Issue No. 30, December 1999
Now that we know that the world doesn't come to an end, it's time to spread a little Scullyistic holiday cheer -- and what better way to celebrate than with our special holiday edition?

Put on that black pantsuit, pull up a chair in the corner, and prepare to have your pout turned right side up by some of this month's contributors:

  • Squat, Jezebel (who can forget last year's cheerful refrain, "Ova, ova, ova!" and God knows we've tried), Scooby and Bryn team up to provide carols for yuletide gatherings
  • Sister Beer and Nanchita engage in a Battle of the Snack Platters
  • Jill Selby has a very special gift for the Abbey in honor of the season that is sure to put you in a holiday mood
  • Cathy B and Mindy wax poetic with a great gift idea, no matter where you keep your refrigerator
  • Scully receives the perfect gift in a beautiful little story written by Pilgrim
  • Aderyn snaps on the latex to create action figure angels
  • Sister Cerulean makes nifty Scully Ornaments in 48 easy steps involving a basketball hoop
  • The scary MN nuns report on their premiere party
  • Sister Autumn explains Scullyvision
  • The Abbey's ffavorite ffamily, the FFs, turn in their annual newsletter from hell
  • and so much more than you can stuff a stocking with -- including news, updates, musings, advice, Karatoons, and offerings from our regular columnists -- Autumn, Squat, and Lens (who was not allowed to write about the blazing hot probe even if it is the season for giving).
Many, many thanks to all our writers, contributors, and artists who made this issue a special joy to work on.   Wherever, however you celebrate this month, may the spirit of St. Scully shine upon you.  Happy Holidays!

Paula R
Autumn Tysko

D E S I G N   &   G R A P H I C S

C O N T R I B U T O R S   t o  No. 30
Sister Beer
Jill Selby
Nancy FF
Sister Boris
Sister Swoodsie
Sister Adrianne
Sister Kirby
Sister Cathy B
Sister Mindy
Sister Beth
Sister Leah
Minor Shannon
Sister Cerulean
Sister Aderyn
Sister Kristin B
Sister Lens-of-Science
Kara Zod
Sister SpicedRum
Sister Squat
Sister Jezebel
Sister Jean
Sister Wildkat
Sister Emma
Sister Bryn
Thanks to Haven for image assistance

News for the OBSSEsed is a monthly publication of The Order of the Blessed St. Scully the Enigmatic
by Sister Autumn
I love the holiday season. At this time when we are supposed to reflect on and be thankful for the things that we have allow me to say how thankful I am for all of you. Thanks to everyone that makes the OBSSE the twisted and hilarious community that it is. Now join me in the Abbey lounge. I hear Bryn is on the piano doing very special Christmas carols. With the boa.

This Month's Abbey Bricks

Donations for the Abbey upkeep are still trickling in. Many thanks to Rania, Irene, Ant, Twee and BeeJay for their support of the Abbey. 

NF, Inc. Thanks the OBSSE

The latest edition of the NF Inc. newsletter NF Ink has a special mention of the OBSSE Scully Marathons fundraiser. It thanks our organization and our hardworking national coordinator for heading up the effort. You can read it yourself in the latest edition.

OBSSE Picks the Lineup for Scully Marathon Y2K

The votes are in and the decisions have been made. We're now ready to unveil the spectacular lineup of episodes for the Second Annual OBSSE Scully Marathon: Scully Marathon Y2K. Last year the OBSSE raised over $13,000 for Gillian's favorite charity and hopes to raise even more this May by watching twelve wonderful Scullycentric episodes.

This year over 160 OBSSE list members voted for their favorite episodes to be featured during "Scully Marathon Y2K." We also voted for the 12 worst episodes ever, aptly called a "Fowlathon." Somehow we doubt many folks will be watching that line up.

A special thanks to Brother Dave Fox for once again tallying up the votes with style and Sister La.. for the beautiful site honoring the best of The Blessed One.

We'll have more news on this year's marathon locations and dates in the spring.

Shopping for Charity

Sister Esther has come up with a way that the members of the Abbey can shop online and benefit NF Inc. at the same time. The website now has an account set up for donations to Ms. Anderson's favorite charity. Basically, when you shop starting from that URL, each company has designated a certain percent of what you spend to be sent to your charity. The percentages are between .5 - 15%, but they track them, add them up, and cut a check any time the amount goes above ten dollars. It's an easy and painless way to donate. So start shopping already.



By Sister Beer

At some point during this holiday season, we're all going to have to host a few non-OBSSE guests. I'm here to help you all get your party platters in order--all without getting anything on that lovely black ensemble you've no doubt already laid out for the season.

~ The Cheese Tray ~

Oh come on. Did you really think I would have started with anything else?

The biggest problem people seem to have when planning a cheese tray is knowing how much cheese to buy. Stick with the 2 oz per person guideline-- it sounds like a minuscule amount, but trust me, it really works. As for cheese selection, keep it simple. There are two main schools of thought: If you want variety, go with three distinctly different types: blues, cheddars and swiss-styles OR bries, blues and aged types, etc. You can cover the spectrum with only three different cheeses. If, instead, you want to narrow your choices down to a specific cheese family, why not select three different examples of your chosen style? For example: a brie tray might consist of Edel d' Cleron, St. Andre and Brie de Meaux. A blue tray might include Valdeon, Cambozola and Gorgonzola. All are the same types, but are very different from each other. If you feel the urge to use more than 3 cheeses on your tray, go ahead...but instead, why not add olives or mixed nuts and dried fruits as accompaniments?

~ The Antipasta Platter ~

Far more interesting than just your everyday cheese platter (you have no idea how hard it was to just say that.) Start with a large platter lined with romaine lettuce or kale leaves. Assemble various savory items such as: roasted red or yellow pepper strips, marinated artichoke hearts, olives (drained of the brine and lightly tossed in a high quality olive oil with cracked black pepper) marinated mushrooms, anchovies (for you die hard Mediterranean nuns) or at least white tuna packed in olive oil (think Progresso brand here,) thinly sliced prosciutto or serrano ham, a hard grating type cheese like Parmigiano Reggiano or Manchego--kept in a whole piece, not grated--is also a nice touch. Lay your items out with consideration towards color and texture. Platters should be a feast for the eyes as well as the stomach.

Finally, I'd just like to add a few suggestions, a few nice little touches that often go overlooked but really get noticed when you do them: skip the crackers and go for the bread. If you have an authentic bread bakery nearby, become a patron. Look for their crusty loaves--thin, round, whatever you can get your hands on. The baguette or batard type (long loaves) are the easiest to work with--just slice them into 1/2 slices and place in a basket near your party platter. Trust me, anything you serve will go so much better with bread. Yes, even that horrid grocery store loaf will work--just put it in the oven to harden the crust a bit first.  My second suggestion is: serve wine. So many people out there swear that they just don't like wine (or beer, actually.) The truth of the matter is: you just haven't met the wine or beer you like. Trust me. It's out there. Many wines, when tasted alone, can be harsh or strong tasting...but try it after a bite of Manchego or an olive or two and you'll be amazed at the transformation. Wine was meant to be drunk with food.

You Call That a Holiday Party Platter?
By Nanchita

(Editor's Note: While Sister Beer may be a professional at this, our own Nanchita is still the Abbey Snack Warrior Princess. Here are her comments.)

Beer, you ignorant cheese slut... you have completely neglected the canned cheese and cheese food categories for which 2 oz per person is never enough. Cheese slices are also easy to manage with low fat American always good for those on a diet (plus they come individually wrapped so toothpicks are not necessary). See my velveeta queso recipe in the June 99 newsletter for a REAL cheesy treat.

Personally, I have never found anything wrong with pasta, but if you are against it as it appears Sister Beer is, I too can make a few tasty suggestions. Vienna sausages always make for a special treat with a European flair. Those Viennese really know how to live right. If you want something from a more domestic cuisine, then you can always make those delicious bologna rollups that are so popular at the FF family tower.

Skip the crackers? I think we all know everything tastes better on a Ritz.

Really Beer. I don't think you need to be convincing anyone in THIS order to serve drinks. Though I think MY Scullyrita recipe would be better for the holidays. It has a festive red color already and you can use green food coloring on the salt for a special touch.

The Holiday Gift that Keeps on Giving:

By Sister Cathy B and Mindy

Looking for a gift for your favorite nun this holiday season? Or are you
searching for something to help you channel your deep love for TBO into
pithy and melodic phrases? Either way, I think I can help you out. Settle yourself down by the fire with some hot chocolate and a cheese log and get ready to make Scullyistic Magnetic Poetry.

What is Scullyistic Magnetic Poetry? Well, it's a lot like regular Magnetic Poetry, only with Scully-related words mixed in. Magnetic Poetry is a little box full of magnetic words that stick to your fridge, filing cabinet, Ford Taurus, half-submerged spaceship, neck (in certain cases), or any other metal surface onto which you care to put them. The standard Magnetic Poetry Kit comes with useful words like from, who, and I; suffixes like y, s, and ed; and "poetic" words like symphony, languid, beauty, garden, and so on. Unfortunately, they've left out many of the words that stir the poetic muses of Scullyists: latex, obfuscate, fine, bleep, bee pollen, lard, SOOSB, wild berries, and (of course) Scully.

Well, fear not - Sister Mindy and I have solved that little problem for you. With the Scullyistic Magnetic Poetry Kit, you can wax poetic to your heart's content over She Who Threatens Jeeps With a Machete. Just follow the easy steps outlined below to make your own personalized set of words.

I recommend using Scullyistic Magnetic Poetry with a standard Magnetic
Poetry Kit. If you don't, you'll probably find that you have plenty of Scully words but have to keep going back to make words like a, the, it, etc. In addition, you'll find even the less general regular words many times more inspiring when they're mixed with Scully words - words like forest, drive, drool, and so forth suddenly take on new meaning when viewed in a Scullyistic light. Magnetic Poetry Kits retail for $19.95 and are available at a bookstore or gift shop near you, or at their homepage.

You will need:

  • a computer (you've probably got one if you're reading this) with a word-processing program
  • a printer (preferably laser or laser-quality)
  • scissors
  • glue
  • magnetic strips (you can buy these at a craft store for around a dollar a roll - the original Magnetic Poetry Kit also comes with blank magnet strips, but trust me, you'll run out)
  • a Magnetic Poetry Kit (optional, but recommended)
1.  Select your Scullyistic words and type them, with a couple of spaces after each one, on your computer. The regular Magnetic Poetry words are in 20-point Times font, so use that if you're mixing your words with regular Magnetic Poetry. In keeping with the Magnetic Poetry style, don't capitalize words unless they're proper nouns.

2.  Print out the page.

3.  Cut your words out, making sure to leave a little bit of space on each end so the words will have spaces between them.

4.  If you're using the strips that came with the Magnetic Poetry Kit, spread glue (the stick kind works best) on the back of each word and place it on the strip. If you're using a magnet strip with a sticky backing, peel off the paper and stick the word to the strip. (If the strip you're using comes in a roll, I recommend laying it flat before you stick the words on, and doing each word individually, to avoid wrinkling.)

5.  Cut the strip to fit the word. If you're using a strip other than the ones that came with the Magnetic Poetry Kit, you might want to trim the top and/or bottom to match the height of the other words.

6.  Stick your words on the fridge and start composing! 

To get you started, I present a little poem Sister Mindy and I wrote. This poem is made up of words from the original kit and Scullyist words selected by us. Prepare to be moved:

I fell down a hole
in the rain and the mud
and the rain
ditched in my bleepin' pantsuit
a thousand prancy porno nurses
in UFOs from above
I did not cry for obfuscating egg liars
who moan with man pain
a road trip to the forest
you drooled on me in the car Scully
drive FBI punk

There you have it. If you have trouble getting the creative juices flowing, try some soft music or mood lighting. If you still feel like you're going in circles, or an endless line, try getting drunk and getting a tattoo. Happy holidays to all!

by Sister SpicedRum

Midway through Season 6, the members of the OBSSE mailing list started kicking around the idea of somehow thanking the Earthly Incarnation for her ever-inspiring portrayal of The Wielder of the Sacred Machete. Always known for my punctuality, I recently volunteered to head up this project, dubbed, for a number of inane reasons, Operation:  Crazy Quilt.

What exactly is Operation:  Crazy Quilt?

Basically it's a chance for you as a member of the OBSSE to express your gratitude to Ms. Anderson in the form of a brief letter or email message.  Or be creative.  Just make sure it's 1) respectful and 2) on a paper that's 8 1/2" x 11" in size.

We're hoping to be able to gather up all the 'thank yous' and package them in unique OBSSE fashion to send to Ms. Anderson before season's end.

Email or check out our website for further information as O:CQ progresses, or to volunteer to help out.

pickles (dill)
jello with fruit
chips and dip


1 1/2 lbs ground beef
2 cans cream of mushroom soup
1 soup can of milk
tater tots
1 can drained green beans
french fried onions (not Funyons)

Brown ground beef. Season lightly with salt and pepper. Mix soup, milk, and green beans. Stir well.
Layer meat and tater tots in a casserole dish. Cover with soup and beans mixture.

Bake at 350 degrees for 1 to 1 1/2 hours.

Sprinkle top with french fried onions during last 15 minutes of cooking.

So I sat down at the computer and said to myself, "Lens, you have a column to write.  You are not getting up to do anything else, until you define something, and make it funny, dammit."

And so I sat.


Got up, got a glass of wine, returned to the computer.

Still nothing.

Picked at my nail polish.

Debated whether I could get away with not turning this thing in for a few
more days, and realized that La... probably knows my address, so that was right out.



Fumed that this whole column thing seemed like a great idea when I was
chortling over the first column, but now that I have run out of terms containing the word "sperm" it's a hell of a lot harder.

Blamed Paula for getting me into this.

Sat.  Nothing, nothing nothing.  More nothing that I could shake a stick at.

Finally, I had had enough.  "Dammit!" I said to myself.  "I might as well be
reading EINSTEIN'S TWIN PARADOX for all that I know about scientific crap. --- heyyyyy.  EINSTEIN'S TWIN PARADOX!  I don't have the slightest clue what that is, and I bet most of them don't either."

So if you all already know what EINSTEIN'S TWIN PARADOX, is, I don't want to hear it.  Shut up, sit down and listen.  Dammit.


It's all about time.  And aging.  Two things I feel ever-more-equipped to
explain to all you Gen X, bellybutton piercing, damn-it's 2:30 am-I- better-make-this-my-last-beer-because-I-have-a-10 am-class... -Oh-hell- I'll-sleep-afterwards young whippersnappers. (Bitter, moi? Perish the thought.  Now pipe down and go get Granny some more bourbon.)

Where was I?  Oh, right, the TWIN PARADOX.  Anyway, EINSTEIN'S TWIN PARADOX deals with the idea that time isn't a universal invariant, that it's entirely subjective, and dependent upon one's frame of reference, and comparative speed.

No, really.  That part I didn't make up.

Let's give an example of the PARADOX in action.  Sister Nanchita and Sister Beer (for example) are waiting at the airport; they say their farewells as Beer boards an airplane, presumably to fetch a particularly exotic cheese for Nanchita's next snack platter, because god forbid anyone get hungry.  Ever. Time passes, and Beer returns (sadly sans cheese for some inexplicable reason, which is tragic, but ok in this example, as Einstein never dealt with the spatial and temporal properties of, say, a nice gouda) to where Nanchita has been waiting (reasonably) patiently. Upon her return, Beer and Nanchita are astonished to  discover that Nanchita has aged, yet Beer has not aged much at all.

(Me, I would have attributed this almost entirely to subhuman conditions at
your average airport, not to mention the poor liquor selection, but Einstein, living in the Golden Age of air travel, had a different idea.)

Einstein hypothesized that, although Nanchita and Beer (for example) both passed the same amount of actual time, Beer, due to her acceleration, changed to a different  (non-inertial) point of reference in time due to acceleration.  Acceleration changed her experience of time, in her case, making it go by more slowly.   (Well, acceleration and the in-flight magazine.  Both are equally important in making time crawl by, I find.) Time went by slowly, so Beer aged more slowly.   Nanchita, not accelerating, remained in the standard (inertial) frame of reference, and aged accordingly.  The PARADOX is that both nuns experienced the same, and different periods of time.

(There is also a way to look at the PARADOX that doesn't deal with acceleration at all, and inexplicably involves a third nun (we don't know who), and no cheese, but I didn't really follow that very well, so we're going to pretend that it doesn't exist, for the purposes of this column.)

Anyway, this whole spatial/temporal/gouda relativity thing, in my mind, explains the willful non-aging of Scully's mom, a point that has been of increasing interest to me over the last six years or so. Acceleration, space travel, alpha-hydroxyl....  It's got to be some combination of the three.

So there you go. EINSTEIN'S TWIN PARADOX, summed up in less than a thousand words.  Now I had better get started on next month's column.

Poll: Christmas Present For Scully?

It's the holiday season, and Agent Scully, noticing just how large her kitchen table actually is, decides to throw an impromptu party and invites you.  Naturally you don't want to show up at your favorite G-woman's soiree empty-handed, and it is the season for giving, yet there's no time to call Santa or Martha Stewart for advice.  What to bring?  (Remember, she's already got a machete and plenty of frequent flyer miles.)

Are you an OBSSE Member? YesNo

My holiday gift for Scully would be:

Karatoon by Kara Zod

"If I heard Silent Night one more time I was going to start taking hostages."

Oddly, the mail bag for this column was just a little thin this month. I can't imagine that the way I answer questions would possibly scare folks off, can you? Surely there are some of you that need certain things answered to face year Y2K. To send in your burning question just email me at Ask Sister Autumn.

Dear Sister Autumn who also has a connection with fish but whose fish are undoubtedly much prettier than mine,

I had just watched Milagro and was getting up off the couch to go to bed when suddenly this duck with red feathers flew through the window and stole my tape! I chased it and yelled at it and swore at it and threw things at it all around the room but it perched on the ceiling fan and looked at me and I SWEAR it raised an eyebrow. 

Then the most awful thing happened.  The duck ATE THE TAPE! That tape had Milagro, Monday, Arcadia, Two Fathers and One Son on it! Do you know how hard it is to get X-files episodes in Australia? They don't even show repeats anymore! 

With tears in my eyes I asked it, "Why did you eat my tape?" and it replied that it was the incarnation of Dana Scully as a duck and it ate the tape because it contained a Scullycentric episode which would increase its powers so that it could complete the incarnation. I saw it looking for more tapes so I quickly grabbed my tennis racquet and hit in on the head, rendering it unconscious.

I've got it in a refrigerator box now that I've sealed up with lots of plastic tape. What should I do with it? How will I get another tape?

Sister Hogfish


Wow. Sister Hogfish, I've often wondered just what sort of medication one can buy over the counter in Australia after reading your comments. Then again when I was in your part of the world I discovered in the capital city almost anything goes. No wonder you think my trout is "pretty" - God only knows what it looks like to you. 

I'm going to assume that there is some small semblance of truth in all this, but "Dear Autumn I goofed up something awful and as a result the VCR ate my one and only copy of fabulous Milagro" somehow just seemed pedestrian to someone that takes their name from the lachnolaimus maximus wrasse. Next time try the tried and true "the dingo ate my baby, er, tape." 

Look at it this way, the good news is by my calculations you also lost Two Fathers/One Son. Who says there is not a bright side to it all. I remember an evening not so long ago in the Abbey screening room where folks were actually trying to coax the VCR to eat the tape after the Lone Gunmen scene in One Son.

I do think I should mention that in these parts suggesting that a rather unpleasant duck is the incarnation of The Blessed One is not the wisest move one could make, and if it were bonking it on the head probably is not the right thing to do if you ever want to get another tape from one of the Sisters or Brothers here.

Oh, and ducks don't have eyebrows.

Dear She Who Wields That Which Feels Quite Stiff Even Though It Can Also Be Floppy And Wet:

I'm confused.  I thought it was all about Scully.  Her hair (especially when floofy), her clothes, her smile, her tongue slowly dragging across her lower lip...  um.  You get the idea.  Then, I heard that it is in fact all about you.  Now, I know you don't mislead anyone, and I know that being OBSSE means it's all about Scully.  So, does that mean that Scully is really all about you?  Or are you in fact Scully?

Please help.  I'm losing sleep over this.

Sister Krikkit


Hmm. I could answer that while I am a living person Scully lives only in our hearts. Or I could try to be my demure self and deny all knowledge of this rumor of things being all about me while the rest of the Abbey laughs. However, chances are after a few potent Scullyritas it may have slipped out while I was joking around with a few of the Sisters. Still, your questions have me curious. I wonder what it would be like if Scully is really all about me. Somehow I think that I really like that answer. Let's go with that one. That way maybe I can lose sleep over it too.

Dear She Whose Demurity Exceeds The Recommended Daily Allowance, in a Good Way:

I think I failed Our Saint on Monday.

I have been in search of new employment, and at the interview for the job that I truly wanted I was asked, "Who has been most influential in your life, and how?"  Naturally, sitting there in my charcoal suit with the long jacket, Right Haired and everything, She Of Impeccable Professionalism shone like a beacon in my nerve-wracked mind.  I smiled at Her and acknowledged, privately, Her importance in everything I do, including and especially the world of work.  But a black thought clouded my view of Her Lovely Visage:  would Scully answer this question with, "I have been most influenced by a fictitious character, in that I find great comfort and strength in this character's personal and professional demeanor?"  Aha--the fairly consistent efficacy of What Would Scully Do? has pitted me against Her Pantsuitedness.  And She lost.

I cleared my throat (some would say I "ahem-ed," but not I) and instead gave the name and impact of an instructor who, while greatly loved, holds a distant second to She Whose Paperwork I Am Not Fit To File.  So, technically, I lied.  Another thing Scully wouldn't do.

I think I was between a rock and a hard place, but I offer my confession to you.  Did I do the Right Thing?

Sister Phledge

P.S. -- I got the job.  If that makes any difference.

Phledge ...

First of all as it was a Monday perhaps you should be thankful that you did not have to relive this experience over and over again. Plus, as far as I can tell no one died.

Actually your behavior was Scullycentric to the extreme as you note. What would Scully do indeed... Frankly, I think She of the Tight Beachwear would be proud. Scully has demonstrated before that she is very aware of how certain things might sound just a little loco to authority figures and usually tempers her testimony appropriately. Take Folie a Deux for example when Scully answers "It was dark" instead of "Sir, I saw a giant ugly monster neck sucking bug skittering about the walls and ceiling of the room about to turn Agent Mulder into a zombie!"

As for the lying thing, well, while she may not like to lie or do it very well she has before for the right reasons. So, you just may be off the hook there too. While you may have failed to acknowledge St. Scully and her great impact on your life, your very actions exemplified that same impact in a different way. Let's call it a Catch-1013 situation and move on...

Dear Sister Autumn, who's seasonal namesake the English pop band
XTC says is royal as spring is clown, but to repaint summer, they're closing winter down (XTC lyrics from "Season Cycle" by Colin Moulding, "Skylarking" album, 1987),

Once again, this is Brother RJ with another question concerning the sanctimonious skeptical sexy sweetness of Saint Scully.

I recently introduced a certain X-Phile associate of mine to the Order's website, as we Brethren and Sistren should do in order to spread the True Wisdom of the Fantastical Fashionable Forensic Female Fed and she was quite impressed. But she mentioned something got me thinking and researching into the depths of Scullyist Lore.

First off, my friend is a practitioner of the Wiccan religion. No, she's NOT a Satan worSHIPPER (or a Shibanist, for that matter), she's actually a devotee of the very ancient European Pagan religion. Heck, she thinks Scully is truly beautiful in every way. But she had something that shook my Scullyist faith to the core, but not in a bad way. 

She wondered if The Blessed One actually is not just a saint, but in fact a goddess, due the fact Scully seemed more goddess like to her. Sure, the Incredible Bucolic Beauty of She Wields the Sacred Scalpel Of Truth is goddess like, but then she gave me the following factoid: 

Dana is an alternate spelling of Anu, the Celtic goddess of mercy, compassion, and healing in Irish pagan belief!!! 

Certainly, I was rather skeptical at this seeming wack-o statement, as all good Followers of The Blessed should be, but something deep within my heart drove me on find out the Truth. Perhaps the scientific leanings of St. Scully. Checking out some various texts on the subject, including my Dungeons & Dragons "Legends and Lore" book (which used the "Dana" spelling), I learned that this goddess was described as a young woman with "flame colored hair", eyes "of the clearest blue sky", and a voice "of sweetest honey". BOY, that's a pretty good description! After all, St. Scully IS of Irish descent, is truly merciful and compassionate (even to the likes of the Gruff Skinner, the Scruffy Frohike, and even the Ditching Punk), and is a fully-trained Medical Doctor! I also learned of Other Alternate spellings included Danu and Dana-ana. 

The priestesses of Dana ministered to the sick, tended the young, and comforted the dying. Hmmm, sure sounds like the compassion St. Scully gave to past Heroes of the Scully Saga like Pendrell or Clyde Bruckman or Missy, or even little Emily Simms. These priestesses also wore light blue robes (the eyes again!), and each wore around their necks an artifact called a  "torc" that was in fact that Tail-biting snake ring thingie that the Blessed on her sweet patootie.

As I explored these ancient legends, a numbing thought came to mind. How could ancient Celts know of the Blessed One in days before movable type, let alone TV or the Internet? Could St. Scully be the Modern Incarnation of this ancient Celtic Goddess? Or were those Druids just really good in the foresight department?

I fear that perhaps such speculation could in fact be contrived as "Pagan Blasphemy", so I have kept my research secret, well....until now. Should this information be further investigated to further to strengthen our belief or should it be put down as something "Brothers or Sisters were never meant to know"? Or at least some cute anecdote to impress the Mulderists?

I await your official word on this strange subject.

Yours in St. Scully,

Brother RJ, 

Who only used (3) Exclamation points this time.



My my how time flies.

It seems like it was just a mere 15 minutes ago that you last wrote to me, and yet it appears that it was indeed a whole month. I must admit that I am starting to wonder if I should start billing you as it seems that I have become your personal X-Files therapist, a job I'm sure no one in the Order envies me.

I'm very pleased about the exclamation point thing, believe me I am (though you may want to work on that whole counting thing). However, my next hope for you is some heavy duty time with the dictionary so we don't wear our poor editor out with spell check. It would also give you the added advantage of realizing that perhaps "sanctimonious" is not exactly the best word to use in its most popular sense in discussing St. Scully.

While you present an interesting case, and my oh my who could argue with a Dungeons and Dragons guide book of all things when used as a primary source of historical evidence, I must concur with all due respect to your Wiccan friend that you are both off completely and totally off of your rockers. In fact, RJ, your far out theories are making you sound more and more like a Mulderist all the time.

In other words, eye color, heritage, and Danu aside, sometimes a Saint is just a Saint. I think if you study the teachings of The Blessed One a little bit harder you will realize that coincidence and contrivance do not equal the truth.

Dear Sister Autumn,

I had a really good idea for my new fanfic. Well, whenever I have the sudden urge to write and my muse, who I call Dana, is beckoning to me from the computer, I can't go. My parents always interrupt me and then I have to do some chores or some community obligations, like volunteering, that I need to fulfill. Then later, I don't feel like writing and I lose my enthusiasm as Dana goes on a lunch break or something, with Mulder. I've been wondering how I could regain my lost inspiration? Please help me, oh wise Sister Autumn!

A humble servant to St. Scully, and you, if you answer my plea,

Sister Victoria 


Sister Victoria,

So let me get this straight. You are currently pretending to have an imaginary friend named Dana and blaming her or her equally imaginary lunch partners for your production as a writer. Well, that is when it is not your parents fault for making you fulfill your family and community obligations? Inspiration mostly comes from within not from some outside source. It is not something to be lost or found like an old sock in the dryer. If you do indeed have a good idea and the ability to express that idea in a clear manner then you will be able to eventually no matter how many dishes your family makes you wash or how many pretend Chinese Chicken Salads this "muse" of yours snacks on in the company of her partner. 

The real issue is summed up in "I don't feel like writing and lose my enthusiasm". Writing, like taking out the trash, can sometimes be a chore. It's work (which is why it is so very easy to do poorly). Sometimes it can be very enjoyable work, but it is a discipline. If you want to succeed as a writer you need to learn how to write precisely when you don't want to. 

I suggest you work on the reward based system. It works for me (and Scully). For instance, after I finish this column I'm about to go out and treat myself to a nice dinner. I get the reward when I finish the task. Scully tried the same system when she was writing a paper one Friday night. Unfortunately her reward turned out to be Eddie Van Blundht. I think I'm getting the better deal. Now if you'll excuse me, a nice steak is calling.

Monty Trout and the Search for the Holey Plot
By Sisters WildKat and Emma
Scene 1
[Spooky music du-du-du-du-du-duuu]
[music stops]

Head Nun of Neener (Autumn)
Nuns of Neener
Neener! Neener! Neener! Neener! Neener!
Who are you?
Head Nun (Autumn)
We are the Nuns Who Say... 'Neener'!
No! Not the Nuns Who Say 'Neener'!
Head Nun (Autumn)
The same!
Who are they?
Head Nun (Autumn)
We are the keepers of the sacred words: 'Neener', 'Thud', and 'Scull-ee'!
Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale! [not that he is capable of telling tales to begin with]
Head Nun (Autumn)
The Nuns Who Say 'Neener' demand a sacrifice!
Nuns of Neener, we are but simple writers and producers who seek the award nominations and an eighth season.
Head Nun (Autumn)
Nuns of Neener
Neener! Neener! Neener! Neener! Neener!...
Ow! Ow! Ow! Agh!
Head Nun (Autumn)
We shall say 'Neener' again to you if you do not appease us.
Well, what is it you want?
Head Nun (Autumn)
We want... a spoiler!  [dramatic chord]
A what?
Nuns of Neener
Neener! Neener! Neener! Neener!
Carter and Writers
Ow! Oh!
Please! Please! No more! We will find you a spoiler.
Head Nun (Autumn)
You must return here with a spoiler, or else, you will never rank in the Neilson ratings again.
O Nuns of Neener, you are just and fair, and we will return with a spoiler.
Head Nun (Autumn)
One that is Scullycentric.
Of course.
Head Nun (Autumn)
And that follows up on loose ends.
Head Nun (Autumn)
Now... go!

Scene 2
 [King Carter music]
 [prance prance prance]
Psychotic Fan!
[theme music stops]
Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy a spoiler?
[dramatic chord]
Kirby of the BASVs
Who sent you?
The Nuns Who Say 'Neener'.
Kirby of the BASVs
Agh! No! Never! We have no spoilers here.
If you do not tell us where we can buy a spoiler, my friend and I will say... we will say...'Neener'.
Kirby of the BASVs
Agh! Do your worst!
Very well! If you will not assist us voluntarily,... Neener!
Kirby of the BASVs
No! Never! No spoilers!
Kirby of the BASVs
No, no, no, no, eener--
No, it's not that. It's 'Neener'.
No, no. 'Neener'. You're not doing it properly. No.
Carter and Spotzy
That's it. That's it. You've got it.
Carter and Spotzy
Kirby of the BASVs
Kirby of the BASVs
Vince the Spoilerer
Are you saying 'Neener' to that Born Again Spoiler Virgin?
Erm,... yes.
Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say 'Neener' at will to Born Again Spoiler Virgins. There is a pestilence upon this land. Nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design spoilers are under considerable economic stress at this period in the series.
Did you say 'spoilers'?
Yes. Spoilers are my trade. I am a Spoilerer. My name is Vince the Spoilerer. I arrange, design, and sell spoilers.
No! No, no, no! No!
Scene 3
O Nuns of Neener, we have brought you your spoiler. May we go now?
Head Nun (Autumn)
It is a good spoiler. I like the CHarc references particularly,... but there is one small problem.
What is that?
Head Nun (Autumn)
We are now... no longer the Nuns Who Say 'Neener'.
Nuns of Neener
Neener! Shh!
Head Nun (Autumn)
Shh! We are now the Nuns Who Say 'fishy-fishy-fishy-fishy-pikang-thud-boing-got- them-zoo-I've-made-the-final-decision-of- the-Scully-Marathon-2000'. 
Head Nun (Autumn)
Therefore, we must give you a test.
What is this test, O Nuns of-- Nuns who till recently said 'Neener'?
Head Nun (Autumn)
Firstly, you must find... another spoiler!
[dramatic chord]
Not another spoiler!
Head Nun (Autumn)
Then, when you have found the spoiler, you must place it here beside this spoiler, only slightly higher so you get the two-level effect with a little path running down the middle.
Nuns of Neener
A path! A path! A path! Neener! Shh! Neener! Neener! Neener! Shh! Shh!...
Head Nun (Autumn)
Then, when you have found the spoiler, you must fish the mightiest trout out of the ocean...with...plam!
[dramatic chord]
Nuns of Neener
A plam!
We shall do no such thing!
Head Nun (Autumn)
Oh, please!
Fish out a trout with a plam? It can Never Again be done.
Nuns of Neener
Aaaaugh! Aaaugh!
Head Nun (Autumn)
Augh! Ohh! Don't say those words.
What words?
Head Nun (Autumn)
I cannot tell, suffice to say is the two words the Nuns of Neener cannot hear.
How can we Never Again say the words if you don't tell us what they are?
Nuns of Neener
Head Nun (Autumn)
You said them again!
What, 'they are'?
Nuns of Neener
Agh! No, not 'they are'.
Head Nun (Autumn)
No, not 'they are'. You wouldn't get vary far on this list not saying 'they are'.
Nuns of Neener
No, not 'they are'. Not 'they are'.
My liege, it's Sir Spender!
[singing] Packing it in and packing it up
And sneaking away and buggering up
And chickening out and pissing off home,
Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge.
Sir Spender!
My liege! I thought I'd never again be written into an episode.
Head Nun (Autumn)
Now he's said the words!
Surely you've not given up your quest for the a cult following?
[singing] He is sneaking away and buggering up--
Shut up! No, no. No. Never Again. Far from it.
Head Nun (Autumn)
He said the words again!
Nuns of Neener
I was looking for my copy of Never Again.
Nuns of Neener
Uh, here--here in this forest.
No, the script of Never Again is far from this place.
Nuns of Neener
Head Nun (Autumn)
Aaaaugh! Stop saying the words! The words...
Oh, will you NEVER AGAIN stop it!
Nuns of Neener
...we cannot hear TETDNSIN!
Head Nun (Autumn)
Ow! He said it (never) again!
FOX Network Executive!
Head Nun (Autumn)
Wait! I said Never Again! I said Never Again!
[prance prance prance]
Ooh! I'll Never say it Again! And there again! That's three 'Never Again's! Ohh!
Nuns of Neener
[The list unravels in a conversation about pantyhose and the possibility of  being able to have sex while IN them, while Carter and his Merry Band of  Writers prance off to plan their 8th Season]

By Sister Aderyn

What better way to worship TBO at this time of year, than to celebrate her angelic qualities. Snap on the latex, dust off your autopsy paraphernalia, and I shall show you how to turn your beloved PI's into angels. 

Step One: Take a moment to  clean off all body/alien matter that may be staining your equipment.

Step Two: Cut off all the fingers of one latex glove using a scalpel.

Step Three: Squeeze your dolly into the remains of the glove. You should remove all mobile phones and other such accessories from your PI's hands first -- for this procedure can go horribly wrong if you're not highly skilled at handling latex.

Step Four: Rest the top of the fingerless glove at the waist of your PI. Gather all excess latex and sew into place using your suture needle and thread.

Step Five: Get two more surgical gloves and blow them up. Don't look at me like that, just do it.

Step Six: Attach the inflated gloves to the back of your PI using the forceps. 

Step Seven: Go and raid the scalpel store, for you now need ten replacement blades. Arrange them in a circular pattern and stick to the PI's head. WARNING: it is imperative that the scalpel blades do not make contact with the inflated gloves. The consequences of such an occurrence are dire.

Step Eight: Display your PI with pride -- for she is now an angel, and shall surely bring goodness, and the festive spirit to all who see her. 

Step Nine: Gather all those unused gloves and snap them on already. Go on, you know you want to!