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"Bad boys, bad boys, what 'cha gonna do? What 'cha gonna do when they come for you?"
"Mulder have you noticed that we're on television?"
"I don't think it's live television, she just said *&%#."
"But it's a camera, and it's recording. It's recording
everything that you are saying. Do you understand that? I
just want to make sure that you're clear on that."
Well, as a bizarre mating between FOX's low-rent chronicles of the men and women in blue and their flashy tale of the Fibbies in black, "X-Cops" certainly succeeded. I found this Vince Gilligan script to be entertaining from the perspective of getting to see Mulder and Scully react to an unusual situation. I spent much of the episode chuckling at their behavior and reactions as they adapted to their odd circumstances in typical fashion. I just wish the reason for this crossover was more compelling, because frankly the whole "fear monster" brouhaha was the least interesting thing about the hour. It's too bad they couldn't have had all the fun with the COPS genre but still given the X-Files audience more to chew on in the story.
I was delighted to see the way they captured the COPS look and feel complete with the "Bad Boys" theme, blurred out faces, bleeped out profanities, and, best of all, the requisite crack house filled with belligerent idiots and a topless woman. Director Michael Watkins fully captured the style of the COPS huffing and hoofing camera crew and creatively used flashlights of all sizes, streetlights, and the strobe of police cars to light his scenes. While an hour of racking in and out of focus with a jostling camera can be tiring to watch, it certainly was true to form. I think my favorite camera moment was the inside of the car shot as the squad car was flipped and everything inside flew around to end the teaser.
Watkins also managed to bring the right mood out of the actors with the COPS camera around. Officers like Wetzel, trying to sound good and profound, wax poetic about their jobs and cast nervous glances towards the lens when they are afraid they might not come off well. Mulder starts playing directly into the camera himself, filling the audience in during the evening with his own special brand of narration. However, I thought the smirking he was doing, most notably in the Steve and Edy scenes was a little too much for my taste. I had a hard time telling if it was Mulder or Duchovny that found the goings on so amusing, especially since they were doing so many long and complex takes. And Scully, well, Scully true to form hates the camera and spends as much time as possible ducking out of its way, turning her head, covering it with her hand, and avoiding it. I really enjoyed the looks and frustration Gillian Anderson brought to this throughout the episode from that initial puzzling when she first sees the camera to the phony sweet smile at "the FBI has nothing to hide" to her final exasperated door slam complete with "I hate you guys." Most may have missed it, but Scully was actually attacked by the fear monster in this episode as well. Her intense mortal fear of being caught on television cameras with Mulder spouting off theories about werewolves and the like came to fruition. Only the fear monster chose not to kill her, because when Mulder talks the paranormal talk for the cameras Scully probably actually wants to die so letting her live is much more painful. So while Mulder happily chronicles for the camera the nature of paranormal crimes she's reduced to croaking out the occasional "oh yeah" in response. It's when Scully gets in her element, the autopsy bay, that she also begins to show off for the camera. She smugly informs the nurse that she's about to put the ghost murderer story to rest and goes about oh-so-professionally snapping photos to punctuate her statements. It makes it all the more funny when a casual reference to the hanta virus strikes the nurse down at the mere mention and leaves Scully flustered and frustrated.
"X-Cops", as fun as it was for a change of pace episode experiment, was just at the edge of how much of this style one could actually take before the gimmick got old. Actually, having to watch the herd of cops run up the dark street one more time made me wish for more meat and less chaos. As an experiment I'd rate it as a success, but one with a story stretched too thin for its own good. In the end I wondered how many of Mulder and Scully's cases are just like this: a lot of scrambling around and running in the dark with empty hands come daylight.
-Looks like FOX was a little bit paranoid that their viewers would not know what the hell they were watching, so in addition to slapping the name in an unnecessary viewer discretion statement they insisted on making that little floating logo in the corner even more obtrusive and bright. Though I did really like that red and blue strobe logo fadeout they did between acts.
-Kudos to the set decorating team for capturing the truly trashy so wonderfully. From bathroom fixtures in the yard to the magic- motion Jesus photo to the plastic bead door, everywhere the camera lingered tackiness abounded. They even managed to have cats eating at the table. You can't ask for much more than that.
-I enjoyed the way Doctor's curiosity got the better of Scully and she was forced to pop out from behind her hiding place at the ambulance door to examine Wetzel's "bite" before quickly retreating again.
-Speaking of Dr. Scully, why in the world does one shout out "call 911" in a hospital? Is it so paramedics can arrive and take the person next door?
-Our Little Sailor: Scully expresses her dissatisfaction with the camera crew "Mulder, what the hell is going on here?" and her frustration with the hanta virus incident "the hell I wasn't afraid, Mulder."
-I'm a little disappointed in Vince Gilligan going for the obvious joke as Wetzel tries to relate to Mulder how horrible it is if other cops think you're crazy. Oh, we get it.
-Fun moment: Scully suddenly realizing Mulder looks pretty bad since his werewolf bite turned out to be bug stings and trying to protect him by acknowledging the camera for the first time to explain that it was a completely valid conclusion that "anybody would have made."
-I must admit, I never thought I'd actually hear the words "skanky ass" on the X-Files, let alone Mulder and Scully refereeing a fight between two old drama queens. So, at least we know that after seven seasons the show can still surprise us. Then again, the biggest surprise to me was why Scully didn't smack Mulder for that "bubble gum pink" crack.
-Frank's Fashion Spot: Tonight's fashion victim award (and in this case it always was a victim) was a tough show down. In one corner we have Ricky the "crazy haired" sketch artist working in a "support artistic capacity." However, narrowly edging out Ricky is Chantara as she not only had the bubble gum pink hair, but the complete crack whore outfit ensemble going for her. Plus she got to run in it. Surrounded by this cast of characters nothing Mulder and Scully could have worn would have looked bad. Though I am a little confused as to why Mulder had on jeans and running shoes for a case.
-I did find part of this episode of "X-Cops" scary as Mulder and Scully ventured back to the crack house a second time and it seemed darker and more menacing with odd noises, blood, and "wind". Like "Blair Witch" I always wanted to see more than the camera chose to show.
Autumn
"Look Mulder, if you want to talk about werewolves to me you
can knock yourself out."