Well, it's that time of year again. Christmas. Freaking Christmas. Christmas, the holiday that celebrates tinsel and holly and carols and pretty red bows and flying antelopes. Christmas, the period where people go nuts in the stores and buy fruitcakes that uncannily resemble their personalities. Christmas, the time when "spirit" is analogous with materialism and harried shoppers cultivate their ulcers in an attempt to find specialperfectamazing gifts for people who mean about as much to them as their toenail clippings. Christmas, the period when innocent people are bombarded with tinkling silver bells and frighteningly green trees with glittering white snow on them, regardless of the fact that their brains could conceivably be in the process of being fried by the blistering sub-equator temperatures at the time. Christmas, the mother of all commercialized holidays, the bane of my bank account and the plague of my December, is here again. Whoopdeedoo. Break out the bloody bubbly and kill the freaking fatted calf.

I work in retail. Can you tell?

Yes, I have a problem with Christmas. If I see one more shimmering angel, I'm going to stick a rusty fork in my neck (but not before I use the halo for unholy purposes). What was originally supposed to celebrate an event that means something to a lot of people has become a haven for materialism, superficiality and family dramas. But anyway. Last time I checked, I wasn't Cathy B (damn) so I shall stop ranting. Actually, when I do it, it sounds more like whining. Why is that? It's not fair-air.

Another utterly delightful aspect of the Christmas holidays (to steer this whining into the vicinity of a topic) is the Christmas specials on TV. How enchanting - we get to see every single Christmas episode of every single sitcom ever made, just in case we were unfortunate enough to miss them the year before. I am proud to say that I know what presents Alex buys at the 7-11 on Family Ties, and I've had time to fully appreciate the primate characteristics of the Olsen twins as accentuated by furry little Santa hats. My life is very nearly complete. Only one thing mars the sweet taste of Christmas puerility. 

Why doesn't The X-Files have holiday specials, dammit?

Oh, I know. We have Christmas Carol and How the Ghosts Stole Christmas as some fine examples of holiday fun. Scully emulates Mary and discovers her very own Immaculate Conception (except for the fact that the child later oozes green goo and dies without saving the world). Mulder and Scully demonstrate just how much they mean to each other, confirming their special bond with a loving exchange of lead. Well, I feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

But take heart, my friends. There is yet hope. I foresee the arrival of a messiah who will bravely lead XF into the land of plastic nativity sets and glow-in-the-dark Virgin Marys; a little child who shall pave the way to a brand new life for our dwindling show. Her name is the Sculder baby, and she hails from the picket fence.

TV shows need cute kids. It's a fact of life. As soon as Cindy hit puberty, along came Cousin Oliver. When Elise should have hit menopause, along came Andrew. When audiences were starting to hit the fan, along came Nicky and Alex. We're all aware of how rejuvenated the shows became as a result of these new arrivals. And I'm here to demonstrate how the Sculder baby will work such miracles on XF. 

Stop that screaming. It's rude. 

Mulder and Scully decide to take Sculder to the annual Scully Family Gathering. Initially there is some tension between Scully's surviving family members and Mulder, but after exchanging garish ties and diaper stories, Mulder and Bill bond and begin addressing each other as "bro." Sculder grows a tooth and the family celebrates the fact that it isn't pointy. Everybody toasts their health with alien vaccines.
Cast: Regis Philbin as Fox Mulder, Gillian Anderson Crowe as Dana Scully, Michaela Zeta Douglas as Sculder. 
Guest cast: Pat Skipper as Bill Scully, Kathie Lee Gifford as Tara Scully, Jonathan Lipnicki as Matthew Scully, Sheila Larken as the voice of Margaret Scully.
When Sculder falls and scrapes her knee, going into a coma and contracting amnesia as a consequence, Mulder and Scully pray for her  survival in the hospital chapel. They realize just how much Sculder means to them and how much they mean to each other, but opt to hug tenderly rather than make hot monkey lurve. As they reminisce about their times together (to the soundtrack of Celine Dion's "Because You Loved Me"), a doctor enters and informs them that Sculder's blood is green. To Be Continued. [In 11x22, Mulder and Scully awake to find that it was all a dream and Sculder is just fine, albeit getting significantly more irritating by the episode.]
Cast: Brad Pitt as Fox Mulder, Gillian Anderson Pitt as Dana Scully, Jennifer Pitt Jr. as Sculder.
Guest cast: Tim Curry as Kindly Hospital Doctor, Jennifer Love Hewitt as Evil Woman Who Dies a Horrible Death.
When Sculder suffers a crisis of Santa faith due to some cynical little friends, Mulder and Scully decide that she is old enough to know the truth. They spend the rest of the episode explaining that Santa's annual world tour is indeed possible since he is using alien technology in exchange for brainwashing the children of the world. Sculder is much relieved and the family sings carols around the tree as it snows alien bombs outside.
Cast: Garry Shandling as Fox Mulder, Gillian Anderson Fiennes as Dana Scully, Madeleine West Duchovny (for a limited time only) as Sculder.
Guest cast: Nicholas Lea as Nekkid Elf, William B Davis as Santa Claus.
All the best-loved characters of XF are reunited at a special Christmas dinner. We see Assistant Director Walter Skinner and Special Agent John Doggett, who ran away together in Season Nine. We see Gibson Praise, now a mature young male who has a distinct affection for little Sculder. We see Marita with her new hussssband, Jean Claude. All our favorite members of the Consortium play Scrabble around a kiddie table and fight over whether "continuity" is a word or not. Krycek dresses up as Santa, and Scully sits on his knee and requests to see the contents of his sack. Sculder enchants everybody by singing "Silent Night" in four keys at once. A UFO lands on the roof and the aliens murder everybody. [Final episode.]
Cast: David Boreanaz as Fox Mulder, Gillian Anderson Dushku as Dana Scully, Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen as Sculder.
Guest cast: Dude. Freakin' everybody.
I'm sure these examples are sufficient for you all to want to support me in this cause. Let Sculder live, dammit. She will breathe new life into the show and shed a little light on my dark cynical Christmases. All hail the messiah of XF. She is the Sculder baby and she will save the world.
Oh, and Merry Christmas. 



An Exciting New Catalog brought to you by Squat 

This season's catalogue brings to you our new Incredibly Professional collection! Agent Scully has boldly redefined what female FBI agents are wearing to work these days, and did we sit up and take notice! It's a stunning shift that says, "I've got far more important things to do than worry about what my colleagues can see through the gap in my straining, partially unbuttoned blouse." It proclaims, "I've got my priorities in order, thank you very much, and if I happen to wear a black H2O bra under a translucent white shirt, it means I'm preoccupied with upholding law and order." It declares, "I'm efficient, thrifty, and resourceful, and very concerned about excess fabric on my well-adjusted boobs".  And it positively shouts, "I've spent seven years making my male colleagues take me seriously in this testosterone- washed profession, and dammit, it's time to move on."

The White Tank Top of Authority
The look that started it all. Smart. Sleek. A no-nonsense skiff of white that bends and puckers in all the right places, reflecting the tightly focused energy of an agent on the go. It's a take-charge piece that goes from business to babe-o-licious with a simple tumescent quiver. 

Available in XXS only ......$49.95

The Black Push-up Bra of Bravery
No agent of the feminine persuasion should be without this basic item.  Whether wearing it with the White Tank Top of Authority, under the Pajamas of Purpose, or alone, the Bra of Bravery gives even the most seasoned of agents the sort of lift and perkiness that makes being mistaken for a temp- on-the-prowl all the more titillating.

Regular compression ......$55.00
Hydraulic compression ......$79.95

The Pajamas of Purpose
After a long day of having Jesus Slugs excised from your back with a penknife and searching for your missing soulmate, what better way to relax than to slip into these lovely satin PJs?  Note the single button strategically placed over the Black Pushup Bra of Bravery, leaving the tummy seductively exposed, much as it would be at the office.  Three-inch stiletto evening slippers courtesy of Frederick's of Hollywood.

Extra slippery ......$49.99

The Panties of Professionalism
Want to impress your new partner?  Make sure you flash these in your first real moment of panic.  Satiny smooth, they are sure to reflect romantic candlelight off your trembling buttocks as he checks out the welts on your lower back.  Guaranteed free of snags, pills, sagging elastic, and holes, because you just never know.

Scrumptious! ......pack of 3, $24.99

The Pantyhose of Perseverance
Are you known for your singleminded work ethic?  Well, don't let that stop you from enjoying life with these amazing hose that allow you to sleep with homicidal psychos at the drop of an impulse.  The secret?  They're gusset free.  Never have to remove them for a night of misguided, ill-advised passion ... again!

So sheer in places you'll never believe it ......$15.00/pair

The Merry Widow of Mulder-Missing
Formerly known as the Merry Widow of Methodicalness, we've updated this favorite to reflect the intense loneliness and feeling of loss that invariably goes with losing your partner to alien bounty hunters.  It's a terrific way to counterbalance the manly manness of your new partner.  Bet he wishes he had something to contain himself like this beauty does!

Available in regular and extra miserable ......$49.98


Latest House of Mirth News

 We finally have a release date for House of Mirth for the rest of the United States. While our friends in New York and L.A. enjoy and opening on December 22nd, look for Mirth to open in more major cities on January 19th. Also look for more critics to be somehow just amazed that, wow, Gillian Anderson can actually act. What planet these people are from, I do not know. At least the Village Voice got it right in their cover story this month on Anderson: "Anderson's work on The X-Files, counter to stereotype, transcends mere deadpan composure and often involves single-handedly adding dramatic heft and unexpected poignancy to attenuated plotlines." In addition to her recent BIFA award for the performance, Gillian came in second place in the voting for best actress by the New York Film Critic's awards. Other dates you might want to cross your fingers for are December 21st when the Golden Globe nominations are announced, January 30th when the SAG nominations are announced and February 13th when Oscar nominations are announced. Also be sure to check out the Official House of Mirth website.

Gillian Anderson Awareness Week 

It's that time again. House of Mirth is about to open so the obligatory rounds are being made to the talk shows in order to promote it. Look for Gillian to make appearances on the Today Show (December 18th), The Rosie O'Donnell Show (December 19th) and the Daily Show (December 21st). Let's just hope she's got a better story lined up than the one she told on Leno last... 

XF News 

The debut of the Lone Gunmen series is coming up and it looks like FOX intends to put The X-Files on hiatus for a while to do so. I'm sure fans won't mind having their show interrupted so they can delight in upcoming Gunmen fare with names like 3 Men and a Smoking Diaper, right? Judging from the writers announced for most of the upcoming episodes of X-Files, it looks like John Shiban and Vince Gilligan might be the 1013 producers spending most of their time with this spin off series.

Latest and Greatest Schedule

There's a whole lot of schedule shuffling going on these days, but by latest tally this is what we should be seeing on the X-Files in the near future:

12/17  8X07 - Via Negativa
           Writer: Frank Spotnitz / Director: Tony Wharmby
12/24  Preempted
12/31  Hollywood A.D. Repeat
1/07    8X09 - Surekill
           Writer: Greg Walker / Director: Terrance O'Hara
1/14    8X10 - Untitled
           Writer: unknown / Director: unknown
1/21    8X12 - Untitled
           Writer: unknown / Director: unknown
2/04    8X11 - The Gift
           Writer: Frank Spotnitz / Director: Kim Manners
2/11    8X13 - Medusa
           Writer:  Frank Spotnitz / Director: Richard Compton
2/18    8X08 - Untitled
           Writers: Chris Carter & Frank Spotnitz / Director: Kim Manners
2/25    8X14 - This Is Not Happening
           Writers: Chris Carter & Frank Spotnitz / Director: Kim Manners


By Melly B

So I was sitting at my computer, trying to think of something to write.  I wracked my brain.  Nothing.  I got up and walked around for awhile.  Nothing.  I banged my head against the nearest wall, but that hurt so I stopped.  Still nothing.  I thought about what Paula would do to me if I missed the deadline.  I began to tremble and cry, but otherwise, nothing.  I spent about an hour drinking heavily and popping Tic-Tacs like they were candy.  Oh, wait.  They are candy.  Moving right along...

I said to myself, "Melly, you brilliant creature, what is the one thing that people want to know?  What is the one thing that everyone is talking about?  What is The Issue That Must Be Discussed?  What is it truly All About (besides Scully, Autumn, and how funny we in the OBSSE think we are)?"

Alas, the answer eluded me.  I then said to myself, "Melly, you dolt, you have to think of something to write about.  Like, now.  And quit ending your sentences in prepositions, for the love of God."  And it came to me.  It hit me like ... something really heavy. 

More than anything, people want to know how in the heck Scully got pregnant, and I happen to have some inside information on that very subject.  So, in the spirit of the season, I present to you... [drumroll]

'Twas the Night Before "all things"

'Twas the night before "all things" and all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The Sig Sauer was left on the dresser with care,
In case any lunatics soon should be there.

Scully was nestled all snug in her bed,
While visions of Dreamsicles danced in her head.
And she in silk PJs, and I in the nude,
Had just settled down for a brief interlude.

When outside her window there arose such a clatter,
We sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Over to the window we ran in a flash,
Opened the blinds and threw up the sash.

The steam that rose up from the sidewalk below,
Made it hard to see anything from the window.
Then, what to my paranoid eyes should appear,
But a black helicopter that filled me with fear
With a one-armed driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be Krycek.

More rapid than eagles his copter it came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:
"Now Spender!  Now Strughold!  Now, First Elder and CGB!
On, Well-Manicured Man!  On Scandlon!  On Marita and Fowley!
To the top of the roof!  To the interior hall!
Now give Scully her ova!  We'll replace them all!"

So up to the rooftop the conspirators flew,
With the copter full of ova, and microchips too.
And then, in an instant, I heard at my back,
The sound of glass beginning to crack.

As I drew my gun, and was turning around,
In through the window Cancer Man came with a bound.
His suit was all wrinkled from traveling so far,
And his teeth were all tarnished with nicotine and tar.

A bundle of tobacco hung from his mouth,
And he looked like his health was headed straight south.
But his eyes -- how they glowered!  His smirk -- how frightening!
His face so impassive, his cigarette lighting!
The cigarette he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.

He looked almost kind as he explained to Scully and me,
That with her consent, he wanted to restore her fertility.
He held a remote, which he pointed at her,
And programmed the microchip to act as a cure.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave us to know we had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but finished his work,
He finished it quickly, then turned with a jerk,
And climbed quickly out of the window to leave,
And giving a nod, he rolled up his sleeves,
And sprang to his copter, to his team gave a cry,
And away they all flew, as quick as they arrived.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight, 
"Now you two can make a baby tonight!"

*    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *

So, now you all know how it happened.  That's my story and I'm sticking to it.


The X-Files is owned by FOX. No copyright infringement is intended. The OBSSE and News for the OBSSEsed are intended for entertainment purposes only. In other words, it's a joke folks. Thanks to all who contributed this month. All articles and columns appearing in News for the OBSSEsed are copyrighted to the authors.