the OBSSEsed - continued
Issue No. 30, December 1999
by Minor Shannon
Now, you may be saying to yourself, "Self,
every year, it's the same old thing: a merry little Christmas, open gifts,
see relatives, have Auntie
First off, find the nearest mall and ask
Santa for plenty of push-up bras (hey, he's got an industrial factory).
After all, you just can't have enough for
Okay, so you've got your gifts all lined
up. Now what about those pesky holiday parties. Black is a great fashion
statement for spreading cheer. Find yourself a nice corner and stay there.
Sulking and holiday spirit
What says "Feliz Navidad" better than having the beejees scared out of you on Christmas Eve, hm? Pull on your favorite weasel pelt wig and revisit ghosts of Christmas past in that abandoned boy scout haunted house left over from Halloween. Oh, and don't forget the white blouse over that black bra. It's perfect to draw the attention of the armed crack addicts and crazy old men camped out underneath the plasterboard sarcophagus. Remember to scream "I'm armed!" several times so as to let them know not to mess with you and that great white shirt.
After that excursion you, your reclinable bed (as seen on TV!) and Dick Clark should have a spectacular time ringing in the New Year with whichever Rent-A-Kringle is sleeping it off that night in the next gurney over. Here's hoping your heart monitor is Y2K compliant!
(Note: These activities can apply to any gathering, no matter the denomination, just as long as sleeping caps from the 7 Dwarves gift shop and stealing your partner's keys are NOT part of the equation.)
Along with Sisters Jez, Squat, Scooby and Bryn
Fare Thee Well,
Say farewell to Diana Fowley;
Every season there must be a person
Also gone is our dear Albert Hosteen.
We know you that you were with her in spirit,
Deep Throat, he came back to surprise us.
Does a Manicured Man somehow remain,
A Christmas Filk
Elders roasting in a bon fire
Everybody knows my wrong haired prancy
I know that Mulder's on his way
And so I'm offering this simple wish
We Lone Gunmen
We Lone Gunmen, company three
Byers wears a suit and sad face
a Healthy Dose of Scully
Have yourself a healthy dose of Scully
Have yourself a healthy dose of Scully
How's about season seven shows
Six years later, she just keeps on growing
O Little White
and Wet T-Shirt
O little white and wet t-shirt
For red suits and your scrubs we like
by Sister Cerulean
Good day, Sibleren. As a part of my contractual obligation to spread holiday freaking cheer every where I go, I've come here today for a demonstration on how to create some lovely, cameo-like, Scullycentric X-mas ornaments on a $5-in-quarters-that-you-stole-from-your-parent/ spouse/kid/whatever-while-they-weren't-looking budget. (And, keep in mind, half of that will have to go for Tic-Tacs.) Anyways, consider this an exercise in rediscovering your hatred of Martha Stewart.
You will need:
wanted to, but it's best to use what's on hand. And after all, as Scullyists, we should all have a little of the latex lying around the house anyway.)
Go outside (or into a very well-ventilated room) and lay some newspaper down under where you'll be spraying the paint. Find somewhere to hang the bulbs to dry (a clothesline is a good bet; I used a decaying child-sized basketball hoop myself) and put some newspaper under there too. Slap on some latex. Hold each bulb by the glove end and twirl it around to paint all sides. (I see a red bulb and I want it painted black.) Oh, sure, the directions say to hold the object at least 12 inches away while you spray it, but who has time for that? Just shake the bulbs a little to get the excess off and avoid showing people the ornament's underside. Pay no attention to the neighbors who are peeking over the fence at you. They're only taking their little notes. Now, pin the bulbs up by the glove/balloon ends with the clothespins. Watch choice scenes from "The 6th Extinction" and "Amor Fati" a couple dozen times while you wait for the paint to dry. After the proper time has elapsed, take the bulbs down from the clothesline/ basketball hoop. Snip off the glove ends and carefully pull them out of the bulbs. Dispose of the gloves in the proper receptacle, out of reach of small children, pets, and neighbors who pry (and collect evidence).
Now for the pictures. Go online and find all your favorite pictures of Scully. Print them out and cut them out in whatever shape you like (I chose oval, because I was shooting for that cameo look). In an attempt to keep the pictures in a straight line <snort>, use a pencil to mark where you'll put them on the bulb. Worry, like a good little hypochondriac, for a while about mixing the chemicals from spray paint with those from rubber cement, until you remember you've done it once before and you haven't died yet. Put about three or four pictures on before you remember that old art class trick of putting the cement on both surfaces and letting them dry somewhat before pressing them together, which creates a stronger bond. Don't worry about how the pictures are slightly creased. That's what happens when you glue something flat onto a round surface. Deal with it.
Ah, glitter glue, the ultimate catalyst of fear. All those namby-pamby art classes should come in handy now. But first, you have to get the nonmoviewording shrink-wrap off of the nonmoviewording glitter glue bottles you just bought with the other half of your budget. Here's where the BIG, HONKIN' Exacto-Knife comes in. Sure, maybe it is a little like taking a jackhammer to soft butter, but it makes you feel better, dammit! Cackle madly as you slice through the hewpwess widdle shwink-wrap. How do you like them apples, huh, shrink-wrap?!? [Pause as the author composes herself.] Moving on.... Go around the pictures with the glitter glue to cover up the edges. Curse frequently. No, don't hold back. Your children will have to learn about those things eventually, and isn't it better that they learn them from you instead of on the playground. Let the glue dry for a while. Eat some Tic-Tacs. Take a nap. You've earned it.
Now, it looks a bit sparse with just the picture, so you'll have to spruce it up a bit with some extra designs. This is the perfect time for some X-Files X's. They are simply made for glitter glue. It's almost impossible to mess them up! (But don't worry, you'll figure out a way...) You can try other designs too, if that's what you really want, but all that will do is succeed in reminding you of why you never really like art class in the first place. Crosses are extra credit. And it's best to do all this in stages, so that you don't smudge the glue. Draw some X's. Eat some cheese. Draw some lines. Watch "Bad Blood." Draw some Curly-Qs. Read your list mail. You get the idea. And before you know it--voila!--you're finished. Now all you need is a tree.
Well, my work here is done. Have a Merry Freaking Christmas!
Many of this month's poll results were, well, a little on the MC content side (yes, it's hard to imagine) to publish here, but everyone made excellent use of their new scientific terms, PANSPERMIA and SOUTHERN BLOT. Here are a few of the captions provided, and don't forget to check out the Psychic!Scully winner from last month at the bottom....
Sister Jessica aka Cornflake Girl:
Sister Debbie V.:
Remember we said we'd announce the the pollster who came closest in his or her Psychic!Scully abilities to make the closest predictions for the season premiere? Well as it turns out, Sister Janelle the Delicate (and sorta psychic!) One was the closest, tipping the scales in her favor with clever use of the disclaimer, "whatever." Well done, Janelle!
"I think that Scully will pick up the small piece of the Clue, call in a multinational but secret (think Rainbow 6) scientific response team, while she rushes to Mulder's side with the piece of the Clue which restores him to sanity. Or whatever."
courtesy of Sister Kristin and Julia Child, an X-File in her own right.
all purpose flour
stick (2 oz.) unsalted butter, melted for brushing
4 tbsp jam or jelly and/or 4 tbsp diced or small plump dried fruits
Position the oven racks to divide the oven into thirds and preheat the oven to 425 degrees Fahrenheit.
MIXING and KNEADING In a medium bowl, stir the flour, sugar, baking powder, baking soda, and salt together with a fork. Add the cold butter pieces and, using your fingertips (the first choice), a pastry blender, or two knives, work the butter into the dry ingredients until the mixture resembles coarse cornmeal. It's okay if some largish pieces of butter remain - they'll add to the scones' flakiness. Pour in 1 cup buttermilk, toss in the zest, and mix with the fork only until the ingredients are just moistened - you'll have a soft dough with a rough look. (If the dough looks dry, add another tablespoon of buttermilk.) Gather the dough into a ball, pressing it gently so that it holds together, turn it out onto a lightly floured work surface, and knead it very briefly - a dozen turns should do it. Cut the dough in half.
MAKE ROLLED SCONES, roll one piece of dough into a strip that is 12 inches
long and 1/2 inch thick (the piece will not be very wide.)
MAKE TRIANGULAR SHAPED SCONES, roll one piece of the dough into a 1/2 inch
thick circle that is about 7 inches across. Brush the dough with half of
the melted butter, sprinkle with 2 tablespoons of the sugar, and cut the
circle into 6 triangles. Place the scones on an ungreased
BAKING THE SCONES - Bake the scones for 10-12 minutes, until both the tops and bottoms are golden. Transfer the scones to a rack to cool slightly. These are best served warm but are just fine at room temperature.
- If you're not going to eat the scones the day they are made, wrap them
airtight and freeze; they'll stay fresh for a month. To serve, defrost
the scones at room temperature in their wrappers, then unwrap and reheat
on a baking sheet for 5 minutes in a 350 degree
Well, apparently FOX took my advice and finally updated the X-Files website. The good news is that they actually have up to date information about upcoming episodes and the like for the first time in what seems like years. The bad news is that the site, well, sucks from a design perspective while bombarding you with ads. I guess they still don't think they are making enough money off of the show. Or perhaps the ads are there to help pay for Duchovny's lawsuit. Who knows.
So, here is the latest episode schedule. You know the drill by now. FOX likes to change its mind, in fact the date for Orison has changed so many times now let's just say it airs sometime this month ...
Dec 5 -Rush(7X06) W:Amman D:LiebermanI guess the boys at 1013 have officially grown tired of coming up with new names for part 2 of episodes. After Redux and The Sixth Extinction I guess Sein Und Zeit should not be a surprise.
As Sein Und Zeit:Aliatope marks the series 150th episode, let's hope it is something special since it is the last landmark episode they will celebrate.
Also, an interesting note on episode 12. The official site hints that "Mulder and Scully accidentally get mixed up with Bad Boys" and then asks "Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?" making me hope that 1013 is finally letting Vince write the COPS version of The X-Files he's always wanted to do. How funny could that be?
Other dates you may want to keep in mind for the future as the winter awards season kicks in are January 23rd for the Golden Globes (nominations announced December 20th) and March 12th for the Screen Actor's Guild (nominations announced February 1st).
For you Morgan and Wong fans out there they are hard at work on a mid season Dreamworks produced replacement series for NBC called The Others. It's a new drama about mediums, seers and others with the currently hot "sixth sense,'' and will debut in February.
And finally for those of you out there with DVD players (and if you don't have one this is a fine reason to ask for one for Christmas) there is news that ALL of season one will be released in box set format on May 16th. The DVDs feature introductions by Chris Carter, FX 'Behind the Truth" segments, a preview for each episode, and interactive DVD-ROM games. Retail price is currently listed at $149.95, but there are already some sites such as DVDepot offering preorders at 99 bucks.