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"Welcome to the land where silicon meets silicone."
Did ya see Mulder and Scully in them there outfits? Did ya enjoy watching bad guys get all blowed up? Did ya secretly get a thrill at Scully shooting one Big Freaking Gun? And hey, who doesn't love the Lone Gunmen, right? "First Person Shooter" was like the big summer "blockbuster" movie. The one you munch on popcorn to, enjoy the pretty pictures, and promptly forget. The only thing this episode was missing to complete the picture was the musical interlude sequence where we learn about how the characters are feeling through a series of scenes set to a ballad which along with "sound effects editing" is the movie's only Oscar nomination. It was all sizzle and no substance. Sure, I laughed and cheered at points, but I miss the episodes that also required you to think.
As an X-Files fan you are asked every week to suspend disbelief. But, as a show with a highly technical fan base, these types of episodes make it a little more difficult to do so. I'll give them the game character that somehow "jumped programs" and added herself to the game. That's a good tradeoff for believing in a flukeman and the like. I'll even pretend that some how a digital character could actually cut or kill a person. However, for writers who seem to write almost exclusively in a technical genre, why do William Gibson and Tom Maddox make us have to overlook things like simply shutting off the computers or unplugging them? How hard is that and - poof - no more game! I'm also not sure how they came up with the idea that shutting down the game would destroy the program as well, that's certainly some dramatic license. These developers don't do backups? What did I enjoy about this episode? I thought some of the character stuff with Mulder and Scully was a lot of fun. I especially enjoyed Scully in the autopsy repeatedly scratching that and the back and forth banter with Mulder posing for Scully as the digital entertainment poster boy. And yes, the costumes and some of the shoot 'em up stuff was enjoyable. I'm glad in the midst of such a boyfic script they had Scully saving the day much to Mulder's humiliation. I liked things like the juxtaposition of Scully's "no fair pickin' on a girl" to Maitreya kicking Mulder's ass. Mulder trying to reason a fair fight out of the video vixen was a hoot. Heck Scully's hair even got a jolt of floof so you know I have to be happy about that. I can honestly say yes, I was entertained. The problem that I have is that it did so by appealing to the lowest common denominator way of entertaining. Much like the summer movies I mentioned earlier.
Even if the episode was supposed to be about testosterone. Even if Scully (who we all know by now is a great shot) is the one to be "in the zone" (please - did Byers actually say that?). I still found this episode overly sexist to both sexes. The men came across as gonad-addled doofs, and we were subject to over the top ass watching (that was professional, porn boy), thongs, and finger biting. Subtlety? What's that? Is the point they were going for that there is no subtlety in a video game so there certainly can't be any in a story about them? I felt at one point they were trying to say something by reinforcing Scully's place in what is essentially a man's world professionally. She even had to walk the gauntlet of drooling males at the police station. That point has been made before brilliantly in scenes like her dealing with the sexist cop in "2shy", but it started to get lost in the way Carter chose to direct this one despite lines about what it is like to choke in a "haze of rampant testosterone." It was hard to really like anyone in this script. Scully came across as the harpy of reason and Mulder looked stupid. Instead of getting out after he had "saved" the Lone Gunmen he runs off armed only with a fake gun to fight someone using real weapons to kill. The Lone Gunmen are in it for the money and finally get a conscience at the end when they realize their friends are in trouble. All of the supporting characters in this one were annoying. From that knuckle biting cop (oh, and that was such a classy gesture we really needed to see it twice - not) to Ivan the gaming weasel boy who doesn't care who dies for his software to Phoebe the blubbering creator of virtual mayhem, they were all very hard to look on with anything but disdain. At least Krista Allen was mildly entertaining in her Jade Blue Afterglow persona as she tried to get a rise out of Scully and cracked about "Xena Warrior Princess". That is if you could notice she was actually talking.
As a director I have usually enjoyed Chris Carter's work, but this is probably his weakest effort (and yes, I am counting "The List"). I could not believe he even went for the TV version of the "Basic Instinct" leg cross shot. Yes, I think we can all agree that it is fun to watch Scully shoot a big gun, but over and over and over with different versions of babes in chaps or straddling a phallic tank gun? It was like the X-Files version of "Fun with Dick and Jane": See Scully shoot. See Mulder play with his sword. See Jane wear a new colored thong. Dick is very happy. Shoot, Scully, shoot! He couldn't even manage to spice up the game which came across as pretty damn dull. As a person who has played many a first person shooter, the big open space hide and shoot with the Wolfenstein Nazis and motorcycle murderers was just too straightforward. Where's the challenge? The people popping out and surprising? Perhaps they could have used more dressing on the set to give atmosphere instead of just slopping some water on the floor. Did they blow the budget on the costumes? I'll just say that "First Person Shooter" succeeded at being mindless entertainment. Unfortunately, that's not the reason I watch the X-Files.
-Either the game is really mean (and I can't even imagine the medical waivers one would have to sign to play) or "Low-Fat" is a grade "A" wuss for flopping around in agony like that after having his paint explode.
-For a privately held company in need of money that appeared to only have two employees and a security guard, they sure had some fancy digs. I can only imagine how much the retinal scan device cost.
-In the "It could have been worse" department: Apparently a last minute change was made to the script because in the press release the character was actually named Jade Blue Cockburn. I kid you not.
-Something tells me that Scully wouldn't be too pleased that Langly now greets her with "Dudes!" At least you can always count on Frohike to suck up to her, barely glancing at Mulder as he offered refreshments.
-So, just how long did they leave that bloody body on the floor? Mulder and Scully had to travel cross-country after the Lone Gunmen thought to call them. Luckily those bright kids at FPS covered him in bubble wrap. That's showing the dead respect.
-Why didn't they just change the tag line to "the bloodthirst is unquenchable" for the amount of times we had to see and hear this mantra? It would've made more sense than "Deceive, Inveigle, Obfuscate" did.
-I know we've all missed it. The 1013 bathroom humor. It always makes me proud to be a fan. This week's entry in the classless: "I don't know about you guys, but I'd be checking my shorts for cake.
-Our Little Sailor: "Scratch that. Wound is the result of high velocity impact from an unknown object which even if it did enter the body left no damn trace evidence whatsoever."
-I'm a little confused on why the woman would choose a fighting strip-o-gram with a dog collar and F-me heels as her version of a personal "goddess". As Scully points out she's an "immature hormonal fantasy".
-Moose and Squirrel must be pretty popular with the L.A. County Sheriff's department since they just "worked" with them in "X-Cops" as well.
-Oopsie: We see Mulder drop his sword after saying "that's not really fair is it?" and yet it is back in his hand when Cyber!Scully appears to save the day.
-Speaking of, Cyber!Scully is a hell of a quick change artist as she is able to get into that outfit within seconds of seeing Mulder's predicament on the monitor. Pretty good for someone who can't find time to even tuck in a blouse these days.
-Frank's Fashion Spot: When are they going to let Scully look like a professional again? I'm just asking. And was there some horrible dry cleaning monster episode that we missed and that is why Scully now only has two shirts one of which doesn't fit?
-Were those cod pieces really necessary? To protect them from dripping paint? And why was Mulder wearing the Henry VIII super deluxe model?
-And why in the world was Mulder wearing those silly little sunglasses in the dark? Is looking "cool" more important than safety?
-I'm actually not sure why Maitreya let Mulder live instead of killing him when he was down as she did the others. Perhaps she was fond of his bitchin' outfit.
-It certainly was entertaining to see the Gunmen try to create a "kill switch" out of drive connector cables. I guess that was in as a little nod to the previous effort by the authors. My computer already has a kill switch built in. It's labeled "power".
-If the X-Files has taught us something it is to never call Scully "baby". Your options after doing so are either peeing through a catheter or counting your teeth. Personally I'd like to have seen her teach weasel boy a lesson.
-Perhaps I just wasn't buying Constance Zimmer's performance as Phoebe and that's why during her big crying jag dramatic scene all I could think is "how short is that woman that even Scully towers over her?" -I'd be willing to bet cold hard cash that the last Mulder voiceover was a Chris Carter "improvement" to the script. It had all the finesse of his original "cheese on macaroni" piece in "Syzygy" only this time we get to talk about sweeteners. Does Carter talk like this in real life? "The taste of virtual victory is not sweet and low" - damn. That is profound.
-That video game certainly had interesting levels. I mean we went from "Nightmare Nazis" to "Tumbleweeds and Tanks".
-Vancouver Flashback: It looks like rain is just pouring down on Scully in some of those Wild Wild West shots.
-So this woman kills the "original guru" no problem and yet eight of her with two guns each can't hit Scully just standing there or Mulder lying in a heap? Damn. Scully is good.
-Well I guess 1013 decided to jump on the putting Gillian's head on an impossible body internet bandwagon a few years too late. No doubt they've been waiting to see Scully in this outfit. Could they have at least replaced the dog collar with the cross? At least it was not a nude, but certainly just as stupid. Yeah if only Scully would wear a thong and have huge tits. That's the key. Whatever.
Autumn
"What kind of moron gets his ya yas out like that?"