looks really good on THIS PERSON, but it may not be right for everyone." Scully: "Marsha, everyone gets the haircut that they deserve.  I want THIS ONE.  I may soon be dragging my bleeding and flexible carcass around closets  and under beds, and I need something that won't distract me."
Marsha: (remembering her duty) "Sure, fine (snip) Whatever."

What if Marsha had simply IGNORED Scully's wishes?  We'd all be happier, and I know plenty of stylists who have done just such a thing, but they weren't taking their job seriously, and they're no longer hair stylists.  And if they are, they shouldn't be.  There's no place for personal opinion and superior fashion sense in this business.

Furthermore, if Mulder enters a barber shop and asks for a Flowbee, the guy is OBLIGATED to have an angry beaver gnaw Mulder's bangs to a lamentable length.  Mulder can even DEMAND that the bangs be uneven and stick up strangely, and the Barber, if he takes his duty seriously, can only silently and with deep regret, oblige.

It might not be what you all would want to do, and it might not even be fair, but it's ethical and it's by the book.

And yes, I know this is an unpopular opinion, but I'll stand by  it.  If Scully had come to me and asked for the pregnancy hair, or even that  terrible tangled hump of curls on top of her head in Jersey Devil, I would have done my job.  Because I'm a HAIRDRESSER, damnit, and I believe in a 
person's right to have bad hair.  Nay (glancing in the mirror), I DEMAND it.

As much as I'd ALSO LIKE TO EMPHASIZE THIS POINT, I have to tell you, Shannon, you're wrong about the hair.  And you're even more wrong about the people behind the hair.  Scully may have flat hair, but it's her right, and your attempt to blame the people at the Cut N Curl is unfounded and dangerous.  Next we'll be blaming the people at Bloomingdale's for 
encouraging Scully to try on the black zippered jacket, even though they'd 
been cackling in the back room for MONTHS about how it rides up on people,  and they'd never sell it to anyone.

So in summary, please don't be so hasty to judge the hair or the people 
behind the hair. Our motto: If your hair isn't becoming to you, then maybe you shouldn't be coming to us.

Les:  Minor, I agree with your findings. Before this episode, I had complete faith in (the Clothing and Hair of) our Saint. Now I've lost it. What happened to her? Is she so changed as a person that she just woke up one morning and said "I know. Scissors."?

I think that trauma from past abductions and kidnappings are to blame for 
this sudden change in character (hair). Scully's on the edge ... and her 
hairdresser is on crack. If she's willing to go to these lengths, what next? 
Rolled up bangs? A spiral perm?

This is no longer the Scully I idolized. The days of amazing hair have come and gone and we can never go back. I've lost respect for her.

I think that in the real world, the fashion and hair police would be forced to charge her and her hairdresser with second degree hairslaughter. *sob*  What happened to Season Two Scully and her wings of glory?

Serin:  Well, I may be in the minority here, but I think that God told Scully to cut her hair.  I know, some of you will say that the God you know would never command such a thing.  Well, He told Joan of Arc to chop off her hair!

And you have to remember, this is the Carterverse, where an awkward haircut has Messianic overtones, symbolizing the shorn lamb, as well as the ascetic warrior for truth in the battle of Good and Evil.  You can't judge it by the same standards that you apply to hair in RL.

Steph: Poor Minor.  She finally has the guts to address the issue that I know all of you are thinking.  Here's the relevant quote, and then I'll get on
with my business:  "I have lost faith in Scully's hair.... Up till now it's been realistic, styled for a reason, but now it's like she's just afraid of her own hair, the way she hacks it off!"

Minor, clearly you did not spend Monday morning writhing around on your
living room floor with your hands held behind your back and your feet held
together.  Had you done so, you would have quickly forgiven Scully's
trespasses.  My hair is just a little bit longer than shoulder length, yet
more than once during my pretended struggles, I pulled my hair really,
really bad.  When such a thing happens, a girl can't help but stop and go
"OW OW OW OW OW!!", and that would have been bad for Scully, given the situation. 

Mandy:  While I do respect your opinion, Kirby, even though it is stupid
and sniveling and self-centered and morally relativistic and many other
nasty things besides that I am far too mature to say and anyway I'm being
civil here, I have to disagree. Just because you went to hairdressing
school doesn't mean that you have any more authority in what is,
essentially, a human issue. If anything, your training gives you a moral
imperative to override the blue-haired old women and let them go grey with dignity. To stop those ladies from getting unflattering layers. What I see isn't somebody being respectful, it's somebody stepping down from their hairdressing-school-given mandate to save us all from bad hair days. In fact, I don't see how anybody as weak-spined as yourself has any right to criticize Scully or her hairdresser for just one mistake that was likely
made in the heat of the moment. YMMV, of course...

You said:  "What if Marsha had simply IGNORED Scully's wishes?  We'd all be happier, and I know plenty of stylists who have done just such a thing, but they weren't  taking their job seriously, and they're no longer hair stylists." This example is so full of holes that I'm tempted to pick it apart right here (but I will leave that for somebody else so that I don't make all the good arguments in this discussion).  Gee, that sure sounds funny in the mouth of somebody who was saying just a few minutes ago that you can't judge people when you're not in their place. Speaking of no place for personal opinion, who gave you the right to judge other people?

Let this be a lesson to you all: unless you agree with me, you have no right to judge other people or tell them when you think they're wrong because maybe just maybe YOU'RE wrong instead. Okay? 

Lauren:  Hey hey hey.  It seems to me that we've got some pretty heated debate here, and everyone is divided into two camps:  Those who agree with Kirby and those who agree with Mandy.  See, people usually judge hair in two ways: By the Celebrity Hairstyle Guide and by the 'do that the weird guy who doesn't shower down the street sports.  Just remember that neither side is more right, or more CHarc-worthy than others.  When we are all very young and our parents take us for our first haircut, our ideas about coiffure are formed and we never go back.  Are you following me here?  Now, Kirby's mama obviously took her to a nice place where the stylists cared for her hair and served her coffee and asked her opinion on things.  Mandy, however, must have gone to Fantastic Sam's or something where they don't even blow dry your hair unless you ask them to and pay them extra.  I'm not saying that either of these things are wrong, because God knows I don't want to get into haiRP, but I think we should all stop and think about how our own haircuts have influenced this topic.  Think about how you would have felt if your hair was massacred like Scully's.  Think of how it feels when you're at a salon where they charge you a hundred bucks -- sure you may think they're following your advice, but they're really just telling you to tell them to do what they want to do and making you think it's your idea. Or when you're in control of the scissors, but sometimes you Duchovny your hair anyway by accident.  Whether or not you've ever held a pair of scissors in your hand and cut the hair of a family member or friend will make you more sympathetic to what Scully's hairdresser, and Scully herself, was thinking.

I don't want to hear the words IRREDEEMABLE HAIRCUT ever again.  Y'all just step back from the keyboard and lather, rinse, repeat.  See if your post still seems to reek of perm fluid after that.  And remember, when all else fails and you just want to unsub, remember that Scully, no matter what 
she's done, still uses that same strawberry scented shampoo that we've all known and loved for so long.

Mandy:  Having carefully examined Lauren's post I now detect the subtle
strains of an insult wafting my way. In fact I consider this a very biased
post. I'm biased, too, but at least I'm right. And just because you're not
smart/experienced/follicularly-endowed enough to understand my *hair pain* doesn't excuse you, either. Maybe you should think next time before you insult somebody in a public forum, monkeybrain. (Last post on this thread, I swear!)

La..: Shannon, you have to understand what was going through Scully's mind at the moment she got her hair cut. No, really you HAVE TO understand!

In a moment that was pure Psychic!Scully she had a vision that she'd be
facing off with Donnie Pfaster again and immediately all the old
insecurities from Season Two came back in a flash. I think it was less
than 30 seconds actually if you speed up the vision.

ANYWAY, the terrible need to wear bangs, to own three curling irons..
and use them <shudder> became overpowering. She tried to resist it,
REALLY she did. She tried to remember how confidently coifed she'd
become in the last few years (Ah the glory days of season five) but
ultimately it was all just too much for her and in a devil's instant... SNIP.

..or maybe there were two <snips> it's hard to be sure because of the way they edited with the scissors being raised and then the lock of hair falling to the ground but THEN showing the scissors actually snipping... oh and wasn't the look on Mulder's face so sad when he realized what Scully had done? That she's actually gotten a worse hair cut than him? Oh the angst.

Anyway, see why it's NOT Scully's fault she has a bad hair cut? 

And don't even get me started on the unfortunate beige period flashbacks causing such terror that all she could do was throw on a pair of flannel PJs and her fuzzy slippers. Poor Scully!

Paula:  First of all, to Lauren, don't think you can put me in your "categories" so easily.  How do you know I didn't grow up with my own personal hairdresser?  I wouldn't be so quick to judge. 

Second, La.., have we even been watching the SAME SHOW?! If you go
back and rewatch it frame for frame you can clearly see that there was only ONE snip.  Not two.  Two would change everything and I wouldn't even bother watching the show again.

Unfortunately we'll never get to see the resolution for this tragic haircut.  Oh sure, a toss-off remark in the next mytharc maybe, but continuity?  BTW La.., if you hadn't written that Mulder shouted, "DON'T SNIP!" we'd all have saved a lot of keystrokes.  I think we all know by now that he was DEFINITELY shouting "WHAT DID HE DO TO YOUR  HAIR?"

The biggest crime of all may be when Mulder put that towel over Scully's hair, implying a cover up.  Whether it was her fault or not, she'll have to live with that bad 'do until it grows out. 

Loa:  Dear Shannon, you candyass baby whiny girl: To think!  Just because Scully cut off her hair in a moment of passion!  It was like a fugue state, you know, she was sitting there on her cute striped couch (we hardly knew ye) and slowly she goes over the torture that she had to endure
that morning:  The mousse, the gel, the broken teeth from her comb from trying to make her hair so flat.  Suddenly she loses all her control and she decides to get rid of this menace once and for all.  So there's that wonderful, moving slow motion scene where she comes into the hairdresser's and the door bangs open, you know, and the scissors get a close-up as they slowly snip the red locks.... I cried, I tell you, at the nobility of Scully's face as the blowdryer whipped her new 'do away from her

And you have the gall to say she did wrong!  SCULLY IS NOT A HAIR MURDERER.  It's so obvious that she was doing the right thing.  No, we did not cheer when the scissor blades came together.  But can't you SEE why she did it?  *sob*

Thank you.

Drive through.

Squat: Oh for criminy's sake, people.

Next think you know people will be claiming that it was Vidal Sassoon
himself, or God forbid, Alberto, working through Scully to make her do
that to her hair.  The way you all talk, Scully will soon be pushing a
portable sink down streets, offering to shampoo complete strangers' hair
with Pert Plus.

Face up to it, you morons.  Scully made that decision BY HERSELF.  I
don't care what state of mind she was in.  I don't care about her history with curling irons or mousse or bad lots of hair colour.  I don't CARE if Bill pulled her hair as a child, or how much she cried when told that Barbie's hair wouldn't grow back.  Scully is an adult, and she is one hundred percent responsible for her actions.

The point you're ALL missing, that I feel PERFECTLY free to come to now,
is that the act of cutting her hair is completely and totally independent of her past.  Yes, she was in a whacko state of mind when she did it, and YES we can all understand why -- no question.  But does this absolve her of responsibility?  Wouldn't she, as a person experienced with having hair and trained in its upkeep, be expected to behave in an appropriate manner, even under extreme duress?  She might be acquitted in a court of law, but there is NO FREAKIN' WAY she would escape censure by the Disciplinary Board of Hairdressers and Practitioners of Specific and Malicious Gossip About Absent Clients. She would at least have her metal-core round brush confiscated, and her Biosilk Shine rights would definitely be revoked until the board of inquiry came down with its ruling.  Crap.  She'd be lucky if they didn't sentence her to having her hair done at First Choice for the rest of her life, with no chance of free blow drying for at least 25 years.

The other thing that I cannot believe is that you idiots are obviously
confusing her feelings with whether or not the cut was justified.  It's like family members, you know?  When you love someone, you are so much
more likely to overlook the obvious scissor marks, the unevenness, and
the way the cut makes your eyes look crossed and highlights the zits on
your forehead, and you will deny to the end that it's a bad cut.  "Oh it
really suits you!" you say, and then you get into vicious arguments with
anyone who tells the truth.  Come on.  If she didn't have follicular trauma throughout her life, would we be saying that her haircut was justified?  I seriously doubt it.  Learn to separate her feelings from her actions, okay?  Her feelings were justified.  Her haircut is not.  Get over it.

(*p.s., I actually sorta kinda liked her hair, even though it's a bit

Meredith:  Now Squat, I respectfully disagree.  Don't you think you're being a little harsh here?  First of all, while the ACT of cutting hair is separate from a past, every action has its reaction!  Life is just a series of
cause-and-effect relationships. Poor Scully has just been through quite the series of hair trauma, and really if you speed up the timing of the entire
X-Files series into some sort of alternate universe where time is really fast, there's only like THREE WEEKS between the whole curling iron fiasco and season seven!  THREE WEEKS!

Besides, we have no idea whether or not she is aware there is another hair stylist in the room, hiding behind the one with the scissors.  She does look rather dazed.  That stylist could have been influencing her!  Did you see the way he gazed at her? Between all that has happened to poor Scully's hair, I think she is completely justified.  Scully is not a hair butcherererer or however you spell it!!

And Squat, that wheeling the sink PertPlus thing is just cruel.  No one in my MENSA group would EVER say something so mean!! 


"I Know It's No Longer That December Holiday Celebrated Mainly by Christians -- No, This Isn't a Debate on Religion and XF -- But the Tune Fits and Everyone Keeps Talking about ScullyHair So I'm Filking a Holiday Carol Neeeeeeener"

To the tune of "Hark, the Herald Angels Sing"

by Bryn

Nun 1:

Harc!* the word sticks in my throat
On the new hair I don't dote
It's too skimpy; where's the floof?
Scully's stylist is a doof
O those days of pristine bob
I think good hair helps her job
I shall whine and I shall pout
Till this short do groweth out
Harc! my faith is shot to bits
"Orison" locks give me big fits.

Nun 2:

Harc! forget the clothes and shoes
With new hair, she cannot lose
It looks great, and even more
It's improved o'er Season Four
I saw one snip and not two
Ha you ig-nor-ant slut you
I see we cannot agree
Scully's 'do is meant to be
Harc! its praises still burn bright
Humbly I say that it's just right

Harc! join us, rise up and sing 
We know hair is The One Thing
(Nun 2)
I'm awestruck; I sit and stare
(Nun 1)
Are you nuts?  There's not much there!
(Nun 2)
O I'm happy! Hair so swell!
(Nun 1)
Maybe if she used more gel...
It's a lasting fight round here
How we like coifed Our Saint so dear
Harc! and we thought writing blew
Nun pain galore from Scully's 'do **

* to be pronounced like one is hacking up a hairball

** disclaimer: by her choice of title and lyrics, the filker means no
insult to those of skimpy hair, floofy hair, hairstylists, S4 Scullyhair
fans, gel users, ignorant sluts, those who oppose the use of the word "coifed" on general principle, neener nuns, or sufferers of man and/or nun pain

Away Goes the Good Hair
To the tune of 
"Away in a Manger"
by Skull

Away goes the good hair
For floof we all mourn
Our dear sainted Scully
Is tragically shorn.
The fans in TV land
Look down where it falls
The Hair Arc concludes with
Our heartbroken squalls.

Our Scully ignores all
Her pains and her aches
With hands faintly trembling
A towel she takes.
She covers her sweet head
To our shouts of dismay -
Her soul has been murdered
For her crime she should pay.

Our poor tortured Scully
We cannot redeem
She's lost our respect and
Our highest esteem.
A part of her essence
Will never come back -
Her honour departed
With that first scissor hack.

Orison's Lament
By Sister June
We offer up our orison
A fervent honest prayer
A smackdown for the hairdresser
Who cut our Scully's hair

The nuns do all say "Neener"
Your head we want to doff
For spoiling the magnificence
Of our TBO's coif

So, Sisters do not lose the faith
There's something you should know
Despite tonsorial incompetence
Our Scully's hair will grow


By Sister Aspen, part-time Mytharc Rationalist

Love it, hate it, or try to completely ignore it, the mytharc remains a central part of the X-Files. Too often attention given to the mytharc takes the form of criticism, exasperation, or even cries of pain and anguish, mixed with curses at Carternuity and the like-however, this need not be the case.  The mytharc can actually be seen to make a strange sort of sense. What follows is one sister's desperate attempt at an explanation.

Part One: Why Explain the Mytharc, Anyway?
The first question that usually comes up when discussing the mytharc is generally along the lines of, "Why bother?  What's the point of trying to explain it, anyway?"  (The short answer has to do with a challenge made by that demurest of nuns, Sister Autumn, which was accepted after a few too many 'ritas one night. but I digress.)  Anyway. so why, then?  A more accurate question, in fact, is, "why not?"  In fact, the entire purpose behind the X-Files is found in the search for answers to difficult questions, in seeking logical explanations for mysterious phenomena.  The purest spirit of scientific inquiry is present in the pursuit of understanding the mytharc, in order to make sense of seeming nonsense, to achieve meaning from madness. Analyzing the mytharc may even be, then, the truest form of praise/homage for our Saint, who herself analyzes everything through the "lens of science."  (How's that for an SRE?)

Part Two: The Curse of Verse: A Mytharc Primer
Now that the importance of understanding the mytharc has been made clearer, there are probably a few sibliren wondering what exactly was missed during those years of focusing only on such things as Scully's hair and clothing styles.  So, based on traditional teaching methods, here's a simple rhyme to keep it all in perspective:

A is for Aliens, abductions and all
B is for Black Oil, the start of the fall,
C is for Conspiracy, colonization and more,
D is for DNA, the new tool of war,
E is for the ET that caused all this woe,
F is for Fowley-true friend or true foe?
G is for Gibson, not lost, just away,
H is for Hybrids, saving the day,
I is for Implants, used for control,
J is for Japanese scientists, sans soul,
K is for Krycek, who to each side belongs,
L is for the Lone Gunmen, and their litany of wrongs.
M is for Mulder, both Samantha and Fox,
N is for Nanites, influence in a box.
O is for the Outcome, as yet unknown,
P is for Purity, purest poison, alone-
Q is for Quonochontaug, site of betrayal,
R is for Roswell, sometime aliens' jail, 
S is for Scully, our Saint brave and wise,
T is for Tunisia, home of Syndicate spies,
U is for UFOs, that strike hearts with fear, 
V is for Vaccine, a hope once held dear,
W is for Walter Skinner, constrained, 
X is for X-Files and the knowledge that's gained 
Y is a question, for which the answer we seek,
and Z is for Zeus, where things began to look bleak. 

There, now, is everything clear?  No?  All right. let's try this.

Part Three: Summary Section: a.k.a. the Mytharc CliffsNotes T 

Mulder:  "They're here, aren't they?"
Deep Throat:  "Mr. Mulder, they've been here for a long, long time."

A long, long time is right.  Several million years ago, aliens first came to earth; their influence is still present today in human religion (Navajo tradition, the Bible, and the Koran, for starters) and even in the human genetic code  ("junk" or inactive DNA segments that show evidence of extraterrestrial origin).  Although they eventually left (well, most of them, anyway), possibly due to the severity of the Ice Age(s)-the time is at hand for an alien return to earth; a colonization that will have the extremely undesirable result of the destruction of human civilization.  Apocalypse, anyone?

In 1947, in Roswell, NM, a group of men at the State Department formed a consortium (the Syndicate) and began cooperation with the aliens, assisting with the colonization effort in several ways.  To that end, and with Bill Mulder as apparently the only dissenting vote, the Syndicate traded members of their family (Cassandra Spender, Samantha Mulder, and others) to the aliens as hostages, experimental subjects, evidence of goodwill, and in order to receive alien DNA in the form of an alien fetus.

The Syndicate is working with the colonists to develop a successful human-alien hybrid, which will then serve as a slave race for use on the day of colonization (or Armageddon, take your pick).  The Syndicate has also developed and successfully tested a method, with Africanized bees as carriers, for distributing the alien infection (the "black oil", which acts as a retrovirus).  Additional assistance provided by the Syndicate includes a plan of action for the day of colonization-the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) has broad enough power to supersede the federal government in the event of an emergency.  Research into paranoia-causing technology and drugs has also been conducted, probably with an eye toward being able to weaken human resistance.

The Syndicate has another agenda, however-they are delaying the production of a successful hybrid as much as possible, in order to have time to create and produce a vaccine against the black oil/alien virus.  Once the vaccine is made, successfully tested, and distributed (to all or the lucky few), then colonization will be prevented. 

Unfortunately, there are some problems with these carefully laid plans.  First, there are several versions of vaccine, none of which appear fully effective.  Second, the colonists have their own differing agendas (as evidenced by the alien form that gestates in a human host and then explodes from it-thank you, Ridley Scott. er Chris Carter).  Third, not all aliens are interested in colonization-there is a "rebel alliance" that is at war with the colonists, wreaking merry havoc on friend and foe alike.  Fourth, the hybridization program has produced a success (Cassandra Spender), far in advance of when the Syndicate had expected.  By the time the efforts of all the double (triple, quadruple.) agents, Scully, and Mulder, are added into the mix, things begin to get a little complicated.

Part Four: Questions and Answers
(Scully: "Are we clear on that?")

So does everything make a bit more sense now?  Still no?  You expected I could fully explain every detail in seven years of the mytharc in one short article?  Just who do you think I am?  No, no. this is merely an overview, a guide. quit staring at me, I'm fine!  However, I can address some of the more common mytharc questions..

Q: Tell me again, why should I care about this at all?
A: Go back to part one and read it again.  If that doesn't help, ask yourself-WWSD?  Would she blindly accept the party line, or would she search for the correct answer?  Given that, who, again, is your role model?

Q: Oh, right.   OK, then, what is the black oil, anyway?
A: The black oil is an alien form that has retroviral characteristics.  Identified as "Purity," the oil acts by attaching to the pineal gland and exerting control from there in a method that is not yet fully understood.  It is capable of independent action, and exists in several forms, probably due to mutation over millions of years in different environments.  It goes dormant in severe cold, and reacts to intense heat.

Q: Just how many alien forms are there?
A: Not counting hybrids-the black oil, the greys (small and large), the gestating-in-a-human-host alien, the ABH, the scarred rebels, and possibly a few independent colonies scattered about.  There is a distinct possibility that the black oil, the greys, and the gestating form are all different stages of development for the same alien species.

Q: What are the hybrids? What is the difference between the hybrids and the clones?
A: Human-alien hybrids were created from different bases, depending on who was performing the experiment; some examples of genetic source material include human ova (Emily); the taken Syndicate families (Cassandra, Samantha); the alien fetus (Project Purity Control); and work done by military and Japanese scientists on captured/crashed older grey aliens.  Hybrids have amazing healing ability, probably needed to resist Purity, which is necessary for their planned function as a slave race.  There are a few partially successful hybrids-the Kurt Crawford and Samantha Mulder series are examples of hybrids that were then cloned to serve as workers in labs, cornfields, and the like, (where the duplicate appearance would not be noticed) but could not be reliably reproduced.  The first fully successful hybrid was Cassandra Spender.  We have since learned that Mulder is himself a "naturally successful" hybrid, probably due to his exposure to the black oil, Russian vaccine, and the genetic history that he has in common with Samantha-which is why, now that Cassandra has been taken or slain by the rebels, Mulder has become humanity's hope to survive "the coming viral apocalypse."

Q: Who was Gibson Praise?  What happened to him?
A: Gibson is a genetic aberration, in that in him pieces of normally inactive DNA ("junk" DNA) were turned on.  As a result, he gained alien abilities without losing his essential humanity; Gibson is the truest form of the "missing link."  He was able to communicate with the gestated alien form (and, by extension, with other alien forms through the same mental conduit); when last seen, Gibson was waiting for the gestated form to finish transformation in the heat of a nuclear reactor environment.  We may assume that, since the gestated form didn't kill Gibson when it had the chance, that it had no intentions of doing so.  It is very likely that the alien took Gibson with it to join the colonists (and Samantha, the Syndicate families, etc.); it is certain that the Syndicate, in the form of Diana Fowley, was aware of the location of both Gibson and the gestated alien when last we saw them.

Q: Whose side is Alex Krycek on?
A: Ah, Krycek-that baddest of beautiful bad boys.  A double agent at least, perhaps triple, quadruple, or more, he has worked for the Syndicate (and as such with the colonists), the FBI, the Russian vaccine team, and the alien rebel alliance.  In the end, Krycek is out for his own agenda, but no one is certain what that is. except Krycek himself.  The clearest indication we have is in his own words:  "They give me what I want, I'm going to rule the world."

And on that note, it's time for this sister to call it a day and retreat. quickly, strategically, but without surrendering the cherished hope of a complete answer for it all.  Here's hoping that some small amount of light has been shed into the Byzantine world of the X-Files mythology-or, at least, that amusement was had by all!





By Sister Autumn

Last month we reported that Gillian was working on a script. It seems this is much more than a "Story By" effort and we will soon be seeing the words "Written and Directed By Gillian Anderson" on our screens. Her episode is slated to be episode 17 this season and TV Guide will be running an article on it this month. David Duchovny is also stepping behind the cameras again to write and direct episode 18 "Hollywood A.D." which is said to feature Skinner. Let's just hope he was joking when he told USA Today that it would also star his wife and friend.

Still, it doesn't stop there. March will bring us an episode penned by CancerMan himself William B. Davis and in other 1013 news even though the official magazine said he was gone, Rob Bowman just keeps coming back to direct. He'll be behind the camera for episode 15. What next? Tom Braidwood's very special episode?

While we do have the required two parter for sweeps this month the real buzz is swirling around the Gilligan penned X-Cops which could be classified as a "stunt episode," but if you ask me it's a heck of a stunt. Look for lots of press on this one when it finally rolls around. It may make you forgive Vince for being such a bad boy with Hungry. He will be doing a live chat on February 17th at TV Guide online (see the official site for details).

The schedule updates are as follows:

Feb 6 - Sein Und Zeit (7X10) Part 1 of 2
        W: Carter & Spotnitz D: Watkins
Feb 13- Closure (7X11) Part 2 of 2
        W: Carter & Spotnitz D: Manners
Feb 20- X-Cops (7X12)W: Gilligan D: Watkins
Feb 27- First Person Shooter(7X13)
        W: William Gibson D: Carter
Mar 5 - Pre-empted
Mar 12- Theef (7X14) W: Gilligan, Shiban, Spotnitz
        D: Manners
Mar 19- Untitled (7X15) W: William B. Davis D: Bowman
Lastly, and certainly not least, Gillian Anderson was honored with her fifth consecutive Screen Actor's Guild nomination for her work on the X-Files. She's won this award (presented by her peers) twice now and this year has the distinction of being the only nominee from a traditional network show. Her competition in this category comes from HBO and Lifetime actresses. David Duchovny was also nominated. The SAGS will air on TNT March 12th.
Morgan & Wong's new series...

Premieres Sat., Feb. 5
Sister Squat's
Dead of Winter 2000 Perv Review

"Hey, guy, you ready to rumble?"
"If by 'rumble' you mean perform, yes I am."

Thus begins one of the better Season Seven pervables so far, "My Amazing Weenie." Before I get into what makes this a particularly good example of XF perv, I feel it necessary to explain my column's absence in last month's News for the OBSSEsed. 

I was on sabbatical.

Yes, I know, I made it sound like I was unsubbing.  Sister Autumn made me.  You see, there is a hitherto unknown cache of funds in the Abbey treasury set aside for special training, which I swear I didn't know about until I came across an advanced graduate seminar on 1,001 Naughty Uses for a Tofutti Rice Dreamsicle and a Paper Bag at the local community college.  The problem was it was a full-time intensive, necessitating my absence from the Abbey for a few weeks.  Autumn at first refused my application for an LOA, saying we already had one, in fact she lived a few doors down from me.  Once I explained that it was for a Leave Of Absence, and that this course would further advance my stature as PervMistress, and after plying Autumn with many Scullyritas and graphically detailed descriptions of Scully in a woefully undersized neoprene wetsuit, she confessed to the existence of the fund and approved my application.  She also made me concoct the above story and will deny the existence of said fund to anyone else who asks.

So.  I'm on my - (I mean) - I'm back.

I'd dedicate this perv review to Bead if I didn't think she'd enjoy it way too much, but let's be honest about "Weenie."  With the proper focus, it becomes eminently slash-pervable.  From the tight opening exchange
between the carny and the prestidigitator to the salacious final comments about breakfast food, it was pretty much non-stop. Take LaBonge's (what kind of a name is LaBonge, anyway, other than some flunky on the XF crew who swanned by in the end credits?) challenge to Maleeni to "Show me something."  At which point Maleeni gave his head a rather painful looking twist.  Ouch.  Even the gals in the crowd had to be wincing over that one. 

For all its slash-perv, however, "Weenie" demonstrated moments of straight-perv that helped to balance the episode, leaving it nicely firm and well-rounded for a varied audience.  Take, for example, LaBonge's
comment to Scully:  "Did you like that?  Watch.  Let me make that bigger for you."  The inclusion of an appreciative Mulder during this exchange was a particularly nice touch.  There was even some good material for the solo artists, with all that stick handling in the pool hall.  Of course, for the voyeur contingent on the Ship, one simply can't ignore this little piece o' social intercourse:

Scully:  "I see signs of refrigeration."
Mulder:  "And yet he performed yesterday.  What a trooper."
Scully:  "Well, somebody performed yesterday" (suggestive glance at Mulder).

Of course, one can't have a good perv end without vague and ambiguous references to anything that could be turned into a paraphilia of one sort or another.  Consider scrambled eggs and sausage.  Heh.  You know what that implies.  At least, I hope you do, so you can tell me.  Illicit intimate relations with scrambled chicken ova and ground cow's arse in a membrane, "that would be the greatest trick of all time, wouldn't it?"  At least according to Maleeni.  To which Mulder smugly responds "One that would be forever remembered in the annals of magic."  Or perhaps he meant something else besides "annals".  Ah, the delightful ambiguity of a fine perv.

Being the Perv Mistress that I am, I will leave it to you to rewatch "Weenie" and pick out other pervable moments for yourself, ones that you can call your own.  Do this as part of your discipline training, and resist the temptation to go for the easy perv of snake handling.  That we'll do for fun some other time.


Sister Betty Back in the Day

Scully is--and has been--the strongest, most compelling, most
complex, smartest, and most fulfillingly human woman portrayed on television in the last 7 years.  Scully has become the true center of the X-Files; as Mulder himself said, in an un-PUNKish moment, "That truth I've searched for--that truth is IN you."  I have read the OBSSE page for nearly a year, and would be honored to become one of the sistren. 

Sister Anne-Marie Shares Her Holiday Good Will

This past year I engaged in a PI-Rescue Operation, buying PIs
from the clearance bins of toy stores, and found good homes for them by
distributing them as Christmas gifts to Philes of my acquaintance. 

 Brother Joe Bravely Declares

Instead of a picture of my first wife I used to have a picture of Scully in my wallet. Sad but true. I have fallen by the way, am remarried and carry a picture of my true love in my wallet. Honest Honey!

Sister Pepper Tells of Her Dedication

  •  I let my lover buy me stern black pumps with 3 inch heels and then I told him never to come by on a Sunday night.
  • I quit doing watercolours to do a science degree... so I could "tap into my rational side."
  • The bus driver always asks me not to thrust my bus pass so sternly into his/her face at every opportunity.
The X-Files is owned by FOX. No copyright infringement is intended. The OBSSE and News for the OBSSEsed are intended for entertainment purposes only. In other words, it's a joke folks. Thanks to all who contributed this month. All articles and columns appearing in News for the OBSSEsed are copyrighted to the authors.