News for the OBSSEsed
Issue No. 21, December 1998/January 1999

Merry X-Mas!

Welcome Sisters, Brothers, and interested readers to the Order of the Blessed St. Scully the Enigmatic's (OBSSE) Special 1998 Holiday Extravaganza Newsletter!

This month we've combined newsletters (December 1998 and January 1999) to bring you an extra special holiday packed edition of the irreverent XF humor you know and love so well (cough...cough). We've got your letter to Santa (My *personal* wish list.) We've got your carols (Sung pleasantly off-key, of course). We've got your holiday decorations (You ain't never seen a nativity scene like this!). And we've got your Scully snow globes (It's not really a holiday without one, now is it?). Who could ask for more? And to boot, we've got tons--I'm talking TONS--of other extra special features and columns to get you in that warm--yet slightly bent (as a friend recently told me)--OBSSE holiday spirit.

So Happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas, Blessed Kwanzaa, Happy New Year, and in general, happy holidays to all of our Sisters, Brothers, and interested readers around the globe. May you and yours have a very merry holiday and best wishes to all in the New Year!

Nancy's Signature
RevMa Nancy (no clever sig)

Dear Santa...
The RevMa's Christmas WishList
By RevMa Nancy (no clever sig)

Dear Santa...

Dear Santa:

I can't believe it's been a year since we last spoke. My, how time flies! I hope Ms. Claus and the little ones (those crazy Elves!) are doing fine. Things around the Abbey are busy as usual but fine, just fine. We've expanded the Sanctuary to keep up with all of the fine new Sisters and Brothers that have joined. (We're up to 1,200 members now!!!) Unfortunately, that whole project is waaaayyy underfunded. Somehow, passing the wimple doesn't seem to cut it anymore.

The Elders are doing fine, just fine. Sister Autumn has been helping me with redecorating the Abbey Prayer Hall. Unfortunately, our tastes are a shall I say...out of sync? For some reason, Sister Autumn believes that a montage of Gillian Anderson quasi-nude photos are just the thing to perk up the Sisters' and Brothers' prayers. While I accept the beauty inherent in her fine...uh...display, I question its religious significance. But she insists that just gazing upon the photos evokes spiritual ecstasy. (She may have a point about this, as she slipped into a trance of, "Oh God! Oh God! OH GOD!!!" while pasting the photos to the wall last week.)

Anyway, enough about that. I just wanted to drop you a line to remind you of my Xmas Wish List for 1998. I emailed it to you last week, but it bounced back. I can't believe you're still on AOL? You silly old man!

Here it is. I'm sure whatever you decide upon will be fine, just fine. Oh, and for your records, I have been a very good RevMa this year:

The RevMa's Christmas Wish List

1.Mulder in Black Turtle Neck with Black Jeans with Black Boots with Black Leather Jacket and Tousled Chocolate Brown Hair and Dreamy Hazel Eyes pool floaty. Two, if you can manage it. (Let's keep this little request just between you and me, 'kay?)

2. Two-pair of black silk boxers, size L. (They're not for me. They're for...uh...a "friend.")

3. A new bearskin rug for my Abbey Office. The one you brought me last year is a little...worn.

4. Knee pads.

5. Handcuffs. Any kind.

6. Two new Mulder action figures, as my last two have been...umm...damaged. (As Sisters Lens previously pointed out, the manufacturer really should have been more specific about the fact that the dolly's clothes are not removable.)

That's it for me, Santa. I would be extremely excited...I mean...umm...happy to receive those gifts. While we're chatting, however, I'd like to put in a few good words for my Elders, as there are some important gifts for them that I believe should be brought to your attention:
For Sister Autumn: A new margarita machine, Super Jumbo Variety. (She burnt the motor out on the one we had in the Rec Hall, surprise, surprise.) It would also be peachy if you could arrange to make the water in her private shower just a tad bit colder. (Please refer to the aforementioned Abbey Prayer Hall Redecoration Project for details.)

For Sister La..Dee..Da..: Therapy. She continues to live under the delusion that she is sometimes Dr. Karen Kosseff. If that's too expensive, a new CD will do. (Her John Tesh collection is driving the sisters NUTS!)

For Sister Lens-of-Science: Whatever you do, DO NOT bring her anymore Skinner Pool Floaties! We never see her anymore. (But we hear her. Oh God, do we hear her!)

For Sister Paula R.: Something black and sexy, preferably from Donna Karan, to do some funky stop, drop, and rolling. She's all but ruined her other outfit. A little tiara to go with her invisible demon ensemble also would be nice.

For Brother Colin: A toolbelt. (I don't know, it just seems like a good "guy" gift, don't you think?) We have so few brothers around the Order, sometimes I forget what they like. (In the way of gifts, I mean.) Oh, and some black silk boxers to go with it. God, is he going to look cute at the New Year's chat or what?!

Well, that's it, Santa. Thanks for your time. I look forward to seeing you soon. Maybe we can do lunch sometime when you're down south. Oh, and of course, may St. Scully's blessings be upon you all year!

Hugs and Kisses,

Nancy's Signature
RevMa Nancy (no clever sig)

PS: If you could somehow arrange for me NOT to receive any more admittance requests from postulants declaring "Scully Rules/Rocks!" as their reason for seeking admittance to the Order, I would be forever in your debt. :-)

Mysterious Wimple Wearing WomanOBSSE Tips and Tricks for
X-traordinary Holiday Decorations!
by RevMa Nancy (no clever sig)

It's that time of year again, friends. Time to don the gay apparel (see photo at right) and get set to celebrate the season in X-phile style. If you have time, try a few of our decorating tips and tricks below to make your holidays X-tra special!

hollySunflower Seed Strings
Who needs popcorn when you can string sunflower seeds? Sure, it might take a little extra work (I recommend using a large hammer and a small nail to facilitate the process), but in the end the sight of all those sunflower seeds gently embracing your tree will remind you of how good it would feel to gently embrace Mulder's St. Scully embraces her partner despite all his shortcoming and foibles. Yes.

hollySt. Scully Nativity Sets
No, our Saint may not be a virgin (hope...hope), but she still has a lot in common with Mother Mary don't you think? Virgin(like) birth...miracle child...the similarities are startling. Celebrate this serendipitous set of events by making your very own St. Scully Nativity Scene. Simply cut out the faces of the following XF characters, and tape or Superglue them onto your current nativity set as follows. (Children under 18, please ask your parents for permission first before you ruin your mother's family heirloom.):

Mother Mary (Scully)
Joseph (Mulder [for the Shippers] or whatever worthy individual you desire: Mel Gibson, Harrison Ford, change it daily, just for variety.)
Baby Jesus (Emily)
Three Wise Men (Lone Gunmen)
Shepherd (Skinner)
Ass/Donkey (Spender)
Cow (Diana Fowley)
You may also want to dress up your manger to better suit the XF motif: replacing the straw with teeny, tiny stacks of files; substituting the glowing star above the manger with a glowing "X;" scattering tiny cigarette butts about the floor of the manger, you get the idea.

If the Lord hasn't struck you dead after completing the first two decorating ideas, then you may want to tempt fate once more by dressing up your tree in festive X-File Garb. Don't be afraid to let your imagination run wild! Scully icicles (made by printing out the photo of Scully used in the St. Scully on a stick project); "X"-shaped dough ornaments; Mulder balls (for Fest participants); and simple and assorted XF pictures cut out in festive holiday shapes (stars, snowflakes, balls) all can add that special XF zing to your evergreen. Remember my motto: If you can hook it, you can hang it!

hollySt. Scully on A Tree
What better way to crown your creation than with a "St. Scully on a Tree" Tree Topper! Using the same techniques you mastered converting your traditional manger scene to an XF diorama, simply cut out an angelic looking picture of The Blessed One, tape or Superglue it onto the face of your current Christmas tree angel, and TA-DA!!! You have you're very own St. Scully on a Tree! Slip her onto the top of the tree, light her up, and admire her saintly effervescence. And don't worry about the potential irreverence of "sticking a tree branch up her butt" that the angel toppers usually encourage. Just remember: It's probably the most action our saint has seen in years. :)

Editor's Note: If you make an exciting XF ornament this year, take a photo, and send it on to us at We'll consider using your Festive XF Photo in the February edition of "News for the OBSSEsed."

Ringing in the Holidays!
with Sisters Jezebel and Squat

Carols by Jez and Squat

God Rest You, Dana Katherine
(tune: God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen)
by Sister Jez
God rest you, Dana Katherine,
Let Mulder up and pay,
For dragging you both far and wide
To Cali-for-nie-ay.
And give your new boss Kershie-poo
A trip to Mars, one-way:
O accountants, just send the bills his way,
Send 'em his way,
Send old A.D. Kersh the bills to pay today.
You know that Walter Skinner is
A friend both tried and true.
Unlike your partner, MulderPunk
He never ditches you.
His love is pure and chaste but
Surely he has yearnings, too:
O ye writers, just give our Saint her due,
Give her her due,
With Skinner, who would make her shout
"I think not," said Chris Carter,
"Not as long as surf is high!
For Agent S. is pure as snow.
Than boink, she'd rather die.
We all know that the RST
Would make our ratings die."
So, Scully, just kiss those hopes
Kiss 'em goodbye,
And live life as Virgin Scully, FBI.
Musings of a CSM at Christmas
(tune: It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year)
by Sister Squat
It's The Most Horrible Time Of The Year.
I'm not such a loser,
I killed Martin Luther, but I don't feel cheer.
It's The Most Horrible Time Of The Year.
It's the crap- crappiest season of all.
Publishers hate me and no one will date me.
I've no friends to call.
It's the crap- crappiest season of all.
I hold meetings on Christmas Eve
And I give ties to these
Idiots who work for me,
Who think I'd be willing
To give up my loner thing
For time with their families.
It's The Most Gawdawful Time Of The Year.
Publishers aren't heeding.
Folks want to be reading
That Jack Colquitt's here!
It's The Most Gawdawful Time Of The Year.
Life is a cho-co-late
Filled with that whipped mint crap
Thoughtless, perfunctoral. So
They don't like my stories.
Guess I'll find my glories where
EBE's heads off I'll blow.
It's The Most Hideous Time Of The Year.
Excuse me for bitching,
But my patch is itching
And nothing is dear.
It's The Most Hideous Time
It's The Most Ridiculous Time
It's The Most Superfluous Time Of The Year.
Good Scullyists, Rejoice
(tune: Good Christian Men, Rejoice/In Dulci Jubilo)
by Sister Jez
Good Scullyists, rejoice,
With off-key alto voice,
Sing of toads and aliens,
Implants, ice, and buggéd pens,
Sunflow'r seeds consumed by night
While gunpowder the fires alight.
Scully saves the day,
Scully saves the day!
Good Scullyists, rejoice,
With husky, sexy voice,
Now we hear from Autumn T.,
"Saint Scully sounds divine to me!"
And our RevMa, she must chime in,
"I think our saint is far too thin."
But her hair's the best,
Scully's hair's the best.
Good Scullyists rejoice,
(As if we had a choice!)
We need not fear Season Six,
Scully all the bad guys licks.
She kicketh ass and taketh names
And with her handcuffs playeth games.
Scully on a waterbed,
What more can be said?
Hark, the Tone-Deaf Scully Sings
(tune: Hark, the Herald Angels Sing)
by Sister Squat
Hark, the tone-deaf Scully sings,
"Joy to the World," of all things.
'Course, 'twas me that got her started,
And she really was half-hearted.
I don't know what I expected,
Don't want her to feel rejected,
So I'll put up with her choice.
She doesn't get paid for her voice.
Hark, the tone-deaf Scully sings,
"Joy to the World," of all things.
I dunno, she's not that bad;
I heard far worse from my dad.
Maybe should have made a request,
Three Dog Night is not for the best.
Really, this is far from crap.
I'll just snuggle in her lap.
Hoping that she makes it to
"Yes I'd make sweet love to you."
Being lost ain't such a drag,
I really want a sleeping bag.
Sleeping Bags Will Fall
(tune: He Shall Feed His Flock [Messiah])
by Sister Jez
There were agents abiding in the woods,
Keeping watch out for moth-men that night.
Sleeping bags will fall,
If our agents lucky can get.
And Fox shall gather them
With his punkish hands,
With his punkish hands.
Saint Scully lights the fire,
Finds food and holds him near.
She sings her lullaby,
About that frog, Jer'meye.
The fact that she can't sing,
To us, doth her endear.
All curled up in her lap,
Little Mulder looketh just fine.
Unconscious, fast asleep.
He'll neither lie nor ditch,
Neither lie nor ditch.
He comes unto her
When he's hurt, or drugged, or in pain.
And Scully binds his wounds,
Lets him sleep in her bed,
But in that bed does not remain.
Scully, From the FBI
(tune: Angels We Have Heard On High)
by Sister Jez
Scully, from the FBI
Bids her OBSSE friends draw nigh.
"Thanks for homework, jokes and praise
Meant to brighten up my days."
Scully loves Her Order.
Scully loves Her Order.
"Rev'rend Ma, who is this lad
In black boxers cutely clad?
Paula, sitting there, forlorn,
All I see are blinking horns."
Scully loves Her Order.
Scully loves Her Order.
"Autumn, why have blenders three?
Dost thou drink in praise of me?
Ooh, Nanchita, lovely snacks!
Save some for when I come back."
Scully loves Her Order.
Scully loves Her Order.
"Sisters Gen and Glasses, hi!
I laughed 'til I thought I'd die.
COTQ plans at Fest
Surely were the very best."
Scully says she loves us.
Scully says she loves us all.
Walter Skinner
(tune: Hallelujah [Messiah])
by Sister Jez
Walter Skinner!
Walter Skinner!
What a body!
With those shoulders!
And what a fine ass!
A.D. Skinner!
Be a sinner!
Go to Scully,
Do a recap,
And kiss her with class.
For, in an elevator
She grabbed you.
And she kissed you!
Yes we saw it!
Granted, there wasn't tongue,
But there could be.
Try again, boy!
She is worth it!
But if you think she should be with Mulder,
Don't despair, Walt!
Let me tell you,
Lens and Jez will
Both console you...
...Wink wink...nudge nudge.
A Sorta Mooshie Song
(tune: "The Christmas Song", aka "Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire")
by Sister Squat
Taurus cruising down an open road.
I'm there sitting by your side.
Sometimes I feel like I'm sharing the load,
At times, I'm just here for the ride.
Mulder, you know how I'd really like a normal life,
Nine to five and all the rest.
I've had such grief and such torment and strife,
Still, being by your side is best.
Because as much as I have lost,
And because life with you is never without cost,
I don't know if my answers lie with you,
But I could never leave, so why try to?
Everybody thinks I'm crazy as a lunatic
For seeing you through all of it,
But you stuck with me back when I was so sick.
You're my best friend, you shit.
"I Found a Vial of Ova"
(Tune: "I Had A Little Dreidl")
by Sister Jez
I found a vial of ova
Called "Scully, Dana K."
I put it in my pocket
And carried it away.
I stored it in my freezer
To keep it safe from harm.
But did not tell poor Scully,
For fear it would alarm.
Oh, ova, ova, ova,
Called "Scully, Dana K."
I should've told my partner
Before the hearing day.
One morning in the winter,
The call I dreaded, came.
"Hey, Mulder, get on out here,
And tell the judge I'm sane."
So off we went together,
To tell that sorry tale.
I hope she will forgive me,
And not put me in jail.
Oh, ova, ova, ova,
My Scully's DNA,
Next to the frozen fish sticks,
You're languishing away.
God Rest Ye, Lone Gunmen
(tune: God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen)
by Sister Squat
God Rest Ye, Lone Gunmen!
Let nothing you dismay,
Yes, even though surveillance won't
Let up on Christmas Day.
You save us all from government pow'r
When it has gone astray.
What would you do if evil went away?
Went all away?
Just what would you do if evil went away?
This MX-13 Radar Scope,
That brand new listening ear,
This calibrated instrument
Makes secret words appear.
And if perchance a satellite
May target you, don't fear,
All those bad guys will get it in the rear.
Right in the rear.
All those nasty guys will get it in the rear.
UFOs You've Seen On High
(tune: Angels We Have Heard on High)
by Sister Squat
UFOs you've seen on high,
Sweetly sweeping o'er the plains
Aliens you claim to spy
People wonder 'bout your brains.
People think you're crazy.
I just think they're la-aazy.
I once thought like they do too,
'Bout your wacky faith so strong,
Wondering what was up with you,
I think maybe I was wrong.
In the realm of science
I place my reliance.
Much as I would like to be
Able to find solid proof
I think if you stick with me
You can seem much less a doof.
There in the Antarctic
I must admit I saw it.
We've been together for awhile
You believe, now so do I
Faith and science reconcile
I think we can make it fly.
We'll find proof together
We'll make it all work be-et-ter.

Seasonal Scully Crafts:
Make Your Own Scully Snow Globe!
by Sister Paula R.

SnowGlobe!ScullyImagine the hours of joy that your very own Holiday Scully Snowglobe will bring, not to mention the envy of all your friends. Perfect for gift giving or better yet, hogging to yourself, the Scully Snowglobe is a must for every mantelpiece this season.

What You'll Need:

1 Scully action figure (Parka!Scully is recommended)
1 jar with lid
White glitter
Epoxy glue
Decorative holiday thingy for top of jar (optional)

Putting Your Scully Globe Together:

First, glue Parka!Scully firmly in place in the center of the jar lid and allow to set. Add water to jar. Add glitter to water. Spread thin bead of epoxy around inside rim of jar lid. Lower Scully into water and twist lid into place firmly. Allow glue to dry before turning over and shaking gently.

Now your holidays can be complete! Don't you feel better already? Or...not. :)

Yes, Virginia...
by Sister Paula R.

I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Saint Scully. Papa says, "If you read it in the OBSSE Newsletter, it is so." Please tell me the truth, is there a Saint Scully? - Virginia

Virginia, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the unimaginative skepticism of a faithless age. In the words of The Blessed One, "many of the things I have seen have challenged my faith and my belief in an ordered universe. But this uncertainty has only strengthened my need to know, to understand, to apply reason to those things that seem to defy it." And so it is with us. Yes, Virginia, there is a Saint Scully. She exists as certainly as love, generosity, devotion, and the Nordstrom's after-Christmas sale exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Saint Scully! It would be as dreary as if there were no Armani. There would be no mailing list then, no fanfic, no sacred Sunday night viewing hour to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in the deconstruction of Star Trek and all its generations. The enigmatic light with which OBSSEhood fills the world would be extinguished.

Not believe in Saint Scully! You might as well not believe in bees. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world. Did not Saint Scully say, "imagine a miracle, and you're halfway there?" If not for our imagination, there would not be the miracle of friendship and kinship we feel among our members -- whether we hail from Texas, Canada, New York or Australia. We may not see one other, but we know and feel each other's existence, and thus our lives are brightened immeasurably. Ah, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.

No Saint Scully! Thank goodness she lives (and according to Clyde Bruckman does not die). A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay 10 times 10,000 years from now, she will continue to make glad the universal heart of OBSSEhood. In the spirit of Saint Scully -- Happy Holidays.

Whereforeart the OBSSE Fundraiser???
by RevMa Nancy (no clever sig)

Last year, the OBSSE held it's first holiday fundraiser, raising more than $2,000 for Neurofibromatosis, Inc., a charity supported by Gillian Anderson. This year, real life intervened to prevent us from holding a fundraiser during Christmas. But just because we weren't organized this holiday season doesn't mean that you can't be.

If you have the means, please consider giving this holiday season to NF, Inc. in Gillian Anderson's name. More information about the charity can be found on their web site.

Nuns!Around the Abbey...
by RevMa Nancy (no clever sig)

crossOBSSE Marathon
Remember the Thanksgiving Day XF Marathon on FX? Well, the OBSSE had its own ideas about which episodes should have won that contest. If you haven't done so already, check out Sister La..Dee..Da..'s and Brother Dave Fox's (What a great last name, eh?) wonderful web site listing the winners of the OBSSE XF Marathon. (And please take note as to how close *I* came to selecting all of the "proper" answers. I missed Beyond the Sea. It was an oversight! (cringe))

crossHoliday Greetings from Brother Carl
Run--don't walk!--to Brother Carl F.'s wonderful Christmas Card to the OBSSE from St. Scully. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll want to make your very own St. Scully santa suit. Great job, Bro. Happy Holidays to you too!

crossHow Many Ways Can Say: All the Prizes!
We all know Gillian Anderson deserves them--all of them. But just how many ways can we say it? Sister La..Dee..Da..has it in her nutty nun head to put up a special web page (in time for the upcoming Golden Globes competition) to say "All the Prizes!" in as many languages as possible. Since we have 25-35 different nations represented in the OBSSE, this could be fun!  So please email a note to Sister La..Dee.. Da.. ASAP with how to say "All the prizes!" in your native tongue. Thanks!

Minnesota Sisters Host Premiere Bash
by Sister Synnova

Wild Women with WimplesIn the Beginning ... actually more like the third season, Clyde Bruckman revealed the truth about The Blessed One's divinity. Of course there were hints earlier on, but Mr. Bruckman confirmed it right here in the Twin Cities, so we thought it would be an appropriate location for a weekend of Premiere Scullyistic fun. And did we ever have fun -- complete with setting off airport metal detectors, Ritas, a trip to the Museum of Questionable Medical Devices, Ritas, wimples, a hot tub, shopping, and of course lots and lots of group viewings. Click here to get the juicy details and often incriminating photos.

Thanks to everyone who made the trip, and to RevMa, Autumn, the other Elders, and of course TBO for bringing us all together. Clear your calendars for next year's premiere and you, too, can be OBSSEsed in Minnesota.

Pictured above, elegantly decked out in OBSSE-issue wimples, Ritas, and hot tub: (left to right) Sisters Gen, Synnova, Glasses, Joanne, and Marykate

Know Your Ditches!
The Mortal Ditch vs. the Venial Ditch: An OBSSEsed Analysis
by Sister Nancy FF (with thanks to Sisters Squat and Jezebel)

A small controversy recently arose amongst the sibliren of the Abbey. Upon viewing the answer to our long summer's prayers (and by most estimates a pretty mediocre answer at that) -- the episode known as The Beginning, we wondered: did Mulder ditch his partner or not?

It wasn't an easy question to answer. As you enlightened Brothers and Sisters may remember, about two-thirds of the way through the episode, The Blessed One and her partner were preparing to get in their car (Scully in the driver's seat for a change) and spirit the newly discovered, gravely injured Gibson to safety, when what to their wondering eyes should appear? Diana Fowley, parking her skanky butt and her Intrigue with the lights rudely in Our Heroes' eyes. Mulder got out of the car, walked over to Diana, exchanged some words, and then came back to tell Scully that he was accompanying The Fowl One to the nuclear power plant to look for our Big Green Morphing Ill-Tempered Friend from the movie.

"Was it an entirely new phenomenon...or in the words
of Sister Jezebel, "a son of a ditch?"

The Brothers and Sisters rent their garments, donned sackcloth and ashes ... that Punk had done it again, ditching The Blessed One. But voices of reason, yea verily, one of which being that of RevMa, were heard in the Abbey. If he told her where he was going and what he was doing, was it really a ditch? Or was it an entirely new phenomenon, a mutation if you will, or in the words of Sister Jezebel, a "son of a ditch?"

Now, I'm not really Catholic (shocker, I know). So I wasn't familiar with the terminology when I heard author and filmmaker Michael Moore expound on the difference between mortal and venial sins in the movie The Big One (props to Sister Jenn for the rec). But I thought, well, the same thing could apply to ditches.

I refer you to Webster's New Collegiate Dictionary, Ninth edition:

"Mortal sin: a sin (as murder) that is deliberately committed and is of such serious consequence according to Thomist theology that it deprives the soul of sanctifying grace.
Venial sin: a sin that is relatively slight or that is committed without full reflection or consent and so according to Thomist theology does not deprive the soul of sanctifying grace."
First of all, who is Thom? And why does he get a whole theology when all I can manage is a few half-baked theories and some sadly deluded followers who think I'm organized enough to dominate the world?

So here's the deal: a Mortal Ditch is one that is deserving of Mulderhell. A full-blown, running-off-so-Scully-can't-stop-you-from-doing-something-stupid, getting-holes-drilled-in-your-head, leaving-TBO-with-your-pissy-mother, not-concerned-about-where-Scully's-next-ride-is-coming-from, I'm-off-to-see-the-lizard, so-long-sweet-cheeks-have-fun-cleaning-up-after-my-sorry-ass DITCH. Two prime examples follow:

Cute but Ditchy

The Herrenvolk Ditch. (I must leave some space for the sound of Scullyists everywhere groaning.) Mulder takes off with Jeremiah Smith in a boat for God only knows where, leaving Scully standing on a pier, yelling "Mulder!" with the Mighty Morphin Bounty Hunter (the Artist Formerly Known as the Schwarzenalien) right behind. And he chokes her for good measure. At the time I first saw it, I thought, 'I bet she's thinking, this is what I'm gonna do to Mulder if I get the chance.'
The Demons Ditch. (Season 4 must have been the epicenter of ditchdom.) Mulder is not himself; he's been hanging with this freaky doctor who gives him doggie shots and drills holes in his head, and that's weird even for Spooky. After Scully saves his butt time and time again, he rewards her by allowing her to drive him to see the Mother Who Will Never Be Known By Me as Teena, fights with said mother, gets slapped upside his now-bleeding head, and takes off in the car, leaving Scully to deal with Mom. I myself would probably prefer the choking.
These two examples were precisely why the incident in The Beginning stood out. Waitamminnit? He told her where he was going? He told her what he would be doing there? HE SAID HE'D CALL? Who is this and what did he do with Mulder?

Could he have become enlightened somehow by their experience in the Arctic? Could he finally be giving Scully some of the respect she deserves? Could those of us in the Abbey who have so long hungered and thirsted for Punk righteousness finally receive our fill? (Ahem, sorry, felt a slight venture into BAWDY territory there.)

Well, not for long it wasn't. By the time the wonderful Triangle rolled around, he was back in mortal ditch mode. But it was nice while it lasted. All I can say is: Punk, don't make me wax medieval on your sorry butt. You know I'm an evil woman.

chalkboardSt. Scully's School for Young Scullyists
by Sister Kirby

I once told a friend, "If I had a daughter, I'd duct tape her to the couch every Sunday night and make her watch Dana Scully."

Who better than me to pioneer an OBSSE children's service?

The idea first came to me with the joyous birth of our own Sister Shadow's Sarah Gillian. It occurred to me that others of you may have children as well, and while we have certainly developed a strong sense of spiritual community for ourselves here at the Abbey, we have not anticipated the Scullyistic needs of our own children.

While we stay busy in the kitchen (peeling away, Scully bless us), observe reverently in chapel, or view boisterously in one of the home theaters (my personal favorite of late: the Ch-Ch-Ch-Chinga! bathhouse), what are we doing to assure our children of a strong and healthy future in Scully?

I am sure we all care for our children's needs in our own way at home, but mistakes may be made. Why not trust the OBSSE community to guide your child's viewing taste and development? They won't be watching Rugrats and Teletubbies forever (In Scully's name, I'm sure many of you pray). In 10 years, do you really want your child seated at a movie theater for the premiere of "X-Files Part IV: Purse the Past" and, Scully forbid, confused about some X-Files related minutiae? Can you deal with the idea of your son or daughter turning to you in the future and asking, "Who is Queequeg?" or "Did Scully write her senior thesis in chemistry?"

Or it could be much, much worse. What if your child, in a fit of teen rebellion (It has been know to happen.) decides to take on Mulderistic tendencies? Or perhaps somewhat less drastically, what if your child chooses not to view the X-Files at all, thus missing out on the wisdom of Saint Scully altogether? We all know with patience and humility that TBO reaches even the most determined Punk worshiper at some base level. Even as Mulder resists Scully's rationalism and strength, he is better for his exposure to her grace. Amen.

Scully Girl!You may wonder why Sister Kirby, who is without children and none too hasty at acquiring any, is volunteering to map out this Scully School model (and let me back up several paragraphs and reitrerate that I am NOT suggesting Sister Shadow duct tape little Sarah G. to the furniture any time soon. That wouldn't even be productive for at least three years, when Sarah is well on her way to being able to pronounce words like 'impunity' and 'irrefutable scientific evidence.') Let it be know that Sister Kirby (she of the sudden third person affectation) is merely filling a void until such time that a more suitable and qualified candidate (that would be just about anyone else) should step forward.

I do have memories of the more traditional Sunday school and summer bible camp format, and I also had a friend who grew up Catholic and attended catechism, so I'm sure I can throw something together.

It seems to me that these programs should always take place in a basement, I suspect so that adults can peer down in judgment on the poor little tykes whenever they choose. So I have asked RevMa to clear out some space in the aAbbey basement, and she has agreed to have a janitorial crew spiffy up the Adult Female Friends of Dana Scully Museum, as it has been abandoned since the cruel hope-inspiring days of "Jersey Devil." Upon inspecting the room, I found nothing but a crumpled 8x10 of Mimi Rogers, covered with what I can only assume was human spit. (Note to janitorial crew: Ewwwww.)

Naturally as this is a work in progress, I encourage all of you (especially those of you with actual children) to add your 11 cents to the mix. This is how I see the renovation of the room starting: sunny yellow walls, not unlike the lemon dress Scully wore in All Souls. The largest wall will be dominated by an enormous mural portrait of St. Scully, possibly something from the pre-gaunt years... I'm thinking circa the Anasazi trilogy, when she was still allowed to have freckles and the last shreds of her own innocence before being struck with all the angst and pain of seasons four and five. Surrounding her will be smaller portraits that depict the people Scully has helped and the good deeds she has done ... assuring Kevin from Revelations, ministering a bedridden Fox Mulder (Let me remind you, this is a children's mural--not THAT kind of ministering), playing with Emily, reassuring nice Ed Jerse, embracing her mother, comforting Penny Northern, praying with Father McQue, holding Pendrell in Max, or any other scenes of positive Scully action, such as moments when she provides first aid or consults a microscope or does research.

It has just occurred to me that this room might become ... overriden with adult worshipers and volunteer Sunday school teachers. (Note to RevMa: place age limit on children's services and screen all teaching candidates.)

Scully Boy!I see the children's room being filled with the playtime items a young Scullyist should be exposed to: microscopes, toy medical gear, goggles, mini lab coats and hazmat suits, the materials necessary to conduct an impromptu southern blot. And books: children's anatomy and science encyclopedias, texts on beginning logic and reason, perhaps some picture books about playing nicely with other less intelligent or less reasonable children who might one day become one's partner.

My recollections of childhood religious education are something I'm not getting paid near enough to excavate, but for the sake of thoroughness, I will anyway. As I recall, Sunday school and the less taxing summer bible school were a good excuse to dump children in a safe and mass environment away from the adults who drank coffee and gossiped about the unfortunate souls who hadn't showed up that week for church. It was also a cheap and seemingly healthy daycare alternative. In our case, I suppose it would be nice to have a place for the children away from the Scullyritas and the pool floaties and the not-so-toddler-triendly language of sailor Scully and her worshippers.

But I propse that this program will have a practical value for the children and not just their parents, and so I will dig deeper into my repressed (without the aid of regression hypnosis, mind you) memories for a clue as to what we DID in Sunday and Bible School.

After much thinking (and recalling most of the lyrics to "This Little Light of Mine'" AND "Zachais was a Wee Little Man (and a wee little man was he"), I have come up with four intial activities: Snacks, Crafts, Music, and Storytime.

1. Snacks

Snacks for children are beyond my repertoire, but I would imagine we would want to make available graham crackers, fruit wedges, and something with peanut butter. And of course, Scully friendly Kool-Aid such as Rational Raspberry, Folie a Fruit Punch, (Scully's hair is) Orange, and Logical Lime.

2. Crafts

Again I am out of my element, but if memory serves me correctly, the children would be working with materials such as popsicle sticks, various grain crop seeds, uncooked macaroni, scraps of cloth, really stinky varnish, miscellaneous chunks of wood, pinecones, and an unlimited supply of glue. Perhaps if OBSSE members would donate their excess copies of old Scully-centered magazines (we know you have extra copies of all those TV Guide covers, so fess up and bring 'em in. Think of the children, won't you! And do you really need both the hot and cold versions of the Duchoveny cover? I think not.) as well as old XF day and wall calendars, the children could cut out pictures of TBO and her little friends, and then create puppets, mosaics, puzzles, wall hangings, napkin holders, hot pads, Christmas ornaments, tea cozies, tool belts ... all XF related.

3. Music

This I would definitely turn over to a more worthy sister or brother. We might ask Sister Bryn or some other qualified genius to create filks exclusively for the children's wing. Songs just ripe for filking include Kumbaya, Pass It On, and Scully Loves Me.

4. Storytime

Other than playtime (I myself am tempted to don a pair of stylish six inch heels and chase little boys in front of imaginary traffic), storytime would constitute the bulk of our children's services. Here we would definitely need to comb the abbey for worthy and qualified instructors to tell Scully's story accurately without scaring the bejeebers out of the kiddies. There are so many stories to tell, and so few of them are appropriate for children. But I'm sure with the skillful help of my brothers and sisters, we could make the following not only safe, but also inspiring and educational:

teacher1.gif (328 bytes)Pilot: Dana and her crazy new partner travel to Oregon to investigate kids with runny noses.

teacher1.gif (328 bytes)Squeeze/Tooms: A funny man who can squish through small spaces and lives in a little gooey cave plays with Dana and blows bubbles on her tummy.

teacher1.gif (328 bytes)Ice: Dana plays with dogs and worms and microscopes.

teacher1.gif (328 bytes)Fire: Dan's silly friend learns not to play with fire or old girlfriends.

teacher1.gif (328 bytes)Darkness Falls: Dana and her goofy partner explore the woods and find masses of killer green bugs that only come out at night to consume people whole.

teacher1.gif (328 bytes)The Host: Dana has more fun with worms, and now they're BIGGER!

teacher1.gif (328 bytes)DPO: Lightning can be scary, but Dana will help her cowardly parner overcome his fear.

teacher1.gif (328 bytes)Teso Dos Bichos: Dana ... (Sorry folks, but even five year olds will find this storyline without merit.)

teacher1.gif (328 bytes)Jose Chung: (honors children only) It's all a government conspiracy to hide alien life from the American people ... or is it? Maybe the conspiracy is in creating the lie of alien life in order to divert the public's attention away from other questionalbe military and state secrets.

teacher1.gif (328 bytes)Home: Removed from curriculum in anticipation of some serious lawsuits.

teacher1.gif (328 bytes)Unruhe: Dana helps a dentist's son choose his own career path (Not to be confused with the story of Herbie in Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.)

teacher1.gif (328 bytes)Musings of a CSM: Retells fables and nursery rhymes to children, replacing all villains and monsters with Dana's enemy, CSM, who not only killed Bambi and Simba's respective parents but also locked Rapunzel in a tower and shoved Jack down that hill.

teacher1.gif (328 bytes)El Mundo Gira: See also, Teso dos Bichos.

teacher1.gif (328 bytes)Never Again: An excellent opportunity to instruct children of the dangers of making new friends without a basic background check.

teacher1.gif (328 bytes)Kaddish: Recommended prior to naptime, along with Hell Money and Avatar.

teacher1.gif (328 bytes)Gethesmane: Valuable tool for showing chilrdren how ridiculous it is to believe that Dana could ever lie so convincingly, and a starter tool for encouraging young viewers to mistrust Chris Carter at all times.

teacher1.gif (328 bytes)Detour: Dana and her useless friends are lost in the woods, and it's up to her to gather food, build a fire, and sing the bad away.
There are of course an endless number of stories for the children to learn, and I'm sure a creative team of instructors will be able to clean up all installments, except perhaps Home and the needlessly disgusting Sanguinarium.

Enrollment for the OBSSE "Scully School" will begin as soon as the renovations are complete on the children's room (This would get done much faster if some of you would stop loitering in their and stretching out the hazmat helmets--get your own!). So fill out those applications and start prepping your children for the rigorous interview process. (If your child can recite the interrogation speech from Beyond the Sea, with tasteful edit of the ending natually, he or she is probably in. Trust me on this one.)

May St. Scully be with you and your children. See you at the spring Scully Recital.

Editor's Note: Belated OBSSE Congratulations to Sister Shadow. Welcome to the world little Sarah! :-)

Ask Autumn
by Sister Autumn T.

Welcome to the Super Special Holiday Extravaganza edition of my column. Which basically means apparently the holiday season has been a little stressful for many of you as I can barely keep up with all the mail. My oh my, but you people have issues. Luckily for you I am always here to lend a gentle helping hand. Though frankly it took a lot of eggnog (heavy on the nog) to get through this batch. God only knows what it will be like after the New Year when resolutions fall quickly by the wayside. So, come January 3rd (when you've already decided that this really wasn't the year to give up inhaling an entire carton of Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey every chance you get because hey, if Scully can eat ice cream out of the carton while studying cockroaches it actually must be a Holy Food of some sort - besides you've got bigger problems anyway) just write to me at Ask Sister Autumn, and I'll make sure you start the year off right.

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Dear Sister Autumn, my dear friend, colleague, and woman who declares when pissed off at me that she writes half of this newsletter, so back off Bucko! Whatever:

Why does St. Scully have a refrigerator in her living room? Every time I re-watch the XF movie (and given my insomnia lately, it has been many a time), this phenomenon baffles me. Is it a mistake? Is it a sign? Is it some new fashion statement that I have missed? I'm so confused.

I don't know what to do. As you know, I strive night and day to emulate TBO in every way, but this...this just seems wrong. A big cool box of wrong! Do you suppose it's a special refrigerator just for storing her bee pollen? I wonder.Should I change my decor? Should I change my diet? Is this some sort of religious statement regarding fasting that I am somehow missing?

Please help.

Yours always in St. Scully,
RevMa Nancy (no clever sig)

Dearest RevMa, my dear friend, colleague, and woman whose newsletter I write half of:

(Note to readers: While the RevMa is trying to follow the usual tradition of sucking up to me, you can see she stumbled a bit there in the end - pity, and after such a good start. Oh well, as she is the only person *I* have to suck up to in these parts, do notice I will cut her some slack that none of the rest of you should ever expect.)

Now where was I? Ah yes, the damned fridge. I hope that this little "feature" of the film was just a one time anomaly that will never be seen again. I mean I have always wondered what The Blessed One keeps in that big wood armoire it seems to have replaced, but I never suspected Lean Cuisines. So, I have a theory. While Her partner was out drowning his sorrows in tequila (which is another reason to like him in the movie), St. Scully took a more practical approach to dealing with her frustrations: she decided to rearrange her furniture but in her restless state made some really bad choices. I am certain that she corrected this as soon as she got back from Antarctica and realized that she really didn't want the fridge anywhere near her anymore. (I think it is now in her broom closet). By the way, RevMa, on the outside chance I am wrong, I would not rush to try and squeeze your frigidaire in the closet as well. However, you could use a fear of the thing as an excuse to get taken out to dinner more often or to make others wait on you (i.e. "I can't possibly get a beer for myself as it gives me those horrible frostbite flashbacks"). Not that I do this. Much.

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Oh highly analytical (in a very Scully way), trout wielding Sister Autumn, at whose feet I kneel in holy reverence to her divine providence and wisdom and to whom I will always be inferior for her vast intelligence and power of forgiveness, please help me.

I have been...dare I say it??? Yes, I must confess!!! I have been doubting the power of the Blessed One. (GASP!) I saw the movie and I was torn at how helpless the Punk and Surfer Boy made her appear. Why must she always be the one in trouble and have the Punk somehow come to the rescue? I know Scully can kick major ass. We all know it.

Then I had the horror of watching the season premiere. I felt as if the Blessed One was... well... how can I say this... almost going against her scientific background? At first she seemed solid and devout and defiant... but then even I had to question her motives, her reasoning... I even... yes, you must confess... I even... this is too embarrassing... I even began switching to another channel to watch... oh please be merciful... ROMY AND MICHELLE'S HIGH SCHOOL REUNION! I am so ashamed!

Oh most gracious and forgiving Sister Autumn, please use your divine wisdom that can only be a gift from the Blessed One to help me, a wayward soul, find his way back into the light. I have begun penitence already by saying 1000 Scully rosaries and reciting the words of Memento Mori. I meekly wait your response...

Brother Hannibal, somewhat disenchanted but none worse for wear...

Brother Hannibal,

To quote a dearly departed crispy critter: "OH DEAH GOTT!" You should be ashamed. You switched to "Romy and Michelle" during an episode in which She of the Scientific Proof is right? You questioned Her motives? This is disturbing. Very, very disturbing. Personally I think as we all know "Scully can kick major ass" She should start with yours. My only fear is, that you might like that. You are to report to Abbey detention immediately and drop your tapes of "Chinga", "Humbug" and "The Pilot" off in my office until you see the error of your ways.

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Dear Sister Autumn,

My doctor has advised me to lose some weight. I know there have been times when Saint Scully wasn't as thin as she is now and I was wondering if you know the weight loss method TBO used, or a method she would approve of?

Agent Beth

Dear Beth,

I'm not sure the same method will work for we mortals, as I don't know about you, but I certainly don't have a pregnant Earthly Incarnation that can make me suddenly shed 52 pounds by giving birth. As to actual methods Her Pantsuitedness uses, my guess is one burns a lot of calories trying to find Mulder every time he runs off half cocked. Either that or start eating that snackalicious treat of plain yogurt with bee pollen.

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Dear Sssshe Who Doth Neither Rape Nor Pillage, But Who Doth Verily Have the Ssssspoils:

As you well know, I have been perplexed and plagued my Philedom through with my much maligned "taping issues." I just never saw the need to put an episode on tape. I laughed, I jeered, I thought that my own memory was sufficient. Simply put, I was wrong.

However, that being said, I am still of the opinion that *not* every episode *should* be taped. I mean, did you tape "Travelers?" When you saw it, did you not look for the very first opportunity, say, even an episode of "Touched by an Angel," to strike it from celluloid and human memory?

So my question for you: how do we, the spoiled, know when an episode is worthy of the Tape when in fact we only know the barest of facts, having never before seen it, and *knowing very little* (wink wink nudge nudge) about it?

Let's take a recent example. As I write this in mid-December, we, the spoiled of the OBSSE, know the plot of the upcoming episode "Tithonus." (Spoiler Virgins, look away!) (Yes, now!) (This means you!) (Hurry, before it's too late!)

As we know, it is about the late great baseball player Honus Wagner, a man with the highest batting average ever for a shortstop and undoubtedly one of the greats, who is mysteriously resurrected in a bizarre incident involving a vat of Cheez-Whiz and the gear box of a 1974 Chevy Nova, who then wanders the streets of Pittsburgh aimlessly in his tattered Pirates jersey, until he is taken in by the kindhearted proprietor of the Eager Beaver, a topless bar, and becomes obsessed with one of the dancers, a young lady named Estelle who dances under the name "Prancy Galore." The denizens of said establishment notice his slack-jawed appreciation, and give him the nickname "Tithonus." Then Estelle mysteriously disappears one night in the parking lot, when a bright light seems to pull her up into the night sky, and Mulder and Scully are called in to investigate. To go undercover, they get jobs at the Eager Beaver, and Mulder sets about to befriend "Tithonus."

(I told you not to look!)

Now, from that description, is this an episode I want to tape?

Needing your guidance,

Sister Nancy FF

Dear The Evil That Is Nancy FF,

I can't believe you've gone and spoiled this fine episode for everyone. Now who will be surprised when The Blessed One dons that tight little cropped "I'm an Eager Beaver" T-shirt to wrangle clues out of the regulars in what is sure to be an Emmy winning performance by Gillian Anderson? Or how about when the PUNK leers at her and says "Oh baby I'd like to slide into home head first"? I think that is enough information for people to judge whether they should tape or not. And, FYI, I did tape Travelers. I use it as a Scullyrita coaster during chat because even the cats are scared to come near it.

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Dear Sister Autumn whose trout wielding expertise has me in constant fear of eating any seafood,

It's Brother Hannibal again. I'm almost done with the 1000 rosaries I promised in my last email. My legs have gone numb but that's what penitence is for, isn't it? I am now confronted with another issue -- THE KISS! Now I know that wasn't The Blessed One that the punk (please note the use of the lowercase letter "p") was swapping saliva with...but it's what he said afterward that bothers me.

"I love you, Scully."

What the hell was he thinking? I mean, I can understand that he was still in his Wizard of Oz mode but I'm not so sure. Is the OBSSE going to have to place armed centurions around the Blessed One to keep him from stalking her??? I, of course, would be the first to volunteer to take a bullet for the Blessed One, but do you think that would be going too far?

As always, the penitent Brother Hannibal

Hannibal, what are you some sort of Brother RJ Wannabe?

I'm starting to sense deeper issues at work here. First you whine that St. Scully doesn't kick enough ass for your liking. Then you whine when the punkish one shows her a little deserved affection. So, is the Scully of your dreams some lone wolf version of ScullyFu from "Kill Switch"? Or is it you think she's saving herself for you? Pity about the "Romy and Michelle" thing or I'm certain you might have had a shot...

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Dear Sister Autumn the Magnificent,

I have a question of theology that holds great significance to my own life. I recently agreed to accompany a friend on an insane expedition of jumping out of a airplane at high altitude with a piece of fabric strapped to my back. I find that fear has pervaded my soul. I try to be like Scully and overcome it but daily the event looms greater like a shampoo wielding maniac coming for me. I ask myself what The Blessed One would do in this situation. Would she chicken out? Would she make the leap and finger her cross all the way down? I realize that she would jump to save the life of The Inferior One, but would she ever do something this crazy just for fun? What would her behavior be like? Personally, I plan to sing Amazing Grace and possibly She Blinded Me with Science on the ascent to calm my nerves. I just would feel better with a definitive answer from a gracious expert such as yourself on What Would Scully Do?

Thank you,
Angel the Celestial Scully Worshipper

Dear Angel, who might possibly soon actually become one,

Did I ever tell you the story about how my cousin once went skydiving and his parachute didn't open and he ended up by some miracle only breaking both his legs? Have fun!

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Dear Sister Autumn, Whose Wisdom Knows No Bounds, Who Knows All things Scully, Who Graciously Answered My Previous Questions,

Was I the only one who was confused by Triangle? Was this a MulderDream? I find it hard to believe that our Sainted One would dash through FBI corridors muttering obscenities, threatening to maim and kill, impersonating The Other One, and so on, all for the Punk who is Mulder. The Sainted One seemed to burst the confines of Her composure and recklessly toss about Her reputation, especially with the kiss She forced onto the Balding One. I have heard some logical calculations that the Blessed One was behaving exactly as the Punk would have Her behave, therefore, it must have been a dream. Please enlighten me on Her disturbing behavior. Although I did obtain some not-minimal gratification from that wicked right hook as it connected to the Punk's jaw, the episode has kept me up at night, conjuring fantasies of Extreme!Scully.

Yours in a state of unruhe,
PUNKmulder, whose name was chosen in a fit of adolescent-esque weakness

Dear PUNKy, Can I call you that? Good.

It was her. All Scully. All the time. What do you find hard to believe? That Our Little Sailor would mutter or swear? She's done both before. That she would threaten a perceived enemy to save Mulder? Done that too. Try to fool CancerMan? "You go girl!" I say. As for that Skinner smooch, well, she was a little on edge. Sit back and enjoy the rarity of St. Scully on a rampage. I know I did. Disturbing? Hardly. Besides if it were a Mulder dream she would have been wearing something much more revealing doncha think?

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Most wise and venerable Autumn, who is as demure as the day is long,

These last few months have been very introspective ones, and I have come to some very disturbing conclusions about myself.

Namely, I am wrong-haired *AND* prancy. I can explain both, but I know there is no excuse for being WHP. As for the hair, well, I'm just a college kid, mired in apathy. Once I had a haircut that could loosely be described as "Scully-like" but it has since grown out. I currently have it in a ponytail, but all the hair that isn't quite long enough is sticking up at odd angles. (But, to my credit, my hair is usually clean; more than I can say for many of my college cohorts.) As for the pranciness, well, I *am* a college kid, mired in cheap-bastardness. My favorite shoes are sandals I got at Wal*Mart for ten bucks. The straps always slip off, so if I'm running late, and have to run to class...well, I kind of have to shuffle/prance to keep the shoes on. Not only that, but if I'm carrying something, I run/shuffle/prance with stiff arms. It's shameful.

My question is: is being wrong-haired and prancy really all that bad, and if so, will I outgrow it? Or will I always be an apathetic cheap bastard?

Eagerly awaiting your advice,


I must admit that on top of your tic-tac addiction this was a little disheartening to learn about you. I mean, I can usually over look one or the other when it comes to wrong hair and prancy, but both in tandem? Something must be done about this. Fortunately this does not sound like a permanent affliction. Perhaps it might behoove you to cross "gross of orange tic-tacs for medicinal purposes" off your Christmas list and replace it with "those cool boots with the chunky heels that She Who Does Not Prance wears." And for God's sake work on the stiff arm thing.

P.S. Bragging about clean hair does not help your case. You're in college, not camping.

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Dearest Wisest Sister Autumn, Whose Brilliance Is Eclipsed Only By She That We Adore And Seek To Emulate. . .

Yet again I must come to the alter of your wisdom, penitent and remorseful. I am gravely sorry if I have offended your dedication to our Blessed One in our last Newsletter whilst offering my acts of devotion for your approval.

That said, I have yet another problem that I must beg your assistance. . .

I have to be at work at 7 AM, Monday through Thursday, and that means, in order to walk my dogs, eat breakfast, shower and make sure that I am worthy to be viewed should, on the off-chance, the Sacred Medium of Saint Scully be visiting either my place of business or the greater Phoenix area, I must be up quite early.

When I see new tales of Saint Scully's epic journey's on Sunday nights, I am filled with fervor and joy. I simply cannot sleep! I have tried everything, from reading "Breakfast at Tiffany's", to reading complex and unintelligible science manuals, to convincing myself that my throat is a bit scratchy, and dosing myself with Nyquil. Because it seemed to work for the PUNK, I even tried to go out into my car and surveil a house all night.

Alas, nothing works, and I end up having a sleepless night and being miserable, careless, and irritable the next day at work. If you have not yet noticed, I am sending you this email at 11 PM on 12/13/98, after the wonderful episode we just witnessed. Already, I am beginning to start my decent into sleeplessness, as She Who Gives Mysteriously Wrapped Packages To The Unworthy Punk, plagues my mind with the enigma of what those X-Mas presents were!

What should I do? How can I sleep? This was not a problem when the tales of Saint Scully's journeys was on Friday night, but now, especially considering the superiority of Season Six, I am at a loss! Please, help me find rest, so that I may strive to do my job as excellently as She Who Screams In Fear But Without Cowardice does hers!

I await your wise advice, no doubt in a state of consciousness,
Sister CC Decker

Dear Sleepyhead,

One word: Space. Trust me, and sweet dreams.

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Dear magnificent and *ever-so-forgiving* Sister Autumn,

I'm afraid I have strayed from the path of righteousness. I happen to be, in X-Phile terms, a shipper. A die hard shipper. Though I am well aware that Scully deserves better than He Who Ditches TBO Often, I can't see her with anyone else. Now, I most certainly don't think that Mulder and Saint Scully are equal, and he definitely would have to do some serious groveling before he wins her over, but I still feel more than slightly guilty about my position on the relationship field. Yes, I was ecstatic when Mulder kissed 1939 Scully in Triangle, but you must keep in mind that I cheered at a great volume when 1939 Scully soundly slugged him, too. My mind is a million places at once, apparently. Tell me, have I sinned unforgivably, or can I just get a good, sound kick in the pantsuit and commence to swooning in my teenage girl way?

Begging on her knees for forgiveness,

Dear Laura,

What exactly are you asking forgiveness for? Have you committed some felony you failed to mention besides wasting my time with frivolous questions? Being a shipper? Cheering when Mulder got slugged? I see no sin in either as long as you realize, as you do, that Scully always deserves better. Also, you still might want to cut out the swooning. It's not very becoming on a Scullyist.

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Dear Sister Autumn,

After an initial relapse following The Blessed One's Act of Doofiness in leaving Psychic Boy in the hands of the Least Secure Hospital in the Northwestern Hemisphere, it looked as if I would be hugging myself for yet another TV season. But after the really cool Drive adventure from Saint UberVince, I am fully recovered and ready to cheer on our fav Forensic Fed. Plus, I saw her featured in the Pop-Up Video of Garbage's "Stupid Girl".

"Smart Girls include: Agent Dana Scully, MD"

Woo-woo!!!! Now, if that Evil Seer Chris Carter doesn't have the DreamSequence Scully kiss the Jerk back instead of slapping him into the next dimension, I will be Ok.

And the reason I SAW those X-Files Ken & Barbies was the fact Kaybee Toys had them outside in the mall next to William-Sonoma, instead of hidden in the Barbie Section where I have vowed since the age of 4 never to enter.

Brother "I'm Much, Much Better now" RJ

Now I know I am in hell. Did someone forget to tell the Brothers that this is the holiday season? Ahem. I mean RJ, how very nice to hear from you again. I'm sure I'm speaking for the entire Abbey when I say we are just pleased as punch at your recovery. I'm know you'll enjoy that very special X-Mas present from me this year. I found it at Kaybee Toys just for you. Something about it just said "RJ", or maybe that was just a noise coming from the "Little Sweetheart Sip and Soil" doll behind me. Now back to the cellar like a good boy.

DD and his new "do"
Poll Results:
What the Hair Happened Here?
by Sister Paula R.

Perplexed by Season Six Mulderhair, the OBSSE in last month's newsletter asked our gracious readers to offer us their most logical SREs (Scully Rationale Explanations) for this monstrosity that has become Mulder's mane. A few sisters suggested we leave Mulder alone, and stop making fun of his hair. Alas, we cannot. It is what we do. ;) Extra credit really should go to Sister Rokken Robin, Metal Priestess, for her clarity of thought: "SuperCuts newbie on drugs. Nuff said." Read on for a few more excellent contributions....

scissors.gif (185 bytes)Jenna B (aka Sister Brownie):
"He let Frohike cut it."

scissors.gif (185 bytes) Sister Esther EMM:
"An unfortunate accident. On a visit to the former set of the Star Trek Classic episode "City on the Edge of Forever," his head was caught in a mechanical rice picker."

scissors.gif (185 bytes) Sister Sassejenn:
"There are evil forces at work everywhere. Apparently, they have conventions. In Mulder's barbershop. With chainsaws. That's all I know."

scissors.gif (185 bytes) Sister Bridget:
"Well, obviously, while doing something incredibly stupid, and entirely PUNKish, a bunch of killer cats attacked their true target. And they certainly did their job."

scissors.gif (185 bytes) Sister Mara Jade:
"It was sabotage I tell you! I crept into his trailer (after creeping overseas) and cut it with my potato peeler! Just to make him pale even more against Saint Scully's radiance!"

scissors.gif (185 bytes) Sister Jezebel:
"Fascinated by the idea of doing penance, Mulder asks Scully if there's something for which HE should do penance. "Sure," replies our Saint, as she points out that ditching is bad. Contrite (hey, this is a fantasy, ok?), Mulder asks what he should do in penance for this series of bad deeds. Scully reaches into her desk drawer and pulls out a scissors. "I get to cut off 1/8 inch of hair for every ditch." Mulder agrees reluctantly, and Scully leaves him with this horrific reminder of his malfeasance."

scissors.gif (185 bytes) Sister Joanne:
"It's either a very lame attempt to cover up forehead growth or to make Mulder look more like Jimmy Smits."

scissors.gif (185 bytes) Meg-Mulder:
"Oh, for God's sake. Mulder's in another one of his stupid-ass haircut phases. All I can say is if I were Scully, I wouldn't be seen with the yokel until he got a decent haircut like in seasons four and five."

scissors.gif (185 bytes) Shmoo:
"Mulder has been drinking a lot of milk. It is likely that his calcium-intensive diet caused his skull to enlarge, while his hair, impervious to the effects of excess calcium, remained the length it was before. Mulder's hair hasn't gotten shorter -- his head has gotten bigger."

scissors.gif (185 bytes) Sister Lauren:
"Jose Eber on crack."

Resolved: "I'm not going to do it."
by Sister Paula R.

"I'm not going to do it. My New Year's
resolution." -- St. Scully, "How the Ghosts Stole Christmas"

Ah well, New Year's resolutions are made to be broken. Not that we blame The Blessed One -- after all, her car keys were missing. For this month's poll, tell us (briefly) one more resolution Scully may have added to her list for the year 1999.

I think Scully added this New Year's resolution to her list:
Your Name: 

Your E-Mail: 

Are you an OBSSE Member? Yes No

I think St. Scully added this New Year's resolution to her list:

FanFic Picks

So RevMa says to me that it would be nice if I could do a few holiday recommendations this month for the special newsletter. Sure, no problem I think. Then it hits me. Do you people have any idea how hard it is to find GOOD Christmas related fanfic? Do you? Let me tell you it is NOT easy. However, since I do it all for you, I present the following gifts to be enjoyed during the holiday season. Next time we are back to normal, so if you've got recommendations, please email them to me at Oh, and special thanks again to the wonderful Sister Shari for her archive Chronicle X a great place for any Scully fan who loves good fanfic.

tanne.gif (1022 bytes)Nascent
OK, I lied. It isn't a Christmas story, but it does have a ski lodge in it. Does that work? No. Well, okay, how about this: I consider every thing Nascent writes to be a gift, and this is a lovely one. I just could not wait to recommend it until next newsletter. Our Sister has done it again, my friends. A compelling case file, written in first person Scully, in which Mulder tries to do something incredibly stupid (imagine that). If you want to give yourself a little something special for Christmas check out "Pi llar of Salt".

tanne.gif (1022 bytes)Barbara D.
Hmm, this isn't very Christmas-like either. I'm getting to those Christmas Recs, RevMa! I promise. (Editor's note: Sure. Fine. Whatever.) It's just that well, I read this little story from Barbara called "Stakeout Through the Heart," and it was just too good. I mean, it is Mulder and Scully on a stakeout actually TALKING about things that we want to hear them talk about, you know, the stuff the show always rips us off on! She also wrote this fun little character study called "D.K. (Dana) Scully, You've Got Unsuspected Depth" that gives us the real answer to the "who would you be" Small Potatoes question. Eleanor Roosevelt be damned.

tanne.gif (1022 bytes)Plausible Deniability
Yippee! Finally we are to the Christmas recommendations. Told you they were coming. Speaking of, Plausible Deniability's work has long been an, um, guilty pleasure of mine. This stuff is definitely not for our younger members, but let me just say if you occasionally read NC-17 fanfic this stuff is pretty damn good. Plus, it is usually quite funny as well. A lovely combination that takes place in the story "Blue Christmas" in which Scully makes a rather absurd Christmas wish. And you know what they say about being careful what you wish for.... You also should check out a pair of stories called "The Carrot and the Stick" and "The Clock Watcher" for a humorous look at Mulder and Scully's "first time." All of PD's work can be found at this website.

tanne.gif (1022 bytes)Loch Ness
Our next holiday favorite is actually a companion piece of sorts to some stories I recommended a while back, both parts of "The Five." In "Tin Foil," Mulder and Scully spend their Christmas in a witness protection program of sorts while the men behind the project are brought to justice. They are forced to make do for the holidays just to get by and, as a special bonus, the story features a Mulder at his most un-PUNKish. Enjoy. A wonderful little tale.

tanne.gif (1022 bytes)Sue Esty
This author's Christmas tale is unusually short for her, and be warned it is chock-full-o-angst. It's not what you think when Scully wants to buy Mulder a gift in "The Gift." Don't say I didn't warn you. While I have enjoyed her work for years, it is usually the long tales such as All Hallow's Eve or the Revelations series. Both of these exist in an alternate universe of sorts from what we know, but both are well worth your time. And they will take a lot of time. You can find all parts of these series either at The Novel Annex or Gossamer. There is even a Christmas story in the "All Hallows Eve" series called All Xmas Eve (click here for part 2).

tanne.gif (1022 bytes)Avril Brown
If you still have not had enough Christmas angst you can take a trip back in time for this little story called On the Eve. It is a take on Christmas during the great rift of season three. A sort of depressing little tale of how Scully's family might have reacted to her sister's death.

tanne.gif (1022 bytes)Karen Rasch
Last but not least, to make sure you walk away with a smile, the always reliable Karen Rasch has a Christmas story nestled in her wonderful Words series. For that special mooshie feeling, you can read The Gift of Words as Mulder and Scully exchange gifts. If you haven't read Karen's work before: A) What planet exactly are you from? and B) Go here immediately.

Editor's Note: know how much I love Karen Rasch, Sister Autumn. Thank you! Thank you! God bless us everyone!!! (Okay, I'm shutting up now... Hey! Watch your tone there, reader, or I'll throw in an animated Xmas Tree at the end of this newsletter, and we wouldn't want THAT!)

Welcome New Sisters and Brothers!
by Sister Lens-of-Science

Each month, we spotlight a few of our new OBSSE Brothers and Sisters. This month, we're featuring a few folks who were kind enough to tell us about the day each of them received Her Call...

snowman.gif (1092 bytes)Sister Perelandra long-windedly relates:
I have long been a lurker at your Most Wonderful and Holy Site Dedicated to St. Scully, but due to the evils of Sloth and RL, I have been reluctant to join your most Illustrious Order. I also, though a most devout admirer of both St. Scully and the Earthly Incarnation (especially as a role model to those vertically challenged as myself), had been testing my faith -- testing the limits of my beliefs, so to speak, in Her Saintliness.

Until I saw Act Two of "Triangle" Sunday night.

In just ten short minutes (and a free tour of the FBI building), through witnessing St. Scully's determination, strength, and a Torquemada-worthy verbal roasting of Jeffrey "Weasel Boy" Spudner, I found myself prostrate in beatific bliss, unable to deny any longer the Complete Sanctity of The Blessed One. Sitting at my computer, She then came to me in a vision, urging me to "get up off my ass and join OBSSE!" So here I am, imploring admission in the hopes that someday I may be worthy of the Bimbo-Nurse-Kicking, Terrorist-Routing, Spudboy-Punting Power Three-Inch Heels.

snowman.gif (1092 bytes)And Sister ChrisMN finally revealed:
Having recently attended an OBSSE premiere mass in Minnesota, I felt the strong bonds amongst the annointed and felt called to that most high of causes.

The Blessed One has been my guiding force since I first witnessed her visage during the second season. Although I can never hope to rise to her perfect model of womanhood, I feel this small step on my part is the beginning of a longer and higher journey that I will gladly and humbly undertake-whether in 5 inch heels, form-fitting colorless clothes or Intel hardware placed suspiciously on my personage.

[Ed. note: Just gets you right *there* doesn't it? No, *there*. Left. That's it.]

And in other news...

snowman.gif (1092 bytes)Sister Alice reports:
Well, thanks to TBO, I've started wearing a cross again (it goes with the oversized trenchcoat). Due to Her guidance, I can correct autopsy mistakes on other television shows. And I get out about as much as she does.

snowman.gif (1092 bytes)Sister BeeXF confesses:
I tend to use the phrase "sure..fine...whatever" waaay too often and considering that I live in Germany, this is more than a little strange.

New Year's Resolutions for the Average Guy
by Sister Steph

nyhats.gif (5608 bytes)Well, it's that time of year again.1999 is looming over our heads. We have only one year left before Y2K hits, and we all die from computer incompetence. Friends, if ever there was a time to reevaluate our lives as fans of the hit TV show "The X-Files," it's now.

Yes, yes, we can come up with New Year's resolutions for She of the Non-Prancy Step and Perfectly-Coifed 'Do. We could even come up with resolutions for that other guy. But why? Chris Carter and the assorted folks at 1013 just don't listen to reason. So this year's theme is *self*-improvement. What should we Philes do to improve our day-to-day existence? To better the world? What should we promise ourselves that we'll do, come hell or high water, only to keep telling ourselves that, "I'll start my resolutions tomorrow" till we wake up one day and realize that it's already November and we haven't done jack? Well, far be it from me to tell you what you should tell yourself to change while not changing anything. But, I *was* asked to do a column for the newsletter. So neener, neener. Here are my suggested resolutions for Philes in 1999.

nybal2.gif (975 bytes)Forget "Travelers" ever existed. Life will be *so* much more fulfilling.

nybal2.gif (975 bytes)Tape the danged show already. (NancyFF? Jenny-O? Don't pretend like you can't hear me.) Even if you have only three tapes (There's *no* shame in that ... NO shame) and tape on SLP (I don't know *who* you LP people are, but I know you're out there) and have to record over old episodes with each new one. I mean, what will you do if you haven't recorded it, and someone points out something *crucial* that you missed the first go-round, like Scully's not wearing pants from one angle? And on another note, do you have any idea, ANY IDEA, what I would be willing to do for a tape of "Small Potatoes"? Friends, what kind of a life IS this? Is it a life at all?

nybal2.gif (975 bytes)Start using words like "bleep" and "poo" and "nonmovieword" most of all "boinking" instead of more ... colorful phraseology. You'll find that you can walk into a toy store and not have to alter your speech patterns. (Except I can't quite stop saying "hell" and "bastard" but that's a whole 'nother story.) (Oh, "punk-ass" is another phrase that just falls off my lips, but I'm trying, oh God, I'm trying.)

nybal2.gif (975 bytes)Go to ATX and proclaim LOUDLY and OFTEN, posting as MANY DIFFERENT PEOPLE, how much you LOVE Spender and Fowley. Elaborate. Make it look real. And while you're at it, mention how you hope 1013 will delve into beeeee hussssssbandryyyyyyyy a LOT in Season six. Claim an undying love for Marita. This way, some peon intern will pass the news on to Chris Carter, who will feel trapped and proceed to kill all of the less palatable secondary characters, and make sure that the only references to bees involve Scully's lunchtime preferences. All will be as it should be.

nybal2.gif (975 bytes)Admit that no matter how bad it might be for the show, or how unstable Mulder is, Moose and Squirrel just cosmically BELONG together. In THAT way.

nybal2.gif (975 bytes)(Just for me) Stop projecting my viewpoints on the world at large.

nybal2.gif (975 bytes)Realize that no matter how Moose and Squirrel cosmically belong together, as long as the show is on air (and Chris Carter draws breath), they will never BE together in THAT way.

nybal2.gif (975 bytes)Stop projecting my viewpoints on the world at large.

nybal2.gif (975 bytes)Bore my eyeballs out with a corkscrew if I should accidentally read any Tithonus spoilers.

nybal2.gif (975 bytes)Stop projecting my viewpoints on the world at large.

nybal2.gif (975 bytes)Pity less phortunate phile phriends. My name is Steph and I have never seen "Home." Drop me a line if you can help.

Well, as you can see, I'm still working on it. There's always room for self-improvement! Hope these resolutions pan out for you. (ahem) And for me (ahem).

by Sister Kara (aka Zod)


A Christmas Blessing by Sister La..
Xmas! Scully
May your stockings be filled
with cellphones and dollies,
And may your Christmas be merrier
than The Enigmatic St. Scully's!

That's all for this month, folks! Special thanks go, as always, to our Elder of the Newsletter Sister Paula R. for putting this issue together, Sister La..Dee..Da.. for all of her fine graphic work, and to all our writers and contributors. See you again in February 1999! "News for the OBSSEsed"/OBSSE is copyright 1997-99 by Nancy Cotton.