the OBSSEsed - continued
Issue No. 30, December 1999
By Sister Autumn
I remember back in the olden days before many of you young whippersnappers were around. Back before there were remotes and I had to walk two miles up hill barefoot in the snow just to change channels. Back before the days of world domination when almost everyone thought the show was about Mulder and thought of Scully merely as that frumpy tag-along in the beige with curling iron issues. Back around, oh, season two. Back then when the voice of the Scullyist was a whisper in the wind we still talked about it. We thought Scully might, just might be psychic. The indicators are there we cried. Some of us even ventured to ask the Creator about such things at early gatherings of the faithful which he answered in the typical doublespeak he uses when he clearly hasn't thought things out and brushed us aside. Still we knew even then. Just as we knew our favorite skeptical agent would deny it even to herself. And guess who is freaking vindicated now.
Now everyone knows what the faithful few did. This woman is a seer in a tailored suit and push up bra. I even remember when we used to use her "women's intuition" in Aubrey as an indicator. Aubrey shmaubrey. That was child's play, one of her many lessor psychic moments. We at the Abbey have known Scully is gifted for some time, but as the evidence mounts it's high time we pay proper respect to her particular gift even if she herself can rationalize it in her beautiful mind. It's high time we opened a "Hall of Visions" in the Abbey and paid homage to these wonderful moments when we realized that Scully has a direct pipeline to 1-800-THE GREAT BEYOND. Sure, Mulder has his basketball and man pain, but somehow we think this is better.
In fact the incidents of Scully's gifts are so wide and varied that we can even break them into classifications. So, I submit to you an OBSSE guide to all visions Scully.
SCULLYVISION: The Dead Relatives
Suffice it to say that if you're a relative of Scully's and you died you've come back for a little chat at some point to spread some holiday cheer. And if you could not be there in person, at least you had the courtesy to call.
Beyond the Sea: This turning point for the truth is a Scully classic in so many ways, but in the very first venture into a Scully focused episode we get not one, not two, but THREE Scully visions. Could it have been more obvious there was something going on here when she sees her dead father twice and Mulder once? Perhaps she should have held onto that file labeled "Visionary Encounters w/ the Dead" for future reference. This was also Scully's first indication that the holidays generally suck.
Christmas Carol: Melissa decides now would be a good time to give Scully a ring, but does she wish her a Merry Christmas? Nah, her present to Scully is a dead woman and a doomed child. Too bad Kresge wasn't wearing a bow instead.
All Souls: Ah Easter, what better way to celebrate than a few visits from the dead daughter you're still mourning. Emily pops in on her mommy and begs her to let her go. I think that might be easier if she stopped dropping by unannounced. No egg hunt here.
SCULLYVISION: Ghosties and Goblins
Our Saint is not limited in her visions to the kinder and gentler persuasions of the haunting guild. She's had her run ins with some nasty types as well.
Excelsis Dei: OK, not quite a vision, but we can certainly tell her spidey sense goes off in the presence of ghosts. Personally, I think she would have seen them had she been wearing a better outfit.
Irresistible: Scully sees the many faces of pure evil in Donnie Pfaster and it scares the hell out of her and us. She also sees her own face amongst photos of dead women. Lovely.
The Calusari: Unfortunately it is evil again this time when she's attacked by the evil twin ghost. She even has a psychic moment before it happens when she rightly snarks at Mulder as he sends her off to face the demon.
Elegy: Scully's version of "The Sixth Sense." She sees dead people. As if the cancer were not enough.
All Souls: The devil drops by to chat with Scully and obviously has not heard about her gift as he forgets to hide his shadow horns.
How the Ghosts Stole Christmas: OK, so technically Scully sees ghosts, but since Mulder sees them too we don't even need to count this one. In fact, since Mulder saw them it proves anyone and their neighbor's dog could as well.
A psychic girl can't even get a good night's sleep without people trying to send her messages. These instances are more than just the results of too much ice cream before bed.
Irresistible: Leave it to Scully to dream about an autopsy and have it be her own. She receives a night time warning in this episode that is not to be ignored.
The Blessing Way: This time it is in a dream, but even she knows it is real when Mulder gets off his floating salad and pays her a late night visit complete with the overblown dialogue usually reserved for voice-overs.
Christmas Carol: Scully's dreams are telling her things again, and they ain't necessarily things she wants to hear. She dreams about Emily and her family and starts to put the pieces together with the help of a few well timed phone calls.
SCULLYVISION: Divine Intervention
Scully is so popular even angels and other divine visitors want to talk to her. Often. Who can blame them?
One Breath: Now the Blessed One graduates from merely seeing dead mortals to having visions of her own guardian angel protecting and caring for her. Unfortunately Nurse Owens could not protect her from "Super Stars of the Super Bowl" as well.
Revelations: Technically not a vision, but it just seems wrong to leave this indicator of being a divinely chosen protector off this list. Plus, if they'd have stuck to the original script we could have seen Scully understanding someone speaking in tongues.
All Souls: This time a seraphim decides to help Scully find her dropped car keys. Even though we find out to look upon the seraphim in all it's glory is to give up one's soul to heaven Scully manages to postpone that from happening.
The Sixth Extinction: Scully proves herself to be more than a little dense about divinely inspired warnings when she's focused on saving her partner. So a spirit being drops in to tell her to go home in person.
The Sixth Extinction II: Amor Fati: Albert Hosteen is in a coma, but that does not stop him from dropping by to let Scully know the world's fate is in her hands and she should pray for an answer.
The Sixth Extinction/Amor Fati:
"Oh, Scully, I knew you'd come!"
One of the biggest challenges of Perving is, of course, to take loved (or mostly loved) episodes and give them the Perv treatment they deserve. The Sixth Extinction and Amor Fati provide an abundance of pervable lines, to be sure, but to make a Perv really satisfying, one must probe deeply into the script and find those secret places that will give the greatest pleasure. Today's lesson, then, is not so much about perving lines, per se (many of 6E/AF's lines are eminently self-perving), but about setting up contexts that reframe virtually every line in an almost perfect Perv state.
Take, for example, 6E's teaser. Carefully cut away the beach scene (we'll come to this in a minute, or sooner if you just shift your weight a bit - ah, that's better), and concentrate on the flashback sequence. Now take the word "artifact" and replace it with your favourite euphemism for "penis." Today, mine happens to be "wee-wee." I've provided for your consideration only the most pertinent parts.
(By the way, I am bastardizing CarriK's wonderful transcripts of 6E and AF to illustrate this exercise. Thank you, CarriK!)
ANNOUNCER: Previously on the X-Files...Of course, by the time Mulder talks about our progenitals being alien, the scene is almost perfectly perved.
Turning to Scully now, we find her carrying on about beautiful minds and yadda yadda in her very scientific way. Of course, to an acolyte of the Perv discipline, she is actually describing a session of hot monkey lurve devoutly to be wished: "I came in search of something I did not believe existed. I've stayed on now, in spite of myself....I will continue here as long as I can." In a scene that tragically spotlights her celibate state, we find her puzzling: "What is this source of power I hold in my hand - this rubbing...? I watched this rubbing take its undeniable hold on you, saw you succumb to its spiraling effect." And all she does is take her little notes. Sad, isn't it?
The remainder of 6E follows with wonderful pervy bits. Dr. Harriman relates to Skinner Mulder's tendencies toward episodes of aggression, sometimes against himself; lots and lots of hands clutching and inserting objects like pens, hypodermic needles, and machetes, Skinner with Kritschgau in his palm, and so on. Few scenes compare, of course, with the spectacle of Fowley obeying Dr. Harriman's orders to "watch his head" as Mulder goes into seizure, or of Scully's tearful exhortations to Mulder to get a grip on himself and "just hold on."
Amor Fati continues the Perv theme as Kritschgau tells Scully, "Getting in is easy. It's what you do once you're inside that's the key." Amen to that. The episode takes a rather incestuous turn with this exchange between Scully and Skinner:
SKINNER: His mother checked him out.but in case that sort of thing doesn't float your boat, we get into smoking, sex, whether one smokes after sex, and if one can be sure if they've never looked.
Of course, the classic Perv exchange of AF occurs in this mostly well-loved scene, which puts lie to the myth of IceQueen!Scully:
VERY OLD MULDER: Oh, Scully! I knew you'd come. They told me you were dead.There are numerous other examples of Perv in these episodes, but space and time restrictions (not to mention the fact that writing this causes my mind to wander in happy directions) prohibit a lengthier presentation. Suffice it to say, the general thrust of Season Seven feels pretty good. Yeah. Pretty good....
to the tune of "Waterloo" by ABBA
my, it's Friday night and chat is full of brethren
my, the line just said that Scully will be coming
choice bits on straddling things
by Sisters Leah, Beth and Chish
What was supposed to be an intimate
viewing of the X-Files season premiere nearly turned into an international
incident as Sisters from around the globe gathered in Minnesota
to view the Sixth Extinction on November 7. According to inside sources,
the group, adorned with rosaries and PIs, allegedly wreaked havoc across
the whole of the Twin Cities metro area, pausing in their worship of St.
Scully long enough to participate in such lewd
activities as Trivial Pursuit at 4 a.m. and practicing the tactical
placement of sleeping bags. All involved parties should be considered perved
and dangerous and have been added to
the OBSSE Ten Most Wanted List. If you see any of these nuns, do not
attempt to apprehend them. Contact your nearest Elder and await
10. Marie, aka The I: Perhaps the most accomplished liar this side of Krycek, Marie is simply cute as a bug. Purveyor of doughnuts and other baked goodness, Marie is the rumored head of the Chicago Five and can evaluate the defensibility of a home base in a matter of seconds.
9. Sick!Chickie: Chickie aided and abetted the group on their reign of terror by offering her home as sanctuary on Saturday night. Known internationally for her eclectic collection of both Star Wars and chicken paraphernalia, this long time member of the group is a cog in the OBSSE machine.
8. Sister Synnova, aka Chishy La Boom: Imagine the devil and the angel that are perched on your shoulders and offer conflicting advice. Now imagine the angel is dead and the devil lives in your hair with all his demonic friends. These are the fro goblins and these are what cause Cherish to do what she does.
7. Sister Beth: Co-choreographer of last summer's Prance-a-palooza, Sister Beth borrowed LaRhonda's sparkly apron to cook a delicious Lutheran church basement feast. As evidenced from her belief in the rarely seen laundry fairies, Beth is not the picture of domesticity her kitchen activities might suggest. The combination of constant auto-Filth and her penchant for tap prancing is a deadly one.
6. Sister Ant: Though authorities are uncertain which of the politically polemical publications are produced by this group, they are certain that Ant is the driving force behind them. A technophile of the highest degree, Ant's basement has been referred to as 'The Lone Gungirl's Den.' It is rumored that she burned several CDs for the international members of the group.
5. Sister Leah: Despite growing up amongst people of Scandinavian decent and the mysterious circumstances surrounding her Italian grandfather's move to Wisconsin and changing of his name to O'Neal, Leah's mobster heritage poked its way to the surface as she casually referred to something as "mint," a term which the others immediately embraced and used to mock her viciously as a sign of affection. Leah has been known to frequent Buffy newsgroups and chatrooms, but can be sedated with a Frank Sinatra CD.
4. Sister Glasses: As the representative from the EU, Glasses was appalled by the Sunday closing of liquor stores in Minnesota. At her urging, several members of the troupe journeyed to Casanova's Liquors in Hudson, Wisconsin to enable the right blending of ritas for the viewing. Glasses, despite her Teutonic heritage, had never been witness to the joy that is The Sound of Music. Seven sing-along choruses of Edelweiss later, Glasses was fully indoctrinated into The Sound of Music cult -- whether she wanted to be or not.
3. Sassejenn, aka Little Miss Millions: Already under close scrutiny by the Elders of the OBSSE for her suspected involvement in blasphemous rantings of the Wrong Haired Prancy Body Double, Sassejenn did little over premiere weekend to shore up her image. Despite her adamant disavowal of her namesake, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Sassejenn was often heard muttering the immortal lines of that incredible thespian called 'Love,' "Hello? My life."
2. Sister Gen, aka Pepe le Pew: Traveling under the deceptively non-aggressive banner of Canada, Sister Gen was originally lured to Minnesota with promises of Old Navy and right-blended ritas. Once embroiled with the rest of the OBSSE'ers, Gen proved herself to be one of the more flagrant offenders. Desperate to visit the dairy wonderland that is Wisconsin, Gen was also instrumental in organizing a interstate booze run to Hudson (see also offender #4, Sister Glasses). Proving herself a worthy understudy to pervmeister Squat, St. Scully's desperate plea for Mulder to give her some sign of his consciousness, prompted Gen to proclaim, "Like the tent he's pitching isn't enough for you?"
1. Sister Kirby: The most heinous offender of the weekend, NFF family member Kirby Dee, so unlike the shy and retiring girl from Fest '99, brought with her a cloud of perversion and filth such that the entire group was rumored to have dreamed of the Olson twins and the dreaded Uncle Jesse. The perky girl-kid pain coach, irate at being forced to endure yet more Fowley lingerie, even went so far as to blame 1013 for her vicious comments about Little House's Mary Ingalls. Belligerent over claims that she ruined TV Land reruns for everyone, she made several threats on the lives and emotional well-being of other premiere attendees.
There have been reports of additional accomplices little known to the Abbey; deb.or whatever, Kristi, and Chris, the token male, were also reported at several of the scenes of mayhem. deb was heard bemoaning the tragic absence of the ever delicious Krycek, while Kristi voiced her strong agreement. Chris had never witnessed a group viewing of The X-Files, and was shocked by uniformity of reactions to appearances of a certain pointy breasted one. He was, in general, intrigued by the staggeringly high levels of estrogen exhibited throughout the viewing and was quoted as saying, "All alone in a dark room with 10 screaming women, it's everything I've ever dreamed of, but with less mud."
Remember, these are dangerous and wily
members of society. The group disbanded sometime on Monday, leaving behind
evidence besides the well-grouped Mulderball prints on Ant's
television screen. Authorities have speculated a return to Minnesota sometime
in June of 2000.
by Sisters Jezebel and Jean
me a Home,
the mutants all roam,
a Mom and her sons romp and play.
seldom are heard
woman who's hongry all day.
Home, Home, it's deranged! Where the Taylors turned into puree. Where Scully and Fox Shot out all of the locks, Then conversed about their DNA.
Oh, when you're in Home Don't go dig in the loam Since you'll just end up dredging up goo, Where the pigs in their pen All get loose once again When our heros yell out "Baa Ram Ewe!"
Home, Home, it's so strange Where the Peacocks inbreed in the hay Where Deputy Fife Gets hacked up with a knife While the children play baseball all day
Oh, cit'zens of Home Listen to our sad tome, And you'll learn this gross fate to avoid. Don't breed your own stock, Just watch M be a jock. TBO is so cute when annoyed!
Home, Home, for a change. "Murder in a small town," big surprise. The morgue's in the loo, And antennae won't do, But the UST lights up the skies!
Oh, if you go to Home, And you hear someone groan Don't investigate that old homestead 'Cause there's traps that can kill And if they don't she will She's the woman who's under the bed
Home, Home, give it range Something evil's afoot way out there You can sit on the bench But you still get the stench Of the rotting pig head on the stair
|The X-Files is owned by FOX. No copyright infringement is intended. The OBSSE and News for the OBSSEsed are intended for entertainment purposes only. In other words, it's a joke folks. Thanks to all who contributed this month. All articles and columns appearing in News for the OBSSEsed are copyrighted to the authors.|