Issue No. 26, August 1999
To the Summer Fun Edition
Sometimes it just seems like these hiatus summers drag on forever! The good news is that at least the X-Files has resumed filming at this point thus officially opening the summer spoiler season. The bad news is we will once again have to wait months still for the series premiere. Am I the only one who finds it a bit frightening that people are getting excited at an October 31st start of the season because at least it is not in November again? Sheesh, I remember the days when we bitched about an early October start. Those were the days. And we walked barefoot in the snow uphill to the remote control.
Anyway, in a desperate attempt to keep ourselves distracted from the wait as we all muddle through this hot August, we offer you the OBSSE Summer Fun newsletter which will hopefully be like a summer breeze without being hit by a semi truck. Or something like that.
k1w1's Big Adventure
[Editor's Note: Sister k1w1 hails from New Zealand, and surprised the Abbey in May by announcing her intent to attend the Scully Marathon in Bellingham, Washington -- thereby demonstrating beyond a shadow of a doubt that her devotion to all things Scully knows no bounds.]
Having only ever been to Sydney & Melbourne several times each during the 70's, k1w1 decided to fly 8,000 kms to Vancouver to spend the weekend in Bellingham for the Scully Marathon with the Northwesters.
I treated myself to a new suitcase for the occasion - one of those dinky ones on wheels with the handle thingy that pulls out, the kind that important people have at airports.
I am told I should have been "excited" during the lead up to the trip, but quite frankly the best part was the look on people's faces, when I told them I was going. Even my dentist was excited for me. (I lead a very sheltered, controlled life. I don't normally fly half way round the world at five weeks' notice.)
After arranging to have the "pet parrot" looked after I set off. I knew I wouldn't sleep on the plane but figured with 20mumble years working shift work I could handle the sleep deprivation - WRONG. First, after a five hour flight they dumped us in Honolulu at midnight for three hours to change planes (by the way I can't handle heat, makes me sweat, enough said). Also, I was with a Canadian who insisted we go outside and wander around, because it was such a "lovely" night. The next leg was to Vancouver; another nine hours and the plane was full!
My host in Vancouver, known to some of you as annaSPI was late, said she was caught in traffic - HA! I found a Starbucks so all was well.
After settling in and being told over and over again that the weather should be at least 10C hotter in May, I prepared to do the holiday thing. JenSPI took us on a tour of Vancouver X-File style complete with running commentary. Thanks to her, most episodes from seasons 1-5 have been ruined for me; I have either "been to" or seen from a distance, the shooting locations of a good number of them. Earlier, annaSPI and I had explored Lake Bunsten where Quagmire was filmed.
The big Marathon Weekend arrived and I found myself going over the border to the U. S. of A. The border guards took one look at me and my story and we all had to go to the office. I had to be issued with... now pay attention... this is where it gets tricky: a piece of paper stamped and signed and stapled into my passport saying that I "didn't need a visa" to visit the U.S. I already knew that... I told them that... but no, they had to drag us all out of the car and... My personal opinion is that the guard took one look at Anna and Jen and thought he would give his pals in the office a treat. They all had a good perv while I was being "processed."
The Marathon Experience was amazing. I have always been single-minded about my interests. I don't like much, but what I do like, I like a lot of. And I have had some very intense interests over the years. But this just blew me away. The Northwesters I met eat-sleep-live and breathe X-Files. I consider myself to have a healthy interest in the X-Files and all that surrounds it... including OBSSE... but I am a novice compared to what I saw and heard at the Marathon gathering. Also, it is the first time in my life that I have been with people that share an interest of mine to this extent. I have to get used to the fact that everything about day-to-day life can and should be related back to the X-Files in some way.
The Northwest Marathon held in Bellingham, Washington, was organized, planned and executed perfectly by ScullyFu. Oh, and she also fed, watered and provided a roof for us out-of-towners. To see, in an almost theatre-like atmosphere, chosen episodes with other X-philes, that are actually saying out loud what I am thinking took a bit of getting used to. These people also not only knew the episodes frame by frame... but when the sound was turned off during an "if it ain't broke don't fix it" few seconds during the opening music... everyone started whistling the theme tune until the sound came back on. At that moment I knew...THESE PEOPLE ARE OBSSESED. Then a little voice in my head reminded me just who had flown 8000kms to meet these people... go figure. I even have an XF Hat given to me by ScullyFu because I simply had to have been the "furtherist" Marathoner there.
During the Marathon, I couldn't help but sit back and marvel, that all the planning and organization, at this and all the other Marathons were all because of an actress called Gillian Anderson. I don't think she will ever really know just how many people she has brought together, and how much fun we have all had because of her.
I did the touristy thing during the second week, and as part of a half day trip, went up the gondola to Skyland Mountain... why do these people insist on calling it GROUSE Mountain in all the brochures. I figured if the PUNK could climb out of one of these; the least I could do was ride up and down in one. By the way I don't like heights but I made the sacrifice for the sake of XF.
The Dread White Shirt
by Sister Boris
This summer in Winter Park, Colorado, a cry was heard, a cry that broke glass and shook foundations. This cry must be heard, and I implore you to listen.
BURN THE SHIRT.
This year, our goal is to abolish the Dread White Shirt (DWS). Now, I'm not going to start on the historical use of the colour white, and I'm not going to start on the Madonna/whore issues that Chris Carter so clearly has. I'm not attacking 1013, I'm merely asking you look, just *look* at the havoc that has been wreaked by the horror that is the DWS in the space of just one season!
Exhibit A: How the Ghosts Stole Christmas
This is the first appearance of the DWS. The DWS is worn through the entire episode, and what thanks does it offer to kind, generous Scully who deemed it worthy of touching her soft skin for 44 minutes of airtime? She gets SHOT. In the STOMACH. "As an employee of the [FBI], you should know that a gunshot wound to the stomach is probably the most painful and the slowest way to die..."
<sniffle> Poor Scully.
Is that any way to treat a Saint?
Exhibit B: Tithonus
The real kicker about this is that it immediately followed "How the Ghosts Stole Christmas." (I'm talking episode number, not air date.) Okay, so the DWS was cruel, ungrateful, and an all-around bad shirt. She gave it a second chance. And how did it repay our beloved Saint? She got nonmoviewording shot AGAIN. And again, it was in the stomach. Hello? This shirt is out to get her!
Good thing she's a Saint, sez I, otherwise, she'd be long gone.
Exhibit C: Milagro
She was doing so well. She was avoiding the DWS. Okay, so maybe she was wearing all together too much black, but that's another issue. But then she pulls the DWS out of her closet, and what happens? Heart ripped out of her chest. Viciously. While she's awake. Coincidence? You be the judge.
I tell ya, that's some shirt.
Why, oh why doesn't she recognize the power derived from avoiding it? Look at what happens when she shuns the DWS and goes the other way:
Exhibit D: S.R. 819
Are those purple scrubs I see? And, oh my, who is that angelic-looking woman saving Skinner's life wearing those fantastic purple scrubs? I think it just might be Scully. Who'd've thunk it?
Exhibit E: Agua Mala
There isn't a DWS to be seen in this entire episode... but what can't she do in that spiffy apron and even spiffier gloves? Hey, I knew she was a doctor, but an OB/GYN? That woman can do anything when she's not wearing the DWS. See what happens when she does the Right Thing?
Exhibit F: Monday
This exhibit is particularly important. One fine Monday morning, Scully chose a black shirt, and Mulder got shot. Repeatedly.
Those of you complaining about the overwhelming amount of black clothing present in the CHarc* are looking the wrong direction. Bring on the black (ew, except for that zippered pantsuit)! Bring back the beige! Just please - BURN THE SHIRT.
A Plastic Incarnation Travelogue
Produced & Directed By: Sister Autumn
Script By: Sister Paula
Many a time in the Abbey we've heard Brothers and Sisters wish that The Blessed One could finally take a wonderful vacation someplace with delightful frozen drinks and buff men and leave all her cares behind. Well, Sister Autumn decided to do the next best thing and brought her Plastic Incarnation to Maui with her. However, things did not exactly go according to plan when Mulder decided to join her on her vacation as well... in fact they took a decidedly odd turn...
SCULLY: So anyway, I always assumed that was your area over there.... Hmm... what is that I see buried in the sand?
MULDER: Where? Where, Scully, where? Where?
MULDER: Where? Where?
SCULLY: Mulder, I think you are experiencing some sort of heat induced cranial event brought on by the fact that you were completely unable to pack correct clothing for a warmer climate.
MULDER: Scully, where is it? What are you talking about? I can't see it! Tell me!
SCULLY: Mulder. Look down.
MULDER: Must... touch it....
SCULLY: Mulder, no.
MULDER: I have to.
SCULLY: Mulder, no.
MULDER: How many times have we been here before, Scully? Right here. So close to the truth and now with what we've seen ....
SCULLY: This is different, Mulder. That's an ancient artikifact....
SCULLY: What is it Mulder? Do you have a fever?
MULDER: No. This is going to sound weird but I think it's that thing.
SCULLY: The artikifact? You think its ancient inscription from Mars has had an effect on you - only you?
MULDER: Well. Yes.
SCULLY: And now you're buried in sand.
MULDER: No, no I'm not.
SCULLY: Mulder, whatever is causing this I think it needs immediate attention. I'm going to schedule you an imaging scan.
MULDER: No! I'm okay. I really am!
SCULLY: Mulder, you're not okay. If nothing else, you should be at home in bed.
MULDER: I'm *not* going home to bed, Scully. I think I know what's causing this and I know what's going on with that artikifact!
SCULLY: You're going home RIGHT NOW! And I'm going back to the beach to investigate the high levels of CGUVRs.
SCULLY: Cosmic galactic ultra-violet rays. Nothing a little SPF30 won't take care of.
<sound of cell phone ringing>
SCULLY: Scully. What's that? More artikifacts? A big one? On the beach? Sure... I'll look... in a while.....
In the Abbey Kitchen....
It's that time of year. Those long days of summer when a nun's wimple starts to wilt and she can't peel one more potato during X-File reruns. This month we sent fresh recruits to the Abbey Kitchen to whip up some new creations that would tempt the tastebuds of TBO and rally the spirits of the Rogue...er... Kitchen Crew. Enjoy.
Sister Beer's Anti Non Fat Tofutti Rice Dreamsicle Recipe
(Vegans...avert your eyes...)
2 cups heavy cream
2 cups half & half
2/3 cup sugar
2 oz. unsweetened chocolate, chopped
5 oz. semi-sweet chocolate, chopped
6 egg yolks, well-beaten
1 tsp vanilla
1 potato peeler
Melt both chocolates, together, in a double boiler. (Take care that no water ends up in the melted chocolate - otherwise, it will seize up and not incorporate properly.)
Bring cream and half & half to a simmer in a large heavy saucepan. Add sugar; stir until sugar dissolves. Remove from heat. Pick up potato peeler and set it down nearby.
Add chocolate, stir until smooth. Gradually whisk 1/2 cup chocolate mixture into the egg yolks. (Make sure the chocolate mixture and the yolks are at the same temperature; otherwise the eggs will curdle.) Add the vanilla.
Return mixture to saucepan. Stir over medium-low heat for 10-15 minutes or until mixture thickens and coats the back of a spoon. Cool mixture completely, by walking into the living room and placing the sauce pan in your fridge. (It is very important that you stir this often as it chills.)
When the custard is thoroughly cooled, place it in your ice cream freezer and follow the manufacturer's directions. In the time it takes to complete the churning (if you've got an electric ice cream maker) you can clean your Sig.
Scully's Chocolate Fixation Mousse (but no Squirrel) Pie - from Sister Kristin B
1-4 oz. package of Baker's German sweet chocolate
1/3 cup milk
2 tbsp sugar
1 3-oz. package cream cheese, softened
1 small container Cool Whip
1 9-inch graham cracker crust
1 potato peeler
Heat chocolate and 2 tablespoons milk in pan over low heat, stirring with potato peeler or large spoon until chocolate is melted. Beat sugar into cream cheese, add remaining milk and chocolate mixture and beat until smooth. Fold this into Cool Whip and blend until smooth. Spoon into prepared piecrust. Freeze until firm, for about 4 hours.
Smooth-as-Skinner's-Sexy-Bald-Head Southern Pound Cake
(From Southern Living Magazine brought to you by Sister Kristin B)
1 cup butter or margarine, softened
3 cups sugar
3 cups sifted cake flour (regular flour works)
1/4 tsp baking soda
6 large eggs
1 8-oz. carton sour cream
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 potato peeler
Beat butter at medium speed with an electric mixer about 2 minutes or until creamy. Gradually add sugar, beating at medium speed 5-7 minutes. Combine flour and baking soda, and add to butter mixture 1 cup at a time. (Batter will be extremely thick. Test thickness with potato peeler.)
Separate eggs; add yolks to batter and mix well. Stir in sour cream and vanilla. Beat egg whites until stiff and fold into batter. Spoon into a greased and floured 12 cup Bundt or 10 inch tube pan. Bake at 300 degrees for 2 hours or until a wooden pick inserted in center comes out clean. (You may also spoon batter into two 9x5x3-inch loaf pans; bake at 300 degrees for 1 and 1/2 hours or until a wooden pick inserted near the center comes out clean.) Cool in pan on wire rack 10 to 15 minutes. Remove from pan; cool completely on wire rack. Slice and serve topped with sweetened whip cream and berries.
from Sister Holly
6 egg yolks
6 tbsp sugar
3 cups half & half
1 vanilla pod or 1 tsp vanilla extract
1/2 cup light brown sugar
1 potato peeler. Or blow torch.
Beat the egg yolks slightly, then add sugar. Beat for 5 minutes or until eggs are lemon colored. Place the cream and the vanilla pod in the top of a double boiler, then bring to a boil. Pour in a small amount of the hot mixture over the egg mixture beating constantly. Return to the remaining hot mixture and cook over hot water for 3 to 4 minutes or until slightly thickened. Remove the vanilla pod and pour into heat resistant serving dishes. Chill for 6 to 8 hours or until set. Sift the brown sugar and sprinkle evenly over the custard. Place under the broiler about four inches from the source of the heat until brown sugar melts.
This is a classic book version. You can use sugar crystals instead of brown sugar and if you can find the multi colored ones it adds a touch of uniqueness to the top. Try a blow torch (don't laugh it works) to caramelize the top. Also if you want to be really different add 1 tsp. almond extract as well. It gives it a zing.
Sister Mandy's Covarrubius Compote
Fruit compote over vanilla bean ice cream works wonders, although it won't find your other shoe if you should find yourself abandoned in a large building. Basically, you take some fruit, such as blueberries, with either mango or a few raspberries, if you have them and cook them down with a bit of water, a little bit of white or brown sugar (depending on how sweet your ice cream is) and port wine to taste. Serve over ice cream with potato peeler garnish.
Soft Lite, contributed by Sister Cuba Gooding Jr.
I am the winner of this year's Hoboken Martha Stewart Lookalike contest. Of course, I live in Europe so I am not sure how I ended up in Hoboken and whether you will be able to follow my recipe, but I thought it would be fitting if I offered it anyway. This recipe is simple and rewarding but doesn't even have a name as it is an invention of my mother's (God bless her Moulinex 2000). Please keep in mind that Europeans have very different dessert habits and do not regard anything cake-like as a necessary accompaniment to a good meal - but more as a necessary accompaniment to a good cup of coffee. What I love to make in the summertime is a dessert out of cottage cheese and vanilla pudding. Just make a whole lot of vanilla pudding with some extra milk and sugar so that it is a bit softer than it would be if you wouldn't want to mix it with anything. Stir in cottage cheese - in a 2 pudding to 1 cottage cheese ratio. Try to find soft, light, squishy cottage cheese, not the dry crumble-off-your-bread kind. Taste, and add sugar and/or vanilla extract to your liking. If you are cooking for a weight-unconcerned group, fold in a bit of whipped cream. If you are cooking for a weight-unconcerned group of adults, fold in a bit of rum. You can also add canned pineapple or, better, mandarin oranges to simulate the presence of actual vitamins. Decorate with whipped cream and the fruit you used if any. This is a rather light (though it doesn't sound like it) summertime dessert I was very successful with at the last Nice Dessert Festival. From the prize money, I took my mom to McDonald´s. After all, it was her idea.
Sis Pip's Memento Meringues
Preheat oven to 250. Take two egg whites and beat them on high until they start to get stiff. Beat in 6 tablespoons of sugar, one at a time, and a quarter-teaspoon of vanilla extract. Set the beaters on low and beat in two more tablespoons of sugar. Cover cookie sheet(s) with waxed paper. Drop meringues on paper using a teaspoon for small ones, a tablespoon for large ones, or potato peeler for ones you won't be eating. (Small are easier to bake.) Bake for 40-60 minutes. The trick with meringues is that both sugar and egg whites burn very easily. So you need to bake them at a (relatively) low temperature for a very long time, so that the moisture bakes out of them, but nothing burns.
The OBSSEWood Minute
By Sister Autumn
The summer may still be long for those of us waiting for the season premiere of the X-Files, but things are finally moving in Los Angeles as shooting resumes. It seems the tradition of shooting episodes out of order of airing will continue this year. The first episode shooting is not the much anticipated conclusion to "Biogenesis" in which Chris Carter, no doubt, will try to once again weasel out of the corner he painted himself into, but instead a quirky monster of the week episode penned by fan favorite Vince Gilligan and directed by Kim Manners. At the time this column was written no episode name was available, but that information should soon be whispered throughout the Abbey walls. A word of caution to all you spoiler hounds out there - I've seen an even more amazing amount of misinformation out there than usual this year, so remember to be skeptical and know who to trust.
FOX and 1013 are currently playing a will they or won't they game in regards to a possible season 8 of the X-Files. FOX, struggling with a number of losses of hour long shows at the end of this season does not want to see this franchise end despite the fact that both Chris Carter's and David Duchovny's contracts are up. Poor Gillian was of course lassoed into a year longer extension in order to get that raise she so obviously deserved. Both Duchovny and Carter are playing coy about signing on for an 8th season, but here's hoping they stick by their principles and let the show move towards its natural end.
While there is celebration in the Abbey, things are not so peachy keen at 1013 these days as Gillian Anderson snagged the only major Emmy nomination of the year out of the X-Files eight nods. While Carter clearly tried to sway the Emmy committee this year with his stunt episode "Triangle", his efforts were roundly ignored and Duchovny also failed to make the cut of this year's Best Actor nominees. You can root Gillian on towards what we hope is her second win when the Emmys are televised by the FOX Television Network on Sunday, September 12th. Other X-Files nominations were for Art Direction (One Son), Cinematography (The Unnatural), Editing (S.R. 819), Makeup (Two Fathers/One Son), Music Composition (S.R. 819), Guest Actress (Veronica Cartwright), and Sound Editing (Triangle).
It all started out rather harmlessly on the OBSSE mailing list, a simple spoof on the popular film "Blair Witch Project", but seeing as we don't do anything halfway at the OBSSE this joke exploded over a hilarious few days of antics by a number of playful list members and whiz bang graphic designer folks. If you want a good laugh - even if you don't understand all the jokes - check out this little gem of a website that chronicles the whole series of events now a part of OBSSE folklore:
SCULLY CRAFTS: Rogue Corner
By Sister Meredith
(Editor's Note: Since we've noticed our "Kitchen Crew" seems to be so adept at not only peeling potatoes but also fashioning fine weaponry from almost any available substance to be used at the drop of a wimple to storm 1013 headquarters and demand better treatment for She Who Looks Mighty Fine In Kevlar Herself Thank You Very Much I issued a challenge to them. And these are the results. For those of you wondering just what "Pitch-Tacs" are, well, that particular new phrase in the Abbey vernacular was born during our infamous "Jersey Devil Project" mentioned earlier in this newsletter. No doubt next month the Rogues will share with us how to track surfers by reading the dried water splatters on the ground...)
Making a Deadly Weapon from a Single Blade of Grass
Time Required: Less than one minute for assembly plus five for chemical reaction.
- A Single Blade of Grass
- One Can of Aqua-Net
- Two Pitch-Tacs*
Step One: Choose a well formed blade of grass. The most preferable would be grass from Pine Barrens, New Jersey as its chemical composition is already questionable. However, any grass will do in a pinch, especially St. Augustine or Fescue.
Step Two: Hold the two Pitch-Tacs in your mouth (WARNING: Do not swallow) until a solution of three parts pitch and two parts saliva is formed. It should be extremely sticky yet just at the point it does not stick your teeth, gums, and tongue together.
Step Three: Spit this out on the grass and spread carefully until the blade is completely covered.
Step Four: Wait five minutes. In this time, the Pitch-Tacs will cause a reaction changing the chemical composition of the grass and forming a poison when injected.
Step Five: When the grass is stiff, spray with Aqua-Net. This will prohibit possible bending.
Step Six: Sharpen with a rock on a piece of bark, if necessary, and away you go.
(*If you do not already know how to make a batch of Pitch-Tacs, the recipe is being reworked due to its hallucinogenic properties and is currently classified.)
by Sister Autumn T.In the spirit of the "Summer Fun" edition of the newsletter, I've decided to spend this column making some fun of the people who write to me for guidance. What? You say I do that every month? Well, at least it fits the newsletter theme this month. So there. If you feel the need to unburden your soul and find the answers to those great mystical questions in the Scullycentric universe while at the same time potentially opening yourself up for blatant mocking, well I'm the gal to write. After all, some folks come off relatively unscathed - who knows - you could too. Just take your chances by writing to me at Ask Sister Autumn if you're feeling lucky.
Dear Most Demure One (sorry, my creativity has taken a back seat this morning):
There is this guy at work. No, wait, Autumn... come back. I'm not asking for dating advice. I have taken an oath of celibacy that rivals St. Scully's... I think I am beginning to understand why She doesn't smile more often, let me tell you. But, I digress.
Sister Autumn, this is a perfectly nice man, but he insists on throwing little balled up pieces of plastic wrap (or food film, as we lovingly refer to it here) at my head. It's not a big head. I certainly don't have a target pasted to the back of it. I'm not even terribly wrong-haired. I have called upon my inner St. Scully and so I have been ignoring this bizarre behavior. It isn't working. He continues to point and laugh and say things like, "You don't even try to get away!"
Is there any other Saintly, demure way to rid myself of this attention? My trigger finger is getting awfully twitchy lately. But, I would hate to spend time in prison on the account of such a boorish man. Which brings up another question... would I do time for shooting a tattooed freak with a Daisy air rifle?
Yours in All Her Glory Which Permeates the Abbey,
Sister "Where Is My Abbey-Issue Sig!" Beer
Sister Beer (Whose name always fills me with a certain effervescence),
Step away from the air rifle. We would not want you to put an eye out.
Clearly ignoring this PUNK wannabe is not the correct course of events. They are really not known for modifying their behavior even when ignored. I think we've learned that from The Blessed One's stern refusal to even acknowledge most of Mulder's attempts at goading juvenile humor. Have you attempted to mimic the Scully Death Glare (tm) a la "Blessing Way"? If that doesn't work it is quite possible that this socially stunted individual does have a crush of sorts on you and has resorted to his inner junior high self in order to gain your attention. I fear spitwads may be next. In any case, if you have exhausted the death glare to no avail a well timed Scullyism aimed at where it hurts will probably do the trick if properly delivered. I'm thinking something along the lines of "Do that one more time and you'll be peeing through a catheter."
Oh great Autumn upon whose wisdom, grace, and demureness I have come to equate only with the most intelligent of women on the face of this planet, I solemnly come to you with two very serious questions:
1) I took a weekend and decided to rewatch a few of my favorite episodes that have lovingly been taped and hermetically sealed to keep in the freshness. I went all the way back to The Pilot and worked my way through to the current season. All I have to say is... WHAT IS UP WITH THE BLESSED ONE'S VOICE? Was part of her abduction a voice-box-ectomy? It appeared (or at least sounded) like her voice got deeper or stronger... not that I'm complaining or anything, but can you explain this?
2) I've been having evil thoughts about someone. Evil, evil, evil thoughts that involve him, whipped cream, an ice cube, and a stack of Carmen McRae jazz CDs. I wish I could say whom but I am too embarrassed. I can clue you in that he belongs to the scientific order of rodentia homo sapia... is there any hope for me...
Ever penitent... (and kicking back a few Red Devils)
1) Sometimes people's voices do indeed change over time. Though I think that the lower and stronger voiced Scully we see today is a bit of an acting choice by the Earthly Incarnation to add more weight and gravity to Scully. Frankly, I like the change as a way of showing how her experiences have altered her outlook. Though that little whine in "Jersey Devil" about having to drive home alone will always be priceless.
2) As for your little fantasy, I'm afraid it will be you, not Carmen, singing the blues in this case. Everyone knows Krycek only has eyes for Mulder, and certainly does not approve of the kicking of Red Devils, or White Russians for that matter.
Dear she whom it's all about,
I am considering seeking admittance to thine fair Abbey, but I need claritication on a sensitive issue oh wise one. Are the (gulp) wrong-voiced welcomed into the hallowed halls that bow before her Holy Pantsuitedness?
I try to emulate the Blessed One in every way, going so far as to regularly exercise and perfect the brow arch (with minimal forehead wrinkling I might add). I am fearful oh trout wielder that I will be rejected for my so-wrong-accent. How will I be able to commune with the sistren and brethren?
I am attempting to be proactive about my dire situation and have started to repeat Her words of wisdom daily. I've almost mastered 'I'm fine', but I cannot hope to ever recite multi-syllable medical terminology in a way that would make our Saint proud.
I'm not particularly prancy, does this improve my chances?
the vernacularly challenged Welsh bird
Fear not. Unlike being wrong-haired or prancy, being wrong-voiced can always be solved in looping. So just find yourself a good sound studio and the proper recording equipment. In fact, according to some of our Sisters in Germany, the most heinous example of wrong-voiced takes place there perpetrated by the German voice actress who dubs The Blessed One like a big butch steroid experiment gone bad. It certainly can't get much worse than that now can it? I'd say after that a Welsh accent is just fine. Besides, most people can't recite the medical terminology Scully does without becoming hopelessly tongue-tied. Now I am curious though what nasopharangeal mass sounds like when you say it. I'm a little bit concerned that a Welsh accent may make it sound like a small furry woodland creature or a rare moss.
Dearest Autumn, she about whom it all is (and I have the picture to prove it):
All of my friends say Scully sucks. What should I do? Are there any special training exercises I can do in order to put the smackdown on them?
I've been meaning to take up a martial art, and I was wondering if you could tell me which I should begin studying. Which do you think virtual!Scully studied in order to do that PornoNurse!Kick?
Thanks for your help.
You would not be trying to taunt Sister Autumn would you? That would be so out of character for one of the FFs. Why it seems just the other day I was talking about how annoying it was to get umpteen "my whatever thinks Scully sucks" letter to this column and here you are oh so coincidentally with this little gem. Are you trying to make me nonmoviewording snap?
... and now for a brief Ask Sister Autumn announcement ...
Ahem. Is this thing on? You people out there... if you are thinking of writing me a letter like that, don't. Really. It's been covered. More times than I care to recall. And you know what? I don't really care if your little friend/parents/dog think Scully is stupid. I've got bigger fish to fry. And frankly, I really don't want to know about them and what they tell you between drawing pictures of the Backstreet Boys on their 8th grade notebooks. Be your own damn person. Is this picture becoming clear? Do I need to PornoNurse!Kick it into your thick little skulls? Do I?
Barbie, I'll trust you wrote only for me to get that out of my system. As for what martial art I think Scully (or Virtual!Scully) studied I'd have to say Tae Kwon Do. Even though we all know Her Kung Fu is the best.
oh she whose demureness is a guiding beacon for all who seek to follow the path of blessed-one-ness,
i fear i may have committed a grievous sin indeed. i was trying my best to become righthaired, honestly, but it just didnt work. my hair uncooperatively refuses to follow the path of righthairedness no matter how i try. so in a rather hasty move i cut it off-& now i am punkish, perhaps even Weedwacker. i realize the error of this but beg forgiveness as not everyone can be righthaired and it actually looks better this way, sort of rod stewart. if it helps any i have never been prancy whatsoever, dont know if that is any compensation but it is at least a measure of good faith-
Is anyone else frightened that the only capitalization in this whole letter was the word "Weedwacker"? I guess I should be happy with the little punctuation I got.
Sister Sheep, trust me. Your hair is the least of your worries.
Dearest Sister Whose Wisdom Is Dispensed With the Utmost Demureness and Scientific Accuracy,
I believe I have been witness to one of the most horrid, blasphemous moments in history. No, not the Cross Your Heart and Hope To Die Bra, although that ranks up there.
My husband, my beloved mate, the one who will eventually father my children, called Our Blessed Scully frumpy.
I am at a loss over how to handle this situation. Obviously, I want children with a spotless genetic makeup, but the only rational explanation for this foul utterance is severe inbreeding on his side of the family. Is there any hope for him and my unborn Scullyists? Or am I doomed to watch my children mock Her endlessly and spout insane theories? Please help!
It's best you found out now, don't you think? There is only one hope. Perhaps he had recently seen the Pilot or one of those first season episodes where Scully was wardrobe impaired. Or maybe, just maybe, he flashed back on the curling iron/unfortunate beige period of season two. However, if he was referring to anything season three or beyond I'd have to write him off as a lost cause and consider adoption seriously.
Dear Sister Autumn, who's Brilliance is like a Little Light House when her Gold Words Rope & Rodeo the Dark Clouds of Life in Bouquet Above;
This is an Emergency.
For three weeks now, I have been extolling to my numerous online associates about a certain pop song by a female singer named "Bree Star" called... pardon me "David Duchovny". Basically this a slightly humorous, hook-filled little ditty about an overzealous FemPhile in love with the so called "American Heathcliff" that portrays the Jerk that Continually Annoys and Ditches The Blessed One. Frankly, I thought the song was an absolute hoot and just had to tell EVERYONE I personally knew about this tune.
The thing is, I used to think one of the last lyrics was "Please Don't Kiss Scully", due in part to the poor reception on my office clock radio. Later, I heard on my car radio the line to be "He's Gonna KISS Scully", which I took to be some silly Shipper sloganing since so many FemPhiles picture themselves as St. Scully the Fantastic Forensic Fed in various insane fantasy about kissing Mulder or that Duchovny guy themselves. Still, I kept listening happily to the song and extolling it's virtues to various friends and associates.
Then I made a HORRIBLE discovery that shook me to my soul:
I learned that lyric is in fact: "I'm Gonna KILL Scully..."
Have I unknowing committed some Horrid BLASPHEMY Against the Blessed One???? I didn't mean to!!!! Really! I Mean it!! I would NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER EVER Think such HORRID, UNTHINKABLE (at least now) THOUGHTS Before!!! What can I do to Redeem this Humble Brother in the eyes of the Order and St. Scully herself????? Is there ANYTHING I can do to make up for this unspeakable, and yet completely unwittingly performed, act of Heresy against our Dear Lady of the Latex Glove and Disposable Work Apron?? Should I commence a Holy crusade against this Evil song and the stations that play it? Having worked in Radio, I happen to know of more then a few FCC regulations that get medieval on their DJ-chair-softened butts. Or should I try and remain calm and go extol the virtues of NOT Listening to it and the Incredible idiocies of contemplating the probably impossible task of...err...doing bad things.... to The Blessed One, who has become the guiding spiritual force in my humble life?
In serious need of Guidance,
RJ. You're back.
1) It is Bree Sharp not "Bree Star".
2) It is a cute song. Even I get the damn thing stuck in my head, and you must know how painful that is for me.
3) It's a joke. I mean even the EI appeared in the gag video for it, and I think she's pretty invested in Scully herself.
4) Did that valium prescription from the Abbey pharmacy run out again?
There's no sin in enjoying a silly song, however I might want to suggest when you sing along with it on the radio you let Bree sing that verse all by herself. Actually, you may want to let her sing the whole song by herself because the thought of you singing "David Duchovny, why won't you love me?" over and over and over is a little more than I can bear to hear around the Abbey.
Dear Sister Autumn,
Is there such a thing as too much?
Certainly depends on the context. In your case I think a bit more is necessary, but in Brother RJ's case I'd have to say yes.
Due to an increase in PFD (Post Fest Disorder) and ICBWSHOTFMSPS (I Can't Believe We Still Have Over Two Freakin' Months `til the Season Premiere! Syndrome), Drs. S & K have been extremely busy around the Abbey, and won't be announcing last month's poll results until the next newsletter. Meanwhile, the ProTacs(TM) distribution program is underway and a 24-hour kiosk has been set up in the East Wing.
There's almost nothing I enjoy more than a good solid case file with excellent characterization. And I'm pleased to say a few of the favorite authors of this column are back with new offerings. Just when I wondered if I'd ever see another story from him LoneGunGuy returns with a bang in "The Tiger Complex" another "nice" trip to the forest. Our own Sister Squat known by some as Allison J. gave me a lovely afternoon's reading with her ghost story "Vicious Aloysius" and her ability to always make me smile at the interplay between Mulder and Scully. She then recently served up a measure of Scully angst that twisted my insides with "Nihilism". If you haven't yet read her work you're doing yourself a huge disservice. Haphazard Method also has one of those "what if they did sleep together and it didn't work out" stories in "The Mourning After" that I found to be a little angsty piece.
Now, on to our new authors. Remember, if you've got recommendations, please email them to me at email@example.com.
Jesemie's Evil Twin
This writer has an interesting knack for getting in the characters heads and delivering stories that are warm and introspective. I feel like I know Mulder and Scully a little better after reading her work which tells me she's doing something very very right. There is the the dreamlike tale of an unusual yet usual night spent in "Hands". "Going Once" spends a little time in Scully's head on a lovely afternoon in the middle of nowhere as she gets away from it all for a while. Finally there is "Curtains" in which Scully finds out what purple feels like. Yes, that is what I said. Most of her fanfic is archived here and all of it is worth your time.
"Gazzaniga" is one of the more interesting takes I've read on the Mulder/Scully partnership as two halves of a whole. It's a fascinating case file that has quite a spin on the left brain/right brain idea. This author is just as talented in writing humor as "Thank You, Drive Around" proves. Scully. Undercover. In a chicken suit. I really don't think I need to say more, do I? NevDull's never dull work can be found archived here.
This author, who has been writing wonderful stories for years under a number of names, recently decided to call it quits writing fanfic. It is truly our loss. Some of my favorites through the years include: "But Then Face to Face" a post Mind's Eye look at how Mulder & Scully see each other, "The Language of Leaving" a look at Scully's thoughts while encased in ice in the movie, and "Missing Voices" (co-authored with Joyce McKibben and Meredith) which is another answer to what could have happened after "Gethsemane". Writing as Mesa I particularly recommend "Undertow" if you are up for a little NC-17 piece with mood and insight.
OBSSE Classifieds - Place your want ad NOW for Season 7
By Sister Paula
IT'S EASY! IT'S FAST! GUARANTEED* RESULTS!
WANTED: Quick, timely death of one misused FBI profiler, contrived, female, 40ish, lies, disrobes w/o warning, sturdy undergarments, appears at inopportune moments, well educated yet looks for snipers through open windows at stake-outs. Easy out. Must go. No exp. necessary. Reply to: Ad #1013.
*Some restrictions apply.
Journal Entry: Post Fest Reflections on Personal Dignity
In Winter Park I learned that Personal Dignity vacates the body unannounced, a dark stranger who abandons its residence, turning its old home into a walking amusement park. This is the evil of Personal Dignity, that it leaves without a trace, but soon returns when Fest is over, forcing you to conform once again to social graces, but only at the risk of destroying your sense of humor. It is Miss Manners' demon possession -- my trip to Colorado, OBSSE's attempt at exorcism. Siblings, I hope that in these terms you might know it and know me, and accept this deadly boring stranger that so many recognize but cannot ever completely cast out. And if the Personal Dignity should have reclaimed me as you read this, you must never think there was the possibility of some Proztac intervention, something you might have done. And though I've traveled far to ditch PD, this next distance to Minnesota must necessarily be traveled before I can ditch it again.
Hand Picked by Sister Lens-of-Science
Sister Aderyn expounds:
"Why you should let me in: Ahem. In the name of TBO, I have been lurking around the Abbey for some months. My confinement, and covert investigations into all things Scully have prepared me for life in these hallowed halls.
Although I don't wear pantsuits on principle, and I can't raise my goddamn eyebrow - I can now confidently declare that I am delusional enough to believe that a short, thirty-something who's not getting any can be my inspiration."
Sister Skullhead adds:
"I am a devout devotee of the teachings of Saint Scully, seeing fit to defend her against all attacks. (These attacks, I observe, are usually initiated by those who are clearly influenced by feelings involving drool for a species of rabbit-pursuing animal.) I follow The Blessed One's example in daily and nightly life, having hair of copper, eyes of blue, skin of purest white (sprinkled with gold dust) and height of midget bestowed upon me from birth. I spend long hours devoted to the practice of raising a lone eyebrow, a feat which has so far eluded me. I believe, as all members of the Order must, that it is impossible for the Blessed Saint to exhibit behaviour inconsistent with previously exhibited behaviour because, well, She is an Enigma. Plus, I think the Order is cool."
Sister Donna confides:
"I knew it was time to stop lurking when my parents sent me a greeting card, completely without my prodding, that said 'Without you here, I'm like Mulder without Scully - and we all know that the episodes that have Mulder without Scully kinda bite.' And I swear I'll never settle for anything but full-fat (or is that full-fledged?), REAL cream cheese."
Sister Satori (say that one five times fast) confesses:
"In 1994 I was lost... a directionless student... and then it happened. From the moment I began watching the X-Files my life changed. St. Scully, speaking through the EI gave my life direction and meaning. I decided I must follow the path she set forth. To search for the truth, to run in heels, never lose my cell phone, eschew dating, and most importantly... to NEVER believe whacked alien conspiracy theories because there is always a rational explanation. Thank you St. Scully!
Oopsie!: Frank's Fashion Spot Contest Correction
The OBSSE Editing Staff apologizes for the following omission (we blame it on the altitude) in last month's Fest edition: The 3rd runner up in the contest was none other than ScullyFu (only you can call her Deb) who entered the plastic incarnation with the chunky black shoes. According to ScullyFu, what we thought was NYC!Scully was really an homage to Dasha K's Jitterbug Perfume!Scully. Well done - and congratulations.
Thanks to the fantastic newsletter crew of our Elder of the Newsletter Sister Paula R., Graphics Master Sister La..Dee..Da.. and everyone who contributed this month! See you in September. all articles and columns appearing in News for the OBSSEsed are copyrighted to the authors.