News for the OBSSEsed - continued
Issue No. 30, December 1999

by Minor Shannon

Now, you may be saying to yourself, "Self, every year, it's the same old thing: a merry little Christmas, open gifts, see relatives, have Auntie
Jemima tell me how big I've gotten even though I haven't grown since 1976, and have my tube sock supply replenished for Y2K. Why can't my holiday season be like Scully's?" We'll skip the reasoning on why you
would want that, for now, and skip to the how-to guide to a Scullyrific holiday season. Besides, who wants to stay home waiting for calls from dead sisters who have nothing better to do than play "Touched By An Angel"?

First off, find the nearest mall and ask Santa for plenty of push-up bras (hey, he's got an industrial factory). After all, you just can't have enough for
every occasion. Besides, he still owes you a pony. Also, mention that a desk, an office, and foam mat for after those visiting apparitions disappear might not be half bad.

Okay, so you've got your gifts all lined up. Now what about those pesky holiday parties. Black is a great fashion statement for spreading cheer. Find yourself a nice corner and stay there. Sulking and holiday spirit
are not mutually exclusive. And remember, never let your brother near the eggnog; only holier-than-thou snarkiness will result. This is all recommended for home, but the same goes for office get togethers as well. Just remember, don't sulk in front of the Xerox machine or you may end up with your rear plastered in every cubicle on the 3rd floor.

What says "Feliz Navidad" better than having the beejees scared out of you on Christmas Eve, hm? Pull on your favorite weasel pelt wig and revisit ghosts of Christmas past in that abandoned boy scout haunted house left over from Halloween. Oh, and don't forget the white blouse over that black bra. It's perfect to draw the attention of the armed crack addicts and crazy old men camped out underneath the plasterboard sarcophagus. Remember to scream "I'm armed!" several times so as to let them know not to mess with you and that great white shirt. 

After that excursion you, your reclinable bed (as seen on TV!) and Dick Clark should have a spectacular time ringing in the New Year with whichever Rent-A-Kringle is sleeping it off that night in the next gurney over. Here's hoping your heart monitor is Y2K compliant!

(Note: These activities can apply to any gathering, no matter the denomination, just as long as sleeping caps from the 7 Dwarves gift shop and stealing your partner's keys are NOT part of the equation.)


Along with Sisters Jez, Squat, Scooby and Bryn

Fare Thee Well, Diana, Marita
To the tune of "Bring a Torch, Jeanette, Isabella"
by Sister Jezebel

Say farewell to Diana Fowley;
She's as dead as a villain should be.
Fans around the world got all howly,
Sad she wasn't stung by a bee.

Every season there must be a person
Sacrificed to the old Ratings God.
Bang! Bang! Diana's not the first one.
But we fear her death was a fraud.

Also gone is our dear Albert Hosteen.
Praying with Scully was so nice of you.
Nothing rhymes with "Hosteen" but "Holstein."
Sorry, Al, it'll just have to do.

We know you that you were with her in spirit,
Cause her fridge isn't by the front door!
Coma! That didn't stop you, did it?
We shall miss you forever more.

Deep Throat, he came back to surprise us.
Dapper and witty as ever was he.
"Just relaxed," he said to advise us
No one on XF is quite dead, you see.

Does a Manicured Man somehow remain,
With Melissa and two Bills in tow?
No! No! We've had enough of Man Pain.
No! No! ScullyAngst has to go!

A Christmas Filk
To the tune of "Christmas Song" (Chestnuts)
by ~Scooby

Elders roasting in a bon fire
Implant inserted in my neck
Why last season my hair was flat like a tire
Is as big a mystery as a file in Navajo

Everybody knows my wrong haired prancy double
Helps to scare my fans with fright
Alien pods with their eyes all aglow
Will make it hard to sleep tonight

I know that Mulder's on his way
He's got his cell phone and flashlight in his sleigh
And the Smoking Man is gonna spy
To see if Mulder and I finally decide to get wild

And so I'm offering this simple wish
To Chris Carter and 1013 too
Although it's been said many times, many ways
Get off your ass and get me a desk too

We Lone Gunmen
To the tune of "We Three Kings"
by Bryn

We Lone Gunmen, company three
Government's a conspiracy
Phone taps, spying, perhaps lying
Helped by technology

Silent heroes, men unsung
Don't mind handcuffs picked with tongue
Pros at wooing, best kung fu-ing
On the job when Scully's stung

Byers wears a suit and sad face
Frohike in vests is encased
Langly's "cutie" -- stooges? hardly
Check out their happ'ning place


Have Yourself a Healthy Dose of Scully
To the tune of "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas"
by Bryn

Have yourself a healthy dose of Scully
Try some every night
Cause we know
The truth is there and she is right

Have yourself a healthy dose of Scully
Pick your favorite ep
Can't decide?
Why not the one where you first wept?

How's about season seven shows
Darn well-written shows and then
Gripping scenes for the Blessed One
(Now don't perv that, hon) Amen.

Six years later, she just keeps on growing
Kicking ass and how
Watching her, you can't help but sigh and say wow
So have yourself a healthy dose of Scully now.

O Little White and Wet T-Shirt
To the tune of "O Little Town of Bethlehem"
by Bryn

O little white and wet t-shirt
How tight you cling right there
So snug against our St. Scully
The One of Perfect Hair
Yet in the next scene lurketh
A spectre in beige clad
No! Pushup bra in Africa
Yes, that would make us glad.

For red suits and your scrubs we like
Though black is nice and chic
It doesn't make the same impact
When worn every freaking week
And lo I pause in worship
All hail the four-inch heels!
So sure to please in tiny tees
Can we say "sex appeal"?!


          by Sister Cerulean

Good day, Sibleren.  As a part of my contractual obligation to spread holiday freaking cheer every where I go, I've come here today for a demonstration on how to create some lovely, cameo-like, Scullycentric X-mas ornaments on a $5-in-quarters-that-you-stole-from-your-parent/ spouse/kid/whatever-while-they-weren't-looking budget.  (And, keep in mind, half of that will have to go for Tic-Tacs.) Anyways, consider this an exercise in rediscovering your hatred of Martha Stewart. 

You will need:

  • Some old ornamental bulbs that you forget to throw out every Christmas
  • Flat black spray paint (Why black?  Because there's already a can of it in the utility room!) 
  • Old newspapers
  • Clothespins
  • Glitter glue
  • A pair of scissors
  • Rubber Cement
  • A BIG, HONKIN' Exacto-Knife
  • 3 or more Latex Gloves (Why 3?  All in good time, my dear.)
  • Your favorite pictures of Scully 
Let's start with the bulbs. Take the hooks and fasteners off of the top of the bulbs.  Clean any dirt or old glitter off and smooth any uneven surfaces.  Now, here's where the extra gloves come in.  Stuff the glove inside the bulb, leaving the opening - the part where you put your hand in - hanging out. Carefully blow the glove up just enough to keep it from pulling out and tie the end off.  (Oh, sure, you could substitute a balloon for the glove if you
wanted to, but it's best to use what's on hand.  And after all, as Scullyists, we should all have a little of the latex lying around the house anyway.)

Go outside (or into a very well-ventilated room) and lay some newspaper down under where you'll be spraying the paint.  Find somewhere to hang the bulbs to dry (a clothesline is a good bet; I used a decaying child-sized basketball hoop myself) and put some newspaper under there too.  Slap on some latex.  Hold each bulb by the glove end and twirl it around to paint all sides.  (I see a red bulb and I want it painted black.) Oh, sure, the directions say to hold the object at least 12 inches away while you spray it, but who has time for that?  Just shake the bulbs a little to get the excess off and avoid showing people the ornament's underside.  Pay no attention to the neighbors who are peeking over the fence at you.  They're only taking their little notes.  Now, pin the bulbs up by the glove/balloon ends with the clothespins.  Watch choice scenes from "The 6th Extinction" and "Amor Fati" a couple dozen times while you wait for the paint to dry.  After the proper time has elapsed, take the bulbs down from the clothesline/ basketball hoop. Snip off the glove ends and carefully pull them out of the bulbs.  Dispose of the gloves in the proper receptacle, out of reach of small children, pets, and neighbors who pry (and collect evidence).

Now for the pictures.  Go online and find all your favorite pictures of Scully.  Print them out and cut them out in whatever shape you like (I chose oval, because I was shooting for that cameo look). In an attempt to keep the pictures in a straight line <snort>, use a pencil to mark where you'll put them on the bulb.  Worry, like a good little hypochondriac, for a while about mixing the chemicals from spray paint with those from rubber cement, until you remember you've done it once before and you haven't died yet.  Put about three or four pictures on before you remember that old art class trick of putting the cement on both surfaces and letting them dry somewhat before pressing them together, which creates a stronger bond.  Don't worry about how the pictures are slightly creased.  That's what happens when you glue something flat onto a round surface.  Deal with it.

Ah, glitter glue, the ultimate catalyst of fear.  All those namby-pamby art classes should come in handy now.  But first, you have to get the nonmoviewording shrink-wrap off of the nonmoviewording glitter glue bottles you just bought with the other half of your budget. Here's where the BIG, HONKIN' Exacto-Knife comes in.  Sure, maybe it is a little like taking a jackhammer to soft butter, but it makes you feel better, dammit!  Cackle madly as you slice through the hewpwess widdle shwink-wrap.  How do you like them apples, huh, shrink-wrap?!?  [Pause as the author composes herself.] Moving on.... Go around the pictures with the glitter glue to cover up the edges.  Curse frequently.  No, don't hold back.  Your children will have to learn about those things eventually, and isn't it better that they learn them from you instead of on the playground.  Let the glue dry for a while.  Eat some Tic-Tacs.  Take a nap.  You've earned it.

Now, it looks a bit sparse with just the picture, so you'll have to spruce it up a bit with some extra designs.  This is the perfect time for some X-Files X's.  They are simply made for glitter glue.  It's almost impossible to mess them up!  (But don't worry, you'll figure out a way...) You can try other designs too, if that's what you really want, but all that will do is succeed in reminding you of why you never really like art class in the first place.  Crosses are extra credit. And it's best to do all this in stages, so that you don't smudge the glue.  Draw some X's.  Eat some cheese.  Draw some lines.  Watch "Bad Blood."  Draw some Curly-Qs.  Read your list mail.  You get the idea.  And before you know it--voila!--you're finished.  Now all you need is a tree.

Well, my work here is done.  Have a Merry Freaking Christmas! 








Poll Results

Many of this month's poll results were, well, a little on the MC content side (yes, it's hard to imagine)  to publish here, but everyone made excellent use of their new scientific terms, PANSPERMIA and SOUTHERN BLOT.  Here are a few of the captions provided, and don't forget to check out the Psychic!Scully winner from last month at the bottom....

"Mulder, I'm here to blot your southern."

Sister Jessica aka Cornflake Girl:
"You know, Fox, you'll never be able to prove the panspermia theory.  I have no faith in you anymore.  I'm going to go jump off the Brooklyn Bridge."

"My my that a Panspermia under that sheet, or are you happy to see me?" 

Minor Shannon:
"I'd give you a Southern Blot, my Hooterlicious Hottie, but my Panspermia seems to be distracted."

Sister Debbie V.:
"Oh Mulder, you were wonderful.  Whoops, you have a little panspermia on your cheek.  Here, let me southern blot that off for you."

Beth Garis:
"I'm sorry, Mulder. Being crucified for spreading the Gospel of Panspermia does not elevate you to sainthood. At least that's what the OBSSEs'ed folks say."

Sister Angie:

Sister Steph:
"Fox, as you lie here, prone to the world, I can't help but notice the symbolism of this cross-type dealy you're strapped to.  You'd look positively Christ-like, if it weren't for your self-centered and self-serving ideals.  But who am I to judge?  Anyway, if I ever catch you trying to be a religious figure again, I'll kick you right in your Southern Blot." 

Sister Cyranetta:
"Mulder, why are you wasting my time playing these extreme submissive games when all I wanted was a little contribution of your DNA for my panspermia project?"

Brother Ramjet:
"Mulder, you're showing the swelling associated with a build up of panspermia, and the doctors have asked me to help you out."

Sister Glasses:
"Mulder, with this kind of Panspermia, if you had to do without your perv toy for a minute, you'd lapse into catatonic schizophrenia. Oh, hell, you just did."

Sister Starrbuck:
"I've had some cheap dates in my time, Mulder, but I had no idea you were unable to control your panspermia."

Princess Lauren:
"Dammit, Mulder, your panspermia left a Southern Blot on my favorite suit!"

Sister X-Lydia:
"Thanks to Scully's Southern Blot test which showed that Mulder's and Fowley's DNA did not match, he knew Fowley was lying when she said 'Fox, I am your father.  Join me and we shall rule the galaxy together as father and son.' "

"Crucified again, my little martyr? Oh, let me wipe this little BLOT that's traveled in a SOUTHERN direction."

Sister Molly:
"Southern blot, my ass," Mulder screamed inside his head. "I can tell a hawk from a handsaw..."

Psychic!Scully Winner!

Remember we said we'd announce the the pollster who came closest in his or her Psychic!Scully abilities to make the closest predictions for the season premiere?  Well as it turns out, Sister Janelle the Delicate (and sorta psychic!) One was the closest, tipping the scales in her favor with clever use of the disclaimer, "whatever."  Well done, Janelle!

"I think that Scully will pick up the small piece of the Clue, call in a multinational but secret (think Rainbow 6) scientific response team, while she rushes to Mulder's side with the piece of the Clue which restores him to sanity.  Or whatever."

Scully Scones
courtesy of Sister Kristin and Julia Child, an X-File in her own right.

3 cups all purpose flour
1/3 cup sugar
2 1/2 tsp baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 1/2 sticks (6 oz.) cold unsalted butter, cut into small pieces
1 cup (approximately) buttermilk*
1 tbsp grated orange or lemon zest
*If you don't have or like buttermilk, use 1 cup of regular milk and add
1 tablespoon of lemon juice to it.

1/2 stick (2 oz.) unsalted butter, melted for brushing
1/4 cup sugar, for dusting

4 tbsp jam or jelly and/or 4 tbsp diced or small plump dried fruits

Position the oven racks to divide the oven into thirds and preheat the oven to 425 degrees Fahrenheit.

MIXING and KNEADING In a medium bowl, stir the flour, sugar, baking powder, baking soda, and salt together with a fork.  Add the cold butter pieces and, using your fingertips (the first choice), a pastry blender, or two knives, work the butter into the dry ingredients until the mixture resembles coarse cornmeal.  It's okay if some largish pieces of butter remain - they'll add to the scones' flakiness. Pour in 1 cup buttermilk, toss in the zest, and mix with the fork only until the ingredients are just moistened - you'll have a soft dough with a rough look.  (If the dough looks dry, add another tablespoon of buttermilk.)  Gather the dough into a ball, pressing it gently so that it holds together, turn it out onto a lightly floured work surface, and knead it very briefly - a dozen turns should do it.  Cut the dough in half.

TO MAKE ROLLED SCONES, roll one piece of dough into a strip that is 12 inches long and 1/2 inch thick (the piece will not be very wide.) 
Spread the strip with half of the melted butter and dust with half the sugar.  If you want to spread the roll with jam or jelly and/or sprinkle
it with dried fruits, now's the time to do so; leave a narrow border on
a long edge bare.  Roll the strip up from a long side like a jelly roll;
pinch the seam closed and turned the roll seam side down.  Cut the roll in half and cut each piece into six one-inch wide roll-ups.  Place the rolled scones cut side down on an ungreased baking sheet, leaving a little space between each one.  Repeat with remaining dough. 

TO MAKE TRIANGULAR SHAPED SCONES, roll one piece of the dough into a 1/2 inch thick circle that is about 7 inches across. Brush the dough with half of the melted butter, sprinkle with 2 tablespoons of the sugar, and cut the circle into 6 triangles.  Place the scones on an ungreased
baking sheet and set aside while you roll out the rest of the dough.

BAKING THE SCONES  - Bake the scones for 10-12 minutes, until both the tops and bottoms are golden.  Transfer the scones to a rack to cool slightly.  These are best served warm but are just fine at room temperature.

STORING - If you're not going to eat the scones the day they are made, wrap them airtight and freeze; they'll stay fresh for a month.  To serve, defrost the scones at room temperature in their wrappers, then unwrap and reheat on a baking sheet for 5 minutes in a 350 degree
Fahrenheit oven.


Well, apparently FOX took my advice and finally updated the X-Files website. The good news is that they actually have up to date information about upcoming episodes and the like for the first time in what seems like years. The bad news is that the site, well, sucks from a design perspective while bombarding you with ads. I guess they still don't think they are making enough money off of the show. Or perhaps the ads are there to help pay for Duchovny's lawsuit. Who knows.

So, here is the latest episode schedule. You know the drill by now. FOX likes to change its mind, in fact the date for Orison has changed so many times now let's just say it airs sometime this month ...

Dec 5 -Rush(7X06) W:Amman D:Lieberman
Dec 12-The Goldberg Variation(7X02) W:Bell D:Wright
Dec 19-Orison(7X07) W:Johannessen D:Bowman
Dec 26-How the Ghosts Stole Christmas (Repeat)
Jan 2 -Repeat
Jan 9 -The Amazing Maleeni(7X08)
       W:Spotnitz&Gilligan&Shiban D:Wright
Jan 16-Signs and Wonders(7X09)W:Bell D:Manners
Jan 23-Repeat 
Jan 30-Repeat
Feb 6 -Sein Und Zeit(7X10)Part 1 of 2
       W:Carter&Spotnitz D:Watkins
Feb 13-Sein Und Zeit:Aliatope(7X11)Part 2 of 2
       W:Carter&Spotnitz D:Manners
Feb 20-Untitled(7X12)W:Gilligan
Feb 27-Untitled(7X13)W:William Gibson
I guess the boys at 1013 have officially grown tired of coming up with new names for part 2 of episodes. After Redux and The Sixth Extinction I guess Sein Und Zeit should not be a surprise.

As Sein Und Zeit:Aliatope marks the series 150th episode, let's hope it is something special since it is the last landmark episode they will celebrate.

Also, an interesting note on episode 12. The official site hints that "Mulder and Scully accidentally get mixed up with Bad Boys" and then asks "Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?" making me hope that 1013 is finally letting Vince write the COPS version of The X-Files he's always wanted to do. How funny could that be?

Other dates you may want to keep in mind for the future as the winter awards season kicks in are January 23rd for the Golden Globes (nominations announced December 20th) and March 12th for the Screen Actor's Guild (nominations announced February 1st).

For you Morgan and Wong fans out there they are hard at work on a mid season Dreamworks produced replacement series for NBC called The Others. It's a new drama about mediums, seers and others with the currently hot "sixth sense,'' and will debut in February. 

And finally for those of you out there with DVD players (and if you don't have one this is a fine reason to ask for one for Christmas) there is news that ALL of season one will be released in box set format on May 16th. The DVDs feature introductions by Chris Carter, FX 'Behind the Truth" segments, a preview for each episode, and interactive DVD-ROM games. Retail price is currently listed at $149.95, but there are already some sites such as DVDepot offering preorders at 99 bucks.