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"Sea Monsters. FBI Agents. I'm the one who could use a drink."
You know, this was one of those episodes that it would be so easy to just lambaste. I mean how freaking silly was that Mala monster? Sure, knowing my nature, I'm going to poke a lot of fun in this review. It's what I do. However, I would be remiss if I didn't come clean from the start. I kinda liked it. This is going to be one of those "guilty pleasure" episodes. I just know it. After all, those tree monsters in "Detour" were stupid too, but I still enjoy the hell out of it. And, at this point, I'll take a monster of the week any day over the "Fool Disclosure" that was the last two weeks.
Writer David Amann didn't have a lot to say as far as "message" for this episode and apparently they needed to throw Darren McGavin a bone after all that talk about him appearing again since "Travelers" was [cough] so beloved. So, instead of all the man and nature talk we usually get during monster of the week episodes of this ilk, he decided to rather heavy-handedly extol upon the virtues of Scully. Which of course could have something to do with why I had such a good time watching it. We had Arthur Dales seemingly openly campaigning for Brotherhood in the OBSSE and the entertaining emergence of MacGyver!Scully medical wonder girl. I guess the assertion was supposed to be that without his "savvy partner" with a "knack for getting to the bottom of things" Mulder might end up like Dales, a bath robed drunk with a bad hip living in a pigsty listening to the police scanner in some backwater town. Me? I think it's more likely he'd be dead.
However, at the same time Amann exalts Scully with lines like "If Agent Scully had not been there with you, I shudder to think what would have happened to you" and having her solve the mystery and save the day at the same time he ultimately betrays her. We've seen Scully's behavior when Mulder was in danger enough times to know this time rang false. Yell a couple times that her partner is dying then go into "I don't know nuthin' 'bout birthin' no babies" mode and ask for towels and water? I don't think so. It was the big misstep of the episode and could have easily been avoided simply by moving the sequence of events slightly. I'd have bought it if Scully had just thought Mulder had run off after the looter when the labor started and was forced at gunpoint snapping venom at the gunman to continue, baby well on it's way - her up to the elbows in it - when she learns Mulder is injured. See how easy that would have been?
Despite this wrong note, it was the character stuff that made me smile in "Agua Mala". The "some day we're gonna look back on this and we're gonna laugh" familiarity of Mulder trying to woo Scully with sea monsters when she just wants to get her wet self home. Scully performing procedures using candle sterilized knitting needles and salad tongs clad in reading glasses and a red bandana. Mulder making his usual leaps of logic about bath water gone bad. Scully telling people to remain calm in the worst of circumstances. It's all good fun. Director Bowman and no doubt a battalion of rain trucks did a nice job keeping our heroes wet the whole time. I bet this one was a thrill to film. I think my favorite shot was of the damp dynamic duo performing flashlight fellatio hands in the air.
I really have to wonder if this episode ran into some serious troubles in post production. First there is the mystery of the two editors listed in the credits. Highly unusual, if not a first, for the X-Files. Then it just seems like chunks of the episode are missing. We see Mulder about to get attacked and next time we seem him he is staggering about down the hall. Just what happened? Scully is screaming louder than the baby she is holding to shoot out a sprinkler while Mulder is gasping in the hall and then taadaa it's a beautiful day in the trailer park? Was it special effects that were so unspecial they were ultimately cut?
I'm also a little disappointed in the choice of stereotypes to populate this little tale. They just happen to get holed up with a dumb deputy, a looter, a militia man, and a sassy ethnic pregnant woman wearing a maternity dress so bright they almost did not need candles? It all just added to the contrivance factor.
Fun, yes, great, never. It is possible to overcome even a silly monster if you ratchet up the tension. This episode failed where other "bottle" episodes have succeeded such as "Ice" because it lacked the interpersonal dynamic that made that episode riveting. In the end we just had a silly monster and two wet leads.
-Date Stamp: This one is a big mystery because it is waaayyy out of sync with real time. Hurricane season runs June 1st through November 30th and by the time they reach the L's we are usually talking October. So when this episode actually happens in the grand scheme of things is an X-File in and of itself.
-Goodland, Florida is a real place, and is a speck on the map. Airport? Well maybe in Naples.
-I sort of wondered if there was something to be read into the fact that young SHIPley was wearing the number 13 and wound up going down the drain.
-For some reason we were treated to an odd creep through Mulder's apartment starting with his little seen kitchen. Why he has a TV in there I will never understand considering how little time he spends there. Plus, could they have found a larger answering machine? It was like a dinosaur.
-Those Shipley's sure had a silly way of boarding up the house. The mother seemed to know the monster was traveling through the sewers and yet she spends time haphazardly boarding up closed doors.
-I'm also trying to figure out why hurricane preparations at the Shipley house seemed to include making sure all the pictures in their home were hung at an angle for dramatic effect.
-Just how many flashlights do Mulder and Scully carry at all times? They use the jumbos for breaking and entering and then switch to the petite model for interior stealthing?
-Does Mulder have to shove his ungloved hand into ever pile of goo he encounters? The stuff this time is worse than mozzarella and stays attached to him halfway across the room.
-Ah the old cat jumping out and scaring people trick. Never seen that one before.
-That apartment manager must've spent a lot of time in his bathroom since he had a phone installed right there next to the toilet. I'm sure folks love getting a call from him. Maybe he should have called 911.
-We're back to the tried and true X-Files tradition of dying in the bathroom. Of course there was still no consistency though. When the deputy finds the first victim he's still there in all his gooey glory on his throne, but later the deputy himself dissolves in under thirty seconds. Those must've been mighty powerful Epson Salts.
-Speaking of bathrooms, the boys at 1013's fascination with bathroom humor strikes again. Dales cracks a fart joke and Mulder just looks so amused. He's no doubt jealous he did not think of it. Not to be outdone he slips in the "passing time" comment. Nothing like grade school humor, eh boys?
-Our Little Sailor: She's back. "How the hell did a cat get in the washing machine?" and "I need some towels damn it!"
-You know, if you are going to pick a line for an episode and repeat it over and over, at least make it something good. That "Don't all the nuts" line is no "Sure. Fine. Whatever."
-For those who have been napping another lesson in the approach to a case from the skeptical side: "I don't hear a story about a sea monster and automatically assume it's the Lord's gospel truth."
-Frank's Fashion Spot: The button up sweater is back for Scully. Perfect for Florida in the summer (especially with a long sleeved shirt underneath). Not. Looks like being wet the whole episode even got to it, as in the end it seems to have shrunk so much it doesn't even come down to her pants anymore.
-Was it just me or did Mulder almost seem giddy/proud over his tentacle wounds?
-Scully certainly is eager to show her badge this episode. She's giving Deputy Dumb a big old smile the first time. I guess she's serious later when she says "I'd be happy to show you my ID." -Car 54? And we get a Forrest Gump joke instead? Hmm.
-The give and take in the car was a riot. Mulder doing the boy thing and just driving aimlessly after peeling out. Scully on the phone poking at him with "No, it isn't very smart is it." and my favorite: "I don't need my mettle tested." I have to agree. I think in six years we've proven the mettle is there, and tough.
-Yeah, loved Scully's line "Deputy just try and relax"... while I slit your throat with your pocket Leatherman. Our Scully and her bedside manner. At least that ER rotation seems to have come in handy for her this episode.
-Oh my God. Teso Tounces was back without his stick. They did use a real wet cat for much of it, but not even the Meryl Streep of cats would stage that shot with Duchovny. Here's hoping it's the last we see of fake cats on the X-Files. I keep expecting them to talk about kitty litter odor.
-Oh and one last thing about "Reggie" the furry plot device. Hitching a ride in a raging hurricane underneath a car? Hiding behind the washing machine was much more believable.
Autumn
"So stand back or make yourself useful, but stay out of my way."