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"Shut up Mulder."
"Sure. Fine. Whatever."
There you have it, my encapsulated review in a mere two quotes. Says it all really. Especially since I'm having a hard time really summing up this episode. I'll come clean with you folks - though I wouldn't call myself a "relationshipper" in the romantic sense of the word - I do find the relationship between Scully and Mulder one of the big draws of the show for me - and for that reason I was dreading this episode. Turns out I was right and wrong - the whole girlfriend for Mulder thing wasn't that bad, but that cosmic syzygy thing that happened to Mulder & Scully's personalities was.
I thought about starting my review with "hate it, hate it, wouldn't want to rate it", but in this case hate is too strong a word. It certainly wasn't dull like "The List" or "Space". I can't even pretend that I won't rewatch this one much - (though I will guarantee it will be at times when I'm in a real odd mood). There are a lot of good things about this episode ... it's just ... I was tense the whole time - sure I laughed, but I wasn't happy with myself for doing so. I think it was a *real* mistake showing this as the first new episode after "War of the Coprophages" (in which I found the character interplay delightful). Back to back episodes where we exist in this oddly humorous alternate universe is not a good thing. In fact I probably would've liked this show more a few weeks down the road. As it is, it stands to be compared to Morgan's episode where our heroes teased each other. In Chris Carter's "funny" episode universe they are cruel and cranky and use their knowledge to push each other's buttons. I don't care if it can all be supposedly explained away by the fact that they were in a "cosmic G-spot" at a date and time when "relationships are going to suck" - there had to be some underlying feelings behind the words - I didn't like it and I'm glad we apparently don't have to worry about this particular planetary alignment again for another 84 years.
Even the "Monster of the Week" was odd - two teenage girls who go through a transformation from honor role to black eyeliner applied, teased hair, sleazily dressed vixens (I loved their attempt at seducing the poor adolescent football hero with "You know, maybe if we weren't virgins we wouldn't be so scared") - or maybe in this case the "monster" was the planetary alignment - or even for some Detective Angela White. All I know is the town of Comity was anything but "the perfect harmony city" claimed in the sign.
The first Mulder and Scully scene really set the tone for this episode - it seems somehow fitting that this show starts with a wrong turn and them arguing over directions - their impatience with each other already beginning to show. I just didn't like what this episode did to Mulder and Scully. Mulder becomes this odd combination of goofiness and cutting remarks, and Scully, well, she becomes a bitch on wheels - impatient, disbelieving, and smug - what a scene with those latex gloves - "Sure. Fine. [SNAP] Whatever." They are out of sync the whole episode not even able to communicate non-verbally as their timing is so bad they don't even look at each other at the right times. At least when Mulder visits Det. White to apologize for Scully's behavior he tells her Scully is usually "rigid in a wonderful way".
I know those of you out there who steadfastly refuse to believe that Scully ever gets jealous will use the whole planetary alignment thing as an out, but certainly you can't deny what you saw in this episode. First the confrontation at the gym - her noting that he wasn't in his room, but was with White - "Look, we've been working together for what - two years now - we have differing opinions, but I didn't expect you to ditch me." Mulder's snarl back to her "I didn't ditch you" - yikes. "Fine. Whatever." (Hey! She left out the "Sure."). Then the scene in the field with Mulder's cutting "No, be my guest - I know how much you like snapping on the latex." Then that hallway confrontation after Mulder's inappropriate perfume comment (what is it that has made him obsessed with sniffing). This was a really weird scene - Scully getting after Mulder big time for his behavior while he continues to blatantly sniff her. When he brings up Detective White that's the final blow - we see the jealous beast - and she is out of there.
O.K., let's talk about the motel room scenes, clearly the oddest combination of events in X-Files history. Mulder mixing the scariest screwdriver I've ever seen - nothing on TV but the Keystone Cops. (I did find his bit about holding the remote at odd angles to try to make that show change funny). Meanwhile, we are shocked to find Dr. Scully in the next room, butt-filled ashtray sitting on top of her Gideon Bible, puffing away. Do you suppose in some twisted way Scully in her room smoking, pacing, and muttering about Det. White was her way of saying "hate her, hate her, wouldn't wanna date her?". If this wasn't enough, Det. White arrives on the scene for her heartfelt "my cat's dead - let's have sex" scene. Though he does hug her (no doubt to sniff again), in Mulder's defense (how's those words coming from me), he did try to fend her off as she tried to solve the mystery of the horny beast. Of course, only Scully's amazing sense of psychic timing leads her to barge in on them at precisely the wrong second - the look on her face was priceless.
The only saving grace of their next little parking lot tiff was that Mulder did seem to want to make sure Scully knew "it's not what you think". She really doesn't believe this so she goes off on him (in an apparent nod to the fans who have always wondered this) about him always getting to drive. "Is it because you're the guy - because you're the big macho man?!" Mulder: "No, I was just never sure your little feet could reach the pedals". (Ouch! That's the first time we've seen a slam at her height).
So, we reach the end of our little tale. We have a backwards phone conversation where we hear "Scully, it's me" - (at least she gets to ask him where he is). We have the anything you can do I can do better "No, I'm way ahead of you" tit-for-tat. We have *another* Scully "Sure. Fine. Whatever." I will say the Keystone Cops guns-a-firing scene was well done. And apparently, monsters locked in the closet, clock striking 12, our heroes are back in sync - shouting in unison. Well, almost back in sync. Yes, the last driving bit was funny - the juxtaposition of seats as Mulder tries to fit himself in the shoved up passenger side and Scully struggles to move the driver side seat up. Then she barrels out of town running a stop sign.
Well, that's it. Whatever happened to "best friends are supposed to stick together, right?" Mulder and Scully need to remember that - and quick. So do the writers. Please Chris, give us a nice dark X-File and a Mulder and Scully who like each other.
-I am really confused by the timing of the bleacher-boy death. We see a timestamp of 5:10AM when Scully arrives. When did all this happen? This school holds basketball practice at 3AM?
-Will DD ever live down his Jeopardy loss - I believe he also missed a question involving Grover Cleveland - the name of this fictional high school.
-I have this really odd mental picture in my head of Mulder and Scully missing each other by minutes as they both run to the "Pick Kwick" around the corner from the hotel - looking to buy off-brand vodka and cigarettes.
-We should have known something was up based on that school mascot - it looked like the "horn-ed" beast burned on the skin of the victim.
-SRE's: Embalming fluid chemical reaction causing burning. Rumor panic.
-What are naked movie star games?
-Sensible shoe update - Scully *is* wearing them when walking through the muddy fields.
-I think that RuPaul wannabe Dr. Godfrey was wearing the perfume Mulder likes.
-Oh, and for those of you in Scully smoking denial (I'm with you) - remember "Beyond the Sea" - it definitely wasn't her first time.
Autumn
"I didn't see anything anyway"