Six months. SIX WHOLE MONTHS!

Well almost, anyway.

That's how long we Philes have to go until a new X-Files episode airs in the U.S. That's because the show won't start its fifth season until November 2. Ugh!

I have to admit, after that little bit of news, I've been feeling a bit...discouraged. Can I hold out? Can I take the pressure? Can I stand any more, "Oh my God! I can't believe they killed David Duchovny!" posts on alt.tv.x-files??? No, of course I can't. Not alone.

That's why we're here, Brothers and Sisters, to support one another in this trying time. The Order of the Blessed St. Scully the Enigmatic is our virtual sanctuary to find comfort, peace, respite, and hopefully, a good chuckle now and then in these long dreary months without a fresh St. Scully Sighting. In the interim, we must take pleasure in the fact that the XF movie is in production, Gillian Anderson et al. have been nominated for Emmy Awards, and our legion of true believers continues to grow, with the OBSSE boasting more than 300 Brothers and Sisters. Making things even better is the fact that the Order now has its own chat channel so that we can comfort one another in REAL TIME.

St. Scully be praised!!!

Find out about the new OBSSE chat channel, stay on top of the latest XF news, pick up an OBSSE membership card in our Summertime Crafts section, indulge in one reader's "hair-raising" fantasy, take the OBSSE personality quiz, commune with Sister Autumn over the OBSSE's "official drink," read the latest from Sister Charlotte in the UK, and find out which of our Brothers and Sisters are TRULY obsessed and much, much more in this action-packed (sorry, just always wanted to say that) issue of "News for the OBSSEsed."

Meanwhile, I'll be on vacation with my family down in the Gulf of Mexico thinking only of sun, sea, sand, sips of Margaritas, and of course, St. Scully.

Until next time, I am yours in St. Scully,
Sister Nancy (no clever sig)

Ask and it shall be given unto you...

That's right. Many of you politely suggested that it would be a very cool and righteous thing for the OBSSE to have its own chat channel where we could gather, commune, and in general, say nasty things about "punks" we don't like (just kidding...just kidding).

Well, you want it, you got it. Thanks to the wonderful help, persistence, and patience of Sister Sick-of-Abductions (SoA), the OBSSE now has its own IRC (Internet Relay Chat) chat channel hosted by the ChatNet network. The OBSSE channel is located on the server us.chatnet.org at channel #obsse.

If you have IRC, we encourage you to join us. If you don't have IRC, go get it! The OBSSE channel is open 24 hours a day, and OBSSE members are invited to gather there in Her name to virtually meditate upon The Blessed One's beauty, grace, wisdom, height, and hair.

We'll also be announcing regular OBSSE chat times to be hosted by various OBSSE leaders. (I've even heard a rumor that our gallant Rogues...I mean..."Kitchen Crew" will be swapping recipes on the OBSSE channel in the weeks to come.) A chat schedule (as soon as one is established), we'll be announced on the main OBSSE web page and in future issues of "News for the OBSSEsed." So keep your eyes, ears, and modems open! 

The Academy of Television Arts & Sciences has nominated Gillian Anderson for an Emmy Award for Outstanding Lead Actress in a television drama series. Anderson's nomination was one of 11 The X-Files received, when the nominees for the 49th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards were announced in Los Angeles on July 24.

In addition to Anderson, David Duchovny was nominated for Outstanding Lead Actor in a television drama series, and the show was nominated for Outstanding Drama Series. XF also picked up Emmy nominations for: directing, writing, art direction, single-camera picture editing for a series, sound editing, sound mixing, makeup, and music composition for a series (dramatic underscore).

In addition, David Duchovny (who looks so damn sexy in a black leather jacket, I must digress...), was nominated for Outstanding Guest Actor in a Comedy Series for his appearance on, "The Larry Sanders Show."

The Emmy Awards will be broadcast live on Sunday, September 14.

Congratulations to team 1013! Good luck and best wishes! 

Brothers and Sisters:

Having just learned as I type this month's column the unfortunate news that the season five debut of our Beloved Saint will not be until NOVEMBER, I wanted to reassure you that the OBSSE and I will be here for you in the long ensuing months. Reverend Mother Nancy and I both realize the stress of having to wait almost SIX FULL MONTHS to witness the eventual cure of The Blessed One. Stay calm, dear friends, and write me with your struggles at Ask Sister Autumn.

----------
Dear Sister,

I have done a terrible thing. I have doubted our leader Chris and posted some harsh words against St. Scully's partner, Fox--the one who doesn't realize that his partner is in love with him--Mulder. Here are my words of scandal:

"To tell you the truth, I am not particularly looking forward to the next season. I mean, come on!! Don't you think it's going to drag on a bit? The Mulder!Death will last a couple of episodes, but things will never get back to normal. Or they shouldn't, if Carter decides to keep a little continuity in the show. I doubt that Scully is aware that Dead!Mulder is in fact alive; it's a bit insensitive to ask Scully to help him cover up his death, especially since it is all his fault that Scully has cancer in the first place.

Speaking of cancer--if Scully is as sick as they make out, how is she going to last another 24 episodes, (as well as a few movies) and still be an FBI agent? The X Files is too deep in the conspiracy to switch from the arcs to standalones too often, if at all, so my trust and patience with Carter is waning."

All this was said in a state of major depression. I was not myself! What should I do!? I feel that a shadow has been cast over me and that someone out there is punishing me. Does this mean my Sisterhood is in jeopardy? Will the Blessed Saint ever forgive me, for I am truly sorry.

Waiting for forgiveness,

Sister Missy
----------

Dear Sister Missy,

I'm afraid that I'm a little confused. What are you asking forgiveness for? If complaining about Chris "continuity is for wimps" Carter or posting harsh words about Mulder were grounds for dismissal from the Order, I'd have been bounced out on my wimple ages ago. As long as you aren't directing unjust complaints towards St. Scully, we have no real beef here. I mean, you didn't even call Mulder a PUNK, you merely pointed out how utterly stupid this whole, "It's a season finale so it's ALL ABOUT ME" thing Mulder by way of Chris "explosions are cool" Carter seems to have. Can't be out done by Scully dying of cancer. Nope. Gotta pull a pathetic Mulder death stunt. If you were not yourself when you wrote all that, perhaps you were channeling me at the time. Come to think of it, I was a little dizzy the other day. Wait, that may have been just a few too many Holy Margaritas during the service. I hope you didn't have to wear that horrid orange "Beyond the Sea" jumpsuit when you did it. Oh wait. Is that a channeling outfit or a death row outfit? Where were you writing from???

As for our Saint's affliction, I have faith that she will return to health soon. Or else.

----------
Dear Sister Autumnt,

We are two recently enlisted members of your Order. We have been reading your newsletters and have noticed the aversion to Mulder, and we understand it and support it (Punk!!!). But we would like to present our theory: FEAR OF COMMITMENT. Afterall, he is not as mature as Our Lady (Madre Mayor).

Every time that Mulder feels he is getting closer to Scully, he ditches her. Haven't you noticed that too? It's very obvious he's hiding his feelings towards the Sainted One, but maybe he is concerned about having a relationship with a co-worker. What do you think about this?

One more thing, what would you recommend for us here in Latin America that receive the episodes like 4 months late (Next Friday we'll watch Tempus Fugit...and it's not a rerun.)? Our only solace is our satellite dish, but we are worried for those who are not as fortunate as us. (Please forgive our lack of humbleness.)

Totalmente suyos bajo la protección de Santa Scully.

Sister Melisa (ipimen@sinfo.net) and Brother Knight Queequeg (eguardo@hotmail.com)
----------

Welcome My Latin American Friends!

I'm afraid my Spanish is a bit rusty. Let's just say if I was strapped to a dentist's chair and someone was coming at me with an ice pick and speaking Spanish, I would probably blurt out, "Juan es un muchacho!" or "Queso Enchilada!" and take a poke right in the howlers for forgetting my four years of study. (I wonder if that feels anything like a frozen drink headache, as I have some experience with that.) Anyway, I'll just trust you're saying nice things about St. Scully.

OK, let's see. Have I noticed Mulder ditching Scully? Ha! I'm afraid one of my evening prayers is the "Litany of Ditches:

First was Ellen's, but that was not too far.
Soon then Alaska, which She couldn't reach by car.

After came the popular, "international ditch",
Running off to Hong Kong handcuffed to a snitch.

Canada, Russia, he ran wild and free,
And the worst he ever got was, "Thanks for ditching me".

So now he fakes the ultimate, a Mulder suicide,
And when She gets a hold of him, he'll wish he would have died.

As far as your friends who do not have a dish and thus cannot enjoy The X-Files at the same time we do here in the States. Well, perhaps you could throw a really big party? How many people are in Latin America anyway? I'd stock up on chips if I were you.

----------
Sister Autumn,

As a newly received novice to the Order, I find myself in a strange situation. What should one wear to show he is a devout member of the Order and a follower of St. Scully!?? ALSO!...What can one do to serve the Order better??? Every morning I do my exercises....many a morning I get up an hour earlier to chant the hymns. Every morning I visit the wonderful alt.tv.x-files, ready to stand guard for the honorable St. Scully whenever she is blasphemed against. BUT THERE MUST BE MORE!!!!!!!!

My entire life is burning with Her vision! Am I going into a fanatical state...or am I just OBSSESed?????? Surely there is still more I can do to serve Her and the Order?? Ok..I think I'm going to go pray some more now!

Yours truly,
CueCRD (The Fanatical obssesed!)
----------

My, my, Brother CueCRD, your devotion is admirable! St. Scully would be proud of your loyalty and service to Her.

Hmmm. You know, this is the first fashion question I've received from one of the Order's Brothers, and quite frankly, I'm a little perplexed. It is difficult to look to the word or likeness of St. Scully for an answer. Well, we do know she respects a man in uniform, and she does seem to like a nice looking suit (though whatever you do DO NOT dress like a tax accountant on a date--our Blessed One finds this presentation to be quite dull). However, I think if we look to the book of "Small Potatoes," we see that St. Scully is quite pleased by a man in a simple T-Shirt and jeans. Though I believe she values listening skills above all, some cute reading glasses couldn't hurt. Or black boxers. Wait, that's what Mother Nancy likes, not St. Scully.

----------
Dear Autumn,

Having spent many a happy hour contemplating in the OBSSE Sanctuary, I've noticed a great number of our sisters participating in some sort of Margarita ritual. The Reverend Mother seems particularly fond of this ceremony.

Is this some special rite reserved for only the most pious members? Please enlighten my as to the significance of this holy libation.

Yours in St. Scully,

Sister La..Dee..Da..
(who's somewhere between X-Ville and Margaritaville)
----------

Dearest Sister La,

It is always delightful to hear from you. Perhaps I can explain this, as you call it, "Margarita ritual". You see, every Order needs its form of communion-- we've just modified the wine and wafers to Margaritas and chips. In the OBSSE, we find that visions of St. Scully seem to come most often after consuming the sacred frozen "swirl". It could also be that the dear Reverend Mother lives in Texas where it is approximately one million degrees right now, and nothing beats the heat like a blender concoction. As for whether or not this is a special rite, well no, but those younger members of the Order can't sip from the same pitcher as the rest of us, if you know what I mean. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a prayer meeting with Brother Cuervo. 

Every good club needs a card, don't you think? The OBSSE is no exception. What better way to display your devotion to the Sainted One than by flipping open your badge, wallet, or purse and proudly displaying to the world that you are a card-carrying member of the Order of the Blessed Saint Scully the Enigmatic. Just think of the possibilities! Every time you shop and have to show your driver's license, you can have your OBSSE Membership Card strategically placed in your wallet just waiting to invite the attention of the unsuspecting clerk and giving you the opening you need to spread the Gospel of St. Scully.

Our wonderful Sister Sick-of-Abductions (aren't we all?), who is also to be thanked for setting up our OBSSE Chat Channel and serving as the designated OBSSE Chat Goddess, has created just such a card. Follow her simple instructions below, and in no time, you too can have St. Scully's visage firmly planted on your behind...I mean...wallet.

How to Make Your Own OBSSE Membership Card
by Sister Sick-of-Abductions (SoA)

Step No. 1:
Download the .jpg of the OBSSE Member Card (sample at right).

Step No. 2:
Find the proper picture/graphics program to print it in the right size.

Step No. 3:
Stick the printed product onto something solid, like cardboard, or get a nice piece of plastic if you have one.

Step No. 4:
Sign the back to make it look real.

Step. No. 5:
Put it in your wallet, and show it off at work/school/to traffic cops...whatever.

Vio-la! (Oops...Who said that???)

You are now a proud, card-carrying member of the OBSSE! Bear it with pride. 

Last month we asked the Sisters and Brothers to share with us the lengths they have gone to to bask in St. Scully's enigmatic light. In other words, we wanted to find out who was TRULY OBSSESSED among us, and find out we did. If ever we should have the opportunity to gather all in one place, I believe we will all be wearing fake Armani suits, 3-inch pumps, and have short red hair. (I won't even get into the possibilities that, "I'll show you my tattoo if you show me your tattoo," could afford.)

Anyway, below are some of the many comments we received. Thank you all for sharing your, "I want to be just like St. Scully" stories. Keep up the good work!

From Sister Helen:
Yes, I'm Obsessed! I tried dying my hair red, but it went pink, so I had to dye it back again (most unfortunate). To compensate, I bought a gold cross and chain, started going to church again after "Revelations," (yes, I'm Catholic), and have recently spent a ridiculous amount of money on a long, black Scully-coat. It looks really good with my three-inch black heels. And I SWEAR that all of the above is true. I didn't realize how scary it sounded until I put it all together in a single paragraph!

From Sister Kim P.:
"...I've been practicing my pout and eyebrow raising, and I recently got a cell phone. (I told everyone it was for safety on the road, but I really just wanted to call people and say, "Mulder, it's me."). Lastly, when you click on, "picture of me at work" from my homepage, you get a lovely picture of The Blessed One. That's not blasphemy, is it? I thought of it as a devotional kind of thing."

From Sister Susan:
"I dyed my hair St. Scully red, and I want a tattoo. My husband told me that I couldn't get a tattoo, but I told him, "This is my life." SO, I am getting one as soon as I find a tattoo parlor that doesn't scare me."

From Sister Melisa:
"I know the name of every Scullycentric episode....I know this isn't much of an obsession, but what would you say if I tell you that I know them BACKWARDS!"

From Cybertron:
"I realized that I really was obsessed when I started to walk out of a deathly boring microbiology class only to find myself thinking, 'Scully wouldn't skip. Scully probably knows all of the f***ing bacteriophages by heart.' I found myself physically unable to leave the room. It was the most boring lecture I've ever sat through, but I took notes and everything. I don't know if this is a blessing or a curse. Since then, I can't so much as look at a question in a text book without thinking, 'Scully would know that.' And I got through exams by actually *pretending* that I was Scully. For a short while, I think I actually started to believe it. That period is pretty hazy in my memory. I was drinking an awful lot of coffee at the time."

From Sister Juniper:
"I dyed my hair red the night before the season finale in honor of what I hoped would be the beginning of a new, Scullycentric story arc."

From Sister Amy:
"I refused to buy a suit because it didn't look like something St. Scully would wear. And then I *did* buy a Scully-suit that was *way* out of my price range, just because it looked like her. And don't get me started on how I select which shoes to buy...."

From Sister Jenbird:
"Yes, I am Obsessed. First off, I went with Sister Leyla last Friday, and we each got tattoos. But wait, there's more! I am the proud owner of a SCULLY license plate. Yes, really. I swear it's true. JPGS can be e-mailed upon request....P.S., I *tried* to dye my hair red, but my stylist advised against it, saying that with my pink complexion, I'd look like a tomato. I trust her judgement."

From Maria:
"I am reading every single medicinal magazine I can get my hands on. Even if it takes me an hour to get through one paragraph, I want to know what our Blessed St. Scully is talking about. My parents think I'm psychotic."

From Sister Lisa G.:
"I bought a conservative black suit and three-inch heels to wear whenever I need some empowerment. I'm saving the Clairol Sunset Auburn for an especially taxing occasion."

From OBSSE Member Chupa:
"Several nights ago I stayed up until 3 a.m. perfecting my clay Scully action figure. She comes complete with power suit, trench coat, flashlight, gun, watch, cross, home set, and office set, including her very own and much deserved desk."

From Sister Rebecca V.:
"I try to tell myself that I have *always* wanted a black pantsuit, but in truth, it was the Scully in me that made me buy it. Now I want to wear it exclusively and walk around with a cell phone saying, 'Mulder, it's me.' (with light-colored hosiery and black pumps, of course)."

From Sister DorothyP:
"I have *got* to get that eyebrow thing down! I'm practicing. I've almost got it going with the left eyebrow, but, try as I may, I can't get the right one to do the Scully peak. This could require medical attention in the near future, y'know...."

From Sister Autumn T.:
"Does naming my laptop Queequeg and my server Scully count?"

From Sister Piper Maru:
"Uh, I don't want to embarrass myself here, but last week, I went out with a strange man with a very vivid tattoo on his upper arm....I think the Sainted One's light was shining down on me that evening, because when I woke up, he wasn't on the couch. ;)"

From Brother Plantagenet:
"It was three years ago, summer. Being stuck at home, I had nothing to do but watch TV. My mom, already a dedicated X-Phile, dragged me out of my stale universe of Star Trek and Quantum Leap reruns and made me watch "Deep Throat." I was immediately engrossed by the complex, paranoid plot, but even more so by that knock-out, take charge, red head...so unusual looking, with that little enigmatic twist of her lips, the raising of the eyebrow, the HAIR...and she was so smart, so cool. I was in love. Not that teen summer love thing or the serious romance kind of love, but that, "I've got a crush on my English teacher" love. I proceeded to devour every single X-Files tape my mom had. Then, I went about decorating my room with Gillian Anderson pictures. Not those in your face, look how sexy I am, flesh-flashing FHM pictures, but pictures that portrayed her as that tough, inquisitive, conservative Agent Dana Scully, because THAT'S what I loved. (Ok, so there are a FEW of those FHM pics...gimme a break will ya!). My room completely inundated with Scully, I began to wear a trenchcoat. I carried my school newspaper pass in my wallet so I could flash it like an FBI badge. I began to look at girls in my high school and think how good they would look with red hair. I memorized passages from Moby Dick and decorated all my school notebooks and textbooks with Scully stuff. I started answering the phone by saying my last name. And most tellingly, I joined the OBSSE....God! I AM obsessed!" 

You've thought about it. You've dreamt about it. You've even closed your eyes and envisioned the words drifting from St. Scully's divine pouty red lips in slo-mo. C'mon! Be honest. Every OBSSE member has a dream line they'd *LOVE* to hear St. Scully utter on the big screen. I know I do, and forgive me St. Scully, but I admit, it involves a four letter word (and I don't mean "punk"...or maybe I do).

This month, the OBSSE would like to know what your "fantasy line" is. What do you want St. Scully to say on the Big Screen? What do you *really* want Her to say??? It can be only one line--so make it a good one. 

The latest OBSSE poll got me thinking. Of course, I'm OBSSEsed. Aren't we all? What I find intriguing, however, are the various sects that co-exist within our Humble Order--some that seem, at times, to be in contradiction to one another. But as the Blessed One has taught us, "Nothing happens in contradiction to nature, only in contradiction to what we know of it." So...

With that in mind, I've devised a little quiz to better understand the nature of our OBSSEsion. If you find yourself mostly choosing "B", you're OBSSE in its *purest* Scullycentric form. If your choices are mostly "A", then you're probably a Shipper. And if you find yourself answering "C" to many of the questions, well.... have you considered joining the Kitchen Crew?

No. 1
Your favorite episodes are:

A. Pusher/Paper Hearts.

B. One Breath/Revelations.

C. Beyond the Sea/Never Again.

A. Casual!Scully - Complete with V-neck button-up sweater, 2 wine glasses, and a bottle of house red.

B. Autopsy!Scully - Comes with an amazing assortment of protective eyewear and caps.

C. SWAT!Scully - Accessories include a gun that really shoots and an oversized SWAT helmet.

A. Allow yourself to be thrown in jail for contempt of Congress then rush into his arms (both of them) when he finally returns.

B. Go about methodically gathering information for your "own edification" and solve the case while he's off making googly-eyes at a certain inspector from Scotland Yard.

C. Shoot him in the shoulder once you've tracked him down.

A. "I wouldn't put myself on the line for anyone but you," and "I'm seeing a whole new side of you."

B. "I believe that God's hand can be witnessed. I believe he can create miracles," and "Well, seeing as how it's Friday, I was thinking of getting some work in on that monograph I'm writing for the Penology Review - Diminished Acetycholine Production in Recidivist Offenders."

C. "Because you're the guy? Because you're the big, macho man?" and "Mulder, where the f*** are you?"

No. 5
Your favorite Mulder quote is:

A. "You're the only one I trust."

B. "The enigmatic Dr. Scully."

C. "This case had nothing to do with aliens or the paranormal, and if I wasn't such a punk, I'd have known you were right, Scully."

No. 6
One of your favorite scenes to rewind and watch again is:

A. Red Museum - BBQ cheek wipe.

B. Revelations - Confessional.

C. Leonard Betts - Defibrillator fight.

D. Fire - Mulder wearing black silk boxers.

E. Teliko - Scully crawling through the air vent.

If you found yourself wanting to choose "D", you may suffer from MIBs (Mulder In Black syndrome). Some of our most devout members have been stricken from time to time. (There are rumors that even the Reverend Mother has been among the afflicted.) Presently, there is no known cure, although tests are being done to see if the repeated viewing of Mulder in a black wetsuit running duck-footed can work as a kind of aversion therapy.

Now, to those of you who think to place yourselves above the MIBs sufferers but were tempted by "E", let me just point out that no matter how often you freeze frame or slo-mo this sequence, you will NOT gain intellectual or spiritual enlightenment, nor will you be able to see any more than the last 50 times you replayed this scene. It is OK to watch this once in a while, but remember to follow it up with something more OBSSE-like such as the boat scenes in, "One Breath."

No. 7
What you'd most like to see happen on the show is:

A. Scully and Mulder do the "wild thing."

B. Scully heal herself.

C. Scully kick some alien/consortium/senate/ FBI-superiors-sitting-around-a-table/Mulder butt.

D. All of the above

Ultimately, we're all united by the grace of St. Scully, and this diversity among us is not to be flamed, but rejoiced in. The "Enigmatic One" would have it no other way. 

Between the results of the, "Are you OBSSEsed?" poll and Sister La's, "What flavor OBSSE are you?" test, it seems we have something of a theme going here. Well, we wouldn't want to "hair" anyone out by "parting" with our theme, now would we? So, in that vein, we offer this "piece" of "hair-raising" entertainment by my personal good friend and soon to be OBSSE member (if she could only get over that David Duchovny "thing" she's got going and her depression over Tea L.) , Jennifer Rose Hale. We present it to you for your "sheer" entertainment.

"Tressed for Success"
by Jennifer Rose Hale
(written May 1996)

"I want to look like Dana Scully," I told my hairdresser this morning. He squinted in concentration, nodded slightly, and got to work.

No, no--that's a lie. I didn't actually say I wanted to look like "The X-files"' Agent Scully, she of the Titian-red hair and Rubens-esque figure. I whined it, and the last word of the sentence took up about five minutes of my allotted appointment hour.

And Bob (my sainted hairdresser, he of the squint and nod) actually rolled his eyes instead of squinting, maybe shook his head instead of nodding, and--instead of getting to work--crossed his arms.

"Didn't we talk about this last time?" He dubiously studied my brown, flat hair, and poked at it with a comb.

"Yeah, but ... ," I hesitated. "This time I mean it."

"Uh-huh," he responded supportively, and turned away from the chair. "Let me go get you some pictures to look at."

I peered at my reflection from my perch in the barber chair, and had the sort of silent conversation that a person used to living alone engages in to while away the down time, punctuating each point with a raised eyebrow or a short nod, until I saw a small child watching me with an expression usually saved for witnessing a large accident on the highway.

Luckily, Bob had returned by that point and handed me a book of colors, conveniently turned to page red.

"So," Bob started helpfully. "Why do you want to have hair like Scully?"

I mentally corrected him. No, Bob--I don't just want hair like Scully; I want to look like Scully. But I knew that he was asking me a trick question, like the one at job interviews when you're supposed to reveal your biggest flaw, but you're not supposed to give a real flaw. You're supposed to say you work too hard or can't give up a job until it's done right, not that you're a chronic personal phone-caller or you fantasize about bringing firearms into the office.

You can't ever tell your hairdresser that you want to look like someone else, or that you know that a new hair color or cut will revolutionize your life, because then they'll try to convince you that you're wrong. I stepped over that pitfall with agility.

"Because--uhhhhh, I think it would ... suit me?"

That seemed to satisfy him, and I went back to looking at the pictures. In my mind, the wheels spun on.

Because I want to be Scully, Bob, I thought. After the new haircolor, which will set my head aflame and turn all eyes in my direction, everything will be different. You see, Bob, once I have red hair--Scully-red hair, I amended--I will be a new woman.

With Scully-red hair, I will return home to find that I possess a brand-new wardrobe, filled with tailor-made sea-green and storm-blue dresses and suits that will transform me into a Hitchcock heroine. Not those terrible 1970s-era power suits, hounds tooth with fake gold buttons that still line the racks at discount emporiums, but suits that announce, "I want to be taken seriously, but you won't offend me with expensive gifts."

My coworkers will be traded in for newer models--a single partner, he of the lanky physique and humoring hazel eyes, and a boss with a morning-after voice and shoulders that go on and on like the Appalachian Trail, and contain as many untold stories. Both would trade their lives, sacrifice their reputations--their careers--if it meant saving me.

My job? The fate of the world would rest on it, of course. That goddess hair might not make me president, but with it, I and my partner would fight against evil shadow-governments, solving the mysteries of the planet with knowledge gleaned from my medical degree and extensive field training. Slow times would be spent on the firing range, honing my razor-sharp aim. Crunch times would be a blur of travel, adventure, and nights in hotel rooms eating pizza with my hazel-eyed partner and best friend.

I would look damned sexy holding a gun.

"So, have you decided on a color?"

Bob's voice jarred me from my spiritual reverie. As my eyes refocused, I found that they had locked on the shade of my dreams--flame red. No, Scully-red. I touched it, tentatively, with an index finger, stroking it as if to gauge how it would feel curled around my face.

I want to be Scully, Bob, I thought. I want everything she has. The clothes, the job, the partner, the boss, wisdom, beauty, excitement, adventure. Grace and strength. Courage and mystery.

That hair.

With a deep sigh, I closed the book. And then, after a breath, I told him I'd stick with a trim this time. He nodded with understanding (and a little relief?). Wisdom, beauty, excitement, and adventure. I do want to be Scully, but I'm not sure I'm ready yet. And I wonder ... will I ever be? 

We are so blessed, my friends. Today, the OBSSE boasts more than 300 members--a far cry from our humble, Scullyistic beginnings. As always, we welcome our new Sisters and Brothers. (By the way, if you are a new member and your name is not listed on the site, fear not! We are just a tad bit behind in our paperwork this summer. But with St. Scully's blessings, we will catch up soon.)

Sister Helen testifies:
"When I started watching, I thought I would be a Mulderist; it was something I expected to happen through no fault of my own. However, over the course of three seasons and lengthy discussions with people on the Internet, I realized that I only loved him because St. Scully did. It was at that point that I decided I should really do something about my slight reality confusion problem, so I have come to you to meet others who are not only OBSSEsed, but proud of it. :) Also, I live on the alt.tv.x-files and aus.tv.x-files and will proudly defend St. Scully there to the death!"

Sister Luna explains:
"Because I look to St. Scully as a model of strength, poise, and compassion. I respect and strive for her ability to judge impartially, yet love unconditionally. And above all, I admire (and hopefully share) her strong sense of self."

Sister Jeannine states:
"I recently had an epiphany. I saw the radiantly beautiful image of The Blessed One in my Grape Nuts. I was so shaken up, I had to stop eating breakfast and take a picture of the bowl. Of course, there was something wrong with the exposure, and the photo did not turn out. My significant other thought I was insane when I insisted that we not wash the bowl; and he snuck into the kitchen that night and rinsed the image into the drain. I know there is a scientific explanation for all of this, but I'm finding it difficult to deny the possibility that this was a sign from Her Holiness. I need to join the Order to feel some sense of belonging. I am mired in a pit of humanity too wrapped up in its own problems to see the infinite wisdom of our Saint....."

Sister Jill testifies:
"I harbor an ardent respect and admiration for the Enigmatic One; a woman with the patience of Job, an incredible sense of balance, impeccable grooming, and a cunning set of crime-fighting accessories. She's divine...."

Sister Lorna proclaims:
"Because I can no longer enjoy the strength, integrity, courage, honor, wit, intelligence, maturity, and sheer cussed determination with which our Blessed Saint is endowed, only to be thwarted and, yes, humiliated by the Creator, who also insists on having her patiently stick by a complete lunatic who gives new meaning to the term, 'dysfunctional.'"

Sister Emasculata confesses:
"The Blessed One is the best female role model we ladies have ever had on TV. I emulate her in everything I do--including delving into forensics! I need a place where I can worship with fellow brethren in glorification of our Beloved Saint."

Sister Amy explains:
"I have always considered Dana Scully to be quite holy. Her good-natured acceptance of Mulder's crazy actions qualify her as a saint of the highest order. I admire the Special Agent so much, I chose my email to honor the anointed one (UberSculli@aol.com)."

Brother Chascan states:
"I have deprived myself of sex every Sunday night...to commune with St. Scully."

Sister Jenna testifies:
"Because I have found that the more I watch The X-Files, the more I become an X-Phile, the more I find that I am focused on Scully. I notice that my favorite episodes happen to be those that focus on Scully. I find that when I watch The X-Files, I fall into a dreamy meditation just looking at her face and listening to her voice. (I love the way she slurs her S's.) I admire her intelligence, dedication, and passion, and the way she can beat up on big guys."

Sister Allisona proclaims:
"Saint Scully is my personal icon for living on this Very Strange Earth. What else have I to turn to in times of stress and strife but the Sainted One? What to do when there's too much to do and not enough time to do it? Ask St. Scully. What to do at times of personal spiritual crisis? Ask St. Scully. What to do when your partner ditches you and you've been cornered by an Alien Bounty Hunter Killing Machine? The answer, of course, is ask St. Scully! As a full-fledged member of the OBSSE (beyond my duties in the *ahem* "Kitchen Crew"), I will spread the Word of the Sainted One to all in need and especially to those who have been gravely misled by the PUNK. I know my path, Sisters and Brothers!"

Sister Kate confesses:
"I've got that eyebrow thing down pat....Go ahead, say something Mulderesque, like, 'I guess I'll have to tell Skinner it was a giant bloodsucking worm after all.'"

Sister Nikita testifies:
"Because I worship Saint Scully...my faith is strong."

Sister Skyler explains:
"I think St. Scully is an inspiration to all of us, with her intelligence, strong will, independence, courage, strength, compassion, faith, and so many other things that make her a moral character."

Sister Cherubim remarks:
"As a true and obedient servant who has silently observed the myriad and diverse ways our Blessed Saint Scully has maintained her integrity, dignity, courage, and celibacy against all onslaughts by the very tempting Special Agent Fox Mulder, and, as one who has followed her example, despite many attempts by one Not So Special Agent Husband Gibson to infringe upon said celibacy on X-Files nights, I feel drawn to offer myself as a candidate for the OBSSE."

Sister Dana confesses:
"I'm so obsessed with this show that it has alienated me from my family. I need connections...." 

THE OBSSE INTERNATIONAL REPORT:
ON SAINTLINESS, SCULLY, AND GILLIAN
by Sister Charlotte in the UK

Well, it's been an interesting few months for British GA watchers. First she's told she's plain on national television. Then we're informed she giggles like Yogi Bear on national radio. All this while her single is rampaging into the charts at a healthy speed, and rampaging out again just as quickly. In the meantime, we're told that this most venerated of actresses is house-hunting in the capital. I wonder if she's been put off at all? :-)

Although, I can't really speak for the tactlessness of breakfast television presenters, it could be argued that Radio 1 DJ Simon Mayo was referring to that little known Asian guru, Yogi Bair, a far more suitable comparison. ;-)

Nevertheless, Our Lady of the Red Hair is way too smart to buy that one. The question being, is she too smart to buy a house in a country that simultaneously seems to adore the enigmatic St. Scully, her strength and wisdom, while reviling her off-screen counterpart, considering the dreadful treatment the blessed Ms. Anderson got in our tabloid papers earlier in the year?

Which leads me to a theological point. (Should this be a question for Sister Autumn?) We all know of the Skeptic One's enigmatic wisdom, and, of course, we all say our Hail Dana's without fail every morning, but how far do we differentiate between the on-screen and off-screen personas? Could the sayings of Ms. Anderson form an apocryphal addition to the divine Book of St. Scully, or can we only be true followers in Her Enigmatic Light if we only adhere to those Sunday night teachings?

What? You think I'm going to provide the answer at the end? What show have you been watching?

Sister Charlotte :-) 

If you're an X-File fan, you'd have to be living on the planet Krypton not to be catching (like it or not) rumors of "The Movie" shoots going on in LA and surrounding areas. Bits and pieces of information have been floating all across the Net, including a reported $1 million "space ship" set having been built in LA; a cornfield being set ablaze in a a huge "finale" scene; children falling down wells with "otherworldly" beings hidden within; large circular white tents; and "B-unit" filming taking place at a ski resort in British Columbia, Canada.

Make of it what you will.

Meanwhile, back in X-Phileland, rumors of a "Rogue" variety indicate that new leaders have taken over the wayward band of militant OBSSE members known as the Rogue OBSSE (or the "Kitchen Crew" to everyone else). In what some have called a "highly ridiculous ceremony," Rogue OBSSE founder and leader Sister Myrke turned over the reigns of command to Sister Punk Maneuverability and Danielle Too (the French One, who is now known as Sister Tintalle--hope I spelled it right, Sis). Punk M serves as the new Rogue Leader and Danielle serves as Punk's second in command and Chief of Operations.

All radical OBSSE enquiries should be directed to them--that is, of course, if they existed, which of course, they do not. As far as the rest of the OBSSE is concerned, they just make good grub. ;0 

Each month the OBSSE features prayers, poems, songs, essays, artwork, letters, and other bits and pieces of creative expression from our members. If you're an OBSSE member and would like to contribute something to the newsletter or the website, let us know, and we'll try to include it. Below are some of this month's offerings:

A Night Time Prayer
by Kory

As I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my skepticism to keep,
And if someone a Mulder theory buy,
I pray that I might dissuade with one try,
And if some cancer my body maligns,
That I will say to everybody, "I'm fine!"

This I pray in the name of skepticism, science, and Scully.
Amen. 

Thou has been blessed with many gifts.
Intelligence, skepticism, and scientific ground.
Yet, Thou has been cursed as well:
Implants, crazies, and bouts with cancer continue to hang around.
May Thou be lifted from your infinite pain.
And no longer be held to self sacrifice by ball and chain.

St. Scully, bless and keep the soul of your departed partner.
(Even if he's just faking his death, which is what most of us Philes believe anyway.)
For although we who are Rogues know Mulder was (is) immature, impulsive, crazy, and a PUNK,
We also know your DAL and UST for him.
(Even though the PUNK ditched and dissed you so many times. And his suicide, if it's not The Lie, would The Ultimate Mulderditch of you in your hour of need.)
Help us, in your infinite wisdom, to know what to believe as we scan alt.tv.x-files.
If Mulder (or whatshisinitials) doesn't come back in the Fall and TPTB STILL do not feature more good storylines for you,
O Blessed One,
Give us the strength not to inflict wounds unto CC.
(Even if the season five opener has every single Phile screaming, "CC! What the Blankety-Blank Bleep have you done to us now?!?" at our TV sets.)
Most especially, we pray the XF writing staff doesn't kill you off.
In your blessed name we pray--and fight.

Oh Blessed St. Scully,
I have seen many strange things,
I have heard many strange explanations,
And though I have been tempted by the theories of the Mulderists,
I shall not waver.
For I shall view all through the Lens of Science,
And trust in Your Wisdom.

Saint Scully, scientific,
The truth is with Thee.
Blessed art though among agents,
And not quite so blessed is Thy partner, Mulder.
Holy Scully, bearer of tattoo,
Pray for Thy believers,
Now and at the hour of abduction.

Dear Sister Nancy (no clever sig),

I just want to write to share with you my utter joy at being accepted as a novice into the exhalted temple of The Sainted One. Having thought and prayed long and hard about seeking admittance, I have to thank all members of the Order who have prayed and thought with me. I step forward, into my new life, with sensible shoes and an enigmatic smile on my face.

With love,
Sister Cherubim 

by Paul Wartenberg If St. Scully is indeed destined for sainthood, must one catalog the miracles performed so that her exalted position be proven to the faithful as well as the Mulder?

So far, I've counted these:

1. Miraculous changing of tea to root beer.
2. Fashion sense that works 24-hours a day.
3. Innate ability to travel from DC to other parts of the country within a short time frame WITHOUT one speeding ticket.

I hope the pope is impressed....;-) 

Oh Blessed St. Scully the Enigmatic,
We give thanks to your infinite scientific wisdom,
That even after all that you have seen in your partnership
With the unskeptical one named Mulder,
You still seek logical and explainable answers to
Such things as UFOs, which aren't UFOs at all but
Actually are ignited balls of swamp gas.
Amen. 

St. Scully, one so very alone
Cannot cope on her own.
She has her partner, as strong as a boulder,
That being one righteous Fox Mulder.

Their loyalty to each other has never frayed.
(Although I'd love to see them get laid.)
Mulder loves Scully, as one with a brain can see,
But together they could never be.
That is, of course, with a reason.
Can they please be together by the end of next season? 

Dana Scully, Thou art beautiful.
Struggles you face so gracefully overcome.
Your smile a light in our dark lives,
Desperately as we seek guidance, you're a pinnacle
Of wisdom; of all that is good.
I seek only to be like you:
Strong, intelligent, charming, disarming,
Kind, motherly, and yes, frightened.
To face life with the strength and dedication that you
Do everyday.
The spunk, the fierceness.
In awe of your life, I ask only to be a flicker
Of the light that you shine upon this earth.
Oh my love, Thou art beautiful. 

As some of you may know, August 9 is Gillian Anderson's birthday. Ms. Anderson, if you're out there somewhere, warmest wishes from all of us at the OBSSE to you. HAPPY BIRTHDAY! And many, many happy returns!

Well, that's it for the August issue, friends. The next issue of, "News for the OBSSEsed" will be out (by the Grace of St. Scully) by September 10.

"News for the OBSSEsed" is copyright 1997 by Nancy Cotton, except for the photos, which are owned by the people who own them.